Guess the Plot
1. The zombie apocalypse was supposed to be the stuff of blockbusters. So why does Jeff still need to report to his cubicle by eight to get brains on the table for his family? At least his zombified state makes the drudgery of data entry easier to bear. For him. For the reader, not so much.
2. Since she can remember, Sandra has wanted to be only one thing; a gravedigger. Sandra's parents are already horrified when she lands a dig-gig right after high school instead of going to college, but when she starts bringing her work home with her...
3. A zombie sidles into Tombstone with nary an idear the newspaper misspelled "ghoul" for "girl" in the help wanteds. He gets so upset he upchucks his last meal of brains and cream gravy, which the newspaper terms "White Erp" in its next edition ... and a legend is borned.
4. The hookers on Fremont's Wharf are all long dead. Some of them got their start lifting their hoopskirts for Civil War soldiers. But now some one is murdering them for real.
5. The residents of Darkmoon City are undead, and they don't want humans encroaching on their homeland. It's a territorial thing. Of course, when the person doing the encroaching is gorgeous, all bets are off. Also, an unemployed drummer.
6. Charlie Lester just loves her job in the city morgue. Death fascinates her. Especially violent death. But now a murderer is stalking the morgue workers, and it's up to Charlie to solve the crime. If she wants to.
What happens when an undead agent goes to investigate a haunted house?
Sharmayne is an Awakened, an undead who lives and works in the underground realm of Darkmoon City. [Are you saying only those undead who live and work in Darkmoon City are "Awakened?" Or are you saying all Awakened are undead, and some of them live in Darkmoon City? If the latter, I'm not crazy about defining Awakened as undead. If they're called Awakened in this world, just call them Awakened. We'll have no trouble figuring out what Awakened are, namely mindless animated corpses who feed on our brains.] [True, we refer to zombies as undead, but to us they're fictional. In fictional worlds, where they're real, they're called Ghouls or Walkers or Unconsecrated etc.] As an Awakened, she has no memory of her former life as a human. She's become an agent, one of the people sent to investigate claims of human encroachment on their world. [If an investigator finds that a human has encroached, does she immediately report back, or does she first eat the encroacher's brain?]
But when she gets to the troubled Stanton farm, she learns that things are more complicated than she first thought. [Based on the opening (see previous post), five agents have been killed trying to investigate the Stanton farm. Thus it seems odd to imply that she wasn't expecting a complicated situation.] Yes, the place is haunted by the ghost of the late owner; but the current resident, the distractingly handsome Mark Stanton, has every right to be there, too. [If it's a farm, I assume it's not underground. Unless it's a mushroom farm. But you said Sharmayne worked in the underground realm. Why does she think Stanton, if he is above ground, has encroached on Awakened territory?]
While sorting out the complex matter, she also has to deal with her relationships in Darkmoon City. There's her friend, sister agent Lynisara, who works as a botanist; her boss, Srgt Mallory; and her longtime friend, Khorianon, a drummer who loves her while looking for his big break. [You've decided to list some characters rather than continue with the plot. Can you could at least slip some more specific information into the character descriptions? For instance:
There's her friend, sister agent Lynisara, who is developing a plant-based acid that can melt a human's skull while leaving the brain intact and cholesterol-free; her boss, Srgt Mallory, who thinks he's God's gift to zombiehood just because he's been eating brains since the Crimean War; and her longtime friend, Khorianon, an unemployed drummer who tries to win Sharmayne's heart by bringing her fresh brains for breakfast.]
Can she settle the dispute over the farm? And will she be lost to the handsome Stanton, or does the perpetually-unemployed Khorianon have a chance at her heart? [I'm more intrigued by whether she has a chance at the handsome Stanton's heart. Is Stanton open-minded enough to admit he's fallen in love with an Awakened?]
"Working Ghoul" is a fantasy romance.
I look forward to hearing from you.
You define an agent as someone who investigates claims of human encroachment on their world. Then you say that Lynisara, an agent, works as a botanist.
This is mainly setup. Sharmayne's an agent, tasked with investigating the Stanton farm. What's her plan? What happens when she gets there? In what way is Stanton a threat to Darkmoon City? Is Shar torn between two lovers, or does she have no interest in one of the men? Either replace the character list with plot, or reduce the setup to one paragraph and add a plot paragraph.
The first sentence mentions an undead investigating a haunted house. Which may give the wrong impression of what kind of book this is. Usually haunted houses are investigated to determine if they're really haunted.
I have a theory that the term "zombie" is used only in comedies because all words that start with "z" are funny, and serious zombie works don't want their zombies to be laughed at.