Face-Lift 1015

Guess the Plot

Black and White

1. A history of the newspaper industry and its fall from black and white and read all over to black and white and red all over.

2. After numerous demonstrations and complaints from the NAACP and White Anglo-Saxon activists about his divisive song titles, presidential front-runner Michael Jackson decides to re-record his hit single "Black or White."

3. After crushing his witchy opponent, chess genius Filbert Daggleson indulges in wild celebration. In the morning he's black and white all over. Not checkered, more like plaid. Now he must find the witch and get her to lift this curse, or else look like an idiot forever.

4. Pakistani Sayeed Kamila, a frustrated cab driver, quits his job with Yellow Taxi and starts his own company, Black and White Taxi. Starting with one cab, he builds a taxi empire but ultimately goes bankrupt and ends up driving a Checker cab.

5. On a world with two races (Flyons, who are white, and Dhellions, who are black), a race war has lasted for centuries. Then a God shows up and decrees that everyone must play nice together or die. The killing stops as the Flyons and Dhellions unite in an effort to get rid of the God.

6. It's the biggest long shot in history when a zebra is entered in the Kentucky Derby--until jockey Louie Falcone replaces all the thoroughbreds' water with vodka.


Original Version

[Note: the author couldn't decide which character's POV to focus the query on, so there are two versions here.]

1.
Dear Evil Editor,

Fallen, an eighteen-year-old Dhellion, wishes his father would leave him alone. The ghost has been following him for ten years, saying he needs a Flyon named Zata dead before he can rest in peace.

Just when Fallen finds her, a celestial being named Auris appears. Claiming to be a God, Auris bans killing, ending the centuries-long war between Flyon and Dhellion. Fallen isn't sure what a God is, but disobedience means death by lightening, [Interesting. I take it Dhellions are black, and they die if they get lightened? And Flyons are white and they die when darkened?] so killing Zata will have to wait.

Not wanting to lose track of her, Fallen sticks to Zata like a shadow. She's bound by the God's rules, too, so all she can do is grit her teeth and try to ignore him – something Fallen delights in making as difficult as possible. [Do these people ever sleep? She ought to be able to lose him at some point.] But the longer he's with her, the more she seems, well, normal, and a lot more likeable than any Flyon should be. [And the more he seems, well, annoying, and a lot less likeable than any Dhallion should be.]

Auris continues making Decrees, [No calling each other the R word or the Q word, or it's death by dyeing.] forcing Dhellions and Flyons to play nice, live interspersed and talk to each other – or die. Fallen obeys, until he learns the God plans to marry off Flyons and Dhellions, then re-distribute all the children to “save the next generation” from their parents' racism. The entire planet wants the God gone and their freedom back. Mortals can't hurt Auris, but Fallen's father says he might be able to drag the God to the farthest corner of the universe and hold it there. Maybe.

But before he tries, he wants Zata dead. [Why?]

BLACK AND WHITE is a 69,000-word standalone YA fantasy novel with series potential. It is told from the perspectives of Auris, Fallen and Zata.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!



2.

Dear Evil Editor,

The rules in Zata's world have always been simple: Flyons kill Dhellions on sight, and vice versa. She's spent years training for the day she's old enough to fight on the front lines. But when she catches a Dhellion named Fallen sneaking around, Zata can't bring herself to kill him.

Then a god named Auris appears and bans killing. Zata isn't sure what a god is, but anyone to disobey Auris's rules is fried by lightning. To complicate matters more, Fallen decides to hang around.

No matter what Zata does, she just can't get rid of him. The more time Zata spends with Fallen, the more he seems, well, normal. Maybe even likeable – no, that's going too far. After all, everyone knows Dhellions are monsters.

Auris's rules grow increasingly restrictive, controlling everyone's actions, speech and lifestyles. Zata grits her teeth and obeys – until she learns the God plans to marry off Flyons and Dhellions, and re-distribute children to “save the next generation” from their parents' racism.

The God has to go, but Zata's training didn't cover killing immortals. Besides, if Auris leaves, Flyons and Dhellions will start fighting again. [If that's true, it seems the experiment is over. The races won't get along unless the alternative is death, and the marriage/redistribution plan is the way to go.] That means no more Fallen - which, Zata keeps reminding herself, is what she wants. Isn't it?

BLACK AND WHITE is a 69,000 word standalone YA fantasy with series potential. It is told from Fallen, Zata, and Auris's perspectives.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you!


[Authors note to EE: the novel is called Black and White because Dhellions are black and Flyons are white. And the main characters start out seeing things in black and white - both literally and figuratively.]


Notes

If I had to choose I'd go with the second version. It's clearer.

Maybe the races should be purple and green. It might seem slightly less heavy-handed. Probably not. Either way, teens aren't going to go for something this obvious. In fact, if it were a childrens' picture book with kittens and puppies the kids would say, Just tell a story and quit with the moralistic symbolism.

This is the same plot we did last year in Face-Lift 934.

This would be better if it were an alternate history set on Earth in which black Africa developed advanced transportation and weaponry first and conquered Europe, and the races have been at war ever since.

Have you tried a query from Auris's POV?

What you have is a Romeo and Juliet story. The query, like the book, needs to focus on Romeo and Juliet, not the Montagues and Capulets.

The 3rd Annual Evil Editor Charity Auction

Each year Evil Editor holds a charity auction in conjunction with the Brenda Novak Online Auction for Diabetes Research, which begins on May 1. Although I provide numerous items to the Brenda Novak auction, there are always a few that they decline or that I feel are inappropriate for them. Here's an advance look at items I'll be offering this year in the Evil Editor Auction.




Name a character in your book Evil Editor

Change the name of any character in your book, whether it be a murder mystery, a horror/slasher book, or a historical romance, to Evil Editor! (No lit-fic, please.)




An Evaluation of Your Book's Title

Evil Editor will run your book's title by his minions, who will explain that it doesn't make them want to pick up the book, has been used by too many other authors, or simply sucks--but that it doesn't matter because the publisher will change it anyway.



Wake Up With Jesus

Get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing Jesus will be in your bed when you wake up. Evil Editor will arrange for Jesus (or someone resembling Jesus) to be in your bed when you wake up.


Reminisce about Evil Editor over Lunch

You and one other person will meet for lunch at a restaurant of your choosing and have a lively conversation about Evil Editor. Share your impressions, brag about your contributions to the blog, enjoy a hearty meal.

Transportation, meal and gratuity are the responsibility of the winning bidders.


An Evaluation of Your Font

Used to be courier was the default. Then Times muscled in. Now anything readable goes, but you are the worst person to decide if a font you love is readable. And Evil Editor is the best.



Take Evil Jr. to Dinner

You get to grill Evil Jr. about EE while treating him to dinner at his favorite grille.

Evil Jr. guaranteed to show up, but not to be truthful.




ARC of the Covenant

An Advance Rapture Coffer for those who want a look at what awaits. Winning bidder opens at their own risk.




An Evaluation of Your First Word

by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor. EE has rejected more manuscripts after the 1st word than he can count. Among these first words were "Irregardless," "Eventually," "Bivouac," and "Archau'tnau." Don't risk a 1st-word rejection.

