Synopsis 35

Guess the Plot

Fairfield

1. Patrolman Zeke Martin is first on-scene at the Fairfield Inn by Disneyland. Zeke knows two things: the victim is very dead and he’d better … uh … no wait … the paramedics just revived the victim. Zeke doesn't know anything. Maybe that’s why he’s still a patrolman after twenty-seven years. Also, a talking motorcycle.

2. Fairfield. A sedate Los Angeles suburb in the 1970s. Home to dentists, accountants and housewives, each in full-blown midlife crisis and living a life of quiet desperation except for the occasional extramarital affair. Yes, it's literary fiction.

3. Two divorces and three kids later, Lynda's facing imminent eviction. However, her fortunes take a leap forward upon catching her manager, Harold, snogging fellow cashier, Jerome. Her botched attempt at blackmail ends with Jerome dead. Suicide in the butcher shop? All is not well in Fairfield.

4. The only thing that keeps the predatory cattle in Fairfield from making manburgers of occupants from neighboring realms is an udderly delicious drink called True Milk, produced by Bessie Teatsfull Enterprises. But when contract renewal time comes up, Bessie demands top fodder, or she ain't putting out. Will mankind be ground? Or will cattle just continue to suck?

5. Jay Hughes inherits an abandoned hotel in Fairfield, and sets out to have a look. Turns out the building is now occupied by a bunch of old people. Did I say old? I meant dead. Long dead. Once Jay realizes they're just ghosts and not zombies, he has only one priority: collecting all that back rent.

6. Fairfield was known as the armpit of the rust belt until Barry Carpenter came to town. Suddenly the place is shaping up. Crime is down, the streets are clean, everyone's happy. But now Barry Carpenter is threatening to leave and take the town's children with him . . . unless Joelle Stewart marries him.



Original Version

SYNOPSIS OF 'FAIRFIELD'

Jay Hughes has been deeded an abandoned building in his old home town of Fairfield, a nondescript little town on the outskirts of nowhere. [If you can't tell us what it's on the outskirts of, no need to mention outskirts.] Jay’s living in Indianapolis and has no use for the place [Which place? The abandoned building or Indianapolis?] and no idea why he’s suddenly gotten so lucky. [Hard to believe you can be informed you now own a building with no explanation.]

Mulling his problems, [Do his problems have anything to do with the plot?] he learns that the building was formerly owned by Deenie Rafton, [This sounds like something he would learn while investigating his acquisition rather than while mulling over his problems.] an old woman who may or may not have died a mysterious death. [Can't that be said of anyone who dies?]

So, Jay and his young associate, Mal Brown, set out to see what’s inside the old wreck.

When they arrive, the eerie calm in Fairfield isn’t particularly frightening, but it is odd. They kick open the front door and find disrepair, aging rotted boards, a few pigeons and a lot of dusty memories.

And an old woman, who’s happy to see Jay again after all these years.

As the intrigue continues, [Hang on. Did Jay know the old woman? Is the intrigue the fact that she seems to know him, or the fact that he owns the building with no explanation?] with each trip, Jay meets still another old-timer who’s happy to see him, glad he’s come to fix up the hotel. [He's fixing it up? I thought you said he had no use for the place.] After a few more trips, the trend continues. [The trend is that one new old person is in the place each time he returns?] Finally, more than two dozen old people are around, milling about, [They're milling, and he was mulling. Are you sure this building wasn't a mall?] all just being here and there. [All just being here and there? That isn't helping us.]

There’s a connection. [Between what and what?]

When Jay and his new love interest, Carmella (also Mal’s aunt) begin to dig into the story, they learn that the Old Ones are long dead, but have materialized – awaiting space in the cemetery annex.

The convoluted paper trail takes them to what could have been investment fraud, trickery, deceit and perhaps murder. The Old Ones aren’t much help. They remember something one day, forget it the next.

With each trip, Jay and his associated learn more about the dilemma. The Old Ones are waiting until the annex opens. [You said that already.] Their souls are patient. Even Ron Patterson is awaiting the return of his body from Southeast Asia.

Deenie Rafton had made a connection and was, in her death, helping the Old Ones find their way to peace. Jay and Carmella eventually learn the truth, through the help of an old couple living in Jay’s boyhood home. [The end? Do they do anything? Complete the annex? Fix up the hotel and let the dead live there? Investigate the annex fraud and bring the guilty parties to justice?]


Notes

There are too many words and not enough story. Your setup is: Jay inherits an abandoned hotel and discovers that it's occupied by ghosts. Seems they were tricked into buying plots in a proposed cemetery annex that no one intended to build, and now they're hanging out in the hotel, patiently waiting for the annex to open.

Now you have plenty of room to tell us who the villains are, what happened (including the murder, which I assume was Deenie's), what Jay plans to do to make things right, what obstacles he must overcome...

If that's not your story, if the story is just finding out what the ghosts are doing in the building, I don't see how that's enough to carry a novel.
 

The 7th Annual Oscar Awards Guess the Plot Feature

Below are the titles of this year's Oscar Award nominees. Your job is to guess which plot description is the real one. The fakes were submitted by EE and the Evil Minions. A true film buff should have no trouble getting all nine.



Les Miserables

1. A history of the French people, from Robespierre to Gerard Depardieu.

2. A group of runaway slaves struggle for survival in Paris.

3. Prisoner 24601 escapes and creates a new life for himself, caring for the daughter of a factory worker and frequently breaking into song for no apparent reason.

4. They were the most effective Marquis of the French Resistance in WWII. They hid in the forest. They slept on the ground and foraged for food. Rarely did they have a hot meal or a bath and went weeks without washing their clothes. No wonder they were known as . . . Les Miserables.

5. Prison janitor Jean didn't think his life could get worse. Of course that was before becoming a hostage in riot-turned-jailbreak for which everyone believes he's the mastermind.


Beasts of the Southern Wild

1. It's bad enough living in the south in the summer, but when global warming causes the ice caps to melt, unleashing an army of prehistoric creatures, it's time to head inland.

2. Frat house screwball comedy featuring nerds and jocks and boozing and cheerleaders and zombies.

3. Werejavelinas, werepossums and weredillos- in 3-D!

4. A group of runaway slaves struggle to survive in the hostile Everglades, pursued by hunters and alligators.

5. Porter the porcupine is worried. For three years, rains rarely come. The forest is dying and the woodland creatures are thirsty. One night, Porter sees colored lights in the northern sky. Taking it as sign, he organizes the mammals and birds. They begin a long trek to the northern rain forest. Also, a proselytizing vegan who won’t shut up -- so the cougars eat her.



Amour

1. Hitchens has quietly harbored his affection for Calista for four centuries, sure a gargoyle can't convince a saint he wants more than a one-night stand. When they catch Father Francis obsessively scrubbing stains from the altar, Hitchens grasps for his chance at...Amour.

2. A gripping tale of love between two slaves as they struggle against their oppressive masters.

3. Amour's parents named her in the heat of the groovy sixties. When she loses her job as an accountant for a denture-manufacturing firm and the bank forecloses on her suburban Houston home, Amour is forced to move in with her parents on the commune while desperately searching for another job.

4. A heart-wrenching story of two people in love. What more needs to be said? Oh, right, no sex scenes. Which is probably a good thing, as they're both in their 80s.

5. When their woodland is cleared for a shopping center, Molly the mole and Porter the porcupine are made homeless. Older than the other creatures, Molly and Porter team up. Each has abilities the other lacks. By the time they are settled into a new woodland, they are deeply in love. Can this illicit bi-species love last through the rigors of new homes, new friends and old age?



Lincoln

1. A group of freed slaves build a new nation in Nebraska, and name it after the president who freed them. It never amounts to more than one town, and they move to Texas after two years.

2. Abraham Lincoln survives the assassination attempt, and struggles with his views on capital punishment: "Sure, no one died, but this guy tried to kill me! Either he hangs, or we at least make him my slave."

