Face-Lift 688

Guess the Plot

The Lost

1. Janet's best dog ever was Waldo, a well-trained poodle. It was a tragedy that he went missing. But if Janet can't stop lamenting the loss of her dog and notice Digby, the handsomest taximan in Glasgow, she'll never know happiness.

2. A young puppy shows up on a widow's porch one morning and worms his way into her lonely heart. As Wilma cares for Jo Jo, she realizes that Jo Jo is no ordinary dog, but the leader of a pack of werehumans.

3. Vic hates everything about Mr. Grim's Boarding School for the Criminally Deceased, including the constant feeling of being lost and of course the part about being dead, but the very worst part is that the dining hall doesn't serve nachos.

4. Angela is sick of wearing mismatched socks. Determined to discover what happens, she sets her dryer to fluff and climbs inside. Transported to the world behind the Internet, she'll uncover the true origin of sock puppets. Can she escape a world-wide mob of mis-matched hosiery?

5. In 1939 Max and Roberto took a shortcut on their way from Las Cruces to North Dakota and were never seen again. Sixty-nine years later a squad of commandos on a desert training mission discover two men pushing a car toward Los Alamos -- two men named Max and Roberto who claim they just escaped a horde of space aliens. This is their story.

6. Bridget Abraham always knows where she is: not in the location she wants to be. When her husband gives her dog tags and a GPS for her anniversary, she decides to get therapy. But can she find the counselor's office?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, "each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds." [For those interested, here are the top ten causes of death among 15-to-24-year-old American teenagers:

10. Sibling murder.
9. Living in Afghanistan.
8. Brain cancer from cell phone overuse.
7. Video game violence.
6. Living in Iraq.
5. Zombies.
4. Amusement park accidents.
3. Suicide.
2. Rap music.
1. Texting while driving.]

My young adult novel, The Lost, explores this deep and disturbing issue. It's a cross between Jay Asher's Thirteen Reasons Why and Gabrielle Zevin's Elsewhere. [If I haven't read those books, that means nothing to me. If I have read them, I should recognize the similarities from your plot description, without needing to be told.]

Occupants of Mr. Grim's Boarding School for the Criminally Deceased have at least one thing in common: they each took their own lives. [life] [Why isn't this your first sentence? It's a novel, and you open with statistics that make me think it's a depressing nonfiction book.]

Sixteen-year-old Vic has been at the school for awhile. Vic is dead, she knows that much, and she's lost all hope of leaving the school where colors are dull, the rooms are always changing, and the classes revolve around others[apostrophe] past lives, but not her own. [Who are these others the classes revolve around? Historical figures? Other people in the school?] There are no windows and no nachos (Vic's fav). It's high school, but worse. She's stuck in a wandering, unsatisfying, lost existence. She doesn't remember who she is so she spends her time showing a Phase One (a new boarder) the ropes [As a simple matter of tact, it's best not to show new boarders the ropes until you're sure they didn't hang themselves.] while trying to ignore the flashes of memory popping up in her head. As the old memories consume her, Vic is overwhelmed with her past choices, desperate to understand her former self. [Shorten this paragraph. Keep the specific, lose the general.]

When Ty, a past football player, finds a lustrous red rose, a sign of a world outside of the dust-encrusted school, he rallies Vic and the others to plan an escape. She partners up with some of her peers as they try to find a way back to the life they willingly left behind, but Mr. Grim's Boarding School is less like an educational institution and more like a prison, full of secrets of its own.

Will Vic find a way to see her family and friends again? Will she remember why she chose to end her life? [These questions aren't needed.]

The Lost is dark, but also filled with hope. The manuscript is complete at 40,000 words. May I sent a partial or full manuscript? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Lose the suicide stats. It's the story we're looking for.

Mr. Grim's Boarding School for the Criminally Deceased makes me think it's for dead people who were criminals or were killed by criminals. I don't think you're trying to give the impression suicide is a crime. Maybe it should be for the self-dispatched.

An amusing name for the school will give the impression the book has plenty of humor, and you say it's dark. Is it also funny?

If you must mention other books, just say your book will appeal to those who liked the other ones, not that yours is a cross between them, which sounds like you set out to produce a hybrid of other people's works.

Ty rallies the students and Vic partners with her peers. It might be better if Vic does the rallying or leads her peers. I assume your main character is the heroine, not a follower, so don't give the wrong impression in the query.

Cartoon 497

Caption: Steve Wright

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 695

"What we have here is paradise... not lost but regained." Tex sat in the remains of the Quonset hut and scanned a memory card retrieved from Team Alpha's waterproof safe. Dash sat behind him, reviewing message logs and reports from another memory card. Billy, their point man broke the silence of mosquitoes buzzing and ocean waves lapping over the edges of the atoll.

"What we gots he-ah, is a dump-pah." Billy said as he searched through the ruined equipment.

"No, paradise... Betwixt them Lawns... and flocks, grazing the tender herb... flowers of all hue, and without thorn... the Rose... Paradise," Tex recited. Billy pushed back his nose and snorted.

"Soo-we, wee goin' all intellectual? Team Alpha is done gone. Sold their souls to Korean goonie-loonies or Chinee Yellow Piss-pots or Al Kai-Eeda ragheads to mounds of gold an' jewels swinging from their Bene-dicked Arnolds. In short, bugged out."

"Jesus, Puckerbutt, could you try not offendin' half o' mankind in a one breath?" Tex paused a single heartbeat and described the files he just read.

"What we got he-ah, is some digitized video. Lemme see... It says 'Paris Hilton's Simple Life, Complete Seasons 1, 2 and 3.'" Billy looked up in horror. Tex closed his eyes and said, "Through me the way into the Suffering City... Through me the way to Eternal Pain... Through me the way... that runs among the Lost..."


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 496

Caption: Anon.
Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 687

Guess the Plot

The Soul Catcher

1. Soul catchers take "soul food" to a whole new level. They dine on the souls of human beings. When a teen-aged soul catcher disguises herself as a human and falls in love with her next meal, trouble looms: the punishment is . . . death.

2. Being an engineer on a rundown space train isn't easy, and when new regulations come down the line ordering that all engines immediately be fitted with a "soul catcher," Lance Bixter knows the whole run is going to suck.

3. With a butterfly net and an i-pod full of rhythm & blues, Barry Duboise is ready to rule the Lepidopterans. His main rival has developed a secret weapon she calls honey-flame. Can the pair team up long enough to defend their kingdom from the invading Ornithos?

4. Joel Brown thought he had a catchy new name for a café in the heart of Detroit's Motown. Until the chili eats his waitress and the only new applicant for the job has a forked tongue and glowing red eyes. And she's horny. This could work out.

5. In 2157 Rap is the Law, enforced by Soul Catchers, who snuff out subversive sweet soul sounds of the 1960s. J-Slam is the baddest, but when he samples a stash of vinyl, he's hooked. Can he save himself and his Soul, while proving he's not a ripoff of Fahrenheit 451?

