Cartoon 489

Caption: Faceless Minion

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Face-Lift 682

Guess the Plot

Aria

1. In the greatest mystery ever to challenge Miss Fiskle, a beautiful music student elopes with the barman from the Waterhouse-Woolibob Pub, an establishment of shady repute. Unpredictably, Penelope loses her gentleman somewhere between the altar and the car. Has the brute died, or simply gone AWOL?

2. Daughter of an opera singer and a taximan, Aria Bentley seeks fame and fortune at sea. She'll be the first teen to sail solo round the world with a full-sized piano on board. Except that, just as the hurricane begins to blow, she discovers an unconscious man in the water. Should she rescue this hairy castaway? Or leave him for the sharks?

3. When pirates board a Caribbean yacht, they don't expect the vessel to suddenly be transported into a universe where islands and ships float in the air. Nor to be chased through the sky by El Diablo. Nor to encounter Mother Earth singing "Sempre Libera." Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

4. Anna Maria lands the lead in Carmen. She's sure to be the toast of the town--but the opera opens the night of the full moon. Will the audience buy her soprano wolf howls as an avant garde Carmen, or is she doomed to get scathing reviews?

5. Shayna longs to sing at the Met. She looks like an angel, but has the voice of a bullfrog in heat. Meanwhile her best friend, Kelly, has the voice of an angel, but looks like a bullfrog. Can one plastic surgeon, two costume designers, and a mad scientist bring these women happiness?

6. Her father wants Millicent to sing soprano, but she's perfectly content as the gothy, oppressed mistress of the opera house owner. The show must go on, however, and when the actress playing Camille falls ill, Millicent must step in. Hilarity ensues.


Original Version

Dear Agent Cuddles;

Ken Williams spends his days sailing charters from a small Caribbean island while trying to forget the friends he was manipulated into betraying four years ago. When Garth Anderson, the rogue operative who set Ken up, forces him into a modern act of piracy, neither man expects the yacht they've targeted to be pulled into another universe. [Not even Evil Editor expected it.] There, islands float in the sky, ships sail through the air and the four elements have taken human form. [Are they on a planet that has no gravity? If islands float in the sky, why doesn't everything else float into the sky?]

Ken ends up on a ship crewed by the M'wani, a handful of escaped slaves hoping to reach safety on the distant coast. [If ships sail through the air, I don't see why reaching a coast is significant. It's like a WWI dogfight over the English Channel, and one pilot thinks, I've got no more ammo and no maneuverability, but if I can just make it to the coast he can't touch me. Reaching the coast might be good if you're being chased by a submarine.] Among them is N'gali, the Earth Mother. She is being chased across the sky by El Diablo, the avatar of Fire who leads a nation of fanatic conquerors. El Diablo has already captured the avatar of Water and has exiled Father Sky, the only spirit strong enough to oppose him. [I would think water would be better at opposing fire than sky. I base this on TV shows I've seen where they spray water on burning buildings. Though come to think of it, the buildings always burn down anyway.] If El Diablo catches N'gali, he will use her power to create a fiery new world where his followers will rule forever. [Let him create a new world where his followers rule forever. Anything to get him out of our hair.] [By the way, there has to be a limit to how many of your followers can rule forever. If your followers are all ruling forever, it eventually occurs to you that no one's really following you.]

Ken has to choose between surrendering the M'wani and running a race that looks hopeless, for El Diablo's soldiers control the coast and have trapped the M'wani between fleets. [Why is it Ken who has to choose? He just got there and they've already appointed him leader? I'm surprised they don't think he's a spy.] Ken's best friend has sabotaged the M'wani ship in a desperate attempt to return to his home world, [What's Ken's best friend doing in this universe? And what do you mean by "his home world"? Isn't Ken's best friend from Earth?] and El Diablo's accidental death [The great El Diablo, scourge of the universe, villain of the novel, on the verge of capturing his nemesis, isn't defeated by your main character, but dies in an accident?] has transformed Anderson into the new embodiment of Fire. [If you're in human form, what does it mean to be the embodiment of fire? Is it like being the Human Torch?]

Aria is an 86,000 word fantasy. The complete manuscript is available on request. My short work has appeared [where the streets have no name].


Notes

What's so great about human form that the four elements would all take it? Maybe if he'd remained in spirit form El Diablo would be alive today.

