Synopsis 17

Title:
Son of a Legend: The Sablestone, Volume Zero of the Everstar Saga [To be followed by the prequel, Volume Negative One: Son of a Bitch.]

Conleth is a gruff, roguish man who is universally known as The Son of Aerthir Everstar, a great hero of the bygone age. [I tend to think of the "bygone age" as when Beowulf was written, not one generation ago.] Conleth dislikes being known only as the son of his father [Is this guy based on Evil Junior?] and embarks on many "heroic" ventures in order to make a name for himself. With time, these ventures degrade into no more than mercenary work and tyrant-heckling. [Tyrants strike me as the type who don't take heckling well. That plus their access to torture squads may explain why I got zero hits when I Googled "tyrant heckling".] [By tomorrow I should be getting one hit.] Throughout it all, he is accompanied by Imbria, his childhood best friend. The story opens with the two of them completing a mission to dissuade a despotic lord from encroaching on the lands of other nobles. [The poor have Robin Hood fighting for them; the rich have Conleth the Gruff.] Afterward, they flee the country as outlaws and go to Anassia, where they will be safe.

Anassia’s King Zorren then summons them to a banquet in honor of Conleth and his father. At the banquet, Conleth nearly gets into a brawl with a noble named Lord Adarik, disturbing the banquet. [We're halfway into paragraph 2 and our main character finally does something: disturbs some diners. Have you considered writing a book about Aerthir Everstar?] Zorren punishes them by [It takes a lot of gall to punish someone for almost getting into a brawl at a banquet you were staging to honor him.] sending them on a perilous quest to find a beneficent talisman called the Sablestone. Conleth and Imbria find themselves at odds with Adarik, who constantly makes a fool of himself. In the city of Pali, the halfway mark of their journey, Conleth is reunited with his fiancée, Queen Shonda. This causes tension with Imbria, who feels that Conleth mistrusted her by not telling her of the engagement and abandons him. [Imbria's a woman? What else haven't you told us? Is Adarik a chimpanzee?] [Actually, I recommend making Adarik a chimpanzee.]

When Conleth arrives at the mountain pass leading to the stone’s location, Conleth is attacked by two demons. [You got something against pronouns?] After holding his own for a while, he is mysteriously helped by none other than Imbria, who [conveniently] never really left. Once they reach the stone’s resting place, [Resting place usually means grave or cemetery.] all is revealed. Conleth and Imbria were deceived. Adarik is actually a clever sorcerer in Zorren’s service and the Sablestone is in reality a giant dragon egg which he intends to use in a war against Shonda’s empire. [What's he gonna do, egg her castle?] Conleth, Imbria, and some ragtag tribesmen are then engaged in battle against Adarik, his apprentice, Joannavitch [(AKA Janet Evanovitch)], and Zorren's army. They are assisted at the last moment by Queen Shonda, who [conveniently] suspected such treachery. After defeating Adarik [and an entire army], Conleth and the group marches [march] back to Anassia and ousts [oust] King Zorren. [They just march in and oust a king? Oh, right, they've already destroyed the king's army.] As the story ends, Conleth, finally at peace with his father’s legacy, marries Shonda. [No, no, he has to marry Imbria. Trust me.] Just before settling down, he, with help from Imbria, [a mysterious stranger named] Tafar, Shonda, and a mysterious stranger named Gabriel, organize a fraternity called the Knights Telessar to carry on the legacy of Aerthir Everstar.


Notes

It's a little strange to have mysterious strangers show up on the last page. It's like you're watching The Wizard of Oz and at the end the exposed fraud wizard has just given the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion their diploma, testimonial and medal, and Dorothy asks for a ride home and the Wizard says, "I'll get to you in a minute, but first I'd like to present Claude the Mannequin with this inscribed pair of tweezers," and you're thinking, Who?

Synopses tend to be boring, but this feels too much like a list of stuff that happens. It would be more interesting if it felt like a story.

For some reason I find the name Conleth annoying. Possibly because it sounds like a normal name being spoken by someone with two speech impediments. I challenge the minions to come up with better names for all of your characters.

Cartoon 429

Caption: Evil Editor

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New Beginning 663

Hadde ignored the bitter wind that swept the Great Forest as she scanned the column of raiders passing through the trees ahead. Stronger than the smell of fallen leaves and earth, she could smell their filth and sweat. She smelled something else as well. The scent of rot. The scent of death.

Fifteen of the raiders wore the bright tunics of Kiremi nomads, although they only had four horses, and those half-starved. The Kiremi themselves didn’t look much better. They seemed weary and defeated, not like the last time they had stormed her village. The Wasting is as bad on the plains as it is in the forest, Hadde thought.

Five strangers marched with the Kiremi. Unlike the nomads, they wore bear-skull masks and padded leather aketons and carried javelins and axes instead of bows and sabres. Their long fur cloaks and heavily bearded faces made them look like huge bear-beasts. They looked fiercer than any people she had ever seen. And there was no sense of defeat in the way they carried themselves.

Not only did the Kiremi bring allies, they also brought a captive. She recognized Geros, a young hunter from Fallingbrook. His hands were tied behind his back and his mouth was gagged. Two Kiremi walked beside him. One held a rope tied around his neck.

“The Kiremi are back,” Hadde said as Belor and Calen joined her behind the fallen tree hiding her from view. “They have Geros.”

Belor stood, dropped his axe and waved his hands in the air. "That's it, I'm outta here."

"What are you doing?" Hadde whispered angrily. "Don't screw this up!"

"Sorry, I can't be a part of this. It just doesn't feel right."

"What are you talking about? We evoke the senses, we describe the situation and the scenery, we have military strategy coming into play--"

"Yeah, but . . .don't make me say it."

"Just say it already!"

"Fine . . . this reminds me of Eragon. Oh God, I didn't want to hurt you. Forget I said anything."

"You bastard. You cruel fucking bastard."


Opening: Matt Heppe.....Continuation: Matthew

Cartoon 428

Caption: Stacy/anon.

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Face-Lift 655

Guess the Plot

Nother World

1. Whenever some pipsqueak race discovers radio communication, Zack's job is to exterminate them. Otherwise in a few million years the Nargons' TV reception will go straight to hell. Zack backs his truck into orbit over the little blue planet and thinks, Nother world, nother dollar as he releases the gas.

2. Kidnapped during the night by an old man, Annie Watkins is taken to a world where leaves are the size of minivans. Her greatest fear is that the old man has brought her here to do the raking. Or that a bird the size of a building will think she's a worm. It's just a nother day in . . . Nother World.

3. Theft of the letter 'a' has crippled the land of Literaria. With Wordmn, Cptin Book and quwomn out of commission, it's up to the mysterious superhero known as Bibliophile to save the day.