6. Retired astronaut Stan Kaufman saw souls floating by while he orbited the earth. When his dead wife leaves messages that she's been captured, he sets to work building a rocket that can take him into near-earth orbit so he can free her. Also, a jive-talking ghost.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

After reviewing your website, I believe you may be interested in The Soul Catcher, a YA fantasy complete at 60,000 words. I'm currently seeking representation.

While living as a mortal...

1) A jinn must not reveal one’s true identity. [I assume you mean his/her own identity, in which case I'd say his or her or its, not one's.]
2) A jinn must not grant wishes.
3) A jinn must not fall in love. [That sounds more like a recommendation than a rule. It's like saying, Don't be sad. Easily done until something tragic happens.] [Also, what's the point of being a jinn if you can't do anything fun?]

Sixteen-year-old Asiya has no trouble following these rules of Spell, a one week retreat where she, an influential jinn and soul catcher, can leave the Colony and roam the mortal world disguised as a human, until she meets Wren, an intelligent yet troubled southern boy. [Southern USA? If so, name the state, because with names like Asiya and Wren, I'm thinking southern Asgard.] [Also, that "until" goes with "following," but could easily go with "roam" or "disguised." Maybe put dashes around everything between "Spell," and "until."]

While other jinn view mortals as cattle, their souls the source of jinn magic and life, Asiya secretly admires the humans from which she is supposed to feed. ["Supposed to," meaning she doesn't?] This may have something to do with the fact that she's rumored to be half-mortal because of the rare color of her eyes. [This paragraph is just trivia. Dump it and focus on the Asiya/Wren relationship.]

During Spell, when she’s taunted at the mortal high school because of her Arabian ancestry, Wren comes to her defense. She follows him, intrigued, and witnesses his stepfather's abusive nature. Horrified, she reveals her powers in hopes he’ll wish for a new life. Wren, finally pushed to the edge, unknowingly makes a deadly wish. Asiya grants it, creating an imbalance between the mortal and jinn worlds, which sets in motion a series of dangerous consequences. [Couldn't Asiya change from human form to jinn form and then grant the wish, thus avoiding breaking rule #2?]

Together they run from Makin, a powerful jinn sent to punish them. Asiya tries to find her mortal father before she's dragged back to the Colony forever, but more than her freedom is at stake when she falls in love with the broken and cynical country boy. Any jinn knows the punishment for loving a mortal is nothing less than death..

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

To declare that Asiya has no trouble following the rules until she meets Wren isn't saying much; she meets him almost immediately. She managed to not break the rules for a couple days. What will power.

She has only one week to roam the mortal world . . . and enrolls in high school?

Can a new kid just show up and start attending school?

What's the punishment for revealing your identity or granting a wish?

What do you mean by, she's an "influential" jinn?

Not all jinn can catch souls? Do the soul catchers catch souls and provide them to the other jinn?

Granting a deadly wish while in mortal form throws the universe into imbalance. Would granting the same wish while in jinn form have the same consequences?

Cartoon 495

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 686

Guess the Plot

The Trinity Saints

1. Mikey will do anything to make Trinity High School's varsity basketball team - even a little voodoo to ask the loa spirits for their blessing and aid. But as the season ramps up, Mikey finds the spirits increasingly hard to shake. The loa are determined to take Mikey all the way to a championship - whether he wants their help or not.

2. It should have been a dream job for one of Satan's minions: night warden in the eerie and oppressive library at Dublin's Trinity College. And it was--until the Trinity Saints popped up and started witnessing. All night long. Every night. Insanity ensues.

3. A superhero team consisting of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost fight crime in Vatican City. Not a bad gig--until the villain known as the Antichrist sets up shop next to St. Peter's. Can our heroes take him down without causing Armageddon?

4. After eighteen years living with nuns, Hope is finally ready to follow her calling. She joins the Trinity Saints, and begins her training . . . as a ruthless assassin.

5. A boy, a girl and a manatee, living and loving together in Trinity Bay, Florida.

6. The Trinity University Saints haven't had a winning season since 1966. The new coach, Dante "The Inferno" Jones, plans on changing that with a training regimen that makes the seven levels of hell look like an amusement park. Angelo Nicks leads the players in a rebellion.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Have you ever wondered what lies beneath the faceless mask of a trained killer? [No, but only because I'm not sure I know what you mean by a faceless mask. I Googled it, but most of the images for faceless masks actually looked like faces. This one looks faceless, but he also looks like he would make a really bad trained killer.] What’s revealed when that mask of indifference is removed? Sometimes it’s an evil face of one whose humanity is lost forever and sometimes it’s the innocent face of one who has been betrayed in the worst way.

Hope O'Reilly is an example of a woman caught in a never-ending tangled web of lies, deceit and conspiracy tracing back to her birth. ["Never-ending" is not an adjective to be tossed around lightly. Especially in this case, as I suspect the web ends before the book does.] The only survivor of a viscous car accident [The car went into a skid when it hit a patch of honey.] that claimed the lives of her mother, father and twin sister, Hope is sent to the county orphanage to be raised by nuns. Eighteen years later, she's recruited into The Trinity Saints, a company that trains her to be not only cunning and ruthless, but also emotionless and lethal. For the next five years, she burrows a hole for herself [Not the clearest of metaphors--unless she's become a gopher.] in this new and exotic world; reveling in the excitement that seems to go hand in hand with the danger she faces on a daily basis.

When her current job gets botched by her resentful double and mysterious packages begin to arrive, plaguing her to the truth behind her family's demise, ["Plaguing" isn't the word you want.] Hope returns home to seek the answers she’s so desperate to find. When her bosses, The Trinity Saints, are less than forthcoming, she decides it's time to take a small vacation and only then does she begin to piece together the twenty-five year old puzzle that put her on the path to where she is today.

With the help of a gorgeous assassin next door, Hope uncovers a much deeper sense of humanity within herself [Because when you're seeking a deep sense of humanity, who better to turn to than an assassin?] and a more serious desire for retribution. Her quest for truth leads her to the one person she never suspected, [Of what?] the loving nun who raised her - her maternal grandmother. A woman whose [who's] been grooming Hope to one day take her place in the hierarchy of a secret organization who span the world over. Hope learns her mother was the only one to die in the accident that began the domino effect her life has been. [Consider trying our next bad analogy exercise.] [Is the 18 years between the accident and her recruitment one domino?] She has to decide if having family is worth the misery that seems to accompany them.

Growing up as a girl, surrounded by boys, I became a sassy tomboy with a quick tongue and an affinity for hunting, fishing and shooting. These have allowed me to create both an enjoyable and believable heroine involved in a roller coaster ride of danger, excitement and power. [If anything can prepare you to write about danger, excitement and power, it's trawlin' for catfish down at the ol' fishin' hole.] I’ve recently had a short story published on Celis T. Rono’s Collective Writer’s site.

The Trinity Saints is a 72,000 word chick lit thriller/mystery perfect for today’s woman who wants a witty, yet suspenseful tale of cat versus mouse; a tale where the mouse finally wins. [If you describe your book as cat versus mouse, it should be obvious who the cat and the mouse are. Who's the cat?] [Also, I can't recall a cat versus mouse tale in which the mouse didn't win.] May I send you my completed manuscript for your consideration?


