Thursday, May 12, 2011

Synopsis 28

ALONG THE BEACH
Synopsis


He knows this is not the end. [For he has just picked up the synopsis. He adjusts his pince-nez, downs two Valiums, and begins reading.]

Deep inside an unexplored stretch of jungle in Borneo, nature photographer LEE MERRICK is in over his head. Attacked by a swarm of bees closing in for the kill, he’s left with only one chance: run like hell and dive for the nearest body of water. [Ah, so he's literally in over his head.] Lee still isn’t safe. The river carries him swiftly to the edge of a waterfall. [This is sounding suspiciously like the plot of a Yogi Bear cartoon I once saw.] Before plunging over the edge, he experiences a vision of a half-seen lady in glowing white. [Except Yogi experiences a vision of a picnic basket.]

Again.

Lee recalls seeing the same woman a decade before in a series of mysterious dreams the summer of his final year in college. [Is he recalling this as he plummets to his death?] Now, as a photojournalist for Beachways magazine, the thirty year old Lee travels to exotic shorelines around the world, where he encounters further paranormal hints of the Lady in White as she visits the innermost reaches of his mind. In visions and dreams, she tells him that, above all, she is not an illusion. But nobody else sees her, and Lee can’t prove he’s not just imagining a perfect mate to fulfill the prophecy given in his teens that, one day, he would meet “Her” along a beach.

Now he’s not sure what to think. Yet her ethereal hands caress his at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew. Something he can no longer dismiss begins to haunt him. [Begins to haunt him? I thought this started back when he was in college.] ["Yet" isn't the right word. Try something like: When her ethereal hands caress his at the piano to play a Chopin prelude he never knew, he can no longer dismiss his visions as hallucinations.] [Then again, maybe he hallucinated playing the Chopin prelude.]

The enigma deepens with each apparition of her along the beaches of the world.

As she raises her hand, he is bedazzled by moonbeams illuminating her ring of a silvery bird, which he later also crafts for himself. But nothing prepares him for the astral embrace of their two spirits upon the lunar Sea of Serenity, with their innermost thoughts laid bare to one another in a union more intimate than he’d ever imagined possible. [Has schizophrenia been considered? I'm not talking about the character; I'm talking about the author.]

Unable to find full-time work after losing his job and its access to further mystical places where he’d hoped to further connect with her, Lee’s despair sinks to the lowest elements of the material plane— settling for quick physical gratification in momentary pleasures of the flesh from all the wrong places in town and its seedier women. [Finally something mystical and profound is actually happening.] In the process, he eventually loses all contact with her. After two lost years, he replenishes his faith to resume his search for her—only to be confronted by disbelieving relatives. Leading the pack is his mother, who harbors the dark secret of receiving a prophecy that her beloved husband will suffer a fatal disease far too young. She refuses to accept this fate, and therefore that the future may be foretold. This newfound denial rules her unconscious compulsion to disavow her own past mystical training and never to allow the prophecy Lee received from that same prophet to be fulfilled—to the point of threatening to commit him to the psychiatric ward his own father runs. [My 30-year-old son believes the same crap I did when I was his age. Lock him up in a padded cell.] But it’s too late for them: Lee no longer needs to seek validation from parents and peers, having learned to focus on self-validation in seeking to find himself—and her. His faith is further bolstered as he researches the possibility of soulmates at the London Library. On a sojourn to Merlin’s Cave in Tintagel, Lee hears for the first time the angelic voice of his silent visions, entrancing him more deeply into uncovering the mystery of her being. Their spiritual encounters intersect with life-threatening scenes, from his near-drowning, to being held hostage by armed gunmen at a bank robbery, where each time her words guide him to safety. ["Get outta the water, idiot!" "Get the fuck outta the bank!"]

Through it all, Lee is faced with his greatest challenge: overcoming the remnants of any doubts that along with the reality of her spirit, there breathes the body of a real woman—and that he will never be complete until he finds her—his other half. Repeatedly challenged with physical, emotional and spiritual survival in the face of hostile circumstances, he gains the sense that his inner growth, mirrored by his outer struggles, is the true key to his life’s quest. [Now if he could only figure out what that means...]

