Face-Lift 1465

Guess the Plot

Kingdom of the Dead

1. A quasi-non-fiction look at everything needed for a functioning society, brought to you by zombies, skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, etc. Also, politics, pest control, and what happens in sunlight.

2. When Stella accepted the Vampire King's marriage proposal, it was just because he could help her find her missing father. She certainly didn't expect to actually fall for the big [undead] lug. 

3. The Kingdom next to their own has always been ruled by the dead. Necromancer Gristly now just has to figure out if there is another necromancer in charge of the place or if something stranger has been going on.

4. When Willard finds a portal to another dimension, he's hoping for a vacation far away in a place without huge problems, and maybe some quaint talking animals. Instead he finds empty streets, empty houses, empty stores, an empty palace.... It's all pretty dead.

5. The zombies didn't have the foresight to realize that once they'd killed all the humans, there's be no more living human brains to feast on. But then they discover that dolphin, ape, dog and octopus brains are even more advanced than human brains--and more delicious.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The following is the synopsis of Kingdom of the Dead. [This has the elements of a query letter, except it doesn't include the word count. A synopsis would include more plot elements. (No need to start by saying the following is a query letter for...)]

**A witch. An assassin. A Queen.**  [Who is the villain in Snow White?]

Stella Blackburn once feared monsters under her bed; now she is the nightmare every child dreads. A witch and an assassin, hunted by her own kin for crimes that forced her into hiding, she cloaks herself in shadows and enchantments. Years after believing her father dead, her dying master reveals he is alive. Now she has learned that he is imprisoned by the one spreading a malady [plague?] across kingdoms.

**The clock is ticking, the blood is running out.** [What was the last thing the Abominable Dr,                                                                                                Phibes said to Dr. Longstreet?]

The malady ravages the vampire kingdom, offering Stella her best chance to find its source. Yet, witches are loathed in those lands, and assassin or not, she won't survive long there. The Vampire King proposes a marriage, promising her safety within his castle and a joint effort to unearth the cause and the person responsible. But nothing is as simple as bargains, marriages, and blood. [I think that sentence says the opposite of what you think it says. Maybe just say she agrees to the marriage, though it means . . . What? What's the catch?] Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father, even confront the prophecy foretold to her at fifteen. For seven years, she has run from it, but now, it may be time to embrace her destiny. [She agrees to the marriage, though it means becoming/marrying a vampire, as foretold in a prophecy she's been running from since she was fifteen.] 

**Hearts are at stake, lies unravel.** [What happens in Interview with the Vampire?]

The Vampire King and his court defy her expectations. [What were her expectations? Are the king & court worse than she expected or better?] He has a manner with words that alone make her question her sanity, [Is it the words or his manner with them that . . . ? If the latter, the verb should be "makes."] that and his actions are worse. She refuses to accept that his behavior is anything more than vampire charm meant to unnerve her, because their marriage is a means to an end. So why does she have to remind herself not to waver at his words? Stella has no intention of staying with the King or living with the dead—or so she thought. Each day reminds her of her father’s agony, yet with the King and his court, those days are when she feels most alive. Every night she must remind herself that nothing—specially [especially] the Vampire King and his world of darkness that draws her in like vampire to blood—matters until she finds her father.

But unveiled secrets and a looming betrayal could shift her world even more than the King.

Kingdom of the Dead is an Adult Fantasy Romance, perfect for readers who like fast-pacing, secrets, dark elements, and swoon-worthy romance. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[I have never posted a query letter to an agent so I am wondering if the above will be enough  Also, should I be adding that it is Dark fantasy too? Or is adult fantasy enough?] Dark fantasy is probably a good description. Adult is assumed unless it's otherwise stated, or it's about cute talking bunnies. As for romance, while there are hints of romantic elements (She questions her sanity, wavers at his words, feels most alive with the King and his court) those don't seem strong enough to suggest to me that it's a romance, swoon-worthy or not.

Notes

Nothing matters until she finds her father, she would sacrifice anything to find him, but there's almost nothing in here about what she's doing to find him. What's her plan? What's preventing her from doing it? 

If you could condense the first two paragraphs, which set up the situation, into one, and get rid of the Jeopardy answers, something like:

When Stella Blackburn, assassin and witch, learns that her missing father is imprisoned in a nearby kingdom, she wants to rescue him. But she'll need help from the Vampire King, who agrees to help only if she'll marry him. It's a big ask, but Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father.  

. . . you'd have more room to talk about where her dad is, and what's involved in rescuing him, and how she can't help being attracted to the hunky king. 

