Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fake Query 7 (Bad Things Haunt Good Men)

Drinking self into stupor. Becoming orphan. Being hostage. Being slave. Killing your mother. Slaughter, ruin, murder. Yes, Graham would do anything for love.

Dear Editor:

The turning point in Graham Chansky's life was the day he brought a live cow to school for show-and-tell and slaughtered it in the front of his third-grade science class. Sure, the cow's screams, which could be heard over the roar of the chain saw, were disturbing, and the blood was flowing like a river, and no doubt Mrs. MacReady wasn't happy with Graham, but at least for once Steffie Carruthers noticed him.

Graham has been content to remain a shy kid, always sitting in the back, never raising his hand, but when Steffie moves to Wormdale, Graham vows his life will change. In fourth grade he comes to school drunk out of his mind every day. In sixth grade he murders his mother. In tenth grade he instigates a war between Mexico and Guatemala. All to win the heart of the beautiful Steffie Carruthers.

In his waning years, haunted by dreams of his lovely mother, an innocent cow, and two million dead Guatemalans, Graham looks back on his life. Sure, he's had a perfect marriage to Steffie, but at what cost? Was it all worth it? he wonders. He decides that it was.

Bad Things Haunt Good Men is a 90,000-word autobiographical memoir of a man who would do anything for love, including that. Interestingly, I he would also do anything to get this published. May I send you the manuscript?

--EE

16 comments:

Dave F. said...

This has a haunting tone. It reminds me of a book I read Many Years Later.
I'll bet you could write the love story, too.

Very good.

Sarah said...

Autobiographical? Oh my! What a man!

Nice bit about having a brief fling with his conscience. Very brief.

Loved the structure of this query (no, duh).

ril said...

This makes me feel quite nostalgic. Of course, her name was Vickie, not Steffie, and it was a goat; but still, you've captured the essence of the time.

Are you sure we didn't go to school together?

Robin S. said...

Poor Graham. What he did for obsessive, chainsaw-chinked love.
Hope Steffie really was worth it...

OK - did you REALLY get this query randomly? Because this just seems so you, in the randomness factor, you know.

Evil Editor said...

Hey, this is among the last ones I'd have chosen if I weren't using randomizationalismness. It has no plot. Nor did most of the others with this title.

Whirlochre said...

It's the guys like Graham who don't get the girl I feel sorry for...

Brenda Bradshaw said...

LOL Robin, that's what I was thinking too!

Mike said...

Which chainsaw brand do you recommend?

Anonymous said...

Well the closing paragraph was the real kicker here. I just didn't get the part where Graham comes off as a "Good Man". He seems a bit crackers to me.

ME

Evil Editor said...

Lay off. Did I complain when you made Eleasa a seaside town when the plot says she's the Goddess of Fate?

Anonymous said...

Well, I did google several sites RE: the fates, and while they go by many names, none of them are Eleasa. But it is a town from a famous biblical battle.

Sorry 'bout that chief. I did think I was covered by the recent renewal of my poetic license.

ME

Mary Witzl said...

What I'd like to read is Steffie's memoir. She must be something to get inspire that kind of commitment.

Dave F. said...

Steffie is the French Lieutenant's Woman - pretty, desirable, eminently (that F word) but ultimately boring.

talpianna said...

I cried for HOURS after reading this! THAT WAS MY COW!!! She was a purebred Jersey and a champion milker, and I shall always rue the day that I traded her to Evil Editor for a handful of magic beans.

(They were delicious, though.)

pjd said...

This is like the anti-Forrest Gump.

Graham: Mamma said--

Steffie: --Your mama always said life was like a box of chocolates?

Graham: No. Mamma said, "Aaaaauuuggghhh."

Top form, EE.

But would a war between Mexico and Guatemala really result in 18% of Guatemalans dead?

Ed Borasky said...

I haven't laughed so hard since the pigs ate my little sister. :)