4. The Zap! Splat! computer game is actually a test of speed and cunning designed to identify the team of hotshots who will guard the InterGalaxic ship from hostile aliens. The winners are all in fifth grade so General Benson sends along their geeky teacher, unaware he is actually a spy from Planet Xi93j, where everyone's last name is Nother.

5. Socialite Marilyn Rose Hathaway becomes homeless and reduced to only a fraction of her income when her husband is arrested and convicted of securities fraud. With nowhere to go she just takes off. Her car breaks down in the Appalachians, complete strangers take her in and she falls in love with the rustic sanctity of a whole . . . Nother World.

6. English major Bob Nother realizes his work of literary genius -- Meditations on a Drippy Faucet -- is too good to ever sell. He pens an idiotic screenplay for revenge, starring himself as a mad dentist who takes over the world using a ham radio and trained vultures. Incredibly, Disney picks it up and brings Bob to Hollywood, where he becomes the toast of the town.



Original Version

Annie Watkins is melancholy on the eve of her thirteenth birthday. The impending phone call from her estranged father has her so upset that she wants to disappear for a day. Her mom is no help in the matter, with her constantly cheery demeanor. [Nothing is more annoying than someone who's constantly cheery. We can only comfort ourselves in the knowledge that such people, deep inside, are miserable.] Little does Annie know, that one simple wish to vanish will come true in a terrifying way. In the middle of the night she's kidnapped by an old man and taken to a strange world that shouldn't exist. [Leave out the mom sentence, creating better transition between the surrounding sentences.]

Kendee Woode doesn't mean to cause her trouble, but the human girl holds the key that will lead him to a magical charm. It must be found to keep the Faeries safe from the Fyre King and keep the two worlds separated. [Faeries again? That's three times in three days. Projecting the frequency of Fairie stories in our small sampling over the entire field of fantasy writers, I estimate that the average agent will get about 7000 Faerie stories this week. It's the perfect time to submit that vampire novel no one wanted last week.] Kendee is devastated by his own daughter's disappearance and a horrible betrayal, but he tries earnestly to help Annie adjust to her surroundings regardless of his own trepidations. [She has the key, he has her. Get the magical charm and send her packing. Helping her adjust to Nother World is a waste of valuable time.] In a world where the hawks are as big as buildings [, sharks are the size of cities,] and the leaves are the size of mini-vans, she fears she'll never survive.

At the same time, Kanne Woode unwillingly takes Annie's place among the humans. Creating chaos while she fumbles along feeling like a giant, her ignorance leads her to Sheriff Walker and his jail. With plenty of time on her hands to think, she realizes that maybe she was a fool and the Fyre King doesn't love her at all; why would he ask her to betray her family and poison her King?

[Fyre King: I love you, Kanne; as soon as you betray your family and assassinate your king I shall destroy the Faerie world and--

Kanne: You love me?!!]

After the final battle in Nother World, [Who's battled whom? I don't remember anything about a war.] Annie meets the only Winde Faerie that exists. The only trouble with that is, she died in the battle and that's how they meet. [Whattaya mean, that's how they meet? The Winde Faerie died in the battle, and Annie met her after the battle? Apparently being dead in Nother World is a lot like being alive.] She faces a choice with big consequences; her life as she knew it, or the lives of her new friends. Kendee treated her like she was a daughter to him, minus that whole kidnapping thing. [Okay, okay, I'm a kidnapper. It's not like I'm a serial killer.] It's a feeling she wanted to have with her own father, given the chance.

'Nother World' is the first of an upper middle grade fantasy series of four novels. It has a completed word count of 54,000. I have also completed the next two in the series. [I call them Yet Nother World and Even Nother World, and I'll soon begin work on Christ, Not Nother World.]


Notes

I'm not crazy about "Nother World" as the name of this place.

I don't have a clear grasp of the exchange. If a human went to the Faerie world, I would expect her to feel like a giant (as in Gulliver in Lilliput), and if a Faerie went to the human world I would expect her to feel like a bug. Instead it's the other way around. Which means Annie shrinks to Faerie size and Kanne grows to human size when they trade worlds, right? Or do they just inhabit each other's bodies?

What happened with the key and the lucky charm? Does Kendee get the charm? Getting the charm is the main point, and you drop it like a burning snake.

There's too much information that's not important to the main plot, which is: Annie is kidnapped and learns she holds the key to saving the Faerie race. What does she have to do? Why does she have the key? What are the obstacles? Don't tell me she just turns over the "key" and Kendee does all the work. Annie's your star. Focus the camera on her.

If Kanne and the Wind Faerie have nothing to do with saving Faerie, we don't need them. If they do, make it clear how.

Cartoon 427

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 662 (prologue)

The echoing roar in the chamber died down soon after the final matter of the day was judged. The Mytholos Council ruled that King Lamansa must remove magic from all of the Faeries for eternity. The world had indeed become a place of chaos, and the council was taking proper steps to protect all the master creatures of earth and keep them separate from each other. The King knew the grand conclusion they arrived at was best for all, human and mythos alike, but they would not win this smaller matter as well, he refused. They were insane to think he would give up the power of his race so freely.

He vanished from the chamber to escape the murmurs and glances of the other members, then reappeared, hovering over the Flowerling Fields near his tree. There were no fond goodbyes to say to the council anyway. The petals of the flowers that bathed in the dawn were just beginning to open. He looked down and saw a new Faerie, eyes closed, laying in the shadowy bowl of a black Tulip. What would become of this helpless creature if it had no power to protect itself? He knew in that moment what he would do. He scooped up the newborn and flew away from the field to search out the humans. He would hide the magic where it could never be found.

He slipped into the first house he saw through the partially open window and waited. He knew what he was looking for and he also knew it would take some time to discover that special place in the world of men. The family came and went, acting out family drama with irritating commonality, but the king would not give up. Finally, on the third day of his vigil, the one they called 'Ma' went to the kitchen, yanked open an overstuffed drawer, and desperately ruffled through it, yelling, "I swear I put it in here!"

The faerie king flitted in and placed the enchanted sleeping baby in a thimble. He smiled with satisfaction, knowing that magic would be safe forever, for nothing was ever found in that black hole of every human household: the junk drawer.


Opening: Aimee.....Continuation: Vivian Whetham

Cartoon 427

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 654

Guess the Plot

Chasing the Goddess

1. Lady Cynthia Whitmore is the only person who can free the goddess of night from the orb in which she's been imprisoned for a thousand years. But the god of day wants the goddess in the orb, and he's willing to smite Cynthia to stop her.

2. Born into a long line of deities, trainee Goddess Tracey decides that a life of unknowableness and smiting isn't for her. She runs away to follow her dream of becoming a writer, pursued by an assortment of gods, demi-gods, demons, imps, pixies and other supernatural beings sent by the junior God School to bring her back.

