Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1544 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear [Agent], 

I was so pleased to see [_____] on your wishlist, and I’m excited to present you with KISSING EXISTENCE, a multi-POV, nonlinear upmarket novel complete at 67,000 words. It combines the emotional complexity regarding love and memory in Lily King’s HEART THE LOVER; the introspective, nostalgic style of Banana Yoshimoto’s DEAD-END MEMORIES; and the wintry atmosphere of blurred reality within Han Kang’s WE DO NOT PART.

          [I see why you're excited to query this agent, if your book ticks these boxes on her wishlist:

          Fiction 

• multi-POV, nonlinear
• emotional complexity regarding love and memory
• nostalgic style
• wintry atmosphere of blurred reality]

[I'm not a big fan of talking about other people's books before you talk about the one you've written, but I get so many queries that do this, I have to assume someone somewhere has recommended it. Anyway, what's your book about?]

Moka only wants to get through her dull office job and dull life without confronting her deepening isolation. [That's exactly how the plot summary in the previous query (Face-Lift 1550) started. That character got through his deepening isolation by finding an ancient sword that turned him into a superhero. Does Moka also find an ancient sword?] That all changes when she meets Alice, a lively and talkative stranger who quickly—almost too quickly—fills the void in Moka’s life. But shortly after their third encounter, on a cold winter night, Moka comes across a dead body in the snow. It’s Alice. [That was fast. Did they both leave Starbucks at the same time, and Moka stumbles upon Alice's body five minutes later? In other words, it's not clear whether "on a cold winter night" refers to the third encounter or to coming across the body . . . or to both.] [Riddle: What does Moka order when she goes to Starbucks?]

Ruled as a suicide, her death paralyzes Moka, unleashing an even heavier loneliness than before. But when her [Alice's] ghost starts appearing in her [Moka's] kitchen, Moka [she] feels compelled to piece together Alice’s life through those she left behind: a mother, a sister, an ex, a colleague. And as fragments surface—a secret pregnancy, a devastating 9-1-1 call, a bittersweet first love—her attachment only intensifies. 

Before obsession consumes her completely, [Too late.] Moka must learn how to exist with her love for Alice, rather than exist only for it. [The distinction between those two options isn't as obvious as it might be if Alice were alive. And those don't seem to me to be the only options. For instance, she could need to learn how to exist without her love for Alice. Or learn how to exist when she can't walk into her kitchen without worrying that a ghost is suddenly gonna appear.] 

Notes

This is an improvement, thanks to some added specifics. My impression is that Moka is an unbalanced and obsessed character who believes the ghost is appearing to her, though that may be her imagination. Is that what I'm supposed to think? They don't seem to have known each other well enough to justify Moka's actions. (Or the ghost's.)

If someone's daughter or sister Alice recently died, and you approach them saying you want information to help piece together Alice's life, they'd probably just glare at you. Or they might ask who you were to Alice, and when you reply that you barely knew Alice but that Alice's ghost has been hanging out in your kitchen . . . I think that conversation is over.

Does the ghost communicate with Moka? Like, telling her it wasn't suicide, it was murder, and she was killed by her ex and she needs Moka to avenge her death? If Moka knows what the ghost wants from her, it's okay to put that in the query, so we'll understand why the ghost is appearing to Moka instead of to someone she was much closer to.