Not far from Rome, Trenus takes temporary refuge with the Persian legion. [You might give a brief explanation of what the Persian Legion is. And what they're doing not far from Rome. Is it a legion of Persians fighting Rome? A legion of Romans simply called The Persian Legion? I trust it's historically accurate, but a few words about why a "Persian Legion" is here would avoid questions from the historically challenged.] There, Trenus meets JEREL, a 20-year-old mercenary. Neither expect[s] the searing soul-bond that ignites between them, but Trenus quickly embraces it for the security it promises. Jerel refuses to admit the attraction, yet already he finds it impossible to abandon the boy.
Jerel helps Trenus return secretly to Rome, introducing him to a cabal of Christian and Manichaeist refugees plotting their own retaliations against the emperor from the catacombs beneath the city. Trenus, whose craft can summon and control fire, works with the leaders until he is betrayed by a Roman spy who assaults Jerel and holds him [to] ransom. Knowing Trenus's life is in danger so long as the spy lives, [If my life was in danger so long as the spy lived, and I had the power to summon and control fire, you would soon see a raging inferno engulfing the spy.] Trenus and Jerel decide to leave Rome. [Jerel decides to leave? How can he leave Rome if he's being held to ransom?] [That's ten sentences, and ten uses of the name "Trenus"; can we work in a couple pronouns?] [And don't think I haven't noticed that Trenus is an anagram for "unrest."]
They visit the Temple of Apollo where the god's sibyl reveals a chilling prophecy: The Roman gods are set to die, the Christian apocalypse is about to begin, and a mage will lead it by loosing the firehounds and giving voice to the worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge. [No prophecy that involves firehounds and worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge can be called "chilling."] The Seventh Seal must be opened, and God's Lake of Fire -- the Mouth of Hell, Mount Vesuvius -- awaits. [One simile describing the volcano is enough.]
En route to Vesuvius, Trenus and Jerel are captured by a Roman tribune, tipped [off] by one of the spy's men. Both are wounded -- Trenus in craft, Jerel in body -- the ordeal and subsequent escape drawing them emotionally closer. [If the Roman army can't even hang onto one wounded guy and a mage with depleted powers, no wonder their empire fell.]
In the crater of Vesuvius, Trenus [immediately wonders what the hell he's doing in the crater of Vesuvius.] finds and frees the firehounds. But when he tries to channel the worldfire, the backlash triggers a volcanic eruption. Trenus's craft is consumed, [ending his immunity to fire, and he burns to a crisp in the lava flow,] a cruel but blessed loss. For it's the sacrifice of his magecraft to the worldfire that opens the Seventh Seal, setting in motion the two-thousand-year apocalypse. It's also the final catalyst Jerel needs to surrender soul and self to Trenus's love.
Even as lava from Vesuvius flows, Diocletian -- bowing to prophecy and threat from a mage who can command volcanoes -- abdicates the imperial throne, ending the persecutions and preparing the way for Constantine to usher in a new era in Rome.
Revised Version
304 A.D. Roman Emperor Diocletian's praetorian guard march against the Church, and 17-year-old TRENUS uses his magecraft to help repel the soldiers. But the Church elders, rather than show gratitude, censure Trenus as they have all mages. Forced to flee, the devout young man vows to gain absolution by ending Rome's religious persecutions.
Not far from Rome, Trenus takes refuge with the "Persian legion," a ragtag group of gay soldiers. There he meets JEREL, a 20-year-old mercenary. Neither expects the searing soul-bond that ignites between them, but Trenus quickly embraces it for the security it promises. Jerel refuses to admit the attraction, yet already he finds it impossible to abandon the boy.
Jerel helps Trenus return secretly to Rome, introducing him to a cabal of Christian and Manichaeist refugees plotting their own retaliations against the emperor from the catacombs beneath the city. Trenus, whose craft can summon and control fire, works with the leaders -- until a Roman spy assaults Jerel and holds him to ransom. Trenus negotiates Jerel's release, and the two leave Rome.
They visit the Temple of Apollo where the god's sibyl reveals that the Roman gods are set to die, the Christian apocalypse looms, and a mage will initiate all of this by loosing the firehounds and giving voice to the worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge. The Seventh Seal must be opened; Mount Vesuvius -- the Mouth of Hell -- awaits.
