Face-Lift 913

Guess the Plot

The Goddesses: Discovery

1. Look out gods, there's a new force on the horizon of power - goddesses! These females won't be taking any backtalk from washed-out losers, they're here to turn the world upside down.

2. Four goddesses make an alarming discovery: an evil god named Hikakanen is stirring up trouble. The goddesses spring into action, convincing a boy to take on the evil one. What, you didn't expect goddesses to get their hands dirty, did you?

3. Betsy has tried everything to rid her house of pests-- exterminators, traps, fumigation. But it's no good-- there are droppings in the kitchen again, and under the fridge she discovers... goddesses. A whole nest of 'em.

4. While on vacation in France, teens Lydia and Loretta discover a cache of ancient carved stone goddesses. Instantly enchanted, they bumble through a magical portal and land in a world where they are scullery maids in Venus's kitchen.

5. Jane and Nat meet in college and discover they grew up within blocks of each other. Also, they both have tiny sets of wings growing off their feet. Clearly, that FTD man who visited both their mothers so often wasn't just bringing flowers. Lesbian half-goddess half-sisters. How Greek.

6. Security guard David Hogan works nights at the Smithsonian. When the decommissioned Space Shuttle Discovery is sent there for display, David starts hearing female voices. Is he crazy, or has something sinister been brought back from space?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In Guen’s opinion, quests are supposed to be heroic; Willow just wants to discover new flora. Junebug wouldn’t mind learning to fly like her namesake, and Shark wants her powers to fully develop at last. [Is this a query letter or the storyline of The Wizard of Oz II?]

None of these four goddesses are prepared for the truths and deceptions awaiting them in the mundane world of their home country. [What are these truths and deceptions? Why don't they know what's going on in their home country? Have they been on vacation?] Hikakanen, an ancient and evil god, has begun to stir trouble in the south. [Stir trouble? What's he doing, spreading rumors?]

Unless the goddesses can convince a young boy, who might be of the avatar race thought destroyed long ago, to use his powers [What are his powers?] against Hikakanen, all hope will be lost. [All hope of what?] [What if the kid isn't of the avatar race?] [Great message for all the teenage girls reading the book: Four goddesses are powerless to stop the villain, but a young boy can handle it.] [What I don't get is why the goddesses get to be in the book's title when their only contribution to saving the world is convincing someone else to do it.]

At 80,000 words, The Goddesses: Discovery is a fantasy for teens, focused on the enduring power of friendship.

Thank you for considering my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is a list of characters followed by a lot of vagueness. What's the story? Be specific. Provide fascinating detail that makes us want to read the book.

If the book focuses on the enduring power of friendship, maybe the query should as well. I don't see anything about friendship. I don't see any indication that the characters even know each other.

What makes them think this boy is a member of a race they don't believe exists? And if they thought the race was so weak that it could be destroyed, what makes them think one child from that race is so powerful?

Cartoon 920

Caption: Whirlochre
(manboob part: Stacy & Mother (Re)produces)

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 861

Hobson wasn’t sure if it was the noise that had woken him, or if he had awoken in anticipation of the noise. He supposed the latter, as the noise -- the scrape of a loose brick abrading the mortar that should have held it -- wasn’t all that loud. It was enough to haul him out of bed, though, toward the window, where he cracked open the curtains overlooking his front garden.

In the sodium glow of a streetlight, a woman was performing oral sex upon a man. Or at least Hobson assumed it was a woman, though he could see only her back as she sat on his low garden wall, her head gently bobbing as though in thoughtful agreement. She was dressed ambiguously in tight jeans and a leather jacket, and even the long hair flowing down her back wasn’t definitive proof of her sex, but it suited Hobson to assume that she was a she.

He studied the figures for a while, head cocked this way then that like a brain-damaged dog, then retrieved his nightstick and cape from their secret repository under the floorboards.

"This neighbourhood bad," he muttered, securing a scarlet bandanna so tight across his forehead he could hardly see. "But Captain Puritanical will fix you, and fix you good."

On the bed, the Snoopy duvet undulated.

"Get some milk while you're out, dear," said his wife. "I'm fixing omelette for lunch tomorrow just the way you like it."

Unable to nod without tearing a hole in his forehead, he smiled back at his one true love, and with a morale-boosting roar to shame an enraged Silverback, somersaulted out of the window to do battle with the forces of Satan.


Opening: Anon......Continuation: Whirlochre

Cartoon 919

Caption: anon.

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Face-Lift 912

Guess the Plot

Camp Coyote

1. Katie's mom finds work at Coyote Ranch, Nevada's hottest new bordello/sex theme park. That means Katie, 13, gets to spend the summer across the highway at Camp Coyote. Sounds like a blast--until she discovers it's not a summer camp, it's a training center.