**NOTE: This is an evaluation of your work, not a complete line edit. Winning this read does not guarantee a sale.



The Filling of Two Plot Holes

The last thing your career needs is some snarky book reviewer saying your romance novel has plot holes the size of Hudson Bay. Evil Editor will fill in any two plot holes in one of your novels.

No novelizations of summer blockbuster movies, please.


Click label below for a look at previous years' auction items.

Writers United for a good cause

29 virtually close writer friends of Richard Levangie have donated works to an anthology that can be bought for any size donation.

Minions Stacey Chambers, Peter Dudley and Sarah Laurenson are among those included in the anthology that is raising money for a writer who had neurosurgery this past weekend. Some of the other authors may also be minions.

The details are here: http://writers4richard.blogspot.com/

Face-Lift 1014

Guess the Plot

I Wonder What the Title Is

1. Or as I was just saying about one of the junk cars in my yard, I Wonder Where the Title Is.

2. Shattered. The title is Shattered.

3. When Sandie MacMillian discovers she's a character in a novel, she vows to figure out the novel's title. That way she can borrow it from her local library, read it, and stay one step ahead of her pesky author.

4. When Jeff shot Renaldo outside Mark's apartment in Venice, Carlos knew it was time to date Melissa over at the bakery where she hid from sexual predators while having three-ways with strangely angelic men. Meanwhile werewolves are taking over the UK banking system while pay phones rampage through Mississippi, the President of Ecuador comes out as a lesbian gay vampire, and Chuck E Cheese is revealed to be Michael Jackson in disguise. Just another day for EE.

5. When a UFO piloted by Jerry Garcia accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, they wind up on a journey entangling their own lives on a quantum level with stories about populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates in a book Medusa is reading, leaving Ted wondering if he's the main character. He begins to profoundly question the very existence of the Author.

6. Recently released from Bellevue, librarian Priscilla Penghas secures an entry position in Plattsburgh, NY. While restocking shelves at night, she discovers a porcupine reading books in the stacks and laughing uproariously. If she tells anyone, it’s back to Bellevue. Her belonephobia prevents her from approaching the porcupine. But she is dying to know what books he reads.



Original Version

“I Wonder What the Title Is,” [is] the story of a man in search of a plot. [Better title: I Wonder Where the Plot Is.]

Ted finds himself unwillingly transported to a blissful Utopian paradise, where he meets a stunningly beautiful woman named Medusa. Naturally all he can think of is returning to the cup of coffee he left on the porch. But seeing as he is now in Utopia, how can he win his way back home? There are no wrongs for him to right, no noble deeds to perform in order to prove his mettle, and no quests to embark on to achieve soaring heights of self-discovery via triumph over colossal odds. [Is there a better explanation of why he wants out than "naturally"?]

He is badly in need of a story line.

Fortunately, when a UFO piloted by Jerry Garcia accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, they wind up on a journey entangling their own lives on a quantum level with stories in a “book” Medusa starts reading. Tales of populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates leave Ted wondering if he really is the main character after all. [Unless there are populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates on the UFO, I don't see why Ted would think he's the main character in the novel.] He begins to profoundly question the benevolence, nay, the very existence of the Author.

In the “novel,” Medusa reads about Camelia, who is sidetracked from an appointment she has made to become a vampire, when the ship she is visiting makes a hasty departure from the dock. The (ahem) honorable crew needed to make a swift exit in order to keep purloined chocolate below decks from the prying eyes of the port commissioner.

To pass time on their journey, Camelia picks up a book about zombies, and starts reading.

At this, Medusa gazes up from the page pleadingly, beseeching the Author not to yield to the worst of impulses by supplanting the narrative with yet another level of recursion.

But it is too late. The Author is long gone, and she succeeds merely in catching the eye of the reader, who no doubt is in agreement with her.

“I Wonder What the Title Is,” the first of the “Wonder” trilogy, is 55,000 words of fine literary meta-fiction. It’s a really cool because it has vampires, pirates, ninjas, zombies, aliens, and – Godzilla. There aren’t any helicopters or big explosions yet, [Are you suggesting the book isn't finished?] but I could add some.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Is it just a coincidence that this arrived in my in-box on April 1?

I wouldn't mention that this is part of a trilogy. It strikes me as the type of book that seems clever the first time around, but not once the novelty wears off.

Ted "finds himself transported"? I like to see reasons things happen. Was he kidnapped? Did he fall in a rabbit hole?

I'd get Jerry Garcia out of the query and the book.

The query is too wacky. Here's a shorter version that may succeed in maintaining the voice while making the book sound like it is readable:

Ten years after kayaking through a wormhole into a Utopian paradise where he met a stunningly beautiful woman named Medusa, Ted Troob wants out. Bliss is fine for a decade or so, but Ted longs for some good old-fashioned conflict. Besides, there's no Starbucks in this place.

When a UFO piloted by vampire pirates accidentally abducts Ted and Medusa, their lives tangle on a quantum level with the novel Medusa is reading. Scenes with populist vampires and vegetarian Buddhist pirates have Ted wondering if he's the main character. He begins to profoundly question the very existence of the Author.

In her novel, Medusa reads about Camelia, who is stranded aboard a ship she is visiting when it makes a hasty departure from the dock. The (ahem) honorable crew needed to make a swift exit to keep purloined chocolate below decks from the prying eyes of the port commissioner. To pass time on her unexpected voyage, Camelia picks up a book about zombies, and starts reading.

At this, Medusa gazes up from the page pleadingly, beseeching the Author not to yield to the worst of impulses by supplanting the narrative with yet another level of recursion.

Too late. The Author is long gone, and Medusa succeeds merely in catching the eye of the reader, who no doubt is in agreement with her.

In a mere 55,000 words, I Wonder What the Title Is has vampires, pirates, ninjas, zombies, aliens . . . and Godzilla! And that's just chapter 1!

Face-Lift 1013

Guess the Plot

A Shattered Light

1. Relieved of our world’s bureaucratic hell, the dying take comfort in the light at the end of the tunnel. But when Gabriel accidentally drops the spotlight, they are temporarily re-routed to another kind of hell.

2. Searching for her missing twin brother, Evie recalls that her missing father once told her stories about the fae folk. So she goes to their court, but her hopes are shattered when the king demands that she fight in a war. Also, a punk elf.

3. Perfect soccer mom Sallie enjoys baking, manicures, and the occasional salon tan. But when a faulty UV bulb causes her to miss her daughter’s graduation ceremony, a nationwide manhunt begins for a mysterious salon-terrorizing villain known as Two-tone.

4. The light bulb in the fire station has been on non-stop since the 1970’s and the ghost of the station’s first chief just wants some darkness. Will the bulb-watching website become the world's most famous proof of ghosts?

5. Lee Wilford is a hypochondriac who fears nothing more than UV rays. When his girlfriend June accidentally breaks a fluorescent light bulb, sending mercury vapor into the air, Lee goes on a rampage that threatens to destroy not only June, but the planet as well.

