Face-Lift 1554

Guess the Plot

Resurgence

1. An ancient supernatural power that was thought to have been lost is back. So of course the government is planning to use it to oppress society. 

2. Zombies! Need I say more?

3. Centuries ago, the Black Plague killed half of the world. Now it's returned to finish the job, and it's up to one biochemist named Bruce to save us all.

Original Version

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for my debut sci-fi/fantasy novel Mythos of Kento: Resurgence, an 85,000-word story for readers of Star Wars: Light of the Jedi and Dune, in which siblings Zeph and Kyra Thunstar—descendants of an ancient warrior group called Kento—inherit Energy, the long-gone supernatural power the world no longer believes exists. [It kind of sounds like you're saying Zeph and Kyra are characters in Dune. Maybe move your comp titles to the end of the query.] Their inheritance, however, comes at dear personal cost.

Discovery of the mythical stone Jenasite triggers a covert government plan to train soldiers in the ancient power of Energy, a force not seen since the Kento warriors of old [ruled the world. (or whatever)]. [You already told us what Energy is, two sentences ago.] The Triad Emperors, leaders of the planet, seek to utilize military force to exert increasingly authoritarian rule over society. [It sounds more like they seek to utilize supernatural power.]

After civil unrest sparks an assassination of government delegates, siblings Zeph and Kyra Thunstar, descendants of ancient Kento, [We already know their last name, that they're siblings, and that they're descendants of ancient Kento, having learned all of this four sentences ago.] are pulled into an emergency response group seeking to ease the dissent. With the help of their friend and unofficial government informant Rytel Gamnar [anagram: martyr angel], they discover the dark connection between the assassinations and the Emperors’ exploitation of Energy. Disgusted by the Emperors’ corruption, Zeph and Kyra seek the knowledge and power of their ancestors to make a stand against the Triad’s oppressive rule.  [You said at the beginning that Zeph and Kyra inherited Energy. But here you're saying the government has Energy, presumably because they found a mythical stone. And Zeph and Kyra are still seeking it. Do they need to also find a mythical stone? Either way, by the time they find Energy, the soldiers will all be trained in it, and our heroes will be outmanned.] [Three of the last four sentences have people seeking. Maybe one or two could be planning or wanting or hoping.] 

Resurgence is the first in the Mythos of Kento series – I am currently on draft 2 of the follow-up Retribution which picks up directly where Resurgence leaves off.

I live in New Jersey with my wife, two kids, and two dogs. I’ve worked for the past fourteen years as a Finance & Analytics professional. My hobbies include running, snowboarding, skateboarding, reading, and amateur stand-up comedy.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Notes

There's not room in a query to say the same things twice. Whether you put the information in an introductory paragraph or in the plot summary is up to you. 

What is the personal cost the inheritance of Energy brings to Zeph and Kyra?

At the end of the query, Zeph and Kyra don't even have Energy. If we're to have any hope for them, they need to get it. If the 2nd and third paragraphs were combined into something like:

With the Triad Emperors, leaders of the planet, utilizing military force to exert increasingly authoritarian rule over society, civil unrest sparks an assassination of government delegates. Zeph and Kyra, recruited to an emergency response team trying to suppress the dissent, uncover evidence of the Emperors’ corruption, and resolve to make a stand against the Triad’s oppressive rule. But to take on the government, they'll need to harness Energy, the long-lost power of their ancestors.

. . . you'll have room to tell us how they acquire Energy and how they plan to use it. This also avoids the agent asking annoying questions like, How are two people with Energy going to defeat an army of soldiers who also have Energy?

Kento is a pretty common Japanese name. A Japanese reader would react to an ancient warrior group called Kento as an American reader would to an ancient warrior group called Bob.