3. When the Midvale Book Club and Wiccan Circle miss a syllable in their incantation to the earth mother, the ladies reach the wrong deity and accidentally set loose Shiva, goddess of destruction. Can they appease the goddess before she smites them all?

4. Unaware of the true cause of Harvey Widget's disappearance, his girlfriend Pruddy Jones follows a trail of clues that will ultimately lead her to the supernatural lair of Machina, goddess of the Roboti, a sect of engineers "destined" to replace all humans with unbreakable mechanical puppets. Will Pruddy be their next victim?

5. Former veterinarian Waldo Sullivan discovers the true reason dogs chase cars: religion. Automobiles have all the qualities the ancient Prophecy told canines to expect in the Chosen One, the goddess who would liberate them. But no one takes Waldo seriously. Not even Maddy, the most sympathetic nurse at the asylum.

6. Tired of dating losers Ares and Hephaestus, Aphrodite decides to try her luck on a multi-myth version of The Bachelorette. Will Odin hang himself after she refuses his proposal? Will she sleep with Gilgamesh?



Original Version

(Proper Salutation):

Lady Cynthia Whitmore touched a goddess when she was eleven years old. To Cynthia it was just a pretty orb, but by picking it up, she became the goddess of night’s chosen to free her from the orb, restore her kingdom and to free her people from a curse. [You've lost me. What exactly did she become by picking up the orb? Is there a word missing after "night's," something like "savior" or "lackey"?] [Once Cynthia frees the goddess of night from the orb, why can't the goddess restore her own kingdom and free her people from the curse? Surely she's better equipped to handle this than Cynthia.] But the god of day struggled to capture her and will smite anyone to keep the goddess encased in the tiny prison. [What does the god of day gain by having the goddess of night in an orb? Is it always daytime as long as she's imprisoned?] [Also, smite? Who says smite these days? We do say smitten, but smite and smote are out. Smut, of course, is always in.]

For a thousand years, the goddess’s followers and the fay have waited for Cynthia and watched over her after she found the orb. No one bothered to tell Cynthia of her fate until she was twenty-three. [No one bothered? That makes it sound like there was no reason not to tell her, they just kept letting it slide . . . for twelve years. They wait a thousand years for Cynthia to come along, and then they can't be bothered to tell her who she is?

Fay 1: At last we have the power to free our goddess.

Fay 2: Hey, she's been in the orb a thousand years; another decade won't kill her.]

She discovers that, Marcan, her childhood tutor and current guardian is a fay. Anthony, her mentor at the university is a follower of the goddess [When your mentor at the university tells you he's a follower of a goddess who has been imprisoned in an orb for a thousand years, it's time to slowly back out of the room. And the university.] and Irial, his best friend is another fay who has been watching her from the shadows.

If those secrets were not enough, Cynthia learns of the curse that has plagued Anthony for centuries. A curse that makes him long for her blood, [How can he have been plagued for centuries by a curse that makes him long for Cynthia's blood, when she's only 23?] [What do you mean, "makes him long for her blood"? Does he want to drink it?] made worse by the fact that he’s fallen in love with her. [In the early weeks of a relationship it's always a bit awkward informing your sweetie that you long to drink her blood.] He’s not the only one for Irial has also come to love her in the years he’s been watching her. [They're both smitten.] [It's creepy enough when a fifty-year-old guy chases after a 23-year-old; these guys are centuries old and trying to hook up with one. Aren't there any immortal fay women available?] Marcan worries about keeping the peace between them until they fulfill their mission.

All three men must wrestle with these issues while ensuring Cynthia makes it safely to the goddess’ temple in order to free her. The god of day is on their trail to stop them either by killing Cynthia or taking back the orb. [They've had the power to free the goddess for twelve years. It's their own fault if the god of day stops them now.]

My fantasy novel, Chasing the Goddess, is complete at 118,000 words. This is the first of a trilogy, but can stand on its own.

I have a Masters in Library Science and currently work in an academic library.

Thank you for your time.

Thanks,


Notes

Is the orb in the temple? Does the god of day know where the temple is? Why didn't he just go get the orb years (or centuries) ago?

Can't we give the god of day and the goddess of night names? When you read stories about Greek and Norse gods they go by their names, not what they're gods of.

It's almost all setup. The plot, which you gloss over in two sentences, is that Cynthia has a mission to free the goddess, Someone wants to stop her while others want to help her. And if she fails . . . What? What will change once the goddess is free? The world has gotten along without her for a thousand years. Now suddenly she must be released from the orb? Maybe we're better off with the goddess in the orb. Did you ever think of that?

Where does the chasing come in? The goddess is in the orb. The orb is in the temple. It's not like she's on the run.

Start over, give us three sentences of setup and six about the mission and the stakes, and make sure all your sentences are clear.

Friday, July 17, 8:00 PM eastern, 5:00 PM Pacific, MGM-HD Network, Woody Allen's Sleeper, with a great orb scene.

Cartoon 426

Saturday Film Series

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New Beginning 661 (short story)

Waking in strange places with a mouth full of cotton and drummers playing in my head isn’t as unusual for me as it might be for some, so at first I wasn’t alarmed at all. Not having a woman beside me and still having pants on, now those things were a little out of the ordinary. I barely started putting my fuzzy brain to work on figuring out where the hell I was and how I got there when the answer arrived. With a screech of rusted hinges, a door was violently ripped open and bright light assaulted my eyes. Lifting my hand to shield them was just an innocent reflex, but the person who grabbed me by the neck and tossed me on my face seemed to disagree. I lay there with my cheek pressed against cold metal and a knee in the middle of my back threatening to crush the life out of me one kidney at a time and I knew it was time to get just a little bit concerned.

That was also all I knew, at least about anything that had happened since I walked out the door on what may or may not have been the day before. Before this one, that is, this one where hands were groping all over my body in a much rougher fashion than I generally preferred. Those doing so were strangely silent as they abused my person and my dignity. I tried to get a good look at them, figure out who I was dealing with, but the hand holding my head firmly to the ground made it a chore to catch more than a general impression of black armored suits.

A rough hand pulled my head back and forced my jaw open; then stars flashed as unbearable pain ripped through my head, instantly clearing my mind. That's when I remembered phoning the emergency number of Mercenary Endodontist.

Just as well I still had my pants.


Opening: anon......Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 425

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 653

Guess the Plot

Chicken Shed

1. Burned out after twenty years of white collar work, a yuppie quits his job and moves to a farm in Wales, where he finds peace and takes up a new hobby: torturing and slaughtering people in his . . . Chicken Shed.

