Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1494 would like feedback on the following version of the query

Dear {Agent},

Four deaths quietly bob in the wake of a noble vigilante – overlooked because homicides just don’t happen in Camden, New Hampshire.

 

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be, but he wasn’t thought to be the suicidal type.  Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – which is ironic, because he was a firefighter.  Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can figure out the source of what seemed to have poisoned her.  Odd that the mysterious man who appeared at The Lounge one summer afternoon and flirted from the barstool next to her is never seen in the place again.  And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident. [I like this better than giving each death a paragraph, but because there is substantial variation in suicide "types" and I don't think it's at all odd that someone goes into a specific bar once and never returns, I think the following abridged version would be fine, as all you're trying to say is the 4 bobbing deaths are seemingly unrelated.]

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be. Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – ironic, because he was a firefighter. Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can determine the source of what poisoned her. And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident.]

 

Meet John Pierce:  husband, father, police detective.  When he stumbles on information years later that flags [connects all] four deaths as [possible] homicides perpetrated by a most unlikely culprit, John wishes he could leave things buried. [He wishes he could leave things buried because: it'll mean a ton of paperwork? The culprit is his best friend or a fellow cop? He has already determined that all four victims deserved to die? Probably not the latter, as he hasn't unraveled the scheme yet.] But his oath was to uphold and enforce the law.  He picks at the thread and unravels a scheme intended to settle the [a?] score and give closure to an innocent girl.  While stopping the vigilante may save the life of the vigilante’s one remaining target – the evil man who initiated the attack against the innocent girl – it will also come at a searing cost. [If the searing cost is something besides that the villain will still be alive, and the vigilante will be punished, what is it?]

 

CLOSURE, a 96,000-word reality-based whodunit, might appeal to fans of Joseph Wambaugh and John Grisham, and to viewers of The Wire and Southland. [Those TV shows don't focus specifically on getting revenge for the innocent by taking out their tormentors. The Equalizer (as your cop) and Dexter (as your vigilante, sort of) do.] [From Google AI: A popular novel where a cop hunts a vigilante is "Vigilante" by Stephen J. Cannell, which follows a detective who is tasked with finding a vigilante who is targeting criminals. ]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Notes

Shortening the first paragraph gives you room to elaborate on the crime or the scheme or who the unlikely culprit is.