Face-Lift 1488

Guess the Plot

Blades of Bratva

1. Two 15-year-old boys competing in the World Figure Skating competition, must balance their training regimen against the fact that each of their fathers is co-head of the Russian Mafia.

2. The Immortal Beast of Bratva has been terrorizing the country for the past year. Can Alanic find the legendary Blades of Bratva to slay the beast before his home is destroyed next?

3. Sergei's knife shop in Novosibirsk is a front for his family's protection racket and a lucrative murder-for-hire business. But when he falls for Ekaterina, a circus knife thrower, will he give it all up?

4. The swords created by Bratva, the world-renowned blacksmith, have appeared in Hollywood productions from Spartacus to Gladiator. But now there's a new blacksmith underselling Bratva, and stealing his business. This means war, mano a mano, with swords at dawn.

5. When Bratva, Russia's Gillette, nears bankruptcy, due to Russian men all having beards, the CEO switches production from razor blades to straight razors, the weapon of choice for slitting the throats of people who criticize the government. 

6. A poetry collection like Leaves of Grass, only this is about blades of grass, which makes more sense, as grass comes in blades and trees come in leaves. Includes 200 pages of illustrations, musings, and photos.

7. Russian mobsters have been fighting territorial battles in the streets of Moscow for ages, but with guns becoming harder to acquire, they've resorted to using only weapons of Roman gladiators. Finally, big guys like Grigor have an advantage again.

8. Jerome led the team of military brats in the Veterans' Association Junior Fencing League (aka Bratva) to victory in nationals, but when the international competition is caught in the path of an undead swordsmen mercenary unit can he rally the Italians and Japanese?

Original Version

Dear [Agent’s First Name, Last Name],

BLADES OF BRATVA (82,000 words) is a YA novel about generational trauma, brotherly bonds, and the world of ice skating. My book would appeal to catharsis-hungry readers of After Life by Gayle Forman, the raw introspection of You'd Be Home Now by Kathleen Glasgow, the search for identity in This Place is Still Beautiful by XiXi Tian, and, of course, those of us obsessed with the Winter Olympics. [Usually when I look for my next book to read, I'm not after catharsis, introspection, or identity. I just want entertainment . . . and, luckily for you, as much Winter Olympics as possible.] [Putting this information after the plot summary is best, especially in this case, where you have nothing else at the end of the plot summary.]

Fifteen-year-old ice skating cousins Sasha and Alexei are about to achieve their lifelong dream: winning gold in the Men’s Singles Division at the 2015 World Figure Skating Championship. [How can they both be about to achieve this lifelong dream? Only one can get the gold. The other is about to have his lifelong dream crushed. And neither can be sure of winning, so I'd just say their dream is competing in the World Championships.] [Research shows that the 2015 World Championships were held in Shanghai, and no one named Sasha or Alexei performed, which suggests to me that this is . . . fiction! Specifically, alternate history.]

Well, it’s Alexei’s dream to take home gold. Sasha’s dream is to die…and to take the ghost of his mother with him. [Is Sasha's dream to die in the competition?]

        With Sasha having spent the year following his mother’s death in the incestuous claws of Alexei’s father, who dressed Sasha in her image, Sasha wants nothing more than to cut her out of his life forever. [Her? Or him? How old was he when this started? Why isn't it Alexei's father that Sasha want to cut out of his life forever?] It’s quite the task, considering she is one of Russia’s most beloved skating icons and he is essentially smearing her name on the ice. Skating her final program, wearing the dress she died in—he’s quickly earning his place on the public’s most wanted list. [So he's been doing this at every competition leading up to the World Championships?]

       It’s not like Alexei’s life is any easier, of course. His own mother won’t look at him, and he doesn’t even know why. She should be grateful; he’s trying to bring home the gold for her, after all. He only hopes it’s enough to earn her love. [It sounds to me like Alexei's life is somewhat easier.]

Their cloying coaches/foster parents keep Sasha and Alexei out of trouble, but having family in the mafia also doesn’t hurt. Sasha and Alexei’s fathers are the respective heads of the Two-Headed Eagle, a sprawling mafia network knit across Russia’s largest cities. 

The competition will be held in two days in their hometown of St. Petersburg, so the boys know they are safe to galavant as they please. [They should be practicing their quads, not galavanting.] Alexei’s father is far away in Moscow, unable to engage in his obsession with Sasha, but something has changed in St. Petersburg.

