Face-Lift 1007

Guess the Plot

Safe-Cracker

1. A wafer of unleavened bread drifts in interstellar space, while the long-dead astronauts who would have eaten it moulder in their own soluble fats.

2. A parrot and a police inspector form an unlikely pair as they hunt the man who killed the bird’s owner and cracked his safe. But the killer has other plans for the feathered witness.

3. Xavier thought he was finished with crime. But when the local loan shark comes after his kid brother, Xavier will have to put his gifted fingers to work one last time. But can even he crack the TL30X6 Elite?

4. The search for a cracker that doesn't contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil, high fructose corn syrup, or even "evaporated cane juice" takes Freida Freelander to the wilds of Inner Mongolia, where she finds love with a yak herder. But still no safe crackers.

5. Zach's regular job is cracking convenience store safes. But now Harry, his partner in crime, wants to move up to high-end targets like jewelry stores. Zach would rather quit his job and become a famous artist. But is it really any easier to make a living in the high-end art world?

6. With all the unavoidable hazardous chemicals and genetically mutated garbage they put in snacks these days, Stan hopes to make a killing by marketing his gentle variety of wholly harmless crisp salty thin biscuits. He plans to decorate the box with inoffensive jokes, and enclose in each package an innocuous pyrotechnic device.



Original Version

Zach Dixon would like to quit his regular job. Cracking safes is beginning to get a little old. [All jobs get a little old when you do them forty hours a week. I would expect a safecracker to have a shorter work week, however.] But his partner and self-titled manager Harry [Nice arrangement. Zach gets the money out of the safes and Harry manages things.] has other ideas: he’s working on getting himself and Zach into Mitch Danaher’s gang. Going from convenience stores to high-end mansions and jewelry stores would be quite a lucrative accomplishment, and Harry is sure they can do it. [I don't see why they need to be in Mitch's gang to rob mansions. One or two guys can claim to be checking the gas main or the cable. It looks more suspicious if a whole gang shows up at a mansion.]

Zach isn’t sure that he wants to do it. His hobby is painting, and he recently met an art dealer who loves his work and might be able to make him famous. Besides, Danaher’s boys play much rougher than pacifist Zach likes. He starts looking for a way out. [The trouble with being a pacifist convenience store robber is that often the people who work in convenience stores aren't pacifists.]

He’s heard the only way out of the Big Leagues is through the morgue. Dying is really low on his agenda right now. But so is betraying Harry, and it’s starting to look as if the only way to quit is to betray Harry and as many of the gang as possible. [He's not betraying the gang if he hasn't joined it. Has he?]


P.S. I beg, I plead, I implore you (or anyone!) for a decent title!


Notes

The whole thing is just setting up the situation. If you condense the setup to:

Zach Dixon and his partner Harry make their living robbing convenience store safes. But now Harry wants to graduate to high-end targets like jewelry stores and mansions, while Zach wants to quit the business and become an artist. He's even found an art dealer who loves his work.

. . . there'll be plenty of room to tell us what actually happens in the book. Do they join the gang? Participate in a big heist? What goes wrong? Does the gang target the art dealer's mansion? Give us some of the plot, preferably something that makes this different from all the movies in which the guy who wants to go straight gets stuck working one last heist.

Whether you like your title or not, I assume you know it should be included in the query, along with the word count. "Safecracker" is a word, even if Blogger doesn't think so, so you don't need the hyphen or a space. I don't hate it as a title if Zach is cracking safes throughout the book. If he's a safecracker for three chapters and spends the rest of the book making his way as an artist, however... Hey, has anyone else used The Artist as a title?

New Beginning 933

Dephon’s father had a power--a super power. Singleton Johnson had the amazing ability to blend seamlessly into the sofa.

Dephon wasn’t sure if it was due to his father’s fourteen-plus years of practice or some innate ability, but on days when his father wore his cream cardigan, beige cargo pants, and faded white socks‑‑which was everyday‑‑he almost disappeared. Dephon could always tell his father was there from the black remote gripped tightly in his hand.

As far back as Dephon could remember his father had always been on the couch. So of course, on March 26, when he entered their two-story Tudor-style home through the underground passage that linked the school’s sewer system to his home, he wasn’t surprised to find his father in his cream cardigan, beige cargo pants, and faded white socks‑‑on the couch.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hello, Dephon. How was school?” his father asked in an uninterested monotone.

Dephon really wanted to tell him the truth, that school was a nightmare. The thugs on the football team had filled his locker with urine again. Kerry Dorsey thought it would be hilarious to put a dissected frog from the Biology lab on his seat during English class. And to top it all off, he’d gotten a D-plus on his Math test.

He decided to settle for, "Same as usual."

"We need to talk," his father said, his monotone even flatter than usual. "Sit down."

"Hm?" Dephon looked over at the recliner and realized the usual tell-tale copy of "Us" magazine was missing. Not believing his eyes, he swept the pleather with his hands. Nothing. But . . . where was his--

"Son, your mother has moved out."

"Wha--!"

"And this is Rochelle. She'll be staying here awhile..."

"Hello, Dephon," said the reading lamp, which, Dephon now noticed, was wearing a leopard skin halter-top.


Opening: Folami Morris.....Continuation: Anon.

Face-Lift 1006

Guess the Plot

Band Geeks and Football Freaks

1. ...and 20,000 other lyrics that some conscientious editor omitted from Don McLean's original version of the song "American Pie."

2. Twins Kelly and Shelly make a pact to save themselves for marriage. Then they discover their parents are swingers, and make a new pact. Kelly, a cheerleader, will do the guys on the football squad and Shelly, a majorette, will do the guys in band. The one who does the most by homecoming wins.

3. In a last-ditch attempt to garner publicity for his ailing campaign, Newt Gingrinch takes the advice of his campaign manager’s 12-year old daughter and orders new uniforms for the team.

4. High school has been divided into factions since forever. Now Janie, a vampire, and her best friend Lisa, a soft-spoken mummy, plan to change all that. Hilarity ensues.

5. Quarterback Quinn launches a hazing campaign against tuba-tooting Terrance when the musician begins dating his ex. But Quinn has forgotten one thing: no matter how big he and his teammates are, they are outnumbered. When the brass and drum sections rally to Terrance’s aid, Quinn and his cronies learn they aren’t the only uniforms on the field.

6. Band member Simon develops the ability to see the result of the next football play before it happens. The coach rips him from the band and makes him his assistant. With Simon calling the plays, the team starts winning and he's in the popular crowd. But what about his upcoming music audition? And his geeky friends in band?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

At Wilmington High School’s football home opener, Simon Turner is standing on the sidelines, anxiously waiting to perform at halftime. [Make it the Super Bowl and Tina Turner, and I'm hooked.] After all, aren’t the fans there to see the marching band? Unfortunately, an overthrown pass hits him on the head, knocking him out cold. When he comes to he has a nasty-looking bruise, along with something else – [A lawsuit against the city.] the ability to see the next play of the game before it happens. At first he only uses his talent to make money off of the drumline by betting how many yards the Wildcats will gain (or more often than not, lose) each play. But when Coach “Mad Dog” Miller gets wind of Simon’s new talent, it isn’t long before Simon is ripped from the pep band and transplanted to the sideline to become the football team’s new “student assistant.” If only Simon knew the difference between a quarterback and a wide receiver...

With some intense study sessions, he learns enough about football to help call the plays. To everyone’s surprise, especially Coach Miller’s, the Wildcats actually start winning. But Simon is spending so much time helping the football team [cheat], he hasn’t been practicing for his scholarship audition, and he hasn’t talked to his band friends in weeks. He’s spending every free minute outside of school with the popular crowd, who considers [consider] him Wilmington’s good luck charm and best shot at finally advancing past districts.