En route to Vesuvius, Trenus and Jerel are captured by a Roman tribune. Both are wounded -- Trenus in craft, Jerel in body -- but manage to escape by disguising themselves as pizza chefs from Venice. The ordeal draws them emotionally closer.
In the crater of Vesuvius, Trenus frees the firehounds, but when he tries to channel the worldfire, the backlash triggers a volcanic eruption. His craft is consumed; but the sacrifice of his magecraft opens the Seventh Seal, and sets in motion the apocalypse. It also acts as the catalyst Jerel needs to surrender soul and self to Trenus's love.
Even as lava from Vesuvius flows, Diocletian, bowing to prophecy -- and a young mage who can command volcanoes -- abdicates the imperial throne, ending the persecutions and preparing the way for Constantine to usher in a new era in Rome.
Can you guess which guy is wearing the uniform of an actual praetorian guard and which is a transvestite wearing an outfit purchased at J.C. Penney? Clue: The bigger the helmet crest, the bigger the . . . sword.
It seems odd for Trenus, who I assume has converted to Christianity, to bring forth the Christian apocalypse by giving voice to the worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge. I would expect Trenus doesn't believe in the existence of Vulcan, or the accuracy of Apollo's sibyl.
As I understand it (from Wikipedia), the Roman Empire was divided into east and west, with Diocletian ruling the east, and Maximian the west, and while both east and west had separate capitals, neither capital was Rome. That being the case, is Rome the logical place for refugees to plot their retaliations against Diocletian? Especially as Maximian would be the emperor closest to Rome? Just asking.
You could give us an idea of how Trenus's power is manifested, perhaps by showing what he does to help the leaders in the catacombs. The ability to summon and control fire seems like it would be a big advantage in terms of getting what you want.
43 comments:
Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?
Like EE, I also find it strange that Trenus, "a devout" (is that a noun?) Christian, puts much stock in what the oracle of Apollo has to say about Vulcan's Forge. Or that the oracle of Apollo would have much to say about the Christian Apocalypse, when it comes down to it. This mix-and-match faith seems off to me.
In the beginning of the synopsis, you say that Trenus's goal is "to gain absolution." At the end of the synopsis, you don't tell us whether the church welcomes him back or all his efforts were for nothing.
I think "guard marches" is correct. It's a unit. You wouldn't say, "the praetorian group march..." would you?
Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?
Wow. How old are you?
I'm having trouble with "the Christian apocalypse" because It is the twilight of the Roman deities and not the the Christian apocalypse described in the last book of the New Testament.
Perhaps my confusion is caused by the imprecise use of God and gods for the Christian God and the Roman deities. I know apocalyptic beliefs were floating around in this historical time but is it reasonable for the Oracle at the Temple of Apollo to predict both the fall of Roman deities and the the Christian apocalypse? That calls up so much baggage of the "tribulation" and End Times.
Are you sure that you want to get mired in that much eschatology? Or is it that Trenus can restore the Roman deities and prevent the rise of the Christian God on Vesuvius? When he can't control the worldfire (shades of Loge) the Roman deities lose and the time of the Christian God begins?
I really don't want to provoke a long discussion of this, I just need the author to clarify what the novel says and perhaps change the wording to match.
You wouldn't say, "the praetorian group march..." would you?
I might. Most sites I've checked suggest that if the entire group act(s) as one, it takes a singular verb. If the members do their own thing, it's plural. For example:
The football team is on the road. Singular verb.
But . . . After the game, the football team shower, dress and head for their homes. Plural verbs.
So the question is, is the praetorian guard marching as a single unit against the Church, or are their members going to different places and acting against different people?
Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?
Wow. How old are you?
Really, really old. :-)
Which is why I'm having trouble thinking back to my college days, when I was a Classical Studies major and learned all this stuff.
So the question is, is the praetorian guard marching as a single unit against the Church, or are their members going to different places and acting against different people?
Hmm. If it's that ambiguous, I might be inclined to rephrase the sentence to be clear: i.e. ...the members of the praetorian guard march... or something similar.
I think the issue here, really, is that it's not really clear if the sentence refers to "guard" as a single person or "guard" as a group working in unison.