3. President Abraham Lincoln must decide whether to end the Civil War or keep it going long enough to ram slave emancipation through congress. Think The West Wing, with Honest Abe playing the role of Jed Bartlet.

4. Twelve year old Lincoln Larsen leaves home to commence her physics degree and faces a predatory professor. She has an unexpected ally in an escaped human-extraterrestrial hybrid.

5. After heart surgery, Vito enters the convalescent hospital for several weeks. High school buddies Sam and Jack ‘borrow’ his Lincoln land-yacht for a joy ride to Florida. When they have a flat, they open the trunk and find two corpses sealed in plastic. So, Vito Gambino is one of those Gambinos. They can’t go to the police but if they don’t they might wind up in a car trunk.



Argo

1. Jason and the Golden Fleece, as told by his snarky ship, Argo. Argo would like nothing more than to lounge around the docks and frolic in the bay with the other ships. But that jackass King Pelias sends Jason and his band of Argonauts – ancient Greek for Keystone Cops – on a quest for some old furry rag. Argo has a low opinion of people, and thinks even less of mythical creatures like centaurs and gods -- especially that nitwit Poseidon.

2. The CIA and Canada collaborate on a film called Argo. It's sort of a film within a film, with both films called Argo. Both films are a huge success, though only one of them is a box office blockbuster.

3. A sudden nationwide outbreak of chicken pox leads to dramatic shortfalls in cornstarch supply. Shady deals at Argo Corn Products leaves line engineer on the hook for more than lumpy gravy.

4. An adorable little garter snake argues with his brothers and sisters about whether it's safe to explore the hole in the garden fence.

5. When six-year-old Johnny doesn't return after heading into the swamp on a quest to find what he terms an "argolator," the sheriff's only clue as to what might have happened to him is a partial recording recovered from a pile of gator doo with Johnny's voice saying, "Wow! I just found me an argo--"



Silver Linings Playbook

1. Sure every cloud has a silver lining, or so Joe's been told, but when you're a backup quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Former slave Silver Linings writes the first book of defensive plays for Harvard football--just in time for the big game with Yale.

3. If every cloud has a silver lining, then Seattle is the champion. So its newest high school’s team nickname is The Silver Lining. When coach Bud Adams retires from the NBA, he goes there to try out some revolutionary ideas. The Silver Lining win nearly every game but their playbook is stolen just before the state championships. Can the Lining win if the opponent knows all of their secret moves?

4. On the vaporous world of CumuloNimbulex, Thunderhead, the captain of Cloud Team 9, has finally come up with a stratusgy that should let him win the coveted silver medal at the Cloud Olympics. If only he could get the rest of the team to stop goofing off and be cirrus.

5. Recently released from a mental institution, Pat feels he can manage on the outside without medication solely by healthy living and looking for the "silver linings" of every cloud that rains on him. His goals: get his teaching job back and reunite with his wife. The latter one won't be easy, what with the restraining order.



Life of Pi

1. Bound by her sorority blood oath, Teresa lies on the witness stand to protect fellow Pi, Shayna, from life imprisionment. Detective Malarkey knows a fish story when he smells one.

2. It's rough being the shortest kid in the class, but Pi has a good comeback for the kids who laugh and say he's only three feet tall: Actually, asshole, I'm 3.14159 feet tall.

3. Traveling from India to Canada to start a new life, a shipwreck leaves Pi on a lifeboat with a zebra, an orangutan, a tiger and a hyena. Three guesses who gets eaten first in the struggle for survival.

4. Pie, the horse from National Velvet, breaks away from mankind's domination and goes on a journey to find himself. He even learns to write his own name--almost.

5. When he played the game, he was the best third baseman ever. But his fame was made with his bat. He hit over .300 ten times and never struck out more than 28 times in a season. For fifty years Pi Traynor kept a daily diary. This biography is based on that diary and reveals how his love of Pie resulted in his memorable nickname.


Django Unchained

1. A year in the life of indie rock group Django Unchained as they tour and inflict their noise on unsuspecting bar patrons around the country and fail to either score a recording contract or any female attention.

2. The Normandy invasion fails and gypsy jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt organizes the resistance to the NAZI occupation of Belgium. At night, Django’s jazz band entertains SS-SD officers. Plying them with hard liquor, the group’s girls get their secrets. Then they strike the Gestapo offices and NAZI supply depots.

3. Django's romp through Compton reunites estranged cousins Sheeq and Luce on the eve of a gang war. Also, clowns.

4. A dentist gives up his profession to become a bounty hunter, buys the freedom of a slave named Django, and trains him to be his deputy. Carnage ensues.

5. When Mrs. Dja Dja Django agrees to a little handcuff hanky-panky with husband Djo Djo, she doesn't know he's going to get a sudden urge to make a run to the beer store...with the handcuff key still in his pocket...AND GET PULLED OVER! Boy, is Dja Dja ever going to show Djo Djo where to put that key when she gets unchained!


Zero Dark Thirty

1. George discovers odd marks on the old oak, realizes that they are signposts for the Underground Railroad and knows that he and his family must leave for Canada now.

2. Playwright Zero Jones attends tryouts for his new musical. There he sees Angelina. She's stunning, young and sings like an angel. Zero is in love. But he's fifty, short and overweight. He pays a witch to cast a spell. Instantly, he's tall, trim and young. He has 30 days to win her heart. Can it last when he reverts to himself?

3. A group of neighborhood kids like to play Army, but they have to be safe indoors by what Billy calls "zero dark thirty." Their plan to eliminate nightime will leave the real military wishing they'd kept a better eye on their uranium supplies.

4. In an experiment to determine whether a movie's title has any bearing on its success, an Oscar winning director uses a random word generator to title her latest film.

5. One woman is confident she knows the location of the world's most wanted terrorist. The men aren't so sure, but to prove her wrong and humiliate her, they send a SEAL team in. Turns out she was right. So of course the guys try to take credit.



Answers below


Fake Plots were submitted by
Khazar-khum, Mr. Furkles, EE, James, Jo Antareau, AA, Anon



Answers

Les Miz  3
Beasts...1
Amour....4
Abe........3
Argo.......2
Pbook....5
Pi...........3
Django...4
Zero.......5

Face-Lift 1094

Guess the Plot

Imogen and Leander

1. When the body of controversial octenagarian female impersonator and cabaret singer Leander 'Imogen' Sullivan is found half eaten by his 36 cats, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, the cats didn't pull the trigger on that 9mm, and two, he'd better get their Burmese Dazzy some catnip, just in case.

2. Brash Imogen's distaste for men changes that magical night she encounters Leander in the college library. Who can argue with destiny, right? Apparently Imogen's mom, Eunice. She sees Leander for who he really is: her long-lost son.

3. Priscilla, Penelope and Constance are all in love with handsome new Rhode Island Red Leander. But all he wants to crow about is plain little Imogen. Will their love continue unruffled, or will the old hens use the pecking order to break up the love nest?

4. Imogen, a gerbil belonging to Mrs. Brown's 3rd grade class, conceives a passion for Leander, the white mouse who lives in a cage atop the dictionary case. But with Maxwell the python in a fishtank on the radiator between them, how can they ever be together?

5. Seventeen-year-old Imogen marries Leander Thurston, handsome owner of Kerrigan Meadows Plantation. Imogen loves Leander but is horrified by his treatment of his slaves, so she embarks on the dual life of loyal plantation mistress and matron of the Underground Railroad.

6. When Princess Imogen's evil stepmother finds that Imogen has married Leander, instead of her stepbrother Claude, she goes on the warpath. Imogen and Leander both flee the kingdom. Unfortunately they flee in opposite directions and have no more contact with each other.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Between a banished husband, a negligent father, an evil step-mother, a brutish step-brother, and an impending war, [I hate opening with a list.] things [Things? What things?] are getting almost too much for sixteen-year-old Princess Imogen to handle. [You're better off dumping this sentence.]

