Cartoon 795

Caption: anon.

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Sunday Feature 17

The 1st Ever
Jesus
Guess the Plot
Quiz

As millions celebrate the birth of Jesus this month, it's only fitting that we revisit Jesus's many appearances in the Guess the Plot feature. Needless to say, Jesus would have no trouble remembering which four of the following plots turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Can you?


1. Hip Santa Fe artist Sage Barrens gets a day job waitressing in a little cafe. One day a customer finds a tortilla that doesn't just have the figure of Jesus on it -- it also bleeds. Soon pilgrims flock to the cafe, and Sage is making a fortune in tips. Then the blood is found to be that of Sage's missing ex-husband . . . and her career really takes off.

2. Better than the visage of Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. More powerful than the specter of Mary on the garage door. It is the miracle of the tears that aren't there. Come feel them for yourself in Cranston, RI.

3. Mo smokes one bowl too many, sending him on an epic crusade for Cheese Puffs. When he opens the bag of cheesy airy goodness and discovers a puff in the likeness of Christ the Savior, a moral dilemma ensues as he considers whether to sell it on eBay.

4. As Jesus preaches his message of peace, a lowly fisherman leads a rebellion against the devil and his demon army. Can one fisherman save all the tortured souls of hell from damnation? And if he does, will Jesus take all the credit?

5. The second coming of Jesus finally arrives...during the final moments of a Texas A&M football game. Jesus scores the winning touchdown for the Aggies and then initiates the Apocalypse.

6. Time traveler Giovanni intercepts the Magi outside of Bethlehem and replaces the frankincense with sensimilla, dooming Jesus to be forever pictured as a long-haired hippie.

7. Mary Magdalene's place in history is made more controversial by the discovery of papers showing that a life insurance company sued her for fraud after the stone was rolled back to reveal that Jesus wasn't dead.

8. Devout Catholic Dana Carmichael wears gloves to avoid picking up psychic impressions from everything she touches. But when a demon torments her with his theory that Jesus was a zombie, the gloves come off.

9. When Jesus Christ appears at Mo's door seeking a bed for the night, Mo is only too happy to oblige. If this doesn't get him into heaven, nothing will. But Mo regrets his hospitality the next morning when he wakes to find Jesus gone and the entire bag of Cheese Puffs eaten.

10. 2998. Ever since the return of Jesus a thousand years ago, Earth has been completely at peace. But now the perfidious Perfirians threaten to eradicate mankind, and it's up to a handful of humans to turn back these space invaders. Can they do it? What about if a seraph helps them?

11. When Judy was 14, Jesus promised her she'd marry Elvis and ride in a pink car driven by a sexy chauffeur, plus have a career in pictures. Now 57, she's having a crisis of faith. Sure, her husband looks like Elvis in his heavyset years, her Geo Metro is pink, and her son Todd drives her to church on Sundays. But since when does selling popcorn at the 4-plex count as a career in pictures?

12. During the long flight to Demeter 5, astronaut Dave Gavin becomes a born-again Christian. Can he preach the Gospels to the inhabitants of Demeter 5, or will they kill him--just as they did Jesus?

13. Mother Superior has asked the nuns to reach out to the run-down community of St. Clare's parish. Can Sister Serena, the Tattooed Nun, convince her colleagues that they should bring Jesus to the local biker gang? Can the sisters be holy in the day and wild in the night . . . without giving up their old habits?

14. Mo and his wife Flo pack the car with Cheese Puffs and head for sunny California so Flo can get plastic surgery from a TV doctor. Along the way they meet Angel, a homeless woman who tells them about Jesus. Will Angel renew their faith, or will they give her some Cheese Puffs and tell her to get lost?

15. A vigilante Jesus throttles Judas with his bare hands and then single-handedly infiltrates the impenetrable Samaritan compound to assassinate the whole clan, except for the good one. Featuring brass knuckles combat with Herod the Great.





Answers below



The real plots are #s

4, 8, 10 and 14.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 850

Guess the Plot

Valafar's Revenge

1. Investigating a murder for the FBI, 17-year-old Taylor Pritchard follows the killer, Valafar, into a computer game, where she discovers she has been chosen as the guardian of the Nephilim. Now she must decide whether she'd rather be an FBI agent or spend the rest of her days fighting a religious war.

2. Eighth grader Valafar has a weird name. Since the first day of kindergarten he's been bullied and tortured by the Sues and Joes and Toms of the world. But he's found himself a magic jewel and now it's time for . . . Valafar's revenge.

