Thursday, April 04, 2013

Hannah's Tweets

You may have noticed the link to the Hannah Rogers Literary Agency in the sidebar. A few people have submitted entire queries to Hannah Rogers. In some cases these are people who've read the entire site and decided that Hannah is the agent for them. Which is sad. In other cases these are people who are submitting to every lit agent site they can find and don't even look at the site. Which is annoying.

To reduce my exposure to heartbreak and annoyance, I've asked Hannah to make it a bit more difficult to submit to her, so possibly she won't be tweeting anymore. But she's granted me permission to post some of her tweets, which consist of an author's first sentence and Hannah's two cents. Perhaps an agent's point of view will prove instructional to those minions who don't see how anyone can reject a manuscript after reading only one sentence.

If days were trains, this one would have been lying at the bottom of a ravine. (K) If openings were logs, that one would be in my fireplace.

It's over. (P) For once I can say this with certainty: you're starting in the wrong place. 

Armageddon began with a cup of coffee. (DJC) I had forgotten Starbucks prime directive: If Satan comes in, serve him decaf.

It was a stately room. (Anon.) Specifically, it was shaped like Colorado.

I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw him. (D) No one had told me Evil Editor would be attending my sweet sixteen slumber party.

The day I learned my twin sister was a vampire, I was shocked. (JR) Then it hit me: finally, I had an excuse to put a stake thru her heart.

I could not believe it. (anon.) So you wrote a novel about it, and you'll be highly offended if I say, "Sorry, didn't find it believable."

The big Dutch boy wanted to fight about the ship's name again. (SM) We showed him the name, printed on the stern. That settled that.

He was a man of terror and reveled in his ability to cause fear. (JD) But he was the most famous editor in the world, so we had to take it.

"Tell me you're kidding." (DJC) "Nope, I've got you a seven-figure contract and I sold film rights . . . Okay, okay, I'm kidding."

As Leisha disembarked, the hot desert wind hit her like an anvil. (S) She took a deep breath and blew it out like a category 5 hurricane.

“What brings you to Mobile?” (L) The only believable response to that question: "My GPS malfunctioned."

She’d grown to expect it. (K) And yet it still shocked her when the 1st sentence of a manuscript had two pronouns with no antecedents.

The man bore down on me, leering with yellow teeth. (CP) And chomping with bloodshot eyes.

She was a force of nature steaming through the mall. (MM) I made a mental note never to get between her and Mrs. Fields.

“Your drug induced coma is the anteroom to my reality." (WM) And your Huh?-inducing opening sentence is the foyer to my nightmare.

Kincaid rode behind the sheep. (W) I'm torn between wanting to know what you mean by "rode" . . . and NOT wanting to know.

The room lit up as the Pope walked in. (R) Immediately Cardinal Vespaci knew he would catch hell for inviting paparazzi to the conclave.

The vault's alarm spoke: "Fa-oop fa-oop, fa-oop." (DF) Reading that is almost as annoying as listening to it.

I wish I didn’t have to tell my story in the first-person. (RLW) Sorry, but it's pretty much industry standard for autobiographies.

It wasn’t crowded in The Regulator Bookshop. (Anon.) Apparently, news that Evil Editor would be reading from Novel Deviations hadn't spread.

In your minds, you are all special. (P) That's because the publishing industry would grind to a halt without us . . . in our minds.

"I love you," Andi said very clearly, looking right up into his brown eyes. (SD) "I'm so glad I put up this ceiling mirror," he added.

In this business, every once in a while, you meet a woman who's a class act. (DJC) Thanks.

I didn't know that I was psychic. (ILS) Which, now that I think about it, should have been the first clue that I wasn't.

Some say stasis dreams are as close as the human mind can come to a vision of Heaven. (G) I say it's a pint of Cherry Garcia.

I had my nightmare again last night. (JAS) Me too. Mine was the one where yet another author opens by telling me about her dream. And yours?

"Shit!" (DJC) I'm a traditionalist; I prefer that you give the title and word count BEFORE the genre.

The dame had finally come unhinged. (R) Hey, YOU try working a job where you do all the work and get 15% of the take.

On impulse, Jerel gathered the mage close. (P) On impulse, I turned on the shredder.

I retched, and gagged, and heaved more liquid out of myself. (BS) Week-old burrito or erotic romance slush?

I let the gun rest on my limp dick. (EST) No need to tell us it's limp. If there's a gun anywhere near it, it's limp.

"You're going to wear that page out, you know." (MD) Dialogue between two senators?

It’s amazing how you take oxygen for granted until you don’t have any. (RS) True, if you replace "amazing" with "perfectly understandable."

There was no violence until the very end of the journey. (anon.) Sorry, try again. And this time, start at the end of the journey.

The Nightmare Man came today. (TLB) The Nightmare Man comes EVERY day. Although we agents call him the mailman.

"What the hell was that?" (RDV) What the hell was THAT?

Ventriloquism school has only one rule: don't fall in love with the dummy. (WT) That's also the only rule on Evil Editor's blog.

I have a perfect mouth, at least according to my dentist, AKA my dad, AKA Dr. Dad. (JJ) Sorry, AKA No thanks, AKA Better luck next time.

One year was wasted and gone. (KDE) Trunk novel or boyfriend?

"You don’t want this, no more than I do." (Anon.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING.


Unknown said...

Would winning that first word critique auction improve the chances of an agent moving on to sentence 2?

While the tweets are funny, I feel rather sad about people querying HR.

Intercostal Clavicle said...

Ouch. I'd like to know the thought process behind the rejections, as some of these lines (like the ventriloquist school) sound pretty good.

Evil Editor said...

There is no thought process. There was no rejection. There is no Hannah Rogers.

Jo-Ann S said...

Now I'm spooked. I dont remember ever submitting even the openng word of a novel to Hannah, and yet the entire ex-opening line to a narrative appeared there, beside my initials.

But something I will admit to - the actual first 150 or so were resoundly shredded by EE and minions about eighteen months ago (for which I was grateful).

Dave Fragments said...

Surely no one starts a query with the salutation:

"Pardon Me Sir Or Madam"
"To Whom It May Concern"
"Dear Agent To Be"

Unknown said...

I wonder how you, EE, deal with Hannah queries...
Form reject, no reply, or tell the authors about the hoax?

Evil Editor said...

No reply.

Interestingly, I just went to Preditors and Editors, and discovered that Hannah is listed there. At least she doesn't have a $ next to her agency. But it IS described as "A literary agency." The description would probably include "spoof" or "lampoon" or "parody" or "satire" if anyone there had actually been to the site.

Unknown said...

I can't even fathom how far this prank went. To get listed on P&E! Does no one read the site?!

The first time I read it I thought you'd graduated from simply 'evil' to downright diabolical...

khazar-khum said...

Dave Kuzminski(sp?), AKA P&E, works with things submitted to him. He usually doesn't investigate until there's a complaint. He asks people to report broken links and such.