Guess the Plot
Valistry
1. After writing in the wrong computer code, James enters the world of Valistry, in the role of the villain's top henchman. Chaos ensues.
2. It's a city under siege from monsters and mages, and it's up to one woman to protect the innocents. Too bad she's got her own agenda: a personal revenge tour.
3. It's time to save the world again, but all the heroes at the Valistry agency have their hands full with death (The Reapers Agency) and taxes (Big Brother Ltd.). Can intern Annie-Jay step up to the plate or will it be WWIII trenches all over again?
4. The memoir of a wannabe author who posted their novel on the web only to discover real publishers were then unwilling to publish it. Also, CliffsNotes.
5. When Sally finds the obituary of her childhood BFF Claire in the morning paper, she thinks back over the petty feuds that eventually drove them apart. Each chapter recounts a story from their past, from PTA meeting squabbles to college roommate spats to fighting over a boy in high school. So many things they should have forgiven each other for. Except that Scrabble triple-word score crap Claire tried to pull. What kind of a word is "Valistry"? Good riddance, bitch.
Original Version
Upstart guilder Shukari is sick of putting her wants below others. Risking her skin against monsters in metal forests and crooked mages in eco-cities don’t give leads to her parents’ murders. [Nitpick: If she's risking her skin against monsters and mages, "don't" should be "doesn't." If it's only the monsters she's risking her skin against, maybe add a verb in front of the mages, like "outsmarting" or "battling."] Yes, she loves protecting people, but she really joined the Guild for its networking. Tough quests paired with dead-ends are testing her patience. But without better options, what else does one do but grin and bear it?
Finally, she discovers groundbreaking info about the case. The catch? It belongs to arms ring leader Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, who’s wanted dead or alive. And when Shukari tries “alive” for her own goals, she realizes Tantalus used himself as bait—and rigged the structure they’re in to collapse. Innocents and guildmates get hurt, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. [When you say she discovers groundbreaking info, I assume she has it or knows what it is, not that someone else has it. More likely is: When she hears that arms dealer Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, has crucial info about her parents' case, she tracks down the criminal. But she quickly realizes that he used himself as bait--and . . . ]
One write-up [reprimand?] later, Shukari is given a choice, shape up or ship out—and risk her parents’ case staying cold. Deal. She knows capturing Tantalus is an easy path to penance. She’ll need a sharp wit to do so and a sharper spear to fight crooks invested in his success. With allies and enemies watching her every move, [This may be the path to penance, but it doesn't sound "easy" to me.] she wants to prove herself just and complete the mission of her life. But as many more innocents are threatened, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [She'll need a spear sharper than her wit? Or sharper than the spear she uses to kill monsters? This must be a metaphorical spear. Fighting with a spear doesn't seem to belong in a world where terms like networking and rap sheets and eco-city are commonly used.]
VALISTRY (105,000 words) is Norse Science Fantasy. An Adult standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast, it will appeal to fans of the setting in John Gwynne’s THE SHADOW OF THE GODS shaped by magic and science like M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN.
Notes
It's not clear why she must choose between protecting innocents and avenging her parents. Especially if those attacking the innocents are the murderers. She can protect innocents when they're being attacked, and work her parents' case during lulls in the attacks.
I'm not sure what an upstart guilder is, even after reading this. Apparently there's this guild whose members are given death-defying quests in order to protect people from those who would attack them for no obvious reason. Do monsters and mages only attack innocents?
Here's a slightly more succinct first paragraph:
Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect people from the monsters and crooked mages in her eco-city, but the main reason she joined the Protection Guild was to get leads that would help solve her parents' murder. Now death-defying missions paired with dead-end leads are testing her patience. But without better options, what does one do but grin and bear it?
This read okay to begin with, so feel free to ignore my suggestions. Most people do.
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