Notes

Too many words, without saying what's important. Spell out the plot clearly. The Trinity Saints train assassins? Is Hope a hitman? Do the Saints just kill bad guys, or can anyone hire them? Why was Hope put in an orphanage but not her sister? Assuming her sister is her resentful double, what was she doing for eighteen years? Who's the cat? Grandma? Hope's father?

It appears there's a world-wide network of orphanages run by nuns, from which a group called The Trinity Saints recruits assassins or spies. From the early statement that the face beneath the mask is sometimes that of someone who's been betrayed, I assume the Saints aren't exactly saints. Instead of telling us Hope burrows a hole in her new world, give us some specifics on what she does.

The "Growing up a girl..." paragraph can go.

Cartoon 494

Caption: Voter/anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 694

His entrance at nine-thirty sharp—half an hour before closing—dashed my hopes of cutting short the miserable day.

There was only one other customer at Gustav’s Diner, a grandfatherly type on the last spoonfuls of his apple crisp. Another five minutes and he would have paid and left, the kitchen would be pronounced closed, and I would be free to go—escape— curl up in bed and pass the remaining hours in the oblivion of sleep.

But now the new arrival had ruined it all. I watched as he shook the rain off his umbrella and walked towards the corner table, dripping a trail of water in his wake that I would later have to mop up.

Suppressing a sigh, I trudged over and dropped a menu on his table, muttering a barely audible Welcome to Gustav’s underneath my breath. Even as I walked away I knew that my attitude was all wrong, that Gustav would surely be disappointed if he saw me. Gustav, who hadn’t fired me even though I broke three plates my first week on the job. Gustav, who apologized to customers and told them he was at fault whenever I messed up the bill. Gustav, whose generosity was nothing short of legendary. Gustav, who had saved countless souls from the concentration camps. Gustav, who used only olive oil in his deep fryer.

It took a full ten minutes, while I impatiently clattered pots and wiped down counters, for the newcomer to study the menu.

"What'll it be?" I asked him in a hurry-up voice.

"Coffee," he said. "A bowl of chowder. Two hamburgers. Pastrami on rye, sauerkraut on the side. BLT, no mayo. Two ball park dogs with Chili and one with relish. A meatball sub, extra cheese, easy on the sauce. A small green salad. And a slice of that apple crisp."

The old-timer in the corner cleared his throat. "Say... I know you... You're that Evil Editor, right?"

I recognized the name and couldn't hold back a grin. "Gustav! That guy you sent your novel to is here!"

A crash in the kitchen was accompanied by some Baltic swearing; we were going to close up early after all.


Opening: JP.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 493

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 685

Guess the Plot

Moongate

1. A samurai warrior passes through the moongate portal to a futuristic world where he tries to convince a teen-aged girl that she is actually a dragon destined to save mankind from demons.

2. Stennick Bline, the last of the real gonzo journalists, makes a discovery that will rock the world: the moon really is just a cardboard cut-out. But will he live long enough to publish his story?

3. After spending $250 million to create an explosion on the moon, NASA proudly announces that they found nothing other than dust. Well, except for that gate to the secret kingdom of immortality...

4. The President issues a terse denial. The First Lady maintains an icy silence. The FBI finds no evidence of a crime. But the tongues of scandal grow louder. Then Fanny Needler, lonely top-secret analyst, discovers satellite images of buns pressing a Lincoln Bedroom windowpane - and a tattoo she recognizes all too well.

5. Little Timmy forgot to close the moongate, and now the moon is on a collision course with the Earth, all life will soon be destroyed, and Timmy's mom says he's in big trouble when his dad gets home.

6. For years Clive has been telling people about the government's Moon landing conspiracy. Now Clive is dead, and one by one his fellow believers are being slain. Can Detective Carol Hanson find the killer, or will she, too, be eclipsed?


Original Version

Dear [AGENT],

Moongate is a 111,000-world tale [Most fantasy readers can handle two--or even three--worlds, but you've gone way overboard.] full of twists, vengeance, heartache and humor. A thousand years after the apocalypse where the demonic Youkai overthrew mankind, only a few beacons of civilization remain, and Japan is isolated from the rest of the world. A lone samurai crosses the boundary between worlds, [Specifically, between worlds #72,343 and #72,344.] hunting the dragon prophesied to save his beloved Citadel. He is Susanouo, named for a god of war, and he carries with him the sword Kusanagi, the cursed blade which once wiped dragons from the face of the earth. [If the dragon is supposed to save his beloved Citadel, maybe he should hunt it with something less lethal than Kusanagi.]

In a modern world [#106,982] he finds Rei: a dragon, who wears the form of a tactless seventeen-year-old girl and has no idea what she is. It has been foretold that if she saves his city he will die at her hands. Against all odds these two must journey back to the Citadel and convince its ruthless prince to ignite open war with demonkind, [Before that, against all odds, Suze has to convince Rei that she's actually a dragon and that she should accompany him to a land that has no mall.] before the Youkai launch an invasion of their own. [If the Youkai overthrew mankind 1000 years ago and they've been ignoring the Citadel ever since, then what makes Susanouo think they're suddenly gonna launch an invasion? If they cared about the Citadel, they could have destroyed it centuries ago. Did they just recently happen upon Japan?]

Moongate is told from the alternating viewpoints of both its main characters—the grim samurai swordsman and the smart-mouthed girl from the futuristic world. And Susanouo isn't your typical swashbuckling hero. He hides the secret that he's actually a demon who has thrown in his lot with the doomed human race. His quest isn't just the noble cause of saving humanity; it's about getting revenge. And Rei's not your typical mature, attractive girl who's been sucked into a fantasy world. She's blunt and obnoxious, proud and cynical. [She sounds pretty typical to me.] But ultimately she becomes Susanouo's conscience, forcing him to question the ruthless choices he makes.

Moongate would be marketable to high fantasy and urban fantasy readers alike. The novel is similar to fantasy series such as Robin Hobb's Farseer Trilogy or Naomi Novik's Temeraire Trilogy. In the ordinary-girl-meets-magical-being sense, [If she's actually a dragon, I'd hardly call her an ordinary girl.] it’s similar to the Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire series, or to young adult urban fantasy such as Twilight or A Great and Terrible Beauty. [Tossing out the names of wildly popular novels that don't bear even the slightest resemblance to yours is unlikely to pay off.] The book is also colored with Japanese folklore, and would appeal to manga (Japanese graphic novel) readers. [First you assume I've read these Farseer and Temeraire trilogies, then you assume I don't know what manga is.] [I recommend that if you're querying an agent who insists that you compare your book to published fiction, you choose only one book for comparison.]

The second book, War God, is already in progress, and the third is outlined. I would be happy to send a copy of the manuscript for review; feel free to contact me anytime.

