Golden Opportunity?

Some of you may know about the auction to aid juvenile diabetes research, which is in its third year. I just found out about it, and have placed a last minute offering on the auction block: Your entire book (as long as it's not over 100,000 words) edited by EE. Bidding ends the 31st. Details on how to pay, how to bid etc. are on the site.

People who've never heard of EE won't be bidding much, so it's up to you guys to fight it out. Whatever this goes for, it's tax deductible. So if you give money to charity anyway, here's your chance to get something beyond the satisfaction of doing a good deed.

There seem to be a lot of people visiting from the auction site, who may be unfamiliar with Evil Editor. As there are more query critiques here than you can read in a short period, I invite you to click on the label below, which will lead you to the "Face-Lifts" minions judged as the best of 2006.

Face-Lift 253

Guess the Plot

Enter the Parrot

1. They say actors should avoid appearing on stage with animals. So when playwright Quentin Unmantt learns that Valeria Starre, Quentin’s ex-wife, has landed the ingénue role in his new Broadway play, he hurriedly adds a character and a new stage direction for each of her scenes.

2. Medium Madame Ming is deep in a tricky séance in San Francisco when a huge earthquake hits. The spirits are lost and upset. One moves into the plumbing. One reanimates the dead cat. But there's trouble when Stalin's ghost and Madame Ming both decide to . . . enter the parrot.

3. A professional stunt double is hired to take the place of a martial-artist hit man for the mafia, which also means taking out the hit man's targets. He begins soliciting advice from the mafia boss's hooker.

4. A martial arts legend sends his granddaughter deep into the seedy underbelly of Chinatown to search for his missing bird, a parrot who thinks he's John Wayne.

5. Jane Finch knows her new play will be a hit, but it requires a parrot to fly in and blab clues about the murder of Mrs. Crow to Detective Robin. She tried a trained live bird, a puppet on wires, and a holographic CGI character projected on mist. All failed. Her last hope is Tommy "the Midget" Jones, in a feathered suit. Will the show go on?

6. Wei Chin never wanted to study with the notorious Pai Mei, but when his own father is disgraced for failing to master Pai Mei's deadly art, Chin is thrown into virtual slavery in his father's place. His only hope of freedom is to learn the sole counter to the master's Tiger Claw technique . . . the dreaded Angry Parrot.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

One girl. One parrot. One ancient kung fu mystery. Meet Jade, the White girl in the Wong family.

On the surface, Jade fits in perfectly. But just below the surface lurks the fragrance of ginger, ginseng and a secret kung fu society. [The fragrances of ginger and ginseng I can tolerate. But the time I rented my garage to a secret kung fu society, the stench was so bad I had the place sandblasted and fumigated, and then I had to burn it to the ground. That's one of three groups I'll never rent my garage to again, the other two being the Institute of Filipino Cryptographers, and the Moose (no, not the fraternal organization, an actual herd of moose--I must have been out of my mind).]

When her grandfather asks Jade to find his missing bird, things take a turn for the bizarre. Soon, Jade is diving deep into the seedy underbelly of Chinatown and keeping secrets from her best friends and her cute eco mentor Cedric, the president of EASY-Stud (the Ecological-American Society of Young Students), aka the hottest guy in school. [Going to Chinatown and keeping secrets don't strike me as examples of things turning "bizarre." That's more of a "things get interesting" list.] [The organization name is too contrived. No organization would have that name. Try something like American Society of Students for Ecological Scholarship.]

There are a lot of questions Jade wants answered. Is grandpa really a martial arts legend? What's the deal with Asiaphile teachers? Is it wrong to wear chopsticks in your hair? [Hey, if western women can wear forks and spoons in their hair, why not?] Can you like Hello Kitty and still be cool enough to sit near the A crowd during lunch time? [No. You have to eat under the bleachers in the gym while wearing a hood.] When will her nerd cousin understand that there's a fine line between being chivalrous and downright stupid? When will Jade herself learn the same? [The other questions were amusing or intriguing; these last two could use some background if you're going to ask them. I suggest dumping them; you have enough questions, and I'd like a few answers.]

And how can you choose between a boy who is yum cha (yummy & charming)and one who's dim sum (dimpled & sumptuous) [and one who is wel rep (wealthy but repugnant)] while hunting for a missing parrot who thinks he's John Wayne? [Now listen, and listen tight, pilgrim. Out here, a bird settles his own problems. And right now, I want a cracker.]

ENTER THE PARROT is a Young Adult novel, complete at 65,000 words, set in California. It's intended as the first book in a series, [Is the parrot in all the books in the series? I think a parrot detective would be a great idea.

Officer: Well, the killer has to be the nephew, the daughter, or the butler. They were the only ones here. But there's no evidence against any of them, so there's nothing we can do.

Hercule Parrot: Squawk! I'm gonna enjoy pulling the trigger and watching you die, Uncle Paul. Squawk.]

but stands well on its own.

I am enclosing a synopsis and the first three chapters of ENTER THE PARROT for your consideration and will gladly send you the full manuscript if you are interested.

I have enclosed an SASE for correspondence only. If you prefer, you can send me an email. Should the manuscript be unsuitable for you at this point in time, feel free to dispose of it.

Thanks very much for your time and consideration.


Notes

Try to cut those last five sentences to two or three.

The tone is good, but outside of a missing bird, there's no plot. Now that I've had you cut a few things, you have room to address a few of my questions: Is there reason to steal the parrot, beyond it's value? Are there clues that send Jade to Chinatown? Is there a bad guy? Does her cute eco-mentor have any interest in her? Is it just a coincidence that eco-mentor is an anagram for erect romeo?

Face-Lift 221

Guess the Plot

The Horizontal Life

1. Jake Stone wakes to find that the life he led for six years was nothing but a coma dream. Instead of the lucky young man who side-stepped a speeding car and went on to football fame and fortune, he is a shriveled scarecrow doomed to years of surgery and physical therapy.

2. Finding and keeping gainful employment when you're a narcolept isn't easy. Myron is barely making it when he auditions for a mattress commercial and suddenly strikes it rich.

3. This book about modern-day hookers is highlighted by my first-hand up-close-and-personal interviews with dozens of prostitutes.

4. After thirty-two years spending most of his waking hours prostrate before the childish emperor, Vlad finally sees his chance to stage the coup he's always dreamed of. Also, a dragon.

5. Born lazy, Joseph has spent his life lying on the couch. But when rampaging elephants threaten his hometown, he must stand up -- or be forever flattened.

6. Living in an iron lung has not stopped Gene from getting a degree in aerospace engineering and turning his "capsule" into the Love Rocket.