6. When a young sun god gives the science of optics (and alchemy) to the Irish, he's caught between the druids and the leprechauns. Also, a guest appearance by Piltzintecuhtli.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Evie's twin brother disappears it's a nightmare, especially since it mimics the disappearance of their father twelve years earlier. Now Evie will do anything to make sure that her brother returns home, even if that means revisiting the stories told to her by the father she swore never to forgive. [If I disappear, I want Evil Jr. going to the police or at least a psychic, not revisiting Jack and the Beanstalk and The Little Engine that Could.] [You imply that revisiting her father's stories means forgiving him. I don't see the connection.] [I don't like "it's a nightmare." Perhaps "she's distraught" is better.]

Her father's stories lead her to the court of the fae folk. [I guess it's a good thing her dad didn't tell her stories about orcs or Atlantis. Did he suggest that his stories were other than just stories? Like nonfiction?] The place is a paradise, but there's a trade-off. Humans can live in the court, but in return they're expected to fight. War is brewing with seifers, the enemies of the fae, and humans alone have the power to control captured seifers, pitting them against their own people. [You're not gonna like this but I have to say it: the book would be far more entertaining if it involved war against heifers.]

Evie doesn't want to fight and she definitely doesn't want to stay. She just wants to find her brother and get them both home. Yet her policy to remain uninvolved gets seriously complicated when she meets her seifer, Darrien. [She has her own personal seifer?] [Why is she meeting her seifer if she has a policy to remain uninvolved?] [This is the point where it's better to go with heifers. The fae capture heifers, but they can't control them; only humans can, so each human has to control her personal heifer while also fighting in the war. The good part is that it's harder for the enemy to kill you if you have a bovine shield. Also, if you get stranded behind enemy lines, your heifer can provide you with milk. And if you're desperate, short ribs.] He isn't the monster that the fae have made him out to be, and before long she can't deny her growing attraction for him. [If you decide to go with heifers, you'll need to change the pronouns in that sentence to feminine.] [You won't need to change Evie to a boy, however, as it's just as likely for a girl to be attracted to a cow as a boy.]

As Evie delves deeper into the realm [What does that mean? What, specifically, is she doing?] she finds herself growing more and more suspicious about the fae, and their king. She's sure he's hiding something about her brother and she doesn't trust the way he's readying humans to fight his war. Then Evie learns that twelve years ago her father was part of a plan to dethrone the fae king. And suddenly she has to decide what exactly is worth fighting for. [Vague. What she has to decide is which side to fight on.]

A SHATTERED LIGHT is my YA fantasy novel and it is complete at 85,000 words. It features a colorful cast of characters including Talli, a punk elf, and Solstice, an ethereally beautiful girl who dresses Goth. [Characters who weren't worth mentioning in the plot summary aren't worth mentioning in the wrap-up.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If I were at war with an enemy I could capture, but couldn't control after I'd captured them, I think I'd just kill them rather than hire humans to control them.

I feel like there's a missing link between "My brother has disappeared" and "My father, twelve years ago, told me stories about the legendary fae folk" that convinces Evie to seek out the fae court. Is this a world in which everyone knows the fae are real?

Is this set in modern times? How old is Evie?

Evie's goal is to find her brother. If she gets wind that her brother and/or father are alive, you might work that in somewhere. That she suspects the king is hiding something isn't enough for me.

Success Story

Chelsea Pitcher reports . . .

My novel "The S-Word" sold to Gallery Books thanks to the help of you and minions!!!! I can't even articulate how thankful I am for all the the help I've received from your site, but suffice it to say, I will never forget it!!! "The S-Word" was featured on your site as Face-Lift 855 and New Beginning 824. It comes out in 2013.

Thank you again!!!!

New Beginning 937

The sun outside gradually climbed high enough to burn as I sat at the dirty counter with an iced coffee. Next to me, with an unlabeled bottle and a rarely empty shot-glass, Roan told me all about the oyster beds. My attention wandered as he explained the difference between pearl oysters and his oysters, true oysters; the breeding cycle; the difference between a good oyster and a mediocre oyster; how to shuck an oyster and all the different ways to eat one. He told me everything I didn’t want to hear about oysters, pausing only to drain and refill the shot-glass in front of him. I only wanted to hear two things, though. I wanted to know how much the job paid, and I wanted to hear the story of how he lost his hand.

“I pay by the bushel,” he told me, and he wrote a number on a torn-off piece of newspaper and showed it to me, shielding it from the barman. It was enough. “And maybe if you work hard enough, I’ll tell you the rest. Too many boys like you come to hear the stories and have no intention to work. There’s no money in telling stories.” He drained the last of the bottle into his glass. “So what do you say?”

I stared at his glass. "What's the catch?"

Roan laughed. "There's no catch. You work hard, I pay you well. You don't like the number I showed you, find another job. But it's a small island."

He shook his head and stood up. There was loud "thud" and Roan doubled up in pain. Tears streamed from his eyes. "Damn it! Okay, there is one catch," he said, between gasps. "Don't eat only oysters." He sat down again. "I've had this God-damned boner for fifteen years."


Opening: anon......Continuation: anon.

Face-Lift 1012

Guess the Plot

Life Changes

1. First Penny's boyfriend vanishes, then she starts imagining sexual predators around every corner and has a nervous breakdown and now her nosy therapist is asking way too many questions. Life was so much easier in junior high.

2. Jim's wife took off with his best friend's brother; his kids are all staying with his former mother-in-law, who redefines the word "witch"; his Dad has Alzheimer's and now Corporate is announcing layoffs. That update to the old board game "Life" he was assigned? Yeah, you bet it's getting updated.

3. Ah, the pathetic life of Lester Lorins. Birth, teething, toilet. Crawling, walking, talking. Stupid haircuts, clarinet practice, 6th grade 'graduation'. Football tryouts, SATs, Senior Prom. First job, first marriage, first kid. Lather, rinse, repeat. Wait! He can do it over? Gimme that book!

4. Menopause, divorce and empty nest syndrome are the least of the problems facing three fifty-something women on a road trip to a reunion of the Milltown High class of '76. Equipped with back issues of Oprah magazine as inspiration, they’re out to vanquish an evil prom queen and the cheerleaders who once made their lives hell.

5. Wall Street mover and shaker Jeff Ricksby recounts the tragic challenges and events which led to his ultimate calling: chieftain of a tribe of Himalayan chimpanzees. Guest prologue by Bubbles.

6. Bored billionaire Hugh Morrow makes a deal with a magical being to swap his life with two lesser lives of equal value. He then inhabits the bodies of Ken and Ada Vlasblom, a troubled married couple who must now work out their differences while sharing Hugh's body.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Penilia Rutherford's life changes abruptly when her boyfriend gets harassed by a stranger at their school's hockey game and then disappears a couple of hours later.

The police dismiss the case as Brent just taking a break from his demanding sports schedule until Penny picks the stranger's face out of an index of prostitution ring members. [Tips for criminals #236: If you're gonna kidnap or kill someone, never choose someone you were harassing a couple hours ago in front of an arena full of witnesses.] [Tips for criminals #237: If you're kidnapping someone for your prostitution ring, the girl named Penilia will be easier to control than the athlete named Brent. Especially if the athlete plays hockey. Hockey players are taught to beat the crap out of people before they're taught to skate.]