When Simon realizes calling the play to win state will result in one of the players suffering a career-ending injury, he’ll have to decide if he wants to lead the Wildcats to victory …or go back to being a band geek. [You've switched the main conflict from popularity vs. his future to popularity vs. some other guy's future. I like it better without this paragraph. This new conflict implies that every single play Simon could possibly call will result in a loss or a career-ending injury. Also, he could turn the decision over to the player who'll be injured and ask if he wants to win that badly. And then the kid says, Hell no, I wanna play college football, but then the coach steps in and says You'll never make it as a college football player, and this may be the only chance we ever have of winning the state championship, even if we are cheating to do it.] [The point is, none of this even comes up if we leave this paragraph out of the query.]

BAND GEEKS AND FOOTBALL FREAKS is a 60,000 word YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The query is clear and straightforward, but it's not grabbing me, possibly because the first paragraph is wordy. Here it is with about 50 words deleted:

At Wilmington High’s football home opener, trombonist Simon Turner is on the sidelines waiting to perform at halftime when an overthrown pass hits him on the head, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he has a nasty-looking bruise – along with the ability to see the next play of the game before it happens!

When Coach “Mad Dog” Miller gets wind of Simon’s new talent, it isn’t long before Simon is ripped from the pep band and transplanted to the sideline as the football team’s new “student assistant.” If only Simon knew the difference between a linebacker and a protractor...


Also, while I know football and band are high school activities, this strikes me as something middle graders would find more entertaining. YA is all sex and murdering each other these days.

Face-Lift 1005

Guess the Plot

The Exemeus

1. After years of warp-speed travel, Captain Jean-Luc Picard returns to Earth with a Klingon makeover, a Romulan wife, and a ship with a new name.

2. Legendary magician "The Exemeus" has recently contracted pancreatic disease. Pissed at the world for such a mundane end to his life he's ready to blow the lid off the whole magical community.

3. The story of Dephon's late mother's role in the oppressive Treptonian government's rise to power is told in a book called The Exemeus. It's a different book from this book. In this book, Dephon reads The Exemeus.

4. Dr. Brock Latner and Prof. Juliette James have always been not-so-friendly rivals in chasing down ancient artifacts. But their latest escapade bogs down when they spend most of the book arguing about how to pronounce their current target.

5. Gemologist Janet Green has been working on the perfect lab-made diamond for a decade. When she thinks she’s found the way to guarantee the best carbon structure possible, her lab is broken into and all her work destroyed. Now she’s on the run -- but from whom?

6. Lawanda White thinks she creatively outdid her neighbors when she calls her infant twins Oranjelo and Lemanjelo. But her sister outdoes her, giving her newborn child a demonstrative article and name: The Exemeus. Family feud ensues.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Fourteen-year-old Dephon Johnson lives on a post-apocalyptic Earth where the Treptonian government would forbid breathing--if it didn’t need its taxpayers. Dephon just wants to survive ninth grade, preferably without repeat dunkings in the toilet, courtesy of the football team. [The apocalypse may leave the world a burning wasteland of rubble, but we will never put up with toilets not working.] However, swirlies become the least of his concerns when his mother’s former mentor, Jacqueline, barrels into his life. Armed with a talking rooster and exploding paper, she has a less-than-well-thought-out plan to commit treason. [Impossible to buy that a fourteen-year-old, dealing with a plan to commit treason and repeat dunkings in the school toilet, would consider swirlies the least of his concerns.] Dephon wants no part of it, but getting rid of Jacqueline isn’t going to be easy. She’s convinced that in ten short days Dephon will inherit a legendary power that may or may not improve his acne, but could possibly destroy the Treptonian government once and for all. [I want nothing to do with your political schem--Did you say it might improve my acne?]

Unfortunately, the government believes it too.

With hundreds of assassins dispatched to neutralize him as a threat, Dephon has no choice but to sign up for Jacqueline’s plan. But Dephon soon realizes what every 14- year-old boy already knows: women are crazy. [14-year-old boys already know that women are demon-spawn; they don't know they're also crazy until they're in their forties.] For her plan to work, Dephon must keep secrets from his mind-reading father, battle a swarm of mystical bees for their allegiance, and infiltrate the very army out to kill him. Oh, there's also the minor complication of it requiring active participation from his dead mother. Yep, all in all, Dephon is fairly confident that if the Treptonian government doesn’t kill him, Jacqueline’s plan certainly will.

THE EXEMEUS is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


[Note for Evil Editor- the title is the name of a magical book in the story which tells the story of his mother's battle against the Treptonian army.]


[The author provided an alternate ending to the query, kicking in after the one-sentence paragraph:]

With hundreds of assassins dispatched to neutralize him as a threat, Dephon’s only choice is to sign up for Jacqueline’s plan. Unfortunately, her plan includes+ doing recon in the Treptonian army’s lair, battling a swarm of mystical bees for their allegiance, and reading enough to make his ninth grade English class look like preschool. [The football team has no trouble finding him for his daily dunking, but hundreds of assassins are flummoxed while he's sitting around reading?] Dephon is more than ready to give up and go into hiding. But then he stumbles onto the truth about his dead mother’s involvement in the Treptonian government’s rise to power. [What he stumbles onto, I assume, is The Exemeus, a magical book that details his mother's role in... If you go with this version, may as well use the opportunity to explain where the title comes from.]

Before Dephon can decide what to do, the assassins are at his door and Jacqueline’s true plan is revealed: to transport him back in time to prevent the government from ever conquering Earth. [Going back in time is a good way to escape hundreds of assassins. But recon in the enemy lair, bee battling and reading aren't. I'd leave these other activities out of the query unless you want to explain why he's wasting time with them.] With only a swarm of bees by his side, Dephon sets out to destroy the Treptonian government once and for all. But in the past, Dephon reconnects with his mother and faced with saving his planet or his mom, Dephon’s not sure he can choose.

THE EXEMEUS is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I prefer the length of the first version. I would like the first version better without the "women are crazy" sentence. Neither version hints at why the book is called The Exemeus, which could be bothersome if it's a made-up word.

If the book wouldn't be described as a comedy, featuring the comedic parts in the query may give the wrong impression. Talking roosters, mystical bees and swirlies don't strike me as noteworthy features of a book set on an oppressive post-apocalyptic Earth, unless this is a satire of the glut of post-apocalyptic YA novels out there.

In what way is the book magical?

How is post-apocalyptic Earth different? Magic exists, time travel is possible, some men can read minds, roosters talk, hundreds of assassins can't handle a job that one used to do... It sounds more like an alternate dimension or a bizarro world than Earth after some apocalyptic event.

Face-Lift 1004

Guess the Plot

Bitter Angel

1. Buffy the vampire slayer is back! And she's got Angel in tow. He no longer has his own show and will appear in only 6 out of the 23 episodes, making for a very . . . Bitter Angel.

2. In the war between heaven and Earth, Kendra, the oldest angel, doesn't want to get involved . . . until her daughter is tricked into joining Satan's side. Now there's going to be hell to pay.

3. After a life performing good deeds, June winds up spending eternity saving the souls of the gluttons in the bulimia club. And to top it off, her disgustingly perfect nemesis Dora is assigned to sinners at the male strip joint. June begins to wish she never quit the Hare Krishnas.

4. Lucifer's daughter knew something was wrong when she didn't get her magical powers on her 16th birthday. All the other Demons got theirs. She's about to go apocalyptic, when she discovers that her father's actually an angel!

5. After escaping from a serial killer and then getting captured by him again, Lila declares that she's a failure as a human, and when she dies she'll be a . . . Bitter Angel.

6. Raphael's had it up to here with Michael and Gabriel getting all the attention. When he gets wind of demonic goings-on down on Earth, he figures he can do just as good a job as his brothers. Sharpen up the flaming sword, it's time for the other archangel to shine!


