Face-Lift 422

Guess the Plot

Double Star Illusions

1. Unknown to Dak, his twin brother Jak impersonates him on a mission to Froma IV. When the spaceship doesn't return, Dak leads a team to learn what happened, but he doesn't return either, so his son Del heads into space to investigate. Or . . . is it Del's twin brother Mel?

2. Castor and Pollux: are they two innocent twinkling lights in the night sky, or the masterminds behind the nefarious mind-control plot known as The Gemini Project?

3. Astronomer Gus van Brozel is about to go public with a discovery that will rock the cosmos: a mirror-image universe existing slightly to the left of our own. But first he’ll have to deal with his uber-bitch wife, who mocks his life’s work and won’t get off his ass about his constant drinking.

4. They say that when a boxer takes a jab to the head, another star is born. When aspiring welterweight Ivan Borstman takes two hits, a new binary constellation forms and gives form to the evil sorcerer Guanciale, destined to rip planets apart and devour stars whole.

5. Astronaut Hans Tremolo has a hidden drinking problem. When he charts a course for the binary star in the Crab Nebula, he discovers too late that he's seeing Double Star Illusions and his crew is headed for disaster. Can rocket scientist Kiki LeCannes rescue the ship and sober up the drunken captain before they're all space ghosts?

6. Lilith and her twin sister are magicians. Their act has been in Vegas, Chicago, and Buenos Aires. But when a stranger starts stalking them, they realize their cover has been blown, and they'll soon be revealed for what they are: goddesses.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Double Star Illusions is a completed science fiction novel of 185,000 words.

On a perilous StarScout mission to Froma IV, unknown to Dak McCarel, his twin brother Jak, takes his place. [If you're supposed to be at your job at Jiffy Lube at seven A.M., I can see turning off the alarm clock and going back to sleep. But if you're supposed to blast off on a misssion to Froma IV, wouldn't you arrange three wake-up calls, set two alarm clocks, and sleep on a bed of nails? In other words, how can Jak replace Dak without Dak knowing?] Something goes wrong [What?] and “Dak” never returns. Rumors erupt that Dak crossed over to the evil Gadion Faction, allowed his teammates to die, [Allowed them to die? "You guys get out of the spaceship for a while, and then I'll open the hatch and let you back in. No, really, I will."] and stole a great find of Kolobmite ore, the most valuable commodity in explored space. [Why is Dak the team member rumored to have gone bad? Why not Mac or Doc? And why doesn't he just say, "Hey, idiots, it's me, Dak. I missed the flight, I'm still here, so you'll have to find another scapegoat.] With false charges hurled at the once vaunted space explorers, the real Dak assumes Jak’s identity, [I'm just glad they weren't triplets.] and begins a hidden crusade to solve the mystery of his missing brother and regain their honor among the StarScouts.

Eighteen years later, believing that both his father, Dak, and uncle, Jak, are dead, Dak’s son Del begins his own dangerous first steps to become a full-fledged StarScout. However, he does not reveal that he is of the once-renowned McCarel family. Aided by his mentor and four teammates, Del heads “Out There” to battle alien creatures, deadly star world environments, the evil Gadion Faction [Six guys taking on the entire evil Gadion faction? I don't think so.] and hostile extraterrestrials [no need to include both extraterrestrials and alien creatures in your list.] in his quest to prove himself worthy of the title StarScout, and to pursue his own answers to the secrets of Froma IV. [Froma IV sounds like a futuristic soft drink. And the secrets of Froma IV are a dash of Tabasco and a few grains of Kolobmite.]

I welcome the opportunity to send you the complete manuscript and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Notes

If Dak didn't know Jak replaced him, and Dak was supposed to be on the mission, I would expect Dak to have revealed that he wasn't on the mission immediately. Yet enough time passes for rumors of Dak's treason to get started (years, presumably), and Dak still hasn't informed anyone that he never left?

How long does it take to get to Froma IV?

It's a bit short, leaving room to clarify those points that are bothersome.

Are you aware there's a popular video game series called Jak and Daxter?

Success Story

Dear Mr. Evil,

It seems you are my good luck charm. Thanks to you and the minions, another of my novels is on its way to publication. Champagne Books recently accepted my hockey romance, Bad Ice. (Face-Lift 23) Yes, I know you didn't like the title, but I tried the query with the alternate title for a while and then went back to the original. Thanks for the encouragement and advice! Now, I must get back to finishing that darn Basque story.

All The Best,

Chumplet aka Sandra Cormier

p.s.
In case you're interested, this is the final query I went with:

Christina Mackey loves everything about hockey. Except the players.
Left alone and pregnant by an aspiring pro, she vows it'll take more
than a few muscles to change her view on jocks and their exploits.

During a rare visit to a game, she inadvertently foils a murder attempt
by a man who smuggles a gun into the arena. When star winger Jason
Peterson discovers that he was the target, he visits her to thank her.
They strike up a friendship that quickly develops into attraction.

Christina's six-year-old daughter Mishayla immediately accepts him,
prompting Christina to let her heart take the lead, albeit with
caution. She figures he'll soon come to his senses and move on.
Surprisingly, he doesn't. Maybe he's normal after all.

Jason is tired of the dating scene. He'd entertained a succession of
beautiful women since his rookie year, but none were a substitute for
his first relationship, which had ended in tragedy. Christina's gentle
spirit reawakens him, and Mishayla reminds him of the child he could
have had.

Shiela Duffy, Jason's ex-girlfriend, refuses to let him go. He had
ended their tumultuous relationship when she admitted she was involved
with the man who later tried to shoot him.

Her devotion to drugs and alcohol are second only to her obsession with
Jason and his lifestyle. She uses lies, threats and manipulation in
trying to get him back, but with no success. Aware that he is seeing
someone else, she drives herself between them, recklessly putting
Christina and her daughter in peril.

BAD ICE is a contemporary romance set against a hockey background.
Using MS Word count, the manuscript is 75,000 words.

New Beginning 363

The sight of the wrought-iron frame of Cal’s door, grabbed my breath. The cold wood felt hard and unforgiving beneath my lifeless rap. What kind of idiot trembled on the threshold of the last chance to make his dreams come true?

Me, I am that kind of idiot. For no good reason though: in the least, even bill collectors know better than to harass a fool for money he doesn't have.

And if I failed now, there would be no greater fool than I.

A bolt clanged from its rest and the door broke free from its frame.

“How do you fair Mr. Raerdon? Does this exquisite night find you well and undisturbed?” Cal cackled. “I hope time blessed you on your long journey.”

“W-why ... y-yes ... my journey was fine.”

“Good,” his smile showed the razor sharp tips of canine teeth. “I hate to imagine trouble haunted you before your welcomed arrival.”

What haunted me was my host's ghastly visage; I couldn't help staring at those gleaming canines. Cal had lost the lower half of his face in the war, and upon returning to civilian life he'd had a dog's snout transplanted onto his face. I'd never mustered the courage to ask why.

"Don't be frightened," Cal said as I edged away from him. "I won't bite."

Biting wasn't the problem. He had dog breath.


Opening: Kevin Stewart.....Continuation: Lightsmith

Synopses

Some have suggested we begin critiquing synopses. Here are two possible objections:

Many readers come here for the laughs, and as it takes more laughs to punch up a boring 600-word synopsis than a boring 200-word query, I, Evil Editor, would have more work.

A lot of the synopses would be for books whose queries we've already done, which would mean no Guess the Plot.


However, I can set a maximum word length, and if necessary, come up with a new feature. So, the maximum is 400 words. Any more and I delete it.

If this works out great, I may quit doing queries at #500 and just go with synopses. But since we don't know how well this will go, I'm going to provide a window of time during which synopses must be submitted. That way there won't be a continual influx of something I may not want to keep doing. Once I do the first batch I'll decide whether it should be a permanent fixture or an occasional "crap-o-meter" or never seen again.

The window for submitting will be Sunday, 10PM eastern time to Monday, noon eastern time. As with the queries, you won't be identified as the author, though you may come out in the comments. Don't include credits, word count, genre. Just the title and what happens in your book.

Face-Lift 421

Guess the Plot

The Prettiest Little Antichrist

1. Six years ago Marlene was seduced by Satan himself. Now she's readying their daughter Firenza to compete in beauty pageants. But she needs the father's permission. Will she discover that there are some things too horrifying for even Satan?

2. He wore a beard, she was smooth-cheeked. He wore sandals, she wore stilettos. And anything he could do, she could do better. Dueling preachers Jesse and Mary were happily married until one vicious argument over transubstantiation tore them apart. Can Jesse ever apologize enough for calling his wife . . . the Prettiest Little Antichrist?

3. Investigative journalist Shiela Nagig is working on an expose of the child beauty contest circuit when the Archdiocese of Sheboygan hires her to find out why six of their little angels from the Christmas Play have mysteriously disappeared along with a valuable altarpiece.

