Face-Lift 1557

Guess the Plot

The Secret Team

1. Murdock Finch's company has gone down a few too many rabbit holes of corporate espionage. When he's assigned to a new team, he can't figure out who else is on it, where it meets, or what it does. Consequently he hasn't been to any meetings or done any work for three months and is still getting paid. Should he listen to his paranoia or just enjoy it?

2. After winning the Super Bowl, the Seattle Seahawks are preparing to attend a victory parade. when they're told they must beat one more team to be league champions, a team of mask-wearing players whose identity will not be revealed.

3. A witch, a werewolf, and a vampire walk into a bar team up to save their country from a murderous conspiracy, in hopes that they'll become famous and the country will stop hating them. They do become famous.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT], 

 I’m seeking representation for my debut novel THE SECRET TEAM: CADAVERS AND CONSPIRACIES, a 173k word YA Fantasy/Mystery with series potential. [You don't see a lot of novels with colons in the title. Is that the name of the series and the title of book 1? Also, at 173,000 words, it's already a series. Consider the number of trees that will have to die to get your book printed. Think about the agent's reaction. She has the option of spending two weeks reading your book while falling behind on her other tasks, or of just cutting and pasting an email rejection that says it's not right for her list, but it's a subjective business, and someone else may feel differently. Which would you choose?] It will appeal to readers who enjoy high fantasy trappings applied to a modern setting like The Last Dragonslayer by Patricia C. Wrede, [The Last Dragonslayer was written by Jasper Fforde, and is recommended for a somewhat younger audience than you're aiming for.] and an engaging mystery story with fantastical elements like Voyage of the Damned by Frances White. 

The year is 1994 in the country of Narthix, where gods, magic, and monsters are mundane facets of everyday life. Enter Maire Samaras, a goth seventeen-year-old studying divine magic as a cleric of the goddess of secrets, shadows, and mysteries. Maire wants nothing more than to become a career adventurer and reap every ounce of fame, glory, and prestige that comes with the title. To this end, she convinces her mother (an only semi-retired adventurer) to let her tag along with her on a mission to defeat a rogue mage attacking their neighbors. But Maire remains restless even after the mage is successfully disarmed and in custody, especially after a sweep of the crime scene turns up a dagger with an unknown symbol stamped into the blade. [I found this photo of a dagger with an unknown symbol on the blade. I'm pretty sure that's the manufacturer's logo.]

Maire’s convinced there must be a wider plot at play here. If she can solve it before anyone else, then she’ll finally have enough notoriety to apply to an adventurer’s guild. [We solve mysteries and puzzles. Plots, we . . . expose? Crush?]

 Maire’s plan has two glaring weak points. Firstly, adventuring without a license is illegal. Secondly, Narthix is a religiously conservative country that hates and fears the paranormal, [You said that in Narthix, gods, magic, and monsters are mundane facets of everyday life. People usually don't hate and fear mundane facets of their everyday lives.] and Maire is secretly a dhampir (half vampire and half human). If she’s caught while investigating, being thrown in jail is hardly the worst thing that could happen to her. The only people she trusts to assist with her investigation are her two closest friends: a fast-mouthed prodigy witch and a werewolf with plenty of book smarts to back up his strength. [Why are these three living in Narthix? Shouldn't they have moved to Canada?] But all of Maire’s plans get severely complicated when the three of them cross paths with a young paladin who belongs to a monster-hunting cult, because this chance meeting results in an incredibly shaky alliance. The paladin may be haughty, blunt, and self-righteous, but she’s chasing the exact same lead they are. Working together, the four of them start to piece together the existence of a murderous conspiracy lurking beneath Narthix’s capital city. But the more they learn, the more Maire’s forced to ask herself: is chasing personal glory really worth risking her life over?

BIO

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

Why would Maire's mother let her tag along on a mission, knowing it's illegal, and Maire could be punished with worse than jail. I assume mom knows Maire is half vampire, as that would be pretty hard to hide from your mom, even for a goth teen. Sleeping in a coffin would be a dead giveaway.

Are dhampirs, witches, and werewolves considered monsters? Because this monster-hunting paladin seems to have hit the motherlode. 

This is mostly setup. We know where, when, who, but we don't know what happens. If it started something like:

Maire Samaras, a seventeen-year-old dhampir (half vampire, half human) studying divine magic, wants nothing more than to become a famous adventurer. But first she'll have to earn her way into an adventurer's guild. So she teams up with her closest friends, a fast-mouthed witch and a brainy werewolf. Together they set out to bust a murderous conspiracy lurking beneath the capital city.

. . . you'd have room to tell us what the conspirators are up to, how the heroes plan to stop them, what goes wrong, what crucial decision they must make, what will happen if they fail. All while keeping under 300 words.