2. Cecil Coyote has impeccable taste in home decor, wine, and cuisine, and a fabulous wardrobe. And he's very quick with a witty put-down when judging at the annual road-runner cook-off. Or would be, if any of his colleagues could just catch one of those damned birds.

3. Coyotes aren't the problem; the werewolves can keep the coyote population down. No, the problem is that Jo Redfox's mother has vanished and the only person who can find her won't--unless Jo lets him screw her on the hood of her truck. Hey, that's life, at . . . Camp Coyote.

4. Fourteen year old Beth hates her parents for sending her to summer camp. And she hates them even more when insane camp leader 'Gizzard' informs the kids that only one of them will make it out of Camp Coyote alive.

5. When the coyotes who gave their beloved summer camp its name disappear, pint sized sleuths Harry, Maddie, and Alejandro know there's dirty work afoot. Still, they weren't expecting international jewel thieves.

6. The 100% true story* of Ennis Delaforte, who ran away from home at age ten and integrated himself into a family of coyotes, with whom he lived in urban Chicago for 16 months.

*Story not actually true.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jo Redfox liked stargazing before she realized the Stars gazing back were alive. And giving her the finger.

Three months ago the fun in Jo’s life vanished with the dying Seer she called ‘Mom’. Every minute Jo spends searching, [Comma not needed.] is one more minute she misses in what is left of her mother’s life. [What's your point? She should stop searching?] [I can't tell if she's searching for the dying Seer who vanished, or for her real mother, who gave her up or ditched her long ago. If the person referred to as her mother is the same as "the dying Seer she called Mom," just call her mother both times instead of confusing us: The joy in Jo Redfox's life ended when her dying mother vanished. We don't need to know in the query that the Seer isn't Jo's biological mother. If she isn't.] So she has no time for eviction notices, or being arrested for failure to obey them.

John Casteel – aka the Asshole who had her (accidentally) [Explain that word or delete it.] evicted - wants to help. John is good at two things – finding what doesn’t want to be found. And what he wants to do with Jo on the hood of her truck. [I think most women would agree, if a guy claims to be a good lover, and insists on doing it on the hood of a truck, he's a liar and a loser.] [Once you declare there are two things, I expect both of them to be named in the same sentence unless you number them. Thus I'd change the period after "found" to a comma or semicolon.]

But Jo knows better than to hop into bed with the first hot guy to bail her out. [Bail her out of jail? There won't be a second and third guy to bail her out of jail, so why refer to John as the "first"?] First, he’s a Regular. [What is a Regular? Why is it capitalized? The impression I get is that he's a regular customer, and Jo's a prostitute. Possibly that's not what you're going for.] Second, her best friends are a lethal Werewolf Pack ["Lethal" is a word better applied to a werewolf bite than a werewolf pack. You want something like "ruthless" or "savage."] known as the Scythe. And Shifters from the sticks don’t like outsiders much.

Third, a Pre-Cog still has the advantage at Cosmic Hide and Seek, even over ex-marines. [The three items on that list are impressively consistent in their ambiguity.] Jo’d love to ease her worries on his military-honed body, but with the Stars above against her, she can’t take any chances. [What are her worries, and why would she love to ease them on the body of someone she considers an Asshole? And why was "Asshole" capitalized?] [Like screwing on the hood of a truck, capitalizing words that aren't normally capitalized gets old if you do it too much.]

Random post-its are Jo’s only clues to what happened to her mom. The first note said 'start here', the second 'stay put'. [Doesn't the person writing the notes know enough to capitalize the first word of a sentence?] [Why are the notes described as "random"? What's random about them? Did you mean "cryptic"? "Anonymous?" How does she know those notes have anything to do with her mother?] The third told her tall, dark and deadly lurked in her back yard.

Jo doesn’t scare easy so until she finds a note saying, “Goodbye” nothing’s stopping Jo from finding her mom.

Wait. Was the tall, dark and deadly on the last note plural?

Maybe John watching her back wouldn’t be so bad. [I'd rather have my best friends, the Scythe, watching my back than the Asshole.] [It would be amusing if the character were never named, and were referred to exclusively as the Asshole, in both the query and the book.]

CAMP COYOTE is a 120,000 word paranormal romance set in West Virginia's New River Gorge and my debut novel.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

I note that there's no mention of a camp or of coyotes in the query.

This many paragraphs on one page will be a problem if you're skipping lines between paragraphs. Try to get the body of the letter down to five paragraphs.