4. “My daddy’s going to be President,” she said, and somehow she was right. Now the world wonders how someone so dim-witted rose to such heights – twice -- and whether anyone will survive eight years of his blundering. No one suspects that the true engineer of global destruction is not the man in power but the girl in his shadow, and nothing can stop her.

5. When movie director Marcus Bray is told that angelic Annika Angstrom, the child star of his latest film, is the Antichrist, he assumes that means she's a typical Hollywood spoiled brat--until a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. Is a hit movie worth letting Annika achieve dominion over the world?

6. Nine-year-old Ashley-Blanche Carmichael leaves Catholic school to follow her dream of stardom, only to land in the middle of the most bizarre child beauty pageant ever. Can the nuns of St. Wendelyn's keep her from winning the title of . . . The Prettiest Little Antichrist?

7. Dan came prepared to judge the kiddie beauty pageant semi-finals with a full flask of gin and a bottle of Sudafed. But when Little Miss Pittsburgh began spinning her head around and vomiting on the other contestants, he knew he'd found his next Miss Photogenic.


Original Version

Your Evil Majesty:

The Prettiest Little Antichrist is a comic novel that shamelessly rips off lovingly pays tribute to the classic horror film The Omen.

Movie director Marcus Bray is thrilled when child star Annika Angstrom is cast in the lead role of his latest project. Little Annika has enchanted America with her angelic looks and girl-next-door charm. It’s her talent, though, that Marcus values most, specifically her talent for raking in heaping piles of cash.

When a friend mentions that Annika is the Antichrist, Marcus assumes he means “spoiled Hollywood brat.” But Annika literally is the Antichrist, whose ascension will bring forth the Apocalypse. Annika’s true identity is an open secret among Hollywood’s power elite, and while they all agree that this whole ending-the-world business is a bad thing—perhaps even a very bad thing—the bottom line is that Annika sells tickets.

The shoot is a nightmare from the start. Marcus, who’s spent his career terrorizing film crews with his egomaniacal bullying, discovers that Annika is essentially a shorter, prettier version of himself, times ten. The crew delights in watching her repeatedly eviscerate him (only figuratively, at this point). Marcus fantasizes about punching her little lights out, but her gargantuan Rottweiler, Lulubell, is always lurking nearby, staring at him. When Marcus finally tries to quit, his sinister producer warns that it would be suicide. (Marcus: “You mean career suicide, right?” Sinister Producer: “Sure, let’s go with that for now.”)

Then a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. The accidents are revealed to be the work of a renegade Catholic priest trying to shut down the production. The priest tells Marcus that Annika draws her power from the adoration of her fans; the popularity boost she’d receive from the movie’s release would render her unstoppable. After the priest is killed, only Marcus is left to halt Annika’s master plan. The fate of the world hinges on whether he can summon the courage to do the right thing, even if it means sacrificing his career and potentially his life in the process.

The world is screwed.

The Prettiest Little Antichrist is complete at 70,000 words. May I send you the manuscript? I’ve enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your reply.


Notes

Very nice. I didn't even want to interrupt it with my usual cracks.

It might be a bit long. I would rewrite the "accidents" paragraph as so:

Then a series of “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. A renegade priest tells Marcus that Annika draws her power from the adoration of her fans; the popularity boost she’d receive from the movie’s release would render her unstoppable. Marcus realizes that the fate of the world hinges on whether he can summon the will to scrap his whole project, even if it means sacrificing his career.

That saves a couple lines, and from the previous paragraph you can delete: (only figuratively, at this point). Also, the SASE sentence can go.

The only remaining question is whether declaring that the book is an homage to a movie is a good idea. I wasn't bothered in this case, but people write novels set in the world of Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons, and those are instant rejects with most editors. If the Omen references are so obvious it'll sound like you've ripped it off, I guess you have to mention it. If the main similarity is that there's a child antichrist, it's not important to bring it up. If you do keep it, you might consider adding it to your last paragraph, rather than putting it up front.

Since The Omen has its own grisly "accidents," I would hope your "accidents" are of the slapstick variety. You don't want your comedy to morph into the horror novel it's parodying.

Trivia: The Omen is also a book, by the same author as the screenplay (David Seltzer). The book came out first, but was actually a (not totally-faithful) adaptation of the screenplay.

New Beginning 362

He is young, no more than sixteen but quite tall, and should not be in the club, partying the way he is. I can still remember the way he feels, being with the older crowd, getting drunk, letting loose to the pounding music. Now, I understand how dangerous this is. I draw him to me, and he dances his way across the floor to my booth. I am getting better at this; I used to have to go get them.

He slides into the seat across from me, and starts to say something. I shush him. Taking him by the hand, I lead him out of the bar, into the night. It is damp and cool out here, but his warmth provides for all my needs.

Down the street and under an overpass, it is dark and secluded, and I take him there. He is fascinated with me, barely noticing where we are. I let his hot hands into my jacket and under my shirt, and the warmth of his breath on my face takes away my self-control.

I reach for his head, pulling his neck down to me, and his body comes with it, pressing against me. He wants to fuck me, but this is not what I am after. My fangs pierce his fragile skin, and blood wells into my mouth as I put my lips over the wound.

The young body pushing into mine tenses: the shock that always comes when my fangs pierce the flesh of a victim. But this one doesn't swoon and fall limp; he pushes against my grasp, and with unnatural strength I am repulsed.

Angered at a feed interrupted, I look into his face. And I freeze as the dim light catches on fangtips gleaming against his lip. Damn it. He's a vampire too.

"What are you doing?" he demands.

"Dragging idiot kids out of clubs and draining them is my trademark," I tell him.

He snorts. "Well, pretending I want to fuck older women who wear too much makeup is my trademark."

I turn on my heel and clack down the road. Vampires. They're such bitches.


Opening: Starstruck.....Continuation: Lynn

Face-Lift 420

Guess the Plot

Four at Night

1. A collection of four ghostly tales set aboard four 19th-century sailing ships that pass in the night.

2. It wasn't easy being a multiple-bodied, single individual when the sun went down; or so Sharon thought. But then her boyfriend, Stan "the Ironman" Kazinsky got busy.

3. When The Vamps rock band went on the road, they performed at night. They dined at night, and partied at night too. They slept all day. In short, they were like any other rock band

4. Rebecca didn't know if she should reveal to her friend Gareth that she's been dating a vampire. Finally she comes clean, and Gareth reveals that he, too, is a vampire. Also, a couple more vampires. At night.

5. By day he’s a powerful force in the literary world, suave and wealthy and utterly ruthless. But when the sun goes down he becomes a little boy again, afraid of his own shadow. Can his trophy wife put up with the bed-wetting, thumb-sucking and lack of nookie when her fortyish sugar daddy becomes … four at night?

6. Running low on cash after being downsized, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse resort to performing in an all-male burlesque show ("Hung Like Horsemen"), but the show fails to develop any word of mouth because the entire audience dies every night.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am seeking representation for my novel, Four at Night, an urban fantasy complete at 130,000 words.

After a good deed turns into a near fatal mistake, marathoner Rebecca Hanson discovers four vampire brothers living in a quiet Baltimore suburb. [Not specified what the good deed or mistake are, and thus why they're even mentioned.] [Of course it's easy enough to guess that the midnight marathon is winding through Glen Burnie when a woman suggests to her son that he provide the runners with Gatorade, but the kid thinks she means gator aid and releases several alligators onto the course, which leads to a lot of bleeding from chomped limbs, attracting the four vampires, but if you're not going to spell it out, best not to bring it up at all.] Far from undead, these living creatures thrive on contact with humans, and can sense and manipulate emotion through touch. Willing to protect their secret, she finds a budding romance with Christopher, the youngest of the four. [You happen upon a quartet of creatures who must drink human blood to stay alive, and you can't resist getting romantically involved with one of them?] [She must be on the rebound. After her breakup with a weredingo.] As their relationship deepens, Rebecca learns that she is one of few humans who can mentally link with the vampires and temporarily share their abilities—their strength, their rapid healing, and their ability to [pronounce their "w"s as "v"s.] control feeling—without their drive for blood. [That rapid healing will come in handy when their drive for blood leaves her anemic.]

But Christopher and his brothers have fallen under attack from a new, more powerful vampire with a hidden goal. As the threats to his brothers prove progressively more deadly, [If that's "deadly" meaning "causing death," I'm not sure how many progressive levels there are.] Christopher is forced to abandon his relationship to protect his family. Hurt and bewildered by his sudden rejection, [It's bad enough when you can't keep a boyfriend, but when a vampire dumps you, before he's even drunk your blood . . . Maybe you have garlic breath.] Rebecca seeks and finds friendship with her new running partner, the ever charming Gareth.

When her trusted friend reveals himself to be the terrifying new vampire, [What a coincidence.] [When your sweetheart and your trusted friend both turn out to be vampires, maybe it's time to get a mentor, someone to help you make better choices. Preferably a mentor who's human.] [It must be tough breaking it to someone who trusts you that you're a vampire:

Gareth: (gasping) I'm dying. We should have stopped after 10K.

Rebecca: Here, drink some of my water.