Regards,


Side note to EE: The title refers to the portal Susanouo uses to travel between worlds. He has named it that because he believes the unique power to world-jump was given to him by the moon god, Tsukiyomi.


Notes

If you have a 17-year-old main character and you compare your book to young adult books, we'll wonder why you haven't described your book as young adult.

It seems to me that if Susanouo goes to the future and finds that it isn't ruled by demons, and that mankind is getting along just fine even though he hasn't brought the dragon back yet, that he would figure the prophecy was bull and cancel his mission. Or at least head over to his beloved Citadel to see if it has survived.

Susanouo's quest for revenge seems to be the main motivating factor. Perhaps we should know what's behind it.

If Susanouo is actually a demon, the Citadel isn't actually his "beloved Citadel." Why would a demon care about saving the Citadel? Why can't he seek his revenge without getting the dragon and saving the Citadel?

This seems to take place on Earth, but I'm not clear on the time line. There's the apocalyptic event, then 1000 years later Susanouo sets out on his mission which takes him to a futuristic world. How futuristic? Is it our present time, in which case mankind was overthrown more than a millennium ago? Or is the apocalyptic event in our future, so that the entire book is set in the future?

It wouldn't be easy to convince a modern girl that she's a dragon. What evidence does Susanouo provide? Is he disguised as a samurai when he appears to Rei, or does he change into something more appropriate to her world?

Does the prophecy say that a samurai will die at the hands of the dragon that saves the Citadel? Or does it say that a demon disguised as a samurai will die?

Cartoon 492

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 693

Claire had not ventured onto the balcony since Tom died. Heights scared her, and fear could trigger a panic attack. What would happen if the panic struck when she was out there? When she was standing near the edge? Nothing, she told herself, absolutely nothing. You’ve taken a pill. You’ll be fine. She shut the door behind her and shuffled forward, taking comfort from the roughness of cement beneath her bare feet. Almost there, she reached out to grab the railing and paused.

The pause was a mistake. Her concentration wavered, and she saw herself standing on a narrow ledge stuck to the side of a building seventeen stories above the pavement. Her grip became rigid and white-knuckle tight.

Even more than falling, she feared its allure. Another step and she would be at the edge. Would she be impelled to keep going, to press her hips against the rail and lean further and further forward until her feet left the floor and she tumbled into oblivion? Don’t look down. Think about something else.

What a mess this was. Housework. Yes, mindless cleaning--that would take her mind off everything.

Claire turned and stepped back over Tom's bloodied, lifeless body and headed to the kitchen to get a mop.


Opening: Pat Dusenbury.....Continuation: ril

Cartoon 491

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 684

Guess the Plot

The Light of Epertase

1. Long- suffering orphan Junie Jinx finally escapes the evil witch, only to be lost in the haunted forest. If only she could get back to Cincinnati and eat a pizza! The only nourishment she can find is that tankard of glowing elixir guarded by the monstrous hound.

2. On the dying continent of Hexinus lies the tower of Epertase--a mystical stronghold of such power that those who look upon its light turn instantly blind. Falian Quincy was born on that tower, and is destined to one day return and claim its deepest treasure. But will he be able to see it?

3. After seeking the Holy Grail of glue solvents for thirty years, Duncan finds it in a jar of Mother's homemade canned beans. But is it too toxic and combustible to be refined? The guys at the lab think so, but Duncan's going to prove them wrong. Or die trying.

4. It's backstabbing boardroom shenanigans and steamy bedroom antics all the way, when ruthless business executive Mandy Harrington stops at nothing to market Epertase, her new miracle formula for candle wax.

5. An invading army has just annihilated a neighboring kingdom, and Epertase is doomed to fall next. Power-mad King Elijah is wondering how long the invaders will let him live when the princess tells him that a magical light within her soul has determined that she should take over the throne. Quickly a vacation in another hemisphere is added to Elijah's calendar.

6. The Epertase Salon caters to all sorts. Ignatius Proud is determined to make it the fairy godmother in his own Cinderella story, but first he needs a pumpkin, rats, and money.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am seeking representation for my 93,000-word epic fantasy novel, “The Light of Epertase.”

King Elijah of Epertase would kill his own daughter to stay in power. Rasi, a brilliant warrior, would kill an entire army to save her.

After Rasi was banished for a murder the king committed, [Banished? Historically, power-hungry kings have been within their rights to commit murder and kidnapping, and didn't need to frame someone else. Why didn't Elijah just have Rasi executed on trumped-up treason charges?] he swore nothing could bring him back to Epertase. But that was before a chance encounter with Elijah’s daughter, Princess Ripley, [believe it or not] during a hunting expedition. He never expected to fall in love.


Now a technologically-superior army [The Borg] is poised to invade from the western sea. Elijah prepares for war. When the invaders annihilate Epertase’s closest neighbor in less than a day, [Elijah orders all able-bodied subjects to start manufacturing white flags.] it becomes obvious Elijah’s plans are doomed. That’s when a powerful and magical light inside of Ripley’s soul [bursts out through her chest.] determines that the kingdom’s only hope is for her to take over the throne. Elijah refuses to accept the inevitable


and has her kidnapped. He frames Rasi for the crime. [Again? He seems to frame Rasi for everything. "Frame Rasi" is his version of "Round up the usual suspects."] While on the run, Rasi vows to find his true love and lead her people to victory. If he fails, she will die, he will hang, and Epertase will fall. [What are the Borg doing while Rasi is searching for Ripley? My guess is Epertase will be annihilated long before he finds her.]

Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have. [If I have any questions, you haven't done your job.] Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Just how long did this chance encounter on a hunting trip last? Rasi would kill an entire army to save a woman he ran into once?

Does Rasi know his true love is the princess? Because usually when the king has framed you for murder and banished you, he's not going to consent to your marrying his daughter.

You'd think a princess would have plenty of guards around her who wouldn't let a hunting party get so close to her that one of them falls in love with her.

Elijah, Rasi and Ripley don't strike me as names that would all be in use in the same place and time.

More about Rasi and the princess. Does she have any interest in him? Does she have magical powers that could lead to victory over the Borg? What does the king have against Rasi in the first place?

Cartoon 490

Caption: Steve Wright

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 683

Guess the Plot

Everything's Not Lost

1. With nothing to live for after his dog dies, and tired of getting beat up by Bull the Bully every day, Victor tries to kill himself by taking a bottle of sleeping pills. He lives, and checks into the psych ward, only to discover that his roommate is Bull.

2. Compulsive gambler Tony Tucker tries to convince his wife, Janet, not to leave him on the side of the road after they get evicted and have to live in her car. All he needs is a grubstake and a lucky weekend. But where to get the grubstake? Then he spots the bank.

3. After their plane full of contraband crashes and burns in the Sahara, Josh and Tammy realize they've got nothing left but each other. Too bad they hate each other. As Tammy takes off hiking toward the Nile, Josh realizes this might be his very last chance to get laid, and follows.

4. Derrick throws a coin in an old well and wishes that everything gone missing would turn up -- namely his keys, passport, and plane ticket. When the continent of Mu appears in the Atlantic Ocean he begins to think something's up. Then, his ex-girlfriend's half-decayed corpse makes headlines.

