Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fake Query 2 (The Pride)

It's midnight in the Museum of Natural History, and Chief Curator of African Mammals Dr. Pinkney Mupps is horrified when the "Lions on the Savannah" diorama is vandalized. But the sight of his wife and the Assistant Curator of Primitive Tools cavorting naked among the tall grasses is what really hurts his pride.


In the surveillance society of 2350, foresight exterminates all hope of hindsight and even the dead are scrutinised.

Museum curator Pinkney Mupps is hellbent on revenge against the state for the typos on his ID profile that dog his dream of becoming a renegade Hyperspace Ballistics Marine with a cruel streak, a scar and an idiosyncratic cheroot.

Combining a childhood interest in sleight-of-hand magic with adult expertise in advanced cloning techniques and crochet, he assembles a skin-and-bone army of semiconscious jungle beasts from the stolen DNA of his favourite stuffed animals and drills them to take on the authorities one CCTV camera at a time.

His plans are foiled when his wife’s lover (and his own subordinate), Huw Juanga, loses a testicle to a hastily donned leopard skin thong during a covert sex romp and goes on the rampage. Worse still, Oscar the elephant traps his trunk in a fingerprint scanner sparking the first global search for Elvis Presley in over three centuries.

After a series of knockabout adventures mixing the tension of Logan’s Run with the helmets of Death Race 2000 and the haircuts of Blue Hawaii, Mupps is cornered in the museum by a steroid-enhanced SWAT team. As the missiles begin to fly, Juanga floods the Edu-Vid screen with footage from his personal DVD collection.

Our hero faces the dilemma of his life: to die like a coward as Pinkney Mupps, or flout the smoking ban and fight for his life as Commander Wussface Twatspazzer von Wankhead-Wankhead Shitpipe.

--Whirlochre

9 comments:

Dave F. said...

Very good.
SAY WHAT? foresight exterminates all hope of hindsight and even the dead are scrutinised HUH?

Sarah said...

Sounds like a John Irving plot - all over th place with extremely quirky characters. Good job!

ril said...

Clever. Huw Juanga. Indeed.

Robin S. said...

"His plans are foiled when his wife’s lover (and his own subordinate), Huw Juanga, loses a testicle to a hastily donned leopard skin thong during a covert sex romp and goes on the rampage. "

Holy shit - this is funny.

Gonna write it?

Brenda Bradshaw said...

What a riot!

Dave F. said...

Johnny Knoxville, the head goofball of the JACKASS SHOW nearly lost his testicles this past week thanks to a motorcycle accident. They stitched him back up but he has to wear a drainage bag and catheter for two weeks while his urethra heals. I'll bet you that his testicles stopped his accidental flight over the handlebars. Film at 11, I hope.

It's a chicken and egg problem. Was Whirlochre inspired by the news or prescient about the future?

Anonymous said...

Humor and Pathos (I was sorry to hear about that testicle)! Nice Job! Truth is stranger than Fiction, ask Johnny Knox. Anyone who flouts a smoking ban is a hero in my book.

ME

Whirlochre said...

Dave -

In answer to your 1st query, I was thinking of Minority Report.

Apols for the delay in replying - but you took longer than I expected with the 2nd question....

pjd said...

I am frightened. Not by this query but by how often my thoughts echo Robin's. To wit:

"Holy shit."

That's what I thought as I read this. It is very funny, but dude, cut back on the dosage before you end up in detox.