When fleeing to an enemy nation looks like the best available option, one cannot deny that things have gotten truly disastrous. [This is going to suggest to the reader that fleeing looks like Imogen's best option, when in fact you're talking about another character.] But when King Cameron of Greater Dale [Greater Dale is a terrible name for a kingdom. Unless they named it that to annoy the people of neighboring Great Dale, in which case it's fantastic.] discovers Imogen’s marriage to his ward, Leander Dulac, he banishes him, leaving Leander no choice but to flee north to the enemy Hill Lands. [Fleeing from whom? When the king banishes you, instead of imprisoning or beheading you, you are required to leave the kingdom; being hunted down isn't part of the deal.] Imogen finds herself alone [Define "alone."] in a Court ruled primarily by her cruel step-mother, Queen Atia, who hopes to force Imogen to abandon her husband and marry her step-brother, Claude, and a father so under his wife’s sway that he is trying to force the match and does not comprehend that his country will not survive the upcoming war with the Hill Lands [That's the name of the place? Hill Lands? Is that what the people who live there call it? I recommend going with Great Dale.] that Queen Atia proposes. [Those last two sentences have so many characters and complications, no one's going to stick with the story.]

However, when her husband’s new friends abroad persuade him that she has betrayed him, Imogen suddenly finds herself with only one ally either at home or abroad.  With the help of her friend, Imogen fakes her death and flees south to the Forest of Fae. [How come Leander had no choice but to flee north, but Imogen can flee south? When you're fleeing, you choose the route, and the pursuers have to follow. If I'm Leander, I'm fleeing to the Forest of Fae, not the enemy Hill Lands.] [Also, what's with all the fleeing? I want to read about characters who stand their ground. All the characters we're supposed to like have gotten out of Dodge.] [Also, are you really fleeing if no one's chasing you? The whole point of faking her death, I assume, was so she wouldn't be chased.] Luckily, she falls in with a companion who can keep her alive, even if he cannot stop her from trying to return home to prevent a war.  The same war Leander, convinced he has caused Imogen’s death, has returned to his homeland to die in. [It's Romeo and Juliet, but with fleeing.]

Hopefully, they’ll be able to save their homeland and each other. [Yuck.]

IMOGEN AND LEANDER is a 55,000 word YA Fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

This needs to be simplified. Get rid of everyone who isn't essential. Especially Claude. No 65-word sentences. No lists of more than three items. It's better than these things usually are when I tell people to start over, but start over. Focus on the main plot, which seems to be this:

When Princess Imogen marries Leander, the king's ward, Queen Atia is enraged, as she had other plans for her stepdaughter. She has Leander banished from Greater Dale.

Friendless in the court, Imogen fakes her death and heads south to the Forest of Fae, hoping to find Leander, not realizing that Leander fled north, where the enemy Hill-Landers are preparing for war with Greater Dale.

Word of Imogen's death reaches Leander and he returns to Greater Dale to fight and die defending his homeland. But Imogen is also making her way home, hoping to prevent the war. Can the two of them hook up and flee the kingdom before all hell breaks loose?


Work with that, but don't add any names.

New Beginning 988

It felt awkward, me straightening my tie and gulping down coffee while Natalie sat at the breakfast bar in her dressing gown, sans make-up and hair awry, refusing to talk, like it was my fault.

The phone pinged to let me know I had seven minutes to get to the bus stop, and I’m pretty sure I saw her flinch. “Have a good day,” I said, as I leant over to kiss her. She turned away. “You’ll get used to it,” I added, then wished I hadn’t.

“You’ll be late.”

I pulled on my coat and grabbed my briefcase. “Have—” I started, then stopped myself. “See you later.”

I heard Natalie sigh as the door closed behind me. The first Sunday since we married we hadn’t left the flat together. The first Sunday she had nowhere to go. She couldn’t just sit there feeling sorry for herself, though. She wasn’t the only one. No married women had jobs anymore.

When I returned home, the dirty dishes were in the sink, the clothes hamper was full, and the baby was crying. Natalie was still in her dressing gown, watching some novella on the standard-issue 120-inch television.

"Glad you're home," she said, graciously pausing her program long enough to acknowledge my arrival.

"Glad you noticed," I said back.

She yawned - a wide, gaping yawn that made me feel tired down to the depths of my soul. Why, oh why, hadn't I listened to President Clinton's stump speeches? You know, the ones about women being free to do whatever they wanted if she were finally elected? We men were now reaping the wrath of all those years of female repression.

I sighed, threw a load of darks in the washing machine, put on my apron, placed the baby on my hip, and began scrubbing the dishes. Four more years, I kept saying to myself. Just four more years.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Lisa H.

Face-Lift 1093

Guess the Plot

Incomplete

1. Vampire private eye McKinley Quinn is hot on the trail of a circle of illegal blood smugglers when

2. Dear Evil Editor: I want you to sell my new bestselling niovel that will crush Rowlings and Grisham and Mayer and the books by that guy who writes about Frodo. It's not finishde but I tell you ikjts the best book ever!!!!

3. In a desperate effort to win her school's Fall Princess competition, Lauren sells her soul to Esme the Demonic Lunch Lady in return for popularity. Turns out she's too popular, and wants out of the deal, but Esme has already listed the soul at an online auction site. Can Lauren win it back, or will she always be . . . incomplete?

4. A mysterious thief has stolen a single piece from every jigsaw in Tina's Toy Emporium. If Tina can't track down the thief and find the missing pieces, all the jigsaws will remain . . . incomplete.

5. Distracted with boy troubles in her senior year, 18-year-old Taylor Tyson takes an "incomplete" in biology. She can't graduate. She can't go to college. None of that bothers her . . . until she dies and an angel tells her that until she hands in those missing lab reports, she can't pass on to the afterlife.

6. Ever since the carnival fortune teller showed her the picture of her future spouse, Jennie McArny has been looking for him. But based on the picture, he's from the 1800s. Will she ever find this mysterious time traveler, or will she always be . . . incomplete?



Original Version

Dear [ ]:

Lauren Faustino's life is a living hell, which is why she sells her soul.

Her parents fight all the time. The alpha girl at school torments her. She's an excellent student but a washout in the popularity game, the only high school competition that matters. If Lauren wins Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she'll get some respect, but her chances are slim without a powerful boost. That's why she makes a deal with Esme the demonic lunch lady, who is also a distributor for Brimstone International, Purveyor of Fine Supernatural Products.

Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the down side. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund and learns that all sales are final. [It was in the fine print.] Matters go from bad to worse when her soul winds up on iMart, an internet auction site.

[I would edit those three paragraphs into something a bit tighter, perhaps like this:

Lauren's Faustino's life is a living hell. Her parents fight all the time; the alpha girl at school torments her; and she's a washout in the social game, the only high school competition that matters. If Lauren could win Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she'd get some respect, but fat chance of that . . . until she sells her soul to Esme the Demonic Lunch Lady in return for a turbo-boost in popularity.

Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the downside. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund, but her soul has already been listed on iMart, an Internet auction site.]

There's also the problem of her dad, a shady businessman who may have conned the whole town. The detectives sniffing around the Faustino house think so. Lauren is determined to crack the case herself, even if the answers destroy her comfortable suburban life. [Is this a subplot or the main story? Is there a connection between the two "plots"? Like maybe Lauren was already trying to clear her father or make amends to the townspeople, but now that she's soulless she couldn't care less that dad's in trouble or that the town got conned?]

Please consider my 83,000-word novel, Incomplete. [Is that the title or the current condition?] It's Faust meets Nancy Drew—with cast of crooks, posers and a savvy little monkey named Dante.

I'm the author of Snake Oil, Hustlers and Hambones: The American Medicine Show (McFarland, 2000) and High School Prom: Marketing, Morals and the American Teen (McFarland, 2012). [Change the word "Prom" to "Porn," and I think you've got a winner.] I'm currently marketing the prom book online and in personal appearances.