3. Mt. Valafar is tired of the puny humans that inhabit its slopes and their deforestation, pollution, noise, and littering. Tomorrow there will be a surprise as it blows its top. We'll see how they like deadly gas and LAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. It's not easy being the younger brother of a Disney villain. In Valafar's Revenge, follow the exploits of Jafar's feckless younger brother as he tries to finally get even with that miserable street rat Aladdin and with the Disney studio execs who passed him up for the lead bad guy in favor of his taller older brother.

5. When Valafar invents a delicious snack from the humble chickpea, he looks set to make a fortune. But his jealous twin brother, Falafel murders him and steals his recipe. Can Valafar's unquiet spirit return to take revenge on his brother's many descendants?

6. Nathan had heard of Montezuma's revenge. It's why he never strayed far from a bathroom on his trip to Mexico. But when he discovers on his trip to Iran that most of the bathrooms have two toilets, one directly opposite the other, he begins to suspect the horrible nature of . . . Valafar's Revenge.



Original Version

Think Angelology meets Tron. [Who meets what? Here, you try one: Think brontology meets Zardoz.] With computer games, reality is in. [When I play a computer game, reality is out. I thought that was the whole point.] But when the hottest new release proves all too real and two of its players are found dead, FBI intern Taylor Prichard is plunged into an investigation that weaves a bizarre path back to her father’s work on the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Nephilim, the cursed children of fallen angels and human women.

My recently finished novel, VALAFAR’S REVENGE, is an 88,000-word supernatural young adult novel.

Seventeen-year-old Taylor has just landed the internship of her dreams – to shadow one of the FBI’s top investigators. [To me, shadowing someone means secretly following him.] But when she finally makes it onto a murder scene, the terrifying nightmare[s] and panic attacks she suffered when she was eleven suddenly return, and she worries that she might lose her mind along with her job.

When the killer strikes again, all evidence points to a computer game whose villains are the spawn of the ancient fallen angels, and to the teenage paraplegic game designer who created it, Jason Bindthall. [Are you saying evidence points to Jason as the killer or that evidence points to the video game villains? Because if she's worried her panic attacks might cost her her job, wait till she has this dialogue with her boss:

Boss: Three murders and we're not even close to solving them.

Taylor: Actually, sir, I've pretty much determined that the murderer is Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy VII.]

In her hunt for the killer, hunter becomes the hunted, and Taylor is forced to face the tragic secret from her past that inexorably links her to Jason Bindthall and to the Nephilim [, a secret which I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.] She teams up with the game’s number-one player and pursues Valafar into the game itself. [Who or what is Valafar? The killer? If hunter has become hunted, I would expect Valafar to be pursuing Taylor, not the other way around.] But to defeat Valafar, Taylor must forever abandon her old life, her longtime dream of becoming an FBI agent, and accept her role as the chosen guardian of the Nephilim.

Valafar's Revenge is the first book in a series that will take Taylor, a descendant of the sorcerers of Enoch, on a journey to Beyul Pemako, the heart of the world, to release the Watchers and join her sisters in their war against the Nephilim. [She has sisters who are at war against the Nephilim, and she, the chosen guardian of the Nephilim, is going to join them in this war?] Told from multiple viewpoints, the novel would appeal to readers of Nancy Holder. [When you've finished describing a complicated and fantastical plot, it's not a good idea to tack on an additional paragraph about the sorcerers of Enoch, Beyul Pemako, and the Watchers, none of which has been mentioned previously.]

I have won numerous awards as a journalist, and have completed fiction writing courses as part of my B.S. degree in communications from the University of Maryland. I am a member the Writers Center in Bethesda, Maryland, and Washington Independent Writers (WIW), and have attended several writers’ conferences. I am a member of a critique group that has met for three years. [We don't need all any of these credits.]

I hope you will decide to represent me.

Regards


Notes

Lemme see if I've got this straight. Taylor gets an internship with the FBI. As she tags along with her boss on a murder investigation, she discovers that she is the chosen guardian of the Nephilim. Now, how are we gonna make this sound plausible so that an agent will want to read the book?

Possibly the best way is to leave out the fallen angels and the Dead Sea Scrolls until the end. Leave out the team-up with the game's best player. Taylor gets her dream job, she and her boss stumble onto a murder scene. So far so good. Now explain what evidence points to computer game villains who are the spawn of Nephilim, and how Taylor enters the game. At the end of the query you can mention Taylor's realization that she has a greater role to play in mankind's history than FBI agent.