Is Ken on the yacht when it is drawn into the other universe, and if so, why is he suddenly on the M'wani's boat instead of the yacht? What happened to the yacht?

What's N'gali doing on the M'wani's boat? Can't the Earth goddess come up with better transportation? Shouldn't she be on the earth instead of the water or the sky anyway?

In a novel it's bad when aliens appear in chapter 14; in a query, it's bad when they appear any later than sentence 1. The query might sound less nutzburgers if the fantasy world is mentioned up front. Or--and this will seem a bit radical--keep only the first sentence and rework the novel into a thriller set on plain old Earth.

Cartoon 488

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 692

We packed snacks and squash-vine trumpets and left Avery’s house in broad daylight. The drive to the trailhead was short, but when we got out of the car we were already in shadow; the mountain blocked the sun. Avery said we’d have enough light for going up and we’d remember our way when we came down. Anyway he knew the path, and he had (he said) good balance and excellent night vision and could help me if I had trouble getting back down. I didn’t intend to need help. I would always be eight years younger than Avery, but I was eighteen now, an adult and his equal. And while it might suit him to be helpful and protective to women, it suited me to be independent of men.

The place was lovely enough to take my mind off independence. Even in the muted light the last maple leaves showed red-gold against the dark green of pines and the silver of bare branches. The trail climbed through thick woods and across narrow clearings full of berry brambles. Yes, Avery told me, hikers were welcome to pick the berries even though this was public land.

I still think of him up there in the fading light, his mouth full of sweet, juicy berries, a pine cone up his ass, his cold, lifeless eyes wide with shock as I covered his corpse with maple leaves. Yes, Avery -- excellent night vision, but you didn't see that coming, did you, you patronizing, misogynistic bastard? Your good balance didn't help you this time, did it, you fat fuck? Independence: that's what I'm talking about. Looks like I won't always be eight years younger than you, after all.


Opening: Joanna......Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 487

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 681

Guess the Plot

Heirs of the Collective

1. Justin and Eliot inherit Uncle Norman's priceless Borg memorabilia collection, little knowing that the entire Phoenix Star Trek convention is plotting to steal it.

2. Gordon believes his son Jackson is destined to lead the Collective, but other members of the Collective believe that Collectives don't have leaders; that's the whole point of a Collective. But eliminating Jackson won't be easy, for he has developed secret super powers.

3. When the last hippie of the Love Shack Collective finally dies of old age, he leaves everything to a pair of cats, Sparky and Muffin, two of the worst behaved felines Brenda, the new maid, ever met. What is she to do with these vile creatures? And how can she get their hunky guardian, Brent Wiggins, to go for a roll in the sack?

4. 11-year old Jonah lives with his extended family in an illegal beekeeping collective. When Grandpa Henry suddenly dies, Jonah's relatives struggle for control of the operation. Can Jonah survive the infighting and uncover if his grandfather was murdered, all without exposing the beekeeping to the authorities?

5. The year is 1953. Piotr Nikolaievitch Rusanov and his sister Yulia Nikolaievna have just received a broken-down tractor, four hundred kilogrammes of mildewed grain, and fifteen men's boots, left, size twelve. They are forced to conclude that, back in the days of Tsarist imperialist oppression, will readings were a lot more fun.

6. An orange growth on Holly Bond's bathroom ceiling informs her that it's part of humanity's collective conscious. As she scrubs it off, everyone in a small town in Nebraska loses their memory. Can Holly stay one step ahead of the government agents descending on her quiet town?


Original Version

Dear Agent

Since you are looking to build your list with fantasy and paranormal, you may be interested in my debut novel, Home: Heirs of the Collective (92,745 words). Heirs is part contemporary women’s and part paranormal romance* - the first novel in my Home trilogy. It alternates between the two protagonists’ POV:

