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Guess the Plot

The Sword of Storms

1. Nearly every fantasy hero needs an enchanted blade in order to overcome evil overlords, right wrongs, and do good. Gale Weatherly's is the Sword of Storms which is a fancy name for a piece of metal that isn't even enchanted. He's starting to wonder if he's really cut out for this hero thing.

2. When his mother is killed by a wyvern, college dropout Mark Bauer recruits a team of wizards and dragons to get vengeance.

3. Thor has his hammer, Wonder Woman has her lasso. Captain America has his shield. But those items pale in comparison to Bob's Sword of Storms, which brings forth thunderstorms. Now if only the lightning would quit striking his sword.

4. Having cheated at cards while playing the gods for preservation of his country, Atolir has one left over that he didn't take out of his sleeve in time. Can he use the Sword of Storms card for good? Or is it a joke by the gods who realized he was cheating to cause him to destroy the country after all?

Original Version

I am seeking representation for my new adult/adult fantasy novel THE SWORD OF STORMS, a 107,000 word contemporary urban fantasy that will appeal to fans of the [such] ancient and evil villains like [as Galbatorix,] in Christopher Paolini's Eragon, the hidden world within our own of Cassandra Clare's City of Bones, or the strong ensemble of Olivia Blake's The Atlas Six. [A bit of internet research suggests that these comp titles may not help your cause, not because they aren't similar to your book, but because they are closer to young adult than adult. Also, it seems they are widely considered derivative and not particularly well-written. They did make lots of money, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Still, the stories of how they came to be published are perhaps as interesting as the books themselves.] [Also, Ms. Blake's first name is Olivie.]

Mark Bauer is a college-dropout, running away from responsibility and life until he runs straight into a new world of magic. However, even there he struggles to escape the crushing weight of his perceived insignificance, [I think it would be normal to feel even more insignificant if you suddenly found yourself in a world of magic. It would be like a benchwarmer on a a little league baseball team suddenly finding himself on the New York Yankees.] until his discovery of an ancient sword gives him the power and chance to become the hero he has dreamt of becoming. [Continuing my analogy, the little league kid finds an ancient baseball bat that will help him become a World Series hero. Actually, I'm starting to think you should abandon your book and write the baseball book, which sounds more realistic.] Now, he must decide between vengeance or keeping a hold on his newfound abilities. [Vengeance? I feel like I missed a step. On the college professors who flunked him out of school?] [Also, what are his newfound abilities? Can he create storms by swinging his ancient sword? I don't think he'll become the hero he always dreamt of being if he goes around causing tornados and floods.]

THE SWORD OF STORMS is a character-driven fantasy taking place [set] in the modern world. [That sentence sounds like either the first sentence of the query or the first sentence of your final paragraph, wrapping things up. Here it's just interrupting the plot summary.] Mark and his new friends, powerful wizards in their own right, are being tormented by the White Wyvern, an ancient beast that has been scheming to overthrow the order of the magical world [This is not striking me as a story taking place in the modern world. For starters, you've already brought up ancient villains, an ancient sword, and an ancient beast. Obviously this isn't Kansas.] and destroy the Dragons, god-like beings that grant chosen few wizards the ability to wield draconic power and authority. The Wyvern has crossed a line, and during an assault on the wizard's [wizards'] stronghold, kills Mark's mother. [What's his mother doing in the wizards' stronghold? Are all the wizards' mothers there? I figured "running away from life" implied getting away from his parents.] With help from the Dragons and his friends, Mark formulates a plan that, although risky, may allow him to enact [exact] revenge and kill the Wyvern for good, but in doing so, he must give up the Sword of the Storm, [It's called the Sword of Storms.] and lose his newfound abilities. [I hope he doesn't lose them before we even find out what they are.]

I am a first-time author from southern Utah with a bachelor's degree in Creative Writing.

Thank you for your time.

Notes

If Mark's newfound abilities include the ability to cut off the wyvern's head with his ancient sword, he probably doesn't need a bunch of Dragons and wizards to assist him. Conversely, the Dragons are god-like beings, and the wizards have draconic power, but together they can't deal with one wyvern unless this college dropout comes up with a plan for them? Reminds me of the old joke, how many dragons and wizards does it take to kill a wyvern? Four dragons, to burn the wyvern to a crisp, two wizards to create a hurricane to put out the fire. And one college dropout to formulate the plan.

When a wannabe hero tries to make his mark with a sword in the modern world . . . well, we all remember how it went in this iconic scene,]

It's pretty convenient that your loser main character happens to "run into" a new world of magic, and that he "discovers" an ancient sword that gives him "abilities." Could anyone have run into this world and discovered this sword? Or is he the chosen one? I mean, Spiderman and Superman and the Flash and the Fantastic Four all have logical explanations for how they got their abilities. Green Lantern didn't just find his ring on the side of the road.

You realize that if Mark gives up the sword and loses his abilities, no one will want to read your sequel in which a college dropout sits around his shabby apartment reminiscing about the day he lived his dream of being Conan the Barbarian?

Killing the wyvern isn't going to end the guilt he rightfully feels for bringing his mother into the wizards' stronghold where she was sure to be killed, so I assume he keeps the sword and his abilities rather than avenge his mother's death?