Face-Lift 490

Guess the Plot

Surrounded by Love

1. Tennis ace Marco Denali hits a major low point in his career, even as his romantic life takes off. Could it be that if he wants to succeed again on the pro circuit, he'll have to sacrifice his passion for ball boy Brad Boyd?

2. Some guys just can't catch a break. All Carl wanted was to die surrounded by love. Instead he's surrounded by scores of screaming passengers.

3. When Elissa lets hunky Garrett move into her house, she has no idea he's going to bring along a mysterious woman who threatens to take away everything Elissa holds dear. Now there's only one way out of this mess: marry Garrett and never have sex with him. Then she's sure to be . . . Surrounded by Love.

4. A band of rogues known as the God Squad has carried on a violent feud with their neighboring sect, the Wise Bunch, for years. When both groups suddenly lay down their weapons, they realize that an alien being is beaming strange calming energy rays at them. There's only one thing to do: they must join together to find a weapon capable of destroying the alien.

5. Annoying Jazmine Jones assaults Henri Voltaire every day with her bleary googoo-eyes, her blown kisses, her insipid giggling, her flowery poetry. Is there no escape? Will Henri be forever . . . Surrounded by Love?

6. Schoolgirl Tara is the only person unaffected by a strange virus that makes the townspeople fall in love with complete strangers. That's the good news. The bad news is that this is going to put a huge damper on her plan to raise holiday money by offering to hug complete strangers for a dollar.

Original Version

Surrounded by Love is Elissa Bellaire’s journey to find inner strength and love. Set in Austin, Texas, Elissa Bellaire [It's your novel that's set in Austin, not Elissa. ] is a woman with secret she plans to keep at all costs. And she’s wondering if she’s lost her mind agreeing to let Garret Chambers move into her big rambling house to live with her and her boys. [We need a connection between those sentences. Is she worried because she thinks Garret will learn her secret if he moves in?] He’s way to good looking and the boys adore him. [No wonder she's questioning her sanity. Why would she want this guy around?]

He’s dangerous all right. He wants her in his bed and sets about accomplishing his goal. But Elissa is resistant to his schemes and finally in desperation he proposes marriage. [Is that how he proposed? "Darling, I'm so desperate to get laid, I'm actually willing to marry you if that's what it takes?" Because I can see how she wouldn't find that very romantic.]

When Garrett [I see he's added a second "t" to his name. I predict that by the end of the query his name will be Garrettio.] causes the woman who can take everything Elissa holds dear, to show up, she is forced to accept a marriage of convenience, she thinks, but Garrett[i] has other ideas, he loves her, he wants her, and he’s going to get her. But that’s when the real problems start. Elissa can’t consummate the marriage for fear of losing everything. [Let me get this straight: she has to marry the guy to keep from losing her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection, but she can't consummate the marriage or she'll lose her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection.] With sexual tension exploding between them, [Sounds a little messy.] Elissa is forced to made a decision, hide the past or find the strength to accept love and the risks involved.

Surrounded by Love is a short contemporary set in Austin Texas [No need to tell us it's set in Austin in both the first and last paragraphs.] with a 60,000-word count. If this query piques your interest, I should be delighted to provide a partial or completed manuscript. [It's the job of the back-cover-copy author to pique the reader's interest. It's your job to make your book sound like a masterpiece of its genre, like the second coming of Christ, if Christ were coming back as a romance novel (ignore previous statement if sending query to radical fundamentalist Muslim editor). Imagine you're a new car salesman, and a customer walks into the showroom. But there are a hundred other car salesmen waiting with you. These other salesmen are trumpeting the engine size and the legroom and the fabulous cup holders and the Corinthian leather of the cars they're trying to unload. But you have your car covered up by a gigantic box. I guarantee this would pique people's interest, but how many would say, "I refuse to purchase any of these other hundred cars until I've test-driven whatever's in that box."] [Actually, this may be a bad analogy, because I suddenly realize that I, myself, would purchase the car in the box sight-unseen, at any price, just to keep someone else from getting it.]


Notes

I assume Elissa's secret is revealed in the book, so why is it being withheld from us? How can we sympathize with her if we don't understand her conflict?

When Garrett causes the mysterious unnamed woman who can cause Elissa to lose everything she holds dear to show up, is he aware she's a threat to Elissa? Does he know Elissa's secret?

Readers don't want you giving away important plot points. Publishers do. Withholding crucial information forces you to be vague. We want specific information about what's going on.

Also, too many errors. Besides the ones I've mentioned already, missing word (a) in sentence 2, to/too, made/make, colon instead of comma after "decision," and the long sentence that opens paragraph 3 needs work.