The leaders of the Eagle have swapped cities, and Alexei’s father is back in town.

Now, the boys must struggle to keep their friendship, their careers, and their lives intact…while still performing to win. 

Notes

This is too long. It would seem shorter if there weren't so many skipped lines, which can be fixed by combining or eliminating paragraphs. There's no need to tell us Alexei's dad was away in Moscow, and now he's back. Just say he's in town. No need to tell us Sasha's dream is gold if it isn't, just tell us it's to die on the ice in front of a TV audience of millions.

Despite the title, I suspect anyone reading this will find the sudden entrance of the Russian Mafia halfway through the query somewhat jarring. Everyone expects conflict between cousins who want the same thing. No one expects the Russian mafia.

Does the mafia get involved in the skating competition? Like, does one father have the other father's kid Gilloolied? Or does the mafia threaten the judges to ensure their kids win?

Face-Lift 1487

Guess the Plot

Children of Nemia

1. They aren't really children, and don't actually belong to Nemia, but it's not worth explaining camouflaged aliens investigating Earth when a new reality show about single mothers raising families is about to hold auditions.

2. Returning home on Nemia, after reaching adulthood, Van hopes to prove himself to his father. But nothing has prepared him to face off against . . .Cosmic Horrors from Other Worlds!

3. After returning from the wardrobe, the children . . .  Wait, wrong book.

4. A mysterious plague has killed off everyone who has reached maturity. Can Branch, Missy, and Shorty find a cure before they grow up? Or is this another Children of the Corn situation?

5. Nemia’s estranged daughter, Amy, returns home for the reading of her cold-hearted mother's will. Chaos erupts when another child is named in the will: an illegitimate son named John, from before Nemia’s loveless marriage. With ownership of the family home, the asset portfolio, and the riverside farmland ripe for development at stake, Amy devises a plan to oust John. But John has no intention of being Amy’s victim. Which of the children of Nemia will be her true heir?

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Van's been honing his skills all his life in anticipation of the pilgrimage, but nothing could prepare him to face off against cosmic horrors from other worlds, and the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love, which sometimes go hand in hand. [It's not clear whether you're saying that uninvited awkwardness goes hand in hand with adolescent love, or the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love goes hand in hand with cosmic horrors from other worlds. Either way, you can fix this by putting the love part first and the horrors second. And you don't need the hand in hand part.]

Returning home from the Journey of Patronage marks the beginning of adulthood for all members of the tribe, and for years Van has dreamed of proving himself to his father the chieftain, and his oldest friend the tribe's First Ranger. As he travels the lands of his people he'll confront old mysteries with grave implications about what he was raised to believe, and in order to survive and save lives he'll need to learn who to trust and what that trust means. [That last sentence is vague. Give specific examples of this stuff.] [Wait, was that the end of the plot summary? What about the adolescent love? WHAT ABOUT THE COSMIC HORRORS FROM OTHER WORLDS?! The cosmic horrors are the most interesting part of the plot, and you drop it like an anvil from the sky.] [Oh, well, as you managed to describe your plot in three sentences, I'll assume it's a really short book, so maybe I'll take a look, just to find out about the cosmic horrors.] 

A story that introduces a world, CHILDREN OF NEMIA is a 216,000 word [WTF?!! That's two or three books. Admittedly, it's only 28% of the length of the Bible, but the Bible is 66 books. You can't expect an agent, and each of the editors they send your book to, to read 216,000 words in hopes that the cosmic horrors aren't a total letdown. How many forests would have to be chopped down to provide the paper for a few thousand copies? There's a reason the first Harry Potter book was the shortest one. You'll need to find a place near the 80,000 word mark to end this book, and make the rest of it book 2.] high fantasy adventure and will be the debut novel of my chronology and setting. [According to the internet, the "setting" is the time, place, and duration of a story, so no need to specify your "chronology."] In researching your agency's recent deals and publication catalog I felt you might be interested in the kinds of stories I'm hoping to tell.

I'm an aspiring American writer living in Bloomington, Indiana. I grew up inspired by masters of fantasy and sci-fi like Garth Nix and Philip K. Dick, [Neither of whom ever published a novel close to the length of yours, even after they were established stars.] beloved RPG titles like Final Fantasy and Mass Effect, and lifelong friendships built playing Dungeons & Dragons after school. I am and always will be in love with storytelling. 