Using different words would seem to be the way to go...
"[If my life was in danger so long as the spy lived, and I had the power to summon and control fire, you would soon see a raging inferno engulfing the spy.]"
and
"Clue: The bigger the helmet crest, the bigger the . . . sword."
EE, you made my day.
I don't yet know what I think about the synopsis - I'm gonna have to do a reread - I really enjoy reading history - and a novel based on historical events would be interesting to me - but I confess I don't know much about this 'time'.
However, the mercenary/mage attraction thing - I'm definitely there, history or not. Tell me more.
But guys, surely this is an alternate reality, not historical fiction. 'Cause as far as I know, there weren't really mages mixed up with Diocletian. So I don't know that we can really demand "accuracy" here.
I did find the rewrite much easier to read. I especially enjoyed the bit about the pizza chefs, and was disappointed to go back to the original and see it wasn't there. Author, consider adding the pizza chef plot.
-mb
It's described as historical fantasy (in Face-Lift 396). It's my impression the author is aiming for historic accuracy. Plus mages.
Pizza was not invented in Italy. Wake up and smell the crust. IN NAPLES.
Pizza (as we know it) was invented in Naples for the visit of Princess Margherita of Italy in 1880.
Naples had a flatbread covered with tomato but it wasn't what anyone calls "pizza" today. It was the food of the poor and lower-classes flavored with oil, lard, tallow, cheese, tomato, or anchovies. FIshermen at it at nights after they returned to port.
I can just see the little Italian fisherman's wife with two knitting needles holding her bun, a gold tooth and a mole on her left cheek, throwing the roughly kneaded dough on the board, slopping oil or some other fat on it, sloshing the cold red sauce and some bits of cheese and yesterday's anchovy on it, then baking it over the dying embers of the baking over. That was good enough for her man when he got home.
I'm a romantic, ain't I?
I vote for the pizza chef subplot too. I picture two guys with fake mustaches, tossing pizza dough in the air while singing, I eat antipasta twice just because she is so nice, Angelina...
Also, most history is fantasy anyway, so what's the big deal?
No one said pizza was invented in Italy.
Fishermen at it at nights after they returned to port.
I didn't sleep well last night. I suspect it may have been a fisherman at it in the hotel room next to mine. Three freaking times. Why do they design hotels so the beds in adjoining rooms share the dividing wall?
"I suspect it may have been a fisherman at it in the hotel room next to mine. Three freaking times..."
...or maybe that was Trenus and Jerel, making up for all of that lost time. Yeah, I'm going with that one. Gives me nicer pictures to contemplate.
Maybe one of 'em even wore a helmet. You never know, so that's what I'm going with.
I was gonna end there - but I just typed in that word ver thing - and it's: suhsucm. I couldn't quite believe it, but, yeah, there it was, starin' me right in the eye.
Maybe one of 'em even wore a helmet.
Based on what I heard, his helmet was up front and center.
One thing to be aware of on the whole "guard" as singular or plural thing is that there are definite dialectal differences on this. In some dialects of English, "the crowd is going wild" while in others "the crowd are going wild". The second one makes me cringe in horror, but it's the only correct way to say it for other dialects of English. I'd go with whatever the history books you are reading do, particularly if they are published in the same area of the world as the publishers you are seeking. In other words, don't use an Australian book as a grammar model if you are submitting to NY houses. The only correct answer is the one that lets you communicate more easily with agents, editors, and readers.
I haven't heard "the crowd are going wild" before. I have heard "the crowds are going wild" which does make some sense.
In British English, names of towns and countries take plural verbs when they refer to sports teams but singular verbs when they refer to the actual place: England are playing Germany tonight refers to a football game, but England is the most populous country of the United Kingdom refers to the country. In North American English, such words are invariably treated as singular.
As Dave notes, different strokes for different countries, as pointed out in this usage note:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/collective%20noun
England are playing Germany tonight refers to a football game...
Actually, in British English both forms are used. I've heard "England are playing", "England is playing", "England play".
However, if Germany are/is involved, it is/are not a game.
Oh, we can put punctuation outside the quotes too, which is very liberating. Much as the allies were in France in...
