Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Look to the Stars

As we have no openings or queries awaiting critique, and as this is Fall Astronomy Week, here are a few excerpts from past posts that feature everyone's favorite planet.

I've never thought of planets as having highly guarded secrets, though admittedly, our scientists are always trying to figure out what causes the strange noises coming from Uranus.

The other sky and earth gods have paired up, fallen in love and started raising their new families. But Gaia just can't seem to get into Uranus.

I recommend setting your book not on Centauria, but on Uranus. Not only does it allow you and your characters to make numerous Uranus jokes, but if the editor says that your book stinks, you can say, Of course it stinks, idiot. It's on Uranus.

Samantha becomes famous overnight as news of her arrival spreads like wildfire. See, here's an opportunity already if the book is set on Uranus. You can say wildfires are particularly treacherous on Uranus because of frequent methane gas explosions.

Wait, residents of Uranus are called Uranusians? I think they should be called Roids.

By the way, it's impossible to find any species in the galaxy willing to explore Uranus.

I wonder if comedians in the 23rd century will be doing jokes about space liners. For instance: Flying on the Nebula Dream isn't bad, except for having to spend a six-hour layover on Uranus.

If your name is Sobek and you want to hide your identity, you can come up with a better name than Bek. That's like Thor changing his name to Hor or Uranus changing his name to Anus.

Rapist: Where the hell are we?

Drug dealer: I don't know, but it smells bad, and there are strange noises emanating from that canyon.

Murderer: Isn't it obvious? We've somehow been transported to Uranus.

Belcher's name brought forth a chuckle no matter how often he was introduced, like a joke about Uranus.

Earth. It was the laughingstock of the solar system . . . until scientists discovered revolting noises coming from Uranus.

Of course no one expected it. That's like opening, Chicago plumber Joe "Ball-cock" Jacobi never expected anyone from Illinois to discover a huge fissure in the surface of Uranus.

Not clear what the crisis is that Ruth provokes, nor why the family is in danger. What is clear is that they'd be better off on Uranus. (Hey, you didn't think we were going to get through this whole query without a Uranus crack, did you?)

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