I've also written dozens of magazine articles, columns, essays and literary journal pieces. Publications include Health, Prevention, Stage Directions, Eclectica and Ms. Fitness. I wrote several study guides for the Center Theatre Group for use in Los Angeles high schools. I have an MFA in creative writing from Antioch University. [This paragraph isn't needed; one paragraph is sufficient as credits, and the previous one is more impressive.]

I’m querying you, Ms./Mr. [personal note here]. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

If the main plot is getting her soul back, the query can do without dad. Focus on Lauren's plan to regain her soul, which I assume involves bidding on it, getting outbid, finding whoever bought it, etc.

If the main plot is the mystery, cut back a bit on the soul aspect (without losing the demonic lunch lady, of course) and focus on how dad supposedly conned everyone and on how Lauren plans to clear him.

If you consider both plots "main," show the connection.

You can probably get away with the names "Faustino" and "Dante" because the plot is over the top to begin with, but it seems somewhat gimmicky, and probably isn't adding anything.

New Beginning 987

To the Admissions Board of the University of Northern California

I did not start the fire that destroyed Rio Seco High School, despite what you may have heard on the news. I did sell a chunk of my soul to a demon, but the deal was only loosely related to the disaster. I'm writing this essay to set the story straight. (If my version of events moves you to contact law enforcement, please note that I am no longer “a person of interest.”) So, for the record: I’m Lauren Faustino, and until last semester, I was a junior at good old “Rio Sicko” High in Vista View Heights, California, home of the Fighting Jackrabbits.

I have no transcript, academic history or “permanent record.” When the school burned down last December, everybody’s file went up in smoke. Every hard copy, digital file and microfiche was vaporized—gone with the Santa Ana winds. Some of my classmates are grateful for a clean slate, but not I. My hard-won 4.0 average is now one big Incomplete. Thus I stand before you naked, Dear Admissions People, bureaucratically speaking. Formless, you might say. All I have is the story I’m about to tell.

*****

Dean of Admissions Peter Fresco put the paper down on the table and looked up. Professor Brian Markham, to his left, shuffled some papers, while Adrian Brofowski on the other side cleared his throat. Not one of them could take their eyes off the prospective student standing in front of them.

After what seemed like the longest while, the Dean cleared his throat. "Well, Lauren," he said. "This is quite unusual, but unusual scholars are the most interesting, wouldn't you say, Professor Markham?"

"Uh, hm, y-yes. Most interesting."

They paused and considered some more.

"Well," the Dean continued. "I think it's possible we may have a place for you."

Lauren relaxed and exhaled loudly. "Really? I can get dressed then?"

"Let's not be too hasty, dear," the Dean replied. "I'd like to hear the rest of your story first..."


Opening: Ann Anderson .....Continuation: anon.

New Beginning 986

I am the worm you see in the bottle of tequila. I crawled inside because alcohol smears the memories, tames the furies, and thins the blood. I embrace my fate with ever-increasing ardor but in doing so I despair of life and its impotent God. Would that I were made of stone, long forgotten and never-minded stone without care or the desires of flesh and blood.

We begin in a laboratory in the quest for money to pay for a doctorate. Professor Morgenteil paid premium rates for students because only greedy fools like me would to sell their souls and perform live experiments on chimpanzees, Pan Troglodytes.

Subject Ten succumbed to the virus early this morning. I did the post mortem and prepared the body for burial. Characteristically, its fingertips were bloody, body hair smeared with its fluids, eyes blackened, and face hollow. Ten weeks, ten failures.

“Death delayed but not prevented,” Professor Morgenteil sighed the words in his thick accent as he read my report. “The effect of the virus seems to build. First few days they’re ecstatic. It took two weeks this time for the frenzy to start and the death spiral that follows.”

Ah, how I longed to be that imprisoned and inebriated worm--actually, not a worm but the larval form of the Hypopta agavis moth--instead of a graduate student of free will, monstrous greed, and immense hairy arms (Gorilla gorilla).

"As you know," Professor Morgenteil continued with his ridiculous Propithecus pronunciations, "the next chapter of the Planet of the Apes franchise depends on this virus. Back to work." 


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: IMHO

New Beginning 985

Angba Skullcrusher quietly made her way across the Basilica to the sturdy wood door with 'Father Balbain ' printed in neat gold letters. Patting the stray hairs back in place, she gave her forest green day dress a last dusting so she would at least be somewhat presentable after the long ride. Cautiously she rapped the brass knocker.

From inside the room a man called, “Come in.”

Steeling herself for the look of disappointment, she pushed the door open. “Father Balbian?”

“Yes?” Father Balbian sat behind his desk, thick with layers of papers and books. His spectacles gave him the look of a friendly owl. “What can I do for you, miss? Come and sit with me.”

Encouraged, Angba settled onto the padded chair. Opening her bag, she withdrew her letter. “Father,” she began, “my name is Angba Skullcrusher. Tallis sent for me.”

She did not expect his reaction.

“Angba? You’re the Angba?” He stood, a joyful smile spreading from his face to his body, until it seemed as though he smiled with every part of his being. “Angba? Praise the gods! I thought I’d never get to see you. Tallis talked about you constantly. You were his pride and joy.”

“I was? I mean--I have a letter from him,” she said, handing the paper to the priest. “He wanted me to come and stay here and learn with him. I did send him a letter telling him when I was coming.” She managed to smile. “I—I’ve wanted to meet him for a long time. You have no idea how grateful to him I am for everything.”

“Oh, I have an idea,” said Father Balbain. His smile slowly drained from him.

“What’s wrong? Wasn’t I supposed to come here?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“What, then? Is it because I’m an—“

“No. no. That has nothing to do with it. Angba,” he sighed, “I buried Tallis two days ago.”

"You . . . Oh no. If only I hadn't delayed my departure . . . How . . . did he die?"

"Lack of oxygen, I'm afraid. At least I assume so, as he was still alive when I buried the coffin. The screaming stopped after a couple hours."


Opening: Khazar-khum.....Continuation: Evil Editor

Face-Lift 1092

Guess the Plot

My Deadly Prince Charming

1. Carels is a venomous vampire whose kiss kills instantly. Hessa is a were-cane toad whose skin secretes poison. Can they make each other happy, or will Hessa's Australian accent and mannerisms hopelessly offend Carels' haughty Silesian family?

2. So, like, I was lying there, and, like, these seven guys were all around and I really liked them, but not like that, if you know what I mean, so this totally rad dude comes up and he's like "What's going on?" and the little guys are like, "She's dead," and the cute guy's like, "Really? I think I can fix that," and he kisses me. What did you say your name was again? Peter?

3. A college freshman on the island Idylla falls for a fellow student who turns out to be the crown prince of a neighboring kingdom. Will she become his princess, or will she be turned off by the fact that he's only part human and is out to destroy Idylla?

4. Six years on and Prince Charming has kissed a lot of princesses, looking for the one (so he says). But not every princess is pure, and along the way he's picked up something nasty. Will mice Fennel and Chanelle help Liesl see through this noble but skanky man-slut before it's too late?

5. Eight years ago, Eleanor married death row inmate Billy Bob Wilson. When DNA evidence exonerates BB, Eleanor's sister Anna is in a race against time to uncover evidence of the murders BB did commit. Eleanor figures Anna's just jealous. Also, some POV issues.

6. Seventeen-year-old Juliette weds the Marquis de Sade. She’s thrilled and deeply in love. But the gardener keeps leering at her and one-by-one, young village girls disappear. Is it the gardener or something worse? Will Juliette solve the mystery before she too disappears?



Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 100,000 word Young Adult paranormal romance MY DEADLY PRINCE CHARMING.

What do you do when the boy you love is afraid to let you touch him for fear you will learn all his deadly secrets? [Sounds like he's gay and in the closet and came up with this "deadly secrets" line hoping to keep you around. There's no future with this guy, so show him the door, pronto.]

