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Face-Lift 1023

Guess the Plot

Seven

1. When Bob disrobes on his wedding night, Hallie's face takes on a look of delighted astonishment. "Now you know," Bob says, "why they call me The Magnificent Seven."

2. Pregnant with septuplets, Stacey is set to become a household name, a reality TV star. Then she gets pipped by the Octomom and faces a life of fatigue, unrelenting stress and poverty.

3. Seven has the ability to enter other people's dreams. Asked to enter the dreams of a comatose girl, she does, and finds the girl locked in a prison guarded by men in suits and fedoras. Can Seven orchestrate a prison break?

4. Detective Ten senses that something doesn't add up. Did the remains found in Seven's backyard really belong to the missing Nine, or was it just the head of a homeless Zero? Was Six telling the truth, or were he and Nine closer than he let on? Or was this all part of a conspiracy by a secret society, the Irrationals, to turn the Integers against each other ?

5. All of the Bates children are perfect little angels--polite, cheerful, active without being rowdy--until they turn seven. That's when they develop claws, fangs, and attitudes.

6. Henry Miller's life falls apart spectacularly every seven years. He doesn't know why, but he needs to find out before his thirty-fifth birthday. His shrink thinks something happened to Henry when he was seven years old. With the help of hypnotism, Henry's going back to the second grade.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Seven Bristow spends each night trapped in someone else’s dream. She spends each school day [She? I'm pretty sure Seven is a boy's name.] attempting to avoid the notice of her fellow high school students. If someone notices her too much, chances are she’ll play a starring role in their nighttime fantasy. [She's trapped in someone's dream every night. Why does she want to avoid starring in her fellow students' dreams?]

When she runs into Carter Maxwell four times in a single afternoon, she’s sure she’ll be visiting his dreams. When it doesn’t happen, she wonders what made the difference. [Allow me to explain. Running into someone four times could mean he notices you for a total of a couple minutes. Whereas sitting in one of your classrooms you can be noticed for an hour by the nerdy kid who has a crush on you.] She gets the chance to find out when Carter invites her to participate in his science experiment - a sleep pattern study.

During the study, Seven learns Carter can’t reach REM sleep and that she has the ability to match REM sleep patterns with another sleeper. She soon learns how to manipulate the dreamscape and her role in it.

Carter asks Seven to visit the dreams of his twin sister Caroline and help bring her out of a three-year coma before his parents pull the plug. [So now she can enter the dream of someone who has never noticed her? I'm not clear on why we spent the whole first paragraph on this "noticing" aspect.] When Seven finds the girl locked in a prison guarded by shadowy men in suits and fedoras, [She's being guarded by the cast of Mad Men.] she rallies a few friends to join the dreamscape. [Is she still asleep when she rallies them?] Using her dream skills, Seven orchestrates a prison break and returns to the conscious world with Caroline.

Seven is an 80,000 word young adult science fiction novel with series potential. Thank you for your time.


Notes

What are her dream skills? Can she dream up the key to a cell door? Can she dream up an army with futuristic weapons? Can she dream up some Kryptonite if the person whose dream she enters dreams of Superman? In other words, is she all-powerful in the dreamscape or does she need to use her wits to defeat Caroline's captors?

The name "Seven" will remind everyone of the Seinfeld episode in which George decided he would name his first child Seven. Can't you come up with a more original number? Not 13, that's been used on House. And 5 was used in Peanuts. 6 was The Prisoner... Have you considered going with an actual name?

Face-Lift 1022

Guess the Plot

Past and Present

1. Detective Duncan keeps getting anonymous tips that pan out. Turns out the tips are coming from a guy named Hugh who claims he's from the future so he knows everything that will happen in the present because it's his past. Duncan offers to hook Hugh up with a good shrink.

2. As a nonogenarian wraps Christmas gifts for each of her relatives, she reflects on things they and others have done to annoy her over the course of her long life.

3. Tired of being a vampire, Jason travels back 500 years in order to prevent himself from turning into one . . . and gets bitten by a werewolf.

4. A Vermont coven of witches discover how to travel into the past as ghosts. They decide to right the wrongs of New England’s past by building goodwill for witches, but they also break a barrier holding back a clutch of demons. As the witches right wrongs, the demons wreak havoc and frame the witches.

5. When Lars Sekkin, first pilot of a new time machine, goes back 50 years into the past, everyone thinks he'll return quickly. Instead he falls in love, and stays in the past. Only one problem remains: How do you explain to everyone else that you are your own grandfather?

6. Bertrand is a Newvisioner; he revises media in the National Database to fit current ideology. The mind-erase technology used in his programmings leaves dozens of versions of historical events in his brain. When his psyche splits, Bertrand goes on a rampage, impersonating history's greatest assassins.






Original Version

When Detective Scotty Duncan starts receiving tips on his answering machine, his first thought is that some nut job out there likes him, because every tip leads to an arrest. But when his tipster [A cop would say "informant." "Tipster" doesn't sound macho enough. Likewise, the villain would be referred to as the "perp," not the "bad guy."] calls in [Reports? Predicts?] a murder with a few too many details, he tracks down the man as a suspect. He finds Hugh Everett, a young man who claims he’s from the future. [If someone claims to be from the future, it's almost certainly true. How many people who aren't from the future are stupid enough to think you'll believe them if they claim they are?]

