Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1558 would like feedback on the following version of the query letter:

Dear [agent],

 

Please consider my debut novel: HUNGERS ENTWINED. 90k words. Literary Suspense. Ten intimate, slow-burn character studies explore the sources and consequences of the hungers in our souls. Intricately woven into the backdrop of a sophisticated spy thriller, rapidly unfolding across four intense days.

 

Simone surveils her assets from her secret perch, high above the symphony crowd. She knows them all so well. Months of intricate planning and impeccable grooming have allowed Simone to exploit their true hungers. Mere pawns to be played [pushed? Moved? Promoted?] in the greatest heist of her storied career. Her last ride. It all ends tonight. [Is she a chess player or a cowboy?] 

 

The final scene lays out [lies?] clearly before her eyes. Her deft manipulations have revealed which strings to pull, and when. To wit:

 

• Laurie’s hunger for earth justice has driven her to invent TAMAR, a miraculous cure for global warming [process that transforms deadly greenhouse gases into life-giving water];
• which has fanned Peter’s hunger for entrepreneurial fame, hoping that TAMAR may catapult his startup to untold riches;
• which has tickled Jade’s hunger for erotic adventure, enticing her to pry the secrets of TAMAR from Peter’s gullible patent attorney;
• which has triggered Neil’s hunger for warped redemption, sacrificing his Pentagon career to weaponize TAMAR for a clandestine sale to the Russians;
• which has fueled Jenny’s hunger for revenge, burning her husband Peter, while counter-selling the malevolent TAMAR to the Chinese.

Simone’s orchestration of this complex web of deceit, betrayal, seduction, greed, and blackmail has culminated in a superpower bidding war, for which she stands to claim the ultimate prize. If all goes according to plan tonight, she will win her grand final escapade, hang up her spurs, and ride off into the sunset, with sweet Jade’s loving arms wrapped around her torso.

 

If all goes according to plan.

 

Simone’s perspective is interwoven with the nine remaining portraits to present a rich tapestry, in which each character wrestles with the conflicts spawned by their own hungers. Evoking the eloquently entwined renderings [That's your opinion; let the agent form her own opinion about your renderings.] in Emily St. John Mandel's The Glass Hotel; the time-layered multi-point-of-view reveals of Liz Moore's The God of the Woods; and the exciting international intrigue of Daniel Silva's The Collector.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

It's a big improvement. 

I don't think you need Jade in the query. Seducing a gullible patent attorney isn't likely to satisfy anyone's hunger for erotic adventure. And Simone, who considers the other characters her "assets," doesn't need anyone's arms wrapped around her torso. (I assume Jade is not the "ultimate prize.") Plus, it's a stretch to say without explanation that Jade's seduction of this attorney triggered Neil to commit treason.

In the beginning you say the character studies are woven into a spy thriller. At the end you say they're woven into s tapestry. That's a lot of weaving, especially combined with the entwining of the renderings and the title.

It seems odd that Jenny has access to TAMAR and connections with the Chinese. There's no room here to explain, so it might be better to leave Jenny out of the query too. In the book you have plenty of room to explain the connections. In the query, you don't want the agent assuming there are no reasonable explanations, just to get out of reading your book.