Evil Editor

Guess the Plot

Shell Game

1. What to do when you're dying of boredom on a desert island? Those seashells are good for more than clothing and dinner plates, and bring new interest to the concept of strip poker, or would if Sam and Lisette hadn't drawn a do-not-cross line down the center of said island. Maybe there hadn't been enough rum.

2. A company that researches genetic history of families is using DNA they collect to create clones (shells) which demons use as vessels in their nefarious plan to put one of their own in the White House. Which will be an improvement.

3. Gambling addicted Bob stops on the sidewalk where a guy invites him to guess which shell the pea is under. If he's right he wins a dollar. If he's wrong he loses a dollar. Six hours later, Bob is down 47,000 bucks. 

4. Thanks to global warming, the Cayman Islands shell company that launders the Mafia's ill-gotten gains has gone underwater. In other words, it's sleeping with the fishes.

5. When an American customer at Chez Louis in Paris orders escargot, the chef is horrified to find there are none. Thinking fast, he opens a box of shell-shaped pasta and fills some of them with red grapes. He won't know the difference, he thinks. He's American.

 

Original Version

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, SHELL GAME, a complete adult thriller with speculative elements, at 90,000 words, and told in dual, alternating POVs. It will appeal to fans of high-stakes corporate conspiracy and intricate plotting, such as Joseph Finder’s corporate thrillers and Daniel Suarez’s fusion of tech and speculative elements.

[You can probably get by with this as an opening paragraph:]

I am seeking representation for SHELL GAME, a 90,000-word thriller with speculative elements. It will appeal to fans of  Joseph Finder’s corporate thrillers and Daniel Suarez’s fusions of tech and speculative elements.

Joseph Grant, Senior Vice President at the world’s most powerful social media company, Speculo, has built his career on weaponizing human hatred. [Ah, it's Elon Musk. And he's gonna be annoyed that you made him only a vice president.] Once a nerdy Black Gay kid from Chicago, he is now a kingmaker, running the "Shells" program: an AI-driven social media influencer network that leverages people’s deepest prejudices to manipulate their behavior and secure the upcoming presidential election for Speculo’s founder, Simon Crowley. [ Ah, it's Trump.] [Or Simon Cowell.]

But Joseph’s perfectly constructed life shatters when his close friend, geneticist Aileen Jepson, is murdered on company grounds. A cryptic note left by Aileen sends Joseph on an off-the-books investigation that quickly reveals the horrifying truth: the Shells are not just actors. Speculo is using Aileen's Family Finders DNA database to genetically engineer clones, who are being used as vessels—Shells—for demons with a sinister, ancient agenda. [This is The Omen times 10.] [I sent my DNA to one of those places. Now I gotta worry that someone who looks like me and has my DNA is gonna destroy humanity and I'm gonna get the blame?] 

Meanwhile, Detective Susan Thomas is only one closed case away from achieving the highest homicide clearance rate in Chicago Police history. [12%.] She views the Speculo murder as simply the case that will get her record. [She won't be happy when she sets the record by pinning the murder on me, only to find out it was a demon in an Evil Editor shell.] But to the CPD brass, desperate to manage a PR disaster over police brutality, Susan, an Afro-Latina cop with a spotless record, is the perfect face for their new reality TV show, Windy City Blues. Now, Susan must solve the biggest case of her career while navigating the scrutiny and narrative control of her own department’s media machine. [This has morphed from a corporate thriller to a political thriller to a supernatural thriller to a situation comedy.]

As Election Day looms, Joseph must decide if his newfound redemption [realizes that is worth sacrificing  to destroy the demonic world he unknowingly created [, he must sacrifice everything he built.] [Then he decides the country couldn't be in any worse shape if it were being run by demons.] Simultaneously, Susan must confront whether solving a murder for the camera is [it's] worth trading a meaningful career in law enforcement for the eternal allure of reality TV stardom. 

SHELL GAME has been workshopped at the San Francisco Creative Writing Institute. By day, I work as a political organizer and lobbyist, and when I’m not writing, I can be found at wine tastings and exploring new cities.  [This paragraph won't sway the agent one way or another, and the query's pretty long, so . . . ]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Notes

A well-written query and an intriguing premise. Did you consider dumping Speculo, focusing on Family Finders, and making the low-level geneticist who discovers what's being done with DNA at the company your heroine? She'd be a more sympathetic character than a guy who can't decide whether it's worth letting demons take over the world as long as he's still employed. 

The competition to close the most cases and the reality TV show probably don't need to be in the query. 

One main character is dealing with a demonic world, while the other is investigating a murder. If you can connect these two plots it would help. There's no indication here that Susan and Joseph cooperate on any aspect of either mission.

Chicago homicide detectives generally work in pairs to manage the high volume of work, such as tracking leads, interviewing, and evidence processing. While they are typically assigned partners, they may work with a broader team of investigators. I got that from Google. You probably address it in the book by giving her a partner or saying Susan is so good she doesn't need a partner or this case is so open & shut the CPD doesn't assign her one. 

Google also informs me that there are some business entities known as Speculo. They don't say whether any of them is in business with demons.