Original Version

Dear Ms.Literary Agent:

Every day across America, businessmen sit down to their computers to book a business trip. They choose the airline, the hotel and their transportation all by pointing and clicking. [Actually, they have their secretaries do this. Most businessmen never touch a computer, unless they're looking for free pornography.]

They can also choose what type of woman they will go to bed with as well. [See what I mean? Now this is the part where the secretaries are left out of the loop.] Whatever his pleasure is---a brunette, a blonde, black, Asian [or one of each]--it’s all available online [What did you say that url was? (Just to confirm that you have your facts straight, of course.) ] and as easy as ordering a pizza. [Pizza or prostitute. Hmm, let's see . . .

..................................Pizza.................Prostitute

"The works".............$14.95........................$200.00
Cholesterol...............22 mg./slice.................0
Protection............Napkin: 2 cents.......Condom: $2
Chance of STD..........2%..............................64%
Chance of getting
murdered by pimp..0%...............................7%
Tastes better with
chocolate sauce?....No...............................Yes
Made by high
school kid 30
minutes before
arriving at your
house?....................Yes..............................Yes]


Prostitution has moved off the streets and into cyberspace.

My book, The Horizontal Life: Selling Sex in Cyberspace is all about the women who go online (and out of the sight of law enforcement) to ply their trade, the men who patronize them [I don't care what any of them said, that wasn't me. Everyone knows prostitutes will say anything for publicity. Especially Mandy.] [It was Mandy, wasn't it?] and the subculture of web sites, blogs and professionally run boards where the escorts and clients go to meet and greet.

There have been other books about Internet Prostitution, but most of them have been memoirs or how-to books. [Can you recommend a good how-to book?] No one has directly explored how popular and widespread the selling of sex online has become from an investigative journalism perspective. [No one else has plunged so deeply into prostitution.]

My hope is this book will not merely titillate, but educate. I’m not a crusader, but I recognize sometimes you have to start an argument before you can win one. [Not clear what you're talking about. Which side of what argument would you take?]

Included are dozens of interviews with prostitutes I have conducted [Actually, I think you mean it was the interviews you conducted, not the prostitutes--unless the prostitutes formed an orchestra.] [Which is possible. I've heard many prostitutes are quite proficient on the organ, and I imagine many of them have a fine pair of maracas.] over the last four years. [Interviews in which the prostitutes didn't even realize I was interviewing them--I managed to convince every one of them that I was just a regular customer.] I have 14 years experience as a reporter, columnist and managing editor for various mainstream, alternative and online publications.

I would be interested in sharing my proposal for The Horizontal Life with you at your request. This is a simultaneous query. Thank you for your time and consideration.


(The title, "The Horizontal Life" comes from an interview I conducted with one prostitute who said she had accompanied men to the White House, had attended parties with powerful politicians, changed cars every two years [After two years, the back seat starts to get pretty scummy.] and had a stock portfolio worth a million dollars. She said her way to the top had come via a view of the ceiling. Thus..."The Horizontal Life.")


Notes

To me the most intriguing part was the part that wasn't in the query, about where you got the title. Perhaps if many of the women you interviewed went from barely scraping by to millionaire, thanks to the Internet, the query would be made more interesting by including sample stories of a couple of these women.

Face-Lift 183

Guess the Plot

Loving Yourself with Food

1. When sex therapist Trisha Garvey found her clientelle...flagging, she took up the radio talk show circuit. Her topic lit up the airwaves - and the produce aisles of the supermarkets.

2. The author of Romancing the Frogs has a new self-help hit, inspired by the eating habits of Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.

3. Mike Daley and tech support phone rep Chi meet when Mike calls in to find out just what the DVD player manual means by "loving yourself with food." Will their language barrier keep them from true love?

4. This new how-to cookbook/romance tantalizes with such utilitarian dishes as Portnoy's liver, low-cal chocolate sauce and oiled cucumbers. Profusely Illustrated.

5. Three hundred-pound fashion designer Sumona travels the world to find the most exotic foods, brings them back to New York, and puts on the year’s biggest fashion show--one like you’ve never tasted.

6. Margot thought no one knew what she did with the Japanese eggplant - until the handsome young clerk at the market slipped a can of Redi-Whip and a banana squash into her bag.


Original Version

Dear Eager Agent

Loving Yourself with Food: [Not sure I'd call canola oil "food," but if so, guilty.] How to Quit Emotional Eating and Overeating deals with the issues of emotional eating and subconscious eating that affect approximately 75% of women. [Subconscious eating? That must be what happened the time I was just sitting there watching TV and suddenly felt sick, so I looked down to find, on the plate I hadn't even realized was in front of me, an entire turkey carcass.] [Does it count as emotional eating when an editor sees the word "eating" so many times in the first sentence of a query letter that he stops reading and heads for the kitchen? Back in a minute.] In Loving Yourself with Food the author exposes common diet myths and explains why so many people choose to self-medicate with food. The book deals sympathetically with triggers for emotional eating such as boredom, loneliness, depression, anxiety and anger [This is starting to depress me. I need a pint of Häagen Daz.] drawing on the author’s own experiences with emotional eating supplemented by extensive research.

Loving Yourself with Food [No need to say the title in every sentence. It sounds repetitive and it's making me hungry and horny.] offers solutions that encompass cognitive behavioral change, taking the reader through worksheets and exercises to identify and change habitual eating patterns. [If they spent less time on worksheet exercises, and more time on aerobic exercises, they could get away with all that eating.] [Look who's talking. I decided to try aerobics once. I tuned in a half-hour exercise show on TV. The instructor was this small frail-looking woman who started off nice and slow, gaining my confidence. Then . . . well, how can I put this without sounding too dramatic? The woman tried to kill me. And I would have died, too, if I'd stuck with it, but I spent the last 25 minutes of the show lying on my back, panting like I'd just run a two-hour marathon.] Readers learn how to reprogram their dysfunctional beliefs, manage uncomfortable feelings [like hunger] without turning to food, and establish new eating habits. [I'm starving.]

