Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Guess the Plot
1. A prescient elderly woman, spitting into a dish, witnesses the murder of her neighbor in the phlegm.
2. A homicide detective with amnesia is accused of three murders, including that of his mother.
3. Washed up punk rock star Johnny Stompinator never wanted an illegitimate son... especially not one climbing the easy listening charts!
4. Juanita plans to be the first llama with an exhibit in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Only a jealous art teacher blocks her way.
5. When the Mona Lisa comes to life, she's rather crass. Authorities must find a way to stop her from spitting on everyone in the Louvre.
6. A stutterer overcomes his disability and his cleft palate to become a world-renowned mouth model.
Dear Evil Editor,
Trust is hard earned and easily broken…
Spokane City Major Crimes detective, Doug Holt, the main character of my 104, 000 word novel, SPITTING IMAGE, learns the truth of this statement when he wakes in the cab of his truck, bruised and blood-spattered, to find his gun and badge missing, along with a good chunk of his memory. [If Evil Editor woke up in the cab of his truck, blood spattered, etc., his thought process would be something like:
Hmm? Where am I? Ah. My truck. Must have fallen aslee-WHAT'S ALL THIS BLOOD?!! HELP!! I'M BLEEDING!! Was I in an accident? Can't remember anything. What the . . . Better look under shirt, see how bad it is. No! Might see guts hanging out. Stay awake. So cold. Maybe it's pig's blood. Did I gut a pig last night? Think, man . . . Should I call 911? Maybe I should drive myself to the hospital. Oh, God, I'm dying. Don't let me die, please, I'll start going to church, I'll apologize to Laurie Ann, I'll start reading queries and requesting manuscripts, I'll never utter another curse word . . . Hey! Where the fuck's my goddamn gun?!! Am I shot? HELP!! I'M DYING!! I don't wanna die. It's over. Everyone's gotta go sometime. But I at least wanted to live until they canceled House. The greatest character on TV. Him and Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin? What am I talking about? Lois Griffin! If I gotta go, I'm man enough to admit I've fallen in love with a cartoon character. Oh, Lois, Lois . . . Lime Jello. Purple People Eater . . . Stop thinking about crap! Why did I waste so much of my life watching Survivor? The greatest running gag in TV history: the cone of silence, on Get Smart. It never worked! And it wasn't even conical! Wait a minute, they took my gun, did they take my wallet? Nope, still here. Maybe they just took the cash. Nope, twelve dollars. Good. If I come through this, there better not be a scratch on this truck. I wasted my life. I coulda been somebody, if I hadn't laughed at Grisham at the Christmas party. Am I wearing clean underwear? I'd have been at the hospital already if I'd just driven--ninety miles an hour. Why shouldn't I do ninety? I'm dying anyway, I could plow through a fruit stand. No one ever remembers to include the chase scene from What's Up Doc in the list of great movie chase scenes. My foot itches.]
[Note that at no time did I think, Trust is hard earned and easily broken. ] It gets worse. Evidence in three overnight murders, including that of his estranged mother, incriminates Holt. [If you want to frame someone for murder, you don't have to do it three times. I say Holt's guilty.] He's on a fast track to conviction—destination Death Row—with his former colleagues greasing the rails. And he isn't sure they're wrong. Only his wife Marcie remains loyal. With her blessing, Doug flees in pursuit of answers, [It's surprising that he's free to flee, if there's evidence he committed three murders. Who told him about this evidence? Seems like only the police would have known, but why would they tell him, and then let him go?] a decision neither of them may live long enough to regret.
Doug and Marcie's campaign to salvage Doug's reputation and their family's future leads to disturbing and near-fatal discoveries. [What, exactly, is a "near-fatal discovery?" Suddenly I'm reminded of Bullwinkle saying, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat," only it turns out to be a shark or a lion or a bear. That's a near-fatal discovery.] [Bullwinkle's rabbit in the hat trick: the second greatest running gag in TV history.] Tormented by doubt, clinging to faith, in a race to save the other, [The other what?] Doug and Marcie wage separate battles against prejudice [In what way are they battling prejudice?] and time, where victory is defined by one's ability to stay alive.
I've had articles published in CANADIAN LIVING MAGAZINE and THE VANCOUVER PROVINCE, British Columbia's best-read news source. I look forward to your reply.
It's okay. I don't understand why he learns that trust is easily broken if he doesn't even remember what happened, but beyond that, I would simply answer a few of the hanging questions. It's short enough so there's room for some more information.