After a decade-long journey forging his soul, Lee is, at last, sure that she is real. [I thought he was the one person who did believe she was real.] As their paths converge, he looks up to see a woman wearing the same seagull ring he’d seen in his visions worn by her—now physically standing before him, along his very own beach, [He has his own beach? He shoulda been hanging out there the whole time.] uniting his outer and inner realities to make him whole. [I know this is not the end.]


Notes

I guess if the book is mainly metaphysical, spiritual mumbo jumbo, there's no point in completely hiding this fact. But you might want to give us more of the concrete things that happen and less of the New Age mysticism, just so we'll know there's a story with a beginning, middle and end. Does Lee realize how he can find the woman and put his plan in motion, or does he just go to beach after beach until suddenly there she is?

Do they live happily ever after? If he spends the whole book looking for her, I want to know what happens when he finds her. Surely just finding her isn't enough. Who is she?

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, please. Apparently I'm not enough of a romanticist or spiritualist or whatever to appreciate this. You lost me at the Chopin, when it became too too clear this wasn't going to be a fun-loving adventure comedy like the Yogi Bear cartoon, which I, too, seem to recall. You are taking this much more seriously than I ever could.

I then skipped to the last paragraph to see how it ends, and found no need to read the middle.

Publishers of romance have some pretty detailed guidelines for plot & pacing etc, if this fits one of those, they might be excited about this. Otherwise, I have no idea who your audience would be.

flibgibbet said...

Heavy on theme, light on plot.

While the MC's self-doubt is clearly the antagonist here, it reads like so much navel-gazing.

The MC wants to become whole by becoming one with his soul mate, and the only thing standing in his way is his doubt that soul mates exist?

That's an awfully small quest for a novel, and as written, sounds tedious. He gets in trouble, she saves him. Time after time. I wonder what she sees in him.

And I'm not sure that Lee losing his job, abandoning the Hero's Quest, and having it off with questionable women is the best choice of obstacles. Especially since he blames it on depression. (Politicians can't even get away with that excuse).

If the mother is meant to be an obstacle, make her one. As written, Lee ignores her threats and simply continues on his way. So then why even mention her?

Also, you need to explain why he has a renewed interest in the quest and the money to fund it. What specifically happened?

I'm dubious that you have enough here for a novel, but I really hope you prove me wrong.

Anonymous said...

Oh, please. Apparently I'm not enough of a romanticist or spiritualist or whatever to appreciate this. You lost me at the Chopin, when it became too too clear this wasn't going to be a fun-loving adventure comedy like the Yogi Bear cartoon, which I, too, seem to recall. You are taking this much more seriously than I ever could.

I then skipped to the last paragraph to see how it ends, and found no need to read the middle.

Publishers of romance have some pretty detailed guidelines for plot & pacing etc, if this fits one of those, they might be excited about this. Otherwise, I have no idea who your audience would be.

Anonymous said...

1. I didn't know you did synopses.

2. This seems more risky than posting a query. I know someone would still have to execute it, but your entire story with ending is OUT THERE.

3. Except here, because I don't know how it really ends and am a bit confused by what is going on.

Evil Editor said...

1. This is Synopsis 28.

2. The danger factor is zero, possibly even less.

3. Tell the author where you're confused to aid him in fixing the problem.

Flibgibbet said...

Heavy on theme, light on plot.

While the MC's self-doubt is clearly the antagonist here, it reads like so much navel-gazing.

The MC wants to become whole by becoming one with his soul mate, and the only thing standing in his way is his doubt that soul mates exist?

That's an awfully small quest for a novel, and as written, sounds tedious. He gets in trouble, she saves him. Time after time. I wonder what she sees in him.

And I'm not sure that Lee losing his job, abandoning the Hero's Quest, and having it off with questionable women is the best choice of obstacles. Especially since he blames it on depression. (Politicians can't even get away with that excuse).

If the mother is meant to be an obstacle, make her one. As written, Lee ignores her threats and simply continues on his way. So then why even mention her?

Also, you need to explain why he has a renewed interest in the quest and the money to fund it. What specifically happened?

I'm dubious that you have enough here for a novel, but I really hope you prove me wrong.

vkw said...

Wow you lost me at

"she visits the innermost reaches of his mind."

I'm totally okay with all this soulmate stuff (even though I don't believe in it - because I believe that relationships are based on mutual love, respect and committment and on WORK, and no one wants to read about WORK they want they happy pill), and I loved that movie with Whoopie and Patrick (Ghost) and I've heard romantic spirtualism is in- like the Notebook . . . but I don't believe anyone should go into your innermost regions of your mind. I think just into your mind is far enough.