Thanks for your time and consideration,

Notes

Is the whole book based around Van trying to prove himself to the chieftain and First Ranger? You haven't provided examples of anything Van does to prove himself. Things like battling cosmic horrors from outer space and asking his crush out on a date. Also, you'd think if First Ranger gets capitalized, so would chieftain.

You might mention the First Ranger's name, unless it's just as boring as Van.

Mostly, we want to know what happens. Surely something happens in those 216,000 words. Who doesn't want Van to succeed in whatever his goal is, and what's Van's plan to succeed anyway? What will happen if he fails? 

Face-Lift 1486

Guess the Plot

Mattie and the Milkweed Egg

1. Jane went to a witch to find a cure for her mother. But to finish the potion, she needs a milkweed egg. Will her morals get in the way when she realizes she needs one of the last monarch butterfly eggs?

2. Mattie finds an egg on the milkweed plant in her backyard. She schedules an auction, since monarch butterflies are nigh extinct, unknowingly setting herself up for investigation by homeland security, bashing by the wildlife conservation society, and alien abduction.

3. One year after Mattie rallied her third grade class to fight off a hoard of sentient milkweeds, she's ousted from her throne of popularity by new kid Cindy. But Mattie's been keeping a secret: a shiny egg she found among the ruins of the milkweed's lair. Should she hatch it and become an evil mastermind? Or frame up Cindy instead? Decisions, decisions.

4. In this sequel to How to Make a Butterfly Fly, an injured Monarch Butterfly named Mattie manages to deposit an egg on a milkweed plant. But will she live long enough to see her child soar through the air?

5. The milkweed egg Mattie was supposed to guard has hatched, and its caterpillar has disappeared, and if Mattie is going to find it, she'll have to take her mother’s lessons to heart to find her own strengths. Also, she'll probably need a good magnifying glass.

Original Version

Dear First Name of Agent, [First name? Who are you writing to, your BFF? In the future, when your books are putting money in your agent's wallet, you'll be on a first-name basis, but for now, this agent is Ms. Wizard of Oz, and you are the Scarecrow. No, that's not strong enough. This agent is Sauron, and you are not even Pippin. You are one of the nameless Hobbits dancing around the maypole, totally oblivious to the perils that lurk in the real world.]

I am querying MATTIE AND THE MILKWEED EGG, a chapter book at 9.4k words. It will appeal to kids who love the magical adventures, fairy friends, and school settings of series like Unicorn Academy, The Never Girls, and Diary of an Accidental Witch. With a setting that grounds the reader in the outdoors, magic is always rooted in the reality of nature in this story. [This paragraph can come after the plot summary.] 

Nine-year-old Mattie wants to succeed on her first day of [Fairy] school—or at least not be the worst. Fairy school is full of challenges, from using magic to kids that don’t get along with her or each other.

Mattie [, where she] and her classmates are meant to learn how [taught] to watch over and protect nature. Their first assignment is to take care of the creature that will hatch from a mysterious egg. When the caterpillar that emerges won’t eat any of the leaves they have collected, Mattie is the one who finally recognizes the milkweed it needs. But the caterpillar goes missing the next day. [You had one job!!!] Mattie will need to take her mother’s lessons to heart to find her own strengths—and find the caterpillar. [Were the students told the caterpillar needed milkweed, and what milkweed looked like, and Mattie was the one who spotted a milkweed plant? In which case, why were they collecting all these other leaves? Or were they told nothing, and Mattie brilliantly recognized it was milkweed that was needed, after Googling it?]

While MATTIE AND THE MILKWEED EGG stands alone, I have drafts of the second and third books in a planned series. Each book has a plot connected to an organism, ecological relationship, or other interesting aspect of nature. 

I have drawn on my knowledge of and love for the outdoors, as a botanist [who specializes in milkweed,] and hiker [who occasionally spots a butterfly], in writing this story. 

Thank you for your consideration.

Kind regards,

Notes

[We just had a query about a caterpillar/butterfly a few weeks ago. That was a picture book, this is a chapter book. Next week I expect a YA novel about a high school student aspiring to be a lepidopterist, and then: 

According to my research, the egg in question would be the size of a pinhead, and glued to the bottom of a milkweed leaf. Getting it off the leaf without damaging it would be difficult. Was the egg attached to a leaf when the students got it? 