Emotional eating is emerging as an area of weight management that is not adequately addressed in diet books or programs. In June 2006 Kirsty Alley confessed to gaining more than 20 pounds in six weeks as a result of loneliness. [Best to spell it "Kirstie" if you want the agent to respect your research skills.] Oprah has admitted to lifetime problems with emotional eating and compulsive eating. [Here's my theory on weight management. The secret isn't to quit eating, it's to quit eating food you don't even like. Here's a typical day of eating for me: For breakfast, a bowl of some kind of cereal I bought because it has fiber. It tastes like it was gathered from the forest floor three years ago, but that doesn't keep me from eating every last morsel. I simply make it more tolerable by adding some mushy berries or over-ripe banana. For lunch, burger, fries and a soft drink. The burger is cold, the fries are too greasy, and the drink is watered down, but do I toss it in the trash and save 1200 calories? No, I shovel it in like I'll never see food again. Dinner at a fancy restaurant. It's too salty, overcooked, and almost inedible, but at that price it must be good, so I clean my plate, and when the waiter asks, I tell him it was delicious. Restaurant desserts are always too sweet, but I order one anyway. Why can't I take one bite and say, "That's so disgustingly sweet it's making me sick, and I refuse to eat another bite," instead of downing it like it's ambrosia? Gaining weight is bad enough, but I'm gaining weight on stale, tasteless, sickening slop. I'd probably lose twenty pounds in a week if I gave up after one bite when the food is yucko.] [Now, where were we?]

The author is a psychologist and the author of two self-help books. Her first book, Romancing the Frogs: A Singles Guide to Love and Happiness, [has done more to advance the cause of human/amphibian relationships than any other book this year.] helps people find love. Her second book, The Art of Calm: Freedom from Stress and Worry, offers more than 100 tips on stress management. [Tip #1: Go in the kitchen and have a snack.] __________ is a former executive of two Fortune 500 companies and award winning speaker who is frequently quoted in New Zealand media. Her articles are published in business, health and self-growth websites and magazines.

The market for Loving Yourself with Food is readers of self-help and weight loss books. The completed manuscript will be approximately 50,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards,


Revised Version

Dear Eager Agent

Loving Yourself with Food deals with emotional eating and subconscious eating--issues that affect approximately 75% of women. The author, psychologist __________, exposes common diet myths and explains why so many people choose to self-medicate with food. She sympathetically considers the most common triggers of emotional eating--boredom, loneliness, depression, anxiety and anger--drawing on her own experiences and on extensive research.

Through worksheets and exercises, the book helps readers to identify and change habitual eating patterns, to reprogram their dysfunctional beliefs, and to manage uncomfortable feelings without turning to food. This leads to establishing healthier eating habits.

Emotional eating is emerging as a vital area of weight management, one that is not adequately addressed in diet books or programs. In June 2006 Kirstie Alley confessed to gaining more than 20 pounds in six weeks as a result of loneliness. Oprah Winfrey has admitted to lifetime problems with emotional and compulsive eating.

I am the author of two self-help books: Romancing the Frogs: A Singles Guide to Love and Happiness (Toadlick Press, 1999), and The Art of Calm: Freedom from Stress and Worry (Tranquil House, 2002). I am a former executive of two Fortune 500 companies and an award-winning speaker, frequently quoted in New Zealand media. My articles are published in business, health and self-growth websites and magazines.

The completed manuscript will be approximately 50,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards,


Notes

I can appreciate writing in 3rd person, but if none of it is in 1st person, it may seem it's being submitted by someone other than the author. Her current agent, for instance.

At least some of your credentials should be up front, so the agent isn't worried she'll get to the end and find your only qualification is a lifetime of stuffing yourself. By which I of course mean eating.

I took the subtitle out because the next phrase is so similar it sounds repetitive. I wasn't crazy about it anyway. I can't tell if it's plain overeating or emotional overeating the way it's worded. Maybe the subtitle should be How to Keep from Pigging Out When You Feel Like Crap.

One could argue that the title, while inspirational to Guess the Plot authors, has the opposite meaning from the book's point, which is (in the words of my mom the time she caught me in my bedroom with a cantaloupe, a coring knife, and a can of Vienna sausages): Stop Loving Yourself with Food!

Face-Lift 112

Guess the Plot

After Goya

1. Whenever Goya, a Maltese cat, slinks by, Frisky lunges on his chain. One day the chain breaks in this picture book tale about grisly death to help children prepare for life in the real world.

2. Coded clues in microtext on the canvas of two faked Goya paintings give the location of the real long-lost Goyas. But will Sabine realize it?

3. One Mexican restaurant, two dueling Mariachi bands, and an extra large order of refried beans lead Special Agent Kit Thomas to a deadly gas consortium.

4. When famed Spanish painter Francisco Goya and a smuggler accidentally swap matching suitcases, Goya loses his clothes, but gains the Holy Grail. Suddenly, the smuggler, ruthless grail collectors, and even the Spanish Inquisition are . . . after Goya!

5. Goya has stolen the Panther’s Eye –the world’s largest emerald. When Goya discovers his “client” never intended to pay him, he keeps the stone. The “client” sends his henchmen . . . after Goya.

6. 18th century Spanish painter Juan Rodrigo de Goyat could have been one of the most influential artists of his era, if only the Royal art commissions hadn't been appointed alphabetically.


Original Version

RE: AFTER GOYA: 95,000 word commercial fiction: adventure-thriller.

Dear Agent X,

I’m actively looking for representation in the United States. I’ve read your agency’s information and thought you may be interested in my novel AFTER GOYA.

AFTER GOYA [It's okay to shout the title once. After that, a calm voice will do.] is a fast moving, very visual, story of intrigue, deception and betrayal woven around the recovery of two lost miniature paintings by the great Spanish artist Goya set against the background of a terrorist bombing campaign in contemporary Spain.

AFTER GOYA [Okay, I got it. AFTER GOYA.] tells the story of how two Goya miniatures, looted during the Madrid air-raids, inspire a deadly hunt across Spain.

AFTER GOYA’s premise is built on the documented fact of a series of Luftwaffe and Italian bombing raids on Madrid between November 19th and 22nd, 1936.

AFTER GOYA [Are you trying to hypnotize Evil Editor?] takes readers on a journey into a Spain’s physical and metaphorical interior whilst engaging them with a good yarn based on real, documented events.

The following events unfold over a three-week period from mid-May to the first week of June.

Spain is in a state of tension. [Wait a minute, what's the title again? I forgot.] Radicalized Islamists, ETA remnants, and other malcontents, commit increasingly spectacular terrorist outrages…or so the public is led to believe.

When Málaga police detective, Jordi Cotelo, is ordered to follow an English associate of a Russian gangster he has no idea that events will lead him to uncovering a well developed plot to destabilize his country.

A Russian gangster, whose grandfather organized military intelligence during the Civil War, arrives in Spain with a posse of ex-special services thugs to acquire two Goyas looted by a Soviet airman in 1936.

A young German woman has been bequeathed the very same paintings by her grandfather, a former Condor Legion airman, who acquired the paintings following the Soviet pilot’s capture, interrogation and execution.