Usually computer gaming is on the opposite side of the spectrum from religious stuff, by which I mean the target audience of Nephilim fans may not have a huge intersection with Tron fans. If you can connect these aspects of the story in the query it would help. For instance, is it an angel of God who enables Taylor to enter the computer game? Is the paraplegic game designer Satan?

What's the name of the game? That should be in here somewhere.

Cartoon 794

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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New Beginning 813

Ion studied the other travelers. The fat man who overflowed from the seat beside Ion was sleeping, his head leaning back against the seat, his mouth slightly open in a snore. A student sat across from Ion, a thin young man whose glasses were barely visible above the volume of poetry held close to his face. Two old women sat by the window, talking in low voices.

Any of them could be informers. At least one of them probably was.

And one was Ion’s contact.

The train, already slow, shuddered to a halt. No one moved. Ion glanced out the window—bare fields, grass, trees in the distance. No station. Trains stopped for no reason—to wait for another train, to meet a schedule, to let a cow cross the track. The train is tired, Ion thought, and suppressed a smile.

But that was a dangerous thought. It could sound like criticism. Trains don’t tire, he corrected himself. They function perfectly, like all the efficient systems designed by our great leader.

It was a good habit, correcting subversive thoughts. Not that anyone was listening to Ion’s thoughts.

At least, he hoped not.

"What was that about the train being tired?" It was the student. He had put down his book and was looking at Ion.

"I uh . . . you heard--?"

"I heard it too," one of the old ladies said. "So you have a complaint about the train?"

"It was a joke," Ion said. "I would never . . . " Damn it, he thought. If only my contact would give the watchword I could give the countersign and--

"Complaining about the trains?" The other old lady. "Our great leader will reward us for eliminating you."

"I would never speak ill of the trains!" Ion declared.

"Engine, engine number nine." It was the fat man. And the watchword!

Thank God, Ion thought. "If the train goes off the track . . . Shit."


Opening: Lisavark.....Continuation: Evil Editor

Cartoon 793

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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Face-Lift 849

Guess the Plot

Flute Music

1. In the woodwind section of the New York Philharmonic, Dan is infatuated with first flautist Steve, and the masterful technique with which he wields his impressive instrument. Unfortunately, all Dan has is a piccolo.

2. The new boy at school, Hiro Yotosan, plays the flute and is from Japan. He'd like to ask out some of the girls . . . but he plays the flute. Can he talk the handsome football captain, Jock, into loving his kind of music?

3. An unfortunate piercing incident leaves Zeke's nether region horribly disfigured - or so he thinks. While seeking comfort and oblivion in the embrace of a lady of the night, Zeke discovers a unique use for "Little Zeke," and embarks on a quest to have his unusual instrument accepted in mainstream orchestral circles.

4. When Mala's environmentalist friend becomes the latest in a line of people murdered for trying to expose polluting practices at the mine, only one thing keeps her from falling into a state of depression: flute music.

5. Stoners Ralph and Earl go on a quest for dope and bring back finger paints, which is not pleasing to their girlfriends. Their second attempt results in the discovery of flute music, another unappreciated advance in the technology of man. Will these lovable losers ever get laid?

6. France, 1689. Young Charles Le Tour has been playing the flute with Master Le Normand since he was six. He's sixteen, writing his own compositions. With a Royal visit due in their town, can he convince M. Le Normand to let him play his own work for the King--or will he have to play the same Te Deums as everyone else?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Sixteen-year-old Mala's decision to take up cudgels on behalf of the environment gets the attention of the local mine owner. People who get his attention usually end up dead. [My research reveals that taking up cudgels is a British and Australian idiom. In the US, readers may assume Mala plans to use her cudgels for bludgeoning.] [I was going to declare "cudgel bludgeon" a great tongue twister, but personal experimentation reveals that it's not as tough as you'd think to say it five times fast. Thus I'll instead recommend "ski sash."]

When Mala's mother gets a job at the Calvert Mining Company, it's a chance at a new life, a chance to leave behind their old town and its bitter memories. [Their idea of a fresh start in life is to move to a mining town where people regularly and mysteriously end up dead? Maybe you should tell us what their life used to be like.]

A short time after they move into the new town, a fiery accident kills an EPA agent. Police close the case as a DUI. But Mala's environmentalist friend convinces her that her mother's boss, Mr. Calvert, murdered the agent to hide the fact that the mine failed to use proper safeguards to prevent pollution. Mala is torn between helping her friend get evidence and fear her mother would lose her job [working for a serial killer]. Then her friend's body is found in the mines, next to a stack of explosives. Police close that case as an accident too - that her friend, in the process of trying to blow up the mines, fell and hit her head. The police chief happens to be Mr. Calvert's close friend.