Gareth: Never touch the stuff . . . Mind if I tap into your carotid artery?]

Rebecca must fight for her life and the brothers' survival with everything she has—including her newfound ability. But when Gareth tells her his real reasons for coming to Baltimore [--to participate in the Cab Calloway Vocal Competition]--she must make some serious decisions about who truly needs help, who can be trusted, and who the true villain really is. [I don't think I want her making serious decisions about anything.]

Thank you for your consideration. Should you have any interest, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,


Notes

There should be three vampire brothers. Literary groups are always threes. Take the biblical characters, Shadrach, Meshach and Horshack. Or The Three Musketeers (Athos, Porthos and Abednego). Even though there was eventually a fourth musketeer (Shemp) the title was still three. Three Amigos. Three Men and a Baby. Maybe your title should be Three Vamps and a Babe. Four at Night isn't grabbing me.

Something about how manipulating emotion pays off might be nice. Is that how Christopher gets Rebecca to fall for him?

The plot doesn't sound like 130,000 words worth. Maybe it should be cut to 100,000. Or is there really important stuff going on that you haven't told us about?

New Beginning 361

The amusement park springs to life. Flashing lights tease, begging me to look. Bells and horns. Toy rifles popping off at metal ducks. Balls hitting bottles. Coins bouncing off plates. Squeals of delighted fear as the swings swish by overhead. The sounds fill my ears. And the smells – sawdust under our feet, hot dirty oil of the rides, competing aromas of popcorn and cotton candy, blending into a peculiar lure my stomach isn’t sure it wants.

Dad gives me a slow, brown-eyed wink. Smiling, he points at the cotton candy. I nod. One quick jerk. Can’t be too excited. That’s not cool. He squeezes my shoulder as we head over to where colored sugar is spun into a cloud on a white paper stick. Grinning, he holds it high overhead. The little girl game. I’m too old to play, but I smile. He smiles back and takes a big teasing bite. Pink fluff speckles his black mustache, clings to the stubble on his chin. A wet drop of dark pink leaps from the corner of his mouth, disappears into the sawdust to be trampled by the crowd.


The last fleeting spasms of ecstasy are shooting through me when a tinny voice crackles, "Time's up. How was it?"

The amusement park winks out as I remove the VR goggles. "Close," I reply. "Real close, Frankie." I'm careful not to disconnect any of the sensors attached to my naked body. "Maybe something a little edgier. Not so much sawdust. And I'd rather be the dad. Can you do that? Better yet, uncle. Make me the uncle. And change the little girl to a boy. Swedish—no, California surfer. Licking a cherry Popsicle."

I close my eyes and replay the last scene in my head. It was all so real. My hands still feel sticky, like they actually had cotton can—

"Oh, and Frankie? I'm gonna need another towel."


Opening: Sarah.....Continuation: blogless_troll

Face-Lift 419

Guess the Plot

Q

1. In a world of living letters, Q crosses time and space to find his one true love and eternal companion . . . U.

2. New Yorker Jessica Floop moves to London, hoping for a new life and a glimpse of Hugh Grant, but instead finds herself thrust into an unintelligible world of spotted dick, bangers and lorries. And never mind trying to figure out where the line is for the Ladies' Room.

3. Tommy's parents always thought it was cute that his favorite letter was Q. But as Tommy approaches puberty, his alphabetic preference becomes an obsession that will take over his life and threaten the entire planet.

4. Quinn embarques on a Quixotic quest to res-q an acquaintance from iniquitous delinquents, but quickly finds himself in a quandary, questioning whether he's quite qooqoo.

5. Roger Swenson, mute since birth, is interrogated by the police in this short story written entirely in questions.

6. The letter Q has been kidnapped by Evil Editor, and writers can no longer send him query letters. It's a welcome respite, but all too brief, as EE's ingenious minions soon inundate him with kwery letters.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

In the spirit of Cervantes’s Don Quixote and Lennox’s The Female Quixote, my young adult novel [has the letter "Q" in its title.] entitled Q follows a troubled young man on a modern-day heroic quest to rescue a fair maiden from perceived threats of bloodthirsty vampires, futuristic assassins, and hedonistic frat boys.

A latch-key kid raised on a steady diet of 1980s movies, [mainly Porky's and Porky's 2, each of which he's seen dozens of times,] 15-year-old Quinn sees danger everywhere. Growing up in Philadelphia, he has long known not to open the front door for anyone, not to take candy from strangers, [When you're fifteen, it's not candy that strangers offer you.] and not to interact with the bums on the subway.

When he witnesses a figure in black climbing into the window of his neighbor and classmate Claire, he begins to suspect that sinister forces have descended upon the city to wage a concentrated assault. His suspicions strengthen when, a few days later, Claire is arrested by the police, or so they appear. [Awkward. ...so it appears or --or were they the police? would be better.] [Also, has Quinn bothered to ask Claire about the figure in black? As she hasn't been killed or kidnaped, he might suspect he was wrong about sinister forces descending.] He must save her from annihilation, eternal damnation, or a fate worse than death. His journey to find and rescue Claire [Has he determined that those weren't the police?] takes him through the mean streets of West Philadelphia, the dank yet heavily populated subway city, the riverfront undergoing mysterious revival, [Why mysterious?] and finally to the massive glass towers that crown the city’s skyline and economy. [Those glass towers are empty. The economy of Philadelphia is based entirely on cheesesteak sandwiches, Tastycakes, and soft pretzels.]

Along the way, Quinn must face core-shaking questions about Claire’s identity and integrity and about his perceptions of the world. The lines between reality and imagination blur, both for Quinn and for the reader. [End that sentence after "blur."] Are those police officers genuinely out to “serve and protect”? Is the innocuous South Street goth club really just for fun? [Ditch that question.] Could the man living in a box along the Parkway really be a master of self-defense, a sage mentor to guide him? Are the dangers really all in Quinn’s mind or could he actually be the city’s savior? [Delete "really."]

Q is complete at 60,000 words.

I have a PhD in English literature with a minor specialization in 18th century British literature. I was also born and raised in Philadelphia. I would be pleased to send a detailed synopsis, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript.

I appreciate your attention and consideration, and an SASE enclosed.


Notes

I like the story and I like the query. I'm not crazy about every paragraph ending with a list; at least hold your lists to three items (the riverfront revival can go). I'd get rid of the list at the end of the first paragraph, and replace "danger" in the second paragraph with "vampires and assassins." Better to mention vampires after mentioning his movie addiction.

Even with a broken leg Jimmy Stewart tried to do something when he thought someone was in danger in the next building. Does Quinn do anything when the black figure goes in Claire's window?

New Beginning 360

I didn't know that I was psychic. Then I started to see things. First it was the gnome, then ghosts, and finally, a disembodied head that talked to me.

My name is Michael Grady, but my friends call me Mick. I'm fourteen years old. I didn't see any weird stuff until I stayed at The Helping Hand Plantation for a few months. Angel, one of my friends there, said that the school was on the between. That's what she called it. She said it was as if the plantation was sitting on top of the Bermuda Triangle. Things crossed over from some other place. Sometimes, like the disappearance of Buddy Knoll, the between just sucked something, or someone into itself as if it was hungry.

Angel said it opened up a lot of possibilities for those who were psychic, and, at the plantation, there were only five of us. There was a teacher, too. But Ms. Rachel Seer kept her visions to herself.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start the story when I arrived at Helping Hand. For me, it was a day in hell.

"Save it for the judge, kid. Let me tell you about my vision. I'm looking at the last person to see Buddy Knoll alive. I'm seeing a fourteen-year-old punk with a bag of weed and a bottle of cheap tequila. And I'm thinking, Sure you saw gnomes and ghosts--who wouldn't when they're ripped out of their gourd? Now put the bottle down, put your hands in the air, and tell me what you did with Buddy's head, kid, or this is gonna be your day in hell."


Opening: ILS.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 418

Guess the Plot

Rise of the Vorare

1. Building an orphanage on an island in the middle of the Vorare River seemed like a good idea--until the rains came. Now the bridge is out, the water's rising, and 400 kids will drown if Captain Stu Marshall can't navigate his nuclear submarine upriver.

2. The last dragon, sets off on a quest to learn why the other dragons disappeared. Along the way, she is besieged by armies of unnatural creatures and sentenced to death by the Vorare. Can one dragon prevent the Vorare from enslaving and eradicating the human race?

3. In 79 AD a wizard defeated the Vorare, a breed of unkillable vampires, by causing Mount Vesuvius to erupt and bury them alive. When volcanologist Duncan Fisk accidentally frees them, can he stop them before they subjugate all humanity?

4. When the creature emerged from the spaceship in his backyard, Dan Grossman knew he probably shouldn't grill and eat it. But it was delicious. Now, unfortunately, all the anti-nausea medicine in the world won't prevent the . . . Rise of the Vorare.

5. The tribes of Gorbrafor have suffered under the yoke of their conquerors for three generations. But an ancient prophecy is being fulfilled, promising the rise of the Vorare, an ancient apocalyptic clan of priestess-warriors.