2. Jenny and Mike decide to quit the corporate jungle and go completely off-grid in suburban California. Everything seems to be going along smoothly--until the baby chicks they bought to give them eggs turn out to all be roosters. Now no one in the neighborhood dares turn on the light to use the bathroom.

3. Three brothers end up behind enemy lines in France. Beautiful Marie LaFarge tells them the only way they can survive is to hide in her chicken shed until the war ends, but things go from strange to surreal as they slowly lose their minds and grow wings and feathers.

4. As WWIII grinds on and a syndicate of diabolical robots rule the world, five resistance members inhabit a maze of caves in Missouri, code-named Chicken Shed. They create an idyllic tribal culture complete with music, dance, moonshine, and one mad dream for which they will soon risk everything.

5. Uncle Frank's place is cool - wicked cool -- and 8-year-old Winston thinks the noises and lights he sees late at night coming from the chicken shed are the coolest thing of all . . . until one night, he sneaks out and discovers Uncle Frank's latest invention.

6. The chickens in the shed have always been violent and clever. Paula would have gotten rid of them long ago if she didn't need their eggs. But now her two-year-old son has wandered into the shed. Can Paula outwit these monstrous birds to save him?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

CHICKEN SHED is a completed 100,000 word novel about a nameless ex-hedge fund manager who, thanks to the credit-crunch, has found himself at a loose end after working brutally long hours for twenty years amassing tremendous quantities of money in the City of London. [Even us Americans know London's a city.] To pass the time in his now empty life, he changes his identity, [He was already nameless; why does he have to change?] moves to a farm in [Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,] Wales and takes to kidnapping, torturing and finally slaughtering the men who, as teenagers at the school that he attended in the 1970s, tormented and humiliated him. [He does this "to pass the time"? Are his victims in Wales or is he going elsewhere to get them? Did he grow up in Wales? This guy sounds familiar. Except for the slaughtering part. I think.]

Realising that the police never look too hard when a middle aged man disappears – especially if money is occasionally withdrawn from his bank account and there’s a sighting or two of someone who looks a bit like him somewhere in the country –

[Cop: Seen this guy? He's been missing a week.
Man: I saw someone who looked a bit like him in Penbontrhydyfothau a few days ago.
Cop: Okay, guess we can stop looking.]

he is able to ply his gory new trade undisturbed against the backdrop of the beautiful Welsh countryside for several years. [Never underestimate the value of an alluring landscape when you're engaged in slaughtering people.] His victims are captured, and then dispatched, [Gotta admire the British talent for tactful understatement. A crass American author would have said massacred or butchered or mutilated.] with the style, single-minded dedication and lavish supply of surgical equipment only someone with his experience, wealth and mental health issues can muster.

His run of luck is finally disturbed when his latest victim turns out to be a drug dealer actively being investigated by the police. [They really should consider putting your case in the inactive investigations pile once you've been slaughtered.] Although the North Yorkshire force, from under whose nose the man is captured, fail to follow the clues, a sharp eyed and persistent Welsh detective named [Gwarthegydd] Jones picks up the case and [Spoiler alert.] eventually gets his man. In a final plot twist, Jones also uncovers a deeper motive to the gruesome crime he has just solved.

The darkest scenes, as well as the climax, take place in the Chicken Shed of the title - a battery [-operated] chicken farm shed converted from the mass production of low quality meat to bespoke tailoring of high quality pain and suffering. [Remove "and suffering" if you're going for two phrases with similar cadence. A less-unwieldy way would be: from fowl butchery to foul butchery."] [Also, you might change "bespoke" to "custom" if you send this query to the uncivilized world.] Written mostly in the first person present tense, the protagonist gives his thoughts on everything from the architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright [A genius that Frank Lloyd Wrrright guy may have been, but I'd like to see him design a better chicken shed than my own.] to be [the] best way to prepare deep fried tarantula. [Drop tarantula into deep fryer. Fry until it stops screaming. Mwynhewch eich bwyd!]

[Other Useful Welsh Phrases:

I don't understand.................. Dw i ddim yn deall
Speak more slowly.................. Siardwch yn arafach
Say that again......................... Dywedwch hynny unwaith eto
Write it down.......................... Wnewch chi ysgrifennu hynna
My hovercraft is full of eels.... Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn o lyswennod.]

Thank you for considering my query.

Yours faithfully,


Notes

This was an episode of Criminal Minds, except your serial killer isn't a quadriplegic.

This is like Dexter, except your serial killer is the bad guy.

Better title: The Silence of the Hens

Well-written, and you can't go wrong with a creative serial killer. It's a little long. You can afford to lose the first sentence of paragraph 2, tacking the second onto paragraph one. And you can afford to lose "To pass the time in his now empty life," as he is doing this for revenge and for the unrevealed deeper motive, not just to kill time.

Cartoon 424

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 652

Guess the Plot

Angel Undercover

1. She looks like the trashiest tart ever to walk the streets of El Paso, but she's actually St. Ursula, dragonslayer, and she's on a mission to capture El Creepo, scourge of Mexico, and deliver him to his well-earned firey fate.

2. Archangels Michael and Gabriel surprise Beelzebub, catching him between the sheets with a chorus of Cherubs in this shocking expose of sex trafficking between Heaven and Hell. It will make you think twice about kneeling when you pray.

3. Kidnapped by a mythological creature, shy, sweet Paige soon finds herself embroiled in political intrigue in the land of Iphesia. When a villain makes off with the Pelt of Tamair, Paige goes undercover to chase him down. Thus begins the adventure of a lifetime.

4. As Aunt Patsy's limo pulls up to the curb at the Miami Airport to collect her niece, Angel, from the chaos at arrivals, it is all too clear the poor girl has grown into a teenage recluse. What's with the three coats and five knit caps? Is that really Angel underneath all that?

5. As the blizzard of the century chills dark Twilby cottage, manly Hugh Buxton stokes the fire, bakes muffins, and finally takes refuge between the sheets, only to discover an angel has beat him to his refuge. Can he convince this apparition to cozy up and share? Or does divine intervention mean he's at the bitter end?

6. A mix-up in Heaven's bureaucracy sends a guiltless soul to the fiery pit. When Hellish officials deny all knowledge, it's up to the youngest of the Divine Special Forces Unit to don horns and tail, and risk her soul to save one.


Original Version

What's a fourteen-year-old to do when her city is in chaos, a creature out of myth kidnaps her, her own beloved sister may be the villain, and she's too shy to open her mouth to stop it all, despite her burning desire to do so? [I don't see how a fourteen-year-old opening her mouth is going to have any effect on her city being in chaos or on a creature kidnapping her. It's not like anyone listens to teenagers.] [You can drop this paragraph; it's all in the next paragraph.]