5. Sharon McGee wakes up on the outskirts of Las Vegas with a headache and a wedding ring she can't remember receiving. Did she really marry the handsome croupier barfing on the other side of a nearby dune? She's got her purse, her car keys, her wallet, and her habit's only got a bit of sand in it. The only thing that seems to be missing is her virginity, and the Mother Superior won't be happy to hear that.

6. Just when Dwight is about to print out the Chaucer dissertation he's been working on for 7 years, his Commodore 64 bursts into flames and destroys the entire document, plus his house and car. He's lucky to escape with his jammies and Mad Felix, the haunted cat with the glowing red eyeballs.


Original Version

Everything’s Not Lost is a complete young adult novel at 50,000 words, written in snarky-yet-endearing first person narratives, uniquely alternating back and forth between two voices. [If they're the voices of Morgan Freeman and Stewie Griffin, I'll definitely get the audio book.] [As the word "unique" means "like nothing else," I wouldn't use it to describe alternating between two voices, which is actually pretty common.]

Meet Victor and Bull… [If it was Victor the Bull, I'd be hooked. Especially if he's as funny as Bullwinkle the Moose. Is he?]

Sixteen year old Victor is a tortured dweeb-of-a-kid who has the most self-absorbed, snobby and altogether useless parents alive. His mother loves to tell him he was a mistake. They ride him about everything just to keep up appearances. Like when he only gets a perfect SAT score on the math, they lose their minds and un-invite him from their upcoming European vacation, so he can stay back with a tutor to get his reading and verbal parts up to, you guessed it, perfect. [If I were Victor I'd purposely miss a few SAT questions if I thought it would get me out of going on vacation with my parents.] His life sucks.

Sixteen year old Bull gets the crap beat out of him by his alcoholic grandfather. His mother conceived him under the boardwalk when she was only 17 and is still just as clueless. He’s never met his dad but dreams of running away to the beach for a father-son reunion. [Dammit, now I can't get "Under the Boardwalk" out of my head.] Yeah right. He likes to take out his anger on Victor. Always has; he's brutal. And his life sucks too.

When Victor realizes the only thing worth living for is his dog, which suddenly dies the morning his parents leave him home, he decides he wants to die. He takes an entire bottle of his mother’s sleeping pills and prays he never wakes up. But, he does.

When Bull tries to ward off his grandfather’s drunken-fist-attack with a loaded gun, accidentally shooting himself in the thigh, [I'm guessing Bull didn't get a perfect SAT score, either.]

Drawings from The Children's Picture Book of Gun Safety, courtesy SkoolKids Books.

that’s when the two boys’ lives collide. [I was under the impression their lives had been colliding regularly.] They both end up in the same psych ward, in the same room [, where Victor continues to get pummeled, not only by Bull but also by a male nurse named Bruno]. Much to their shock they spend the next five days together, and it gets ugly before it gets better. [Why is this shocking?] Group therapy is not only where they meet new friends, and new loves, but it’s where true healing begins. [Been looking for love in all the wrong places? Try the psych ward.]

Victor and Bull tell you their own stories, in their own sarcastically-charming way, with humor and tears, hope and light. [Light?]

I am a proud member of SCBWI. I have received honorable mention in the national Children’s Writers Fiction Contest sponsored by Stepping Stones Magazine for my children’s picture book manuscript, The Question.

Upon your request, I will send you my completed manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your reply.


Notes

If you're in the psych ward because you tried to kill yourself because your life sucks, partly because there's a bully who beats you up every day, you might have the sense to tell them you don't want to room with the bully. Or does he want to room with Bull, figuring Bull will succeed where the sleeping pills failed?

If Vic takes the sleeping pills the day his parents leave for Europe, and wakes up the next day, how does he end up in the psych ward? Does he just go there and say Let me in?

I would expect Bull was taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound and that it was either claimed to be an accident or he was arrested for attempted murder. What's the diagnosis that puts him in a psychiatric hospital? Killing Gramps seems perfectly sane to me.

Most of this is introducing the two characters. The main plot is set in the hospital. If you condense the setup to something like:

Sixteen year old Victor is a tortured dweeb-of-a-kid who has the most self-absorbed, snobby and altogether useless parents alive. His life sucks. Then his dog dies.

Sixteen year old Bull gets the crap beat out of him by his alcoholic grandfather. His life sucks too. And he likes to take out his anger on Victor.

With nothing to live for, Victor takes an entire bottle of his mother’s sleeping pills and prays he never wakes up. But he does. Meanwhile, Bull tries to ward off his grandfather’s drunken fist-attack with a loaded gun, accidentally shooting himself in the thigh. Both boys end up in the psych ward at the same time--and in the same room.

. . . you should have room to tell us about the real plot with some specifics.

Cartoon 489

Caption: Faceless Minion

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 682

Guess the Plot

Aria

1. In the greatest mystery ever to challenge Miss Fiskle, a beautiful music student elopes with the barman from the Waterhouse-Woolibob Pub, an establishment of shady repute. Unpredictably, Penelope loses her gentleman somewhere between the altar and the car. Has the brute died, or simply gone AWOL?

2. Daughter of an opera singer and a taximan, Aria Bentley seeks fame and fortune at sea. She'll be the first teen to sail solo round the world with a full-sized piano on board. Except that, just as the hurricane begins to blow, she discovers an unconscious man in the water. Should she rescue this hairy castaway? Or leave him for the sharks?

3. When pirates board a Caribbean yacht, they don't expect the vessel to suddenly be transported into a universe where islands and ships float in the air. Nor to be chased through the sky by El Diablo. Nor to encounter Mother Earth singing "Sempre Libera." Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

4. Anna Maria lands the lead in Carmen. She's sure to be the toast of the town--but the opera opens the night of the full moon. Will the audience buy her soprano wolf howls as an avant garde Carmen, or is she doomed to get scathing reviews?

5. Shayna longs to sing at the Met. She looks like an angel, but has the voice of a bullfrog in heat. Meanwhile her best friend, Kelly, has the voice of an angel, but looks like a bullfrog. Can one plastic surgeon, two costume designers, and a mad scientist bring these women happiness?

6. Her father wants Millicent to sing soprano, but she's perfectly content as the gothy, oppressed mistress of the opera house owner. The show must go on, however, and when the actress playing Camille falls ill, Millicent must step in. Hilarity ensues.


Original Version

Dear Agent Cuddles;

Ken Williams spends his days sailing charters from a small Caribbean island while trying to forget the friends he was manipulated into betraying four years ago. When Garth Anderson, the rogue operative who set Ken up, forces him into a modern act of piracy, neither man expects the yacht they've targeted to be pulled into another universe. [Not even Evil Editor expected it.] There, islands float in the sky, ships sail through the air and the four elements have taken human form. [Are they on a planet that has no gravity? If islands float in the sky, why doesn't everything else float into the sky?]