[Police chief: We found her in the mine; looks like she fell and hit her head.
Medical Examiner: Actually, it looks more like she was bludgeoned with a cudgel.
Police chief (glaring): Perhaps you didn't hear me?
ME: What was I thinking? I don't even know what a cudgel is.]

Bitter and angry, Mala takes on Aiyana's cause, [If you're going to name this character, name her when you introduce her. Then you won't have to keep calling her "friend."] determined to bring down the powerful mine owner. Brad, a junior in her school, offers to help. While warm feelings stir between them, a cold reality faces them. Mr. Calvert is not about to let a couple of teenagers stop him [Stop him . . . from not using proper safeguards? How about shut down the mine?] - and murder comes easy to him by now.

My YA novel FLUTE MUSIC, complete at 54,000 words, is available for your review.


[Note (not part of query): I decided on that title because Mala meets her friend through their love for flute music. When her friend dies, the flute keeps her from going into depression and focused on her goal.] [I don't care who died; no one can stay sad for long with Jethro Tull's "Bourée" on the iPod.]


Notes

Few are aware that Jethro Tull's song "Bungle in the Jungle" was originally titled "Bludgeoned with a Cudgel."

I don't think the first paragraph is needed. Presumably Mom and Mala are unaware that Calvert murders everyone who gets his attention, so we don't need to know it up front. The murders will seem more shocking if we don't know they occur on a daily basis.

Possibly you could try opening with Aiyana's death, then mention the other murders and put more time into the Mala/Brad part of the novel, which I assume is the main plot. Much of what's here (moving to town, EPA guy's "accident") is just setting up the situation.

Cartoon 792

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 812

Ever made a fatal mistake? No wait. Let me answer that for you. ‘Not yet.’ Yep. That’s right. There’s still time. For you.

After all that happened, who’d’a thunk one little thing would totally ruin my wedding dress. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of organza? Don’t even go there with the silk. My God, the silk. Yeah. Impossible. But I had to try, ‘cause darling, it was my Big Day.

Was being the operative word here. Never did kiss that man of mine while the seriously cute preacher… Oh chile, did I mention he was cute? Well I never did get to hear him say ‘husband and husband’. What a waste. Ha ha. Waste. I kill myself. Well shit, I actually did. But not intentionally, you know.

And now I’m stuck here in these pages talking to you. Lord knows why. But he’s not telling me. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Who am I kidding? He doesn’t talk to us newbies. Just sends these hired goons in white and looking all angelic until you tell them ‘no’. Then the proverbial shit hits the fan and explodes all over the damn place.


My God, Nigel, you are such a drama queen. All you did was prick your finger on the corsage. You'll live. As for your "hired goons" -- sorry, gents -- they're the caterers. And that over there in the chocolate fountain? It's chocolate, not proverbial shit.

Now pull yourself together and let's get this ceremony over with before I waste you.


Opening: Sarah Laurenson.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 791

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 848

Guess the Plot

The Spices of Life

1. As the Food Channel gears up for another battle among amateur chefs, the competition couldn't be hotter. Rosemary must face her nemesis, Cinnamon, who not only stole her signature recipe, but her husband too. Can Pepper win back the love of her life and the golden bundt pan?

2. Ginger comes home after a bad day only to discover that all of her spices have disappeared from her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to a world where the food is completely bland. Turns out her spices are the legendary Lost Seasons, but can she get them back in time to finish making her bruschetta?

3. Unemployed banker Nigel Warner goes on a drunken binge to prepare himself for suicide, but as he's teetering on the ledge, his fairy godmother appears and reveals his mission in life: create a line of ice creams flavored with the spices of life, starting with Hope. So he crawls down to begin the Internet research phase.

4. While experimenting with ingredients for a new pizza sauce, Bela inadvertently creates a formula that can reanimate the dead. Does his chance discovery spell the end of humanity as we know it, or will it merely provide Bela with an army of delivery boys who'll settle for less than minimum wage?

5. When Pepper Morgan meets Eric Salt, she immediately knows they were made for each other. Commitment-phobic Eric's belief in destiny, however, is somewhat less strong. While he dallies with a string of quickly forgotten women, Pepper summons her hidden talents and embarks on a quest to prove to Eric that variety is just one of the spices of life.