Shy dreamer Paige Moss, an ordinary girl from the violence-rocked city of Crossroads, is kidnapped by a supposed myth that turns out to be all too real. To her great relief, when the kyter brings her to its colony, her missing older sister is there waiting for her. Paige is immediately exposed to a whole new version of the world she thought she lived in, complete with magic, myth, and a cast of characters that act so human, they're actually related. [Related to humans? I can act just like a duck, but that doesn't mean I'm related to ducks.]

But Quinault Colony has problems of its own. A typically peaceful community [that only occasionally sends out creatures to kidnap girls], it finds itself gearing up for battle, with Paige's sister as its commander and her home nation Iphesia as its contender. Paige must wade through the layers of intrigue and outright lies in order to find who's at fault, if anyone. When she finally makes her discovery, the villainous Maisen takes her for the ride of her life, teaching her lesson after painful lesson and ultimately leaves her stranded to die. [Very general. Who is the villainous Maisen? Where does he take her? Who's battling, and why?]

When Paige's friends finally see her distress signal and rescue her, [What are her friends doing here? Were they kidnapped by kyters too? Or did the kyter just take Paige a few blocks?] the whole story comes out and they convince the council of Maisen's wrongdoings, but not before he escapes, stealing the selk pelt of Tamair, one of Paige's friends. [I don't even know what a silk pelt is, much less a selk pelt, but I say let him keep the thing and good riddance.] After her sister is dismissed from the colony, Paige and Tamair bear twin burdens of lost homes and loved ones out of reach. Together with their friends, they choose action over inaction and go on an adventure to prevent Maisen's treachery from hurting anyone else.

Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by rogue kyters! [Anagram: Turkey ogres. It would help us get a visual image of your mythological creatures if they were turkey ogres instead of rogue kyters. We have no idea what a kyter looks like but we can mentally combine a turkey and an ogre. Consider describing the kyter (a simple description like "dragon-like" or "troll-like" will do) or going with turkey ogres, which look like this:










Also, exclamation points should be used in queries only after something totally unexpected. We expect rogue kyters to destroy cities. Reserve the exclamation point for sentences like: Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by Julio Iglesias!] Paige summons all her willpower to conquer her shyness and convince the kyter colony to help her protect her own precious home city. There, [Where?] she is reunited with her sister and it is not long before all of them are faced with the biggest battle of their lives.

Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 100,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.

Kind Regards,


Notes

Paige and her sister are from Iphesia, and Sis is about to lead Quinault Colony into battle against Iphesia? Why would the Colony trust someone from the enemy to lead them? Why is Paige trying to convince the Colony to protect her precious city? From whom? Themselves? Iphesia? Maybe I need the geography and politics cleared up.

This is too long and it's unclear what the main plot is. If it's Maisen vs. Paige, focus on Maisen, who he is, what he wants, what happens if he gets it. If it's Colony vs. Iphesia, focus on what their issues are, in which case maybe Maisen is just a subplot and we don't need him in the query. Stick with the main plot and be specific. Right now I find it pretty confusing.

New Beginning 660

Dorian probably should be upset, at the fact he was hanging a good twenty feet off the ground, suspended in a large net of chains along with his brother and Raurk, but he felt nothing. Dangling high above the ground with only the creaking bough of an old oak tree to support their weight should cause at least alarm, Dorian thought. Certainly something besides the same numbness he had always felt, well not always. There had been a time when things matter, a time when things affected him. Now everything he did seemed rather pointless. He feebly tried to tug on the chain biting into his ankle because it seemed like what he should do, not because he really thought he could break the chain or even lessen its hold on him. Sighing inwardly he gave up after only a few minutes and looked at his companions to see if they were faring any better than he.

No, they were no closer to freeing themselves--though they were clearly more bothered than Dorian by their predicament, shooting reproachful glances his way and even muttering the occasional "Tut."

He could expect no less, of course. While they had all agreed this Ikea treehouse would be perfect for the twins, it was Dorian who had said, "Don't worry, it looks easy to put together."


Opening: Brandy Snyder.....Continuation: Anon.

Book Trailer

The book trailer Evil Editor produced as an auction item in the Brenda Novak auction was for an e-novelette by Helen Pilz, which became available today from The Wild Rose Press. The advertised item was an "amusing book trailer," but upon noting that the book itself was not amusing, I offered to try a serious trailer. After gathering images that were applicable to the story I decided it was better without adding a voice over, and the author agreed. Possibly because she's heard my voice. The first version was over two minutes, but I thought it might drag, and removed a few images to make a shorter version. Helen likes both versions, so I told her I'd solicit the minions' opinions. (I note it's the shorter version she currently has on her website.) Should you feel inclined to order the work, it's available here.

Short version (1:44)




Long version (2:11)

Cartoon 423

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 651

Guess the Plot

The Lesser Species

1. Cows have had enough. It's time to knock humans to the bottom of the food chain.

2. Aliens land on earth and refuse to communicate with humans. Strange gases start coming out of their ships, killing any human who comes near them. One scientist realizes the chemicals in the gas are pesticides, and the aliens are carrying tanks full of the stuff to rid the Earth of . . . the lesser species.

3. A man is abducted from Earth by the Galactic Council and put into a zoo with other lesser species. He escapes and rigs the next election so that he becomes Galactic President. But once in power he realizes he'd just as soon have a plate of nachos.

4. Dogs vs. Cats. The final war that will end the debate once and for all.

5. Christof flexed his legs. It was time for the revolution. His army's carapaces gleamed. He was proud of them. So began his war against the lesser species. One day the Earth would again belong to Christof, king of the cockroaches.

6. Biologist Harold Carter is obsessed with the reproduction of the monotremes. He's spent decades in Australia, studying. Meanwhile his wife and children grow increasingly distant. Will he return to soul-crushing suburbia, or stay in Australia with his beloved platypi?



Original Version

While there’s no doubt we humans are happy to wallow in our own importance, what would happen if we were sent into the galaxy where everyone else regards us as The Lesser Species? [We're already regarded as the lesser species by cats. And, of course, sharks.]

Mistaken for Earth’s leaders, Lucy and Peter are abducted by the Galactic Council as part of an outreach project for lesser species. When they end up at a natural zoo, an unhinged journalist orchestrates their escape and leads the reluctant pair on a quest for excitement. [If the Council wants a couple Earthlings in their zoo, why would they care whether they get Earth's leaders? They ought to go for Penn and Teller or Yo-yo Ma and Tina Turner. Much more entertaining for zoo visitors. Wait, professional wrestlers!] This includes seriously annoying a man who owns a religion, [The best example you can come up with of their quest for excitement is they annoy a guy?] and convincing a group of rebellious programmers to rig the next election. On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark spend most of their time in a spaceport security line, with a short stint as the pets of reality show stars. All four meet up at the Council where, despite a horrid press photo and inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.