With the nationwide search in full motion, her parents expect Penny to move on with her life. [Her parents are idiots. Etiquette demands that you wait until the next nationwide search for a missing person is in full motion before you move on with your life.] But that is easier said than done when Penny suspects [imagines] sexual predators behind every corner. [Shouldn't that be "around" every corner? Google is familiar with behind, but Google is familiar with everything. And they're more familiar with around. I'm familiar with "behind the eight ball," or "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," or Behind the Green Door. If you're in a room, what's behind the corner would be a stud, but the wooden kind, not the sexual predator kind.]

After a nervous breakdown, Penny finds herself in the office of nosy therapist Dr. Tannen, [She "finds herself" there makes it sound like she has no idea how she got there. Was Tannen expecting her?] who seems way too interested in Brent's disappearance... [What are you suggesting? Brent's disappearance was the catalyst for Penny's breakdown. What is Tannen supposed to be interested in?] [Wait, does Penny suspect that Tannen is head of the prostitution ring because Tannen's acting interested in the topic that brought Penny there in the first place?]

Life Changes is an 80,000 word YA drama.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I'm guessing Brent "disappeared" to get away from Penny's paranoia.

I assume the main plot is Penny's mental breakdown, not the search for Brent. If Brent is alive, his "life changes" seem more extreme than those of Penny.

This is the skeleton of a plot summary. Combine the first two paragraphs into one. That's the setup. If the main plot is Penny's mental state, add two paragraphs that focus on what's really going on and what she thinks is going on. No need to keep secrets. And these paragraphs should be more than one sentence each. Build on ideas, elaborate with cause and effect; we want specific information. If the main plot is the rescue of Brent, dump Tannen and add two paragraphs that focus on the obstacles and the plan and its execution.

New Beginning 936

"We are gathered here today to view the last will and testament Pieter Uitgeverij, beloved captain of the Nishimi Maru." Clint Slee intoned the words like a demented Colin Clive proeclaiming his newly created homunculus, his imitation of life lived. Slee waved his hands and made imaginary flashes and noises of lightning and thunder.

Their rented helicopter lifted off the dock at the Port of Prince Rupert and Schuyler Klock buzz-killed Slee's happy-who-hah idiocy.

"If that's the way you behaved in the law firm, no wonder you got fired. Just cut through the horseshit and tell me, how big an estate did Uncle Pieter leave me?" Schuyler said. Slee's smile plunged faster than a ball of blue snow from the back end of an Airbus at 30,000 feet.

"Bitch! Having been through his legal papers, I can definitively tell you that your Uncle's vast estate consists of the Nishimi Maru and that ugly-assed khaki green duffle bag he always carried. It's not my fault your Uncle tried to ride out the Tsunami," Slee said as he folded his arms over his chest and turned away from Schuyler. They flew over Prince Rupert Airport and the Haida Gwaii archipelago towards the Pacific Ocean.

* * *

Meanwhile, Duffy sat expectantly by the door bulging, his zipper frowning like a Pagliaccian clown watching Les Miserables. Full of all the things needed for an island holiday, he had waited for his owner, the ever-adventurous Pieter, to return and take him to the sun.

"Fucking cock-balls!" Duffy exclaimed, for he had started his career in the army and never lost its fruity vernacular.

The cock-balls separated and shrugged. "We prefer to call it making love," said one.

"This story isn't really going anywhere, is it?" the other suggested.

And on that, they could all agree.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.

The Perfect Query?

People often comment that the queries I post are eminently mockable. How about showing us samples, they write, of queries you've received that were flawless, immaculate, impeccable. That way we'll have a template for perfection.

Ask and ye shall receive. The three queries below weren't submitted to this blog; they appeared in my slush pile. I requested the manuscripts, and the books were published, though not necessarily under the authors' titles.


1.

Evil Editor:

When Minnie Murphy arranges her vacation in England, she has no idea she'll fall head over heels in love with Sir Falderall, an actual British knight. But fall she does, and the wedding is set for the coming Saturday, on the grounds of Hoohah Castle. What Minnie doesn't know is that Saturday is also the day of the Cup finals, the biggest football match in Britain.

As Minnie is about to walk down the aisle, she spots a horde of hooligans heading toward the wedding party, drunk and spoiling for a fight. Apparently their team lost. Or won; it doesn't seem to matter to Brits. No way is Minnie going to let these rowdies ruin her big day. She opens a conveniently located corral of horses, hops on the nearest one, and drives a stampede right at the interlopers. From that day forth she's known as Minnie Driver.

By the time the orchestra strikes up the wedding march, the hooligans have been trampled to death and Minnie is back in her place in the procession, none the worse for wear, except for the horsehair all over her gown. But where's Sir Falderall? Seems Minnie's beau disappeared at the first sign of trouble, and hasn't been seen since.

Horses of Hoohah is the first book in my series featuring Minnie Murphy, a heroine who always gets her man, but never quite gets him to the altar.

Thank you for making it to the end of my query.


2.

Dear Evil Editor:

When Hope, her pet banana slug, goes missing, Suze Hanford is despondent, not only because she loves the cute little bugger, but because Hope has helped parlay Suze's lemonade stand profits into a three-million-dollar nest egg. Hope uses her slime trail to spell out stock tips, and so far the little detritivore is batting a thousand. Without Hope, Suze knows she'll squander her fortune and end up working for a living when she grows up, possibly as a prostitute.

Day-trader Snidely Turkovich, Suze's next-door neighbor has been as successful as a three-legged greyhound lately, and if he doesn't start picking winners, he'll lose his house. Snidely is the obvious suspect; with Hope in his corner, his luck would surely change. But when Suze catches the slimeball with Hope, he claims it's not Hope, but Warren, his own banana slug stock forecaster.

Suze calls in a favor from the CSI squad, who discover that every banana slug has a slime trail as unique as a fingerprint. They compare Snidely's slug's slime with a slime trail in Hope's terrarium. A perfect match. Hope and Suze are joyfully reunited, and the now-hopeless Snidely is ruined.

Trail of Hope is a 95,000-word commercial novel that should appeal to those who enjoyed Mollusk Fever and I, Gastropod. Thank you.


3.

Dear Editor:

The turning point in Graham Chansky's life was the day he brought a live cow to school for show-and-tell and slaughtered it in front of his third-grade science class. Sure, the cow's screams, which could be heard over the roar of the chain saw, were disturbing, and the blood was flowing like a river, and no doubt Mrs. MacReady wasn't happy with Graham, but at least for once Steffie Carruthers noticed him.

Graham has been content to remain a shy kid, always sitting in the back, never raising his hand, but when Steffie moves to Wormdale, Graham vows his life will change. In fourth grade he comes to school drunk out of his mind every day. In sixth grade he murders the principal. In tenth grade he instigates a war between Mexico and Guatemala. All to win the heart of the beautiful Steffie Carruthers.

In his waning years, haunted by dreams of Principal Breeen, an innocent cow, and two million dead Guatemalans, Graham looks back on his life. Sure, he's had a perfect marriage to Steffie, but at what cost? Was it all worth it? He decides that it was.

Bad Things Haunt Good Men is a 90,000-word semi-autobiographical memoir of a man who would do anything for love, including that. Interestingly, I he would also do anything to get this published. May I send you the manuscript?