6. As Mary Witherspoon putters around her garden in Puddleton on Anglesea, she’s not even remotely prepared for the forces of evil soon to be unleashed from their ancient hilltop barrow (the one she’s squatting on top of, in her new flower beds). Will Mary survive the . . . Rise of the Vorare?




Original Version

Attn. Evil Editor:

Already formidable at barely a day old, the dragon Caerulea is the only hope for the world of Coelithia. Malus, the most powerful sorcerer ever to live, is ruthlessly enslaving or eradicating all who oppose his rule. [And pretty much everyone opposes his rule--especially the ruthlessly enslaving and eradicating parts.] Caerulea sets off with only her innate magic, teamwork, and determination to discover why the dragons have vanished and ultimately find a way to defeat the sadistic Vorare Malus. My 95,000-word science-fiction/fantasy novel entitled Rise of the Vorare will appeal to fans of JK Rowling and Christopher Paolini.

Caerulea’s hatching sends out a vast magical disturbance, alerting both friend and foe to her existence. She is pursued by the enormous insect-like Steraspis within minutes of her lonely, confused birth, teaches herself to fly, and comes face-to-face with a mysterious woman more comfortable beneath deep, unfathomable waters than above. [Unnecessary to tell us everything that happens in the book.] Soon she learns that all dragons disappeared many years ago, but whether by annihilation or flight is still widely disputed. [Scholars will argue about anything.] Her journey begins in the company of people from three diverse races: Durand of the Acui, a magical forest people; Dulce, of a magical amphibious race called the Gencalida, and Waring, [a blender.] an Aliquantu, the inventive, clever people who rely upon mechanical ingenuity rather than magic.

[Caerulea: We need to get across these raging rapids. I could fly us across.

Dulce: I can instantaneously get us across with magic.

Durand: So can I.

Waring: With 80 yards of rope, a pulley system, a catapult, a hammer, a bellows, and a winch I can rig up a contraption in three days that'll get us across.

Dulce: Tell me again why we brought MacGyver along?]

Caerulea finds herself immediately set upon by henchmen of the Vorare Malus, constantly forced to battle or flee as she and her companions strive toward the promised haven of safety. [In two paragraphs you've hit us with Vorare, Caerulea, Steraspis, Acui, Gencalida, Aliquantu, and Coelithia. Not to mention Paolini. Think I'll peek at the next query; maybe it's about Bob.]

Before she can face the sorcerer responsible for so much death and destruction, she must survive long enough to learn to use her innate magic without the assistance of her own kind, as well as deal with prejudice [It's so unfair to be prejudiced against dragons just because they occasionally swoop down and burn people alive.] and political factions immersed in their own intrigues. No sooner does she arrive in the protected city of Interius [from the unprotected city of Exterius] than she and the allie nations are called to the aid of the doomed Acui nation, sentenced to death by the Vorare and besieged by armies of unnatural creatures in their very last refuge. Though the battle goes against him, Malus has no intention of ceding defeat. He sets off to where the dragons still exist, secretly imprisoned, their magic systematically stolen; but this time he intends not to take a small portion, but every bit of their elemental magic, killing the dragons in the process. [That plan will never succeed; but then, no one ever accused Malus of forethought.]

May I send you the first 25,000 words [25,000? That's a hundred pages. If I had to read a hundred pages of everything to decide if I was interested, the slush pile would reach from here to Coelithia.] of the manuscript? I have been writing fiction since grade school, and have won awards for poetry and short fiction in high school where I excelled in literature and creative writing. I am impressed with your accomplishments in editing, [in fact, I'm certain some of my favorite books were crap before you salvaged them,] and believe I would be a valuable addition to your client list. [Evil Editor was considering switching from query letters to synopses, but then who would be around to beg authors to delete their credits?]

Thank you for your valuable time and consideration.

Best regards,


Notes

Too much information. The last dragon hatches and sets out to learn why she's the last dragon. She discovers that the evil Vorare wizard Malus has captured the dragons and is using their magic to ruin everything for everyone. Can she save the dragons and defeat Malus? That's your plot. Expand on it with specificity, enough to get it up to ten sentences, max.

Please, oh please, I beg you, get rid of the credits paragraph.

New Beginning 359

Jen balanced atop a small ladder, standing directly on a label that read, “NOT A STEP.” Knowing Jen, she’d taken the warning as a challenge. I stood in the doorway and watched her for a moment without announcing my presence. In one hand Jen held a styrofoam cup filled with black paint and in the other a well-used artist’s paintbrush. She leaned in close to the wall, painting the bangs on a mural of Bettie Page, the famous pin-up girl. Once completed, the mural would cover the entire back wall of our little vintage clothing shop. My gaze shifted from Bettie back to Jen, and I marveled at how Jen somehow managed to look every bit as sexy as Bettie, even without the benefit of a leopard-skin bikini and a whip. In fact, Jen’s outfit was nothing special--just old jeans and a paint-smeared tank top. If I were to wear the same thing I would look like Bertha the lesbian plumber, but Jen looked radiant.

I know what you’re thinking. You're thinking this is about to segue into a long, pointless, self-absorbed naval-gazing extravaganza wherein I reference all kinds of pop culture trash (like Bettie, whom I adore, BTW) and you smile and nod knowingly at the ones you recognize and ignore the ones you don't. You're thinking I'm going to pontificate about clothes and shoes and men and sex and why can't we all have perfect skin and flawless bodies and interesting lives. You're thinking this entire scenario—the daring and gorgeous Jen painting an equally gorgeous image on a wall in a store designed to make women feel gorgeous—is just the setup for a story with some asinine moral lesson, like true beauty comes from within. But most of all, you're wondering what I'm doing in this vintage clothing shop with its Bettie Page mural when I'm a guy and usually shop at Wal-Mart.


Opening: Lightsmith.....Continuation: Khazar-khum/blogless_troll

Face-Lift 417

Guess the Plot

Stealing Ellum

1. Brother Gastric of the Monastery of St. Squibb has difficulties in finding a cheaper substitute for the precious vellum of the illuminated manuscripts - until he meets an entrepreneur with no smarts and a speech defect.

2. Elena wants her rock band, Ellum, to make it big, but Ryan sabotages the band, believing that if Elena becomes famous he'll never be able to convince her to travel from Earth to his home world where she is destined to usher in a new era of peace.

3. When 15-year-old Shondra got pregnant, her mother pressured her to give the baby up. Now she's 19, and nothing will stop her from retaking her baby . . . no matter who she has to kill.

4. Eight-year-ld Billy Mills thiks readig will be easier if he ca get rid f sme f thse esky letters. He's already stle enohpee, but this time he's bud t get caught.

5. Lisa knows that if you go into someone's house and steal all their money, they notice. But if you take a dollar here or a few cents there, they never catch on. She launches her own small crime wave--stealing ellum, or the most diminutive amounts she can. It was going great--until she entered the home of pennypincher Bert the Accountant.

6. When a group of terrorists discover an ancient cache of Ellum, the long-lost source of eternal life, it is up to archaeology student and athiest Paul Neidermeyer to restore the proper order of the universe--by stealing back the Ellum.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am seeking representation for my young adult novel, Stealing Ellum, in which a wannabe rock star discovers that her unearthly heritage, her best friend, and the guitarist she won’t allow herself to fall in love with stand between her and her dream.

Elena Carsen has set a record: she’s been kicked out of six foster homes in the last four years and she’s working on the seventh. She’s struggled to make her band what it is, and she’ll do whatever it takes to be discovered. [The connection between those sentences isn't clear. Has she been kicked out of foster homes because she struggled to make her band what it is? What is it? A Captain and Tennille cover band?] [Now that I've read the rest of the query, whether there's a connection or not you can do without the foster homes sentence.] But there’s one problem: Elena’s old guitarist has gone AWOL and Ryan, her new one…well, he isn’t exactly from around here.

Ryan is [was] sent to Earth to protect Elena. He knows her true identity: she is the sole descendant of a murdered monarch. Sixteen years ago, she was hidden away on Earth so that the Vae – the people responsible for her parents’ deaths – couldn’t find her. Ryan’s assignment should be easy so long as Elena doesn’t draw too much attention to herself. Unfortunately, attention is exactly what Elena wants. [If the Vae are investigating every teenaged Earth girl who draws attention to herself, they'll never get anything else done.]

While Elena works to achieve her dream, Ryan does everything he can to sabotage her efforts. [For instance, he inserts a six-minute Hendrix guitar riff into "Love Will Keep Us Together."] He has to keep her alive and unnoticed until it is time for her to return to his worlds. Elena is heralded as the solution to the violence that has plagued the Dominion since the monarchy’s destruction. [But the plague of violence must continue a few more years before Elena returns and ends it?] Elena is someone to be respected. She’s someone to be admired. And she’s someone who should never, ever be touched – no matter how badly Ryan wants to.

Stealing Ellum is the first book of a trilogy and is complete at 65,000 words. As per the guidelines on your website, I have enclosed the first ten pages of my novel and a SASE. Thank you for taking the time to consider my material.