Author - you concentrated on telling us what the theme is and left out the plot.

You're not writing an lit essay on the true meaning behind the author's words and plot. Stick with the plot.

I think this was okay until

"The enigma deepens with each apparition of her along the beaches of the world." Then you went to mystism land and never came back. I tried to figure out where you went for about 10 seconds and decided I didn't care enough to use my energy to go there.

Disclaimer: agents and Editors may feel differently, however.

AA said...

We need a story here. That is, a beginning, middle and end.

Everything's here, I think, but you're not being specific enough. We need:

Where does he go besides Borneo? Where is his own beach? Where is "in town?"

What armed robbery, where? We need some more details about that.

The astral embrace of their spirits doesn't come across. Is he meditating? Hallucinating? Drowning? What is happening in the story at that point? His physical body isn't on the moon.

He loses his job? How are they going to find a guy willing to risk his life like that to replace him? There must be a really good reason he lost his job. Is he mentally unravelling?

After two years he replenishes his faith- why? What happens?

How do his parents attempt to keep him in the mental hospital if he is not insane? Does his father brainwash him? Drug him?

We need more info about what is happening in the physical world rather than the astral plane.

Answer the more concrete questions and remove about half the words like:
astral
spirit
spiritual
metaphysical
mystery
mysterious
visions
mystical
ethereal
enigma
apparition

These end up making the whole thing sound impossibly vague, so the reader can't clearly imagine what's happening.

Phoenix Sullivan said...

We know from this author's query that appeared here that this is meant to be a New Age read. So rules of the romance genre don't apply. I'm not going to claim I know the indepth rules of the New Age novel, but I'll hazard to guess heavy-handed telling is as much a no-no there as in other types of novels.

I think, author, you need to better connect the dots here. I assume the first chapter leaves him at the edge of the waterfall seeing his vision, and then we backtrack a bit, catch back up with the Borneo timeframe somewhere in the last 2/3 and then go to the end. The problem is that we only understand there's any kind of connection because the author tells us. In fact, after the whole big buildup of him about to plunge over the waterfall (or does he go over - I'm not 100% sure), when we hear about it again, it's an offhand remark about the woman talking him to safety. And, oh yeah, there's a holdup where Lee's life is in danger again and the woman talks him to safety but really so not a big thing, and it warrants less space than playing a Chopin number or Lee crafting a ring in the likeness of one she wears. Also a glimpse into the "innermost thoughts" they bare to one another would be good. Does that baring give him more proof she has a solid form somewhere?

A little less telling us and more showing us will go a long way here. As will a bit more motivation. How does two years away replenish any desire?

EE: I think in this case just finding her could be a satisfying end. She IS the end of Lee's journey. The story doesn't appear to be about "them" but about "him." However, author, while I'm defending your ending, I'm not defending the journey as it's described here.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Did he get away from the waterfall? I couldn't tell, though Phoenix pointed out where that might have happened.

I'm not a fan of books that wander around in time and this one seems to wander a lot in the synopsis. So much so that I lost where I was fairly early in and spent time trying to figure out how what was being said related to what was already said.

There's a school of thought about putting the synopsis in chronological order even if the book is not. I don't know if that's a good thing or if it would help here.

Navel gazery can be a big seller, but I think it has to have story arcs and plot threads, too.

Ryoryo said...

*** WARNING ****

This post completely off-topic.

Phoenix Sullivan -- are you the same phoenix that posted a query for "Suffer the Witch" about 4 years ago? I'm new to the blog and really liked that query as something I would want to read. So, I'm wondering if you ever got it published (if so, I guess it's under a different title since nothing popped up when I googled it aside from a band and a flashfiction).

Anyway, I would love to hear what happened with that story.

-ryoryo

p.s. author: no real comments on your synopsis except that it seems awfully scattered.

p.p.s. EE: are you terribly short on queries?

word-ver: roldedma
Roll, Dedma, roll!

Adele said...

There could be a good story in here, but:

What I'm getting is that Lee meets his imaginary friend in a dramatic moment at Point A, and then again in an equally dramatic though different moment at Point B, and then again at Point C and then again at Point D - and so on and so on for, apparently, twenty solid years. During that time he searches for her, loses faith that he will find her and eventually Bing! there she is.