Face-Lift 1011

Guess the Plot

Sideslip

1. A detailed description, along with precise illustrations, of lovers who are bored with doing it in the other two positions.

2. Hired to impersonate a Nobel Prize laureate during public appearances, Mimi finds said laureate dead and the evidence pointing at her. She runs away to Greece with the hit man who actually did the killing. Although she doesn't know it's him.

3. Dr. Robert Norvich has created the first working time machine, a device that enters a slightly parallel dimension and exits it moments later, back in this world. When his assistants accidentally send a coffee cup back in time, it ends up knocking out John Wilkes Booth. Now our whole world is in chaos as things vanish and reappear. That's the end of that grant money.

4. A temporal rift experiment accidentally goes wrong and causes five scientists to warp out of existence. When they re-appear with politicians in tow, the Tea Party homeworld is revealed.

5. Physicist Lars Kadonneet invents equipment that allows him to traverse time and space. As Lars returns from the past, where he introduced Einstein to LSD, his machine malfunctions; it’s now 1966 and he is three inches tall and locked in a padded cell with a psychopath.

6. A time traveler materializes and informs teenager Sophie that witches' spells are backfiring ever since her grandmother died. Naturally this threatens to destroy the fabric of time, and only Sophie can prevent what may be the end of the universe.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Army brat Sophie Moore is still reeling from her family’s sudden move to Georgia, the loss of her grandmother, [There's always something you can't find after a move.] and her father’ [father's] deployment to Afghanistan. [If you're sending a soldier to Afghanistan, I see no reason his family would need to move to Georgia. Then again, I see no reason for a lot of things the military does.] [Wait, is it the country Georgia? Now that would make sense, a much shorter trip for dad to visit family.] When a strange boy appears in the woods near her house, she fears stress-induced hallucinations. Each time she sees him, the boy vanishes before she can get a straight answer about who he is and why he’s here. Is she seeing ghosts? Demons? Or is she going bonkers? [Not entirely clear whether he's vanishing as in running into the woods, or literally disappearing before her eyes.]

This story is about a usually self-assured teenage girl thrust into a new environment. Sophie is an expert at fitting in – she has always moved every year or two, [It feels like you've started the query over.] but adjusting to life in Beaumont is harder than it should be. As she struggles to cope with her father’s absence, she grows determined [she determines.] to discover how Ren, a boy her age who repeatedly materializes in the forest, comes and goes. At the same time, Ren takes an unusual interest in her family, [I was under the impression Ren was vanishing before Sophie could even talk to him. Are they having conversations and interacting?] especially Sophie’s grandmother who has recently passed away. Slowly Sophie becomes convinced that her grandmother’s childhood friend Agnes, who ran away from Beaumont when they were teens, is somehow linked to Ren. As she sorts through old letters and memories for clues, she realizes that Ren’s tattoo bears a striking resemblance to her grandmother’s treasured silver necklace.

As she delves deeper into the mystery and Ren reveals more, Sophie discovers that Ren is not a monster or the product of an over-active imagination; he is a bumbling time-traveler. The death of Sophie’s grandmother has released a precious artifact that, without a knowledgeable witch to control it, is interfering with all manner of spells in the area. With no training, Sophie is forced to seek the unlikeliest of help to master the artifact before it brings unwanted attention from some very unpleasant individuals.

I am a recovering Army brat and an unpublished author currently living outside Atlanta, Georgia. [That sentence wasn't needed.] I am seeking representation for my YA paranormal suspense novel, Sideslip, complete at 75,000 words. Partial or full manuscript is available upon request, and feedback is most appreciated.

Thank you for your time and attention,


Notes

When Sophie wonders if she's seeing ghosts or demons or going bonkers, I naturally assume the answer is No, and there will be a logical explanation for her "hallucinations." So it feels off when it turns out time travel and witches casting spells are part of the real world. It may take Sophie three fourths of the book to discover that supernatural stuff is real, but I shouldn't have to wait through three fourths of the query to discover this. It forces me to readjust my view of what kind of book it is.

The first two paragraphs are all setup. And the second paragraph repeats most of what's in the first. Combine what's important in them into one paragraph. I think we can do without the father. Something like this is plenty of setup:

Exploring the woods near her family's new home in Georgia, teenager Sophie Moore keeps seeing a boy her age materializing and vanishing. When she notices that the boy's tattoo bears a striking resemblance to her late grandmother’s treasured silver necklace, Sophie suspects that the boy is somehow linked to her grandmother.


Now you can move forward with (I'm guessing): When the boy finally sticks around long enough for Sophie to talk to him, she learns his name is Ren and he's a time traveler. Turns out the death of Sophie's grandmother has etc. etc. Try to come up with something less vague than "released an artifact," "all manner of spells," "the unlikeliest of help," "very unpleasant individuals." What exactly is happening as a result of the artifact interfering with spells? Who helps? Who are the villains and what do they want?

Do Ren and Sophie work together to prevent some disaster? Spell out what's at stake and what they plan to do about it.

Was Ren sent to the past to deal with this problem? Why would they send a bumbling teenager on such an important mission?

Film Noir Friday

Another film from back in the days when being a dick was just a way to make a living.

Face-Lift 1010

Guess the Plot

The Hot Season

1. When a slight shift in the Earth's axis leaves the UK closer to the sun, the race is on for a new SPF formula. Can British scientist Tony Edwards save his countrymen or is this the end of paleness as we know it?

2. Every season is the hot season in Thailand. Especially when your visiting cousin is found dead and the police don't care and you get involved with a ring of human traffickers in Cambodia. Hey, every season is the hot season in Cambodia.

3. Marine Biologist Sam Whittaker has had enough of single living. He joins Brazilhotties.com and flies Bruna over, but her Latin temper threatens the ice cap when she learns Antarctica is not America.

4. For Alaska native Will Parker, the worst thing about returning to Earth from the International Space Station is that it's August and he now lives in Houston, which is one step up from the Sahara Desert. So you can imagine how he feels when a booster rocket malfunctions, throwing the shuttle way off course and forcing Parker to crash-land on Mercury.

5. After growing up in Antarctica with her scientist parents, Alberta-Marie is ready for warmer weather. A move to tropical Ecuador means she will finally buy a swim suit. But in the hottest summer in 20 years surrounded by even hotter men, which heat will she succumb to first?

6. CeeBee knew the job at Disneyland was going to be tough. Screaming kids, crying parents, meltdowns, high humidity, and pure misery at the Happiest Place on Earth. She just didn't expect to find them all at the toll booth for the parking lot. Now it's August, and if she hears one more whining kid, that .38 is coming out.



Original Version

Dear ….,

I'm writing to ask if you would accept a submission for The Hot Season, a mystery novel of 83,000 words. It's the story of an American journalist in Thailand who confronts ancient superstitions and modern day crime, as she searches for the truth behind her cousin’s death.

I’m currently based in Bangkok, and before devoting myself to writing I spent over fifteen years as a journalist with organizations such as NPR and the BBC. I’m also a published author in Australia. My first book, XXX (XX, 20XX), [For those who've forgotten their Roman numerals, allow me to translate: 30 (20, 2020).] is a narrative non-fiction account of my experiences living in Baghdad under Saddam Hussein. It was shortlisted for the XXX Literary Awards.