Upon the death of her mother, seventeen-year-old Iona flies to the Mediterranean island of Idylla to live with the father she never knew. She finds the island is a kind of modern-day utopia, a virtually crime free society filled with benevolent people. [Can you come up with better examples of what makes it a Utopia to a teenaged girl? It sounds like Stepford so far. Or just call it a modern-day Utopia and let it go at that. Or dump the whole sentence, which is irrelevant.]

One of Iona’s classmates at the University of Idylla is visiting student Prince Ariston, the Crown Prince of the neighboring island Kingdom of Perdia. The two bond over their love for Elizabethan poetry [Yep, he's gay.] and the Renaissance, and find they share a passion for reading and learning.

But not all knowledge is safe. When the island stimulates Iona’s latent powers of contact telepathy, Ariston must shun her, or risk her learning that he is only part human [Is he a merman? If so, I applaud your decision not to mention this in the query. If he's Aqualad, you probably should mention that.] and is in Idylla to take from them the very thing that makes them such a unique society. [When I think of what makes unique societies unique, it's usually something intangible, not something a merman could snatch and swim away with. Is there a reason you aren't revealing specifically what Ariston is after?]

Ariston is torn. While Iona’s ability to sometimes read his mind is a threat to him, she also starts developing the power to calm people down when they are agitated. [She takes the Superhero name Xanax, and joins the X-men.] The man with many demons to conquer realizes she is the only girl in the world who can heal his mind. [Suggested title: Mermen Versus Demons: the Mutant Wars, Book 1.]

It is only after Iona is kidnapped and nearly killed [How long after Iona finds that Idylla is virtually crime-free does this happen? Usually you don't declare a place crime-free if you've been kidnapped and nearly killed within a month of arriving.] that she discovers the secret of Idylla and must then choose between the man she loves and the country she has grown to love. Because each can survive only at the expense of the other. [I disagree. They are both torn, but if he chooses her instead of his mission, I see no reason both Idylla and Ariston can't both survive.] [Of course, a relationship in which the woman can read the man's mind is pretty much doomed from the start, especially when they hit the sheets and he inevitably starts fantasizing she's Penelope Cruz. Or Brad Pitt.]

MY DEADLY PRINCE CHARMING features a captivating, irresistible hero and heroine. [I didn't find him so irresistible. He's hiding the fact that he's not entirely human, and he's on a mission that will destroy the place. A bond based on Elizabethan poetry doesn't counter that. If he didn't need her mind-calming power he'd probably be long gone.] It captures the innocence and breathlessness of first love and the promise of a forever love. I have pasted the first chapter below.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

According to my i-geography app, which no editor should be without, Perdia is a town in the Cape Verde Islands and Idylla is a floating city in World of Warcraft. Iona, however, is an island, but off the west coast of Scotland, not in the Mediterranean.

Does the prince tell Iona she can't touch him because she'll learn his deadly secrets? If not, what is his explanation? And what teenager wants a boyfriend who won't touch her?

You don't need the second paragraph. The question is never answered, and the information is repeated later on.

You could try replacing the "captivating, irresistible" sentence with your very first sentence, and starting the query with your 3rd paragraph. This might put the paranormal aspect further down in the query than you want it, but if so, you could introduce Iona as seventeen-year-old telepath Iona. So your opening could be:

Upon the death of her mother, seventeen-year-old telepath Iona flies to the Mediterranean island of Idylla to live with the father she never knew. She enrolls at the University of Idylla, and soon bonds with fellow student Ariston, Crown Prince of the neighboring island Kingdom of Perdia, never suspecting that he is actually a merman out to sink Idylla to the bottom of the sea. (or whatever he is and plans to do).

Double Feature

Not much point in posting something new when so few are visiting the blog. So here are a couple films from the vault.

New Beginning 984

I paced up and down our small living room with its peeling walls and shabby furniture. My living room now. If I could make the rent.

I picked up a photograph of my mother from the mantelpiece. The small, pinched face had never looked this beautiful to me when she was alive. She had never been much of a companion to me, but right now I missed her acutely. At seventeen, I felt half a mother was better than none. If you’d asked me at thirteen, I might have felt differently.

The phone rang. I hesitated. It was probably yet another person calling to offer condolences. Let it ring.

But it wouldn’t stop, so I grabbed the receiver just to make it shut up. “Hello?”

“Iona?” An unfamiliar voice, but one that spoke with an accent I recognized.

“Who is this?” Even as I asked, I knew. There could be only one man with that particular European accent who would contact me.

“This is your father.”

My legs suddenly felt like Jello, so I sank into an armchair.

What was I supposed to say? Hi, Dad. Nice to hear from you. A shame you missed the first seventeen years of my life?

I decided to just wait. Let him explain himself.

"Iona? You there?"

"Mm-hmm," I replied.

"Oh, okay. Well look, just tell your mother I'm on my way home, and I couldn't get any; she'll have to use potatoes. I've looked literally everywhere and..."

On the bright side, I thought, he apparently knows the correct usage of the word "literally."


Opening: Crossword.....Continuation: Anon.

Merry Christmas

Christmas Guess the Plot

It's been three years since we did a Christmas Guess the Plot Quiz, but in all that time none of the Christmas GTPs were the actual plot of anyone's book. Thus I've taken the fake ones and mixed them with the real plots and some fake ones from past Christmas GTP Quizzes. So . . . Three of the following twenty plots were the actual plots of minions' novels. Which three?


1. A guy who pees on her boots. A porn-obsessed crybaby. A cheese thief. Sofia always seems to end up with losers. Her latest boyfriend has just given her her Christmas present: a crummy loaf of bread! Is this the final straw? Or is this what she gets for moving to LA?

2. Something sinister is afoot when the insurance office does its Secret Santa drawing and everyone draws Lucretia's name. Lucretia gets 35 gifts -- and a bullet in the head. Only mailroom boy Clark Cooper has what it takes to solve the mystery and deal with the Returns office at Macy's.

3. Sunol, California, 1998. Jeff Dunley and Mark Morris are engaged in an all-out, take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred war between their rival Christmas Tree farms.

4. When Santa's henchmen get tipsy on grog left beside the tree on Christmas Eve and end up busted for burglary, they soon realize the only way to survive incarceration is to form their own gang. They can't be "elves" any more. So they pierce their substantial pointy ears and swagger around, calling themselves the Holiday Lords.

5. Tina is beginning to hate Christmas. Every year it's the same two weeks of stress-inducing hell. Her family, in-laws, her family, in-laws. That is, until she finds out that she's married into the richest, most powerful group of witches and warlocks in the country. Can Tina convince them to halt their assault on the holidays and just relax already?

6. Christmastime, gentle snow falls, merry Santas, bludgeoned girls whose hair falls over their crushed skulls like strands of silver . . . it's just another day for Rudolph.

7. Secret Santa is all fun and games, until Hayley opens her package and finds a human hand. Should she report it to the cops or investigate herself? How hard can it be to spot someone who's missing a hand?

8. Evelyn told her mother-in-law that she wears a size 12, when a 16 is closer to the truth. With the family reunion drawing near, will Evelyn resign herself to wearing the ill-fitting gifts her mother-in-law sent her for Christmas, or will she find a way to escape. . . The Lies that Bind?

9. Charlotte has a thing for holidays. She poisoned the marshmallow chicks in her first husband's Easter basket, strangled her second husband with the ribbon from the Valentine's Day chocolate box, and suffocated her third with the helium balloons at his own birthday party. Now, as Christmas approaches, hubby #4 wonders why that package under the tree is ticking.

10. Every year, Carrie's creepy boss has groped and French-kissed her at the office holiday party. With the antidote in her hip pocket, she waits near the mistletoe and keeps her tongue away from her poisoned lipstick. By this time next year, she'll be the VP doing the groping.

11. Christmas at the estate of Lord Ajax was supposed to be the climax of this year's social season-- and the moment Lord Ajax proposes to her. But Clarissa discovers she is not to be the recipient of a marriage proposal, when she discovers her Ajax under the mistletoe, locked in the embrace of . . . her brother.