There are so many meetings and they all seem similar. More events aren't better, they're just more, and the repetition saps the pacing and becomes tedious.

I get that her eventual arrival in his life happens because his soul has advanced to the right point for her to arrive, but there is no sense of urgency here.

Think of "Ghost" - the ghost was working against time to save his wife from harm. Think of "Made In Heaven" - which this does remind me of a lot - where if the hero doesn't find his soul mate by his 30th birthday he never will. Both of those movies have a ticking clock in the background, but Lee's story could go on forever and be continued in his next incarnation - there's no urgency at all.

You will need to introduce a ticking clock. And, perhaps reduce the repetition. Maybe he could grow up faster.

A couple of other things:

Lee loses his job and so now he can't search for her any more? Sounds wimpy. Give me a hero who will look for his soul mate anywhere on the planet whether he's got a job or not.

Um ... Mummy is threatening to lock him up in Daddy's mental hospital? Are you sure? I don't care how powerful they are, they can't do that. Lee is 30 years old, old enough to ignore his parents and besides - hasn't he heard about restraining orders?

And lastly, you hide what I think is a whole bunch of plot development under the simple phrase "Repeatedly challenged with physical, emotional and spiritual survival in the face of hostile circumstances".

You could put more about those challenges in the synopsis, but resist the temptation to describe scenes in detail, and take out a lot of the scene description you've already got. Example: in para 2 all that is really needed is that he's plunging over the edge of a waterfall when he sees a woman in glowing white robes. You don't have to tell us how he got there and why he's in the river.

Evil Editor said...

We are short on queries. We have two, neither of which has received any fake plots yet. Also, we have zero openings.

Phoenix Sullivan said...

@Ryoryo: Thank you! I'm flattered you liked the idea *blush* Sadly, that novel is still a WIP. I think the concept is cool. I love my MCs. The prose still holds up. But it became more about the MCs, and the plot got lost in the telling. I realized that about 80K words into it. I'll revisit it again, I'm sure. Way too much ancient history research that went into it to abandon it completely.

Welcome to the community here at EE's! We'd love a chance to see your query or new beginning.

Ryoryo said...

Phoenix: Awww. Well, if you do get back into it, let me know. I'd be happy to beta.

I'm not really much of a writer myself -- more of a mathematician, but I am thinking about putting together a query. We'll see.

ryoryo

wkordver: toofec
That is too fec for words, mon.

Jo-Ann said...

Given that the woman in white appears like a ghost to him, when reading I was wondering if she had already crossed-over (see! I can use new-age terms, too) and if so why was she doing things to delay their meeting.

If she's a living being who happens to be able to project herself astrally into his mind - and has enough power to affect his hands into playing the piano - I have to ask why can't she just track him down in the real world and wink at him?

I can't help feeling that she's the more interesting character, and perhaps the story told from her POV might be more interesting (Oh, no, here I go astrally projecting again - oh dear, there's that lovable klutz again. He seems to be tangling with killer bees this time... "get. into. the. water.")

Unless there's another rationale - does his guardian angel take her form whenever he takes another stupid risk? Intriguing in a loopy kind of way.

batgirl said...

I'm going to repeat what I said before, though I don't expect the author to respond this time either. My big question is - who provides these prophecies? And why does anyone believe them?
I think the prophet is the antagonist, since s/he evidently is convincing enough to poison Lee's relationship with his mother and cause her to take the stupid route of committing her son in hopes that will prove his prophecy false (how? given that Woman in White can appear in the midst of waterfalls etc., why couldn't she come to him in the bin?) instead of insisting that her husband get regular checkups for whatever dread disease it is prophecied to kill him.

It might be worth while putting the synopsis into chronological order, so we could see how Lee seeks his love, backslides, regroups, seeks and finds her, and get some sense of character development.

batgirl said...

Another thought - I'm guessing the author is aiming for a sort of Griffin & Sabine mystery
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Griffin_and_Sabine)
and the book may achieve that.
Bear in mind, though, that both Griffin and Sabine are heard from, and they have their artistic vocations to bring them together - it is Sabine's suggestions about his paintings (which she can't have seen) that create the mystery and the love both.
So maybe reduce the jargon and replace it with examples of what they mean to each other? You have this piano piece - what does it mean to Lee that she does this? what's the significance of it to him?
And what is he to her?