[I Googled XXX Awards and it took me six hours to pry myself away and back to this blog. Fascinating stuff.]

In The Hot Season, Sam Beckman, [Hang on a minute, switching my mouse to my left hand as my right is inexplicably inflamed.] [Okay, ready.] a foreign correspondent for a US radio network, is visited by a teenage cousin who’s backpacking through Thailand. She’s delighted [Readers may assume "she" is the cousin, as the cousin is the most recently mentioned character.] at the chance to mend some of her frayed family ties, but within days her cousin is found dead on the banks of Bangkok’s Chao Phraya River.

Worried about damage to the lucrative tourism industry, Thai police write the death off as a drug overdose. [Tourism isn't aided by the knowledge that the corpses of drug ODs are occasionally found on the river bank. Unless you're trying to attract drug addict tourists, wouldn't it be better to write it off as a boating accident?] When Sam suspects foul play, she’s warned to stop meddling. But keeping quiet and playing dumb are not in her nature. [Playing dumb is generally considered a smart strategy.] She’s quickly drawn into a web of human trafficking stretching from Bangkok’s urban jungle to the killing fields of Cambodia and beyond. [The more successful human traffickers wouldn't kill one of their humans the same day they abduct her.]

Sam’s search is helped and hindered by three men – a Thai policeman trying to balance loyalty to the force with his desire to find the truth, a charming but roguish British journalist addicted to life in the fast lane, and Sugar, her driver, who, like most Thais, sees a supernatural explanation behind everything. [Thai food will give anyone hallucinations. Travel tip: Don't order Neua Pad Prik in Phuket.]

A good dose of humor and a sassy heroine counterbalance the serious issues in The Hot Season. I hope this novel will be the first in a series of mysteries set in locations where I’ve lived and worked including Iraq, Sri Lanka, Australia and New York.

If you would like to read more of my work or have any other questions, please email me at XXXXXXX. You can also call me in Thailand on XXXXXX [(Monday)]. [On XXXXXXX I'll be in Somalia. Then XXXXXXXXX I'm off to North Korea for a well-deserved vacation.] I look forward very much to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

This might be better described as a thriller. I usually expect a mystery to have several suspects. As the cousin didn't know anyone, Sam is basically trying to get to the bottom of what happened, not whodunnit.

The plot summary is three paragraphs. The other stuff is four paragraphs. Cut those four down to two. One way to do this is to open with:

The Hot Season is a stand-alone mystery novel of 83,000 words, and the first in a series of mysteries set in locations where I’ve lived and worked, including Iraq, Sri Lanka, Australia and New York.

Then: Sam Beckman, a foreign correspondent for a US radio network . . . Run through the plot, and finish with:

I've spent over fifteen years as a journalist with organizations such as NPR and the BBC. My first book, ______________, a narrative non-fiction account of my experiences living in Baghdad under Saddam Hussein, was shortlisted for the XXX Literary Awards. If you would like to consider The Hot Season, please email me at XXXXXXX.

New Beginning 935

John Chandler was in the stables, measuring the oats for the night. The background noise of the horses impatiently banging their hooves against the doors was a welcome distraction to the annoying buzz of the flies.

John wiped the sweat off his face with the back of his hand. Hottest May in years, and no end in sight.

“Move it, buddy.” He poked the grey stable cat to get it out of the wheelbarrow. It barely flicked its ears, too lazy to make a move in the heat. Grinning, John shoved it aside and set the oat buckets in its place.

He heard the squashing noise of wet shoes long before their occupant, his son, reached the doorway and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Hello Luke.” John sized his wet and muddy child up with a glance. “What happened to you? Been swimming in your clothes again?”

Luke’s head came up at that, his mouth twisted into an ugly scowl. Blood dripped from his nose and there was an angry scratch on his cheek.

“Great.” John dropped the measuring cup into the oats chest and took a closer look at his son’s face. “That hurt?” he asked, while gently pressing down on the bridge of Luke’s nose.

Luke twisted in his grip, trying to get away. “I’m fine.”

The boy wriggled out of his father's grasp. "I was doing my chores," he said, "when the cat came flying out of the barn, mad as hell, and darn near took my face off."

John concentrated his gaze on the oats. "That so," he replied. "Well, set yourself down there while I finish this, then we'll go get you cleaned up."

Luke crouched down against a barn support, while his father grabbed the barrow.

Two full buckets toppled over, rolled along the sloped barrow rim and launched themselves into Luke's face.

"Ow! Jesus, Pa!"

"Sorry 'bout that, son. Still, I told you working the stable'd make a man of you. First a face full of pussy, and now you got your wild oats."


Opening: Anon......Continuation: anon.

Milestone

The two millionth visitor to the Evil Editor blog arrived at approximately 2:40 PM eastern time today. That makes the winner of the Predict When Evil Editor's Two Millionth Visitor Will Arrive Contest PLaF, who predicted 1:11 AM, missing by more than 13.5 hours, but coming closer than anyone else. PLaF receives all six Evil Editor books, as well as the cartoon DVD and coffee mug. Other prize winners:

......Entrant.......Prediction.......Off by about
2. AM Lyvers..........3/26, 6:45 PM.........20 hours
3. Maureen.............3/26, 3 PM...............24 hours
4. 150..................... 3/26, 9:50 AM.........29 hours
5. Mister Furkles....3/25, 7:39 PM..........43 hours

Winners: contact me to discuss your prize and to provide a mailing address.

Face-Lift 1009

Guess the Plot

Bound

1. When police sgt. Jim Mallory's therapist suggests he try BDSM to work on his trust issues, he agrees. Now there's a dead man in a gimp suit, another tied up with six bullets in him, and the Master is nowhere to be found. Looks like Jim is gonna need that therapist some more.

2. 1864. Frederick Douglas, President of the Grand Alliance of the Negro States of America, has ordered the enslavement of all white people. Terrified, people begin the long, dangerous journey to Canada. Can Louisa and her brothers make it to safety?

3. Wanda Wallaby dreams of competing in the Marsupial Olympics. Standing in her way is champion hurdler Kate Kangaroo. With help from her zany friends Eric Emu and Nelly Numbat, Wanda proves it ‘aint size that matters, it’s how far you can . . . Bound.

4. Bound together by chains, high school students Emma and Daniel are hurled back to a time without modern conveniences and can return only if they save a young woman from being murdered by her fiance.

5. Librarian Priscilla Lezer loves books too much. Her only family: biographies; her only dates: romances. When the county cuts spending, she’s laid off. Going home she buys a book: Demon’s Wish. She opens it and a demon grants her one wish. She wishes to return to the library. Priscilla awakens as a leather-bound book in the stacks.

6. As Josh Booth camps in the north woods, vampires capture him, binding him to a tree. He escapes and warns authorities but Detective Abby Lincoln says he’s crazy. When bodies--drained of blood--are found bound to other trees in the woods, Lincoln thinks Booth is the serial killer.