If you want to emphasize the romantic elements she could almost swoon at his words, rather than question her sanity, which could be interpreted as negative.

Face-Lift 1464

Guess the Plot

Stormbound

1. None of the last seven skiers at a Colorado resort was concerned when a blizzard rolled in, trapping them. After all, there was plenty of food and drink to last a week. Then the murders started.

2. The Proctor family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand the storm. What they didn't know was that Grubhub, Door Dash, and Uber Eats would all shut down for weeks.

3. The Osborne family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand even a category 5 hurricane. What they didn't know was that thanks to global warming, hurricanes now also come in categories 6, 7, and 8.

4. When teen sisters Georgie and Lia find their parents went missing during a storm, they mount a rescue operation that brings them into conflict with secret agents and pirates hunting for a treasure that could change the course of history. Luckily, it's summer, so they won't miss any school.

5. For Jack "Twister" Tate, chasing tornadoes isn't just science, it isn't just a hobby--it's an extension of a childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz. Okay, it's also science. That's how he gets funding. But can he keep his true motivation secret from his girlfriend Dorothy? Only his dog Toto knows.

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent, 

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. 

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, Lia knew she would be miserable and alone. [Wait, what? You just said both of them expected a worry-free breeze of a vacation, now you say one of them knows she'll be miserable. Or did you mean she knew she'd be miserable and alone in college?] Georgie saw it as her opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about her tropical home, despite it being abandoned for the past six years. [If you have a vacation home you aren't using, you hire some rental company to keep it occupied and send you money. Not that I ever owned one, but what if the roof leaks or squatters move in or a violent storm destroys it?]

When their parents who work as history professors continuing a research project go missing during a violent storm, the sisters realize they are their parents' only hope for rescuing them [of rescue]– and protecting their research. [Why are they the only hope? Have the people with experience rescuing people given up on them?] [Are they already at the summer house when the parents go missing? In which case the parents are doing this research project in their beach house?]

Following the clues left behind by their mom and step-dad, Lia and Georgie begin to unravel the secrets held within [the?] Florida Keys. They become entangled with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history. [Whoa. The last sentence of the plot summary may not be the best place to reveal that the course of history is at stake. Maybe your first paragraph should be something like:

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. They certainly didn't expect to get involved with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history.]

STORMBOUND is a young adult urban adventure-mystery complete at 65,000 words, the first in a planned trilogy. I have loved the beach as well as historical mysteries for my entire life, and knew that Key West, with its vast history and coastal culture, was the perfect place for a swashbuckling adventure to play out. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The first pages have been attached for your review. I’d be delighted to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.

Notes

Good clear writing, but it does inspire questions about the plot. And I'm not sure it wouldn't appeal more to upper middle grade readers.

If it's college Lia thinks will  be misery, you could combine the first two paragraphs into:

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, where she knows she'll be miserable, Lia Covington is looking forward to spending summer in Key West at her family’s vacation house. Her sister Georgie sees the summer vacation as an opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about the tropical home, which has been abandoned for six years.

If the parents were abducted, I'm wondering what kind of clues they would leave behind. Clues like a post-it note that says If you can't find us, we were probably kidnapped and taken to Moscow.?

If secret agents are interested in the research project, I'm guessing it involves something beyond history. As your plot summary is only six sentences, you have room to add a couple explaining what's at stake if the research falls into the wrong hands, i.e. how might the course of history be changed?

Feedback Request

Dear agent

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words.)

Jack Foster, British accountant extraordinaire, [When you decide to make your main character an accountant, you have to do more than add "extraordinaire" to his job title to hook your reader.] is tired of busting the books of the Hong Kong Triad. [I don't know if busting the books means managing the books or cooking the books or something else.] Now he’s starting a new job in Los Angeles while waiting for his wife, Mara, to wrap up their affairs. Alone and lonely, he develops debilitating nightmares of a woman being tortured to death, her face masked by shadows. When his shrinks can’t help, he dulls the nightmares with alcohol and is fired from his job. [He just moved to LA and he already has more than one shrink?] 

Desperate to shape up before Mara arrives, Jack scours the internet for a way to cure his nightmares. He’s surprised to notice a series of similar murders spanning the globe, the most recent one only a few miles from his Chinatown condo. [I Googled "How to cure nightmares," and there was nothing about any worldwide murder conspiracies. Any accountant who doesn't know how to properly use Google is not extaordinaire in my book.]  Posing as a reporter, Jack digs into the local underworld, finding rumors of a vicious Triad enforcer newly arrived from Hong Kong. When Jack sets up surveillance on a Triad sweatshop, [This seems unreasonable for an accountant, but I forgot that he's an accountant extraordinaire.] he confirms the enforcer is the torturer in his dreams, but is forced to kill a gang member in self-defense. [Not clear what the part after the "but" has to do with the part before the "but."]