Pregnant wife, DABNEY, discovers her divine partner, GORDON, is a future leader in a Santerian Collective that “benevolently” inhabits “disposable” (druggies, homeless, etc.) humans, transforming them into thriving citizens. [I don't know what you mean by "divine," by "Santerian Collective," or by "inhabits."] The multi-ethnic group exists in isolation until their procreation efforts go awry, requiring breeding vessels. [I wouldn't mind knowing what you mean by "go awry."] Dabney’s enlightenment requires living among beings born to maximize and utilize their natural purpose for the good of the Collective. An attack by Gordon’s half-brother on her newly conceived child forces her enlightenment. [What is "enlightenment"? What is the "natural purpose" of the beings Dabney is required to live among?] His plan: co-op the fetus since Gordon vacillated on completing the process, [What is the "process"?] and show Gordon’s deficiency as a leader. Gordon’s plan: realize his, and his son’s, inherited destiny despite growing resistance and facilitate acceptance of the woman whose chi matches his own. [Time out. I need a few moments to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine I'm in a peaceful place...] [Okay, I'm back, but let's take it slow; we don't want anyone's head to explode.] Dabney’s plan: salvage her life and protect her son who vowed, from the womb, to protect her. Dissidents also feel they have a right to the heir. They feel a different call to action than Gordon or the Council [The Council? I don't remember the Borg collective needing a Council. Everyone had equal say in everything.] for the continuity of their race, and have plans to ensure that Gordon loses both his inherited destiny and his son. They don’t factor in something else only Dabney knows: Jackson, the first fully successful hybrid, has advanced abilities. [Is that what makes him fully successful? What were the unsuccessful hybrids like?] The wild card exists in that Jackson formed his own sense of propriety almost from birth. [Head explosion imminent. Roll out the tarp and get a mop.] He, also, clearly, [You've, gone, comma, crazy.] to an unknown degree, shares his father fidelity to the Collective. [Jackson is Dabney's child? I wasn't aware he'd even been born yet, and you're talking about him like he's an adult.] Dabney loves the man she hopes Gordon still is and fiercely loves her son. Gordon loves them both with every molecule of his real self, but pragmatically knows that larger issues sometimes eclipse even extraordinary love.

While the market for steamy and erotic paranormal and romance remains constant, I believe that readers are thirsty, not just for vamps, et al in lust, but for all stories, especially with a love element, that provides escape from the ordinary, the doom and gloom. And they don’t necessarily need non-stop erotica: [At the moment, that's exactly what I need.] witness the many adult readers of Twilight, Evermore, etc. Home novels have enough love scenes to interest readers of erotic romance, but more of the elements that interest the contemporary audience. [I'm not sure whether agents find it insulting, annoying, amusing, or just a waste of space when writers profess to know more about markets than the agents do, and thus must explain all this stuff. Get rid of this whole paragraph.]

My Home series is an *urban fantasy/paranormal meets contemporary romance, in that there is equal emphasis on the relationship/challenges and saving their world. It is essentially a love story that encompasses survival and life changing choices. One that asks whether the good of one seemingly superior group trumps potential harmful impact on another.

A fuller 2-page synopsis and bio follow this letter. The Heirs conflict continues in Home: Escaping Destiny (editing)-synopsis available upon request. I’m completing the third, untitled, installment, and am also toying with a prequel on the Collective’s origins in the Mayan jungle. You can also read additional writing samples at (link deleted)/

I am grateful for your consideration of Heirs of the Collective, and look forward to sending the entire manuscript. I hope the characters I love pique your interest. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

You make this sound like hard science fiction while calling it romance. The audience for these genres is different. You also seem to imply that contemporary romance is non-stop erotica. The average contemporary romance has two to four love scenes that may be erotic, and surrounding them is an actual plot.

Whattaya mean when you say the Collective inhabits the homeless? All of the Collective? How big is the Collective?

This somehow manages to be too technical while being too vague. Here's what I think your plot may be:

Dabney has given birth to Jackson, the first human/Santerian hybrid and destined to one day lead the Santerian race. Jackson's father, Gordon, a member of the Santerian Collective, is torn between his love for Dabney and Jackson and his loyalty to the Collective. Dissident members of the Collective want Gordon and Jackson out of the way, but they don't know that Jackson has latent super powers. Can Dabney protect her son from the Collective--and possibly his own father--until he develops his powers and reaches his destiny?

I may have it wrong, but the point is that I've attempted not to dumb it down, but to clear it up. Trash the whole thing and focus on the heart of the story.

Cartoon 486

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 680

Guess the Plot

In All the Wrong Places

1. A complete catalogue detailing every single place where Lorraine looked for love from 1992 through 2005, and a picture what she found there.