Everett has an alibi for the murder, [The alibi "I was in the year 2238" will wash only with the most gullible of cops.] and a warning for Duncan. The murderer, according to Everett, will kill four more people before disappearing. And one of them is Duncan. [The guy came from the future to save four people? Why didn't he come to a slightly earlier time and save the latest victim too? For that matter, why isn't he trying to save thousands or millions of people instead of four?] [Unless . . . Of course! The murderer is also from the future and Everett is on a mission to prevent the murderer from killing Duncan because Duncan's as-yet-unborn child's grandchild cures cancer or invents a Beagle that doesn't puke up its dinner on the new carpet.]

Armed with his revolver, his coffee-addict partner, and a whole lot of skepticism, Duncan sets out to uncover the murderer…and maybe get some psychiatric help for Everett.


Notes

Presumably this is not the entire query, and you thought we'd be bored with the word count and genre. Or you just didn't want to listen to comments like Your book is too long or Your book is too short, or That doesn't sound anything like an epic fantasy.

This situation sparks my interest, but I want more than the setup. I'm guessing there comes a time when Duncan realizes Everett is on the level. What happens then? What screws up the plan? You have room to tell us more than the situation.

What are these tips Everett is providing that lead to arrests? Are they for lesser crimes than murder? Did he come from the future to prevent a mugging? If I want to convince you I have advance knowledge, I'm not gonna tell you Mrs. Smith will have her purse snatched tomorrow. I'll tell you the Cubs and Yankees will play a 15-inning game with a final score of 8 - 6, and then I'll throw in the exact scores of every other game that day. And I'll bring along a copy of next Thursday's New York Times.

Check out Replay by Ken Grimwood.

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New Beginning 942

Some months after my cousin took a bad fall down the grand staircase of his home, I called on him for an extended stay. I arrived but a short hour before the doctor was to arrive for one last examination, and he, having burned off any inherent bashfulness at boarding school and again in the army, invited me to stay and chat throughout the examination.

The doctor struck a match and passed it before my cousin's eyes to watch his pupils follow it; snapped his fingers at either ear to see if he started. My cousin's joints were flicked and found adequate. The doctor seemed pleased with his recovery."

"Has your appetite been well?" he asked, writing mysterious marks into a notebook.

"Strong as ever," said my cousin. "Stay for tea and I shall prove it."

"And your libido?"

"Positively libid."

"And how have you slept?"

I saw my cousin hesitate for a slip of a moment before saying, "Never deeper. Never deeper."

"Appetite and libido good?" The doctor's face wrinkled his concern. "And yet you're sleeping deep? Hmmm."

The omnipresent author slipped my cousin a note. His face lit up, and he spoke with a renewed vigour.

"Maybe I've discovered some fantasy dream world the rest of this story will be about, in which I'm some testosterone-fueled centaur laird taking a stand against the nouveau teen vampire chic with hooves a-blazing."

"Might work," said the doctor, tossing aside his stethoscope, "but you reckoned without the Snake Lords of the Preposterous!"

As serpents slid from beneath his Red Cross poncho, I sensed it was time to play my own hand. It roared from my wrist, half Addams Family appendage, half Fireball XL5 rocket propulsion blast, and stabbed a series of alien-looking sigils into my cousin's bare chest.

EQUINE RELATIVE!

I SUMMON YOUR ASS

AS AN AMPUTEE WIZARD ENRAGED!

TOGETHER WE WILL BATTLE THESE SERPENT MEDICS!

AND SAVE ALL HUMANITY—

"Ha!" cried the doctor. "Your edict has fallen foul of the terminal navel. If you're gonna inscribe a call to arms on a torso, do it on a giant where there's more room to flow freely."

The omnipresent author slipped my cousin another note.

"Forget the horses and the snakes. Looks like we're going with romance."

No need for further words. The three of us embraced each other on the hospital bed. Then we kissed like harlots, ready to spawn some fantasy love child...

Opening: 150.....Continuation: Whirlochre

Friday Film Noir

New Beginning 941

Vince looked at me tiredly. I slouched in my chair and looked back as blankly as possible.

“It was a good job, Maus. What was your problem?”

I stared at him, long enough to irritate and not quite long enough to make him repeat himself. Then I said, “Dunno.”

His eyes narrowed, always a danger signal to me. Very levelly, he said, “The problem was that it was legal.”

“It was the manager,” I lied. “He didn’t like me.”

His eyes got even narrower, and he worked his jaw for a minute. If he’d verbalized that expression, he would’ve been saying, I’m not going to punch your face, no matter how much you tempt me to. He looked back down at my file for a moment, long enough to get his temper back under control. Then he told me, “I know the manager. He’s helped a lot of kids with a good job. He's patient, and he likes working with kids.” He met my eyes. “The truth, Maus, is that you don’t want to be helped.”

“The truth," I said, “is he’s all patience and virtue when it comes to Face Lifts and Guess the Plots, but I was two minutes late with his cheese danish. There is no happy ending to that scenario.”

Vince picked up the file with my manuscript and sighed. “I guess we could try self-publishing.”