Sincerely,

[Ellum is the name of Elena’s band.]

Notes

I'd drop the last three sentences of the plot (admired, respected, never, ever touched). They're general, and somehow icky. A better ending would be to combine the two previous sentences:

He must keep her alive and unnoticed until it's time for her to return to his worlds--for only Elena can end the violence that has plagued the Dominion since the monarchy’s destruction.

Shouldn't they have headed for the Dominion by now? Surely it takes more than a few weeks to get to another solar system. How old is Elena supposed to be when she gets back?

Convincing someone to go with me to another solar system is going to be a hard sell. I'd want to stay on her good side. I don't think I'd be sabotaging her hopes and dreams.

Q & A 119

My husband and I are going to a party next month and I just found out a bunch of publishing hotshots will be there including people I want as my agent and my publisher and my editor which would be great except I'm in panic mode because what do I say to someone who holds the key to my future happiness and do I go with the little black dress or the gray suit and should I be humble or confident and what if I faint and fall in the swimming pool and . . . HELP ME EE I'M NOT READY FOR THIS YET!!!

Obviously you won't be peddling your book at a party; you just want to make a memorable impression on anyone you might be writing to in the near future, so that you can open your query letter with something personal like, Remember me? I was the woman who spilled her bloody Mary in your lap at the party last month.

Tips when meeting big-time movers and shakers in publishing:

1. Be yourself.

2. Wear the little black dress. No, the backless one.

3. Leave your husband home.

4. If #3 is impossible, at least tell him to stay on the other side of the room. The last thing you need is him turning the conversation to pro football.

5. Feel free to drop the name Evil Editor if you need some ammunition to clinch the deal.


By the way, a lot of publishing pros attend conventions, at which you have a chance to see them on panels, run into them in elevators etc. Among the most enjoyable are the Romantic Times Booklovers Convention, which moves around, and ReaderCon, near Boston, which is spec-fic but without the Klingons. You don't need to be a romance or spec-fic author to find useful and entertaining activities, and you might make some valuable connections. Agents seldom limit themselves to one genre, so they may attend conventions/workshops of any genre they handle.

My point being, if you get out and meet a few of these people, it won't feel so frightening the next time. And remember, agents and publishers are just working people doing their jobs. Writers are artists, who will be remembered forever, or at least until their books go out of print. So who should really be nervous here?

New Beginning 358

“They never try to get out during the day,” Mr. Cerberus said, lighting a cigarette.

“Um, sir? I’m not a big fan of cigarette smoke. Could you put that out, please?” Kate asked, smiling sweetly.

Mr. Cerberus didn’t smile back. “Still my house,” he said.

Kate nodded, not knowing what to say. Suddenly the kitchen seemed smaller.

“As I was saying,” he said, in a tone of voice that suggested he’d been rudely interrupted. “They never try to get out during the day. The day is when they come to you, in fact. New ones, that is.”

“Really.”

“Yes, really. It’s during the night you have to watch.”

“When am I supposed to sleep?”

“Oh, you’ll get some. I suggest sleeping during the day, late morning, perhaps. Make it in your room so you couldn’t tell the difference. It’s imperative that you keep guard at night. Most of those that get out tend to be harmless, but there’s no telling that until the damage has already been done.

Kate shrugged. She guessed she could figure out a schedule that would work. It's not like there were many other choices in this town, and with her financial problems to deal with, at least the price was right. One thing was certain, though: this was going to be the last time she used Craigslist to find an apartment.


Opening: freddie.....Continuation: Anonymous

Success Stories

Maggie Stiefvater reports that she has sold a YA book, due out Sept '08. Not the book whose query appeared here (Face-Lift 294) and no title given.

Bernita reports that her story "Stone Child" will appear in Weirdly: A Collection of Strange Stories, due to be released by Wild Child Publishing on Sept 18.

Evil Editor reports that we're running low on queries again.

Face-Lift 416

Guess the Plot

Welcome to Midpoint

1. Fred the Grasshopper is in a large room. Every time he leaps, he covers half the distance remaining to the other side. Can he cross the room and save little Polly Cricket before an infinite amount of time passes?

2. It's the place where all the trains leaving Whereverville at 10:55 AM traveling 65 mph and the trains leaving Nowhereville at 11:23 AM traveling 68 mph meet at 12:13 PM. It's also where a bunch of zombies stand around waiting for fresh brains to arrive. Welcome to Midpoint.

3. Midpoint, the domed city, home of the last purebreds. In a galaxy where the human race is slowly disappearing in the gene pool, Midpoint fights to remain genetically pure and free from alien influence.

4. Entrepreneur Chase Bucks proves that location is everything as he sets up a thriving business at the exact midpoint of the Iron Man Triathlon, tempting athletes and spectators alike with energy drinks and specialty coffees.

5. Tired of his menial job on Earth, Lance sets out for Midpoint, a space station located exactly halfway between Earth and Mars, where he hopes for a better life. As it turns out, the only job available is dishwasher.

6. In the 22nd Century, everyone knows the date of their death as well as they know their birth date. No longer afraid to plan for the future, people routinely celebrate their Midpoint with a huge party. But five-year-old Joey isn't enjoying his.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

At 65,000 words, "Welcome to Midpoint" is a Science Fiction novel with elements of mystery and humor. While it lovingly mocks elements of classic juvenile sci-fi, it is intended for a mature audience. [Artemis Fowl 6: The Orgy Masters of Jupiter]

To fulfill his dream of escaping minimum wage jobs in Indiana, Lance Devlin signs an employment contract for Midpoint Station, a refueling outpost that positions itself equidistant from the Earth and Mars. [Sometimes Earth and Mars are on opposite sides of the sun. At these times the midpoint between them would be so close to the sun it would melt, and a point equidistant but on the orbit between them would be so far from either planet as to render the refueling station worthless. Also, Mars moves about 54,000 mph, and it takes about four months to get from Midpoint to Mars. So when leaving Midpoint for Mars, you wouldn't want Midpoint to be directly between Earth and Mars; you'd want it to be a couple hundred million miles ahead of Mars so that you can take the shortest line to the Martian orbit and arrive just as Mars does. Or am I wrong?] He arrives at Midpoint to find the station is obsolete, falling apart and staffed by criminals and misfits. Then he learns his new space job: dishwasher. [The good thing about being a dishwasher in outer space is that when you drop a dish it doesn't fall on the floor. The bad part is the water won't stay in the sink. I know it's bad for the solar system's environment, but I think I'd go with paper plates.]

In addition to the station's other problems, there are almost no women. [Midpoint: the Alaska of refueling stations.] Lance falls for the station's Communications Officer, but despite her being easy, she shows no interest in a lowly dishwasher. [Not when there are criminals and misfits to be had.] Though he has no chance, Lance manages to repeatedly make a fool of himself over her.

Lance does not stay a dishwasher for long. Todd, the station security chief and Lance's high school classmate, promotes Lance to junior security officer in an attempt to fix him up with Todd's high school sweetheart, Janice, who he has recently dumped, as the lower two thirds of his body is cybernetic. [That's why he dumped her?

Lance: I gotta let you go, babe.

Janice: But . . . Why?

Lance: I'm self conscious about the bottom half of my body being a machine.

Janice: Listen, pal, the bottom half of your body is the only reason I didn't dump you six years ago.]

Before Lance settles in as Todd's assistant, Todd dies in what, at first, seems be a recycling accident, [That's the trouble with taking your glass and newspapers to an automated recycling center when two thirds of your body is cybernetic: the sorting machine thinks you're a humongous aluminum can.] but turns out to be murder. To appease and hopefully woo Janice, Lance must solve Todd's murder with the station owner breathing down his neck [A person owns this place?] for a quick resolution, an executive officer bent on locking up Lance in his own brig, and his shifty friends from the station cafeteria trying to help him with his investigation, while helping themselves to the privileges of his position.

As he begins to uncover the mystery, Lance suspects Todd's murder was more than just a random act of violence, and the closer he gets the more dangerous the investigation becomes. Of course, if he's lucky, he may also get the girl… or the other girl.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Either you don't need a refueling station in space because fuel isn't needed much once you get going, or you do need one, in which case it's hard to believe the place would be obsolete and staffed by criminals and misfits. Who's in charge here, Haliburton? Maybe it should be a bordello.

If I owned a refueling station halfway between Mars and Earth, I wouldn't be there, breathing down the neck of the ex-dishwasher. I'd be lying on a beach in Tahiti or in my pleasure dome near Cydonia Mensae.

It sounds funny. If you describe it as a comedy set in space you don't need to worry about the science, but since you call it a Science Fiction novel with elements of mystery and humor, your audience will want the science to be accurate--and it may be, I'm no expert, but with Earth and Mars moving at different speeds, getting an obsolete station to stay equidistant is asking a lot, and as I said earlier, it doesn't seem like staying at the midpoint is best anyway.

I'd drop the paragraph about the communications officer (and, therefore, the words "or the other girl"); there's more plot here than we need, and that's the easiest part to do without.

