Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1474 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear [Agent],

 

THE JOURNEY TO THE END OF THINGS is a contemporary fantasy, complete at 94k words. This [It] will appeal to readers who liked the blend of modern society with Greek mythology in Abigail Owen’s The Games the Gods Play and Netflix’s Kaos, 

the folklore-steeped expedition of Veronica Roth’s When Among Crows and the twisted fairytale of T. Kingfisher’s Nettle and Bone. Though intended as a standalone, it has potential for expansion. [I see the first change you've made is to devote most of your first paragraph to stories other than the one you've created.]

 

No one’s [ever] escaped the Underworld before but that won’t stop Sam Katopodis from trying.

 

After a fatal hit-and-run, Sam wakes on the shores of the Styx expecting to be damned to Tartarus. What other afterlife could there be for someone who exposed their father to the virus that killed him? But Sam soon learns her death was a mistake. Instead of eternal suffering, a sympathetic Hades offers her a deal she can’t refuse. She’ll have three days to find her father, make amends for his death, and return to the Styx for her resurrection. However, if time runs out, she’ll be trapped in the realm forever. [And she accepts these terms because Hades would never go back on his word. It's not like the offer came from Donald Trump.] [Apologies to all the MAGA people who visit this site for tips on the scholarly books they're writing.]

 

Though [But] Sam wants more than the chance to say goodbye, devising a scheme [She wants] to reunite her family by rescuing her father instead.

 

[Which would be easier] If only she knew where he was, something Hades refuses to disclose. [I'd put that sentence on the end of the previous one.] Luckily, she catches the eye of Pollux, a demigod who’s spent centuries exploring the realm with his deceased brother. Sam and Pollux journey across the Underworld, fleeing land sirens in Tartarus and searching through the Library of Alexandria. But everywhere they look is another dead end. [Unless the Underworld is the size of Alexandria, rather than a vast, near-infinite realm of despair, specifically mentioning the Library seems odd. It's like saying you journeyed across North America, searching the Library of  Congress. If you must mention the Library (which seems unnecessary if that's not where they find Dad), mention why they search it, like Dad was an ancient history buff.] [Not sure what land sirens are, but if they're the sirens in The Odyssey, you don't need to flee them. Just put on your noise-canceling earbuds.] 

 

When Sam finds herself falling for Pollux, she realizes their budding romance could be the very thing to get in the way of finding her father and reaching the Styx before time runs out. [Surely they can make time for a quickie.] Though a return to the surface would ultimately mean breaking her own heart, she will stop at nothing to give her father a second shot at life. In the end, she must decide how much she’d give to fix her mistakes [What mistakes? If you mean the mistake of giving her father the virus, a return to the surface won't fix that, unless she can also go back in time.] and whether her redemption is worth a soul – maybe even her own. 

 

This story came about after losing my father during the pandemic while battling my own chronic immune deficiency. My background is in academia, having completed an LL.B. and MSc International Relations at the University of Glasgow before receiving my Juris Doctorate at UCLA in 2020. I currently live in [city] with my partner and our cat, Nyx. This is my first novel.

Notes

This clears up a few of the issues from the previous version. I'm not clear on why she accepts that her father is in the Underworld. She seems to take it for granted.