Why you don't get published.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
New Beginning 273
At low volume the television relayed tales that would have been tall had they not been true; of genocide and war, of protests and layoffs, of dictators, terrorists, presidents, and celebrities. Charlie, in a half-sleep, his head lolled off his futon's edge, fumbled for the remote and clicked these things--off.
Through barely parted lashes Charlie saw, from afar, the beautiful, knowing eyes of his mentor, or tormentor, Bella di Verona. They were bored, those eyes, bored with Charlie. He'd looked to them so often for inspiration but lately got only oppression, and the feeling he failed the challenge they issued, a challenge he'd once relished: to know and create and to be, like her. She was perfect and timeless, and perfect because she was timeless and timeless because she was perfect. Original and startling and renowned--she was sublime. She was a poster on Charlie's wall, a cheap print of the famous painting: the sole self-portrait of Bella di Verona.
"I'm going to be king someday," he said to Bella di Verona, daring her to disagree, willing her to, so that he could argue, lion-like, that no one stayed the Prince of Wales forever; but the sublime woman on the wall said nothing.
Half-asleep beside him, Camilla murmured, "Of course you are, dear."
But Bella di Verona did not look convinced.
Opening: Dan.....Continuation: 150
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9 comments:
I like this. I'd read more.
Especially like some of the phrasing, such as "tales that would have been tall had they not been true".
I think maybe this sentence might be reworked or rearranged to say the same interesting thing it says, but a little more clearly - "He'd looked to them so often for inspiration but lately got only oppression, and the feeling he failed the challenge they issued, a challenge he'd once relished: to know and create and to be, like her."
The contunuation was spot on.
I hope you intend to un-beg the question soon.
Ooooh - love the continuation. It got the voice exactly, and could have been the same story
I'm just amazed by the creativity here! LOVED the continuation! And the beginning was not so bad either!
I wish with these beginnings that there was a link to the author's first chapter. Would be great to see the next few paragraphs!
Cheers,
Loved the continuation! Mixed feelings on the start, because the style didn't appeal to me - but that's a personal thing - it's what Robin likes!
Too much repetition. Reptition makes me start skimming. But I see other people liked it, so maybe this is one of those "not my style" things. The content is intriguing.
thanks for the comments, folks! I am quite keen on my opening chapter and these opening 150 words but I think I'll end up changing both dramatically, only because they don't quite jive with the tone of the rest of the book (that is, everything after Chapter 1).
But it's nice to know this opening of the opening is not, or seems not to be, instantly rejectable to readers.
Brilliant continuation but I like my own a bit more, thank you very much. ;o)
Sure about that, Dan? The royals are very hot these days. :)
The first sentence is a clunker. Fix that and the rest reads okay.
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