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Have you ever wanted a do-over? A rewind? [A Groundhog Day moment?] Of course you have. We’ve all wanted to right our wrongs, [win a free ball,] turn back the clock, ["Turn Back the Clock"--Johnny Hates Jazz] strike the black marks from our score cards. Will you get that chance? Probably not. But I will. [Because I have that Memento guy's condition.]

I’m Lila Spencer, nineteen, and I was lucky enough to land [my time machine] at a countryside college in TN with my two best friends, Heather and Nilah, as roomies. It’s Friday, and Jay, love of my life, is visiting from his fancy shmancy art school in Chicago. Problem is, it’s Nilah’s birthday. And I forgot. I have two choices: I can go party with my friends or stay in with my man. ["Should I stay or should I go?"--The Clash] I want to be a good friend, and Jay is sweet and understanding, so I decide to go.

But I also stay.

Confusing, right? [Yeah.] Yeah, for me too. Waking up the next morning, I remember doing both. Going and staying. [This is the plot of the TV show Awake.] When I went, we rocked it out, partied hard, and landed ourselves in a shitty apartment, drugged, hogtied, naked, ["Drugged, Hogtied & Naked"--The Lennon Sisters] and fighting for our lives. I confiscated [grabbed] a t-shirt, escaped, and was able to lead the police back to Heather and Nilah. We all survived. When I stayed, I went to sleep, safe and warm in Jay’s arms. [If this is two books, I wanna read the one about when you went.] But I had the worst nightmare. I was standing by my friends’ bodies in a field, then I was at their funeral. Jay’s hand was on my shoulder, and I started to cry. Blood, not tears. Their blood was on my hands.

As I’m coming to, I can tell it’s morning. Sunlight hits my face, and I’m waiting for the heavenly sound of beeping machines to tell me I’m in the hospital. To tell me we all made it. But to my horror, no. I’m in my room, and Jay is sleeping beside me. My friends are dead. They must be. [Because they were, in your dream?] And it’s all my fault. [Doesn't the killer get any of the blame?] Nilah comes into the room, freaking out because I’m freaking out, and I jolt. Nilah’s alive! Heather’s alive? [Are you asking me or telling me?] Jay and Nilah show me the date on the calendar. It’s not Saturday. It’s still Friday. So… I dreamed it? There’s no way. I felt Alpha’s icky hands on me. [Who's Alpha? We need an introduction before you toss his name out.]

I go to the bathroom for privacy, brave my reflection, and that’s when I see it. I’m wearing it – the t-shirt I escaped in. [Solid white with a crew neck.] My gut tells me this shitstorm has just begun.

Bitter Angel is a 55,000-word YA/Crossover novel that explores the scary Stranger Dangers of the clubbing world and the moral issues surrounding the what-ifs of a rewind. [If it was a rewind to a time before they went clubbing, I don't see how she has the shirt.] Lila’s friends are alive, now what? Is she going to let this happen to anyone else? [Anyone else? Her priority at this moment is not letting it happen to Nilah, Heather and herself. Are Nilah and Heather going to cancel the birthday celebration when Lila claims that they'll all be drugged, hogtied and naked before the night is out?] Hell no! [Exactly!] But she’ll cross that line at her own expense.

I have a Bachelor’s degree in Music Education from The Ohio State University, and recently returned to pursue a Bachelor’s degree in English. Known for being a girl with severe Peter Pan Syndrome: The College Years, I felt very qualified to write this novel. Bitter Angel is my third finished novel, and the first I am seeking publication for. I am currently working on my fourth. [These credits aren't needed, and the query is plenty long without them.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. At your request, I would be thrilled to send a completed manuscript of Lila’s story.

Sincerely,

[Author's note to EE: The title of this book comes from a discussion Lila has with herself after she is captured a final time by the antagonist. Feeling completely defeated, she says she was a failure as a human and will become a bitter angel after death.]


Notes

This needs to be shorter. Besides dumping the credits, I think you can do without the first paragraph. It's basically a bunch of synonyms for do-over.

The plot is described from Lila's POV until the "Bitter Angel is . . ." paragraph, where "I" changes to "she." To be consistent, start that paragraph:

My friends are alive, now what? Am I going to let this happen to anyone else? Hell no!

Or you can eliminate all the plot after the shitstorm sentence.

You can close the query with one paragraph from your own POV:

Bitter Angel is a 55,000-word YA/Crossover novel that explores the scary Stranger Dangers of the clubbing world and the moral issues surrounding the what-ifs of a rewind. Thank you for your time and consideration. At your request, I would be thrilled to send a completed manuscript of Lila’s story.

Film Noir Friday

Another double feature from Evil Editor's library of classic films.

New Beginning 932

“I lead a hard life,” the Castle Bard sighed.

“Hmm,” said the princess. Ordinarily, she would have responded more articulately, but she was in the middle of trying to twist her hair into a neat bun and was only half-succeeding. It was twisting, but it was not neat.

He looked at the back of her head reproachfully. “I slave for your father the king, I suffer for my art, I work myself to a shadow, and you only say ‘hmm’. Is that kind?”

The princess released her hair and took her hairpins out of her mouth. “Would you really say you slave?” she inquired. “I can’t quite imagine Father demanding that you work without pause. Slaves do work without pause, don’t they?”

“I didn’t say I am a slave, I said that I do slave,” the Bard corrected. “I think they pause sometimes, if only to eat.”

* * *

Ethel hit "pause" on the Tivo and pushed herself up from the sofa.

On the way to the kitchen to get another bag of chips, the Bard's words hit her. "Oh God," she thought, "I'm . . . I'm a slave to afternoon TV!"


Opening: Rachel.....Continuation: Anon.

Face-Lift 1003

Guess the Plot

Vampire Sharks versus Zombie Werewolves

1. His brilliant diplomatic coups have all but assured the president of a second term in office when it's learned that vampire sharks and zombie werewolves are about to invade the US. Can he recruit a moody, brooding teenager in time to save the day--and his administration?

2. For centuries the zombie werewolves and the vampire sharks have done nothing but bark and snap at each other from the water boundaries. But when a sorcerer bestows upon everyone the ability to breathe both air and water, war erupts!

3. It’s World War IV and the fight is between the ocean dwelling vampire sharks and the land owning zombie werewolves. Ming is next in a long line of werewolf diplomats sent to become chummy with the sharks.

4. The Jefferson High Sharks and the Lincoln High Zombies are finalists in the state football championships. But during separate closed practice sessions, the Jefferson players cross over and the Lincoln players are infected. Strangely, none of the fans finds the game any more violent than usual.

5. The hottest new video game is Vam-sharks VS. Werezoms and Kioko is about to make her play to become world champion...when she learns the game is actually happening on an alien planet and the losers will be exterminated. Will she throw the match to save the werezoms?

6. The war is all but over; the zombie werewolves don't seem to have a prayer...until they hit upon the expedient of never going in the water.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In his first term, President Denton has averted two wars and reinstated the space program, leading to America's first working base on the moon. With the November election only six months away, he's all but guaranteed four more years...but there's one problem.

Intelligence reports indicate that America is about to be invaded by vampire sharks and zombie werewolves. [Okay, I can buy zombie werewolves. I'm not sure if they're werewolves who were killed and then came back from the dead, or if they're zombies who prowl the countryside only when the moon is full, but either way I'm totally on board. Vampire sharks, on the other hand? I mean, sharks that aren't vampires want to bite your neck and drink your blood, right? But their mouths are so big that when they do, they bite off your whole head. And then they eat the rest of you. There's nothing left of you to turn into a vampire shark or even a regular vampire.] [Also, if you get attacked by a werewolf, you actually care whether it's a zombie werewolf or not. If it's a regular werewolf, you may become a werewolf, but you can lead a normal life except when the moon is full. If it's a zombie werewolf, it eats your brains, and your life sucks during all moon phases. Conversely, if you get attacked by a shark, you don't care whether it's a vampire shark or not, because it's gonna eat you either way. Even if you claim vampire sharks drink blood but don't eat their prey, regular sharks would smell the blood in the water and come and eat you. Thus I suggest changing the vampire sharks to vampire cows, which are at least somewhat believable.] [One more thing. The title makes it sound like the vampire sharks and zombie werewolves are fighting each other, but now you claim America is being invaded by both of them. So it should be Vampire Sharks and Zombie Werewolves Versus America.] [Can vampire sharks breathe air? If not, it would be hard to invade a country unless they have big fishbowl-shaped headgear full of salt water. And they'd need prosthetic legs.] [Or they could travel in the back of water-filled trucks driven by humans who are willing to betray their species in return for riches the sharks bring them from the Titanic and other shipwrecks.]