6. When TV chef Hillary Grimes drives her Porsche into the Pacific off of Malibu, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: no one would ever deliberately do that to a 914, and his wife is probably gonna make enchiladas tonight. Again.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ginger is an average high school sophomore whose one great passion is cooking. She knows the uses of every spice in her beloved spice cupboard, from anise to wasabi, [and hopes one day to know what to do with the allspice and zedoary.] and can make anything from simple scrambled eggs to a triple layer cheesecake. [If that's another alphabetical range, it's not as impressive as the first one. Plus, anyone can cook simple scrambled eggs. Considering the next sentence, if you must name two dishes Ginger can cook, they should be two exotic dishes. From aardvark pot pie to yellow-bellied sapsucker croquettes.] However, as exotic as her cooking can be, Ginger has never considered leaving her small hometown to visit other countries [from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe] with her wealthy parents, who spend much of their time abroad. [This makes it sound like it's highly unusual for a high school sophomore who can make triple-layer cheesecake not to be a world traveler. I don't think we even need the parents in the query.] Adventure, she tells them, is just not her thing.

Then Ginger comes home from a bad day at school and discovers that her spices are missing, along with the entire inside of her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to another world. [That happened to me once, or at least I thought so. Turned out I shouldn't have eaten that whole tin of nutmeg.] Furious, the girl plunges through and finds herself in a strange land where most people have pointed ears [She's on Vulcan?] if not scales or fur, animals can often talk, and worst of all, the food is completely bland. [Actually, it's not that the food is bland, it's just that Vulcans don't show emotion, even when eating. Although it's hard to believe even Spock could remain stoic while eating a chocolate souffle or a jalapeno burrito.]

Turns out her spices are believed to be the legendary lost Seasons hidden by a wizard many years ago, [Where'd they get that idea?] and everyone wants a piece of their power. [Aha. It's Dune for kids.] Everyone, that is, except Ginger, who just wants her spices back so she can go home and finish that lovely bruschetta...

At 60,000 words, The Spices of Life is a middle grade fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are Ginger's spices the lost Seasons? If so, say they are, instead of saying they are believed to be. If they aren't, you might explain why everyone thinks they are.

Wouldn't it be easier just to go to the grocery store than to cross into a land where people are willing to go to war for her spices?

It's about time home economics students had a fantasy just for them. They must be sick of stories about cooking contests and making dinner for their invalid grandparents.

Cartoon 790

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Sunday Feature 16

The 5th Annual
Zombie
Guess the Plot
Quiz

Each year zombies make numerous appearances in fake plots, but this year four of the following turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?

1. Minerva has always been wayward: cigarettes at thirteen, booze at fourteen, and motherhood at fifteen! That, however, proves to be only apprentice waywardness, for when she turns sixteen, she experiences . . . the waywardness of the undead!!

2. When a drunken surgeon replaced her hands with lobster claws, Natalie's popularity crashed. Exiled from polite society, she takes off sailing solo round the world -- only to be shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by walrusmen, midget vampires, and zombie pirates. But it's not so bad once they make her their queen.

3. The network has spoken, and they've voted off survival reality show host Guy Sly. In a plot of cold revenge Guy orchestrates a mass kidnapping of network bigwigs and plants them on a remote island full of immortal beings. Vampires, zombies and faeries galore! Which fat cat will be dinner first?

4. When Jared and Jason's father is killed by a mysterious explosion at the Foxfire Lab, they know there's more involved than a simple gas leak. Can they find the culprit--or will they unleash a zombie apocalypse?

5. Mary Sue and her boyfriend Gary rampage through Brooklyn while stalking a were-zombie with Lovecraftian ambitions. Meanwhile the Greener in Pieces initiative (run by ghouls) has decided on drastic measures in the once-man vs nature war. Also, a kitchen sink.

6. Joan thought she had problems when zombies started sprouting in her flowerbeds. Then, this morning it rained lobsters. Maybe scrubbing the marks off that oddly-shaped stone in the back was a bad idea.

7. Librarian Jeannie Flaherty knows there's something wrong when every new acquisition that comes into her library involves fog, spectral dogs, alien abductions, and Sasquatch. Could it be a sign that the zombie apocalypse really is happening? Also, undead hamsters.

8. High school's tough for everyone, but while other kids have to worry about locking braces when they kiss, Francie and Chad have to worry about their lips falling off.

9. After the zombie apocalypse kills us all, Marley discovers that brains taste sweeter when he's shambling alongside Dixie Adams. But then the vampires show up and ruin everything.