Reminds me of the old joke, How many fairies does it take to protect an endangered butterfly's egg? Twelve. One to hide the egg in its pocket, and eleven to fight off the billionaire who thinks it's an aphrodisiac. 

It would be good for your story if finding a caterpillar that can't crawl much more than a foot per hour actually required inner strength and mother's life lessons, but it mainly requires looking for it without stepping on it.

This sounds more like a picture book title and plot. Is there a villain who snatched the caterpillar to sell it on the black market? Are the other fairies blaming Mattie because the caterpillar disappeared during her shift? What will happen if the caterpillar isn't found? Did an evil hummingbird eat the caterpillar? You've summarized the story in five sentences. Expand that to ten with some intriguing specific information.

Face-Lift 1485

Guess the Plot

This Book Has No Title

1. That's right, no title. Also, no plot, no characters, no descriptions, no themes, no nothings. There are random letters jumbled on the pages for your amusement. Please give the lazy author lots of money.

2. This book has no plot! This plot has no characters! This book has no words!

3. When Elenore discovers her girlfriend's been murdered she tries to resurrect her but instead she accidentally summons a monster from outer space who only eats human flesh but it can't eat Elenore's dead girlfriend because it's trapped inside the corpse so Elenore has to go murder someone else and then it gets really complicated so now you know why I couldn't think of a better title.

4. As with every query posted here lately, the world is in danger of being destroyed, and it's up to one person, probably a teenaged girl, to save us all. But this book is different, because . . . This Book Has No Title.

5. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girls to jerk until girl wises up . . . it's the standard romance, but with a title so intriguing everyone will buy it to find out why there's no title.

Original Version

Dear [Full Name]

Seventeen-year-old Elenore should be studying to become her town’s first Asian valedictorian, not trying to resurrect her murdered girlfriend. Her plan goes awry when her terrible pronunciation [of a spell?] summons an injured eldritch creature from outer space. And it’s trapped inside her girlfriend’s body. [Does it just lie there inside the motionless corpse, or is it in control of the corpse, making it seem alive?] [Is Elenore a witch? What makes her think she can resurrect her girlfriend?]

Elenore is desperate to fix her mistake so she cuts the monster a deal—she'll help nurse it back to health. The monster must then vacate her girlfriend’s body [You wouldn't have to keep calling her "her girlfriend" if you'd given her a name in the first sentence. It's an easy fix, say "her murdered girlfriend, Chloe". Of course, this causes a new problem, namely that Chloe isn't the name you gave her, but that, too, is an easy fix: Just use the "replace all" feature to change her name to Chloe everywhere.] and return home once it’s healed. [The monster was summoned through accidental magic. There's no reason to believe it has the ability to travel through space to wherever it originated. Also, if the monster decides it wants to stay on Earth, it's not gonna leave just because it made a deal. It'll stay, and blame the language barrier.] Until that time comes, Elenore will feed the monster and ensure nobody else in town will learn the truth. [What is the truth?]

Now, Elenore balances the life of an awkward geek by day and animal hunter at night. [Why does she have to hunt animals? If the monster doesn't like fruits and veggies and pasta, there's plenty of meat available at the grocery store.] But when a sleep-deprived Elenore runs over someone with her car, the monster soon acquires a taste for human flesh. [Was she driving around with a monster/corpse in her car, killed a pedestrian, and her passenger got out and started chowing down? Or did she kill the pedestrian, throw it in the trunk, and drive it home to feed to the monster? In which case she now has two dead people to deal with.] [What happens when the cops arrive at the scene of the accident and discover the victim's legs have been eaten? (The legs are the best part.) (Or so I've heard.)] With it unwilling to eat anything else, Elenore is determined to find another way to appease its voracious appetite. Or she’ll have no choice but to actually murder someone. [She'll have another option: Not murdering someone. Her attempt to resurrect Chloe was a failure, so it's about time she phoned the authorities to come and get the body and take it to the morgue. Where the monster will have a steady influx of fresh human.]

UNTITLED is an (est. 80000)-word YA horror. It combines the eldritch horror of I Feed Her To The Beast And The Beast Is Me by Jamison Shea and the dark vibes of Don’t Let The Forest In by C.G. Drews. [My bio right here]. Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

Is Elenore in her home when she finds the body? In Chloe's home? If not, where is she, that no one else has noticed the dead body? 