Original Version

Dear EvilEditor:

High school senior, Emma Harris, [Get rid of those commas.] is going crazy—at least, that’s what she thinks. Seeing a ghost that looks like a long-lost twin isn’t in her definition of “normal”. [Not clear whether she actually has a long-lost twin. If not, don't say "twin," just say she looks like Emma; if so, say "her" long-lost twin.] Already dealing with her stalker specter, Emma has to cope with the unwelcome (and dangerously welcome) [That's not working.] attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt. She knows she should stay away like a good girlfriend, [Girlfriend of whom?] but is it really her fault when they keep bumping into each other? It has to be fate, right? [It feels like you've dropped the ghost thread in favor of the Daniel thread.]

Emma is about to learn that she and Daniel are bound together by chains much stronger—and harder to break— then [than] fate’s.

On the night of a high school dance, the ghost appears to Emma again. [On the one hand, you report in paragraph 1 that Emma sees a ghost, and now you report that she sees the ghost again. That makes me think she's seen the ghost twice. On the other hand, you call the ghost her stalker. How often is she seeing the ghost?] But, this time, [Get rid of those commas.] everything is different. Blood stains her dress like spilled ink, and she is scared. Very, very scared. [Wasted sentence.] Overcome with a compulsion so great, [No comma.] she has to fight for breath; [Change semicolon to comma.] Emma chases the bleeding ghost to the local cemetery. The very place where she first saw the specter. [The ghost and the specter are the same, right?]

There, she runs into Daniel, visiting his parents’ grave. [Both parents are in one grave?] The compulsion hits Emma again, just as the ghost appears. Desperate to be free of the compulsion, Emma reaches out and takes the ghost’s proffered hand. The last thing she hears is Daniel’s cry and his arms wrapping around her waist. Then, [No comma.] everything goes white.

Emma wakes up in an entirely different time and in an entirely different body. The ghost who had been stalking her is no longer a spirit, but a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. [Not clear if you mean Emma is in Lucinda's body or some other girl's body.] [If it is Lucinda's body, I wouldn't call it an "entirely" different body; you did say they looked like twins.]

But Emma wasn’t the only one hurled back in time, Daniel was too. [Is he in a different body too? Wait, are they both in Lucinda's body?] They both realize that the only hope they have of getting home is bringing Lucinda and her forbidden lover together. [Not clear how they realize this, or how they know anything about Lucinda.] But Lucinda is already engaged. Engaged to the very man who may have been her killer.

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor, a lack of modern day conveniences, [If everyone else in this time is surviving without TV remote controls, I don't see why we should sympathize with Emma on that count.] and a forbidden romance of her own...she may be stuck in the past forever. [Not clear how the inability to overcome a lack of conveniences and her own forbidden lover will affect whether she's stuck in the past forever.]

Complete at 69,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


Notes

I find it odd that Daniel would be in a cemetery at night.

This was too long and disorganized. This version has more clarity:

Dear Evil Editor:

High school senior Emma Harris has somehow attracted the attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt. She knows she should stay away, but is it her fault they keep bumping into each other? It has to be fate, right? Emma is about to learn that she and Daniel are bound together by chains much stronger than fate’s.

On the night of a high school dance, a ghost appears to Emma, blood staining her dress like spilled ink. Emma follows the ghost to the local cemetery where she runs into Daniel, visiting his parents’ graves. When Emma takes the ghost’s proffered hand, Daniel tries to pull her away. And everything goes white.

Emma and Daniel find themselves in a different time and place. The ghost is no longer a spirit, but a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton. Emma and Daniel realize that their only hope of getting home is bringing Lucinda and her forbidden lover together. But Lucinda is already engaged--to the very man who may have been her killer.

Complete at 69,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


You might want to go further, and combine the first two paragraphs of my version into>

On the night of the senior prom, a ghost appears to Emma Harris, blood staining her dress like spilled ink. Emma follows the ghost to the local cemetery where her crush, Daniel Wyatt, just happens to be visiting his parents’ graves. When Emma takes the ghost’s proffered hand, Daniel tries to pull her away. And everything goes white.

That shortens the setup to one paragraph, allowing more room to tell us what happens in Lucinda's time. Do Emma and Daniel speak to Lucinda? If Emma is in Lucinda, does Lucinda have any consciousness? Do they know how to get home once they've united Lucinda and her true love? Is someone trying to prevent them from getting home?

What are Emma and Daniel supposed to do? Two people no one's ever seen before show up in town and no one's gonna object when they start butting into other people's business?

The title is too generic.

The story of the ghost of a murdered person who wants closure is pretty common. I think it happens once or twice a year on Supernatural. Usually the person was murdered recently and just wants the killer punished. If Emma and Daniel go back in time and prevent the murder, won't that alter history? Lucinda could hook up with her true love and they have a child who turns out to be a serial killer who murders Emma's great great great great grandparents.


It appears the following revised version was sent before (but received after) I posted the critique. Presumably it's the version the author would like feedback on.


Dear Evil Editor:

If you'd be so wonderful as to accept this edited query of mine, it'd be fantastic. Here it is:

Emma Harris knows ghosts don’t exist, but that doesn’t explain why she’s seeing one. One that looks like she could be Emma’s twin. To complicate matters, Emma has to cope with the equally undesirable attention of the town bad-boy, Daniel Wyatt.

On the night of the school dance, the ghost hurls Emma and Daniel back in time to 19th Century America, where the spirit is a flesh and blood girl: Lucinda Sutton.

After catching Lucinda kissing the stable hand, Emma and Daniel realize the ghost took them back in time for one reason: to help Lucinda and her lover get married. But there’s a catch. Lucinda is engaged to another man. The very man who may have been her killer.

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor, a lack of modern day conveniences, and a forbidden romance of her own... She may be stuck in the past forever.

Complete at 6
9,000 words, BOUND is a paranormal young-adult novel.


This clears up many of my questions, and reads more clearly. Possibly some of my original comments will still apply.--EE

Face-Lift 1008

Guess the Plot

The Final Clue

1. At last it is revealed: Colonel Mustard did it on the billiard table with Miss Scarlett.

2. First it was just Mr. Boddy. But now Mrs. White's disappeared, Professor Plum's got a nasty lump on his head, and Mrs. Peacock's been reduced to a quivering lump of terror. This is no game.

3. Nancy Drew has solved over 5,000 cases in her life. At age 79 she’s been retired for a decade, but when she receives a mysterious letter she’s on the case again. If the letter is real she may finally one-up her nemeses’, the Hardy Boys.

4. In the final showdown, it's Bugs Meany vs. Encyclopedia Brown, and this time Sally isn't there to save the random-fact-spouter's bacon.

5. Someone is leaving death-threat poems on Gina's front door. Is it the serial killer known as . . . "The Rhymester"? Maybe, but Gina hasn't rejected the possibility she has a secret admirer.

6. What really happened to Bob's pet chicken? Well, the bloody hatchet in the dishwasher is the first thing that got Bob to thinking. But the discovery of his wife's shopping list, which included eleven herbs and spices, is what gave him . . . the final clue.

7. Jeremy and Rachel are this close to winning the house of their dreams from magazine "Cedar Rapids Today". They've solved all the puzzles, met all the requirements, and jumped through all the hoops. Now all they need is . . . The Final Clue.