10. Soon after Jack starts working in Lisa's pizza parlor, romance blossoms. Should he tell her he's a zombie now, or let her find out the hard way, when customers complain that fingers weren't among the toppings they ordered?

11. Melissa has grown tired of dating men who are interested only in her body. Eventually she meets George, a man who actually wants her for her braaaaaaaaaiiins.

12. John's beloved zombie bride Marsha has been kidnapped. Can he lead his fellow rotting corpses through the city and rescue her before she ends up as fertilizer?

13. Marla Higginson falls asleep watching TV only to awaken in a Zombiefied version of her favorite soap. Will she escape Zombism or, since her lover Brendan is now undead, will she convert for him? Tune in tomorrow when…

14. Spirit Hill got her name from her granola-munching parents, and her necromantic ability from a two-timing gypsy. When zombies come looking for organic brains, can she save her beloved commune?

15. As the end of the world draws nigh, miracles are on the rise. So when Jesus Reyes’ modest two-story colonial shows the ability to do long division, a skill long lost to the general populace, no one takes notice. How can they, with zombies wreaking havoc on the town?

16. Elizabeth is having one lousy fifteenth birthday, mostly because of the hitman who killed her. Now she's awakened in the morgue, and the hitman wants to turn her from the living dead to the dead dead. It's beginning to look like she won't make it to her senior prom.

17. One day Josh oversleeps and wakes up to find zombies attacking the city. What's worse, his brain has already been eaten, yet somehow he's still walking around. Being dead feels great! He decides to help others find the same undead bliss he's discovered--while at the same time satisfying his craving for grey matter.

18. When zombies overrun the palace, prince Eduard escapes on foot, shielding his younger sister, princess Aija. But to become king, the law says he needs the actual royal crown, the one they left behind on the dead--now a zombie--King's head.

19. Young and beautiful Gwyn has undertaken to retrieve the talisman that can destroy the cursed zombie army of Francis the Furious from the nunnery at Ammanpur. With the aid of a handsome seaman, Gwyn crosses the ocean only to find the nunnery surrounded and besieged. Can she retrieve the Amulet of Ammanpur and save the . . . sisters across the sea?

20. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

21. Monstro City: where four million monsters reside, wishing their human ruling family were all dead. When Prince Thomas learns his family faces eviction from the castle--and certain death--he sets out in his swamp monster disguise to collect back taxes from a dragon. Can he keep the royal family solvent? Also, a socially challenged zombie.





Answers below




The actual plots are

10, 16, 20, and 21.

Face-Lift 847

Guess the Plot

The Torturer's Daughter

1. The guys are always excited when they see the whips and leather at Laurie's house--until her 6'8" dad comes out, handcuffs in hand. Will Laurie ever get a date her dad doesn't put to death in the torture chamber?

2. When Allie, the Royal Torturer's daughter, disappears from her prep school, there's only one man the King can turn to: Cocks Magnum, Private Eye.

3. Willwithers is no ordinary high school. Drug-free and gang-free, it boasts perfectly-behaved students and the highest test scores in the state. Sure, the school's methods are controversial. Among other things, it employs a torturer. And 10th grader Kenedy Kipling, pretty but dateless, can tell you it sucks to be . . . The Torturer's Daughter.

4. When her BFF Heather phones one night, Becca assumes it's to talk about the cute new boy at school. But no, it's to complain to Becca that her mother has just tortured Heather's parents to death. Who knew having a mother who's an infamous torturer would bring so much friction into her friendships?

5. Alva Hood is tired of being an outcast. It's not her fault her dad tortures fellow citizens for a living. And she hates her nickname - The Iron Maiden. Can Alva reinvent herself as an image consultant to social lepers, and prove that she's more than just . . . The Torturer's Daughter?

6. All the other girls study embroidery, but Camilla must learn to use instruments of torture. Her mother died after birthing just one child so it's her fate to learn the family business: torturing the enemies of her uncle, the King. Unless . . . she can join forces with that cute guy in Dungeon #9, murder Uncle Harry, and take the crown.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When her best friend Heather calls in the middle of the night, Becca assumes it's the usual drama. Wrong. Heather's parents have been arrested as dissidents - and Becca's mother, the regime's most infamous torturer, has already executed them for their crimes against the state. [Hi Becca. Your mother just tortured my parents to death. Oh, and do you understand the math homework?]