“Too late.” I buried my head in my hands. “Evil Editor blacklisted me there, too.”

Opening: Rachel Roy.....Continuation: PLaF

Face-Lift 1021

Guess the Plot

Illuvica

1. In the mystyc land of Faeyrynn a young fey must fight to reclaim his throne and . . . oh, hell. You've already stopped reading, haven't you?

2. Remus Longbow is a plucky orphan destined to find a sword, become a mighty warrior, and then die in combat with the dragon Illuvica before the real hero shows up.

3. When Dr. Shortbread synthesizes a new molecule he calls Illuvica, he has no idea that he has created a substance making people irresistible to the opposite sex. Which is useless to him because he's gay. Can he destroy the substance before his boyfriends all defect?

4. Archeologist Len Bianchi, exploring Rome’s oldest catacombs dating from the third century B.C., opens a crypt releasing Illuvica, the demigod vampire of felines. The Romans sealed her off over two thousand years ago. Now she’s really pissed--especially about that stupid dog thing--and wants revenge on all Italy.

5. Andi Smirnov, the only human still living on a generational starship, survives alone, becomes a cyborg, and finds happiness with the ghost of the ship on a new world.

6. Parry goes to Illuvica to sell pumpkins. But war suddenly breaks out and Parry's big brother Leo is jailed for murdering the king. Can Parry save Leo and Illuvica? More importantly, can he do so without magic, which is a no-no?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Parry Vine can’t wait to travel to a nearby kingdom to help his brother and sister sell pumpkins from their family farm. [Yes, selling pumpkins does sound exciting.] [Basically it means standing next to a pile of pumpkins all day and occasionally someone takes one and gives you five dollars. Though in olden days it was more like five cents.] But when they arrive in Pierceland [So named because all the inhabitants have piercings], excitement quickly turns to despair. Parry’s brother Leo is thrown in jail and falsely accused of poisoning King Radkor. [Kings generally have enough bodyguards around them to prevent pumpkin merchants from slipping poison into their mead. Plus they have food tasters. Plus, even if the king's chef bought a pumpkin, he wouldn't feed it to the king raw, so how quickly could the king have been poisoned by Leo?] 

The beloved king’s death throws all three kingdoms of Illuvica into chaos, [What is Illuvica? A planet? A continent? A video game?] with the Vine siblings in the middle of it all. Parry gets his hands on an important artifact that could buy Leo’s freedom, as long as he can deliver it to the right person.

[Parry: They think my brother murdered the king. I need to get him out of jail before they hang him.

The Right Person: I hear you have the fabled Scissors of Endor. Perhaps we can work out a deal.]

War breaks out, and Nora is caught in the crossfire, [Nora? Who's Nora? Ah, is that the sister mentioned way back in the first sentence? If you name the siblings in sentence 1 it'll save having to later identify them.] searching for a way to help the soldiers without getting in the way herself. [Drop Nora from the query. She's only there for eye candy.] Meanwhile, Leo attempts to escape from prison with no help from his cellmate, a clever princess with a sharp mind but a cold shoulder. [They lock the guy suspected of poisoning the king in a cell with the princess?] [There's a reason men and women aren't put in the same cell: jail is supposed to be punishment.]

And beyond the battlefield, someone is plotting another murder and scheming to break the bonds that have kept magic out of Illuvica for over a century.

If the Vine siblings ever want to return safely to their hometown, they must reunite and work together to stop magic from being released. [The place is at war. And releasing magic would worsen the situation?] But in spite of what he has been told about the dangers of magic, letting it loose might be the only way for Parry to emerge from the shadow of his older siblings. Will Parry put everyone he loves in danger to achieve his dreams? [What has been told about the dangers of magic?] [What are these dreams Parry wants to achieve?]

ILLUVICA, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 65,000 words and would work as a stand-alone novel or as the first installment in a series. [How old is Parry? As the youngest of the siblings, and the star of the show, I assumed this was middle grade. Are high school kids gonna want to read about Parry the pumpkinmonger?] [Parry the Pumpkinmonger would be a good title if you convert it to a children's picture book.]

I am an award-winning composer of choral music and a middle school band teacher. [Please buy my book for six figures and set me free.] When I’m not teaching seventh graders to play “Hot Cross Buns” [If you'd teach them something by Maroon 5 or Gaga they might stop hating you.] I am usually blogging about the books I read or sewing costumes for comic book conventions and renaissance faires.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The main issue here is the release of magic. Apparently the release of magic will help Leo get out of jail and help Parry achieve his dream. But . . . But what? What's the downside of releasing magic? How does it put everyone in danger?

Why does the death of Pierceland's king throw the other kingdoms into chaos?

This is mainly a list of a few things that happen. We don't need to know what Nora's doing or that Leo tries to escape from prison or who his cellmate is. Focus on Parry's goals (to free Leo and achieve the dream of emerging from his siblings' shadow?), his plan, and what's at stake if his plan backfires.

Somehow saying Parry can't wait to help his brother and sister sell the pumpkins doesn't sound like the same kid who's trying to emerge from their shadows. Or maybe it sounds like the same kid but not at the same age.