Ken ends up on a ship crewed by the M'wani, a handful of escaped slaves hoping to reach safety on the distant coast. [If ships sail through the air, I don't see why reaching a coast is significant. It's like a WWI dogfight over the English Channel, and one pilot thinks, I've got no more ammo and no maneuverability, but if I can just make it to the coast he can't touch me. Reaching the coast might be good if you're being chased by a submarine.] Among them is N'gali, the Earth Mother. She is being chased across the sky by El Diablo, the avatar of Fire who leads a nation of fanatic conquerors. El Diablo has already captured the avatar of Water and has exiled Father Sky, the only spirit strong enough to oppose him. [I would think water would be better at opposing fire than sky. I base this on TV shows I've seen where they spray water on burning buildings. Though come to think of it, the buildings always burn down anyway.] If El Diablo catches N'gali, he will use her power to create a fiery new world where his followers will rule forever. [Let him create a new world where his followers rule forever. Anything to get him out of our hair.] [By the way, there has to be a limit to how many of your followers can rule forever. If your followers are all ruling forever, it eventually occurs to you that no one's really following you.]

Ken has to choose between surrendering the M'wani and running a race that looks hopeless, for El Diablo's soldiers control the coast and have trapped the M'wani between fleets. [Why is it Ken who has to choose? He just got there and they've already appointed him leader? I'm surprised they don't think he's a spy.] Ken's best friend has sabotaged the M'wani ship in a desperate attempt to return to his home world, [What's Ken's best friend doing in this universe? And what do you mean by "his home world"? Isn't Ken's best friend from Earth?] and El Diablo's accidental death [The great El Diablo, scourge of the universe, villain of the novel, on the verge of capturing his nemesis, isn't defeated by your main character, but dies in an accident?] has transformed Anderson into the new embodiment of Fire. [If you're in human form, what does it mean to be the embodiment of fire? Is it like being the Human Torch?]

Aria is an 86,000 word fantasy. The complete manuscript is available on request. My short work has appeared [where the streets have no name].


Notes

What's so great about human form that the four elements would all take it? Maybe if he'd remained in spirit form El Diablo would be alive today.

Is Ken on the yacht when it is drawn into the other universe, and if so, why is he suddenly on the M'wani's boat instead of the yacht? What happened to the yacht?

What's N'gali doing on the M'wani's boat? Can't the Earth goddess come up with better transportation? Shouldn't she be on the earth instead of the water or the sky anyway?

In a novel it's bad when aliens appear in chapter 14; in a query, it's bad when they appear any later than sentence 1. The query might sound less nutzburgers if the fantasy world is mentioned up front. Or--and this will seem a bit radical--keep only the first sentence and rework the novel into a thriller set on plain old Earth.

Cartoon 488

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 692

We packed snacks and squash-vine trumpets and left Avery’s house in broad daylight. The drive to the trailhead was short, but when we got out of the car we were already in shadow; the mountain blocked the sun. Avery said we’d have enough light for going up and we’d remember our way when we came down. Anyway he knew the path, and he had (he said) good balance and excellent night vision and could help me if I had trouble getting back down. I didn’t intend to need help. I would always be eight years younger than Avery, but I was eighteen now, an adult and his equal. And while it might suit him to be helpful and protective to women, it suited me to be independent of men.

The place was lovely enough to take my mind off independence. Even in the muted light the last maple leaves showed red-gold against the dark green of pines and the silver of bare branches. The trail climbed through thick woods and across narrow clearings full of berry brambles. Yes, Avery told me, hikers were welcome to pick the berries even though this was public land.

I still think of him up there in the fading light, his mouth full of sweet, juicy berries, a pine cone up his ass, his cold, lifeless eyes wide with shock as I covered his corpse with maple leaves. Yes, Avery -- excellent night vision, but you didn't see that coming, did you, you patronizing, misogynistic bastard? Your good balance didn't help you this time, did it, you fat fuck? Independence: that's what I'm talking about. Looks like I won't always be eight years younger than you, after all.


Opening: Joanna......Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 487

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 681

Guess the Plot

Heirs of the Collective

1. Justin and Eliot inherit Uncle Norman's priceless Borg memorabilia collection, little knowing that the entire Phoenix Star Trek convention is plotting to steal it.

2. Gordon believes his son Jackson is destined to lead the Collective, but other members of the Collective believe that Collectives don't have leaders; that's the whole point of a Collective. But eliminating Jackson won't be easy, for he has developed secret super powers.

3. When the last hippie of the Love Shack Collective finally dies of old age, he leaves everything to a pair of cats, Sparky and Muffin, two of the worst behaved felines Brenda, the new maid, ever met. What is she to do with these vile creatures? And how can she get their hunky guardian, Brent Wiggins, to go for a roll in the sack?

4. 11-year old Jonah lives with his extended family in an illegal beekeeping collective. When Grandpa Henry suddenly dies, Jonah's relatives struggle for control of the operation. Can Jonah survive the infighting and uncover if his grandfather was murdered, all without exposing the beekeeping to the authorities?

5. The year is 1953. Piotr Nikolaievitch Rusanov and his sister Yulia Nikolaievna have just received a broken-down tractor, four hundred kilogrammes of mildewed grain, and fifteen men's boots, left, size twelve. They are forced to conclude that, back in the days of Tsarist imperialist oppression, will readings were a lot more fun.

6. An orange growth on Holly Bond's bathroom ceiling informs her that it's part of humanity's collective conscious. As she scrubs it off, everyone in a small town in Nebraska loses their memory. Can Holly stay one step ahead of the government agents descending on her quiet town?


Original Version

Dear Agent

Since you are looking to build your list with fantasy and paranormal, you may be interested in my debut novel, Home: Heirs of the Collective (92,745 words). Heirs is part contemporary women’s and part paranormal romance* - the first novel in my Home trilogy. It alternates between the two protagonists’ POV:

Pregnant wife, DABNEY, discovers her divine partner, GORDON, is a future leader in a Santerian Collective that “benevolently” inhabits “disposable” (druggies, homeless, etc.) humans, transforming them into thriving citizens. [I don't know what you mean by "divine," by "Santerian Collective," or by "inhabits."] The multi-ethnic group exists in isolation until their procreation efforts go awry, requiring breeding vessels. [I wouldn't mind knowing what you mean by "go awry."] Dabney’s enlightenment requires living among beings born to maximize and utilize their natural purpose for the good of the Collective. An attack by Gordon’s half-brother on her newly conceived child forces her enlightenment. [What is "enlightenment"? What is the "natural purpose" of the beings Dabney is required to live among?] His plan: co-op the fetus since Gordon vacillated on completing the process, [What is the "process"?] and show Gordon’s deficiency as a leader. Gordon’s plan: realize his, and his son’s, inherited destiny despite growing resistance and facilitate acceptance of the woman whose chi matches his own. [Time out. I need a few moments to close my eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine I'm in a peaceful place...] [Okay, I'm back, but let's take it slow; we don't want anyone's head to explode.] Dabney’s plan: salvage her life and protect her son who vowed, from the womb, to protect her. Dissidents also feel they have a right to the heir. They feel a different call to action than Gordon or the Council [The Council? I don't remember the Borg collective needing a Council. Everyone had equal say in everything.] for the continuity of their race, and have plans to ensure that Gordon loses both his inherited destiny and his son. They don’t factor in something else only Dabney knows: Jackson, the first fully successful hybrid, has advanced abilities. [Is that what makes him fully successful? What were the unsuccessful hybrids like?] The wild card exists in that Jackson formed his own sense of propriety almost from birth. [Head explosion imminent. Roll out the tarp and get a mop.] He, also, clearly, [You've, gone, comma, crazy.] to an unknown degree, shares his father fidelity to the Collective. [Jackson is Dabney's child? I wasn't aware he'd even been born yet, and you're talking about him like he's an adult.] Dabney loves the man she hopes Gordon still is and fiercely loves her son. Gordon loves them both with every molecule of his real self, but pragmatically knows that larger issues sometimes eclipse even extraordinary love.

