Monday, November 28, 2011

New Beginning 904

"At the end of the day you have to sit back and admit to yourself... she meant nothing."

Linc abruptly looked up from the shot on the bar counter, searching for the owner of the words that dared to interfere with his self-inflicted misery. The only person in the bar, besides the biker wannabe bartender, was a bombshell blond. Her legs looked like they could go for miles, and her face reminded him of Marilyn Monroe. "Who asked you?"

"No one. But you're hunched shoulders and 2-day growth scream woman issues," she said easing herself up onto the bar stool next to him. He couldn't help but look down to see if her heels matched the tight, banana colored dress that hugged all the right places, they did.

"And if she meant something you wouldn't be here drowning your sorrows in-" she paused leaning close to sniff him, "cheap whiskey. You'd be buying roses and throwing yourself at her feet to take you back."

Her words were like honey pouring out of a bottle onto his sour dough biscuit demeanor. Linc wasn't in the mood to let'em soften him. "Shows what you know."

The bombshell straightened. Her lips curved in a sly smile. "Well," she said breathily, "I do know the difference between 'your' and 'you're', and 'blond' and 'blonde'. And to hyphenate multiple-word adjectives. And when to use a semicolon instead of a comma."

From a nearly invisible pocket in her tight yellow dress, she somehow produced a business card, which she slid face down across the bar. He picked it up and looked at it.

Melinda Trawes
Freelance Copy Editor

He slipped the card into his back pocket. Apparently this night wouldn't be a total waste after all.

Opening: Linda Graf.....Continuation: Zachary Gole


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:

As the woman prepared to tell Linc exactly what she did know, a prospective punter plodded in. However, he took one look at the biker wannabe bartender, the banana-clad blonde bombshell, and the deadbeat depressive drunk detective all crowding the counter and turned on his toes and left, deciding directly that Seuss's Speakeasy Saloon wasn't the hot hangout he'd been hoping for, after all.


"She meant the world to me. She died giving birth to two young'uns. Best bitch I ever knew. At least the puppies lived. But I miss her bad. She was a good dog."

--Wilkins MacQueen

Evil Editor said...

"sourdough" and "barstool" are one word.

Hyphenate: "biker-wannabe," "banana-colored," "sourdough-biscuit."

"Blonde" for a female with blond hair.

P3: "Your." Semicolon after "places."

Not crazy about the simile in P5. The point of specifying the biscuit is sourdough is to suggest the honey would sweeten the biscuit, not soften it. Besides, when words are described as honey, I expect them to be flattering or romantic, which hers haven't been.

Her legs looked like they could go for miles is tired.

Nonetheless, once it's cleaned up, I can see it as an interesting start to...something.

Landra said...

Thanks for the wonderful laughs, and the quick lessons. I believe there is always something to learn from the blog posts. I vow never to make an error of blond and blonde again (note added to my growing list of writing things to remember).

And obviously my name will always suffer from DYAC moments.

P.S. Also researching hyphenates. I need more notes.

Dave Fragments said...

I think you only need one reference to MM and I think it should be of her blond hair and face with those luscious red lips. That's the iconic image of Marilyn - the hair and lips.

Now Cyd Charisse had legs that never stopped but she isn't as iconic as MM. And she could dance...

I like this. It sounds like a detective story romance with NOIR thrown in.

St0n3henge said...

"Her legs looked like they could go for miles" is, indeed, a very old line.

No one would say "2-day growth." That's how a writer would describe a character, not normal dialogue. Also, if someone is speaking, you should write out numbers. Two instead of 2.

Since this has such a non-literary feel I would use "...all the right places. They did." Modern readers tend to dislike semicolons even when they are correct.

There should be a comma here: "...she said, easing..."

Study grammar, punctuation, elements of style and English language mechanics. Then you can clean up the writing you're doing now and it will come across much better.

Anonymous said...

Legs that could go for miles made me think of Plastic Man.

vkw said...

I liked this.

I would shorten the first line to

"You have to admit to yourself (now or eventually or blank), she meant nothing."

I think something shorter would have more impact and well "at the end of the day" doesn't make much sense unless it's not the end of the day and these two are meeting over cocktails at noon.

"hugged all the right places" is also a bit cliche' - just saying if we are going to pick on "the legs that go on forever" line.

remove "And"

"if she meant something to you, you would have spent your money on roses, not cheap whiskey."

I didn't care much for the honey metaphore either.

You may want to consider.

His sour dough biscuit mood wasn't going to be sweetened by her honey words.

(though that isn't that good either since her words are not really all that sweet)

rather than honey words . . ."honey tone."

I would read on long enough to find out what is going on and what is going to happen.

That's what you are looking for.

Wilkins MacQueen said...

Just a few thoughts Author,
If you are going for the familiar oldie but goldie you achieved it. I'm going to suggest you take some of the read them before/reading them again phrases and put a fresh spin on them IF you want a more contemporary feel to the piece.

I had the feeling I'd read all of this before, several times in many different pieces over a few decades.

That may have been your aim. If not, updating the language/images may be something to think about.

A lot of the references you have used don't need to be quite so spelled out.

tatooed hefty boy barman/looked like a Delaware Destroyer band member

Bay Watch blonde (not great but not as tired out as bombshell)

Legs a figure skater, salsa dancer,
would envy. (Rockette if you want to keep the oldie feel.)

The setting is clear, I'd like to see a fresh element/aspect in it.

Maybe take a run at it without any cliches or familiar phrasing.

Good luck.

Jo-Ann said...

I liked the opening, I thought it was fun.

Your hook - an attractive and perceptive woman advancing on a strange man in a bar -immediately made me wonder what she wanted. Naturally I suspected he would wake up the next day with blood on his hands and the police questioning him about the dead guy in his car. But I could be wrong!

My only quibble is that by describing her outfit as banana coloured, I saw the kid's characters, the bananas in pyjamas.

none said...

So why is the blonde bombshell interested in this drunken loser? Is he rich?

Anonymous said...

Oooooh, good question. Buff-in-a-tor.

You're right, most bar girls/people/staff wouldn't bother to speak unless they were spoken to first. Seen it all before etc.

He doesn't sound rich. Not if he's sulking/skulking in that bar, nursing his whatever.

Landra said...

Dave- I wasn't going for NOIR, but laughed when I re-read and found it anyway.

Jo-Ann- Loved that you caught the evil possibilities.

BuffySquirrel and Anon- If you're asking questions then at least I'm moving in the right direction.

In my current WIP this scene is on the cut list, as it takes place before the actual story. I wanted to see what people thought though and appreciate the feedback. All the comments are definitely giving me things to watch out for.

Dave Fragments said...

A blonde bombshell picks up a drunk PI in a bar.
To my mind it's not whoopie or puppy-love.
She's got a devious plan up her non-existent sleeve. I am wondering what she will not tell him. What knife will she plunge into his back or heart...

Anonymous said...

I was satisfied with the answer given in the continuation. The Banana Blonde was a freelance editor who saw opportunity knocking.

none said...

Ah, so the bar is actually CraigsList? XD