2. Amber wants to rid the world of men who touch children "in all the wrong places." So she teams up with her friends Cassie and Robin to form a vigilante trio of pedophile eliminators. But will they get their first victim before he gets them?

3. The problem with Joanie's career is geography. Every time she gets a job, disaster strikes, removing her office from the map, or at least reducing it to rubble. But she has great legs and fabulous hair, so Steve hires her anyway. Trouble ensues.

4. Joelle can't understand why her self-published romance novel isn't selling. When her mother suggests it's because the only places it's available are Billy Bob's Bait & Tackle Shoppe and the concession stand at the local cockfighting pit, Joelle looks into advertising in the Wimbledon program.

5. Elvis Midnight, vampire hunter, never gives up when stalking his prey. What he can't figure out is why a vampire is living in the middle of the Sahara.

6. Rosie likes her new boyfriend, except for the fact that he has no idea what he's doing in bed. So she enlists the help of sexologist Peter Patel—only to discover after a few sessions she's in love with him. Will she have the courage to tell Dr. Patel how she feels, or will her boyfriend continue touching her . . . In All the Wrong Places?


Original Version

Dear [specific agent]:

I’m querying you because you are ‘drawn to a conflicted protagonist trying to right some wrong.’ [That's too vague for your opening sentence, even if it is taken from the agent's website. If you describe a good story in which a conflicted character rights a wrong, the agent will be drawn to it without having to be reminded that it's his/her cup of tea.]

Over-achieving and insecure, Amber dreams of saving children from abuse by ridding the world of pedophiles, but she wonders if she’s prepared to risk her marriage to David—he defends the justice system even when it fails.

[Amber: Unbelievable. According to Time, DNA evidence proved that yet another innocent man went to the electric chair.

David: Hey, they all had their day in court.]

Veterinarian Robin, a grieving widow, cannot euthanize an animal without feeling Roman Catholic guilt; she wonders if she can risk eternal damnation. Car dealer Cassie doesn’t wonder at all. [At least you have one realistic character.]

Over dinner and laughter, they devise ten rules for committing the perfect murder. Rule #1: Convicted pedophiles only. Rule #2: No connection between huntress and the pedophile or his victims… But what if dinner party rules don’t work in real life?

To test the rules and her resolve, Amber stalks a suspected pedophile [Suspected by whom? What happened to Rule #1?] and discovers an outlet for the anger that threatens her marriage. She doesn’t know her target tortures his victims to death. She never imagined he would threaten her life and David’s. Now it’s too [late?] for regrets. To save David, [She actually wants to save her pathetic pedophile-sympathizer husband?] Amber and her friends must ignore the rules and eliminate the killer before David discovers their secret. [I would think eliminating the killer before he kills them would be stronger motivation than eliminating him before David discovers their secret.]

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES is currently the #1 all-time favorite on HarperCollin’s authonomy® website. [That's like saying, When the opening of my novel appeared on Evil Editor's website it got more positive comments than any other New Beginning.] [Also, that should be "HarperCollins's".] [Also, this leads one to wonder why HarperCollins hasn't snapped it up.] Hollywood screenwriter Michael Grais (“Poltergeist” and Stephen King’s “Sleepwalker”) says, “This brave novel goes beyond ‘Dexter’ and ‘Death Wish’ and asks whether vigilantism is ever right. Great movie potential.” [Not clear why a Hollywood screenwriter is being quoted. You can worry about film rights later, or adapt it into a screenplay, but whether it would make a good movie isn't going to matter at this stage of the game.] Scenes from the novel have won two contests sponsored by the Canada Council for the Arts and BC Arts Council in the literary and crime fiction categories.

For the many parents who worry about their children’s safety, IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES explores their fantasies of vigilante justice. For me, a corporate lawyer, vigilantes are the stuff of thought-provoking novels. EPIPHANIES, my book on the fiction-writing craft, will be published early in 2010 by AMADIS Publishing LLC (website under construction.) [Actually, your qualifications to write a book on the fiction-writing craft would make better credits than the fact that you wrote one.]

I have attached the first chapter of my novel and inserted it following this query in case you prefer not to open attachments.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

What exactly is threatening Amber's marriage? Her husband's refusal to take the law into his own hands?