If this were any other threat, Denton could deal with it through diplomacy, drone strikes and/or strategic use of the armed forces. But after reading countless books and watching hours upon hours of movies, he knows the only weapon capable of undoing such a ridiculous plot is a seventeen-year-old girl. Denton has three daughters of his own, but July, his oldest, is only fifteen. He'll have to recruit a reluctant champion from among the people; however, such a champion would not likely join if she were recruited by a soldier, police officer, firefighter or government spy -- men who would be ideal if the target was a middle-aged woman. No, only a moody, brooding teen will do the trick. [End this paragraph at "...among the people." The rest is just a joke that isn't important to the plot description.]

Denton's opponent in the upcoming election, Governor Townsend, has a teenage son. A son who just returned from boot camp after a stint in juvenile hall. A [moody, brooding] son named Thad.

Will Denton use Thad -- that dreamy-eyed bastard [delinquent] -- to recruit a teen girl, ensuring his loss in the next election? [Not clear that this ensures his loss. Sure, the opponent's hoodlum kid played a minor role, but the seventeen-year-old girl does all the work. And Denton will claim all the credit.] Will project LOL, SMH work, whereby they dump the zombie werewolves in the ocean and let them and the vampire sharks "eat it out?" [Now I'm starting to wonder if this is even a real book. To dump them in the ocean requires them to capture them, at which point they can just gas or shoot or bomb them. That doesn't get rid of the vampire sharks, but neither does throwing the zombie werewolves in the ocean, assuming the sharks' home field advantage leads to a rout.] Will Denton figure out that he accidentally switched up his recently prescribed anti-psychotic meds with a bottle of anti-worm pills for the family dog? [What does that have to do with anything?]

Vampire Sharks versus Zombie Werewolves is an 82,000 word YA novel (unfortunately for Denton).

Sincerely,


Notes

Is the LOL SMH plan thought up by the seventeen-year-old girl? She seemed to disappear from the query before she was even recruited. This being a YA book she is presumably your main character. She needs a major role in the query and she doesn't even have a name.

If you have enough free time to compose this query, maybe you can find enough to write the book. It could be a winner if you make it a subtle satire on the YA genre.

Of course, the idea that a teen is the only weapon that can save the world may be funnier to readers of this blog than it is to an audience of teens. Maybe you have the wrong target audience.

New Beginning 931

"I’ve had some words of my father’s rolling around in my head for a while now that I can’t seem to get out of mind. Well, maybe that’s not exactly true, ‘cause I read them in a Chinese textbook about two years ago. While I may not have learned much Chinese, I do remember this: Wo renshi yi ge piaoliang de guniang; or, I know a pretty girl. In English it doesn’t sound that special, but whenever I find myself thinking those words I can’t help but feel a little bit different. It’s not that it’s any life changing difference or self-defining; I'm not looking to put any great importance on a line I read one time. For me, I always get a little smile out of it. The truth is, I do know a pretty girl. But I keep fucking it up with all the other pretty ones I know too."

Mr. Craven took a swig from the travel mug on his desk and looked blearily at all of us.

"Well?" he snapped. "Repeat it! Wo renshi yi ge piaoliang de guniang!"

Obediently I muttered it back with the rest of the terrified class. Man, ever since the budget cuts, these community college language programs were getting weirder and weirder.


Opening: Chris.....Continuation: sarahhawthorne

Face-Lift 1002

Guess the Plot

Hand of Chaos

1. After losing her left hand in a car crash, Dorothy has it replaced with a synthetic hand. She's thrilled--until the morning she wakes up with blood on her hands and her fingerprints show up at the crime scene.

2. God has been bored for some time, so every Wednesday he reaches into someone's life and creates massive chaos so he can watch in amusement as the poor bloke rushes around trying to put everything back together again.

3. When his brother is killed, Ethan seeks revenge by unleashing an army of zombies on the nation's Capital while a war between heaven and hell spills over into everyday life. If that ain't chaos, I don't know what is.

4. Aviator Craig Smith crashes in the middle of nowhere and stumbles upon the Hand of Chaos, a relic which gives him unlimited power to wreak destruction. At first he uses this power to fight evil, but soon it's just fun and games.

5. Vinny needs to drum up some rent money to pay back his loan shark. Hearing about a poker game, he joins, but it turns out they're using Tarot cards and his first hand is all these bad cards like the devil and death. Suddenly it isn't the rent Vinny is worried about.

6. Darnowa seeks the ancient Hand of Chaos, which will allow him to reclaim his throne and . . . oh, screw it. It's yet another generic YA fantasy.



Original Version

Evil Editor,

Anna Wei has issue. [Issues? An issue?] She's struggling to balance her demanding job with a social life that evaporates more every day. She has trouble maintaining any sort of commitment in her relationships, unable to even contemplate turning anything she has into a regular thing. [Never a good sign when a query includes an item from Evil Editor's list of the 5 most commonly used vague query phrases.

5. Mysterious stranger
4. Other stuff
3. On a journey of self-discovery
2. A regular thing
1. Nothing is as it seems]

In addition, she has trouble honing her skills to where they need to be if she wants to advance any further. The biggest problem of all? Anna works for the Government. Specifically, she works for the Government by hunting down rogue sorcerors, [sorcerers] mages, and mystical creatures using her own magical powers. [Combine those last two sentences into one.] Always fighting against the clock against gruesome and macabre forces, Anna and her small team is often all that stands between a crazed fanatic and an act of supernatural terrorism that could kill thousands. Whether it's opening the Gates of Hell or, worse, Heaven, [Heaven is worse than hell? A lot of pious people are gonna be pissed when they die and find this out.] there are always new threats and enemies Anna has to contend with and memories she would rather not have. [Whether you're an editor, a supernatural terror fighter, or a burger flipper, you hate your job.]

Her latest case is a tough one, too: a Necromancer who is waging a one-man war against the US Department of Defense. His name is Ethan Morgan, and he's on a mission. After his brother was killed by an experimental magical weapon in the middle east, [He was collateral damage when we sent David Copperfield over to make Syria vanish.] he's out to make everyone connected to it pay. [Everyone?] Everyone. Anna and her team have to find out what Ethan's endgame is, and stop it before he builds his own weapon, one that could set an undead horde against the nation's capital. [If you have an undead horde, you don't need a weapon to set them against the capital. Just truck them in and release them.] After turning a high-rise apartment building into a zombie-infested death trap, [If you really want to kill a lot of people, you should turn a building with a steady influx of people into a zombie-infested death trap. Like the Smithsonian or a movie theater. Once your zombies have killed everyone who lives in the apartment building, no one else is going to be coming along except maybe a couple Mormons. Whereas if they kill everyone at the seven o'clock movie, they get a new crowd of victims at nine o'clock.] his ambitions and crimes only get worse as he begins to attack CEOs of defense contractors, [Suddenly I'm starting to think Ethan is the hero.] unleash murderous Wraiths, and raise an army of the undead. Anna and her team try to track him as he moves through DC striking down anyone who gets in the way of his warped sense of justice. All the while, they have to contend with a hot-headed general whose squad of sanctified and blessed holy warriors think they can handle it on their own, despite failure after failure to contain him. Did I mention Anna also has a little bit of a drinking problem? [More importantly, should I mention it?]