New Beginning 940

I remember sadness from when I was a little girl.  Death had taken someone close to my family but i was too young to comprehend the full impact or remember the details.  In my teens death was harsh and in three.  First my cousin, lost to cancer.  She younger than me.  Then the soccer player.  Instant inexplicable death in the locker room after practice.  Finally my friend.  My Christopher all golden haired and perfect.  That fateful day he had called... I wasn’t home, was on my way to see him.  His death hit me like a tidal wave.  Couldn’t breathe, think.  Couldn’t eat for days.  Thoughts of the trigger pull, the body lying in puddles of thick red blood.  Forever congealed in my memory.

So much blood.  Not Dexter’s mother’s death in a boxcar blood.  But years after Christopher death decided to taunt me.  What would I do to save a life?  Always in the wrong place at the wrong time incapable of saving anyone a trio of attempted suicide’s came my way.  I sound like I started to take the grim reaper personally.  As if he had some ill intentioned manner to come after me, my friends, my life, and leave it drained; it certainly felt that way.  There was Andrew, letters written in blood from states away.  I didn’t take him seriously, who does that kind of thing?  Well he did, ended up permanently damaged and locked away.

Shortly thereafter followed Jon.  He was damaged from the start of our brief engagement.  Scar ridden body I figured he was more into torture than the real thing.  Body half eaten alive by Heroine and who knows what else.  The tragic guitar player I couldn’t escape despite my best efforts.  Until one day I finally did.  Took a new job, moved my things into storage and hit the road.  The phone call to my hotel room late at night as his blood filled the tub.  Did he really want to die?  He lost enough to, but the cops beet the door down and stuffed new blood in the places where he’d emptied out his own.  Several months in a hospital and he never tried it again.  Maybe the blood he was born with wasn’t good enough.  Dead already.  Suffocated him without his knowing and all it took was a quick transfusion to fix him.

With the record of grisly deaths (not The Thing grisly with the spit-drooling dogs; the old black and white version) everyone i come in contact with meats, I am forced to question why anybody would want aught to do with me. Even you, kind reader, you who are perusing this, my gruesome memoir, may well consider suicide after reading only three or four paragraphs. 

Opening: J.R. Moore.....Continuation: Paul Penna

Face-Lift 1020

Guess the Plot

Playing with Fire

1. Mena's always called 4 year old Rafe the 'devil's own son, and after Rafe sets his 42nd fire at the preschool, toasts the cat on the barbeque, and merrily dances in the exploding fireworks, John is beginning to think a paternity test might be in order.

2. Trapped in an Amazon.com shipping center during a blizzard, plucky warehouse worker Ila Ilsky survives by burning copies of the 7,600 different books already entitled Playing With Fire.

3. What shall we kindle today Mr. Fire?
A marshmallow roast, or a funeral pyre?
This delightful picture book features dozens of games, crafts, and rainy-day projects for ages 5 to 8 all told in verse.
 
4. A teenaged girl with superhuman power uses it to commit crimes for other people. It's a better way to pick up cash than babysitting--until she gets hired by the guy who murdered her parents. Will she get burned . . . playing with fire?

5. After astronomer Jake Newberg names the killer asteroid about to destroy the world after his ex-wife, she conjures up a fire demon to break the space rock into small chunks that target Jake alone. The entire world watches and places bets.

6. Kieran Keene lands the sax gig with Fire Robinson’s Rock-N-Blues Band. When mutilated groupies are found near the band’s venues. Kieran suspects Fire but hot detective Mary McRae suspects Kieran. He can try solving the mystery and risk being arrested or he can return to second rate bands in third rate clubs.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Seventeen-year-old Pollock Avery can steal anything for anyone. [Either change "can" to "will" or delete "for anyone."] Her electrokinesis allows her to short out security systems with a quick zap, then it’s easy as rolling out of bed to nab an ancient artifact. Since her parents’ murders, the money has kept her and her little sister out of the foster system. [If she just stole money for herself, cutting out the middle-man, she wouldn't need to devote time to selling artifacts to other people.]

When a mysterious new client offers Pollock information about the murders in exchange for stealing exclusively for him, she can’t resist the allure of finally uncovering the killer,

[Client: I know who killed your parents, but rather than inform the police I've kept this information to myself. If you'll commit multiple crimes for me I'll gradually give you clues that will eventually allow you to find the killer.

Pollock: Okay. You seem trustworthy enough.]

and getting her revenge. As the heists get riskier, Pollock’s client grows more deceptive and she learns he wants more than art and jewels…he wants the key to her ability. [So that he can short out electrical systems and risk getting caught while stealing art and jewels? Sometimes it's better to have a middle-man.]

But ending their arrangement won’t be easy.  Even though Pollock manages to slip out of the client's grasp, he gets his hands on her sister.  Now Pollock must face the reality he'll murder her sister just like he did her parents, [Whoa, I missed the part where you revealed that the client is also the murderer.] all to get the secret of their abilities. Killing a murderer won't be as easy as stealing, [That does sound better than "murdering a killer."] but Pollock’s electrokinesis packs a shocking punch.

PLAYING WITH FIRE, a 77,000 word young adult urban fantasy, is a stand alone novel with series potential.  Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Avery Pollock sounds like a person's name. Pollock Avery sounds like a wealth management company. Besides, she needs a superhero name.