New Beginning 357

Back on the deserted street, two conflicting thoughts roamed through Noah’s head. The first was a difficulty in cataloguing what had just occurred, arranging the details in an order that made sense. He didn’t know the starting point for when things began to go wrong, the memories jumped around in the order in which they happened: her glowing eyes recalled before her silhouette in the doorway, a frayed edge of tablecloth remembered after the naked image of her on hands and knees, sweat slicked. The only thing he knew for certain was his own guilt in the affair. From punching Louisa to the animalistic encounter with Yasmine, he’d wanted it all, every part of it.

Then, against this, intertwined, lived a very real sense of conquest. She was gorgeous, and he totally bagged her. The plain truth of that could not be denied; he’d fucked Yasmine like a champion, regardless of the violence. Bravado overtook him, the ruling power of testosterone fueling his bluster. Shoes now on his feet, he walked the dirty streets and laid out the twisted details as he would relate them to his friends.

As he walked, a third conflicting thought intruded upon the other two, encompassed him, roamed his synapses, and ultimately saddened him--yes, it had been an incredible evening, one whose memory he would long cherish, but . . . the chances were now slim of him being welcome back in T.G.I. Friday's in the near future.


Opening: Matt.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 415

Guess the Plot

First Flight

1. When the Wright brothers are kidnapped by the Zeppelin Cartel on the eve of their historic flight at Kitty Hawk, Secret Agent Aloysius Ryder must rescue them using only his wits and an arsenal of steam-powered gadgets.

2. Petunia Penguin thinks she's a goose. Her mother taught her the old saying, If at first you don't succeed, so vainly she tries, tries again to achieve her . . . First Flight.

3. Teenager Billy accepts the dare of his high school teammates: he dresses in a superman costume, climbs to the top of the garage, and jumps. In that fateful moment, he discovers his true heritage as the first Nephilim born in 100,000 years. Can Billy lead the fallen angels to redemption? God only knows.

4. Corbin Dooble has studied hard for his pilot's licence. But the plane he has borrowed for his first solo is not exactly what he imagined. Nor did he expect it to be equipped with heat-seeking missiles and a crew of zombies.

5. For young Luigi Limboni, the dream of flight began with a secret notebook of Leonardo da Vinci. But will his first flight also be his last when, as he plummets from the belltower of Santa Maria della Grazie, he realizes there are no wings on the contraption and it must have been a catapult after all?

6. A high school senior, driving her friends to the beach in her minivan, takes a wrong turn near the Oregon coast, and suddenly finds herself in an alternate universe where she's sent to train as a pilot to fight the Nazis, who didn't lose WWII.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Flying an ancient Bristol F.2B Fighter plane wasn’t exactly covered in Meri’s high school education. Of course, her teachers didn’t expect her to end up in an alternate version of 2007 the weekend before her senior year finals. But when she heads out on a beach trip with three of her friends, that’s just what happens – while driving her old minivan towards the Oregon coast, Meri takes the wrong exit and suddenly they’re headed for the gates of a refugee camp in Los Angeles, in a world where the Nazis didn’t lose. [Suddenly Meri is wishing she'd paid more attention in Driver's Ed when they were teaching the three-point turn.]

This alternate United States has no use for more displaced persons. They quickly send Meri and her friends to the British Independents, the only group still fighting the Third Reich. [Hard to imagine the US surrendering to the Nazis . . . Wait a minute, did this happen under Bush/Cheney?] After working on her piloting skills, Meri joins the British Independent Air Force.

[Sorry girls, there's no more room in the refugee camp.

But . . . where can we go? We have no--

Tell you what, there's an opening flying bombing missions against Nazi Germany.]

Life there is too intense to waste time worrying about her distant foster family. [Thus we shouldn't worry about mentioning them in our query.] Soon she’s deep in the world of the British Independents – sleeping in the pilots’ barracks, addicted to flying, and seeing an awful lot of a certain lieutenant. It’s a place where Meri feels completely right for the first time, a place where she has a purpose. [Why haven't we given Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan planes full of bombs? Then they'd be the right kind of role models for our teenaged daughters.]

Then saboteurs strike and Meri is left with a choice: stay and risk her life with the British Independents, or run back to the quasi-safety of the alternate United States, and abandon the cause she’s chosen and the people she loves. [Who offers this choice? How is the second option available? The means of travel between the alternate worlds is known? Does it always involve a minivan? What is it?]

"First Flight" is a 70,000 word YA adventure. I have three YA nonfiction books published: The Diabetes Game (Rewarding Health, 2006), Teen Dream Jobs (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003), and It’s Your Rite (Beyond Words Publishing, 2003). I have been interviewed on NBC’s The Today Show as well as on the national radio show Satellite Sisters.

Please let me know if you would like to see the full manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are Meri and her friends one flight crew? Do they all pilot planes? Do they all find purpose? In short, does the book follow all of them or just Meri?

I like the query, especially if you drop the foster parents. But the tone is lighter in paragraph one than in the rest. I can't tell if it's like Clueless or if it's serious. I prefer it to be humorous; while I'm willing to buy into interdimensional travel, it's hard to swallow a Los Angeles refugee camp administrator shipping four high school girls to Europe to fly bombing raids against Nazis unless it's a comedy. If it's funny, changing the final sentence to something like:

Then Meri is offered a choice: stay and risk her life with the people she loves, or return to her world in time for graduation and the finals of American Idol.

would bring the tone back to the lightness it had in the opening. We don't need to mention the saboteurs, as we have no idea what they sabotaged or why this is crucial in Meri getting a choice. Did they blow something up, creating a temporary wormhole to the alternate world?

New Beginning 356

"Lady Ariashal! You are to be married tomorrow and you still have not finished your dress? You know that is bad luck!"

Ariashal smiled at her old nurse, her blue eyes bright. "No, Nanna, I have not. But see? I will have all the embroidery done soon." She flipped the chemise over.

Her old nurse shook her head. "You know you must not tempt fate like this! This will be your fifth marriage. You cannot start it under a cloud, not unless you want it to end like the others."

Sighing, Ariashal stopped sewing. "I promise you, I do not want that either."

Nanna would not be satisfied. She put the neatly-folded cloak on one of the chairs. "You are lucky to have such a handsome lord as Prince Rhadam to wed. And he is not afraid of your curse! If you do not finish . . . " Her voice trailed off in warning.

"Unless I partake of some victuals, Nanna, I fear I shall succumb to fatigue forthwith."

Nanna bowed. "Of course, my lady, and while you sup I shall busy myself tidying the sewing room."

As Ariashal's footsteps receded Nanna picked up the embroidered dress and set about delicately undoing Ariashal's hours of labor, carefully removing each stitch.

Perhaps Ariashal would never return Nanna's secret feelings, but the notion of some filthy man sharing Ariashal's bed was too much to bear. And if sabotaging the wedding dress failed to prevent the wedding, there was always Plan B: Ariashal's "curse." After all, it had worked four times before . . .


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Lightsmith

Face-Lift 414

Guess the Plot

Penelope's Web

1. The CIA hired entomologist Penelope Thorne as a spy because she claimed to have contacts in every city around the world. What will they do when they discover her contacts are all arachnids?

2. Charlotte’s little daughter has always walked a little on the wild side. Unlike her boring sisters she’d rather hang with the bad elements in the barnyard- the dung beetles, the crickets that play punk, and rats who goose the geese. But when Penelope starts writing curse words in her web, Wilbur decides it is time to put down his hoof.

3. The web of mistrust and deceit surrounding illegal aliens is explored as a teenaged girl compares her job working in a citrus grove to hiding from the Nazis.

4. Virile young men are disappearing near the darkest parts of Daniel Boone National Forest. These men seem to possess only one common trait: marvelously sculpted buttocks. Word has it there’s a coven of witches back in that forest, whose high priestess, Penelope, is actually a policewoman working under cover to free those beautiful buttocks from magic bondage and unmask the sexual suspects in . . . Penelope’s Web.

5. After working in web design for a decade, Penelope is tired of the internet. Between the porn sites and the pop-ups, even Google's lost it's spark. Now that her children are old enough to override every filter she's installed on their laptops, she's determined to develop a viable alternative to the Web, even if it means stealing cutting edge technology from her boss's nemesis, a mildly autistic guru of technology with an exotic monkey obsession.

6. Insanely jealous of her sister’s popularity, Penelope Cavatica plots her revenge: a magnificent web of her own designed to snare her sister’s little piggy friend and hang him upside down from the barn door for all to see. But before Penelope can implement her plan, she’s eaten by a disheveled talking rat.


Original Version

Dear Editor,

María Elena Nuñez, a teenaged migrant farm worker presently working citrus orchards in Florida, befriends a camp school teacher who gives María The Diary of a Young Girl. María feels kinship to Anne Frank, as she reads, drawing parallels to her own life. [Man, picking these damn oranges is like being in Auschwitz.]