To stop Heather from getting herself killed trying to prove her parents' innocence, Becca hunts for proof of their guilt. [Brilliant. Your mother offs your friend's parents, so to smooth things over you try to prove her parents were treasonous subversives.] But she finds more than she bargained for - she discovers evidence that the government is scripting dissident confessions in order to keep the population in constant fear, and her mother is at the center of it all.

Becca doesn't know what to believe anymore, or who to trust. Can she reconcile the mom she's always known with the cold-blooded killer she learns more about every day? [Wait a minute, Mom, you're telling me you're Borgo, the Disemboweler?] [I should have suspected you were an infamous torturer. I mean, other kids get grounded; I get the rack.] Is the cute new boy at school spying for the secret police, or does he have an agenda all his own? [Or--and this may seem far-fetched--did his family just move into the school district?] What is Heather's grief turning her into? [Either delete that question or answer it, preferably the former.] And how can Becca continue to live silently in a world where lives are sacrificed every day to feed propaganda and lies? [I don't know what is meant by "to feed propaganda and lies." Do you mean to feed the people propaganda and lies? To feed the propaganda machine?] [Not sure I'd call the lives "sacrificed" if the people are just being murdered; usually a life is sacrificed for a good cause. It seems that what's happening is that lives are being taken to terrorize the people.]

When Becca risks her life to save a dissident, she learns that her mom isn't the only one with secrets... and the plot she uncovers will threaten the lives of the people she loves most. For Becca, it's no longer just a choice between risking execution and ignoring the regime's crimes; she has to decide whose life to save and whose to sacrifice. [Whoa, you guys are planning to kill all the torturers? That's my mom you're talking about. She didn't even enjoy torturing innocent people! She wore her iPod with the Vienna Boys Choir turned up full just so she wouldn't hear the screaming!]

THE TORTURER'S DAUGHTER is a dystopian young adult novel. It is complete at 63,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This reads pretty well, though it could use a few tweaks. Make sure you mention that the book should appeal to all those readers who liked The Hunger Games but thought it wasn't bleak enough.

I think you need to make it clear whether Becca knows her mother is a torturer. If she doesn't, maybe sentence 3 could read: Heather says her parents have been arrested as dissidents--and claims that the torturer who executed them was Becca's mother!

If Becca knows her mom's a torturer, but thinks she tortures only people who deserve it, I assume there's a mother/daughter scene in which the rebellious teen screams, "Why is it that every time I make a new friend you have to go and torture her parents? You're killing my social life."

Cartoon 789

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 811

Kit ran to the Pacific Ocean Park, her favorite amusement park, like a kid would to an ice cream truck. It was already eight-o-clock, two hours until the fun closed down. Kit’s mother, Mary Jane, had already made them late—taking on a killer double shift at the diner—despite the mile walk from their bungalow to the pier. En route to the old Ocean Park Pier, Mary Jane ran into Kenny, or better said: Kenny almost ran over her as he pulled his filthy blue pick up beside the girls.

Kenny was sickly thin with dingy brown hair and insincere green eyes—someone her mother didn’t know from Adam, aside from the fact he was a man. And since he was a man, for Mary Jane, Kenny was worth getting to know—at least for ten or fifteen minutes.

His smile as greasy as his hair, Kenny leaned out of the open window, his hand careful not to disturb the orange-peeled paint on the door. “Hey ladies, mind helping a poor guy who’s lost? Ev’ry road I’ve taken’s blocked off.”

Mary Jane swung her arm like a car show model and pointed to a parking lot up the road about a block. “None the roads lead smack dab into the park.”

It annoyed Kit how her mother changed her tone, her dialect depending on the kind of man who tried picking her up.

“Not with all them condos they’re puttin’ up.” Mary Jane pouted like Marilyn Monroe, she was almost her doppelganger.

Kenny sported a sly but somehow dopey smile. "Don’t suppose you’d wanna hop on in and show me ‘round?”

"I can durn do better'n that."

Kit rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what was coming next. And sure enough, her mother reached into her pocket and pulled it out. "Well, lookee here," Mary Jane said. "See, here's where we are now, right here, you can see the latitude and longitude displayed in the corner here. This is Long Pier Road right here, you take a left there where the statue is for the East parking lot, or go straight for the Central lot.

"Look here, parking's free in the East lot, but it's a ten minute walk to the park, while the Central lot is right next to the Ferris wheel, but you gotta pay five bucks to leave your car there. I'd recommend the East lot, but, whoa wait a minute; see, if I tap this, it says the East lot is full already so..."