The Lesser Species accompanies these four travelers as they try—and fail—to make sense of their place in the galaxy. Lucy sets out to raise the bar for the human race, but only manages to raise the bar on her weirdness scale. Mark applies scientific reasoning to all problems, and still loses all of his luggage and one of his shoes. Wendy discovers that big breasts and a winning smile really are tickets into anywhere. [Especially if you ever want to be published.] Peter never learns to duck when the galaxy tosses something unexpected at him. But at the heartwarming conclusion, they realize that relationship drama, hot showers, and nachos are what make life as a Lesser Species not so bad.

A science fiction satire of 73,000 words, The Lesser Species would be appreciated by those who (like me) regret that Douglas Adams can’t add a sixth book to his Hitchhiker Trilogy.

As a computer engineer, I spend most of my time writing about real science, but over the past five years, I’ve added fiction to my repertoire. One of my science fiction stories won a Southwest Writer’s Award.

I’d be pleased to send you my completed manuscript. Thank you for your time.


Notes

The tone is right for the type of book. This could get results, but I'm not thrilled by some of the details. For instance, the third paragraph is listy, which is okay, as the plot is finished, but the items in the list aren't especially funny or interesting. Except the breasts, of course. If you could make Lucy's more specific and Mark's less boring it would help. I don't consider it ironic that a guy who applies scientific reasoning to all problems loses luggage and a shoe. Typical absent-minded professor.

The previous paragraph doesn't need the horrid press photo or the waiting in a security line:

On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark become celebrities as the pets of galactic reality show stars. All four eventually meet up at the Council where, despite a series of inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.

If you also dump annoying the guy, or replace it with something that is exciting I'd be more excited myself. (Possibly just telling us what they do to annoy him would be enough, if it's funny.)

Cartoon 422

Caption: Whirlochre

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New Beginning 659

The heavy wooden doors, engraved with the image of a dragon, swung slowly open on their iron hinges, revealing a lone figure, a man. Immediately the two guards that had been leaning against the door fell to the ground. Dead.

The intruder cleaned and sheathed the twin short swords he carried, one on either side. He was fairly tall, with straight black hair, crystalline blue eyes, and golden-brown skin that rippled over muscle and sinew. His attire was dark and austere. His only accessories were the two short swords, and a rather large one slung across his back and concealed in black cloth. The most curious thing about him was the rough sack he was carrying.

“They just don’t make doorkeepers like they used to,” the man said wryly. He sauntered into the torch-lit, yet perpetually gloomy and shadow-haunted throne room, wherein sat on a black wrought-iron chair the very person he had come to see. “Greetings, Gripgrim, Lord of Thardus,” he called out in a deep, resonant voice. He over-bowed, more in mockery than respect.

“Welcome, surly warrior,” said Gripgrim, “to The League of Cliché Spouting, Stock Fantasy Characters.”

A scrawny thief sharpened a dagger in the corner and said, “Join us . . . or die.”

“Stay your hand, thief.” said a bearded dwarf. “You can catch more flies with honey than--”

“Silence!” cried an elf as he shot a venomous stare in the dwarf’s direction. “Does your foolishness know no bounds?!”

“Enough! Time is of the essence,” declared Randolph the wizard as he placed a magic amulet on his staff. “Let’s lock and load.”


Opening: Brett Wade.....Continuation: Matthew

Synopsis 16

This synopsis goes with the Face-Lift that appeared July 3. If you haven't read that yet, and you like to play Guess the Plot, scroll down now, as you are about to encounter spoilers.





Hang The Thief - Synopsis
Genre: Fantasy
Author: _______________

A misguided and outcast scholar unwittingly is used by a demon to open gates that bring great evil into the world. The deities as a result awaken and give their faithful the power to save lives. [How long have the deities been asleep? It would be annoying to discover that the reason your prayers have gone unanswered is because the gods have been hibernating for three millennia.] Monsters enter through the gates and natural disasters also occur which kill hundreds. The gates also allow magic to enter the world which gives mankind the power to cause great good and great evil, including the ability to create and use the undead. [Is that an example of great good or great evil? Because if I could use the undead to read slush, that would be good.]

On the day the gates open, Ehlana is seventeen years and adrift in her world without hope or purpose in life and she joins a thieves’ guild for the easy money. Six years later, Ehlana sees two people enter the sewers. [Are you just hitting the highlights of the book?

Scene 1. Chaos reigns as monsters are released into the world.
Scene 2. Six years later two people enter the sewers . . .

Are the monsters still around? What's been happening for six years? Not specific events if there aren't any important ones, but what's the world like? Are people and monsters coexisting? Are monsters killing people right and left?] She is spurred to action when she discovers that one of them is a notorious assassin. She follows the assassin into the sewer and learns that an evil cult is worshipping there. She takes this information to the watch and a high priestess. [Hi, I'm with the local thieves' guild, and I'd like to report a worshiping violation.] With their help she infiltrates the cult, learns of their plot to kill a court official and helps the watch seize the coven. Not all of the cult members are arrested and her life is now in danger. [If the authorities needed someone to go undercover, why would they choose Ehlana? Why not one of their own or at least someone who's never been a member of a criminal organization? And why does Ehlana care if some court official gets killed?]

Ehlana leaves the city for her protection and goes to the Bashkir region where she becomes the clans’ bard and learns their ancient language and that of the gypsies. Three years later [The book keeps starting over. Is there a connection that holds all the parts together besides the fact that Ehlana is in all of them?] the world stands on the brink of war partially due to the catastrophes caused by the gates. Ehlana has dreams and is advised to go to a temple to discover their meaning. She and her guide are joined by a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is a child in prophesy. [She's at least 26 years old by now.]

Ehlana learns through visions that the gates need to be closed [It's been over nine years since the gates were opened, bringing death and destruction and monsters upon the land, and no one has thought of closing them yet?] and in order to find out how they must go to the Anaran Academy and Library. There Ehlana using her abilities to read ancient texts and decipher riddles hidden in songs, learns how to close the gates. Although she hates magic and those that use it, she is not convinced they should be closed, because the gods’ gifts would cease as well. [Gates open = Monsters + natural disaters + evil magic (includes undead) + good magic. It's three to one.] She chooses to forsake her destiny but changes her mind when an undead army annihilates the Bashkir region. [Okay, okay, I'll close the lousy gates. Jeez, you'd think nine years of monsters and zombies was the apocalypse or something.]

Ehlana along with friends travel to place the gates were opened and she performs the ritual necessary to close the gates but is killed by the demon’s death knight before she succeeds. The gates are only partially closed. [That's it? The end? She's killed? After failing? That's like Gollum grabbing the ring from Frodo and shoving him into the fires of Mount Doom. Like Westley, Inigo and Fezzik getting killed and Buttercup marrying Humperdinck. Like Babe losing the sheep herding contest and Farmer Hogget selling him to Oscar Meyer.]