12. It's Christmas, and Christine has no one to spend it with--until she gets drawn into an international drug conspiracy by hunky doctor David McLeod. Now that she's found true love, can she stay alive long enough to enjoy it? Also, Johnny Cash.

13. Kelly Coosman volunteered to work the kissing booth for the parish Christmas Gala…it was the least she could do after Father McElroy rescued her from the streets of Chicago. But she’s been on her feet for fourteen hours straight, smooching hundreds of nicotine-fouled old men with rotten yellow teeth, and she's thinking prostitution wasn't so bad after all.

14. Confident his parents won't be getting him a Christmas present, Nate runs away from home and moves into Wal-Mart. When a night security guard finds him and realizes he's the missing boy she read about in the newspaper, she sets up a tent, gets Nate a sleeping bag, and helps him set up a household. Hey, the place gets lonely at night.

15. What started as an innocent kiss at the Devorson’s posh Christmas party turns into an obsession that leaves a trail of bodies from New York to Nevada. Beautiful detective Mary Sky must find the X-mas Killer, following the clues he leaves her, before Christmas rolls around again and his knife finds her under the Mistletoe.

16. When the scarves Aya is knitting for Christmas presents start to fray, so does her mind - convincing her doctor that knitting and mental illness are linked. Can he prove it in time to save his wife, a knittaholic?

17. Fourteen year old Cassie hates her life: she lives in Alabama; the guys at school ignore her; and her mom's a beauty queen. Sent to retrieve the Christmas lights from the attic, she stumbles on a strange box that glows. Opening it reveals a tiny man who tells her she's the princess of Faerie. Adventure ensues.

18. Fiona is lonely and miserable at the dorms her freshman year. With no friends or family, she's stuck there over Christmas vacation. Making things worse, the dorms are supposed to be haunted by the ghost of a student who hung himself in the lobby. Fiona doesn't believe it...until the strange love letters start appearing on her pillows.

19. Bob's trip to the toy store to get little Timmy something for Christmas turns into an epic battle of good vs evil when the evil elf running the cash register slips him the magic kaleidoscope he stole from Wizard Ferkle, who is desperate to retrieve it before the Dark Threesome can get their grubby hands on it.

20. As a nonogenarian wraps Christmas gifts for each of her relatives, she reflects on things they and others have done to annoy her over the course of her long life.


Answers below




The actual plots are:


1, 12, and 14.

2012 New Beginning Award Winners

It was 10:30 and we were halfway through the quarterly meeting when my clothing combusted. Several people gasped, and Celine Carter started giggling. I just stood up, dumped my cup of water down the front of my pantsuit, grabbed my briefcase, and said, “Excuse me.” Jennings pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand and waved me out with the other. 

I fumed all the way to the bathroom, clothes sizzling and the whole office gawking. Maddening. Just maddening. I’d always heard menopause was painful for super heroines, but this? This was humiliating! This was my third pantsuit in a week to explode; the second in a month to explode during a meeting.

I shucked off the ashy pantsuit and pulled a skirt and blouse from my briefcase. As I struggled into the new outfit, I called my husband on my cell.

“Jeff? I need an asbestos wardrobe!”

Jeff sighed. “Oh, sweetie. The flame retardant didn’t help?”

“No! I had a hot flash, and my clothes blew up. Again! It’s just…it’s so frustrating.”

“Maybe we could get Edna to make something for you? She dresses all the hip you--hip superheroes, doesn’t she? Or, wait, maybe we can just pull your old suit out of the attic!”

I huffed into the phone. “Even if I could fit into it, which I seriously doubt, I’d like to remind you that when I wore that thing, I only shot fire from my hands. It won’t do anything against a full body hot flash!”

“You could always quit your job and just sit around the house naked.”

* * *

Enough!" Stan hollered. "I Know I said we needed a female superhero in our comics line, and that I wanted it written by a woman, but issue 1 was breast feeding in public, issue 2 was that time of the month, and now menopause?! Firebabe has yet to take on a single villain!"

"But Boss," Chatsworth replied, "it's outselling Spiderman and Superman. It's the hottest title in comics."

"I know, I know. It just feels . . . wrong."

"Not to worry, Boss. Next month Firebabe faces her toughest foe yet. The Misogynist!"

"Who's he?"

"The shoe salesman from hell!"

"Christ."

 Opening: Rachel Roy......Continuation: Evil Editor

Some months after my cousin took a bad fall down the grand staircase of his home, I called on him for an extended stay. I arrived but a short hour before the doctor was to arrive for one last examination, and he, having burned off any inherent bashfulness at boarding school and again in the army, invited me to stay and chat throughout the examination.

The doctor struck a match and passed it before my cousin's eyes to watch his pupils follow it; snapped his fingers at either ear to see if he started. My cousin's joints were flicked and found adequate. The doctor seemed pleased with his recovery."

"Has your appetite been well?" he asked, writing mysterious marks into a notebook.

"Strong as ever," said my cousin. "Stay for tea and I shall prove it."

"And your libido?"

"Positively libid."

"And how have you slept?"

I saw my cousin hesitate for a slip of a moment before saying, "Never deeper. Never deeper."

"Appetite and libido good?" The doctor's face wrinkled his concern. "And yet you're sleeping deep? Hmmm."

The omnipresent author slipped my cousin a note. His face lit up, and he spoke with a renewed vigour.

"Maybe I've discovered some fantasy dream world the rest of this story will be about, in which I'm some testosterone-fueled centaur laird taking a stand against the nouveau teen vampire chic with hooves a-blazing."

"Might work," said the doctor, tossing aside his stethoscope, "but you reckoned without the Snake Lords of the Preposterous!"

As serpents slid from beneath his Red Cross poncho, I sensed it was time to play my own hand. It roared from my wrist, half Addams Family appendage, half Fireball XL5 rocket propulsion blast, and stabbed a series of alien-looking sigils into my cousin's bare chest.

EQUINE RELATIVE!
I SUMMON YOUR ASS
AS AN AMPUTEE WIZARD ENRAGED!
TOGETHER WE WILL BATTLE THESE SERPENT MEDICS!
AND SAVE ALL HUMANITY—

"Ha!" cried the doctor. "Your edict has fallen foul of the terminal navel. If you're gonna inscribe a call to arms on a torso, do it on a giant where there's more room to flow freely."

The omnipresent author slipped my cousin another note.

"Forget the horses and the snakes. Looks like we're going with romance."

No need for further words. The three of us embraced each other on the hospital bed. Then we kissed like harlots, ready to spawn some fantasy love child...


Opening: 150.....Continuation: Whirlochre

When the world came to, it came, not to its senses, but to its madness. Those who were left alive learned what their needs were—these of course, were the same as they ever had been, as the nature of the ones left behind was no different from the nature of the ones who had gone on—and from one’s nature come one’s needs. They learned what their true needs were, which was almost as important as learning how to get them met.

Air, of course, then water, then food. Those who were left alive were at the mercy of place, and some lingered long enough to learn how to get their needs met in the place where they were; others did not, and died. Still others began to travel the broken roads, to band together, to beat back or be beaten back, to become victims or victors. Eventually, life resumed its potent, inviolable rhythm. And eventually, the things that had been left behind began to become normal.

The crone’s name was Senga. That’s what everyone called her, anyway. She was not quite the eldest of their group, but if she wasn’t, no one knew anyone older.
 
Senga knew what life had been like in the old days, the days before the days of now and the days before the days of before the days of now and even the days before the days of before the days of before the days of now. She could teach us how to function again. We could emerge, blinking, into the light. Society could regain its structure.

Our future depended on Senga's memories, and on only one other thing: that she could finish imparting these memories to us before we could no longer resist eating her.

Opening: Helen O'Reilly.....Continuation: Anon.