Wait, did Elenore murder Chloe, and then realize she was gonna be in big trouble, so that's why she's trying to resurrect her? A more normal reaction would be to remove any evidence that she was there, clear out, and hope the cops suspect someone else.

So many opportunities to make this a comedy, rather than horror. Or horror/comedy. It's like one of those episodes of I Love Lucy, where things go wrong and just snowball. Change her name from Chloe to Lucy.

Philosophical question: If a space monster inhabits a corpse, can it automatically speak the language the corpse spoke?

Face-Lift 1484

Guess the Plot

Obsidian

1. That's right, volcanic glass: the darkest natural substance known to man. This is your guide to collecting, polishing, and selling obsidian art. With a large appendix on volcanoes.

2. Jule is supposed to follow a prophesy to a mysterious black city in order to stave off a plague. The prophet is killed and the prophesy is nearly destroyed, but, fortunately, the court assassin heard the whole thing--he says, to keep from being executed. Two weeks from nowhere Jule is starting to have doubts.

3. The volcanic community of Obsidian has made sacrifices to the volcano god Boshalak for generations. Yet when the sacred flowers did not grow this year, Mala must find a new source before they start using human blood.

4. The only one who can prevent an invasion of Ferrol's homeland is its king, but he's under a curse and the only one who can end the curse is the sorceress who just freed Ferrol from his curse. Also, an obsidian dagger that can curse people.

5. Annie's horse, Obsidian, was entered in the big race by her father, who plans to bet the farm on him to win. But Obsidian has never raced before, and is just an old plow horse. Still, anything's possible in the wonderful world known as fiction. 

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

[Why this agent.]

OBSIDIAN is a dual-POV 98,000-word Adult Romantic Fantasy novel with the potential for a duology. The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman, with its Arthurian tragedy, meets the slow-burn romance and humor of The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy by Megan Bannen. The setting is inspired by the Hispano-American world. As per your guidelines, I’ve included [x] below. [This paragraph works better if you place it after the summary of your compelling plot. Especially as the agent may not have read those other titles.]

Hidden within a mesa, ensnared by cacti, sleeps an enchanted knight. [I don't see how cacti can grow inside a mesa. They need sunlight. Does the knight have air within the mesa? It must be a hollow mesa. Here's a picture of a mesa:

It doesn't have a door or windows, but maybe those are on the back.] Twenty-five years pass before Ferrol wakes. The world he fought for is in ruins, subjugated by a former ally and his magic army. [While I accept that in a world where there exists a magic army, anything is possible, it still seems a bit odd (though admittedly original) to choose encasement within a mesa as the curse you inflict upon someone. I guess if there are no nearby mountains or oceans or abandoned mines, and there's a handy mesa, it makes sense.]

They will invade Ferrol’s homeland next. The only person capable of leading a resistance is Ferrol’s king, whom he loves like a brother. But the king is now bedridden with a curse. [I'd much rather be cursed to lie in my bed all day, which I sometimes do even without a curse, than to be ensnared in cacti within a mesa for 25 years.] [I guess I'm just quibbling when I say that when I hear that a knight is enchanted, I'm more likely to think he's enchanted by a lovely damsel than by a witch or wizard, even though I know that "enchanted" and "cursed" both mean "under a spell." Also, ensnaring the knight in cacti would have been a good idea if you wanted him to be in constant pain, but if you're putting him to sleep for 25 years, the cacti were a waste. So was putting him within a mesa, except it prevents someone stumbling upon him and reviving him with a counter-enchantment.]

Only a sorcerer could lift the curse, and most are enslaved by the magic army. All except the fugitive sorceress who woke Ferrol. [Ah, so he was cursed to sleep forever, but after 25 years this fugitive sorceress stumbled upon him within the mesa.] Lea lives in exile with only her spite and bad puns for company. Ferrol convinces her that healing the king will grant her vengeance against her former captors, and true freedom. Although afraid, she comes out of hiding to travel through enemy territory. But even if Ferrol can deliver her to the castle, he will return to a sentence of execution everyone believes he ran from twenty-five years ago. [Or maybe they'll benevolently reduce his sentence to time served, on the grounds that he served it encased within a mesa.]

