Face-Lift 1487

Guess the Plot

Children of Nemia

1. They aren't really children, and don't actually belong to Nemia, but it's not worth explaining camouflaged aliens investigating Earth when a new reality show about single mothers raising families is about to hold auditions.

2. Returning home on Nemia, after reaching adulthood, Van hopes to prove himself to his father. But nothing has prepared him to face off against . . .Cosmic Horrors from Other Worlds!

3. After returning from the wardrobe, the children . . .  Wait, wrong book.

4. A mysterious plague has killed off everyone who has reached maturity. Can Branch, Missy, and Shorty find a cure before they grow up? Or is this another Children of the Corn situation?

5. Nemia’s estranged daughter, Amy, returns home for the reading of her cold-hearted mother's will. Chaos erupts when another child is named in the will: an illegitimate son named John, from before Nemia’s loveless marriage. With ownership of the family home, the asset portfolio, and the riverside farmland ripe for development at stake, Amy devises a plan to oust John. But John has no intention of being Amy’s victim. Which of the children of Nemia will be her true heir?

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Van's been honing his skills all his life in anticipation of the pilgrimage, but nothing could prepare him to face off against cosmic horrors from other worlds, and the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love, which sometimes go hand in hand. [It's not clear whether you're saying that uninvited awkwardness goes hand in hand with adolescent love, or the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love goes hand in hand with cosmic horrors from other worlds. Either way, you can fix this by putting the love part first and the horrors second. And you don't need the hand in hand part.]

Returning home from the Journey of Patronage marks the beginning of adulthood for all members of the tribe, and for years Van has dreamed of proving himself to his father the chieftain, and his oldest friend the tribe's First Ranger. As he travels the lands of his people he'll confront old mysteries with grave implications about what he was raised to believe, and in order to survive and save lives he'll need to learn who to trust and what that trust means. [That last sentence is vague. Give specific examples of this stuff.] [Wait, was that the end of the plot summary? What about the adolescent love? WHAT ABOUT THE COSMIC HORRORS FROM OTHER WORLDS?! The cosmic horrors are the most interesting part of the plot, and you drop it like an anvil from the sky.] [Oh, well, as you managed to describe your plot in three sentences, I'll assume it's a really short book, so maybe I'll take a look, just to find out about the cosmic horrors.] 

A story that introduces a world, CHILDREN OF NEMIA is a 216,000 word [WTF?!! That's two or three books. Admittedly, it's only 28% of the length of the Bible, but the Bible is 66 books. You can't expect an agent, and each of the editors they send your book to, to read 216,000 words in hopes that the cosmic horrors aren't a total letdown. How many forests would have to be chopped down to provide the paper for a few thousand copies? There's a reason the first Harry Potter book was the shortest one. You'll need to find a place near the 80,000 word mark to end this book, and make the rest of it book 2.] high fantasy adventure and will be the debut novel of my chronology and setting. [According to the internet, the "setting" is the time, place, and duration of a story, so no need to specify your "chronology."] In researching your agency's recent deals and publication catalog I felt you might be interested in the kinds of stories I'm hoping to tell.

I'm an aspiring American writer living in Bloomington, Indiana. I grew up inspired by masters of fantasy and sci-fi like Garth Nix and Philip K. Dick, [Neither of whom ever published a novel close to the length of yours, even after they were established stars.] beloved RPG titles like Final Fantasy and Mass Effect, and lifelong friendships built playing Dungeons & Dragons after school. I am and always will be in love with storytelling. 

Thanks for your time and consideration,

Notes

Is the whole book based around Van trying to prove himself to the chieftain and First Ranger? You haven't provided examples of anything Van does to prove himself. Things like battling cosmic horrors from outer space and asking his crush out on a date. Also, you'd think if First Ranger gets capitalized, so would chieftain.

You might mention the First Ranger's name, unless it's just as boring as Van.

Mostly, we want to know what happens. Surely something happens in those 216,000 words. Who doesn't want Van to succeed in whatever his goal is, and what's Van's plan to succeed anyway? What will happen if he fails?