I've been reading/editing a Brit's short story. One of the Briticisms in the story that struck me as funny was, "she fell pregnant."
He was as surprised that I found the phrase odd as I was to see it. (And I don't believe it is a crude phrase, like "she got knocked up.")
When reading a Brit's writing, I ignore plurals and prepositions, which are "different to" American ones.
EE, the "knocked up" thing reminded me of a project from a few years ago wherein I was trying to construct a list of "euphomorphisms," a term that, as far as I know, I coined. I started that after the first appearance of snigglet lists. The only example I remember is "got knocked up with child," a combination of the crude "got knocked up" and the euphemistic "with child." Could this be one of your exercises?
Possibly, though a couple more examples would help us get the hang of it.
All of this illustrates why I hate Synopsis.
I write a novel of 260 pages and the thought of a dreaded synopsis scares me worse than a Vesuvius eruption.
suppose.wordpress.com
If I were the editor (which the reading public is probably glad I'm not), I would expect "praetorian guard" to be capped.
As "Diocletian's" is performing the role of an adjective here, rather than that of a noun, "his" must refer to the Guard. Maybe "When the Praetorian Guard marches against the Church in 304CE, 17 year-old TRENUS must use his magecraft to fight Diocletian's elite soldiers." Or something of that ilk.
Historical/ Mythological Nits - the Oracle of Apollo was the Oracle at Delphi. Referring to it as anything else will drive people who know the time frame and mythology crazy.
Vesuvius erupted primarily ash. It was the ash and not the lava flow that buried two cities.
Sibyl was a monster that bedeviled Odyseuss.
The Persion legion? The actual Persion army? It was mostly trying to wipe Rome and Greece out at this time. I doubt it would offer them support if that's who you mean.
If you are trying for historical/ alternate history fiction you need to get the terminology right.
EE should definately continue the Synopsis thing past the test group.
Most of my other comments have already been picked up. I would like some idea of whether he gets absolution now that he's not a mage or if he cares in the end.
Vesuvius' 79 AD eruption was gas, a pyroclastic flow, and mud. It still seems to have had some fire fountains, but not lava.
FWIW any time a volcano erupts like Vesuvius it's called a 'Plinian eruption'.
Helps to have a volcanologist in the family.
I went back and read the face-lift. Phoenix, I think this reads much better, given EE's suggestions.
From the revised version
I liked the first paragraph, it captures the conflict immediately:
304 A.D. Roman Emperor Diocletian's praetorian guard march against the Church, and 17-year-old TRENUS uses his magecraft to help repel the soldiers. But the Church elders, rather than show gratitude, censure Trenus as they have all mages. Forced to flee, the devout young man vows to gain absolution by ending Rome's religious persecutions.
The second paragraph fell flat. I can't say why, but it just didn't spark. Perhaps talk about Trenus' abilities and why Jerel is drawn to him. I want more emotion in this paragraph:
Not far from Rome, Trenus takes refuge with the "Persian legion," a ragtag group of gay soldiers. There he meets JEREL, a 20-year-old mercenary. Neither expects the searing soul-bond that ignites between them, but Trenus quickly embraces it for the security it promises. Jerel refuses to admit the attraction, yet already he finds it impossible to abandon the boy.
The third paragraph is almost there. I think the first sentence is too long.
Jerel helps Trenus return secretly to Rome, introducing him to a cabal of Christian and Manichaeist refugees plotting their own retaliations against the emperor from the catacombs beneath the city. Trenus, whose craft can summon and control fire, works with the leaders -- until a Roman spy assaults Jerel and holds him to ransom. Trenus negotiates Jerel's release, and the two leave Rome.
The fourth paragraph lost me, but I'm no expert on this time period. Perhaps your audience will be. I thought the Temple of Apollo was too much detail.
They visit the Temple of Apollo where the god's sibyl reveals that the Roman gods are set to die, the Christian apocalypse looms, and a mage will initiate all of this by loosing the firehounds and giving voice to the worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge. The Seventh Seal must be opened; Mount Vesuvius -- the Mouth of Hell -- awaits.