After grappling with his [Ferrol's] mortality, and accepting it, [Not clear why she's grappling or what that even means. Did she think he was immortal? Does she want to make him immortal? Or was it him doing the grappling, in which case we need to rework the sentence? Do we need this in the query?] Lea gives him a reason to live again. [Okay, now it sounds like he was grappling, so: As Ferrol grapples with his mortality, Lea gives him a reason to live again. Except, I was under the impression he already had an excellent reason to live, so maybe we should ditch this and start the paragraph here:] As they cross deserts and bayous, overcome soldiers and monsters, they find humor in their shared misfortunes. [Ferrol: I'm really hungry after crossing all these deserts. Lea: There's a bakery up ahead. It's called Just Desserts. Ferrol: <moan.>] Ferrol sees that Lea is braver than she realizes, more cunning. But her jokes are far worse than she gives herself credit for. [Ferrol: Will you be able to remove the king's curse? Lea: I think I may, suh. Get it? May suh--mesa! It's a call-back. Ferrol: <Groan.>] Love presents a choice Ferrol never considered: there’s his honor, his king, and death--or joy. Yet the magic army is surging behind them, washing over the earth. Soon it will drown everything. There’s no option for life, unless he and Lea destroy the army themselves. [What about the resistance that the king (and only the king) was supposed to lead? Now one knight and one sorceress are going to defeat a magic army by themselves? If they do, it'll be because Lea's magic is far more powerful than the magic army's, and she doesn't even need Ferrol. It's like when Superman and Batman team up against some villain, and the comic book writer tries to convince us that Batman's role is vital to the operation, when in fact Superman could have done it all more efficiently by himself.]

OBSIDIAN is my first novel. I’m a Mexican immigrant, and lived undocumented for twenty years. [I hesitate to print this, as Trump is an avid reader of this blog, but I'll assume you are now documented, and that he has no interest whatsoever in deporting documented immigrants.] I learned English by reading and writing. I wrote this manuscript and others during three consecutive pregnancies, finding time between wrestling pipsqueaks and being used as a human napkin. They usually won the wrestling matches. [I assume we're talking about the kids, and not their fathers.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[The title, Obsidian, comes from an obsidian dagger that places a curse on one of the characters.]

Notes

Is the magic army magic because all the other sorcerers, who they've enslaved, are forced to work with them? Seems like if Lea is powerful enough to take down this army, these other sorcerers would already have done so. Apparently the army has magic more powerful than the sorcerers.

It seems unlikely that Lea, living in exile and afraid to come out of hiding, would happen upon a knight encased within a mesa. Unless he has one of those Apple AirTags on his armor.

You say Lea came out of hiding to travel through enemy territory, but she and Ferrol are heading toward the king, and the magic army is surging behind them. So it seems enemy territory is behind them. Was her hiding place in enemy territory?

I'm not sure Lea's puns and jokes are important enough to be mentioned here.

The writing and organizing of the summary is well done. Most of my issues are with the plot, and are probably dealt with in the book. Possibly you can arrange for some of them to be clarified in the query, or just left out.

Face-Lift 1483

Guess the Plot

The Violet Raven

1. Ginnie's vision has expanded beyond the human norm into colors that only animals can see. But after she uses her ability to cheat on a standard exam, she's captured by a shadow organization run by bio-engineered animals who want her help to take over the zoo.

2. Painter Nigel Phipps leaves his calling card with a duke right before said duke is assassinated. Now he's on the run from the law for committing the crime, the assassin for taking credit, and the mob who want a few more jobs done. Unfortunately, not painting.

3. Evil mythological beings have risen, and according to prophecy they will achieve dominance over the land unless they are stopped by one girl who has suddenly developed unimaginable powers.

4. Ravens are generally black. Sometimes you can find albino ones, even a mix. However, Josie does not know what to do when a violet one starts following her and speaking in tongues.

5. In this sequel to the famous poem, the raven, having driven the poet to utter despair and madness, flies off. But will it find other victims to torment? Evermore!