Featuring a strong cast of characters, with romantic aspects for both the heroine Anna Wei in the form of the wise and powerful Dhampir Ayham [Anagram: Dharma Mayhem, a two-word description of the TV show Lost.] and for the villain Ethan Morgan in the manic but psychotic Acolyte Amy. [Is that the name she goes by? Acolyte Amy? Or is "acolyte" just one of the many words you've chosen to capitalize unnecessarily?] With a rogue's gallery of mages and agents blessed and cursed with different powers and abilities, Hand of Chaos blends the pace and tension of a counter-terrorism procedural with the occult trappings of classic dark fantasy. Action packed and gritty, Hand of Chaos introduces the reader to a fictional universe [Whoa! This is fictional?!] featuring a prominent war between Heaven and Hell, where Hell's Demons and Heaven's Angels attempt to influence the daily workings of the world. Sometimes they do so through cultural and social manipulation, other times through overt and covert violence. In addition to Heaven and Hell, there are a group of rogue Angels and Demons that broke away from God and Lucifer in an attempt to prevent either one from gaining the upper hand. [This angel/demon part sounds like a novel in itself.] Anna and her team, being agents of Chaos, [Is Chaos her team name? The term "agents of Chaos" is going to remind everyone of "agents of KAOS," namely Siegfried, the Claw, Ironhand, Bronzefinger, Leadside, Dr. Yes, Simon the Likeable, et al.] really just want to keep everything from getting worse. Easier said than done.

I am an unpublished writer who is trying to change that and leave my depressing day job working for the US Government. [Writing may be less depressing, but the government has a better benefits package.] Any feedback would be most appreciated.


Notes

This is way too long.

Based on the first six sentences, Anna could be a librarian in a tame romance novel. There's no hint that this is a plot starring rogue sorcerers, mystical creatures, gruesome and macabre forces, a crazed fanatic, a necromancer, defense contractors, murderous wraiths, an army of the undead, a hot-headed general, a squad of sanctified and blessed holy warriors, mages and agents, or angels and demons. As you'll be sending this to someone who is into fantastical creatures and violence, you don't want to risk the reader balling it up and tossing it at the nerf hoop just above the wastebasket before she even gets to the zombie deathtrap.

The first section can be condensed to: Anna Wei works for the government, using her magical powers to hunt down rogue sorcerers, mages, and mystical creatures. She and her small team are often all that stands between a crazed fanatic and an act of supernatural terrorism that could kill thousands.

Even better would be to change "works for the government" to "heads up the [insert cool-sounding name of her team]. If you don't have a cool-sounding name of her team, get one. If it's Chaos, change it, and not to CONTROL, UNCLE, THRUSH, or SPECTRE.


The second section is your plot. Possibly you tried to make it sound as chaotic as possible.

Her latest case is a tough one: a Necromancer waging a one-man war against the US Department of Defense. Ethan Morgan's brother was killed by an experimental magical weapon, and now he's out for revenge, attacking CEOs of defense contractors, unleashing murderous wraiths on Washington, and raising an army of the undead to strike down anyone who gets in the way of his warped sense of justice.


The final long section sounds too much like a promotional advertisement. Now that you've set up the situation, you could give us a hint of what Anna plans to do about it and what will happen if she fails. And finish by saying "Did I mention that a war between heaven and hell is also raging in D.C.?" That ups the chaos ante more than Anna's slight drinking problem. And a brief mention of the war is plenty. If you make a big deal of a war between heaven and hell, people will wonder why they should care about the Anna and Ethan "subplot."

Given that you capitalize necromancer, wraiths, angels, demons, government, gates of hell, etc. (presumably because they rate capitalization in the book), it's odd that the Middle East isn't capitalized.

The reader of the query will want the word count. And we want it too, so that the Too Short and Too Long Nazis will know which group needs to set you straight.

Film Noir Friday

Owing to a shortage of fake plots and continuations today and a projected shortage of initiative in the future, henceforth Fridays will be set aside for a weekly celebration of Film Noir. A chance to pop some corn, break out the Milk Duds, and relax in front of a double feature of classic films from the days when films were classic and came in double features.

Face-Lift 1001

Guess the Plot

Purgatory

1. In this, the second volume of my epic trilogy about adolescence, I move on to high school. Don't miss my first book about junior high, "Inferno," and my third book about college, "Paradise."

2. When his brother Joey dies, Clayton gets his girlfriend pregnant. The plan is for Joey's soul to wait in purgatory for nine months and then move into the baby.

3. A zombie's memoirs of the time between then and now.

4. When alternative medicine enthusiast Anna Manion opens up Purgatory, her new colonics salon, her first customer is the shy but handsome Max Maxwell. Love blossoms in the unlikeliest of settings.

5. An attention-starved, cross-dressing zombie yearns to be human again, but to purge himself of his curse, he must convince the local pastor to let him enter purgatory. Will he agree to give up his tutu and heels?

6. The devil is struggles to get out of hell and into purgatory. He hopes to atone for his sins and make it back to heaven. But Jezebel has other plans...


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When an armed robbery takes the life of six-year-old Joey Stockton and critically injures his older brother, Clayton. [Um...] He struggles to find meaning in life while continuing to deal with the absence of his father, who he lost earlier to cancer. [Ah, I get it. I was complaining about too-long sentences recently, and you didn't want me complaining about your too-long sentence, so you stuck a period in the middle of your too-long sentence, thinking that made it into two just-right sentences. Might have worked if you'd changed "and" to "it."] He is a self-proclaimed agnostic but struggles to find closure of his little brother’s ill-timed murder. [You've gone adjective crazy.
1. Pretty much anyone's religious beliefs are "self-proclaimed."
2. Of course Joey's his "little" brother. Joey was 6, and Clayton's already been described as the older brother.
3. As for "ill-timed," is the murder of a six-year-old kid ever not ill-timed? I hope no one would console the parent of a recently murdered child by saying, Hey, at least it was good timing.]

Clayton, only eighteen years old, succumbs to the early stages of depression caused by the loss of his brother and father. He turns to drugs and alcohol for immediate ecstasy but constantly longs for the bond his family once had. It isn’t until after piecing together unexplainable mysteries correlating with Joey’s afterlife, [What does that mean?] that he figures out the love he yearns for, [no comma] can be recreated with his girlfriend Brittney. [There's something wrong with an eighteen-year-old boy who hasn't long ago figured out that his girlfriend can provide the "love" he yearns for.] With Joey’s reincarnated soul needing a host, and Clayton and Brittney’s baby [Whoa. They have a baby?] needing a soul –the reincarnation system God relies on can detect the chemistry between the brothers, but lacking emotional ties, it bypasses the conflict of interest that could wreak havoc on humanity. [The system sounds soulless. Lemme see if I've got this straight. God set up a detection system that determines who gets which soul, and one wrong step by the system would wreak havoc on humanity, but the system has a massive glitch?]

PURGATORY is about two worlds secretly coexisting as one, and how the death of a child and his brother’s determination could finally solve life’s most notorious question – what really happens after we die? I would love to send you my YA/urban fantasy manuscript, PURGATORY, which is complete at 84,000 words. PURGATORY is a standalone novel with recommended series potential.

Sincerely,


Notes

You make it sound like the soul transfer works out because the reincarnation system lacks emotional ties. A better idea would be for Clayton to somehow beat the system in order to get his brother's soul into his child. As far as I can tell, Clayton doesn't do anything. He needs to actively participate in getting what he wants.

Does the reincarnation system take into account the fact that a lot more people are born than die? When the population of the planet was 100,000, were there seven billion other souls hanging around waiting for the day when the population would be seven billion? If not, and souls are provided by deaths, there aren't enough to go around.