An English art researcher, hired by the Russian to authenticate and acquire the Goyas, befriends the German woman but fails to betray her. [Englishmen are too polite to betray a woman, even if they've been paid to do so.]

An ambitious young police detective is asked by his sherry-princess fiancée’s family, influential members of Blood of Spain, a neo-fascist conspiracy, to intervene and acquire the paintings so that they can be sold to raise funds for the cause. In truth they fear that discovery of the paintings will reveal that their iconic founder has a less than saintly past; having given birth to an illegitimate child (fathered by the German airman) during the Civil War. [A paragraph with more than one sentence!] [A neo-fascist conspiracy that calls itself Blood of Spain is worrried about how it will look if the world discovers their founder had an illegitimate child seventy years ago?]

A legal clerk, seeking retribution for his grandparents’ murder in Dachau, initiates a rogue operation by a section of an American funded Nazi art recovery program.

An American special operations agent is hired in to protect the anonymity of the Nazi art recovery program by doing what it takes to close down the rogue operation.

When the English art researcher, James Howard-Graham, apprehends an intruder attempting to steal one of the recovered paintings, he kills him, and takes the Goya as insurance against retribution from his Russian client.

[When Evil Editor finds a book is getting complicated, he likes to make a character chart to refer to while reading. Perhaps it will also work with a query letter:

1. Jordi Cotelo (police detective)
2. Englishman (associate of Russian gangster)
3. Russian gangster (After Goyas)
4. Grandfather of Russian gangster (ex-military intelligence officer)
5. Posse of thugs (After Goyas, in employ of Russian gangster)
6. English art researcher (possibly same as #2) (after Goyas)
7. Soviet airman (looted Goyas)
8. Young German woman (was bequeathed Goyas)
9. Her grandfather (former Condor Legion airman; took Goyas from #7)
10. Ambitious young police detective (secretly after Goyas)
11. His fiancée (sherry-princess)
12. Her family (Influential in Blood of Spain--see #15)
13. German airman (possibly same as #9)
14. Goya (painter responsible for this whole mess)
15. Blood of Spain (neo-fascist conspiracy; after Goyas)
16. Their iconic founder (less than saintly)
17. Her illegitimate child (fathered by German airman #13 during civil war)
18. Legal Clerk (brings Americans in to get revenge on Nazis; after Goyas)
19. His grandparents (died in Dachau)
20. U.S. special ops agent (hired to hush up rogue Nazi art recovery operation)
21. Intruder (after one Goya)]

When the Russian responds by ordering the kidnapping of the German woman, Howard-Graham (#6) attempts to redeem the situation by commissioning a couple of Goya pastiches and arranging a hostage-paintings exchange before giving himself up to the police.

Following a bloody showdown between the Russian gang (#3, #5), Howard-Graham (#6), and Special Operations police (#20+), during which Howard-Graham (#6) is killed, Cotelo's (#1) young colleague (#10) reveals his hand and attempts to take the paintings. During a struggle the young German woman, Sabine Hassell (#8), kills him. Cotelo (#1) tampers with the evidence to make it appear as if he was the killer.

A week later Cotelo catches up with Sabine and, with the help of an academic, [Aha, # 22.] expert in the history of the Spanish far-right women's movement, unravels the story. [Can we have their notes?]

The fake paintings used during the attempted exchange are returned to Sabine. The fakes embody a message, written in microtext, [Recommendation: change title to The Goya Code.] telling Sabine where she can collect the genuine Goyas.

I would be pleased to forward the completed manuscript for your consideration, [Does it come with a study guide?] or, if you prefer, sample chapters, by either email or surface mail. I enclose an SASE for your response.

Yours sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Agent X,

I’m actively seeking representation in the United States. I’ve read your agency’s information and believe you may be interested in my 95,000-word novel After Goya, a story of intrigue, deception and betrayal set against the background of a terrorist bombing campaign in contemporary Spain, and woven around the recovery of two lost miniature paintings by the great Spanish artist, Francisco Goya.

When word leaks out that Sabine Hassel has inherited two long-lost Goya paintings, looted during the Madrid air-raids of 1936, a Russian gangster hires a posse of thugs and English art researcher James Howard-Graham to acquire the artwork. But they aren't the only ones after the paintings. A neo-fascist group calling themselves Blood of Spain wants them, as does a rogue Nazi art recovery operation financed by a legal clerk seeking revenge for the murder of his grandparents at Dachau.

Málaga police detective, Jordi Cotelo, is put on the case. Ordered to follow Howard-Graham, he has no idea that one of his fellow detectives has his own reasons for wanting the paintings. Nor is Cotelo aware that events will soon catapult him into a well-developed terrorist plot to destabilize his country.

After Goya's premise is built on the documented fact of a series of Luftwaffe and Italian bombing raids on Madrid between November 19th and 22nd, 1936. The novel takes readers on a journey into Spain’s physical and metaphorical interior, while engaging them in an exciting yarn. I would be pleased to send the completed manuscript for your consideration. I enclose an SASE for your response.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

The query was more like a time-line graphic you might see across the bottom of a major story in Newsweek. No need to tell the entire book in your letter, just enough to make it sound like the fascinating, engrossing, "good yarn" you know that it is.

Face-Lift 94

Guess the Plot 

The Wayfarer 

1. Stranded in the desert with nothing but a scrapbook and her wits, Lisa’s chances for survival increase when she finds a broken pair of sunglasses. 

 2. Sailor John Davis swaggered into prostitute Melinda Walker's life three weeks ago. Can their impassioned romance survive his past and her pimp? 

 3. Christine meets The Old Man And The Sea when a weekend sailor's dinghy is possessed by a demon. 

 4. When Mallory becomes The Wayfarer, he sets out to destroy the strongest vampire of them all. Also his minions. 

 5. When nine year old Seymour Mertens discovers the Ancient Sunglasses of Power in a hidden cave, he becomes the only force capable of stopping the Invaders from the Dark Dimension. He becomes... The Wayfarer. 

 6. When a strange redhaired man shows up on Kaera Emblem's doorstep, she does not suspect that he is the mythical Wayfarer - until she falls in love with him. 

  Original Version 

 Dear Cruel Lord of Print: 

Your profile at Agent Query indicated you had an interest in urban fantasy. Please consider representing my contribution to the genre, The Wayfarer, an adventure novel told in 100,000 words. 

Mallory used to be a vampire. Then his brother, Veratrum, a stronger vampire (perhaps the strongest vampire) [Dracula is the strongest vampire.] killed him. However, Mallory rose again, this time as a wayfarer, one who stalks the physical and astral planes. 

