Thursday, June 14, 2012

Synopsis 31

Anomalies are humans that produce A4P in their bodies. A4P is more powerful than ATP, [4 > T] the energy molecule found in normal humans, and is the source for [of] super human abilities that typically develop at sixteen.

Almost sixteen-year-old Maya Benedict and her family are Anomalies. Fabian Romano, a hot reclusive Italian boy (who can also become transparent) [No need to say "also" as you've mentioned no other powers he has and no one else who can become transparent.] is staying at Maya’s home for the summer. [It's a birthday present from her parents.] On the eve of Maya’s 16th birthday Maya and Fabian meet Alien Aristocracy, a teen band playing at a bistro along the Thames River. [When people start referring to Alien Aristocracy as AA, beer sales at their concerts inexplicably drop to nil.] There they meet the sexy rocker, Lorcan, [Is Lorcan a member of Alien Aristocracy? If so, they already met him in the previous sentence.] who can nullify and manipulate electricity. When someone spills beer all over [Lorcan, he is electrocuted.] Maya’s white shirt, the mortifying moment triggers Maya’s first shift. [At this point it's not clear what that means. What exactly happens? She vanishes? To where?]

Maya is determined to learn how to control her new unstable ability of teleportation, or shifting, and its repercussions on her own. She isn’t going to submit to her Mom’s stupid rules or listen to someone who won’t even share their ability with their daughter. [Those two sentences have nothing to do with the rest of this paragraph; I'd get rid of them, as they aren't clearly worded anyway.] Aristar Industries, an organization of Machiavellian Anomalies wanting to restructure the world into one that is run by Anomalies, learns of Maya’s secret ability via her very public shifting incident. They use their teenage minions, Lorcan and the other members of Alien Aristocracy, to steal samples of Fabian and Maya’s DNA. [In what form is this DNA when they steal it?]

In pursuit of their stolen DNA, [Why? Do they know what Aristar is going to do with it?] Maya and Fabian find Fabian’s missing father, Dr. Romano, and other Anomalies imprisoned in a facility in Germany run by Aristar Industries. [Lemme get this straight. You're a sixteen-year-old gir in England; someone grabs a cup you drank out of or steals your toothbrush, and even though you have no idea why they did this, you follow them to Germany to get it back?] Aristar has been forcing Dr. Romano to clone super human abilities for the private use of their mercenaries who plan to take down the British Houses of Parliament. [And if the British Houses of Parliament are taken down . . . What? Aristar Industries will rule the world?] But Dr. Romano can’t successfully make the clones without inducing progeria, accelerated aging that leads to death. [Inducing it in the clones or the originals? If the clones, who cares, as long as they live long enough to complete their mission?] Dr. Romano plans on using the progeria as his secret weapon to foil Aristar’s plans. But when Maya learns Lorcan is meant to be part of the mercenary team she warns him about the progeria. [How does she know about it?] Despite her good intentions, Maya jeopardizes Dr. Romano’s efforts and loses Fabian’s trust. To fix her blunder, Maya takes Fabian on an ill-planned rescue mission to Germany [I thought they were already in Germany.] during which she is separated from Fabian, thrown into a prison, and temporarily loses her ability because of lead poisoning. In this cat-and-mouse chase for stolen DNA, Maya is thrust into a world of deception, kidnapping, murder, and world domination, where the stakes are high and the consequences of failure deadly.


This starts out okay, but devolves into a list of stuff that happens. Pause to tell us why characters are doing what they're doing. The reader isn't going to believe you've written a well-organized book based on this.

How many people with super powers does it take to bring down Parliament? It's just a bunch of geezers sitting around arguing about trivia. Two or three super villains should be able to handle it.


khazar-khum said...

Lead poisoning? Like Superman, or like Scarface?

Technically, all you have to do to bring down Parliament is have the Queen order it shut down, isn't it? Failing that, resetting the thermostat would probably suffice.

Mister Furkles said...

If Parliament is anything like Congress, just least a pub across the street and offer free drinks.

Mister Furkles said...

Okay, I guess I been in the pub.
"just lease a pub"

none said...

And if the British Houses of Parliament are taken down . . . What?

Dancing in the streets!

Anonymous said...

Cut the first paragraph. You can save the science details for the book.

On the eve of Maya's birthday (you've mentioned she's almost 16) they meet Lorcan, sexy rocker of a teen rock band. When Maya's showered with spilled beer, she vanishes.

As Maya learns to control her new teleportation abilities, Aristar Industries conspire to steal her DNA, using Lorcan and his bandmates. They retrieve her toothbrush and skiddle daddle to Germany where they will use it . . .

I think you can tighten this a bit.

Adam Heine said...

I like the ideas here, but I have to agree with EE on the lack of motivations for anybody. And the final sentence is pure telling. I'd cut the whole thing.

Aren't synopses supposed to take you all the way to the end of the story? This ends like a query.

Rachel6 said...

I've got to admit that I don't like the company name Machiavellian Anomalies, much as I love the word Machiavellian. It's like they're screaming, "We're scheming villains!" On the other hand, Aristar Industries was cool.

Xiexie said...

I know that Aristar (and I do like this name, but in my head I hear Alistair whenever I read it -- more my own musings than a problem with the name) has this mission to take control of Parliament; however, I agree with EE, what's next once they have this control of them? Could the stakes not be bigger, that Aristar would possibly seed their Anomalies into Parliament and other governments/leaders around the world -- if world domination is what they seek?

none said...

Obviously they're after our seat on the Security Council. From there they intend vetoing the rest of the world into submission.

How do you get back stolen DNA? Going after it just gives the villains more opportunities to steal it. I just don't think it's possible ever to be sure nobody has got your DNA in a little vial somewhere. We shed the stuff everywhere we go.

A. M. Perkins said...

I had the same thought Adam did - a synopsis is supposed to tell you everything, and it looks like the ending is missing.

St0n3henge said...

Fabian Romano sounds like you just put together "the" Fabian and Ray Romano (because you thought Armani would sound stupid). Don't you know any Italian last names? How about Marconi or Baretta or Barbarino?

Anyway, that's not the biggest deal. Definitely put things in chronological order just like it happens in the book. As EE noted, they find prisoners in Germany before they travel there.

I agree that "Machiavellian Anomalies" is just shouting "We're the bad guys!!!" Who would ever do business with them?

Yes, I get that you're British and you're proud of your government. But you might have noticed that others find the idea of supervillians taking over Parliament a little more amusing than terrifying. Sorry, but there just needs to be bigger stakes. I'm pretty sure supervillains couldn't run it LESS efficiently.

The lead poisoning thing just creeps me out. The effects are usually reversible for adults, not so much for children, and this girl is sixteen. Kidney damage is a big issue. Neurological damage can result in degenerative disorders later in life. Brain damage is possible. I feel a little sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's just a turn-off for me, like the idea of Thalidomide babies.

none said...

I don't see anything in the synopsis that says the author is proud of the government. It's more likely they've set their story in Britain because they are, yanno, British.

Of course other Brits are then going to come along and make fun. Especially as the country's already being run by villains, albeit ones with nothing super about them.

When other people mock our country, however, we bristle a little. Then shrug and go back to watching the cricket.

And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his
Hath turn'd his balls to gun-stones; and his soul
Shall stand sore charged for the wasteful vengeance
That shall fly with them: for many a thousand widows
Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands;
Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down;
And some are yet ungotten and unborn
That shall have cause to curse the Dauphin's scorn.