Those who believe in the soul probably like to think their souls are amalgams of their parents' souls, not a metaphorical junker chosen by a computer from a used car lot in Albania.

Does Brittney mind that she had no input into her kid's soul? How will Clayton know whether the baby has Joey's soul? Is Clayton going to one day tell his child that he/she has Joey's soul?

The first half of the query sounds like literary fiction. Then it seems to become inspirational. Urban fantasy wasn't on my list. Unless . . . Is Brittney a demon hunter?

Face-Lift 1000!!

Guess the Plot

The Journal of Forgotten Secrets

1. Cesare, spy-for-hire, triple-crosses chefs to gain a dish which will win the big cook-off. When bacon roses give him amnesia, can he follow the recipes which are encoded as a series of love poems to his fifth-grade teacher? Also, a Borgia ring.

2. Preteen Megan LaCosta has literary ambitions and hypersensitive emotions. When she disappears, only her mother believes the truth is buried beneath the breathless prose of Megan's diary.

3. Denise's daughter's real father is... um, that guy, whatshisface. The principal of the local high school used to be a... well, something bad, anyway. In this book, much that was unknown would be revealed, if only the author could remember it.

4. A game of hide and seek leads to a game of life and death when Orion finds a journal that could break the codes to his mysterious past. Also, a master puppeteer.

5. Aiken thought it would be a good idea to write down all the secrets he was keeping from his wife in a journal. So he wouldn't forget them. It would also have been a good idea not to leave the journal on the dining room table.

6. When Elias discovers a journal kept by his late father, he assumes it'll be dullsville. Instead, it's an account of the old man's sexual exploits as a NYC gigolo. This is gonna fill a lot of those empty hours on nights when Elias can't get a date.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Three weeks ago, Orion knew he was going to avenge his father’s murder. Three days ago, he knew he was all that remained of the Martins family. Three hours ago, he knew he was the one doing the hunting. Three minutes from now, he'll discover just how wrong he’s been. [Two years ago this query was posted on the author's blog. 18 months ago it was posted at Absolute Write. A year ago it was posted at Query Shark. Soon after that it was linked to on a multitude of blogs. Today the author is represented by agent Suzie Townsend. Next year the book will be published.] [Once upon a time someone hit upon the idea of writing an entire query letter from the POV of the main character. An agent thought it was clever, the book sold, query letters started coming in from Scarlett O'Hara, Holden Caulfield, and The Little Engine that Could, and all agents began slapping instant rejection slips on such queries.] [Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or so said Charles Caleb Colton. But if you do something that's been done you have to do it better. In this query the connections between the events aren't clear enough to tell a story. The repetition of the word "knew" is enough to stress it without also italicizing it. Plus, I don't like he knew he would avenge his father's murder. "Vowed" to avenge it would make more sense. If his father is his only living relative, you'd think he would have known that, yet it takes another two and a half weeks to know he's the last Martins? I'd scrap the whole paragraph. The only specific is that his father was murdered. I'll admit I'm intrigued by what's going to happen in three minutes that changes everything, so let's read on.]

The world as Orion knows it comes crashing down when a game of hide-and-seek [turns into a bloodbath after an argument over whether olly olly oxen free or ollie ollie umphrey is the proper phrase with which to call back the players.] reveals family secrets that begin to shatter the barriers between the ordinary and the enchanted. The deeper he follows his ancestor’s [Which ancestor?] trail of deception, the further he is ensnared in a game of life and death [He was in a game of hide and seek one sentence ago. Now he's in a game of life and death? How old is he?] against a mysterious individual pulling strings like a master puppeteer. [This is all vague. What trail of deception? Who is the mysterious individual?] [If I had to be in a life and death battle with someone, I wouldn't mind my opponent being a puppeteer.]

It’s up to Orion to fulfill his destiny and uncover the enigmas of his legendary bloodline, placing the fate of two worlds in his young hands…if he can survive long enough to realize it. [More vagueness. What did the game of hide and seek have to do with anything? Where does the journal come in? You're supposed to be summarizing the story.]

THE ORION CHRONICLES: THE JOURNAL OF FORGOTTEN SECRETS is a young adult novel of 92,000 words. A marketing campaign is underway via Facebook, Twitter, and the website, ______________. [Isn't a bit early to be marketing a book for which you're seeking a publisher? Even after you find a publisher it could be a year or two before the book sees print.]

The only writings under my name are sports articles for the website, __________.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


[Author's note: The "Journal of Forgotten Secrets" part of the title - let's just say that good ol' Orion finds out that he's kinda/sorta been lied to his whole life and this infamous journal is the key to breaking the codes to his past.] [I made the assumption that The Chronicles of Orion was the title of the series, and The Journal of Forgotten Secrets was the first book in the series. Now I'm wondering if the whole thing is the title of this book. If so, I suggest rethinking that.]


Notes

While playing hide and seek, Orion stumbles upon a journal that contains secrets about his ancestors. But someone else wants the journal, someone who just killed Orion's father. Is that your plot? Those two sentences have more information than your entire query. Start over. A possible format might be this:

Paragraph 1: The setup. Who's your MC, what's his situation, what does he want? Paragraph 2: The stakes. What will happen if your MC fails to get what he wants? Who wants him to fail, and what is he doing to bring about the MC's failure?
Paragraph 3: The Plan: How is the MC planning to overcome his seemingly insurmountable odds?

Be specific. Once you have it down you can jazz it up if it needs a little spice.

Face-Lift 999

Guess the Plot

Judas Pistol

1. In a nation that seems to believe, irrationally, that guns somehow prevent violence, the Judas Pistol, a trick gun that shoots the person firing it, may be the only way to restore sanity.

2. I work 1st century; I’m a time cop. Centurions say Iscariot hanged himself--talk about your cold cases--but the discovery of a stash with thirty pieces of tarnished silver and six corroded cartridges tells me Judas was the victim of a ride-by camelback shooting.

3. Les and his assistant Gunz help historical societies with the investigation of old battle sites. Of course, investigating whether Judas was pistol whipped during the Roman-Persian wars isn't the greatest gig, so when some elderly lawmen ask the guys to investigate a more recent gunfight, they jump at the chance.

4. When a wealthy gun collector is found stabbed to death in the middle of his looted vault, Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's looking for a killer with a finely honed sense of irony, and there's no way in hell he's going to fire something called a "Judas Pistol."

5. When Carrie's vegetarian meet and greet is crashed by cannibals, she calls on her brother's garage band to help--only to find they've been abducted by a cult of treacherous time-traveling aliens. Also, a gun metaphor.

6. Archeologist Gary Davis is approached by a strange woman in Jerusalem, and soon learns her secret. She has a box, with a gun in it--the gun used to kill Jesus. Now the Vatican is after him, and he may need that gun.




Original Version
 
Dear agent,

JUDAS PISTOL is an 81,000-word amateur sleuth mystery set in the gun culture of 2001 Montana.

Les Huntsman returns from the Gulf War totally deaf, unable to continue teaching history. [Why would a history teacher need to be able to hear? Everyone in his class is asleep.] Instead, he competes in handgun tournaments to augment private investigations of old battle sites for historical societies and other clients--such as a committee of elderly lawmen, who provide helpers and point Les to a more recent gunfight investigation being mishandled by local police.

[Lawman 1: This investigation is being mishandled. We should step in.

Lawman 2: Us? But we're not as young as we used to be.

Lawman 3: True. Hey, that deaf guy in the handgun tournament looks pretty young.]


D’arcy is another former teacher with challenges. In a wheelchair, she runs a private communication service, including interpretation for the deaf. [I see where this is going. A team of superheroes. The deaf guy will call himself Vangoh. The woman is known as The Paraplegic.]