I found the perfect murder discussion the most interesting part. Maybe you should open with something like: Over dinner and laughter, three women devise a formula for committing the perfect murder--little realizing they'll soon have a need for that formula.

After that you can tell us who the women are, and it won't feel so much like a list of unrelated items.

Unless you bring up how the veterinarian's guilt and the car dealer's lack of it affect the murder plot, you can leave that out and just identify them by occupation or as Amber's friends. Those tidbits feel like random facts as presented.

Success Story

Robin S.'s short short story "Playing Pretend" has been published in Wilderness House Literary Review.

Here's the piece.

The opening appeared here as New Beginning 549.

Cartoon 485

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 691

Moonlight shined through a paper window, dimly lighting a small room. Mina rested peacefully on top of her tattered sheets, listening to the waves crash against a pebbled beach outside. She could hear the stones jostling under each wave--a relaxing sound that was her favorite lullaby--and her mind vacillated between sleeping and waking. She began to dream of her mother. Did her mother fall asleep to the same lullaby?

Something felt strange. Mina’s eyes fluttered open and the world around her appeared hazy. She sensed something. Perhaps she was partially dreaming--No. Someone was in the room with her. Her vision came into focus and she looked toward the doorway. A decrepit old woman was there. The crone’s eyes were hollow. Its dress was covered in shadow and its grey skin was translucent. As it glided towards Mina, its feet dragged, rhythmically thumping over cracks in the floorboards.

The woman stood, bent over, by Mina's bed. Her breath rasped in her lungs, sending a dry stench across Mina's face. "Are you awake, child?"

"Of course I'm awake," she replied. "Nobody likes reading a story where someone wakes from a dream."

"Don't I know it, child," the crone chuckled. "You should hear what they say about waking up to a stranger in the room."

"And if the room just happens to be white?" Mina added.

Their laughter was nearly audible over the jostling pebbles.


Opening: Matthew.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 484

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 679

Guess the Plot

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum

1. When Zach Kalusky and his team of paranormal investigators inspect Rosewood Asylum, another crew, the Demon Hunters is inspecting it at the same time. Now Zach has bigger problems than ghosts--what if the Demon Hunters discover that he's possessed?

2. The new asylum director believes even psychotics can contribute to the community, and what better way than hosting a Halloween haunted house for the kiddies? The inmates take up the idea with gusto, but the director has second thoughts when chain saws go missing from the maintenance shed.

3. At the Rosewood Asylum, psychic investigator Dan Lomas discovers the Grey Lady (who sits in a corner and drools), the Bald Man (who sits in a corner and drools) and the sinister Gaunt Figure (who drools and sits in a corner). Apparently, botched lobotomies result in really dull ghosts.

4. When she finally gets her dream job as madhouse administrator, Phillis Chimpski has nightly dreams about terrifying ghosts. She soon becomes so irrational and hysterical Dr. Bromer ties her in a straitjacket and locks her in that tiny room in the basement . . . with all her predecessors.

5. Twinkie Jones never heard of Great Uncle Waldo until she inherited his estate. She moves to Rosewood anyway, for her musical career. But that's a flop and she can't even sell the house. What to do? Haunted tours, seances, and mystery parties help her make ends meet--until the real ghosts appear and demand a shocking sacrifice.

6. Rosewood Asylum burned down eleven years ago killing everyone inside. Lindon Fairway buys the ruins to conduct paranormal research, and discovers the inmates weren't crazy; but the people who put them there were -- and now they know that he knows.


Original Version

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum:
Xavier Paranormal Investigators Case History [If you're planning a series of books about these investigators, maybe you should give the case history a number. Maybe #663 so your series can build toward #666. If it's not a series, I'd dump the subtitle.]

What Sci-D TV doesn’t know about its lead paranormal investigator, Zach Kalusky, is that he’s possessed.

Exploring the most haunted site in Chicago, the place Zach has wanted to inspect for years, comes with a catch. When the network forces Xavier Paranormal Investigators to partner with the more dramatic but less ethical, Demon Hunters, there’s sure to be conflict. Zach’s group of college science geeks square off against the showy Goth freaks. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity, [What is "the show"? If it's the Halloween special, you haven't mentioned that yet. Is Xavier Paranormal Investigators the name of a TV show, or the name of Zach's team? Is Demon Hunters the name of a TV show, or just the name of the other team?] and butts heads almost immediately with his rival host. While investigating Rosewood Asylum for a Halloween special, the teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either show has previously documented. [That sentence belongs with the next paragraph.]