Now the police are after Jack. The Triad is right behind. And the woman in his dreams is growing more familiar with each sleepless night. Jack really needs to find some big guns, a good lawyer, and an even better shrink. ["even" better suggests his current shrink is pretty good, but you earlier said his shrinks can't help.] That and convince Mara to stay in Hong Kong until he can sort this out.

Now, if only she’d answer her damn phone.

Notes

This was going to be a new query critique, but then I realized we'd already seen two versions of it under a different title, and only two fake plots had come in anyway, so here is the most recent version, and the author would like feedback on this new one.

This isn't bad, but comparing it to the previous version, I'm wondering if there've been major changes in the plot, or just in what parts of the plot you're revealing in the query.

I don't think the title was part of the problem in the other versions.

Face-Lift 1463

Guess the Plot

The Secondaries

1.  The Secondaries are the ghosts/spirits of the dead. Their ranks have split into two factions fighting for control of the afterlife. And the only person who can bring peace and stability to the afterlife is a teenager who's already juggling her freshman classes while trying to keep her jealous street-performer boyfriend happy. 

2. After the primaries end in catastrophe when the Republican party realizes that all of its candidates are hot garbage, the state of Arkansas scrambles to acquire new candidates by kidnapping the ten democratic people who live there and putting them through a hunger-games-esque tournament, where only the last one standing doesn't have to apply for candidacy.

3. All sale items after the initial sale become secondaries, sold in the cellar. Joany will admit working in the cellar is a rather dull job, but it is at least a job. That is, until an unusual sale item goes unsold and an intrigue between a goat, a boat, and 10 yards of human hair make things complicated.

4. Phil Philmont II is tired of living in his father's shadow. He joins force with his childhood friends Rich Richardson II, and Dan Dianton II, to prove they are not simply children of self-made billionaires, that they have what it takes to out-party, and out-spend their parents and do it even better. They just need to rewind history 50 years first.

5. Maeve starts an odd-job company which mainly provides backup for important positions: kings, presidents, magistrates, etc. But when Claude, back-up to the archetype hero finally reaches the evil overlord's domain, he discovers Sorsha, back-up to said overlord. Will they do their duty and fight, or talk shop until their shift is over?

Original Version

I'm pleased to submit THE SECONDARIES, complete at 89,000 words.

Besieged with visions of the dead, Seren hopes for a normal life with a new boyfriend, Jackson. But a tangle with an immortal soul drags her into a battle between two groups of spirits for control of the afterlife.

Seren is a college freshman majoring in physics so that she can decipher her dead father's discoveries about consciousness. Since she was orphaned at the age of six, visions of spirits and their tragic human deaths have tormented her. Seren wants nothing more than to be normal, but the visions won't let her.

When she meets Jackson Meins, an alluring clairvoyant, Seren starts to believe [he convinces her] that her strange visions might actually be a gift. But just as she begins to fall in love with Jackson, a long-dead spirit named Finn tells her about the afterlife power struggle threatening the natural order. Finn is part of a group, which he claims includes Seren's father, fighting against the Ascendants, malicious spirits bent on taking control [of the afterlife]. Showing Seren her world through his eyes, Finn tries to convince persuades her that Jackson is helping the wrong side.

When Jackson finds out about Finn, he becomes enraged with jealousy and kidnaps her, keeping her prisoner at the compound where he is planning a mass suicide of his followers to infuse the Ascendants with an army of strong new recruits. [Speaking from experience, kidnapping and imprisoning your ex-girlfriend never results in reconciliation.]  Seren must learn to harness her own power to defeat Jackson's plans and restore the stability of the afterlife. [We know she has visions, but can we get a hint of what this power is that she can harness to affect the afterlife?]

THE SECONDARIES can be compared to Twilight (supernatural love triangle) meets Sixth Sense [I see dead people.] and Fight Club. [I'd declare the genre of the book before comparing it to other titles. According to my Internet research, the genre of Twilight is young adult fantasy romance, while The Sixth Sense is a psychological thriller. Your book sounds like an urban fantasy or a blend of that with paranormal romance. If all you provide is those comp titles, you may be giving the wrong impression.]  

Notes

Nice. Even if you ignore my comments, I can see this getting requests for the manuscript.