I want some more emotion in this paragraph, it seems pivotal:
En route to Vesuvius, Trenus and Jerel are captured by a Roman tribune. Both are wounded -- Trenus in craft, Jerel in body -- but manage to escape by disguising themselves as pizza chefs from Venice. The ordeal draws them emotionally closer.
Last two paragraphs: I think these can be shortened and combined.
In the crater of Vesuvius, Trenus frees the firehounds, but when he tries to channel the worldfire, the backlash triggers a volcanic eruption. His craft is consumed; but the sacrifice of his magecraft opens the Seventh Seal, and sets in motion the apocalypse. It also acts as the catalyst Jerel needs to surrender soul and self to Trenus's love.
Even as lava from Vesuvius flows, Diocletian, bowing to prophecy -- and a young mage who can command volcanoes -- abdicates the imperial throne, ending the persecutions and preparing the way for Constantine to usher in a new era in Rome.
Anyway, just a few thoughts. I don't read this genre, but I gave it a shot.
Best of luck with this. I think it sounds like it's a great book!
Church Lady
I was hungry, really hungry. I was having an emotional relationship with pizza. Love at first bite.
;)
Author here.
The synopsis stuff:
A HUGE thank you, everyone -- and especially EE! Great rewrite, which I shall snitch from unashamedly, and I loved the snide comments (church's apse and not chilling are my faves!). You all have been MUCH kinder than I thought you'd be regarding the synopsis. Maybe I'm too close, but for me it doesn't have the voice I want it to or enough historical flavor.
Good point, all, about not tying back the absolution part (dang the 400-word limit. I cut most of this part, hoping no one would notice, but had to leave some of it in to explain motivation). If you're interested, the guy who becomes pope around the time Diocletian abdicates is historically pretty liberal. And he's the only one in the church where Trenus is raised that knows the boy's a mage. So, yeah, Trenus gets absolution.
Mmm... pizza.
Funny thing, Church Lady, the 'graph you point to as seeming pivotal really isn't. Well, the events are, yes, in the story, but not really necessary in the synopsis except to point to another obstacle and a way to get the guys growing closer. I almost ditched it altogether and left it in last minute just to see what people would say about it.
And I feel the Temple of Apollo 'graph is overlong, too, but it's my reason this prophecy fantasy story is different from all the billions of prophecy fantasies out there so I suppose I was trying to hammer in that point. It is different. I swear it's different. Really, it is!
Which brings me to ... the religious stuff:
I DO want to want to get mired in that much eschatology, Dave. I want to say that prophecy will out no matter whether it's John the Prophet (Revelation) or the Sibyl of Apollo doing the prophesying. Especially since the Greco-Roman gods don't have their own apocalypse or Ragnorak or other End of the World rhetoric. So yeah, it mixes religions with a purpose.
The firehounds are what the Roman gods call the four beasts that attend the Throne and who are present each time a Seal is opened. Vulcan captures the beasts hoping to stave off his impending doom. I obviously over-belabored the point that Vulcan's Forge is the same as the Mouth of Hell, which is the same as God's Lake of Fire, which is the same as Mount Vesuvius. It's also the firehounds/beasts that will set the flaming cross into the sky for Constantine to see a few years down the road.
The grammar stuff:
I've gone back and forth with capping and uncapping "praetorian guard" -- like the collective noun thing, nothing really definitive. Different style guides will point different directions... (I work with a global community in my editor role at my day job, and in the UK, a company name takes the plural, even when referring to the company as a single unit. But it always looks weird to my US sensibilities.)
The historical stuff:
Vesuvius spewed out lots of gas and stone, yes, but there's lava in that there volcano, too.
http://www.ingentaconnect.com/
content/bsc/gji/2005/
00000163/00000002/art00007
And pictures from a more recent eruption:
http://digitallibrary.smu.edu/
cul/gir/ww2/mcsc/italy/pages/mcs102it.htm
The lava flow reference is there simply to indicate Diocletian abdicates pretty quickly, not to infer the lava is burying anything. If it's coming across that way, I need to change that phrase. It was a toss-off anyway.
Oracle/Sibyl - many oracles (usually the Greek term) and sibyls (usually the Roman term) in the day; people all know the famous Oracle at Delphi, but there was one at Didyma and one in Rome, and elsewhere, too.