I don't know why the Asshole is in the query. You claim he's good at finding what doesn't want to be found, but there's no evidence that he's helping with the search.

I worry that I don't have the characters straight. I'm guessing the Seer and the Pre-Cog and the mother are all the same person? John, the Asshole, the Regular, the outsider and the ex-marine are all the same guy? Jo's best friends, the Werewolf Pack, the Scythe, and Shifters from the sticks all refer to the same characters? That's a dozen names for two individuals and one group.

Capitalizing "Seer" indicates that it's a special name for certain people. So we don't need another special name for the same people. In Minority Report "precog" isn't capitalized, and there are only three of them.

What are the Stars? Living Gods? Do they make an appearance in the book?

I find the whole thing unnecessarily confusing. I can appreciate the attempt to inject voice, but not at the expense of clarity. Part of the problem is the last sentence of each paragraph. Occasionally it's nice if the last sentence ties the ideas together, but all these last sentences leave me thinking, Huh?

Start over, dump the first paragraph, and focus on Jo's goals and problems. Her goal is to find her mother. Is there someone who doesn't want her to accomplish her goal? If so, who and why? If not, is there a villain? Is the villain forcing mom to foretell the future?

Cartoon 918

Caption: Anon.

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Last Day of Brenda Novak Auction

If you're a bargain hunter, there's not much that hasn't been picked over, but you can find a few items at a good price. I noticed that several copies of a book called Kiyo's Story are available in hardback (free shipping); it's in the nonfiction section under "For Readers" and currently the high bid on some copies is $2.00. I saw a few other $2.00 books as well. If you're not so interested in bargains, it's a good cause, so place a bid on something. Even if you don't get it, you'll force someone else to donate more.

Evil Editor editing your entire novel has averaged over $2000 the last four years, and looks like it's going to be a bargain this year (although I did see one evaluation of a proposal shoot up from $850 to $2050 in its last hour last night, so you never know).

New Beginning 860

Most nights, the Lawman Billy Shane, as he liked to be called, took to slaying fire-breathing dragons, fighting epic battles with demons from Hell and occasionally repulsing alien invaders from outer space. Tonight, he sat in the police cruiser in the parking lot of De And R's Rib House, training Rusty Prestwick his new deputy.

"You can't get into a pattern when you do foot patrols at night. Patterns make it easy for a perp to be where you're not," Shane said.

"I understand that but just how much night crime do we have out here in the middle of Dawes County, Nebraska. The crime stats indicate there's more trouble from older students and twenty-somethings at the community college. That's not real crime." Prestwick's answer reflected his impractical and naive book learning. Too much philosophy and not enough practical experience, thought Shane.

"Oh there's real crime. You just have to be attentive to the subtext. There's more things in heaven and earth than mere drunks and bad boys if I can paraphrase Shakespeare," Shane said. "D&D is a catchall that fits most of the dumb things that happen." Banging and hollering from the back of the Rib House interrupted.

Before either of the cops could react, their cruiser was bathed in bright lights. A bullhorn voice boomed out, "This is Agent Carl Pretzler of the FBI. I'm recently divorced and I was dragged away from my monthly access visit with my mildly autistic son to instruct you to step out of the car. Now."

"We're police officers!" Lawman Billy Shane hollered through the open window.

"I know," Pretzler yelled back. "I can tell from your 1996 Crown Victoria cruiser. However, you're under arrest. Your use of backstory and 'as you know' dialogue -- that's a crime on this blog."


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 917

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

Happy Memorial Day. We don't get as big a crowd on holidays, so I'm going with another query featuring a book that's in print, even though the author didn't bother to inform us, and probably didn't even dedicate the book to us.

I'm starting to think half the authors who send their queries here ultimately get their books published. The title is Devil's Gold. The book was nominated for Best Romantic Suspense of 2009 by the Romantic Times Book Review.


Guess the Plot

Devil's Gold

1. Bert Blott knows that the shiny stuff on the wall of Mr. Popek's garden wall is really just fool's gold. But when he finds a bar of real gold in the same garden, he is delighted--until the owner shows up.

2. The Prince of the Underworld has no need for earthly riches - until he meets the American Princess from Hell.

3. Spinster detective Amelia Pettipants is back to solve another case. This time, when the Vicar drops dead at the village cake baking contest, the secret ingredient in the devil's food cake entries makes the recipes pure gold.

4. Deep in the Yukon, part-time prospector Dave Mercey strikes what he thinks is the motherlode. But when the men working the mine start turning into flesh-eating zombies he realizes that some things are better left underground.

5. Glen made a deal with the Devil: His soul for Olympic Gold. He's won his four races and is hailed as the "fastest man in the world," but now he wants out of the bargain.