While the market for steamy and erotic paranormal and romance remains constant, I believe that readers are thirsty, not just for vamps, et al in lust, but for all stories, especially with a love element, that provides escape from the ordinary, the doom and gloom. And they don’t necessarily need non-stop erotica: [At the moment, that's exactly what I need.] witness the many adult readers of Twilight, Evermore, etc. Home novels have enough love scenes to interest readers of erotic romance, but more of the elements that interest the contemporary audience. [I'm not sure whether agents find it insulting, annoying, amusing, or just a waste of space when writers profess to know more about markets than the agents do, and thus must explain all this stuff. Get rid of this whole paragraph.]

My Home series is an *urban fantasy/paranormal meets contemporary romance, in that there is equal emphasis on the relationship/challenges and saving their world. It is essentially a love story that encompasses survival and life changing choices. One that asks whether the good of one seemingly superior group trumps potential harmful impact on another.

A fuller 2-page synopsis and bio follow this letter. The Heirs conflict continues in Home: Escaping Destiny (editing)-synopsis available upon request. I’m completing the third, untitled, installment, and am also toying with a prequel on the Collective’s origins in the Mayan jungle. You can also read additional writing samples at (link deleted)/

I am grateful for your consideration of Heirs of the Collective, and look forward to sending the entire manuscript. I hope the characters I love pique your interest. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

You make this sound like hard science fiction while calling it romance. The audience for these genres is different. You also seem to imply that contemporary romance is non-stop erotica. The average contemporary romance has two to four love scenes that may be erotic, and surrounding them is an actual plot.

Whattaya mean when you say the Collective inhabits the homeless? All of the Collective? How big is the Collective?

This somehow manages to be too technical while being too vague. Here's what I think your plot may be:

Dabney has given birth to Jackson, the first human/Santerian hybrid and destined to one day lead the Santerian race. Jackson's father, Gordon, a member of the Santerian Collective, is torn between his love for Dabney and Jackson and his loyalty to the Collective. Dissident members of the Collective want Gordon and Jackson out of the way, but they don't know that Jackson has latent super powers. Can Dabney protect her son from the Collective--and possibly his own father--until he develops his powers and reaches his destiny?

I may have it wrong, but the point is that I've attempted not to dumb it down, but to clear it up. Trash the whole thing and focus on the heart of the story.

Cartoon 486

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 680

Guess the Plot

In All the Wrong Places

1. A complete catalogue detailing every single place where Lorraine looked for love from 1992 through 2005, and a picture what she found there.

2. Amber wants to rid the world of men who touch children "in all the wrong places." So she teams up with her friends Cassie and Robin to form a vigilante trio of pedophile eliminators. But will they get their first victim before he gets them?

3. The problem with Joanie's career is geography. Every time she gets a job, disaster strikes, removing her office from the map, or at least reducing it to rubble. But she has great legs and fabulous hair, so Steve hires her anyway. Trouble ensues.

4. Joelle can't understand why her self-published romance novel isn't selling. When her mother suggests it's because the only places it's available are Billy Bob's Bait & Tackle Shoppe and the concession stand at the local cockfighting pit, Joelle looks into advertising in the Wimbledon program.

5. Elvis Midnight, vampire hunter, never gives up when stalking his prey. What he can't figure out is why a vampire is living in the middle of the Sahara.

6. Rosie likes her new boyfriend, except for the fact that he has no idea what he's doing in bed. So she enlists the help of sexologist Peter Patel—only to discover after a few sessions she's in love with him. Will she have the courage to tell Dr. Patel how she feels, or will her boyfriend continue touching her . . . In All the Wrong Places?


Original Version

Dear [specific agent]:

I’m querying you because you are ‘drawn to a conflicted protagonist trying to right some wrong.’ [That's too vague for your opening sentence, even if it is taken from the agent's website. If you describe a good story in which a conflicted character rights a wrong, the agent will be drawn to it without having to be reminded that it's his/her cup of tea.]

Over-achieving and insecure, Amber dreams of saving children from abuse by ridding the world of pedophiles, but she wonders if she’s prepared to risk her marriage to David—he defends the justice system even when it fails.

[Amber: Unbelievable. According to Time, DNA evidence proved that yet another innocent man went to the electric chair.

David: Hey, they all had their day in court.]

Veterinarian Robin, a grieving widow, cannot euthanize an animal without feeling Roman Catholic guilt; she wonders if she can risk eternal damnation. Car dealer Cassie doesn’t wonder at all. [At least you have one realistic character.]

Over dinner and laughter, they devise ten rules for committing the perfect murder. Rule #1: Convicted pedophiles only. Rule #2: No connection between huntress and the pedophile or his victims… But what if dinner party rules don’t work in real life?

To test the rules and her resolve, Amber stalks a suspected pedophile [Suspected by whom? What happened to Rule #1?] and discovers an outlet for the anger that threatens her marriage. She doesn’t know her target tortures his victims to death. She never imagined he would threaten her life and David’s. Now it’s too [late?] for regrets. To save David, [She actually wants to save her pathetic pedophile-sympathizer husband?] Amber and her friends must ignore the rules and eliminate the killer before David discovers their secret. [I would think eliminating the killer before he kills them would be stronger motivation than eliminating him before David discovers their secret.]

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES is currently the #1 all-time favorite on HarperCollin’s authonomy® website. [That's like saying, When the opening of my novel appeared on Evil Editor's website it got more positive comments than any other New Beginning.] [Also, that should be "HarperCollins's".] [Also, this leads one to wonder why HarperCollins hasn't snapped it up.] Hollywood screenwriter Michael Grais (“Poltergeist” and Stephen King’s “Sleepwalker”) says, “This brave novel goes beyond ‘Dexter’ and ‘Death Wish’ and asks whether vigilantism is ever right. Great movie potential.” [Not clear why a Hollywood screenwriter is being quoted. You can worry about film rights later, or adapt it into a screenplay, but whether it would make a good movie isn't going to matter at this stage of the game.] Scenes from the novel have won two contests sponsored by the Canada Council for the Arts and BC Arts Council in the literary and crime fiction categories.