But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking towards the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach deals with conflicted feelings over his own possession, he pushes himself and his team to uncover the truth about the haunting. Once its secret is uncovered, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—not to mention the surrounding historic neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat to survival. Zach must protect innocents from the asylum’s demons, while coming to grips with the skeletons in his own closet. [That sentence sounds anticlimactic after the previous one, which is a better wrap-up.]


Revised Version

Zach Kalusky, paranormal investigator and host of Sci-D TV's ________________, plans to explore the most haunted site in Chicago for a Halloween special. But there's a catch: the network insists that Zach's team partner with the more dramatic--but less ethical--Demon Hunters. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity while trying to protect a secret: that he, himself, is possessed.

While investigating Rosewood Asylum, the two teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either has previously documented. But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking toward the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach pushes his team to uncover the truth about the haunting, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—as well as the surrounding neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat . . . to survival.


Notes

As the author described this as his "pitch" I won't quibble over the fact that it is a brief synopsis and not quite a query letter, but even a pitch should indicate how long the novel is.

The only reason the Demon Hunters need to be in the plot summary is because they threaten to expose Zach's possession. We don't need to know that they are goth freaks and it's already implied that they will butt heads with Zach. Which is why I shortened that portion.

I also removed the part about Zach's conflicted feelings, which doesn't sound like something he will care about when he's experiencing more paranormal activity than ever before.

I don't think it's a problem that you don't hint at what the secret is, but it wouldn't hurt if you did.

Cartoon 483

Caption: Paul Penna

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New Beginning 690

Put that down. It won’t help you here.

You all come clutching useless things: coins, talismans, weapons. Before the armed ones finish the crossing they’re usually scared enough to attack someone, and there’s no one here to harm except themselves. The rest of you clench your treasures in your hands and stare at them as if they could save you. Forget that. You’d best keep your hands and eyes wide open.

Yes, you heard me right. No one to hurt except yourself. I’m only a voice. You’ll be rid of me soon enough.

Dreaming? You could call it that. Yes, you’ll wake up in time. But what you’ll wake to.... that depends on what you do now.

Hush now. There were plenty of people to hear you before, and most of what you said to them wasn’t worth saying. There’s no one but me to hear you now. Stop talking. Look ahead.

Yes, it’s a narrow edge, but you can walk it. Go on. Staring longer at the drop on either side won’t make it easier to start.

Steady now. Watch your step. I see the lights over there as well as you do.

Stay between the marked lines at all times. Don't try to reach over them.

In the unlikely event of an emergency, follow the glowing arrows. I'll keep you safe.

Remember, you must be at least as tall as the line on the wall to ride this attraction.

Your adventure is about to begin. Don't forget to stop by the gift shop when you exit.


Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Steve Wright

Cartoon 482

Caption: Paul Penna

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Face-Lift 678

Guess the Plot

Dodging Bullets

1. Rock star Spike McGee takes his grandma to the Amazon jungle, only to be kidnapped by "Visionaries" who are high as kites. Meanwhile the authorities seem bewildered so Granny paddles upriver with her Smith & Wesson and Miguel, vowing to find those rat bastards or die trying.

2. Life as a vampire was never easy, but now that his arch-enemy has acquired an ample supply of silver bullets, Hugo Valle never gets a moment of rest. Which makes it ever so difficult to be as seductive and vain as the other vampires on Broadway. Still, he tries.

3. It is a dark day in Black Gulch when rival gangs of outlaws simultaneously hold up the stage coach from Tombstone. But thanks to handsome gambler Sam Birks and his man Jeeves, Miss Kitty and her Can-Can troupe escape the melee by fleeing into the wilderness.

4. Gay Republican Cody Carlisle lands a job--and a secret relationship--with White House adviser Kirk Rayne. Now Cody wants to break off the affair, but rumor has it Kirk murdered the last boyfriend who broke up with him. Can Cody get out without . . . Dodging Bullets?

5. When she married Bud, Maddy had no idea how caffeine affected him. Their safari honeymoon is ruined when she serves him Kenyan roast and he goes on a rampage with the elephant gun. Plus, a handsome rescue helicopter pilot.