6. An oil company discovers a bottomless well of "black gold," and conspires to commit genocide in order to ensure no one else "horns" in on their find.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Devil's Gold is a completed 117,000 word commercial novel that I would like to offer you for consideration of representation. [End the sentence after "novel," or say "for which I'm seeking representation." You don't want the agent thinking the book is as wordy as that sentence.]

The biggest gold rush of the twenty-first century…some call it terrorism, others call it survival. [I don't know what that means. How is terrorism or survival a gold rush?] Endless burning gas flares, rivers poisoned by oil, bloodbaths inflicted by corrupt Nigerian militia -- this is zoologist Cassidy Lowell's fight. [This sounds like a fight for Red Adair, Greenpeace, and the United Nations, but if they've already failed, it is time to call in Cassidy Lowell.] From the heart of the Niger Delta to the serene ambiance of Yellowstone National Park, Lowell along with undercover agent Jake Anderson, [He's an undercover agent for what organization?] race against time to prevent New World Petroleum from committing genocide and stealing a bottomless source of oil. [You toss around terms like "endless" and "bottomless" pretty freely. Stealing a bottomless source of oil would be tricky. It would require an endless supply of bottomless oil tankers.]

Chastised for not cooperating with the oil industry, Cassidy is reassigned to the serene ambiance of Yellowstone National Park. [Chastised? Are you saying her transfer from Nigeria to Yellowstone is a punishment? That's like a soldier stationed in Afghanistan talking back to his sergeant, and getting shipped to Hawaii as his punishment.] Jake is selected as her biologist for this assignment. [Selected by whom?] His mission is to determine the nature of the menacing connection between Cassidy's employer, ZEBRA (Zoological Ecological Biological Research Agency) [Actually, zoological would be a subset of biological, so you should replace biological with botanical. You still get to call it ZEBRA.] and New World Petroleum. [And he's going to determine this in Yellowstone?]

Discovering an alarming genetic mutation of the parvo virus [parvovirus--one word] that appears to transfer from canine to human, [I smell a werewolf book here.] Cassidy and Jake pursue its origin before it spreads beyond the greater Yellowstone region, [They discover this genetic mutation? Don't they alert the Center for Disease Control? Or at least ZEBRA? Aren't these organizations better equipped to find the origin than Cassidy and Jake (who's an undercover agent, not even a real biologist?)] [Yellowstone Park is bigger than Rhode Island and Delaware combined, and the greater Yellowstone region is several times that. Two people are going to keep the virus from spreading beyond this region? Let's face it, we're doomed. Doomed, I tell you.] their relationship taking a slight detour from professional to personal. [If Jake doesn't become a werewolf at some point, you've missed a golden opportunity.] The media strikes at Cassidy, accusing her of transferring a biological weapon from the Niger Delta to Yellowstone. [Someone in Montana gets parvovirus, and the media immediately decide it was brought from Nigeria by Cassidy?] She's been set-up by New World Petroleum who is preparing to release the mutated virus on a vast scale and commit genocide within the Niger Delta, opening the door for unmonitored mass production of oil pushing New World Petroleum to the forefront as the most powerful oil conglomerate in the world. [If they commit genocide, who's gonna do all the labor involved in pumping the oil? Wait, they can import slaves.]

Cassidy and Jake arrive off the coast of West Africa to uncover what is driving New World Petroleum's actions, salvage her career and protect the Niger Delta region from more environmental damage. Cassidy is betrayed by one of her own [Her own what?] and infected with the virus. Jake undertakes a successful search and destroy mission, bringing down New World Petroleum and saving the woman who now ranks No. 1 on his "most important" list. [Is this a romance?] [One guy brings down New World Petroleum? That's as believable as a cow destroying the city of Chicago.] [How does he save Cassidy from the virus? New World Petroleum was using the virus to commit genocide, yet Jake can cure it?]

I have previously been represented by Madame X of The YZ Literary Agency. Ms. X submitted this manuscript to MIRA. [Mira Books? Or Mira Sorvino?] In addition, the movie rights were optioned through July of 2006 and garnered interest from George Lopez [George Lopez? Too bad it wasn't George Lucas.] in conjunction with Clint Eastwood. The script was also submitted to Bruce Willis in June of 2005 [With all this name dropping, I'm beginning to think it was Mira Sorvino.] where it met with favorable interest but ultimately there was concern that the locale was too similar to Mr. Willis' Tears of the Sun. [More likely there was concern that the box office gross would be too similar to that of Tears of the Sun.] As far as I know, the script has not been returned or officially rejected. [Apparently film producers are just as slack as publishers about sending out rejection slips.]