Kit began to walk on toward the park. Ever since her mom bought that damned iPhone, she couldn't resist showing it off to any asshole who happened by.


Opening: Angela Robbins.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 788

Caption: anon.

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Holiday Shopping Guide

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And if those don't sound like your cup of tea, Evil Editor's Store may have just what you want.

Face-Lift 846

Guess the Plot

Of Two or More Minds

1. Penta the Hydra's left head (Gil) summons a demon to rid himself of the right head (Sullie) who's hired a mad scientist to off him. When the demon and scientist team up and imprison them it's up to the middle head (Cal) to free them.

2. In half of his mind, Adrian believes he could make Regina happy, despite being a bisexual homophobe. But in the other half, he knows she won't be thrilled to find out he works for a pornographic video production company connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring.

3. Charlie the zombie could never do anything right. Instead of just eating brains, he's been gulping down the minds as well. Now he's afflicted with multiple personality syndrome. Can he find a cure before two or more of the minds he's eaten talk him into chomping down on a head and getting hair between his teeth?

4. Kate knew exploring the haunted house at night was a bad idea. Now she has two ghosts possessing her body. One is out for revenge while the other just wants to live a normal life - and they're both in love with Kate.

5. Five-year-old Malcolm could barely read English when he started speaking Spanish, and Swahili and Sanskrit. Psychiatric consultations provide the explanation: three ancient spirits are feuding within Malcolm's mind. Can Malcolm's own mind take control . . . or has he already lost it?

6. When a photo booth generates an exact double of 15 year-old Yin Chee, she thinks it's the solution to her problems. She can party while her double keeps up with the grueling study regime that her parents force on her. Trouble is, her mind simultaneously occupies both bodies. And when her double spontaneously splits, her mind gets shared between three Yins.



Original Version

Dear Evil and expanding evilness:

Query for novel "Of Two or More Minds"

Adrian's friends attempt a shakedown of his boss by stealing an illegal adult film and threatening to turn it over to authorities. This leaves the sexually confused theater manager playing both sides; [Not clear whether Adrian or his boss is the theater manager.] earnestly trying to prove his loyalty to the company while reluctantly pocketing his share of the stolen cash. [What stolen cash? It was a film they stole. Did the guy pay them off? Usually when someone says a shakedown was attempted, I assume it failed. Otherwise the writer would have just said they shook him down. Why does Adrian get a share? Was he in on the theft? When a guy has something illegal and you steal it from him, you now have something illegal. Seems like you're the one potentially in trouble now. And if he buys the item back, does that make the payment stolen cash?] Actually, Adrian distrusts Lou Davis, his boss, but doesn't know the porn operator had partnered with a Web-based video production company deeply connected to a Salvadorian child prostitution ring. [If you're gonna partner with a child prostitution ring, make it a Guatemalan child prostitution ring or a Nicaraguan child prostitution ring. Anything but a Salvadorean child prostitution ring.] [How come whether I spell it Salvadorean or Salvadorian or Salvadoran, Blogger doesn't tell me it's misspelled? Apparently you can spell it any way you want. Salutatorian. Slovenian. Slobodan Milosevic. Christ, everything works. In El Salvador, spelling bees never end.] He doesn't know Lou's partners had already gained control of the business by turning Lou's weakness against him. Adrian was soon to get set up the same way but gets off much easier, [The younger you are, the easier it is to get off.] the blackmail only having destroyed his half-serious engagement to Regina, [You're dumping me? Just because I'm a blackmailer tangentially involved with child pornography?] his best friend and lover. But he could rationalize that as the fair outcome. A bisexual homophobe not much for sharing is probably not the reliable lover she wanted so to believe. [And probably not the main character we wanted so to cheer for.] Even if he wanted just as much to believe. Belief, it seemed, could be complete in just half of one's mind.


Notes

Half of my mind believes this is a hoax. The other half wants to believe it's a hoax.

But just in case it isn't, it needs clarity, it needs paragraphing, and it needs to focus on the Adrian/Regina relationship. If Adrian loves Regina and has no idea he works for a porn producer and then he finds out, but his criminal bosses threaten to kill him if he quits . . . Nah. I don't see anything making us want to root for a homophobic blackmailer who is torn about remaining loyal to a company connected with child porn. I recommend putting this novel in a trunk and writing one about kittens.

If you want to make money by stealing, it's kind of stupid to steal from a criminal involved in a sleazy racket. You could end up sleeping with the fishes. Better to steal from a little old lady, so you only have to worry about the police.