Possessed of humanity, he condemns the sins of his former life and swears vengeance on Veratrum [Who would name their kid Veratrum? I Googled it, it's a plant. Also a homeopathic remedy for dozens of things, and that's just under the heading of "Stool." For instance, you supposedly should take Veratrum if your stool is any of the following: Strong and sharp (acrid), corrosive, wearing away skin; bilious; black; brown; copious; flaky; forcible, sudden, gushing; frequent; green; hard; involuntary; involuntary during flatulence; large; mucous, slimy; odourless; thin, liquid; watery; like rice water. Veratrum is also recommended for the following symptoms (among hundreds): Feeling excessively religious; vomiting during diarrhea; face that appears dead; craving refreshing things; imperceptible pulse; collapse after diarrhea; shrunken hands; shrieking; melancholy, with stupor and mania; sits in a stupid manner; notices nothing; frenzy of excitement; aimless wandering from home; delusions of impending misfortunes; mania, with desire to cut and tear things; cursing and howling all night; nose grows more pointed; rattling in chest; blue face; coughing upon entering warm room; neck too weak to hold head up.] and all who serve him. Over a century of failures has stretched Mallory’s patience and forced him to compromise more and more of his ideals in service of his oath. [A century? If you've been seeking revenge on someone for over a century and consistently failing, you have to be the most incompetent wayfarer of them all.] [He's a zombiefied vampire stalking the astral plane in search of vengeance. He needs a scarier name than The Wayfarer. He'd have killed Veratrum long ago, but he walks in and it goes: 

Mallory: Prepare to die, Veratrum. 

Veratrum: Yeah? Who's gonna kill me? 

Mallory: It is I . . . The Wayfarer! 

Veratrum (laughing): Hey minions, check it out. The Wayfarer. Run for your lives! 

Minions (laughing hysterically as they pummel Mallory): Ooh, The Wayfarer. Save us Master.] 

The final assault begins with the rescue of Aethe, a woman Veratrum wants as more than just prey. What exactly he wants with her, Mallory does not know, and when she refuses to tell, Mallory keeps her with him under the guise of protection. The same for Claud, a bystander Mallory carjacks in his flight with Aethe, who manages to get bit by one of Veratrum’s minions. The bite, of course, infects Claude with the Nosferatu. [Quick, give him two tablespoons of Veratrum.] [Also, make up your mind how Claud(e) spells his name.]

In order to keep the man pacified, Mallory claims there is a cure, but really he wants to use the disease in Claud’s veins to track Veratrum. [The closer they get to Veratrum, the brighter Claud glows.] They take shelter with Mallory’s friends, who are happy to help until they discover where they rank in relation to Mallory’s fevered thirst for revenge. Unable to hear their words over the roar of his obsession, rationalizing his every betrayal, Mallory makes a bargain with another vampire: Aethe for Veratrum. [How can this other vampire deliver Veratrum? Veratrum is stronger. Is it just because it's two against one? In an entire century of trying to kill Veratrum, this is the first time Mallory's thought of enlisting help? What about Veratrum's minions? They're not going to stand by while Mallory and Claud kill Veratrum.] Can he go through with it? At what price vengeance? I am as yet unpublished. The first five pages are enclosed, as well as an SASE for your response. Thank you for your time, 

Notes 

Sorry, Evil Editor tried several times to make this sound like what it's supposed to be, but it wasn't working. I blame it on the name Veratrum. Maybe my minions will help. Or maybe you should start over and come at it from another direction. And with a different name.

Face-Lift 78

Guess the Plot

Above the Shimmering Sky

1. A backyard chef glimpses a murder in his neighbor's house through the smoke and haze of his Weber grill.

2. Jaws meets Wolfen in this story of a fledgling private eye drawn into the murky worlds of Internet security and an extinct human race.

3. As trials begin on a new sub-orbital passenger jet, two rival test pilots fall in love. Can they keep their budding romance from their husbands?

4. All life below the shimmering locusts' exoskeletons could cease to exist if Jack and Jill do not get up the hill fast enough with DDT, and expose the sun--above the shimmering sky.

5. Three desperate men and a love-starved camel set off on an impossible quest beneath the burning sands of a world turned upside-down.

6. Dustin, a sardine who feels trapped in his school, builds a capsule to help him become the first sardine to fly above the shimmering sky.


Original Version

Dear Ms. Speltagnet,

What if, on a calm day near the beach, a friend's death and police suspicion raised a carnival-house mirror to separate a new life from your old? [What if we start this query with the second sentence?] What if your other friends and coworkers remained precisely whom you'd thought them to be—but with agendas askew, their focus suddenly obscure? [I meant the third sentence.] Would it mean you had fallen into a new world, beyond the looking-glass? Or…could you have simply missed the truth all along? [You're blaming this on me?]

Owen Tremaine, 28-year-old founder of a small software company in Corpus Christi, Texas, has spent the last year trying to reinvent himself as a private investigator. But he never expected to need his new skills quite so badly. When his past reaches out to pull him back, the stakes include not only his own life and the lives of those he loves but also the fate of a missing 12-year-old girl, the future of personal security on the Internet, and the hopes of a supposedly extinct people. [The fate of Cro-Magnon Man rests in his hands.] The story encompasses cutting-edge software development, implications of recent anti-terror legislation, and a unique interpretation of local Native American history. In ABOVE THE SHIMMERING SKY (102,000 words), JAWS meets THE NET…via WOLFEN. [Jaws? Are there sharks? You haven't mentioned any sharks. Sharks would definitely improve this book. So would a wolfman. Is there a wolfman?] [If there's a wolfman in a book, it should be stated clearly, up front; it's sure to be a major selling point, and you don't want it getting lost in all the boring personal security, implications of legislation, and software development crap.] [In fact, here's what I recommend: keep the sharks and the wolfman--make it two wolfmen, in fact--dump the software/private eye guy, and add some zombies, a brutal eunuch, a few ruthless vigilante sorcerers, and the Pooka of Leinster.] [You're probably thinking, But that would make it a completely different book! Exactly!]

Technical elements of the plot are based on my nearly two decades of professional software development experience, ranging from several startups to Dell Computers and a telemedicine project for the Alaska Native Tribal Health Consortium. I have been visiting Corpus Christi for years, and have fallen in love with the area. My professional writing experience to date has been business-related, including advertising copy, press releases, technical documentation and one privately published "how-to" book (ghost-written very quickly for a client who had inadvertently shown the title in an infomercial). I have a second novel (PAGAN SECTS) in progress. [Change the title to Pagan Sex, and you'll quintuple your sales.]