Thank you for your time and consideration of this query.


Revised Version

When zoologist Cassidy Lowell's work in Nigeria comes into conflict with the interests of New World Petroleum, she is transferred to Yellowstone National Park. There, working with biologist Jake Anderson, she discovers an alarming genetic mutation of parvovirus that transfers from canine to human. The virus appears to have originated in Nigeria, and Cassidy is accused in the media of bringing it to the US.

She's been set-up by New World Petroleum who are preparing to release the mutated virus on a vast scale and commit genocide within the Niger Delta, opening the door for unmonitored production from newly discovered oil fields, and making New World the most powerful oil conglomerate in the world. Jake reveals that he's actually an undercover CIA agent, assigned to investigate the connection between Cassidy's employer, ZEBRA (Zoological Ecological Bio-Research Agency) and New World Petroleum.

Cassidy and Jake arrive off the coast of West Africa seeking to salvage her career and protect the Niger Delta region from environmental catastrophe. When Cassidy is infected with the virus, Jake has only a few days to sabotage New World Petroleum's operations and to save the woman he has come to love.

Devil's Gold is a completed 117,000 word commercial novel. I would be delighted to provide the full manuscript or a partial and synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I didn't see mentioning Bruce Willis as a selling point. Publish my book because Bruce Willis doesn't want to star in the movie?

The screenplay will be about 120 pages, while the novel will be more like 400. That means you have to fill in all the glaring plot holes that will exist in the ridiculous summer blockbuster.

My plot probably isn't quite yours, but it might give you a blueprint for a more cohesive query.

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

This query was purport- edly from an author who was familiar with the story of an unethical priest. But this blog post would seem to show that the query came from the unethical priest himself. In any case, the book has been published.


Guess the Plot

Snitch

1. When little Tommy Mupler named his dog "Snitch" he didn't know the dog could talk. Now Susie next door is too embarrassed to go to school, Tommy's mother is on the warpath . . . and Snitch is in the doghouse.

2. After inmate Roy Smith admits in confession that he murdered someone, he warns the priest not to blab. Will the good Father keep quiet, or will he snitch . . . in order to reduce his own sentence?

3. Ratso Rizzo had a life before Midnight Cowboy. He's on the police payroll and the Family has found out.

4. Herbert Koober wants to be a cop, but he doesn't meet the height requirements. He does, however, have big ears and a big mouth.

5. A would-be young witch juggles middle school with the Middle Ages as she tries to find a spell to keep her from blurting out her best friends' secrets.

6. A reporter goes undercover at a maximum-security prison to try to befriend the inmates and pry out their secrets . . . and grabs the scoop of the century.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

SNITCH: a nasty word. [Although not as nasty as "snatch."] So what does it have to do with an Old Catholic priest, the pastor of a California church? He sells his parsonage and buys a $102,000 dollar black BMW. He’s also married to one woman and engaged to another. When the authorities catch on to his money-laundering and pandering, our good priest [Good priest? Oh, you mean compared to all the other priests we've been reading about.] is arrested and tossed into jail. His life will change forever when he meets Roy G. Smith, twice convicted, high-risk pedophile presently being held for murder in one of California’s highest profile cases. [The pedophile isn't the priest? Nice twist.]

Roy, over the course of months, confesses the murder of a 45 year old woman to our unethical priest. [Over the course of months? How long does it take to say you killed a 45-year-old woman?

Week 1: There was this woman. She was 45.
Week 2: She's dead.
Week 3: Got any smokes?
Week 4: They found her with multiple stab wounds.
Week 5: What is it with the cooks in this place? Everything's too salty.
Week 6: I mean seriously, salt in fruit cocktail?
Week 7: You don't think I had anything to do with it?
Week 8: I see no way a wolf could blow down a house made of sticks.
Week 9: Okay, okay, I killed her. But she had it coming.]

When Roy realizes he has divulged too much, he warns the priest to keep the information on the low down – or else. [Week 10: By the way, that was all off the record.] Will the priest snitch, thus reducing his own sentence, or will he quietly go on with his jail time, and live with the knowledge of the murder, a weight on his mind which will eat away at him like a maggot feasting on garbage? [That's the kind of simile you use when you're mocking writers who use too many similes.]