8. Jim is convinced he's cracked a code hidden in the Old Testament for centuries, namely that the saga of Abraham isn't really about him, but is instead the story of Akhenaten, the Egyptian pharaoh who tried to install monotheism. Now Mossad, al Qaeda and the Vatican are after him.

9. Detective Clavoue knows cases remain unsolved until the final clue is found. So he ignores all the early clues in a desperate search for the final one. Will the "Clavoue Method" revolutionize criminology?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

FBI agent Gina Russo: A tenacious investigator, but a woman so scorned, she swore off men.

A career criminal presumed dead, devastated over his brother’s life incarceration: Ignites revenge.

[An aspiring author: submits query letters that don't have actual sentences/ Overconfident; invites rejection.]

An egotistical agent assigned to assist Gina, wonders what the hell he ever did that karma would bite him in the ass: Frustrated; dealing with her is more than he ever signed on for.

[An editor so evil he'd rather watch TV than read oddly punctuated fragments and run-ons: New shredder needs breaking in; works fine, just in time for Mad Men.]

She’s fueled like never before when she’s challenged to solve clues [Technically, you solve puzzles, mysteries, crimes; clues are what you gather in order to do the solving.] in the bizarre poems arriving at her front door. It’s imperative that she learns the man’s identity [What man? The career criminal? The poet? Are the poems signed? If not, how does she know it's a man?] to bring his ass down [When I write poetry to a woman, I'm generally hoping for a different reaction out of her than trying to bring my ass down.] for not only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey Zicara, the agent assigned as her partner, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone. [There are plenty of women who wouldn't mind Joey Zicara entering their . . . comfort zone.]

Gina and Joey scramble to unravel the mystery of the rhymester’s twisted vendetta against her, before time runs out. [Are you calling him a rhymester instead of a poet because you think his poems have no literary value? If so, do you feel they have no literary value because they rhyme? Because they include death threats? What makes you an authority on poetry? Here's a little test. One of the following death threat poems has the potential to become a literary classic. Which one?

1.
Death. It cometh to us all,
Bringing grief and sorrow.
And yours will surely cast a pall,
For it's happening tomorrow.

2.
I've got some bad news to impart,
So you'd better sit down, Gina.
I'm planning to rip out your heart,
And feed it to my hyena.

Not as easy as you thought, is it? Show us one of his works so we can judge for ourselves.] [Also, if you're gonna call him a rhymester, call him The Rhymester. All killers with gimmicks have cool names. Think The Joker, The Riddler, Polka Dot Man. Frankly, I think "The Poet" sounds more villainous than "The Rhymester."]

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word, character-driven suspense novel set in New York City.

I was born and raised in New Jersey then relocated to South Florida where I’ve been working in law enforcement for 23 years to present time.


Notes

I find it interesting that the query mentions both Joey Zicara's ass and the villain's ass. You might want to work in Gina's ass too, by changing "before time runs out" to "before Gina's ass is grass." In fact, you could even say: I was born and raised in New Jersey then moved my ass to South Florida.

If this is romantic suspense, in which Gina and Joey fall in love in the end, say so.

Does anyone get killed? Is the main plot thread two FBI agents race to determine who's writing poems to one of them? I think there should be a stronger hint that lives are on the line. As it stands, the poems could be a practical joke from a fourteen-year-old.

Those first three paragraphs must go. Maybe you could open with one of the poems if they're short. Then you say: So reads the poem FBI agent Gina Russo finds nailed to her front door. She's about to write it off as a prank when she sees that it's signed by the serial killer known as . . . The Rhymester.

Now that you've set up the situation, show us that The Rhymester means business, and what Gina plans to do about it.

New Beginning 934

To be touched by God's grace, and yet live on, is a precious agony.

Since I was in France anyway, I finally made time to visit the Devere's. The taxi dropped me off at a yellow-painted house with a stone arch around its door. I walked through the neat garden and rang the bell.

No answer for a while, but then a man in shirt-sleeves and half a jacket answered, and smiled at me, and spoke rapidly in French.

The poor bastard looked like me.

"Sorry," I said, "can you...?"

"You're English?" He shrugged fully into his jacket. "How far apart are the contractions?"

"No, it's not a baby."

His face fell. "It's very early if it's not a baby, Monsieur."

I glanced up at a sky grey with the promise of dawn. Perhaps it was. "I'm sorry, I didn't think about the time. I can come back later."

"Nonsense, I wouldn't hear of it." He stepped back into his house, and held the door open for me. "You don't mind if I ask who you are? You're familiar, but we've never met before." Perhaps he saw my ring when I offered my hand to shake, for he added, "Ohhhhh, c'est comme ça? Germain told us he'd spoken to you about our poor René. But I was expecting someone--"

"Human? You, of all people, should know we do not make a habit of openly identifying ourselves."

He pulled back, jacket unzipped. "What is this?" he demanded.

"Der Furher is in need of blood. And he insists on your presence." It pleased me to know Hitler had trusted me, of all the Vampirkorps, to carry out his mission.

He nodded. "One moment," he said. "How can I tell you are . . . secure?"

I smiled, letting him catch a glimpse of my vampirzahn. I understood his caution. With all the neoNazis, outcast teenagers, and Twilight fanatics wandering about, a vampir can't be too careful.


Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Khazar-khum

Film Noir Friday

Yet another feature from the Evil Editor film vault.

Win Stuff!

I was planning to award a prize to the two millionth visitor to this blog, but then I realized that the two millionth visitor could be a spambot, and in any case I have no way of determining who the two millionth visitor is. So . . .

There are 5 prizes pictured on this page. The person who comes closest to guessing the exact date and time when the counter will hit 2,000,000 gets all 5 prizes. Those whose guess is 2nd closest through 5th closest may choose any one of the prizes. Guesses must be in eastern US time zone.

In order to know when the two millionth visitor visits, I need to be monitoring the counter, and if the two millionth visitor happens along at 4 AM eastern, I'm gonna be annoyed, but you'll still get your prize. One guess per person.

The counter is at the bottom of the blog. Your guess must be in before that count reaches 1,998,000. Oops! Deadline has passed. Good luck if you're in.

I'm not going to post your guess comments until after the deadline, in order to prevent "Price is Right" strategy of guessing one minute above or below someone else to improve your chances.

Under normal circumstances (based on the past week's visits) your best guess would be Monday or Tuesday of next week. However, I'll be mentioning this on Twitter and if someone with a thousand followers retweets my tweet to someone with a million followers, who also retweets it, we could zip along more quickly. We would if I were giving away a car.

Attempting to make the counter zoom won't work, as the counter doesn't count you if it counted you in the past 12 hours.

The prizes:




1. Evil Editor Teaches School. Very rare. Only 50 copies printed, and most of those sold.







2. The Novel Deviations Trilogy.

The best of New Beginnings on the Evil Editor blog.





3. Why You Don't Get Published, vols. 1 & 2

The only writing books you'll ever need, and the only ones you could stand to read.



4. The Evil Editor Cartoon DVD. The best cartoons and ads, set to music, viewable full-screen on your TV or computer.






5. The Evil Editor mug.

For your favorite spewables.