I found your listiings at AgentQuery.com and PublishersMarket.com, "Googled" your agency, and thought I might introduce myself. I see this project as commercial suspense with an underlying element of the supernatural (think Dean Koontz, though I make no claims as to quality). [Meaning it's not necessarily as good as Koontz? Or not necessarily as bad?]

Please let me know if you would like to see the manuscript, or a portion thereof. I also have a two-page synopsis available.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Not for the first time, we're given no plot to work with. Here's what I actually recommend. Start with these two sentences:

Owen Tremaine, 28-year-old founder of a small software company in Corpus Christi, Texas, has spent the last year trying to reinvent himself as a private investigator. But he never expected to need his new skills so badly.

Now comes the part you aren't going to like: tell us what happened! What requires the use of his new skills? Is the missing girl his case? Is there a villain trying to destroy the Internet? Is there a seemingly insurmountable obstacle Owen must overcome to save the world? After you tell us the main things that happen in the book, if there's still some space, you can list a few boring things the book encompasses, and add:

Technical elements of the plot are based on my nearly two decades of professional software development experience, ranging from several startups, to Dell Computers, to a telemedicine project for the Alaska Native Tribal Health Consortium.

But leave out the parts about Jaws and Wolfen and Dean Koontz.

Face-Lift 67

Guess the Plot

Spitting Image

1. A prescient elderly woman, spitting into a dish, witnesses the murder of her neighbor in the phlegm.

2. A homicide detective with amnesia is accused of three murders, including that of his mother.

3. Washed up punk rock star Johnny Stompinator never wanted an illegitimate son... especially not one climbing the easy listening charts!

4. Juanita plans to be the first llama with an exhibit in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Only a jealous art teacher blocks her way.

5. When the Mona Lisa comes to life, she's rather crass. Authorities must find a way to stop her from spitting on everyone in the Louvre.

6. A stutterer overcomes his disability and his cleft palate to become a world-renowned mouth model.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Trust is hard earned and easily broken…

Spokane City Major Crimes detective, Doug Holt, the main character of my 104, 000 word novel, SPITTING IMAGE, learns the truth of this statement when he wakes in the cab of his truck, bruised and blood-spattered, to find his gun and badge missing, along with a good chunk of his memory. [If Evil Editor woke up in the cab of his truck, blood spattered, etc., his thought process would be something like:

Hmm? Where am I? Ah. My truck. Must have fallen aslee-WHAT'S ALL THIS BLOOD?!! HELP!! I'M BLEEDING!! Was I in an accident? Can't remember anything. What the . . . Better look under shirt, see how bad it is. No! Might see guts hanging out. Stay awake. So cold. Maybe it's pig's blood. Did I gut a pig last night? Think, man . . . Should I call 911? Maybe I should drive myself to the hospital. Oh, God, I'm dying. Don't let me die, please, I'll start going to church, I'll apologize to Laurie Ann, I'll start reading queries and requesting manuscripts, I'll never utter another curse word . . . Hey! Where the fuck's my goddamn gun?!! Am I shot? HELP!! I'M DYING!! I don't wanna die. It's over. Everyone's gotta go sometime. But I at least wanted to live until they canceled House. The greatest character on TV. Him and Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin? What am I talking about? Lois Griffin! If I gotta go, I'm man enough to admit I've fallen in love with a cartoon character. Oh, Lois, Lois . . . Lime Jello. Purple People Eater . . . Stop thinking about crap! Why did I waste so much of my life watching Survivor? The greatest running gag in TV history: the cone of silence, on Get Smart. It never worked! And it wasn't even conical! Wait a minute, they took my gun, did they take my wallet? Nope, still here. Maybe they just took the cash. Nope, twelve dollars. Good. If I come through this, there better not be a scratch on this truck. I wasted my life. I coulda been somebody, if I hadn't laughed at Grisham at the Christmas party. Am I wearing clean underwear? I'd have been at the hospital already if I'd just driven--ninety miles an hour. Why shouldn't I do ninety? I'm dying anyway, I could plow through a fruit stand. No one ever remembers to include the chase scene from What's Up Doc in the list of great movie chase scenes. My foot itches.]

[Note that at no time did I think, Trust is hard earned and easily broken. ] It gets worse. Evidence in three overnight murders, including that of his estranged mother, incriminates Holt. [If you want to frame someone for murder, you don't have to do it three times. I say Holt's guilty.] He's on a fast track to conviction—destination Death Row—with his former colleagues greasing the rails. And he isn't sure they're wrong. Only his wife Marcie remains loyal. With her blessing, Doug flees in pursuit of answers, [It's surprising that he's free to flee, if there's evidence he committed three murders. Who told him about this evidence? Seems like only the police would have known, but why would they tell him, and then let him go?] a decision neither of them may live long enough to regret.

Doug and Marcie's campaign to salvage Doug's reputation and their family's future leads to disturbing and near-fatal discoveries. [What, exactly, is a "near-fatal discovery?" Suddenly I'm reminded of Bullwinkle saying, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat," only it turns out to be a shark or a lion or a bear. That's a near-fatal discovery.] [Bullwinkle's rabbit in the hat trick: the second greatest running gag in TV history.] Tormented by doubt, clinging to faith, in a race to save the other, [The other what?] Doug and Marcie wage separate battles against prejudice [In what way are they battling prejudice?] and time, where victory is defined by one's ability to stay alive.

I've had articles published in CANADIAN LIVING MAGAZINE and THE VANCOUVER PROVINCE, British Columbia's best-read news source. I look forward to your reply.


Notes

It's okay. I don't understand why he learns that trust is easily broken if he doesn't even remember what happened, but beyond that, I would simply answer a few of the hanging questions. It's short enough so there's room for some more information.

Face-Lift 40

Guess the Plot

Twenty Palaces

1. Travel Guide to the 20 most visited palaces in the world, including The Palace at Versailles, Buckingham Palace, and the Bombay Palace Indian Restaurant in Philadelphia.

2. Before he can fulfill his quest, crafty barbarian Salmagundi must discover which prince owns the zebra, and which drinks water. When a pretty pickpocket tells him that the prince of the purple palace grows roses and owns a fox, he realizes he has an ally - or a spy.

3. Princess Millie, discontented at home, visits the palaces of the neighboring 19 kingdoms, discovers how each royal family lives, and learns the lesson that home is best. Later, King Billy and Queen Tilly try to convince Princess Millie that a little apartment of her own would be even better.

4. A reporter sets out to discover what Saddam spent all that oil money on, if it wasn't WMDs.

5. A walking tour of Tower Road in Beverly Hills, with photos of the homes of such stars as Jay Leno, George Hamilton, and Jack Lemmon.