The reader will explore the very timely topics of priesthood, jail (a prismatic subculture) [I think you mean a cultural prism.] and murder within a cocoon of murderers, [Huh?] chomos (child molesters) [Why isn't that chimos? Just asking.], homosexual prostitutes [promos)], [arson within a termite mound of] arsonists, supreme white power dudes (Pure Boys, Nazi-Low Riders, Nor-Cal Woods), [Are you under the impression that the stuff inside all these parentheses is making this more clear?] paranoid schizophrenics, and gang-bangers (Nortenos, Sorenos, Crips and Bloods). [Lists tend to get boring the longer they go on. Especially when most of the items being listed need explanations. It would be more interesting to choose a couple of the more important items on the list and elaborate on them.]

Snitch is a non-fiction, [Nonfiction? Why didn't you say so earlier? I wouldn't have mocked it for being preposterous if I'd known it was true.] true-crime memoir written by the author of The Sound of Meat, [The sequel to The Sound of Music, in which the von Trapp family all have jobs frying bacon.] an e-book published by Cool Publications of Great Britain, and the essay, Snitch, soon to be published by Hillary Carlip on Fresh Yarn. [The cool thing about publishing on fresh yarn is that after the reader is finished reading, she can knit a sweater. I'm not sure it's important that the yarn be fresh, actually.] At your request, I will send you a writing sample and a book proposal. [I thought this was a book proposal.] Please feel free to contact me at the address below.

Thank You,


Notes

It sounded like an interesting story when I thought it was a novel. I think you need to scrap it and come at it from a new angle, one that points out that it's the true story of whoever, and why his story is so interesting. Or make it a novel.

Success Story

Sara Creasy (finally) reports that her novel Song of Scarabaeus (Face-Lift 131, reprinted in the post below) was published in 2010, and Children of Scarabaeus was published earlier this year. Song of Scarabaeus was nominated for the Philip K. Dick Award and the Aurealis Award for best science fiction novel.

Face-Lift 911

Guess the Plot

Cattitude

1. Meow Mix again? Fuggedaboutit! Get me Fancy Feast unless you want me to crap in your Manolos again, beeeitch.

2. He's the coolest cat ever, but when his human marries a chick with a snooty cat and a puppy, Jack's style is cramped. He tries to get the intruders kicked out, but when the three of them get lost, he realizes they must work together to find their way home. Then he can get them kicked out.

3. Tired of the owners who bestowed such stupid names on them, Midnight, Snowball, and Miss Fancy Whiskers set in motion a plan of violent and hilarious death. Only stray Geddowdamiyard! can save the humans - but does he really want to?

4. When Jeff Grant goes to work on a simple Internet upgrade for DARPA, he accidentally uncovers the horrifying truth: The Internet really is run by cats. Gopher heads, dead birds and mangled mice appear at his doorstep, catnip-filled envelopes are mailed to him, and when he picks up the phone all he hears is a loud purr. Can he escape his fate?

5. Meet Kitty Debenham, the humiliated socialite. With a wayward husband, a fortune to waste on extravagance, and self-esteem so low it could be a subterranean parking garage, Kitty turns to the best person she knows for advice on how to win her husband and her pride back – Jocelyn Wildenstein.

6. Chauncey organizes the biggest prison break in the history of Angora County. They haven't made the prison that can hold this cat burglar. Or should I say the kennel?



Original Version

Dear EE,

Jack, champion climber and mouser, knows he’s the coolest cat ever. Life was fine until Max, his human, got married. Suddenly, a snooty Siamese and a puppy called Bo take over his house. And a bossy lady who blames him for upsetting her pets.

Jack plots to get the others kicked back to wherever they came from. But getting them into trouble backfires, and the three creatures are banished to the backyard. Great! The only way to some peace from Bo’s constant yapping was [is] to make a deal: if he can be quiet Jack will teach him to climb. Jack figures he’ll never have to repay [pay off? Settle up? Make good?] because the dog can’t be quiet for more than a minute, but at least it’s a minute’s break.

But [No need for the word "But." You could just delete it or change it to "After" or "When" and let it flow into the next sentence.] New Year’s Eve fireworks terrify them down into the dark, smelly drains. Soon the trio are lost and face rats, hunger and wet fur. The only way to stay warm, safe and fed is to cooperate, and Jack starts to appreciate the others as more than nuisances. Bo follows the trail back to where they first entered the drains, but Jack is the only one who can climb out. Bo is devastated when he learns that Jack lied about teaching him to climb. Now Jack needs to use his superior intellect to rescue the others. Or will he abandon them and go back to a quiet house?

CATTITUDE is a 10,000-word MG novel.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Based on the number of words per page in the two kids' books I happen to have handy (Holes and The Higher Power of Lucky), your book will be 30 to 40 pages, which translates to 15 to 20 sheets of paper. Unless it's loaded with illustrations. It does sound like a good candidate for artwork, but it wouldn't hurt to seamlessly expand it to fifteen or twenty thousand words.