On loan to the pair is Gunz, a rookie deputy considered slow [Instead of Gunz, we'll call him Moose, an homage to the slow guy in Archie comics. Make that The Moose. We don't want to get sued.] and mostly a go-for at the sheriff’s office. The trio quickly clears two law-enforcement suspects who were also victims of the shooting, and the search for the real killer or killers begins amid multiple murders. [Brilliant. Before they begin searching for the real killers they clear the killers' victims? This team isn't going anywhere unless they can recruit Daredevil to be their leader.] [I wonder who decides which superhero is the leader. In the Fantastic Four, the leader is the guy who can stretch. I mean, come on! Stretching is his power? In the X-Men the leader is the guy in the wheelchair. Apparently the most pitiful superhero has to be the leader because no one else wants the job. That probably means the leader of the Justice League would be Aquaman or Green Arrow. But no! Someone asked that question on Yahoo Answers and the response chosen as best answer was: "as far as i know, superman is the leader of them because when you look at their pictures with the justice league, superman is always at the front with batman and wonderwoman in his sides...."] 

[Is there anything the Justice League can do that Superman couldn't do all by himself?

Superman: I'll take out that division of tanks and super robots; Green Arrow, you shoot that little guy on the left.

Aquaman: What about me?

Superman: You prepare the after-battle seafood buffet.]

Roots of the crime spree are exposed as dirty city officials and killers-for-hire to protect a small-town bank’s money-laundering scheme. [Not the clearest of sentences.] The killers harbor agendas of their own, [What are their agendas?] leading a chase along northern Montana’s border and central mountains. [Topic for discussion: Who is considered to be leading a chase: the one being chased or the chaser who's closest to the one being chased or the leader of the team doing the chasing?]

I’m a former English teacher with a bachelor of science from Eastern Montana College and a master and doctorate of arts from Idaho State University. I served in the U.S. Army, Montana National Guard, and National Rifle Association over fifty years as a firearms instructor. [In short, this is autobiographical, except that I taught English instead of history and I don't really have super powers.]

JUDAS PISTOL is my first novel, manuscript immediately available via e-mail or U.S. Postal Service mail at your request.

Sincerely,


Notes

Separately, a deaf guy, a stupid guy and a woman in a wheelchair can accomplish great things. Put them all together and they have as much chance of solving this case as the Keystone Cops.

For starters, it would be hard to choose a leader, as all of them have the required unimpressive powers:

Gunz: I shud be the leader cause she's in a wheelchair and yer deaf.

Les: What?


What happened to Vangoh, The Moose, and The Paraplegic? They disappeared from the query. Are they the ones chasing the killers across Montana? I'd try focusing the whole thing on Les. The others don't do anything in the query.

Some clarity about what's going on would help. You mention a gunfight in which apparently two people were killed, additional multiple murders, a money laundering bank, a crime spree, killers for hire... and it's up to the deaf guy, paraplegic and gofer to deal with all that?

Face-Lift 998

Guess the Plot

The Curse of Dreams

1. When you wake up you're back in your real life.

2. Running away from a bully, Tommy and Devon discover a portal to a world where people's dreams are stored in boxes. The curse part is that if you stay in this world you eventually can talk only in declarative sentences.

3. Mark is delighted when Ginny steps out of his dreams and into his arms. Soon all his dreams are coming true--including the one where he shows up at school naked and must write the answers to his midterms in Sanskrit.

4. Norm is watching Inception, when he falls asleep. He dreams that he is in a movie theatre and that Inception is playing and that he falls asleep and dreams that he is in a movie theatre watching Inception...

5. Apple Inc.’s PR woes are resolved when its Chinese sweatshop affiliate offers its workers a pay hike—but at what price? Around the clock work hours, and no dreaming of a better life. Li Mu Bai, barely awake, escapes this iPrison but the artificial lifeform iSteve is hot on her trail.

6. A sorcerer can place a gem beneath your pillow and capture your dream. Then by placing the gem under another person's pillow, that person has your dream. Presumably the sorcerer has figured out a way to use this for his personal gain while ignoring the fact that it's harmful or deadly to the original dreamer.


Original Version

Dear EE,

I, as an avid reader of your blog, would like to send you the synopsis of The Curse of Dreams, a 50,000 word middle-grade adventure/fantasy novel. [I'm treating this as a query letter, not a synopsis, as it has an opening, a closing, and ten sentences of plot in the middle. A synopsis would take us further into the story.]

When fourteen-year-old best friends Tommy and Devon sign up for the school’s yearly summer camp, they expect a carefree week of hiking in the forest, having fun with friends and singing around the campfire. [What is this, the 1950s? Summer camp is all computers these days.] Their excitement is a little lessened when they find out that their group’s leader is going to be Terrence, a senior who used to bully them during the past year; however, they decide not to let him ruin their summer. But when one of Terrence’s nasty pranks goes awry, Tommy ends up crawling into a strict cave-like passage [Strict? Is that a spelunking term?] and disappears. Coming back a few hours later – Terrence, afraid that Tommy fled on purpose and maybe he and Devon set him up, did not report him gone – he acts strangely, for instance, he refuses a hug from his crush. [I've heard the average length of a sentence in a piece of prose is about fifteen words. If this were a query by Salman Rushdie, I might expect a higher number, but you're querying a middle grade book. You might want to demonstrate you can write an occasional sentence that a middle grader can finish before he's in high school.] [My complaining about the length of sentences in no way suggests that I consider that last sentence to actually be a sentence.] Devon decides to investigate, and discovers the cave is actually a portal to another world; a world where people’s dreams and nightmares are kept, the first in ornate boxes on the shelves of an immense mansion, the latter lurking in a dark forest. [It's not that long sentences are bad, it's that varying your sentence length is good. You don't want the reader thinking, Whew, I finally made it through that sentence. I thought it would never end. I hope the next sentence is a short one so I can regroup. Maybe I'll peek ahead and see where the next period is. Holy shit! It's seven lines down! If this guy were on Twitter he'd NEVER finish a sentence. Dammit, now I've forgotten what the query's about; should I go back to the beginning, or just move on to the next query? That, self, is what's known as a rhetorical question.] Both Tommy and Devon have some fun peeking into their acquaintances’ dreams, then decide it’d be too risky to keep going back and forth, especially with Terrence continuously watching their every step. [I don't want to keep harping on the same dead horse, so let's talk about paragraphing. It's 2012. Attention spans are at an all-time low. I, personally, want to be able to read a complete chapter during a TV commercial break, with time left over to run to the kitchen for a large cookie. Which means if I open a book and see a paragraph that reaches all the way to the horizon, it goes back on the shelf, even if the only other book available is by James Patterson.] Devon breaks his promise not to go back, for he finds himself disturbed by the memory of a mysterious young girl walking around the mansion. [I would think a young girl wandering in the dark forest would be disturbing; the mansion is dreamland, where chocolate and ice cream are freely consumed without weight gain.] Though he does return to the camp, this second disappearance makes things really complicated for the boys, who now have to decide whether to investigate the matter further, or forget it. Tommy tries to leave it behind, but Devon wants to know more about the girl, who, unbeknowst [unbeknownst] to them, disappeared from their town more than a year before. But how did she end up there, [Possibly she crawled into the same cave-like passage.] and why she does never seem to have questions or wishes? [No one comes away from a conversation with a stranger thinking, Odd. She didn't seem to have questions or wishes.] For she only talks in declarative sentences. [That's the big finish? We simply must risk returning to this other world because there's a mysterious girl there who speaks only in declarative sentences? Consider changing the title to The Girl Who Spoke Only in Declarative Sentences. It sounds like a Philip K. Dick novel, his follow-up to The Man Whose Teeth Were All Exactly Alike.]

I am a young wannabe writer with a BA in Librarianship and a MA in Translation. I speak five languages and have been writing for my drawer for several years now. [I've been writing in my drawers for several years.]

Thank you,


Notes

We gotta have more excitement. Does the mysterious girl need rescuing? From what? Is there danger from people's nightmares? Does Terrence wear a goalie mask?

