Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Guess the Plot
1. It's another freakin' vampire novel where he's all tortured and broody because he can't tell if he loves her or if he's just kinda hungry and she's into him because he's so mysterious but protective and he's like "We can never be together" and she's all "But I love you!" and we all know where this is going but let's face it: people never seem to get tired of this one so shall we just cut to the chase and talk price?
2. 13th C knight Geoffroi du St. Cloud is cursed by the vampire Doudrou to never be permitted the peace of death. And so Geoffroi fights on, only to be resurrected when slain. Is he doomed--or can the glorious Princess du Conti save him and his soul?
3. Weeding the garden, Timmy finds a jewel in the dirt. At midnight a man in armor sneaks in through the open window. He says he needs the jewel and a 12-year-old sidekick to rescue the kingdom of a beautiful kidnapped princess. Timmy accepts the sidekick gig, unaware their dangerous mission will require numerous sequels and he, too, is doomed to become an . . . Eternal Knight.
4. Pharaoh was being a jerk again, so God tried to put an eternal night curse over Egypt. He screwed up, and now there's a 16th century unkillable knight wandering around Egypt generating chaos. Can Floyd and Bob, God's clean-up crew, set things right?
5. Hadde of Landomere is supposed to be protecting her village from invaders, but instead heads off to the next kingdom to pawn a necklace she found. Now the king won't let her go back home, but why would she want to go home and face invaders when the king's brother is such a hunk?
6. Sir Frank of Carthyreid haunts the same old battlefield, century after century--until the city builds a high school on it and then Sir Frank's life gets a lot more interesting. As bloodied corpses turn up in lockers and dismembered limbs in desks, dimwitted school janitor Pete Pritchett arms himself with a bin lid and a wooden spoon and rides into battle.
Dear Evil Editor,
Hadde of Landomere is a huntress who has sworn to protect and provide for her people. The Wasting makes her task impossible: crops are failing, game has disappeared, and strange raiders are invading her forest homeland.
While hunting, Hadde finds a golden necklace. Taking it as a sign that she must do more for her people, [Interesting. I would have taken it as a sign that someone lost her necklace.] she leaves the forest of Landomere for the kingdom of Salador. She plans to sell the necklace for food and other necessities, but she hopes for much more--to gain the aid of the elementar-king of Salador. [Who's fighting off the raiders while she's in Salador pawning someone else's property?] [Amazing: all the letters of the word "property" are on one row of the keyboard.]
Unlike her egalitarian homeland, Salador is a highly stratified, male-dominated world of politics, war, and deceit, teeming with its own problems. Hadde finds herself trapped there when the king, who believes her to be part of a prophecy, ["As it was foretold, a hot woman has shown up on the eve of my annual 'Forty Guys and a Wench' party."] refuses to let her go home. Her unlikely romance with the king's brother, Morin, entangles Hadde in a web of Saladoran scheming. [There are raiders invading her village and she has time for a romance?]
When Morin learns of the discovery of an ancient magical artifact, he takes Hadde with him to recover it. [What a moron.] [Why doesn't he who discovered it bring it to the castle? In this highly stratified world, I assume you don't just tell your superiors, I'm busy; if you want it come and get it.] Their journey leads not only to the salvation of Hadde's small village, but to [of?] the world itself. [Define "the world."] It also leads to the loss of her faith in humanity, and the loss of Morin's soul. [Huh? That sounds like the old, The operation was a success but the patient died line. If you must screw up your happy ending in the book, fine, but putting that in the query just leads to questions you aren't answering. Explain or delete.]
I currently teach military history and economics and previously served in the United States Army as a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter pilot. I am also a Revolutionary War reenactor and historical wargamer. In Eternal Knight I used my knowledge of medieval history, [helicopter flying,] economics, religion [(I'm also a part-time monk)], and military strategy to create a rich, believable world.
Eternal Knight is a 105,000 word fantasy novel. The manuscript is complete and ready for submission. Thank you for considering my work.
Who is the knight in the title? And what's eternal about the knight?
How far is the trip to Saladar?
The king won't let Hadde go home seems to indicate she's under lock and key, yet she goes off with Morin? As a skilled huntress, she could easily escape while Morin's not looking.
I'd leave the invaders raiding the village out of the query. In the book there's surely an explanation for the village surviving the raids while their protector is off romancing Morin, but in the query we're better off not knowing about them, especially as they weren't worth mentioning again anyway.
Actually, it didn't sound that bad until I started picking at it. Explain as much as you can and get rid of what you don't have room to explain, so we don't think it's full of logic problems.