6. The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, is out to kill Jon, a recently cured paraplegic whose recovery spells danger.


Original Version

Dear Query Reader,

I am seeking representation for my novel, a 93,000-word urban fantasy called Twenty Palaces.

When Raymond Lilly was 13-years-old, he found a loaded gun. Minutes later, his best friend, Jon, was a paraplegic and Ray knew he'd done a wrong he could never set right.

Now, fifteen years later, Jon has been miraculously cured.

As the public furor surrounding this mysterious recovery grows--Jon is the target of a fraud investigation, he's hounded by journalists, and terminally ill people have camped out on his lawn hoping to share his cure--Ray discovers that his friend is also being hunted. [By some fairly inept hunters, apparently, as they can't seem to catch a guy who can't walk.] The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, [Just when you think you're reading a query for another depressing, heart-rending, mind-numbing literary fiction tome, up jump a team of ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] believe Jon's cure is dangerous. They intend to destroy him [ Some people just can't win. Fifteen years in a wheelchair, you miraculously get cured, and before you take your first step, you're being hunted by ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] and they don't care who they have to hurt to do it. [Which explains why they call themselves ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]

Driven by his need to repay his friend for the injury he caused, Ray does his best to protect Jon from the vigilantes. [Vigilantes? No, no, they're not just vigilantes, they're Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers.] [Evil Editor could type the phrase "ruthless vigilante sorcerers" all day.] [Maybe that should be the title of the book.] He steals a book of spells from one of them and uses it, and their mutual dislike of each other, to trick them into turning on each other. [Nothing is more satisfying than turning the tables on ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]

But while Ray drives the members of the society toward a violent confrontation with each other, Jon begins to display inhuman strength and speed... and a hunger that can only be satisfied with human flesh. [Whoa, this gets better all the time. Evil Editor would like to suggest an even better title: Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers Versus SuperCannibal.] Furthermore, Jon has already shared his "healing" spell with others, creating more just like him. [More super-powered cannibals? Do they all have the same super powers, or is it more like a Justice League of Super Cannibals, with SuperCannibal, Biteman, Anthropophagus, Maneater, Lectero, etc.?]

Ray quickly realizes the vigilantes were right about Jon's cure. [Don't you just hate it when ruthless vigilante sorcerers turn out to be right, and you turn out to be wrong?] Can he find the source of the spell and undo it without killing his friend? Can he save the life and humanity of the one person who means more to him than anyone else, even if it means taking away the use of his legs a second time? [No. One guy has no chance against the Justice League of Super Cannibals; however, if Ray teams up with the Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers, there's hope for the world.]

I have sold three stories to Black Gate magazine, most recently "Soldiers of a Dying God," which will come out in their tenth issue this summer. I have also sold a story to On Spec.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

A revised version wouldn't be much different. That Jon's transformation was caused by a spell might be mentioned earlier. Maybe this should be a graphic novel.

Evil Editor would suggest leaving out the part about Jon and his buddies hungering for human flesh, but he supposes that if an author insists on an army of super-powered cannibals, he has an obligation to prepare his agent in advance.

Face-Lift 26

Guess the Plot

Ascanthia

1. Amy's Mom is horrified to discover she's picked up . . . ascanthia of the anus! Who else had Amy's Dad been with?

2. Acanthia is the hottest nightclub in town, until a shoot-out between rival boy-bands leaves four patrons dead. Ricky, a boy-bander with a heart of gold, struggles to prove his innocence with the help of his greatest fan.

3. A new online video game hypnotizes kids, leading them to believe they can fly. When gravity intrudes and parents complain, the manufacturer enlists the help of the ACLU in defending their rights.

4. It's up to Ken Randall to keep the evil vice president of a nearby city from using a magic gem that could destroy the world known as . . . Ascanthia.

5. In the fantastic jeweled city of Ascanthia, the child-ruler Atrasius must rouse a decadent populace and circumvent a corrupt senate, before the nomad queen Amarantha and her ruthless Askazi tribesmen reach the city's gates.

6. After Ascanthia escapes her dysfunctional and over-educated family by moving to the big city, only to find that her blue-collar workmates are just as messed-up, she parlays her common-sense approach to life into Internet success with the pseudonymous advice blog Ask Anthea.


Original Version

Dear Agent Nameless:

In the world of Ascanthia, all living creatures possess a great power called Energy. However, not all Energy is created equal. Strict regulations are placed on the use of Energy, and different Energies have different levels of respect. [It's always hard to critique these books in which the God-like Author creates a world that isn't governed by the usual natural order.

EE: "You're saying even roaches and toads and barnacles have this great power? That's ridiculous."

GLA: "And yet, in Ascanthia, it is thus."

EE: "Seems like it would be impossible to strictly regulate the use of Energy, when all living creatures have it."

GLA: "And yet, in Ascanthia, it is thus."

EE: "What if a cow misuses its Energy? Do they send it to the slaughterhouse? Do different species regulate their own? Or do people regulate the Energy use of all species? What do you mean by "levels of respect?" People with level 9 Energy respect thumb their noses at people with level 7 Energy respect? Can a healthy possum's Energy have a higher level of respect than a sick human's? If your dog's Energy has a higher respect level than your own, does he--"

GLA: "Asshole." ]

While most people accept these categories without thought, Ken Randall fights against his own label, positive that he is more than people believe. ["4?!! Why, I'm a level 6 on my worst day!"] However, when Ken's life turns upside down, and everything he thought was true becomes false, [For instance, he finds that his world is not called Ascanthia, but Connecticut, that he lives in New Haven, and his name is not Ken Randall, but Gargantua, Lord of the Dark Realm.] his objective changes to save the entirety of Ascanthia. [What is Ascanthia? A planet? A country?]

Ken learns of a mysterious gem, containing the power to steal an individual's Energy, leaving them as a mindless, violent puppet, controlled by the gem's possessor. When rumors appear that the vice president of a nearby city obtained the gem and plans to use it, [This is the threat menacing all of Ascanthia? That some guy is going to steal some other guy's Energy?] [Move the story from Ascanthia to Earth, and you've got the plot of Prison Break.] Ken is asked to stop the danger. [Ken is asked? The entire world is threatened, and they ask a lousy Level 4 Energy respect guy to handle it? They're out of their minds!] [And yet, so it is . . . on Ascanthia.] Knowing this fight could finally prove him as a hero, Ken accepts and begins an epic journey with his best friends to defeat evil. [An epic journey to a nearby city.] breaking into a church and battling a lethal monster in the process. [There's no way a lethal monster could be defeated by a guy named Ken. On Earth or on Ascanthia. Thus it has been professed by Evil Editor.]