My theory is that the person who wants the stolen goods is safer letting someone else do the stealing, while the person who wants the money is better off stealing money. Presumably, then, the client wants Pollock's power for something besides acquiring stuff. Namely . . . what?

If I'm the client, I would assume Pollock's power is some kind of accident of nature, a genetic mutation. Not a secret that, once revealed, will grant me the same power.

Client: Tell me the secret of electrokinesis or your sister dies.

Pollock: It's easy. You just stick this fork into that electrical outlet.

New Beginning 939

Andromeda Jaunsten was nervous and overwhelmed. She also felt excitement and pure joy, though these emotions didn't belong to her.

 "Come on. It's time."

"I'm not ready," she said.

Wesper Allern had her hand in a firm grip, tugging at it to urge her forward. She refused to move. "We're going," he said.

 "I can't do it. I'm not like you. I don't know how to act around people I don't know."

"Then isn't it time you learned?"

 "Look," she said, pulling her hand free. "I'm socially awkward. You know it, I know it, everyone who's ever met me knows it. I can't help it. I'm literally from outer space. There's no other option than to be awkward."

"You've been using that excuse for years."

"It's a good excuse."

"You don't see me using it."

"You're different."

"How?"

"You're likable." She rolled her eyes. "I'm just… not."

"I like you," Wesper said. He studied her for a moment, and then smiled. "You don't think that counts, do you?" She didn't answer him, and he took that to mean 'no'. She threw a hesitant glance towards the mass of beautiful teenagers ahead, already huddled together in groups that could certainly do without her.

Well, don't worry about it," Wesper continued. "You're new. Once they get used to you, they'll like you as much as I do."

Space girl still didn't reply. She had her eye on a particularly attractive cheerleader. Before Wesper could stop her, her forked tongue shot out of her mouth, wrapped itself around the cheerleader's neck and hauled her in. A couple of hard crunches and a swallow later, all that was left was a team letter and a pom pom.

Awkward.

Opening: Malin.....Continuation: Anon.

I'm Feeling Old

1000+ Query Face-Lifts, 1000+ Cartoons, 930+ New Beginnings, 147 Book Chats, 180+ Q & As, 2000+ Writing Exercise Results, 6 books, 5750 posts, 850 tweets, Countless Success Stories.

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Guess the Title 10

Below are descriptions of six mysteries available at BN.com. Your job is to figure out which of the given titles belongs to the book. The fake titles were provided by your fellow Evil Minions. Descriptions were taken from BN.com. Answers at the bottom of the post.


1. When one of A.J.'s celebrity yoga students gets permanently bent out of shape, and another is accused of the crime, A.J. has no choice but to position herself as a sleuth to find the real killer.

Murder or Knot?
Bend Till it Breaks
Death with a Twist
Dial Om for Murder
The Pretzel Murders
Murder by Pranayama


2. Jordan McAllister can't cook her way out of a macaroni and cheese box, but filling in for the culinary reporter at The Ranchero Globe is better than writing personal ads. Her assignment to review the new steakhouse in town is a disaster that ends with her waiter murdered outside her door-with her name and number in his pocket.

High Steaks
Bloody Rare
Liver Let Die
The Ginsu Diaries
Murder, Well Done
Love Me Tenderloin, Love Me Tartare


3. Small-town librarian Kathleen Paulson never wanted to be the crazy cat lady, but after Owen and Hercules follow her home, she realizes her mind isn't playing tricks on her-her cats have magical abilities. When the body of elderly Agatha Shepherd is found near Kath's favorite café, she knows Owen's talent for turning invisible and Hercules's ability to walk through walls will give the felines access to clues Kath couldn't get without arousing suspicion.

Cat Nipped
Sleight of Paw
Feline Flatfoots
Meow is for Murder
Magical Mystery Tabbies
Hercules Pawrot Investigates


4. When Stacy discovers Rafe's dead body in the ballroom dance studio she owns, the police suspect her of killing him. To clear her name and save her studio, Stacey teams up with Rafe's estranged cousin from Argentina, Tav, to find the real killer. And if Stacy doesn't watch her step, the killer may make this dance her last.

Three to Tango
Deadly Dancing
Quickstep to Murder
Crazy Like a Foxtrot
It Takes Two to Tangle
Save the Last Death for Me


5. 1963. Elvis Presley is contacted by a former army buddy. Littlejon is serving life in a California penitentiary for the murder of a young actress on the MGM lot and he insists he was framed. Elvis figures that solving the crime is just what he needs to escape all those people making demands of him, both professionally and romantically.

All Shot Up
Kill Me Tender
Blue Suede Clues
Don't Be Clueless
Elvis Takes the Case
The Perp and the Pelvis


6. An assistant librarian and a roving reporter make an unlikely pair as they attempt to solve a chain of murders connected to the town library in this mystery set in a small town in Oklahoma.

Booked!
Checking Out?
Out of Circulation
Death Stalks The Stacks
The Ochelata Bibliognost
Murder by Dewey Decimal



Answers below.