Sibyl as a monster bedeviling Odysseus? Hmmm...perhaps you're thinking of Scylla (also spelled Skylla)?
Persian army (Sassanids) was/were (choose your own collective noun verb form) fighting in Italy at this time. Skirmishes mostly, because the Romans had pretty much put them in their place. Almost a "gentleman's war." There were also a lot of Persian Manichaeists who were being persecuted along with the Christians, so there was religious sympathy between Persians and Christians; hence, they would be accepting of a Christian escaping Rome. Especially if he were a mage, in this story.
Milan is the official capital of the empire during this time, but Rome is still the big bad, and where most of the persecutions take place. Maximian is just a figurehead, and the persecution edicts are issued by Diocletian. So it's like when you have a suicide bomber outside an embassy in Africa, but the bomb is directed to the American president.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond! It's always eye-opening to see where people stumble over stuff you think is obvious and vice versa.
Nitting at nits:
Sibyl was a priestess of Apollo who prophesied by his inspiration. The most famous was the Cumaean Sibyl who, in Virgil, directed Aeneas to Hades.
I almost ditched it altogether and left it in last minute just to see what people would say about it.
I also almost ditched it, but there needs to be some transition from the previous paragraph to being in the crater. If you ditch their capture, there should still be a "They make their way to the volcano" sentence added to one of the surrounding paragraphs.
Evil Editor said... Possibly, though a couple more examples would help us get the hang of it.
EE, euphemorphism examples. This is informational; I won't be heart-broken if you don't post it.
--Child making--
Knocked up with child
--Experienced ladies and gentlemen--
Lady of the baudy evening
Living in sin together
Sleep undressed with
Consenting horny adults
--Ample people--
Big-ass boned.
--Lack of respiration--
No longer kicking the bucket with us (rare double-euphemism)
Go down for the third and last time
Go the way of all dead flesh
Bought the worm farm
Have your casket ticket punched
EE; Just curious - how many synopses did you receive? Enough interest to make this a regular feature?
Hmm, yeah, but to my UK sensibilities it looks wrong uncapped! lol These are the guys protecting the Emperor (usually)--they deserve capital letters ;).
I mistakenly assumed Persian Legion was the name of one of the Roman legions--like the Fulminata--but Google soon showed me the error of my ways. I think "Persian army" would reduce the opportunities for confusion.
How many synopses did you receive? Enough interest to make this a regular feature?
Four. Pretty much no interest. Of course I put the window at an inconvenient time, to avoid getting a hundred, but apparently I needn't have worried. As we often run low on queries, I could just include synopses in the query queue.
I should point out that it wasn't/isn't my intention to do revised versions of every synopsis, but I did want to get a few samples on the blog.
Wonder if this novel would be best displayed by a different form of synopsis, one sectioned by characters, historical background, etc.
My guess is - most people didn't have a snyopsis ready to send, and the short notice made it tough to come up with one quickly - but that beats receiving 100, as you mentioned.
I think this is really helpful- thanks for doing it.
It looks like a boatload of work for you.
Pretty much no interest. Of course I put the window at an inconvenient time...
Well, it was also a pretty short window for developing a 400-word synopsis (Church Lady and I both clocked in at 399 words, I think). CL trimmed hers from 1000+ words and I created mine new. I have two other works that I've already written synopses for, but they're longer than 400 words, and I didn't have the time to rework them to meet the deadline. Whereas most writers ready to submit have a one-page (or less) query and pages ready to go.
But being able to submit either a query or a synopsis might generate more interest. Thanks for considering synopses!
Yay me for getting mine in early to get the advantage of your rewrite!
I like the sound of this story (and understand it better now) much more than I did when I read the query (or NB?) or both? Might the firebird be using anachronisms later on??? Oh! does your sibyl have multiple personalities?
I totally missed the window. I saw the first synopsis and thought you'd hand-picked some minions for a trial run. My bad. I happened to have been working on a synopsis to shorten it.
There once was a Roman named Trenus
Whose helmet plume nomen obscenus.
It sat on his head
In Vesuvian red
While he waved it about like a...sword.
pulp
wow, pulp - good one!
You rhymed right around one of my all-time favorite words.
Well, that's it. Pulp wins this thread. Turn in your chips, this round's over.
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