Original Version

I’m seeking representation for my 130,000-word historical fantasy romance novel, THE VIOLET RAVEN: a story of forbidden love, reincarnation, and Irish mythology set against the backdrop of 19th-century Celtic Nations in 1823. [In one sentence you've managed to tell me why you're writing to me, your word count, three genres you've blended, your book's title, three main themes of the book, where it takes place, and when it takes place, and you did all that in far fewer words than I used in this sentence. Yet somehow, my sentence is riveting, while yours made my eyes roll up inside my head. Can we reduce the word count of your sentence (and your book, but we'll get to that later)? I guess we don't need the word "novel," since you call it a story and it's 130,000 words. And we don't need "historical," because it's set in 1823. We don't need "19th century" because we know what century 1823 happened in. We could change "against the backdrop of" to "in" which saves three words and sounds less like something AI came up with. Let's move the paragraph to the end of the the query and drop "I'm seeking representation for my." So, we summarize the plot and then say: The Violet Raven, a 130,000-word romantasy set in 1823, is a standalone novel and the first book in my planned Warriors of the Raven Queen series. Note that I left out the three themes, because they are all mentioned in your plot summary, which the agent will have just read. I also left out the Celtic Nations, which are also in the summary, and besides, at least half of the query is set in Portugal.] The first in my Warriors of the Raven Queen series, it blends lush atmosphere with richly detailed history. [This sentence can go, as the series is now mentioned in the previous sentence, and your detailed history is mentioned in your final paragraph.]

 

When mysterious attackers descend on her family’s estate, Triona Sinclair’s life is torn apart. Her parents sacrifice themselves to prevent her capture, knowing she is crucial to a prophecy that could grant unimaginable power to the Fomorians—a long-banished race of destructive beings from Irish mythology. Fleeing for her life, Triona embarks on a dangerous quest to Portugal alongside her brothers, Callan and Casey, her childhood friend Finn, and the enigmatic Bran. Before their deaths, her parents revealed the existence of allies in Portugal who could provide vital answers about the prophecy and her role in stopping the Fomorians' rise. As she bonds with this unlikely found family, Triona uncovers the truth about her lineage and the prophecy: the Fomorians, awakened by centuries of conflict across the Celtic Nations, need her powers to return to dominance. As the Fomorians’ power grows, Triona’s own abilities—rooted in her past lives and deeply tied to the natural world—begin to awaken, forcing her to confront her destiny and the sacrifices it demands. Torn between the trauma of her loss, the growing connections with her companions, and the weight of her powers, Triona must decide how far she’s willing to go [find a way] to stop the Fomorians and protect the world from their destructive return. 

 

Finn MacGregor has always kept his feelings for Triona hidden, relying on the Sinclairs for more than just a place in their community—they are the family he never had after escaping an abusive household at fifteen. But when Triona’s life is upended by tragedy and her powers begin to emerge, Finn finds himself drawn into her fight. [Apparently they are back from Portugal.] Determined to protect her from those who would exploit her gifts—and from the Fomorians themselves—Finn must choose whether to risk his heart for the woman he loves or remain in the shadows [even] as the world around them [threatens to] collapses. [This paragraph feels out of place. Once you've built up to possible world destruction, I no longer care about Finn's secret feelings of love for his childhood friend. Maybe after the first two sentences of the previous paragraph, insert this paragraph (abridged to omit Triona's powers/gifts).]

 

 

Early readers have compared THE VIOLET RAVEN [will appeal] to [readers who enjoyed] A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas and The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, praising its emotionally charged romance, richly developed world-building, and evocative storytelling. I have spent considerable time researching 19th-century Celtic Nations and Gaelic folklore to ensure the narrative’s historical  rigor and immersive world-building [accuracy]. [Sorry, it was sounding like AI again.]

 

Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Notes

You hint that there are those besides the Fomorians who would exploit Triona's gifts. What are these gifts? They're apparently capable of making the Fomorians powerful enough to take over the world, but you are keeping them secret from us?

Her parents sacrificed themselves, not to save their three children, but because one of their children, according to some (ancient?) prophecy, would have unimaginable power that could be used by some mythical characters. Was this prophecy uttered by a reliable prophet who specifically mentioned the Sinclair family's first-born child, or was it one of those vague prophecies spoken by a violet raven that said: Centuries from now a child shall be born in Ireland or Wales or Scotland, who might one day thwart the rise of the evil ones. Or not. Either way, as mom and dad died only to save Triona, we can leave Callan and Casey out of the query. Also the enigmatic Bran. None of them does anything. 

Start a new paragraph after "the Fomorians' rise."

I don't find Triona's decision or Finn's choice to be compelling. It's obvious what each should do, which is why I suggested the minor changes at the end of each plot paragraph.

Face-Lift 1482

Guess the Plot

Smoke Dancing

1. Vegas. 1976. Casinos, hustlers, cry babies, the mob. Yeah, that.

2. Alistair Ridley is a "smoke jumper": he parachutes into wildfires to rescue those trapped by the flames. But his real passion is ballet. Faced with a blaze whose path shifts and twirls with the wind, can he teach ten survivors the choreography that will lead them to safety?