There's a lot of setup here. I can't be sure whether the main plot is the part involving Terrence or the part involving the mysterious girl, but I assume it's the latter. Thus, the setup can be reduced to: Trying to escape from a bully at summer camp, best friends Devon and Tommy enter a cave and emerge into a world where people's dreams and nightmares are stored.

Now you can move directly to Devon exploring the Mansion of Dreams and meeting a mysterious girl who seems perfectly normal--until he realizes that she speaks only in declarative sentences! Then you add a couple short paragraphs in which you tell us what happens, bringing out the most exciting parts, which may or may not include solving the fascinating mystery of why a girl never utters exclamatory, imperative or interrogative sentences.

I anxiously await your query for the sequel, The Boy Who Never Used Prepositions.

New Beginning 930

You are lying in your room on the planet, listening to the sounds outside your open bedroom window. There are the purring snakes trying to attract a mate, the bark of mohawk ducks as they leave the lake to eat the drifting seeds that have fallen from the trees, and the uneasy bells of the herd lizards in their pens. Tomorrow when the sun heats up their blood, they will be shipped to the slaughterhouse.

Most nights the sounds let you drift into a sound sleep, but tonight you look at the moonless sky and think about what is about to happen. It will open up new possibilities that will change your life. It will mean danger. But you will face those dangers because there is something you must do.

You get out of bed, tossing the sheet to an untidy pile. You walk to the bathroom and urinate. It takes an unusually long time, and it burns a little. You flush, turn and give me a look, but I keep writing, recording your every move. "What?" you say, sounding irritated. But deep inside, you know the truth: I wouldn't even be here if you hadn't accepted Google's new privacy policy.


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: anon.

Synopsis 30

Guess the Plot

Siren

1. Bee-baw, bee-baw, WOOoo, WOOoo, WOOoo, bee-baw, bee-baw, prrruh, prrruh, woop, woop, bee-baw.

2. Jenny’s every moment on the job is calculated to move her toward a detective’s gold shield. Then the good ol’ boys controlling the department steal the siren from her squad car. To every crime scene, she now arrives last, dooming her to a career guarding the evidence room.

3. Thanks to amnesia, Rina thinks she's a typical boring Canadian, when in fact she's an evil siren. When she starts a romantic relationship with a harpist, her memory returns and she heads for the Aeolian Islands to seek salvation by committing a double murder. Don't worry, it makes sense in the book.

4. When Brent Sound discovers the remains of a famous ghost ship crashed on the reefs near the Salvo lighthouse, he loots the wreckage and burns the evidence. Now he just has to deal with the wailing ghosts.

5. Twins Bill and Tina discover their grandfather's old air raid equipment, a mysterious stairway into the ground, and finally--a survival shelter! They can't wait to party. Only, why are there laser cannons? And what does this button do?

6. Dr. Rupert Brown is Siren. Professor of science by day, vanquisher of evil by night, quite possibly the only superhero who’s yet to catch a villain in his twenty years on the job. Something seems to be tipping them off.


Original Version

Info about the book:
Thank you for the consideration of my manuscript titled Siren. This story is in the paranormal/romance genre and has approximately 75,000 word count. Based in modern times Siren takes place from the Aeolian Islands to Canada. Because of the nature of the genre, Siren has multiple book potential. [Actually, any book in any genre has multiple book potential, unless all the characters are dead, the author is dead, and the galaxy in which the story is set has been destroyed.] [Even then, you can expect prequels if the book sold well.]

Synopsis:

Rina has no idea she is a murderer. She lives a boring and plain life after being diagnosed with amnesia. However, there is nothing ordinary about her because Rina is a siren. She is rescued among the survivors of a cruise ship accident in the Aeolian Islands. While distracted by her part in the destruction, one of her sisters attempts to kill her by pushing her off the cliff. [What cliff?] [It's never good when the cruise ship you're on is anywhere near a cliff.] [If she was found among the survivors, I assume she was in the water or on the beach, nowhere near a cliff.]

Rina is befriended by her hospital roommate, Sasha an outgoing and sweet girl, but grieving for the loss of her fiancé in the accident. Sasha takes care of Rina, brings her home to Canada, and teaches her basic living skills. [If you have amnesia to the extent you not only don't know who you are, but lack basic living skills, is a hospital going to release you? In the custody of a Canadian?] They bond and create a friendship that isolates them from anyone else.

While working and living in Canada, Rina struggles with her condition. She over examines every detail of her life looking for clues to her original identity. During the process she continually misses the fact that she has an effect on the humans. [Possibly because she's isolated from all humans except Sasha.] She has the ability to influence anyone with her voice, even heal the ill.

When she meets a local musician named Linx she discovers that she has a talent for singing and playing the harp. [She's influencing people, healing people, meeting people . . . In what way is she isolated?] By taking Rina to visit the children’s ward in the local hospital Linx teaches her to have compassion for mankind, she begins to fall for him. She holds back her emotions for Linx in fear. Fear for [of] disrupting the friendship she has with Sasha, fear that there is a husband out there looking for her, and fear because falling in love is just plain scary. [Also, fear that, by night, he is the supervillain known as The Lynx.]

When Rina finally finds the courage to begin a relationship with Linx, her reality hits, Rina remembers. She suddenly realises her previous fears pale in comparison to the truth. She is an evil siren.

Driven by guilt Rina finds herself heading back to the island, leaving the two people she ever loved behind. She is ready to kill her sisters as the beginning of a long journey to salvation. [I love you, Linx, and as soon as I finish committing double homicide I'll be ready to commit myself to you 100%.]

Upon arriving she is noticed by one of her sisters and is tricked into thinking it was the other sister that tried to kill her. [Are her sisters twins? Because a book featuring both a mix-up of twins and amnesia--two things that have happened far more often in books than in reality--is gonna be a hard sell.] Rina is taken by surprise again and her sister tries to throw her into the ocean. Rina is better prepared and clings to her arm before she could fall. The offending sister suddenly topples over Rina’s head, over the cliff and onto the rocks. [Is this the same cliff? If my sister tried to push me off a cliff to my death, no way am I going back and standing on the edge of that cliff or any cliff, with that sister, another sister, or anyone else.] The remaining sister, Acassia, saves Rina.

Acassia promises not the to hurt humans anymore and Rina lets her live. [Acassia promises? Rina's the one who's a murderer. She probably caused the cruise ship crash. Acassia just saved Rina. Acassia sounds like the only good sister.] They part ways and Rina heads home to Canada, preparing to lie to her friends about her true identity. [I think she should come clean. "You know that cruise ship crash that left you in the hospital and ruined your vacation, Sasha? Guilty. With an explanation.] With her regained knowledge she plans to use her powers to heal the ill and make up for her unforgivable actions as a siren. [Canada has free medical care. If she wants to heal the ill she should be in central Africa, not Saskatoon.]


Notes

I assume Rina was not a passenger on the cruise ship, as there would be records of who was aboard, and they would figure out her identity. On the other hand, if she wasn't on the ship, she might live somewhere near the Aeolian Islands, so if she's thinking there might be a husband somewhere looking for her, shouldn't she hang out there instead of going to Canada?

If you're gonna name Acassia, you may as well name the other sister, instead of calling her "the offending sister."

No one named Lynx plays a harp. Either change his name or change his instrument.

This isn't clear enough, and it's boring. Start with Rina's role in the cruise ship destruction. Did she do it for fun? Why did her sister try to push her to her death? Why does she set out to kill her sisters? If she's happy for the first time ever, why not stay in Canada? With some character motivation added, we might understand and care about Rina. But I doubt it; most readers of romance want the heroine to be more like Sasha than Rina. Someone they can like throughout the book, not just after she gives up her life of killing humans for sport and even postpones the romance until after she murders her sisters.

If Sasha were the main character, helping Rina recover, then dealing with the fact that Rina's an evil siren and helping her become a good siren . . .