Bo has an annoying bark, and a strong nose. What does the Siamese cat do that annoys Jack? What does the Siamese contribute to their staying safe when they're lost? Without knowing this, we may wonder why it's not just Jack and Bo in the story.

Once Bo leads them back, why does the Siamese need rescuing? Can't it get out the same way Jack does? If it can't climb because it's been declawed, then it would still need rescuing even if Jack taught Bo to climb. In other words, while the query is fine as it is, the climbing promise isn't that important, and could be replaced with answers to the questions in the previous note.

Cartoon 916

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 859

She had fifteen minutes to get home before the Serafim took to the streets. Peering out the window, Davey swiped her ID card, hopping in agitation at the three second delay in the building's electronic mechanism. She did not want to be caught on the street by the red-masked Serafs; government issue goons keeping citizens in check.

Identity approved and work-hours logged, she hurried onto the pavement. The wind was cold, whipping her braids across her face. With a shiver, she dodged the last of the cars buzzing along the street and entered the network of alleys leading her down-town.

As glass topped corporate towers gave way to crumbling apartment blocks, Davey's hand slipped into the pocket of her coat, her fingers gripping the can of pepper spray. Atlantis was disintegrating. The city was rotten, its citizens divided into those with money and power, and those desperate to eke out a living in the effluvial haze.

Like Boz.

The starving vagrant sluiced from the fog of stinking cess like a ghost. "Hold your fire, bleachling. I have speak."

Boz was always want want want, a shade of filth and hunger whose begging repulsed her, but he had an ear for the street and his knowledge of the city's underbelly had saved her life on more than one occasion.

Davey tossed a mermaid scale into the sludge. "Today, but not again. Do you understand?"

"I understand perfectly." The wretch grinned and dragged himself over to her feet, eyes fixed on the glow of her white skin. "Tomorrow, the Serafim will not come."

Davey's neck dropped — a reflex stoop she thought she'd fixed. "What? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Stay indoors," Boz continued, his voice a gurgle of spittle. "Stay high. Tenth floor. Get supplies."

Davey threw back her shoulders, fixed him with a status glare. "The Serafim always come. Why should tomorrow be different?"

"Tomorrow, Atlantis falls." Head bowed low from a spasm of servitude, Boz slithered back into the shadows. Davey cursed. To bid him return would court guilt even she couldn't afford to cover.

In the sludge at her feet, the mermaid scale glistened in the dim light from the overhead towers. With the latest trades, this was food for a month, drugs for a day, sex with some desperate kid. The Boz she knew would have snatched it as it fell if he could.

But this was not the Boz she knew.

She pulled her coat tight around her generous curves and sped on through the shanty sprawl as the wind, ferocious now, tore at all hope of shelter rooftop by rooftop.

Nothing had been the same since Reagan took office.


Opening: Suzanne van Rooyen.....Continuation: Whirlochre.....Punchline: Bill

Cartoon 915

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 910

Guess the Plot

The Dragon's Children

1. Within a week, the school was razed to the ground and the staff and students were eaten or had fled. She should have gone with home schooling.

2. When Sir George slew the dragon, he didn't realize its nest was already full of eggs -- eggs that would soon hatch, producing 27 hungry babies. They are now big enough to chase down and devour slow horses and small cattle. Can Sir George find and slay all these monsters, or is Britain doomed?

3. He's not an actual dragon, he's the vile man in charge of the orphanage, and is only called 'the dragon' behind his back. And those are not his actual children, as in offspring, they're just the random orphans who ended up in residence. But why do they all seem bug-eyed and identical? When Anita Bendire begins her new job as the cook she soon realizes something sinister is going on. Something that threatens the future of all mankind.

4. Lizzie and Andy always wondered about their scaly skin and habit of breathing fire whenever they hiccupped, but Mama's revelation about a brief liaison with a dragon leaves them stunned. Particularly when they find out that their deadbeat Dad has a huge treasure trove. Armed with a lance and a lawyer, the kids go on a quest.

5. Belinda is having the best summer ever. She's been out on two whole dates with Drew – so hot with his crooked smile – and he even loves her prominent nose. Date number three is this weekend and she just might get her first kiss. The only problem is hay fever season is starting and well . . . her sneezes can get a little "fiery".

6. Bored with spending their time watching clouds, two teens who were adopted by a dragon leave home to see the world. But they encounter bandits and princes and thieves. Oh my. Can they make it back to Papa Dragon before the universe ends?