Fake titles submitted by Faceless Minion, Adele, Angela Robbins, arhooley, PLaF, Mister Furkles, Jo-Ann, kbradley67, Anon, anon, anonymous and Evil Editor.




Actual Titles


Dial Om for Murder
Liver Let Die
Sleight of Paw 
Quickstep to Murder
Blue Suede Clues
Murder by Dewey Decimal

Film Noir Friday

Face-Lift 1019

Guess the Plot

Mysta

1. When retired chemist Roger Gusty begins converting his farts into ghosts, his love affair with octagenarian heiress Madeleine Crinkly takes a disturbing new turn. Set in a crumbling mansion, this hair-raising tale literally stinks.

2. Dolores knows she's going to die. That's because she's a Mysta, or "Mystic Sista," one of a sisterhood of urban psychics. Her daughter Rosalie is having trouble accepting the inevitable, so the Mystas take her on a road trip. Psychic revelations ensue.

3. Supermodel "Mysta" starts having memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess. Then her friend Kieran declares that he's actually an ancient warrior. Kieran's brother, a Navy SEAL shows up, and both brothers want Mysta. But can she figure out which one of them is possessed by a demon who wants to wreak havoc on mankind?

4. Mystie, a Bostonian with a secret, finally achieves her lifelong dream of becoming a parochial school teacher. But her new career is in jeopardy when her nosy students figure out that Mystie is actually a Mysta.

5. Evil Elf Lysander Farklebean finds true love in a fog when the vaporite maiden Mysta helps him navigate to the Ivy Isle, thereby escaping the clutches of the angry King Comytell, father of the spiteful Princess Pearly, who wants Lysander's head on a platter, because he snatched the golden virginity she was keeping in the cupboard. But how long can the new happiness last?

6. In a nearly empty strip mall, the only occupied storefront is for a laser-tag arena, Mysta. Not much happens there, until smoldering corpses drilled with neat, cauterized holes start piling up in the parking lot.

7. Mysta is the fad of the moment only no one can agree what exactly it is: A drink? A drug? A celebrity? Only Pansy knows it's an invasion from another dimension where mind control satellites, death rays, and fate controlled by astrology are real.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

An attack by a jilted rock star-turned-stalker nearly kills Supermodel Mysta. After surgery to repair her crushed larynx, she’s sure the drugs [The drugs? "Her painkillers" or whatever would be more specific.] are causing memories of a past life as Myst, Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Until she displays paranormal powers related to this previous existence. ["Until" suggests that she stops believing the drugs are causing memories of a past life as a Valkyrie warrior goddess when she displays paranormal powers. I would expect these powers to confirm that she has goddess DNA.] [Also, what are her powers?]

The assault reunites her with old friend, Kieran Sigard, [Change his name to Koren Sierkegaard.] who assures [her] he is her prior love, the warrior Sigvarðr. [Did he just find this out, or has he been keeping it from her? Did she tell him about her memories before he told her this?


How that conversation went if she told him first:

Mysta: I've been having these strange visions or dreams or memories of myself as a Valkyrie warrior goddess named Myst.

Kieran: I . . . see . . . Hey, guess what, I'm an ancient Icelandic warrior myself. So you have nothing to worry about. Excuse me, I just remembered there's something I need to tell your doctor before I disappear forever.


How that conversation went if she didn't tell him first:

Kieran: I'm glad you've recovered form the attack on your voice box. By the way, I'm the warrior Sigvarðr, your love from a past life.

Mysta: Welcome to Earth. I have just one question. What's that little thing over the "o" in your warrior name?]

She longs for the passion they share–[Who are "they"?] that is until his Navy SEAL brother arrives. Lieutenant Commander Kaelan Sigard [Giving your children two such similar names may not be uncommon, especially if they're twins, but giving two key characters in the same book such similar names is going to cause confusion.] is temptation incarnate, and offers protection when assassination and kidnapping attempts are made. [It's always nice to have a Navy SEAL visiting you when assassins attack. Especially if, in a past life, the Navy SEAL was Thor.] That isn’t the only thing he offers, but his indifference regarding a lasting relationship compels her to keep her distance. He thrives on a challenge, refusing to give up. This sparks a dormant [awakens a latent] rivalry between brothers, mixing a recipe for disaster as [and] they begin a deadly competition to win her. [Define "deadly."]

Unbeknownst to Mysta, a demon is using one of the brothers for its own centuries-old nefarious scheme. [This just keeps getting better.] [Amazingly, this demon with a centuries-old nefarious scheme somehow doesn't seem as out of place as the Navy SEAL.] It blames her for being cast into the underworld, intends to steal her powers, and wreak havoc on mankind. [Can you really steal someone's powers? Powers aren't like false teeth, that you leave in a cup on the bedside table overnight. Ah, research reveals that a supervillain known as The Parasite stole Superman's powers once. And a mythical staff on exhibit in Metropolis had the ability to steal Superman’s powers and transfer them to some evil character. It was up to Batman to locate and rescue Superman. How humiliating for the Man of Steel to have to be rescued by Batman, with his silly toys like his batarangs and bat pellets.]

As the young woman deciphers [investigates] her past, a twist of events causes her present love to [Kieran/Kaelin] become[s] possessed by the very demon she must destroy. [Which brother is her present love?] This heartbreaking challenge [dilemma] could be her unraveling.

