Shukari is back, and looking for feedback.
When Shukari’s parents are cursed with mysterious conditions that precede certain death, she demands justice. [Demands it from . . . the court? Law enforcement? Maybe just say she wants justice.] If she can find the culprit, she might wring from them a cure. So, she joins a force dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic. They’ll support her goals, if she helps others in return, including protecting eco-cities from crooked mages and violent creatures. [So they're dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic . . . except those committed against people unwilling or unable to take on mages and monsters. Nice.] Deal. But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience wears thin.
After too long, she learns where to get key info for her mission. [Her personal mission or the eco-city protecting mission?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus won’t stop her. Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not [Tantalus isn't] talking, and only after failing to catch him does she find the same magic behind the curse [that cursed her parents] is vital to completing new superweapons that have the black market salivating.
Fighting arms dealers and traitors alike, Shukari soon secures the prototype needed to base [model?] the weapons on. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans [offers?] a trade Tantalus can’t resist: give her a [the?] cure and he gets it [the prototype] back. Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But outsmarting a master dealmaker will be tougher than any rampaging monster, and Shukari is putting more than just her parents’ lives on the line.
VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN.
Notes
I think this clears up a lot of issues. But Shukari's apparent ability to protect eco-cities from mages and violent creatures, and to outsmart a master dealmaker (which is even tougher), isn't explained. She
seems to be Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Witch rolled into one, but no mention is made that she has any super or magical powers.
1 comment:
Hey author, nice improvements!
You probably don't need the work "all" in "addressing all abuses of magic", especially since it looks like it's qualified anyway. And if it's all either there aren't many or people are going to be excessively overworked to the point they won't have time to do all.
If it's not a prototype weapon, maybe describe it as a prototype key component for the superweapons? Although it may need to be the prototype and the plans and the person(s) who invented/worked on them had better now be dead so T actually needs them? Otherwise, her having a prototype is more an issue of possible selling to the competition.
Also, does this prototype have anything to do with the curse or cure? It almost sounds like it should but she's not looking to derive a cure off it herself (whether because it isn't or she doesn't have the resources?) <- may not be important
hope this helps
good luck
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