The Nuñez family travels with the Delgadoes, including Tomás, who seems as boring as Anne's housemate-in-hiding. María and her older brother Roberto become particularly disheartened when Roberto must quit school to work full days. María feels trapped in the migrant circuit just as Anne is trapped in hiding. She is bored with Tomás [Every time you mention Tomás you tell us he's boring; maybe you should talk about someone interesting.] and refuses to meet others, knowing they soon will go their separate ways.

María's little sister, Juanita, becomes frighteningly ill, [As did Anne Frank's sister Margot, in Bergen-Belsen. Coincidence? Or eerie parallel?] but the family has no money for treatment. Tomás save's Juanita's life by enlisting María's teacher who takes Juanita to her personal doctor. The doctor determines that Juanita has reacted to pesticides, confirmed by soil samples gathered by Tomás.

Now, María sees Tomás differently, and feeling [feels] more hopeful--as Anne had--but is crushed by the sudden, tragic end of Anne's story. While recovering from that shock, the Nuñez family is taken into custody by the [Gestapo] INS, since they are illegals (setting: 1970s). Tomás happens to be with them and is improperly taken since his [yellow star] green card is at home.

Later, Tomás is released and María is about to be returned to Mexico. Can she find the courage that she learned from Anne to overcome this sad turn and work to undo this harm? [Vague. What is the harm that can be undone? Is it courage that's required to undo it?]

Penelope's Web is a middle grades novel of 26,000 words. I hope will want to read the rest of the story. Thank you for your time.


Notes

Who's Penelope? Is this the best title?

A lot of characters to keep track of. The query can do without Roberto.

Does María keep a diary? It would be interesting to see this book written in diary form.7

Every so often someone compares something to Nazi Germany and justifiably takes heat in the press. A Googling of things that have been compared to Nazi Germany brings up 21st-century America, Australia's immigration centers, The British political system, the firing of Don Imus, Israel of today, Michael Moore's films, abortion rights advocates, China, Al Gore's film, tyrannical distribution of soup (on Seinfeld) . . . Godwin's Law

This could work if you subtly let the reader see the parallels between Anne Frank and María. Fear of discovery would feel similar, though the consequences are obviously different. But if you actually point out the parallels through María or a narrator you may take a lot of flak. No need to say "just as Anne is trapped in hiding" in paragraph 2. Or in the book. A thoughtful reader will get it. Just tell María's story; the fact that she's reading Anne Frank's diary should be enough. And maybe it'll inspire middle-graders to read the diary.

New Beginning 355

Once upon a time . . .

Was that how all the stories used to start? After all this time, all this loneliness and solitude he wasn’t sure what he remembered anymore . . . what was real?

Well, once upon a time he had been a man. He remembered that much at least.

Not just a man, but a knight.

Remember that, wretched creature. Hold to that.

A knight you were. The cherished knight of the king himself. The most loved knight in all the land, some said. Respected . . . renowned . . . a darling of the royal court . . . a paragon of virtue . . . a hero . . . And now . . .

Now he was reduced to naught but a beast, trapped forever as a rangy wolf, with only the boundaries of his forest as a buffer from the human world that had cast him off. The forest was now a sanctuary from the wickedness that had imprisoned him in this God-forsaken shape.

All that was good . . . all that was noble, all that was knightly in you is gone.

Still, there are consolations. You can detect the scent of a rabbit from a hundred yards . . . though you cannot wield a sword, your fangs are formidable weapons in their own right . . . and do not discount that other ability . . . that very special ability . . .

He curled up on the forest floor, extended his long, wolfen tongue, and proceeded to bathe his own balls with his hot saliva for the next seven hours.

Yes, there are consolations indeed.


Opening: E.D. Walker.....Continuation: Lightsmith

Face-Lift 413

Guess the Plot

Sands of Stars

1. When Thia and her husband both fall for the same man--one who happens to be two men sharing the same body--an interesting relationship develops. In the desert sands. Under the stars.

2. When a well-known bloggist begs his minions to send fake plots for a title with absolutely no meaning, will they rebel? Or will they cave in like the panty-waisted minions that I--that they are--and concoct some blathering nonsense?

3. Erich Mortensen is outraged when Tom Cruise refuses to give his autograph outside the premiere of Ang Lee's Tom Thumb. Mortensen returns to his lab and devises a way to turn celebrities into stone -- but that's only the beginning.

4. Dr. Dave Bowman steps into space in this long-awaited science fiction sequel. But HAL has been demoted to a housekeeping robot, concerned only with the cleanliness of the starship floors. Will Dave's constant tracking in of debris be his final undoing?

5. Stars don't really have sands, beaches and oceans. But Friendly Bob's real estate business, selling bridges and swampland, has petered out. Can he turn things around with his Proxima Centauri beach condo offering?

6. When lightning strikes sand, it turns to glass. So what might a falling star do? Teenage misfit and beach bum Elly Prickett is about to find out.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

“Sands of Stars” is a romantic fantasy complete at 100,000 words.

Thia refuses to give up on Jeren. She doesn’t care he is a noble of the City and she is a poacher from the Wilds. [Strike one.] She even manages to ignore the fact his mother refers to her as “Jeren’s feral little pet.” [Strike two.] But when she finds him in bed with man on their wedding day, [Strike three, red card, technical foul, penalty box, ejection, game over.]


[Thia: WTF!

Jeren: Thia! Okay, I know this looks bad, but--

Thia: We've been married a half hour!

Jeren: And it's been great. But have you seen the abs on this guy?

Thia: I don't care what his . . . Whoa! Slide over, Romeo.]

her stubborn streak really kicks in.


She spoke the vows and she never goes back on her word. [Stubborn is one thing, but I don't think "for better or for worse" is binding when you find your groom reaming the caterer before the reception's even over.]

Determined to salvage her marriage, she travels with Jeren on his next assignment- envoy to the Prince of the desert country. When Jeren sets his sights on the captain of the Prince’s guard, she resolves to keep her husband out of the captain’s bed- even if she can’t keep Jeren in hers. But the good captain has his own secret: he is not quite human. Instead he is [a weredingo.] two men- Seth and Ryn- sharing one life and one body, whose differing sexual preferences have led them to swear to a life of chastity. [Chastity won't cut it in a romance; go with weredingo.]

As Thia’s marriage continues to deteriorate she finds herself turning to the captain for comfort. She grows closer to Seth, a feat made more challenging as Ryn warms to her husband’s advances. [At the same time?] When Thia finally discovers Seth and Ryn’s secret she realizes she’s done it again- fallen in love with a man who can’t be wholly hers. [Regarding the vows she spoke and will never go back on, I take it there was nothing in them about not falling in love with someone who's not quite human?] But the time is coming for Seth choose between becoming one with Ryn and destroying his other half to claim a life of his own. In the end, part of Seth’s choice rests with Thia. [How come Seth gets to choose? Doesn't Ryn get a vote?]

Will she be able to give up a good man, when she still can’t let go of a bad one? [I think she should dump all three of them and marry a human.]

Thank you for your consideration.

[The title of this WIP comes from settting- most of the story takes place in the desert and the stars are amazing in the desert-- silly but true.]


Notes

Are Seth and Ryn both conscious at the same time? If not, what's the point of the chastity vow? If so, what happens when they both try to talk at the same time, or when they're driving their car and Seth wants to turn right and Ryn wants to turn left?

Will romance readers respect a character who tries to hold together her marriage to a guy who cheated on her on her wedding day? This would concern me.

New Beginning 354

If the tattoo had been there, Samantha Moon would have hit her first target perfectly. She could have gone back to her school and accepted the congratulations and cheers from classmates and proud teachers for a job well done.

And she was pretty positive she had hit the mark with the same professionalism as the older, more experienced assassins.

But the Tattoo wasn’t there. So, of course, that was a huge problem.

Pulling the photograph from her black Gucci handbag, she held it up next to the dead man’s face and studied it carefully. The resemblance was close, real close but no tattoo.

Exasperated, her black high heel tapping impatiently, she pulled her sleek designer cell phone out and punched in the number to the school.

“Downtown.” A slight raspy voice answered the phone on the second ring. The woman on the other end of the phone was named Pearl. She was a long time employee and former teacher of Downtown. She dyed her hair a bright red and smoked Salem Lights 100’s cigarettes. They had once had a cussing contest that lasted all night.

Samantha seized the dead man's two-dollar haircut in one immaculately manicured hand, and turned his cheaply tanned face so she could get a better look at his right cheek.

"Pearl, honey, I need you to run over here," she said, glancing around for a store that sold smokes and wouldn't snap her heels off at the door. "There's a carton of Salems in it if you get here in less than twenty minutes. And bring some ink and a needle."


Opening: Melissa J. Rees.....Continuation: BuffySquirrel

Face-Lift 412

Guess the Plot

I Close My Eyes

1. Insomniacs the world over will hail this manual of simple first-person instructions designed to aid in obtaining a good night's sleep.

2. At the dentist. When I meditate. On the beach. While having sex. When using toilet paper. When driving on the Interstate. In the laundry room. Right after I slump into my grave after spending hours as a Walking Dead.