3. Smoke. Dancing. What more do I need to say to get you to read my book?

4. As usual, it's up to one young girl to save the world, this time from the vile men who've imprisoned all the women in the world and slaughtered all the men who stood against them. Should take her a couple days.

5. Combine Smoke & Mirrors with Dirty Dancing and what do you get? My book, along with its sequel, Dirty Mirrors

Original Version

Dear [agent],

The last of the free girls has cherished a life outside of Tlaloc’s mud walls for as long as she can remember. So far, the Kinsmen have been easy to fool, dressed as she is in boy’s clothing.

But when her first blood day betrays her disguise, she becomes easy prey for the Kinsmen stalking her. [This makes it sound like they were already stalking her, but couldn't find her until her body gave her away. Hard to believe they were devoting any manpower to finding one girl who doesn't even live inside their city.]

Luckily for the girl and her boy companion, some gods still take pity on wretchlings. After a mysterious entity they call the pale one rescues them from the Kinsmen’s vile clutches, the girl seeks a vengeance commensurate with his godlike powers.

Even so, the pale one’s strange magic won’t be enough to survive a fight with the Kinsmen head-on. Instead, they’ll have to be clever: infiltrate the city, free the women and the mutilated boy slaves, kill as many Kinsmen as possible. Escape.

But the Kinsmen have not successfully rounded up the world’s remaining women and girls and slaughtered all who once stood against them by sheer luck alone. [Is this a subtle allegory describing what's gonna happen to America the next four years?] And they certainly won’t roll over for one determined girl and her pitiful boy companion, even with some outlandish godling at their side.

Now, trapped within the city’s walls, the boy lost, the pale one no longer what he seems, the girl must think fast to stay alive. Even faster if she wishes to fulfill her reckless undertaking and liberate all those the Kinsmen hold captive.  [So they succeeded in part one of their clever plan, infiltrate the city, but failed to liberate anyone, kill anyone, or escape. And now, with the boy  captured, mutilated, and enslaved, and the godling having turned out to be an illusionist, the girl, who's probably about fourteen, and has no special powers we know about, is on her own. It seems hopeless, but . . . ]  [I wouldn't mind a bit more about how she's planning to get out of this than just by thinking fast. And even faster.]

Then again, she wasn’t the last of the free girls for nothing. 

She knows sometimes a single cut is all it takes—if one only knows where to slip the blade.

SMOKE DANCING is a novel of literary fiction that mixes elements of Southern Gothic, Magic Realism, and soft sci-fi. The novel runs 86,000 words. I envision it on the shelf alongside Tender is the Flesh by Augustina Bazterrica and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse. 

I currently live in [City], California with my wife and seven-month-old son. I received an MFA in Creative Writing from [University] in 2013.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

Agent: Who are your main characters?

You: The last of the free girls (a wretchling), her pitiful boy companion (another wretchling), the pale one (a godling), and some Kinsmen.

Agent: I meant, what are their names?

You: Those are their names.

Reasons not to mention anyone's name in your query:

1. No one has a name in the book. (It's the cool thing you do that makes this literary fiction.)

2. After seeing you named your city "Tlaloc," your auto-correct refused, for your own good, to let you further embarrass yourself with the unpronounceable character names you'd chosen. For instance, every time you typed V'lechh-Quph'ht, it changed it to Emily.

Are the Kinsmen all kin of each other, or can any male earn his way into Kinsmanship? The girl apparently had friends who were boys when she was younger, so at what point and how is it decided which boys will become mutilated slaves, and which will become . . . Kinsmen? 

Just so I have it clear, all the women and girls in the world (save one) have been rounded up and are being held in one city that's surrounded by a mud wall? Either the city is the size of China and the wall is the size of the Great Wall, or the population of this world is minuscule.

This is too long, but maybe not by much; it would seem shorter if there weren't so many paragraphs. Like if you tacked P2 onto P1, and P4 onto P3 and P8 onto P7. 

If I'm a Kinsman, and I know we've already rounded up the world's remaining women and girls, and already slaughtered all who once stood against us, I'm exhausted, and ready to sit back and relax for a few decades, and when some wannabe leader tells me he thinks there's one more girl we missed, and orders me to track her down, I'm cracking open a cold beer and saying, Track him down yourself, asshole.