Notes

The opening of the gates begins the chaos. The closing of the gates will end the chaos. In between, we want to know about the chaos. Closing the gates doesn't seem so important if all you tell us about the nine years they've been open is that Ehlora spent six years as a bard and then helped prevent one guy from being assassinated. And someone almost went to war with someone. Is the zombie attack on Bashkir the only thing that's happened that's bad enough to spur Ehlana to action? Is studying in the library the only thing Ehlora does to try saving the world?

I see it as a problem that your main character accomplishes absolutely nothing. She has to succeed. If she fails, you may as well scrap this book and write one about the character who comes along later and gets the gates closed. That's the character we want to read about, not the one who accomplishes nothing.

What do the monsters look like? The Incredible Hulk? Dinosaurs? Calling them monsters makes it sound like a kids book. What are they?

Cartoon 421

Caption: Mother (Re)produces

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Saturday Film Series

This screen is smaller than last time I embedded from Youtube; if it's still too wide, I'll replace it with a link.

Face-Lift 650

Guess the Plot

Hang the Thief

1. Fong the Assassin, Peng the Counterfeiter, Chung the Procurer and Ling the Literary Agent already control four-fifths of organized crime in ancient China. Can they recruit the one man they need to make their underworld empire complete?

2. Vingh Pho came to America to start a new life for his family, but after the store he worked so hard to open is robbed by a local teen, he is willing to risk his own freedom to see justice served.

3. Mr. Wong stole her heart. He wrecked her car. He painted her house black. He emptied her bank account. And he took her dog. That was the last straw. Now Nan Chan has called her gang o' sisters: Mae, Jane, Naomi, and Big Bertha -- to extract commensurate revenge. And these ladies always get their man.

4. Bored with her unfulfilling job as a bard, Ehlana seeks answers from a barbarian priestess who tells her she is the chosen one who will save the world. Immediately she decides to seek different answers, but not before an army of zombies destroys the city. Also, a thief.

5. When the letters U and I turn up missing from alphabet soup cans at crime scenes, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's on the trail of a kleptomaniac serial killer who was traumatized by a childhood word guessing game; and he'd better remember to pick up his wife's Andy Warhol comforter from Hang's Dry Cleaning.

6. Won Bak Hang is wanted throughout the kingdom for his brazen acts, including stealing the sacred bronze bells of the sky dragons. But beneath his thieving clothes he's actually Won Lu Bang, the Emperor's favorite son. Can he stop the sky dragons before they attack, or will his last theft be his own life?

7. CEO Lisa Madarossi is convicted of embezzlement and sentenced to thirty years. She's let out in five on a plea bargain, but the only job she can find is hangman. When several of her friends are given the death penalty for corporate malfeasance, she helps them plan a massive prison break at their execution. Hijinks ensue.


Original Version

HANG THE THIEF is an epic adventure about an extraordinary woman living in a medieval/fantasy world who with the help of friends attempts to usurp a demon’s plan to destroy her world.

Ehlana, a gregarious young woman, is adrift in her world without purpose or hope for a better life when gates to other worlds are opened. They cause catastrophic natural disasters and allow mythical monsters to enter the world of Craie. [Nothing improves a woman's opportunity for purpose and a better life like the arrival of mythical monsters.] But, they also allow magic to return, giving mankind the opportunity to do great evil, including raising the undead and great good. [It sounds like great good is a second example of great evil.] [Who are the undead? The dead? If so, are all of the dead undead? Or are just the living dead undead? In other words, can you raise the dead, or just the undead, and if the latter, can the dead become undead and then be raised? This would be less confusing if you'd just call them zombies.]

Ehlana accidentally discovers an evil cult’s plot to assassinate a court official and helps the watch apprehend the coven. Not all the leaders are caught, however, and Ehlana leaves the city for her safety. In Bashkir, Ehlana starts a new life and becomes a bard, [at which point my novel enters what I call its boring phase.] fulfilling her dream of becoming part of a royal court but remains unfilled [Unfilled?] and restless.

The world becomes more dangerous and desperate due to civil unrest [A world in which natural disasters and mythical monsters have just been introduced becomes more dangerous because of a few protest marches?] and from those that would use magic for evil. Dreams haunt Ehlana and a gypsy woman convinces her to seek answers at a temple. She is guided there by others, including a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is the fulfillment of prophesy. There visions forewarn the destruction of the world unless the gates are closed and she is advised the fates have chosen her to do so.

However, self-doubt and moral doubts plague Ehlana – she does not believe in fate and questions if this should even be her responsibility. Shouldn’t the queen or priests be responsible? She decides to forsake her destiny but before she does an army of undead destroys Bashkir. Devastated Ehlana travels to another country to seek answers in ancient tomes and songs. [Lemme get this straight. When catastrophic disasters and monsters show up, our heroine flees to Bashkir. When she's told she must save the world from destruction, our heroine says, "Screw that." When an army of zombies attack Bashkir, our heroine flees to another country. Are you absolutely certain you've chosen the best character to focus the story on?] The demon, however, has not been lying dumb in his lair and has learned of Ehlana. Realizing she is the child of prophesy, he will send his most powerful minions to stop her. [I like a villain who has powerful minions.] [I also like a villain who gets mentioned occasionally. Is the demon responsible for everything? Because one could get the impression he has been lying dumb in his lair. Whatever that means. The demon has a lair?] [You make it sound like the demon sent his zombies to destroy Bashkir before he knew of Ehlana. Why?]

Follow this unconquerable spirit as she [flees danger and disaster across the continents.] develops the courage and the skills necessary to save her world. Only two questions remain - [1. Will a hero show up in time to keep Ehlana alive? and 2. Does the demon have an opening for an experienced bard?] who will win this epic tale of good vs. evil and is it too late?

HANG THE THIEF is a 106,000 word fantasy adventure and I am interested in finding an agent to represent it. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

This is too long. And it's all set-up. Here's the only set-up you need: The demon Rokoko has opened the gates to hell, and Ehlana is the one prophesied to close them. No gypsy, barbarian priestess, cult, coven, etc. What's her plan? Who's helping her? Is there any way this bard can defeat a demon who has an army of zombies? Does she have magic on her side?

Start over. Give yourself nine sentences in which to convey the plot, and make sure at least six of them cover the period after Ehlana accepts that she's the chosen one. Or is that book 2?