3. Morgan is thrilled to find that alcohol gets rid of her nightmares and guilt feelings and helps her make new friends. But when she ends up in the emergency room, she joins AA. And, miraculously, her life changes for the worse.

4. Dating Neil, the bass player in a struggling band, hadn't been much fun for Lisa so she moved on. Now they've got a hit song based on Lisa and Neil's breakup. Will she go back to the rock & roll life now that the band is hot?

5. Allyson forgets her broken engagement and moves back to West Virginia to settle her mother's estate. Entranced by the magnificent view from her mother's bedroom, she can't understand why the blinds were always drawn--until she spies her neighbor, Evil Editor, skinny dipping in the moonlight.

6. Katie Mack closes her eyes whenever she sees trouble ahead, like a car rushing toward her, a tree limb falling toward her, a pelican flying overhead. So when West Palm Beach asked Katie to monitor their elections, she closed her eyes and said, "Yes." She hasn't opened them since.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Being a teenager is confusing enough without feeling responsible for her father's death. Morgan accidentally discovers alcohol relieves her feelings of guilt, banishes the nightmares and helps her gain new friends. [Now that's original--a pro-alcohol book.] But it doesn't stop there.

What starts out as a way to feel normal soon becomes the underlying cause of trips to the hospital emergency room, alcoholic blackouts and the resurgence of the nightmares. Her tool for coping with life becomes her biggest life problem. [Now she needs a tool to cope with her tool. Which reminds me of the time I had roaches in my house and someone told me that rats eat roaches. So I brought in some rats, and they did eat the roaches, but then I couldn't get rid of the rats, so I brought in some king cobras. Which worked fine, but . . . well, to make a long story short, does anyone know how to get rid of mongooses?]

Morgan reluctantly agrees to attend AA meetings. The nightmares get worse, [Hey, reading the 12 steps is enough to give anyone nightmares.] her best friend attempts suicide and Morgan's feelings of guilt return. [Now that's original--an anti-AA book.] Should she kill herself, drink again or choose sobriety by attending AA and doing what is suggested at the meetings? [She's already trying AA, I thought. Doesn't she have a sponsor to help her answer this question?] [In view of the benefits of AA so far, I would hope she comes up with a fourth choice.]

I am seeking representation for I Close My Eyes, a 20,650 word YA novel. It is loosely based on my own experiences as a teenage alcoholic. It explores what life looks like from inside the head of a teenage alcoholic from the first drink, through the insanity of alcoholism to recovery, relapse and the choices a recovering alcoholic faces. [The reason it's such a short book is because I don't remember three fourths of what went on back then.]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

Notes

This is too short to be called a novel. It'll probably be about 80 pages. If you can't remember anything else interesting, try making something up. Novels are supposedly fiction, after all.

You must explain why she feels guilty about her father's death. There's a big difference between leaving her roller skate at the top of the staircase and emptying a Glock into his head while he sleeps.

Morgan is a teen with a drinking problem is all this amounts to. Some more plot would be nice. Is she in the hospital because of a car accident? Liver transplant? Is there another key character you can bring in?

Writing Exercise Results

The task was to come up with amusing publishing-related concepts that have no dictionary representation, and provide it.



Biblioenvy - A jealousy disorder that strikes unpublished writers when other unpublished writers score a book deal--whoever

Brain-dud - the state of not realizing the cleverest scene in your novel actually means nothing--Dave

Countarrhea - A condition that causes the writer to uncontrollably spew words onto the page, resulting in excessive word count; usually accompanied by . . .

Countstipation - the inability to trim said word count--whoever

Dimquery - the act of sending a perfectly written query letter in an envelope addressed to the wrong person--Smidly

Disputatious Scribbler - a writer who argues with criticism--Dave

Evimageditor - one who turns a sloppy hack into a world renowned laureate of the written word through ridicule and instructive laughter--Smidly

Hooker - opening line of a query soliciting an agent--Church Lady

Hot-bloggtic - being very well-received on all writer blogs and yet unable to wow an editor/agent in real life--Smidly

Insuffishink - The inevitable condition of a printer that's been told to print your entire novel, such that when you return to the room, all but four pages are too light, and must be reprinted--EE

Masqueriade - a query pretending to represent a good manuscript--Church Lady

Mass Market - book marketing relying mostly on prayer--Bill Highsmith

Mystake - the fatal flaw in a mystery's "perfect crime"--Bill Highsmith

Nillage - the prospects for getting an agent--Bill Highsmith

No-one de plume - a literary nobody--Bill Highsmith

OCD Submitter - an author who dusts the returned pages of his manuscript for fingerprints to determine how far the editor actually read--EE

Paleo-Lingo - overuse of archaic words and phrases--Dave

Picky-wiki-poo-poo-ka-ka - an overambitious critique that covers every word, phrase, sentence and paragraph and in its detail becomes useless to the author--Dave

Plotstic explosives - holes in a plot, usually found by wormy little readers with no life--Bill Highsmith

Powawoogie-Sepharownsis-Alienitis Syndrome - using weird, strange, long, and unpronounceable alien names in science fiction--Dave

Prolongue - a novella-length prologue--Bill Highsmith

Pubic Library - adult lit section of a bookstore--Bill Highsmith

Queranality - retyping your query six times, each time making one inconsequential change, in the fear that the recipient is as hard-nosed as you are anal--EE

Querialization - the act of sending out a batch of queries where only the names and addresses of the recipients is changed--Smidly

Querivelocity - the speed with which a plotless and crappy query sails from an editor's/agent's hands into the trashcan--Robin S.

Reampuff - running out of printer paper two pages before your requested manuscript finishes printing--Smidly

Shitique - Taking a dump on someone else's writing because you can--anonymous

Sintax - really bad syntax--Bill Highsmith

Smeerpatania - the sequel to Miss Snark's best-selling novel Rabbitania--Church Lady

Snarkilism - the ability to entertain, correct, and destroy an aspiring writer in five words or less--Smidly

Snubplot - a bad book review--Bill Highsmith

Sploogiferous-Scenarificus - a love scene that wanders into the realm of pornography with its exuberant descriptions of the sex act--Dave

St. Vitis Manuscript Syndrome - the inability to do without a weekly email from an agent--Dave

Stubplot - a barely detectable storyline--Bill Highsmith

Submission Guy Lines - Elaborate rules surrounding the process of becoming published, which, like the ones outside a tent, you know are there, but you trip over them anyway--ME

Sudoquerious - Unable to resist playing online Sudoku when you haven't looked at the slush pile in eight months--EE

Synapsis - Jangled nerves, often caused by the realization that the synopsis you sent off sucks--EE

Synopshit - a summary of your latest novel--Church Lady

Title-Tattle - book title that gives away the plot--Bill Highsmith

Typesmead - the ability to think faster than your fingers can type--Smidly

Unpubbedelusion - the firm belief of unpublished writers that their own first novel is better than any of the published dreck on the shelves--whoever

WordPrefect - a snotty-nosed editor--Bill Highsmith

Xenoblarney - made-up alien words, esp. in SF--Bill Highsmith

Youphony - an agreeable-sounding but deceptive character--Bill Highsmith

New Beginning 353

Germania.

All the daylight hours, we laid track, slicing woods and farmland indiscriminately with the metal rails. Up hill, down hill, we sweated through the last of a hot summer and into the start of a muggy autumn. In the Emperor's name.

As we eased into the rhythm, we got better at calculating where the camp at which we'd end the day's work should be built. After the first sevenday, we didn't waste any more daylight, or work cursing by torchlight.

Forts sprang up at the trackside. The boys of the legion ran to and fro with water for the men. Dust from the ballast coated everyone and everything grey. The ground boomed as gangs cleared trees from our path and fires burnt night and day. Our mouths tasted of metal.

The spikers sang as they worked; we bolters could not find songs to match our rhythm.

Thomas and I joined rails together.

Hot and dry one noonday we paused as a lad brought us water, a scrawny, ill-favored youth, constantly sweeping wisps of black hair from his brow. "A doomed enterprise," he informed us, indicating the length of rails we'd been laying. "In the future it shall be obsolete."

"Oh? Enlighten us, great seer."

Taking no note of Thomas's sarcasm, the boy continued: "Travelers will not be bound by inflexible strips of iron; they will proceed to their destinations freely, upon wide ribbons of stone as smooth as polished marble. Nor will they be slaves to prearranged schedules, but shall control their individualized, self-powered conveyances. People wagons, they shall be called, and the passageways auto-courses!"

Thomas winked at me. "And how shall this all come to pass, my sage?"

"I shall make it happen!" the boy proclaimed, and for an instant we were struck by a sudden aura of authority that seemed to emanate from him.

With a visible effort, Thomas managed to contain his mirth. "And by what name shall we know you, O great leader?"

Straightening himself and raising his chin, the boy declared, "My name is Adolf!"

Thomas shook his head as the boy trooped off. "May the fates preserve us from the day Germania must find its leaders at the local madhouse."


Opening: Sqrl.....Continuation: Paul Penna