Bryan, our wingman and designated driver for the night stopped the SUV and opened the door. The smell of farm animals, the sound of night birds and the chill of spring accosted our senses. No moon. No streetlights. No stars. No nightlights. No motor noises, just the silence of the great outdoors greeted us.
The arboretum loomed even blacker in front of us. Old Man Gandar said his great-grandfather discovered this mossy mound because it sat all green and growing in the middle of winter, a hot mound in the middle of hot springs. He built a greenhouse over it and used it to grow exotic plants. Jerry-Man, his son and heir, turned the arboretum into our own private rubber bondage clubhouse.
We all piled inside the arboretum, lit the candles and stripped naked; six shaved, pink bodies waiting to be clothed in rubber.
No socks. No underwear. Just rubber. Huge, man-sized condoms that covered us from head to toes.
Bill fell on his face and couldn't get up. Bryan waddled around in his until he tripped over a tree root. I watched his pink, shaved feet waggle in the air until it dawned on me that I couldn't breathe.
Not enough thought had gone into this.
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: BuffySquirrel
28 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
"Okay, okay," Jerry said, starting to rip out strips of the glowing moss, "I get to be Paul Atriedes tonight."
Bryan grabbed a can, popped it open and began to swab Jerry with Jennifer's help. "Have you got the moss ready?"
Jerry brandished a couple of hand-sized chunks. "Sandtrout, not moss."
"Right, I forgot."
--writtenwyrdd
I thought about Old Man Gandar and his great-grandfather, and how hard they worked to make this place beautiful. Only to be turned into some freakshow by Jerry-Man.
Well, not a freakshow. Six businessmen in their pink, shaved birthday suits waiting to be clothed in rubber isn't a freakshow if no one is around to watch. It's amazing to me sometimes what people do in, their private lives.
That's when I heard the sound that made my blood freeze. A huge, loud thump. I thought to myself it almost sounded like the door on our Chevy when it was being slammed shut. It was followed by another thump, then another. I turned toward the sound, my heart beating wildly and my breath coming in short, shallow gasps. I really didn't want to die out here, naked and shaved.
"Is that a bear?" Bryan said.
"A bear?" said Jerry-Man. "No. The wives. They found us."
--freddie
Spiderman, Batman, and Superman didn't stand a chance.
Rubberman was going to kick ass. But first, we had to agree on who looked best in the custom-made outfits.
--ChristineEldin
If you'd left off the last two sentences, they would have made a great start to a continuation.
Possibly the "silence" of the great outdoors includes barely noticed background noises, but when you've declared that the sound of night birds was accosting their senses, it doesn't sound like any kind of silence.
Not necessary to point out that when you step out of an SUV on a farm there aren't any nightlights.
Otherwise I liked it until the part where I puked on my keyboard.
Aww, EE, you never give yourself enough credit for improving stuff!
Sound of night birds vs. silence of the great outdoors, as EE points out.
I'm used to arboretum meaning a collection of trees. I think you're saying that a greenhouse has been built there and the greenhouse has become the clubhouse? Arboretum is a unique word, but you've repeated it 3 times in 4 sentences. Some variation: Stand of trees? Forest?
The quiet/dark pastorale of the opening paragraph stands in stark contrast to the final 2 sentences of your opening.
I got my own brand of freak, but somehow the shaved pink naked bodies waiting for rubber tripped the "ick" trigger in me. Then again, that's probably your point.
AHA! you discovered why I never participate in leather or rubber sex scenes with any sex (man, woman or whatever) - I get the giggles at the complete silliness of it all. "Lick my boots, Worm" followed by hysterical laughing ain't romantic. Even the biggest, little blue pill can't cure that buzzkill.
just the silence of the great outdoors greeted us and
the sound of night birds
Do you know, EE, I never thought about the contradiction there until now.
I've overdone the first paragraph to set a mood. I need that to make the last two lines stand out and create tension. But I overdid it. Not only that, I didn't see the "overdoneness" until now.
And Buffy had the story nearly right on...
For a hint as to what these guys are up to, look up Jörmungandr, the sea serpent or Midgard serpent (the Norse incarnation of the worm ouroboros) and Ragnarok.
Jerry-man Gandar is Jörmungandr attempting to create chaos and Ragnarok before the signs and portents decree the end of the First Golden Age.
I'm a real sucker for eschatological plots (in a completely non-sexual way).
This was written for a good friend and he wanted the sex part. He sends me photos of this (uh) stuff. I wanted the mythological story. They kind of fit together.
Attention, Dave: runways are clear for your return to planet Earth.