2012 Face-Lift Award Winners

3rd Place

Face-Lift 1029

Don't Date a Bro

2nd Place

Face-Lift 1008

The Final Clue

1st Place

Face-Lift 984

The Star Bear Odyssey

The 2012 Face-Lift Awards

364 days a year Evil Editor judges your work. Today is your annual oppor- tunity to critique EE. Below are the nominees for Best Face-Lift. The query letters themselves are not part of the criteria, nor are the minions' comments. Basically, you're ranking EE's contribution, and the main criteria, as always here, is humor.

Click on each link to read the nominees. Then on the BALLOT, open the score box and give 5 points to your favorite, 4 for 2nd place, etc.

Face-Lift 984

Face-Lift 999

Face-Lift 1008

Face-Lift 1029

Face-Lift 1032

Voting is complete.

Synopsis 34

Guess the Plot

Fire and Ice

1. It's like rock paper scissors, but there are only two items. Fire melts ice, ice puts out fire. Rarely settles anything.

2. Volcanologist Ginny Rains knows that under the glaciers of Ranier lies a magma chamber waiting to explode. No, wait, she's thinking of her hunky massage therapist, Rainier Lourdes.

3. Warm-hearted Noa is a Samoan fire juggler. On an international cruise he meets Sedna, a gorgeous Inuit vixen. When a violent storm flings them overboard they find themselves stranded on a desert island. Can Noa keep them both alive and melt Sedna's icy heart, or is love between them more unlikely than their chances of being rescued?

4. Aoal Aoalbjorn, an eager young attorney in Reykjavic, is given a career-making case -- sue Disney Corporation for infringing Iceland's "Land of Fire and Ice" trademark. But soon seven shadowy figures are trailing him, muttering Hi-ho, Hi-ho-micide. Can Aoal's knowledge of trademark law and Krav Maga keep him safe?

5. When demons from hell attack an ice-bound town, Jenna and her friends flee. The demons follow. Desperate, Jenna's friends theorize that the demons are actually after Jenna, and not them.

6. Kieran Keene quits Fire Robinson’s Rock-N-Blues Band and takes his sax to Ice Coffee’s Bluegrass Revival. Once again mutilated groupies are found – this time near Ice Coffee’s venues. Now Kieran suspects Ice and enlists Fire’s help to expose the killer. But hot detective Mary McRae is on the case, intent on proving Kieran’s guilt.

7. John Bound, Agent 005, is relegated to office duties while agent 007 gets the prestige assignments. Bound -- John Bound – has a plan to frame that prissy Bond. He conspires with the head of French Intelligence. But Bound is betrayed by a Bulgarian being blackmailed by Bond. Can he clear himself or is it life in solitary for John?



Original Version

Jenna and her friends are living hard but peaceful lives in the far-flung, snowy town of Cirrus. The circle consists of six close friends, who like everyone else who lives in the isolated town, have chosen to abandon their pasts and start over as far away as possible. They’re all running from different things: Jenna from the scorn she faces for marrying an elf, [Time out. Give me a minute to recalibrate my thinking from litfic to fantasy.] Quael; Danath from a string of selfish decisions he made after losing his family to war; Shea from the ghosts of her parents; Thane from his haunting past among his people, the dwarves; and Geth and Bretton from their constant persecution for their sexual orientation. [Are they both men or both women or is one an elf and the other a dwarf?] Still, they all seemed to have found happiness in starting over. [Is the elf part of the circle? If you run away to the far-flung town of Cirrus to escape the scorn you face for marrying an elf, the least you can do is bring the elf along with you. If the elf is part of the circle, why isn't he one of seven close friends?]

But their peaceful lives are shattered when a group of demons descends [If you just say "when demons descend", you won't have to worry about whether "group of demons" is singular or plural.] upon Cirrus. As members of the town guard, Jenna and her friends throw themselves into battle and are successful in fighting off the attacking horde. [I'm sure there's a good explanation for how these characters are able to repel a horde of demons. I suppose it's a horde of incompetent demons who've consistently been driven away by humans until they finally got together and said, We suck at this, why don't we attack some far-flung snowy town where everybody's a loser, just to build our confidence, and then we can come back to civilization and whip some ass, except now it turns out they can't even demonize six clinically depressed people who've totally given up on life.] Although the demons are pushed back, the city is not without casualties, the most painful of which are Jenna’s husband and children. As she and her friends struggle to swallow the pain, they set out on a journey southward to find supplies for the devastated town. But the first town they come to, [Cumulus,] Nocht, denies them any aid, saying they simply have nothing to spare. The group decides [Avoid the decide/decides decision by saying "The Cirrusians decide..."] to send home what few supplies they can scavenge or buy, and continue onward to the much larger town of Selliswyth in search of real help for Cirrus.

On the road between Nocht and Selliswyth, a surly elf named Ethos joins the group. Having been heading to Cirrus in search of Quael, he’s upset to find out that his quarry is dead, but tentatively decides to stay with Jenna and her friends as they continue south. When Jenna can no longer hide the fact that she’s pregnant with Quael’s last child, Ethos becomes rather protective of her. Upon reaching Selliswyth, the group again finds [find] no aid for Cirrus. As they contemplate their next move, [Note that you've referred to the group as "they" rather than "it", possibly suggesting that a plural verb is best.] the band of demons attacks [Hmm. I'll let you have "attacks," although I doubt minions from across the pond will be so generous.] again, forcing the seven friends to flee the city. Believing it unsafe to return to Cirrus, the group continue[(s?)] southward down an isolated pass through the harsh mountains. As they journey, they slowly come to realize the demons are in fact hunting them down – specifically, Jenna and Quael’s unborn child. [I get the impression Ethos could have told them this from the get-go, rather than let them slowly realize it.] [When you're being tracked by demons, what clues lead you to the conclusion that they are after one member's unborn child?

Shea: We'll never outrun these demons.
Danath: If only we knew why they want to kill us all.
Geth: Maybe they don't want to kill us all. Maybe they just want to kill one of us. By which I mean one of you.
Bretton: Maybe they're after Jenna's unborn child.
Thane: Then it's settled. We leave Jenna behind and see if they quit hounding us; if they don't, we'll assume they're really after . . . Geth and Bretton.
Geth: You bastard! How do we know they aren't after you?
Thane: Hey, I'm not the one with the perverted sexual orientation.]


Notes

A synopsis should carry the story beyond this point. If you're trying to keep it short, we can do without knowing what each character has gone to Cirrus to escape. You could refer to "Jenna and the other members of the town guard," rather than naming each of them. Jenna, Quael and Ethos are the only characters whose names appear more than once; maybe they're the only characters you need to name.

While the part of your book you've summarized here may be a substantial part of the story, I'm thinking the most interesting part of the story is what happens after they realize it's the unborn kid being hunted. So give us some of that. How do Jenna and others handle knowing everyone's in danger because of Jenna's child?

Collective nouns have complicated rules, at least in the US. Whether you give them a singular or plural verb depends on whether all members of the group are acting as one. For instance, you'd probably say, A bunch of children are swimming in the pool, even though the subject is "bunch" and not "bunches." The children are all swimming, but they're also doing their own thing. But you'd say The synchronized swimming team is practicing in the pool, because they're all doing the same thing as one. (Unless they're the Australian synchronized swimming team.) In Britain, they like plural for everything. For instance, note that in the caption below this photo of the Russian synchronized swimming team, the verb is plural, though the swimmers are all celebrating as one. If those Olympics had been held in Chicago rather than London, it would have been a different story. Whether you get it right or wrong, there will always be people who think you got it wrong, so don't worry about it too much.

I would go with The group decide, not decides, as I'm guessing more than one viewpoint was expressed, and agreement was reached through a discussion or a vote or one person acting as the loudmouthed big shot who has to get his way.

Interestingly, adding an "s" to a noun usually changes it from singular to plural, while adding an "s" to a verb usually changes it from plural to singular.

Synopsis 33

Guess the Plot

Bound

1. An S and M how-to guide. Comes with a starter set, including 50 feet of clothesline.

2. A group of kidnapping victims escape, taking with them bad memories and the "family" dog. They feel bound together (and to the dog) and decide to stay together and make their own way.