6. Sarah Simpson is a plucky seamstress who is succeeding by selling her retro bullet-bras to Hollywood’s pointy-boobed elite. But she constantly unravels in front of Buck McClure, hunky action star. Will their love be a perfect fit? Or will they be seam-ripped apart?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Cody Carlisle is gay, Republican, and addicted to power. [What is it that would appeal to a gay guy about a political party that has gay guy death panels as part of its platform?] His friendship with his old mentor, now the President of the United States, has landed him a position on the staff of top White House adviser, Kirk Rayne.

The perfect job to support his habit, right? Nope. As the new guy, Cody's stuck reporting to Joey Ratansky--a man less ethical and more paranoid than Richard Nixon. [Cody and Joey sound more like the names of the Jonas Brothers than guys working in the White House.] So rather than scoring political victories and shrinking the government, Cody is busy foiling Ratansky's never-ending schemes to get him fired.

Cody has two choices: match Ratansky's deceit or lose his job. [What about telling his friend and mentor the president about Ratansky's dirty tricks?] When a hot tub incident exposes Kirk Rayne's attraction to him, [Another gay Republican? Is this science fiction?] [Where is this hot tub? Were they both in it when the "incident" occurred?]

[Hot Tub Incident:

Kirk: Mind if I join you in the hot tub?
Cody: You're naked.
Kirk: Yes, meet Captain Kirk.]

Cody ignores his inner ethicist and uses a secret affair with Rayne to supplant Ratansky.

[Rayne: Sorry Ratansky, I'm gonna have to let you go.
Ratansky: Why?
Rayne: You're not the type of guy I want handling my staff.]

Although the relationship helps Cody climb into the president's inner circle, [Can't you come up with a better nickname for it than "inner circle"? The Urban Dictionary suggests Rusty Sheriff's Badge.] dating an old man gets ... well, old, and Cody resolves to end it.

As he considers how to break up with Rayne and still maintain his influence, Cody learns that Rayne may have murdered an ex-boyfriend. On the day the ex dumped him. [I'd change the period after "boyfriend" to an ellipsis or dash.] Fearing that ending the affair could make him Rayne's next victim, Cody must solve the murder to escape the relationship.

I conceived of Dodging Bullets: The Perilous Journey of a White House Pol--complete at 70,000 words--while finishing my PhD in political science at Rutgers University. During my graduate studies, I also taught in the Rutgers writing program.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Cody's goal is to dump Kirk but continue working for him? I don't see Kirk going for that, whether he's a murderer or not, so why bother solving the murder?

And you'd better explain how Cody thinks he can solve a murder that no one else was able to solve.

If the main plot is Cody gets involved with his boss in order to advance his career and later wants out but fears for his life, I don't see the need for Ratansky to even be in the query. He's a subplot, and he's delaying your getting to the murder. By the time you get to the murder, I've settled into believing the book is about politics and scandal. Maybe you need to open with a statement like: Cody Carlisle never thought his dream job in the White House would land him in the middle of a murder investigation. A clue about where the story goes. Right now it feels like the murder comes up in the last chapter.

Cartoon 481

Caption: Whirlochre

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New Beginning 689

I hate guns. I went to a party when I was sixteen and my friend's maw pulled a revolver on her ex-husband in the dining room. Me and my friends were sitting around the table drinking cheap beer, and right out of nowhere there was this crazy bitch on the loose. She yelled at him to get the hell out of her house, but his arms went up real slow and his fingers crossed behind his head. He leaned back in the chair like it was a joke. All of us kids got up and ran out of that house like we were stealing candy from the 7-11 and we got caught. I remember turning around to look at the last minute, before I made it outside, and what I noticed was the difference between the two of them. His face looked flat and peach, as if he didn't give a shit at all. She had a red face that shook and twisted--she was a human pit bull ready to attack. Thinking back, I realize crazy doesn't always look like you think it's going to. That man was nuts, and he took two bullets in the chest because of it. Anyway, that's why I hate guns.

However, I sense that you boys don't quite share the same sentiment, and given the late hour and the part of town we're in, I guess on this occasion I would be willing to, ah, part with the Rolex and my money. Just stay calm there, boys, while I reach for my wallet . . .


Opening: Aimee States.....Continuation: Anon.