MYSTA, my completed paranormal romantic suspense of approximately 92,500 words, is the first in a series where the couple [What couple?] becomes a paranormal investigative team. In book two, while investigating the homicide of a friend’s relative, ties to the underworld are discovered, luring the couple [Mysta and Kieran or Mysta and Kaelan?] into a devastating trap. In book three, Mysta is a month away from delivering their first baby when she is abducted by those who wish to use her, and her child, for evil purposes. [Never mind books 2 and 3 for now. It has series potential is enough.]

My short story, MURDER IN MIDTOWN, has been accepted for an anthology to be published later this year.

Thank you for your creative criticism. I look forward to being publicly ridiculed soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

At first reading, one could think, Why does this demon think this supermodel is responsible for casting him into the underworld? If you refer to the demon as a Norse demon, and perhaps give it a Norse demon name, it won't sound like an anachronism to those who consider demons a Christian idea. Did she cause the demon to be cast into the underworld? If so, say so instead of saying it blames her. You can say it wants revenge on her for sending it to the underworld.

It's a romance, but I'm not sure who the romantic couple is. It sounds like Mysta wants a lasting relationship with Kaelin and only stays away because he's indifferent. So when the brothers enter into a rivalry for her, Kieran might not want to be involved with her, knowing she has the hots for his brother. Which is why I can't be sure which brother she ends up with. And for some reason you're not telling.

I wasn't thinking Kieran had any interest in Mysta. Is he an old boyfriend or just an old friend?

We can do without the stalker/larynx bit. She doesn't understand why she's experiencing strange visions, but when she develops X-ray vision and super strength there can be only one explanation: she's the reincarnation of a Valkyrie warrior goddess.

Face-Lift 1018

Guess the Plot

Amber Friction

1. Just as the substance amber has the ability to hold a charge, so can Amber Aurora manipulate the electrical energy within her body. Will this power help her become queen of an Alaskan village? It must, or no more females will ever be born. Which could cause friction among the males.

2. Luvsalot is trying to market a new type of organic sex toy. Will the all-natural Amber Friction meet the needs of the increasingly desperate divorced/pagan/hippie/vegan/ dildo demographic? Also, revived ancient bugs rampaging through San Francisco.

3. When a serial killer starts leaving his victims' body parts encased in amber all over the city, Detective Zach Martinez knows two things: the police's geological consultants are also his suspect pool, and he's definitely getting his wife a different semi-precious stone for their anniversary.

4. Amber is desperate (or ‘dispirit’, as she writes it) to be the next publishing billionaire. Her typing is terrible and her ‘spilling’ is ‘worst’. She writes stories about ‘cereal’ killers. ‘Butt’ her ‘friction navels’ are rejected by every agent. “It didn’t grab me.” They write. So Amber grabs them and adds ‘cereal’ killer realism to her next ‘naval’.

5. When Kate Goode dons the mask of Amber Friction, superheroine, she finds herself battling not just criminals but paparazzi, would-be corporate sponsors, and an overbearing mother bent on getting herself some grandkids, even if it means pushing Kate into marrying a mild mannered accountant who may or may not be a supervillain.

6. A bestselling author, attempting to prove that titles don't matter and that her fans will buy her next novel no matter what the title, uses a random word generator to name the book. Her career tanks and she's never heard from again.

7. A hard-hitting look at bias in law enforcement, based on the true story of when my beloved Georgie disappeared and the authorities not only refused to issue an Amber Alert, but actually said to my face, "We don't do that for cats, ma'am."



[Author's note, not part of query: Reason for the title Amber Friction: The modern term "electron" is derived from the Greek word for Amber. Amber was given this name for its ability to aquire [acquire] a charge (like friction from rubbing wool against amber). Aurora has the ability to manipulate the electrical energy within her own body, an ability she slowly learns to control. In a sense, she can aquire [acquire!] a charge, but she doesn't have to drag her socked feet against the carpet to do it.] [If she doesn't have to drag her feet on the carpet, where does the friction in the title come in?] [Is Amber her adoptive family's last name?] For those who aren't familiar with the feet-on-carpet electricity idea, this scene from Family Guy illustrates it.


Original Version

Teenagers don’t usually discover new races. Of course, Aurora Amber doesn’t exactly discover the Terraneans. They find her. [Thus I apologize for using an opening sentence that has nothing to do with anything.]

They rescue her during an attack on her adoptive family's vacation home. Their impenetrable armor and acute sensory perception pique her curiosity. By genetic default, she is the last female capable of becoming the Queen of their Alaskan colony. [Are you implying that there's a male capable of becoming queen?] [Lemme see if I've got this straight. Someone attacks Amber's adoptive family, and she is rescued by members of a new race who discover that she has the genetic makeup to become the new race's queen? Does it go like this:

Terranean 1: Holy crap! Walruses are attacking that Alaskan village vacation home! There might be people inside.

Terranean 2: Fortunately we have impenetrable armor. We must prevent a bloodbath.