For the many parents who worry about their children’s safety, IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES explores their fantasies of vigilante justice. For me, a corporate lawyer, vigilantes are the stuff of thought-provoking novels. EPIPHANIES, my book on the fiction-writing craft, will be published early in 2010 by AMADIS Publishing LLC (website under construction.) [Actually, your qualifications to write a book on the fiction-writing craft would make better credits than the fact that you wrote one.]

I have attached the first chapter of my novel and inserted it following this query in case you prefer not to open attachments.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

What exactly is threatening Amber's marriage? Her husband's refusal to take the law into his own hands?

I found the perfect murder discussion the most interesting part. Maybe you should open with something like: Over dinner and laughter, three women devise a formula for committing the perfect murder--little realizing they'll soon have a need for that formula.

After that you can tell us who the women are, and it won't feel so much like a list of unrelated items.

Unless you bring up how the veterinarian's guilt and the car dealer's lack of it affect the murder plot, you can leave that out and just identify them by occupation or as Amber's friends. Those tidbits feel like random facts as presented.

Success Story

Robin S.'s short short story "Playing Pretend" has been published in Wilderness House Literary Review.

Here's the piece.

The opening appeared here as New Beginning 549.

Cartoon 485

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 691

Moonlight shined through a paper window, dimly lighting a small room. Mina rested peacefully on top of her tattered sheets, listening to the waves crash against a pebbled beach outside. She could hear the stones jostling under each wave--a relaxing sound that was her favorite lullaby--and her mind vacillated between sleeping and waking. She began to dream of her mother. Did her mother fall asleep to the same lullaby?

Something felt strange. Mina’s eyes fluttered open and the world around her appeared hazy. She sensed something. Perhaps she was partially dreaming--No. Someone was in the room with her. Her vision came into focus and she looked toward the doorway. A decrepit old woman was there. The crone’s eyes were hollow. Its dress was covered in shadow and its grey skin was translucent. As it glided towards Mina, its feet dragged, rhythmically thumping over cracks in the floorboards.

The woman stood, bent over, by Mina's bed. Her breath rasped in her lungs, sending a dry stench across Mina's face. "Are you awake, child?"

"Of course I'm awake," she replied. "Nobody likes reading a story where someone wakes from a dream."

"Don't I know it, child," the crone chuckled. "You should hear what they say about waking up to a stranger in the room."

"And if the room just happens to be white?" Mina added.

Their laughter was nearly audible over the jostling pebbles.


Opening: Matthew.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 484

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 679

Guess the Plot

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum

1. When Zach Kalusky and his team of paranormal investigators inspect Rosewood Asylum, another crew, the Demon Hunters is inspecting it at the same time. Now Zach has bigger problems than ghosts--what if the Demon Hunters discover that he's possessed?

2. The new asylum director believes even psychotics can contribute to the community, and what better way than hosting a Halloween haunted house for the kiddies? The inmates take up the idea with gusto, but the director has second thoughts when chain saws go missing from the maintenance shed.

3. At the Rosewood Asylum, psychic investigator Dan Lomas discovers the Grey Lady (who sits in a corner and drools), the Bald Man (who sits in a corner and drools) and the sinister Gaunt Figure (who drools and sits in a corner). Apparently, botched lobotomies result in really dull ghosts.

4. When she finally gets her dream job as madhouse administrator, Phillis Chimpski has nightly dreams about terrifying ghosts. She soon becomes so irrational and hysterical Dr. Bromer ties her in a straitjacket and locks her in that tiny room in the basement . . . with all her predecessors.

5. Twinkie Jones never heard of Great Uncle Waldo until she inherited his estate. She moves to Rosewood anyway, for her musical career. But that's a flop and she can't even sell the house. What to do? Haunted tours, seances, and mystery parties help her make ends meet--until the real ghosts appear and demand a shocking sacrifice.

6. Rosewood Asylum burned down eleven years ago killing everyone inside. Lindon Fairway buys the ruins to conduct paranormal research, and discovers the inmates weren't crazy; but the people who put them there were -- and now they know that he knows.


Original Version

Ghosts of Rosewood Asylum:
Xavier Paranormal Investigators Case History [If you're planning a series of books about these investigators, maybe you should give the case history a number. Maybe #663 so your series can build toward #666. If it's not a series, I'd dump the subtitle.]

What Sci-D TV doesn’t know about its lead paranormal investigator, Zach Kalusky, is that he’s possessed.

Exploring the most haunted site in Chicago, the place Zach has wanted to inspect for years, comes with a catch. When the network forces Xavier Paranormal Investigators to partner with the more dramatic but less ethical, Demon Hunters, there’s sure to be conflict. Zach’s group of college science geeks square off against the showy Goth freaks. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity, [What is "the show"? If it's the Halloween special, you haven't mentioned that yet. Is Xavier Paranormal Investigators the name of a TV show, or the name of Zach's team? Is Demon Hunters the name of a TV show, or just the name of the other team?] and butts heads almost immediately with his rival host. While investigating Rosewood Asylum for a Halloween special, the teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either show has previously documented. [That sentence belongs with the next paragraph.]

But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking towards the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach deals with conflicted feelings over his own possession, he pushes himself and his team to uncover the truth about the haunting. Once its secret is uncovered, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—not to mention the surrounding historic neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat to survival. Zach must protect innocents from the asylum’s demons, while coming to grips with the skeletons in his own closet. [That sentence sounds anticlimactic after the previous one, which is a better wrap-up.]


Revised Version

Zach Kalusky, paranormal investigator and host of Sci-D TV's ________________, plans to explore the most haunted site in Chicago for a Halloween special. But there's a catch: the network insists that Zach's team partner with the more dramatic--but less ethical--Demon Hunters. Zach must fight for the show’s integrity while trying to protect a secret: that he, himself, is possessed.

While investigating Rosewood Asylum, the two teams experience more tangible paranormal activity than either has previously documented. But are the occurrences authentic or staged? Even members of Zach’s team are not above suspicion of sabotage.

With the clock ticking toward the show’s deadline, it becomes clear that Rosewood’s actual history differs vastly from the written record. As Zach pushes his team to uncover the truth about the haunting, an outburst of supernatural activity threatens the lives of investigators—as well as the surrounding neighborhood. Now, science and entertainment must take a backseat . . . to survival.


Notes

As the author described this as his "pitch" I won't quibble over the fact that it is a brief synopsis and not quite a query letter, but even a pitch should indicate how long the novel is.

The only reason the Demon Hunters need to be in the plot summary is because they threaten to expose Zach's possession. We don't need to know that they are goth freaks and it's already implied that they will butt heads with Zach. Which is why I shortened that portion.

I also removed the part about Zach's conflicted feelings, which doesn't sound like something he will care about when he's experiencing more paranormal activity than ever before.

I don't think it's a problem that you don't hint at what the secret is, but it wouldn't hurt if you did.

Cartoon 483

Caption: Paul Penna

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.