I would be pleased to send you a complete copy of my manuscript for Ascanthia (word approx. 54,200) if you would be interested. I am also inquiring at a couple other agencies as well. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.


Evil Editor regrets that he doesn't know enough about Ascanthia to create a useful revised version of the query; however, perhaps the following could be adapted to the Ascanthian universe:

Revised Version

Dear Agent Nameless:

Ken Randall has been a lowly mail clerk in the basement of Ascanthia Corporation's home offices for twenty years. Ken just knows that he deserves to be the head of Shipping and Receiving, but he keeps getting passed over by people whose Education has a higher level of respect. However, when Ken "accidentally" opens a letter marked "Private," intended for the company vice president, and discovers that the vice president is planning a leveraged takeover of Ascanthia Corp., he springs into action. He organizes his fellow mail clerks and makes an epic whistle-blowing journey to the Securities and Exchange Commission, breaking into a brokerage firm and defeating Godzilla in the process. In the end, Ascanthia Corporation is saved, and while Ken remains a lowly mail clerk, he does find a fifty-dollar bonus in his next paycheck.

I would be pleased to send you the complete manuscript (word approx. 54,200). Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Face-Lift 7

Guess the Plot

Crimson Courtship

1. It's Brokeback Mountain on the high seas! Literary favorites Captain Blood and Horatio Hornblower live - and love - once again in this touching thrill ride of action and emotion!

2. They come from different worlds. Can a star quarterback from the University of Alabama ever win the heart of a Harvard editor?

3. An artists' commune in the Roaring 20's sets the standard for the latest crazes in decor and fashionable colors. Last year, it was all about Turquoise Tryst; the year before, Azure Affair. But no one is ready for the furor when Paolo paints his entire lodge red, inside and out.

4. Patricia falls in love with the Earl of Hawksworth. There’s just one problem… he doesn’t know that she is merely a gardener. When he discovers the truth, cruel words fly--until an obsessed serial killer begins stalking Patricia.

5. In this companion book to her best-selling Mauve Marriage and Russet Romance, Designer Lucinda Head explains how you too can have the color coordinated relationship of your dreams.

6. Set against the vibrant backdrop of revolution, Randy Pitts attempts to woo Bolshevik beauty Natasha by growing a truly epic moustache.


Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

I am seeking representation for my novel, Crimson Courtship. It is a historical romance set in Regency London, and is complete at 92,000 words. Also enclosed is a short synopsis and sample chapter.

I have always loved historical romances, especially if there are multiple books connected by common characters. However, I have been frustrated that it always seems to be a group of brothers, or male cousins or friends. [This will be a fascinating topic of conversation at your next Romance Writers of America chapter meeting. In the meantime, let's skip to the part where you tell your prospective agent specifically what it is you've written, so she can skip to the part where she guesses whether it will put any money specifically in her wallet.] In Crimson Courtship and the three books that will follow, the story of each of the women from Hillgate Manor is told.

For a young lady in 1815, being presented to London society is the most exciting time of her life. However, with the sudden death of Patricia’s [Patricia Vandermere's] father, everything changes. She is left penniless and alone, forced to take up residence with an aunt she has never met. There she takes up the post of gardener, [changes her name to Abby Clumm,] and says goodbye to the dream of season of her own.

Fate is working in her favor, when by chance she meets and falls in love with Gordon Bray, Earl of Hawksworth. There’s just one problem… he doesn’t know that she is merely a gardener, and not the lady she has been pretending to be. When Gordon discovers the truth, tempers flare and cruel words fly. Will the two of them reconcile and live happily ever after? Or will an obsessed serial killer have the final say? [KaBoom!!] [Whoa! Where did that come from? You might as well have written, Will they live happily ever after? Or will they step through a wormhole and find themselves in a Turkish prison in the year 2342?] [Will they live happily ever after? Or will an albino crocodile bite off Bray's legs, forcing Patricia to decide between pushing his wheelchair everywhere for the rest of her life, or leaving him and starting a small landscaping business?] [Is there an obsessed serial killer? If so, you might consider mentioning it a bit earlier than the last sentence. Try the first sentence: My novel, Crimson Courtship, is the story of the worst month of Patricia Vandermere's life: first her father dies, then her rhododendrons die, then she meets and falls in love with Hannibal Lecter.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will be happy to provide additional material upon request. [How did you manage to write a query letter for a regency romance without using the word "ton"?]

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Note to author: use only the red-colored phrases that apply correctly to your novel, and ignore the others. Evil Editor wasn't sure which section of the book the obsessed serial killer was in.


Dear Literary Agent,

I am seeking representation for my novel, Crimson Courtship, a historical romance set in Regency London. This is the story of Patricia Vandermere, of Hillgate Manor, and of the obsessed serial killer stalking her.

For a young lady in 1815, being presented to "the ton" is the most exciting time of her life. But not for Patricia Vandermere. With the sudden death of her father at the hands of a serial killer obsessed with wiping out his entire family, Patricia is left penniless and alone, forced to take up residence with an aunt she has never met, an aunt who proves to be an obsessed serial killer. There she accepts the post of gardener, and says goodbye to the dream of a season of her own.

Fate is working in her favor, when by chance she meets and falls in love with Gordon Bray, Earl of Hawksworth, and, unknown to Patricia, an obsessed serial killer. There’s just one problem… he doesn’t know that she is merely a gardener, and not the lady she has been pretending to be. When Gordon discovers the truth, tempers flare and cruel words fly. Will the two of them reconcile and live happily ever after? Or will an obsessed serial killer have the final say?

Crimson Courtship is complete at 92,000 words. It is the first in a series of novels, but unlike most romance series, which seem to focus on groups of men, be they brothers or male cousins, or obsessed serial killers, this series will tell the stories of the four women of Highgate Manor, and of the obsessed serial killer who stalks them all.

Thank you for your time and consideration. A short synopsis and sample chapter are enclosed; I will be happy to provide additional material upon request.

Sincerely,


Notes

Since you are telling the stories of the women of Highgate Manor, you might mention that Highgate Manor is the Earl's home, or the aunt's, or Patricia's father's. Or mention who the other women of Highgate Manor are, in relation to Patricia.

Would Patricia pretend to be a lady if she had really said goodbye to the dream of a season of her own?

Evil Editor hopes there's a serial killer, as without one, there doesn't seem to be much to distinguish this from what Evil Editor imagines other regency romances would be like, if he actually read them.