Saturday, March 22, 2008

Fake Query 1

A séance sounds like fun, right? RIGHT? Well, not for Snotgurgle Mcflop. It's bad enough he has a mom who plays soccer, but when his mother decides to take a class on Basic Witchery, what's a troll to do? Eat her, of course!

Dear Sir,

I am seeking representation for my 950,469 word novel, My Soccer Mom’s Seance - a masterpiece I guarantee will compel you to prostate yourself in wonder at my unparalleled talent.

My idea is outstanding and incredible and fantastic, being loosely based on a plot I came across on your blog while surfing for porn.

A séance sounds like fun, right? RIGHT? Well, not for Snotgurgle Mcflop. It's bad enough he has a mom who plays soccer, but when his mother decides to take a class on Basic Witchery, what's a troll to do? Eat her, of course!

It’s a good start, but my ideas are much, much more original. My protagonist is called Snotgurgle McFlip, the Witchery class is upgraded to Advanced (how brilliant is that?) and in my genius, I have substituted a gremlin for the troll. Even better, this masterwork is set in the fantasy kingdom of Pain Land, a mystical world in which I have sought refuge since being diagnosed as a psychopath when I was four.

I plan to write this epic bestseller in PainLandian hieroglyphs the moment I am released from prison. I have selected my next victim from MySpace and will render the work in ink distilled from her blood on papyrus woven from her beautiful blonde hair.

I have no publishing credits of which to speak, but as I am descended from Satan, I expect to encounter no obstacles. NONE!

If you ignore this query, you will burn in Hell.

Hear Me!

--Whirlochre

11 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

I'm getting a new, washable, keyboard for my birthday next week. Which is just as well if I'm going to go on drinking tea while reading extracts like this: "My idea is outstanding and incredible and fantastic, being loosely based on a plot I came across on your blog while surfing for porn."

What agent or editor could resist this?

Dave F. said...

This is great. It's so good.

Sarah Laurenson said...

LOL! Oh my! LOL!

Anonymous said...

This is the query letter I'm dying to write. *bows to Whilocre*

- freddie

Anonymous said...

PainLandian heirglyphs? I think you pegged the font used for the rejection, lol.

writtenwyrdd

Robin S. said...

Holy crap,WO, you make me laugh with your good, good stuff, like...

"My idea is outstanding and incredible and fantastic, being loosely based on a plot I came across on your blog while surfing for porn."

So...is that REALLY how you found this place?

JEB said...

MWA HAA HAA

This is AWESOME ! ! !

Anonymous said...

"I have selected my next victim from MySpace and will render the work in ink distilled from her blood on papyrus woven from her beautiful blonde hair."

Wow. This is delighfully gruesome. And it would certainly prevent the bitch from sending me any more friend requests ;)

A.

A.

talpianna said...

- a masterpiece I guarantee will compel you to prostate yourself in wonder at my unparalleled talent.

Dunno about you, EE, but I'm not prostating myself for ANYONE!

Pewari Naan said...

Brilliant - a true laugh out loud moment.

Wes said...

What kind of prison is the author in? One for the criminally insane? Nice job.