OK, thanks for that update, Dave!! I didn't know whether or not to take this seriously and the cont (BTW giggle, snort HA) didn't help matters. If it matters at all, I will say that I was struck by the "overdone-ness" of this at first read. Then I realized where I was, (the blog of an Evil Editor with minions) and I just tried to read it through, disregarding the continuation. Althought "pink bodies waiting to be clothed in rubber" is a phrase with real lasting value. So, is this a short story??
ME
Yes it is a short story, ME.
A story written to a friend for a good deed. I almost just threw it up on the website but I put it over here on EE's blog for comments. And I learned how deadly my "self-editing" is when it misses the obvious.
I really did laugh aloud at all of the continuations. They are great fun.
The smell of farm animals, the sound of night birds and the chill of spring accosted our senses.
You're cheating! You've laid down some general sensory experiences and left the reader to fill in the blanks. If you want to invoke feeling with the senses, you have to be specific, sorry.
If you stop to think about the details, you'll avoid the apparent contradiction of "silence of the great outdoors" and the "sound of night birds".
I don't think that is a contradiction though. When you're inside in a town/city , there's constand background noise (close your eyes and listen) either from appliances (computers, fridges, TVs) or traffic or neighbours or water in the pipes or dogs barking. You go out in a paddock, away from busy road or even find a quiet country road, and that background noise is gone, and an occasional sound, like a bird call, emphasises that silence.
Dave, those shaved naked guys are going to get AWFULLY cold during the Fimbulwinter...
Holy crap. I really missed a lot today.
Damn, Dave - I'm so unbelievably relieved about the lack of leather thing! You just kill me, honey.
That idol show - I just checked- it's on from 8:00 to 10:00 tonight.
Good Lord.
I have a whole theory about Simon Cowell and his single-handed ability to squash the Tony Robbins (and his ilk) self-help market.
Xenith: You've laid down some general sensory experiences and left the reader to fill in the blanks. I don't understand why you say this is wrong. I have a vivid imagination and I like to imagine the world of the author. I get tired when they over-describe it. I can't make your argument in my head.
Talpianna: haved naked guys are going to get AWFULLY cold I set the arboretum on a hot springs. Plus, rubber is hot to wear.
Robin: There's lots I write about that is pure fantasy. I make it sound real.
Idol? What idol thing?
Cowell? You mean that barking mad, screaming ignoramus that insults the world?
Don't know who you're talking about...
;)
It's the difference between evocative writing & ho-hum writing :) I was going to write a bit on it, to show you what I mean, but latent teacher tendencies mean it'll turn into a mini-lecture complete with examples and links to websites so it might not appear until tomorrow.
Yeah, but, Dave--the Fimbulvetr lasts for three years!
Re: sensory stuff.
When I got to the bit about the rubber, I'm sure I heard it squeak in my mind's ear...
Good one.
Because the reader's imagination needs evocative details to bounce off, not just "birds" but the actual sound of a bird, described so you can hear it. There's a big difference in mood between an owl and a nightingale.
Cowell is barking mad, and possibly an ignoramus, but so are many of the people he has to listen to. In fact, many of the people he has to listen to are delusional.
Talpianna - yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
I missed the reference yesterday. I bought a car and I have to deal with the absolute worst service company to change my controls from the old to the new car and I'm grumpy, miserable and grouchy.
Fimbulvetr (for the uninitiated and the uninterested) is a 3 year period of turmoil and tribulation before Ragnarok (the Norse Apocalypse). The events of Ragnarok are already specified in the legend, that is - predetermined and written.
I must admit to cheating in the story so I didn't have to write 3000 or 4000 words of rubbery sex. The speaker has worked out a way to circumvent the 3 year period and cause Ragnarok before anyone knows what's happening.
I have a third character discover the plot and sacrifice himself to derail it. So the gods must descend from the heavens and punish the narrator of the opening.
Buffy, - - Now I understand. No need for any more words than that.
If Mr. Cowell is an ignoramus, he's a wealthy one. Nothing wrong with being dumb, rich and happy, I suppose. My guess is he's playing out a character. That's what I would do...
Buffy's continuation made me laugh. That's rare, that is. My face usually starts to hurt at anything beyond a wry smile.
My God. Perhaps I'm Simon Cowell?!
squeak in my mind's ear
Funny line!
Hey Dave,
Lots of good comments here. I actually got hung up on the lack of moon and stars. Especially on a dark night at a farm with no streetlights. Just twigged my logic sensor and I couldn't take in the rest.
Until it got to the naked rubber part, that is. Very, um, interesting.
Nice writing!
Dave said: So the gods must descend from the heavens and punish the narrator of the opening.
What kind of hubris is this? The gods usurping the role of Evil Editor???
I was going to make the same comment Buffy did. But you said no more words than that.
Anyway, with just a few more words, I think the sensory detail will give more punch and humor to the scene that follows. This could be quite fun!
LOL at the continuation :-)
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