Cartoon 420

Caption: Mother (Re)produces

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New Beginning 658

Waurubr T’Saurakil, Consul to Earth of the Third Kimust Empire and captain of the Gaia-class space ship Daughter of Nausk, shook with rage as he gave the order to open fire. ‘This is for Hamari,’ he thundered through his side-mouth, as the first of the electromagnetic pulse devices detonated three thousand kilometres above the surface of the planet below. ‘And this is for Tureni’, as, ten milliseconds later, the anti-proton particle cannons - carried by autonomous micro-scout craft in higher orbits - obliterated the entirety of the planet’s satellite communications and feeble space-based weapons in a single all-spectrum flash of annihilation. The second wave of EMP weapons finished off the few electronic devices still operating on the planet after the initial blast – mainly those military systems the humans foolishly considered to be ‘hardened’ – leaving only a few subterranean facilities still operating. Waurubr, his anger now abating, instructed the ship’s synthetic control-mind to show him a selection of images of the destruction he had wrought. He growled with satisfaction at flying craft falling from the sky, roads blocked by immobile ground vehicles and, most of all, at the simultaneous blinking out of lights across the whole of the dark side of the planet. He briefly considered a last assault to dig out the buried electrical activity coming from the human government forces but, after a moment’s thought, decided that it would be more of a punishment for the planet to leave them be.



Mike sighed in exasperation as his boss, Tim, walked into the room. “What’s wrong?” asked Tim.

Mike threw his hands in the air and said, “I received this block of text via an intergalactic broadcast channel and I can’t decipher it for the life of me!”

Tim took a look at the message. “Hmm, let’s see...Waurubr T’Saurakil? Kimust, Nausk, Hamari, kilometres, Tureni . . . Ah, don’t worry about it, Mike. This text is clearly written in an alien language that no human could possibly comprehend. But you get high marks for effort--I would’ve stopped reading after the first line.”


Opening: Fred.....Continuation: Matthew

Cartoon 419

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 649

Guess the Plot

Cyborg Harrow

1. For years Cyborgs had been quietly integrated into society. Now they're being terminated, their parts recycled for scrap metal--and the cyborg running the program doesn't know he's one himself.

2. When Steve Harrow wakes to find a psychopathic killer and a cop in his bedroom, he convinces them to settle their differences by playing video games while encased in rubber costumes. But Harrow's handler, General Ascot, has other ideas for the killer and the cop. He wants to convert them into human computers capable of controlling world finance, killer satellites and soulless assassins. Can Steve, who is part machine himself, prevent the General and his platoon of death-dealing cyborgs from enacting their plot for world domination?

3. Farmer Harrow chose to become a cyborg rather than live as a quadraplegic. Now he must defeat a zamboni in a cage match to win the love of a vending machine.

4. The teenage daughter of a mad scientist deals with school, homework, and figuring out how to attract a boy when she has to recharge her batteries every few hours. On the plus side, she has laser cannons in her eyes.

5. The boys of the Upper Fifth are in trouble! Molesworth hasn't downloaded his Latin prep, Derbyshire's titanium bowling arm is in for repairs, and now Potts Major has picked up a wetware cybervirus from one of the girls at Android Roedean. Will they be ready for the crucial cricket match against Bionic Eton?

6. In a dystopian future Britain, only those with technologically augmented brains and bodies can win a place at one of the country's top schools. Half-boy, half-machine Tom Brown struggles for an elite education in a society where a high metal content is a must.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Steve Harrow is a man with a history, a man of parts. He writes computer war games, creates costumes for Sci-Fi movies, talks to computers and dreams of colonizing the galaxy. But that all might end today when one of his friends, a psychopathic killer nicknamed Jack the Sprat, surprises him with a wake-up gunshot and the crooked cop chasing Jack shows up wanting to split the loot -- one way. [What loot?] [Why doesn't the killer just call himself Jack Sprat? A sprat is a fish. Jack the Sprat sounds like Felix the Cat or Rocky the Flying Squirrel or Howard the Duck. But they were a cat and a flying squirrel and a duck. Is Jack a herring?] [Also, can Jack the Sprat eat fat, or just lean?]

But dying does not fit into Steve's plans. [Who said anything about dying? Why is Jack there?] He's planned in advance for occasions like this [What made him think occasions like this might arise? Who is this guy?] and the killer and the cop end up playing video games while completely encased in rubber costumes; no small recruiting feat. [Like most editors, I sometimes lie awake nights wondering what I would do if a gang of disgruntled authors were trying to get into my house to kill me. My plans range from pushing a dresser in front of the bedroom door to running up to the attic and cowering quietly behind forgotten boxes of slush. The chances that I might convince the intruders to let me encase them in rubber seems like a long shot.] Steve is definitely a man of more parts than any man alive. He is already part machine and must one day sacrifice his flesh and blood body to computer chips and metal. [Thus completing his conversion from cyborg to X-box.]

General Ascot, Steve's military handler, [Don't generals have better things to do than act as handlers for guys who write game programs? Can't the general delegate this to a colonel?] wants the killer and the cop converted to human computers capable of controlling worldwide finances, killer satellites and soulless assassins. Ascot has an entire Platoon ready to be transformed into death-dealing cyborgs and subhuman automatons, willing and able to do his bidding. [Willing? When you place an order for a terminator, you shouldn't have to specify whether you want it to be willing or unwilling to do your bidding. "Willing" should go without saying. I'm surprised they even make unwilling ones.]

[Hey pal, this cyborg you sold me just sits around all day watching soaps instead of killing my enemies.

Oh, did you want the kind willing to do your bidding?] The only man standing between Ascot and his dream of hegemony is Steve Harrow.

CYBORG HARROW is a 21000 word SciFi novella of surprises, of cross and double cross. [SciFi is now known as SyFy. Supposedly this is less offensive to aliens and/or nerds.] A day when no man can be taken at face value and any man might lose his humanity and become a cyborg. [I don't mind that that's not a sentence, but it would be a better non-sentence if it started with "Of," so I suspect from the start that it's not gonna be a sentence.] In a world one step from the end of humanity as we know it, one man stands for human life and its future. [And that man, apparently, is a cyborg.]

The first 5000 words are attached. Thanks for your time and effort.


Notes

Isn't it a little unusual for someone who designs costumes for movies to have a military handler?

When you say any man might lose his humanity and become a cyborg, I get the impression it's something that just happens out of the blue. Someone has to do it to you, right? Do you lose your humanity when you become a cyborg, or do you become a cyborg when you lose your humanity?

I'm writing a book in which it's discovered that Barack Obama is a cyborg. Then the people have to decide whether to impeach him or to stick it out and hope he doesn't plan to destroy humanity.

Is one platoon of cyborgs really enough to doom humanity?

If Steve is a man of more parts than any man alive, does that mean he's the only cyborg?

The first sentence is too vague to make me care what it means.

Why is Steve the only man who can save humanity? Can't he go to the press or the government and blow the whistle?

Cartoon 418

Caption: anon.

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