3. Bound together by a sex demon, Jim and Kyle and Meg are compelled to have sex and erotic dreams unless they can somehow break free. First, of course, Meg must convince Jim and Kyle that they want to break free.

4. A young kangaroo is sad because his brothers and sisters all jump and bounce high into the air, while he can barely get off the ground, but when a crisis arises, he saves the day for everyone with his own secret talent.

5. Nerdy wizard Pireakee figured he had it made when he bound himself to busty blonde witch D'brah. Little did he know she came with a bunch of half-human kids from a string of lovers, a mother with the disposition of an angry cobra, and the inability to stop screaming Elvish curses at him. Can it really take that long for the end of time to arrive?

6. After a creepy game of Ouija at a midnight masquerade, Karl Bilger is walking home alone when a drunk driver runs him over. Now Karl's soul is bound to the car that killed him. Karl revs his engine and zooms off for the ride of his afterlife.

Original Version

BOUND

Meggie Kain is clairvoyant, [Meggie? I'd go with Megan or Meg. Meggie looks like you misspelled Maggie.] a talent that has left her alienated from her family and all but two friends. She has spent her life trying to suppress her ability, but it occasionally breaks through her control; like when she met Jim Richardson the first time, stopping him on the street with a prophetic warning he would not heed. ["Stop staring at my boobs or you're gonna get kicked in the balls."]

The second time Meggie and Jim meet, her vulnerable mind absorbs his memories of both their first encounter, and of an illicit sexual incident [Is that the best description you can come up with for what happened? Illicit sexual incident?] with a woman who is much more than she seems. A woman who isn’t human at all, but the physical manifestation of a sex demon. [Just once I'd like to have an illicit sexual incident with a sex demon.] [But Mrs. V. keeps turning me down.]

Not knowing that a demon has bound them together, Jim has ignored the vivid sexual dreams and draining sense of fatigue for the past month. But his roommate, Kyle Stanton, has begun experiencing the same thing, [Is "them" Jim and Meggie or Jim and Kyle or Jim and the demon?] and it’s spreading to their new houseguest, Peter; an unwilling participant whose refusal incites a violent reaction from the demon. [What is he refusing? To have vivid sexual dreams and a draining sense of fatigue?] [Is the woman who is the physical manifestation of the sex demon a character at this point, or was her encounter with Jim a one-time thing?]

Not knowing who else he can turn to, Jim begs Meggie’s help. [As far as I can tell, Meggie is a complete stranger Jim encountered on the street. Now she's the only person he can turn to to help him deal with his vivid sexual dreams?] [Ladies, help me out here. A guy walks up to you and says, "Remember me? You stopped me on the street a few weeks ago and made some inexplicable loony comment, and ever since that day I've been having vivid sexual dreams, and you're the only person I can turn to to help me get through this." Would you run in the other direction or would you be drawn to this guy?] She is drawn to both Jim and Kyle. Together they offer her a rare sense of acceptance and the freedom to be exactly who she is. [Are these the two friends you mentioned in the first sentence? Because I think we all assumed that even before she met Jim she had two friends she hadn't alienated.] Reluctantly, she agrees to help; temptation and sympathy outweighing the fears of peering into the dark corners of her soul and facing a demon.

From the moment she enters Jim’s home, she is caught in a maelstrom of a dark desire she can’t fight, and the icy grip of a demon she must. Sensing her ability, the demon claims her, too, and the only way to free all of them is to explore the sensual and psychic connection that is growing stronger by the moment between her, Jim and Kyle. [Now we're getting somewhere. Although I'd prefer if the third person were Kate instead of Kyle.]

Several failed attempts at banishment has only managed to anger [have only angered] the demon. Turning on them, the demon strikes out, fighting for its own survival. With no other options left, Meggie looks into her own psyche, facing her fear and reaching for her talent.

With a half-formed plan to reverse the flow of energy, taking from the demon and weakening it until the bond is broken, Meggie, Jim and Kyle go into battle. But, after years of denying her own talent, Meggie fails and they are all bound. [What?! She fails; The end? That's like watching The Wizard of Oz and at the end Dorothy clicks her heels together and says, "There's no place like home," and nothing happens so she's stuck there forever or at least until the wicked witch of the south, who's much worse than her eastern and western sisters shows up and wipes out humanity and munchkinity.]

Authors Note: Bound is either an erotic horror, or a paranormal romance with a not-exactly-happy ending. [Not exactly? They go into battle, lose, and end up bound to a demon?] (Opinion on genre would be appreciated.) [If you call this a romance, aren't readers going to expect a happily ever after?]


Notes 

I think we need a more concrete description of what these people are fighting. Do the men know there's a sex demon involved, or do they just think they're dealing with dreams and fatigue? Is the sex demon still manifesting as a woman, and if not, what form is it taking? Is it visible?

What is this warning Meg gives Jim the first time she sees him?

What's at stake? Either they free themselves from the demon or they are doomed to having lots of sex with each other and a voluptuous sex demon along with sexy dreams and a bit of fatigue from having so much sex? And Jim and Kyle want out of this arrangement?

Does Jim consider a psychiatrist before deciding Meggie is the one person he can turn to?

I don't see why the first paragraph shouldn't be in present tense, like the rest of the synopsis.

Update

Okay, for those who've been following the Evil Editor Strips saga, the problem strip is no longer a problem. The printer has given me a code with which I can re-order the books, and they claim I can order them in softcover or hard, so I'm going with hard. (They normally charge an extra eight dollars a copy for hardcover.)

Once I saw the mistake in the original order of 15 softcovers, I contacted them and canceled an order of five hardcovers which I was planning to keep/give as gifts. Shockingly, those five books showed up the next week, with the defective toon. When they eventually told me they'd finally solved the problem, I didn't trust them, so I ordered three hardcovers. They came out just right. So, here's what I now have:

15 softcover copies with one defective cartoon.
5 hardcover copies with one defective cartoon.
3 hardcover copies with no problems.
2 softcover proof copies in which the defective cartoon is not defective, but on which I made some minor adjustments in this and that, like the cover is purple rather than blue and I touched up the artwork.

And coming in a couple weeks:

15 hardcover copies with no problems. (I hope.)

Rather than dump the 20 defective-strip books for which I paid nothing, my plan is to sell them at a reduced price (Hey, it's one defective strip out of 160), and use the profit to reduce the price of the perfect books for which I paid a lot.

And rather than put the book in the Evil Editor Store, where my shopping cart host charges 9%, I've attached my email address (evledtr@gmail.com) to a Paypal account. I believe Paypal takes more like 2%. As I understand it, all you need is someone's email address to send them money out of your own Paypal account or with your credit card. I guess I'll find out if this is correct as soon as someone attempts to order one of these books.

So, working with round figures instead of putting .99 on the end of everything (because it's easier to add up totals, even if it does make everything seem much more expensive), if you want the book, send me money through Paypal as follows:

softcover w. 1 bad cartoon: $10
softcover proof: $12
hardcover w. 1 bad cartoon: $20
perfect hardcover: $30

In the US, fast shipping: $6
            slower shipping: $4

Other countries, here's my guesstimate. Sorry if I'm way over.

Canada: $6
Other: $12


Besides sending payment, email me (evledtr@gmail.com) to tell me what you paid for. And if you're ordering one of the books with a defective strip, and you want me to add speech balloons to that strip so it has a punch line, let me know. I don't claim I can do a better printing job than you could, but I'll do my best. Possible caption options are at the bottom of the previous update.  Feel free to request anything else. Sample strips may be viewed here.

I have no idea if many (or any) of you want the book, but due to the limited quantities of some items, you might want to email me now and reserve what you want. For instance, if you want to give a perfect hardcover as a Christmas gift, note that there are currently only three, and I may not have the other 15 in time to get one to you for Christmas.

Oh, and that guy who wanted to give his wife an editing job for Christmas, but lost the auction: cool idea. Email me if you still want it, we'll negotiate a deal.