Terranean 1: Hello, young lady. I see your family has been slaughtered, but at least we got here in time to rescue you and . . . You know, you look kind of like a Terranean. Mind if we swab your cheek for a DNA test?] Without a Queen, the remaining Terranean women cannot have female progeny. She has six months to declare a warrior who will consummate her reign and rise as King. Otherwise, the colony will hold a blood battle to choose for her.

Aurora is certain she can find a way to escape before then, [Is she a prisoner?] but there may be one Terranean worth staying for. Except Aeron isn’t Alaskan-born, and there are few who would kneel before an outsider. [I love you, but I could never marry you. My new people would never kneel before a Canadian.] Possessing an allure as lethal as Terranean venom, he provides a distraction Aurora can’t afford. Because she wasn’t the only one to walk away from the incinerated remains of her family’s vacation home. [The Human Torch and Electro also survived.]

Being the last female capable of restoring the Alaskan colony may give her the right to be Queen. But it’s also the reason someone wants her dead. [And while killing Aurora Amber might be easy, it won't be easy killing the superhero known as . . . Static Electricity Girl!] Killing the only chance for more women to be born makes no sense unless you're trying to wipe out the race.

Complete at 105,000 words, AMBER FRICTION is a young adult thriller with series potential. A biology and chemistry background has allowed me to utilize science and nature as inspiration for this series. I appreciate your time in considering my query.


Notes

Is this set in Alaska on Earth? The idea of a vacation home seems pretty modern unless you're royalty, but these days when a new race is discovered they're usually primitives living on a secluded jungle island, not Alaskans with impenetrable armor and acute sensory perception.

Maybe Amber Aurora would be a better title. It sounds cooler, at least until readers discover that it's just a character's name.

Where does the power to manipulate electricity come in?

This might work better if it began: Amber Aurora is the last hope of the Terranean race. Unless she becomes queen of her Alaskan village, no Terranean women will ever be born again.

This leaves lots of space to get specific about who doesn't want her to become queen, and why, and what she plans to do about it, like touch them and give them shocks.

New Beginning 938

"Prepare ye the Way of the Righteous for Satan is at Hand," read the sign lying on the far side of no-man's-land. The surveillance cameras surrounding the demon infestation blinked on and off. Two squads of soldiers began calling machine gun posts on the perimeter. Lieutenant Colonel McFaddis listened to the reports.

"Sir, we traced the glitch to one of our own stepping on a frayed wire," a soldier said. He barely got the words out as heavy machine gun fire echoed across no-man's-land. The stench of death, skunk, feces, and shrieking demon's halitosis filled C&C.

"The Hell you did," McFaddis said. He dashed from the tent to see a twelve-foot tall demon in no-man's-land. During the glitch, a demon broke through one barrier and was in the middle of no-man's-land. The lumbering creature had fast enough reflexes to knock the RPGs to the side and its armor-like scales protected it from shrapnel. It roared at C&C and pointed to McFaddis. McFaddis braced his Ruger Tropical rifle against a stanchion and blasted the demon between the eyes with a .458 Lott. It went down like a dead elephant and dissolved into foul, stinking putty.

McFaddis turned to the soldier. "That look like a glitch to you?"

Sweat formed on the soldier's brow, his eyes wide in the dim light. "Sir, I--I was told--"

"Is that the guard who told you?" McFaddis nodded at a guard nearby.

"Yes sir, he said that--"

"Shut up, Simmons." McFaddis took a step forward before unloading the .438 into the guard. The demon dropped like a dead man into a pool of pink slime.

"Sir, how--how did you know?"

"Back to work, soldier," growled McFaddis. He didn't need any inquisitive soldiers getting close. Not tonight. No, if this crazy plan of Helixartnys had any chance at all, the idiot man-apes must never suspect his demonic nature. Better nip this in the cradle.

"Simmons!"

The soldier turned. Before he could speak, he was almost cut in half by the blast of the Lott.

"Men!" roared McFaddis, "get that traitor's carcass out of my sight!"

One of the men hesitated. "Traitor, sir? Simmons?"

McFaddis lifted the rifle. The apes weren't making this easy.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Khazar-khum

Success Story

Dave reports: The story behind New Beginning 868 has been published. Took a while but the wait was worth it...

It was my short story: THE NEW FRANKENSTEIN and was Published in HOSPITAL, an anthology of creepy horror edited by Sean Monaghan.

Available From AMAZON

Will You Pre-Order an Unknown Book?

Trying to think of new stuff to bring in contributions for the Brenda Novak charity auction, I'm considering:

"Your published book purchased by at least x of Evil Editor's minions! That's right, x of EE's minions have pledged to purchase (or pre-order if it's not out yet) your book! This could be the difference between just getting on the NY Times bestseller list and being number 1 on the list. Between being dropped by your publisher or contracted for another three books. Between writing and flipping burgers.


Obviously no one's gonna spend money to get three extra sales. I need to get enough pledges so that a few writers will think it's worth bidding on. If you'll pledge to buy a book, even if it might turn out to not be your cup of tea, email me. evledtr@gmail.com. I'll email you in June to let you know what book you're buying. Then you can decide to whom you're giving it as a birthday gift. If there are a lot of you, we might raise a decent sum and make some writer happy.

I could even add to the "prize" that we'll do an online discussion of the book.

Film Noir Friday