Original Version

Dear Editor,

Garan and Eira, adopted siblings in the fantastical land of Trian, know a lot about living on an island. They know how to gather mussels and watch the clouds and how to tell themselves stories to cut through the monotony of everyday life. [If everyday life is monotonous, why is this place described as fantastical? Maybe the first sentence should say "in the tedious land of Trian." Usually we try to hook the reader with something intriguing; opening with your main characters gathering mussels and watching clouds risks the editor falling asleep, conking his head on his desk, breaking his pince-nez and blaming you. ] To the dragon who looks over [looks after?] them, they appear content – until Eira’s seventeenth birthday, when all their anger comes rushing out at once. [What are they angry about?]

Spurred by rage, the dragon [What's the dragon angry about?] complies with their wishes [You've made me so angry I'm going to give you a triple serving of ice cream.] and sends the adopted siblings off the island they’ve nearly never left and into the world that they know only from books and stories. [Get rid of "they've nearly never left."] At first in awe by the newness of it all, [Get rid of "At first"; it's understood. Change "in awe by" to "awed by." Change "the newness of it all" to something less vague.] Garan and Eira soon find that it is not all what they imagined [What did they imagine, and what is "it" really like?] and that for all they know about the island, they know very little about the real world. [We know very little about the real world. Is it our world, but with dragons and mussels? Are Garan and Eira human?] After deciding to break the dragon’s command and leave each other to make their own way, both struggle to learn how to survive, amidst the strangeness of learning of life and love. [Get rid of "learn how to." Replace "amidst the strangeness of learning of life and love" with something less vague.]

On their own, they meet princes and bandits, fortunetellers and thieves, all the while experiencing the wonders of emotions for the first time [As I recall, they experienced a rush of emotion on Eira's seventeenth birthday.] and having the adventures they never expected. [What adventures? Why were they so anxious to leave if they didn't expect to have adventures?] But will they remember the dragon’s command to return within a year or will they disobey him again, breaking more than just their lives apart? [What does that mean? What happens if they don't return?]

An 80,000 word YA Fantasy, THE DRAGON’S CHILDREN is refreshing and new, [What is it, a soft drink?] [If editors listened to authors' opinions of their own work, nothing would get rejected.] exploring exactly what humans will sacrifice to gain control. [I can't say that that theme came across in the plot description. Who sacrificed what, and what do they now control?]


Notes

Start over. Paragraph 1: The setup. Kids? adopted by a dragon decide they want to make their way in the world. Dragon says Be careful what you wish for and sends them off, warning that they must return within a year or their coach will turn into a pumpkin. Paragraph 2: Some specific things that happen to them, especially bad things. Paragraph 3: The deadline approaching, they're in danger, something threatens to prevent them from getting home in time. Presumably the dragon swoops in and saves them and they realize there's no place like home, but you don't have to reveal that if you don't want to.

I know there are dragon books even for adults, but somehow I feel like when there's a dragon it's for kids, and if you want to call it YA you need to show why it would appeal more to, say, a fifteen-year-old than a ten-year-old.

Is Garan older or younger than Eira? It seems like the elder sibling would not let the younger one go off alone in the dangerous new world.

Cartoon 914

Caption: Whirlochre

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New Beginning 858

I could not believe it. Strong hands had shoved me into a cage. Before I could do anything, the door clanged shut behind me. The nerve of some people!

“Hey!” I yelled, banging against the wire door. “Lemme out. You can’t do this. Come back or I’ll rip your ears off and scratch your eyes and –” But the footsteps faded away. Too chicken to take me on. I was trapped. The stench of bleach would have made a creature weaker than me heave, so it’s lucky I’m as strong as ten lions. Sure, I could have forced my way out, but I didn’t want to mess my fur. I yelled a few more times, in case the dog-brained person realized what a stupid mistake he’d made.

“Ah, stop your whining.”

The voice came from a Siamese in a cage next to mine. Beyond that was another cage, and another after that. More cages than I could count stretched out in a long row.

“Is this a jail? How dare that human–?” I started, but the voice cut me off.

“He’ll come back soon enough.”

I could see her face through the mesh. She was rolling her blue eyes. What a know-it-all. She was small enough to beat in a fight, but right now I needed information.

“What is this place?”

The Persian on my other side purred, “They call it the asylum.”

She was a sexy broad, too bad these bars were between us. Just then the human returned all decked out in white. He called himself Dr. Jones.

“You all know why you’re here, right?” Dr. Jones asked. I did my best to act like I wasn’t listening.

“Look,” the so-called Doctor said, “you guys had a good run, but Broadway isn’t as popular as it used to be. It’s time to take off the costumes, the show's been canceled.”


Opening: anon......Continuation: Bill

Cartoon 913

Caption: Anon.

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