Face-Lift 334

Guess the Plot

The Wanderer

1. It was his song; it was her song; it was their song. And hearing the cover band butchering "The Wanderer" on the night of their anniversary pushes Christine over the edge.

2. "The Wanderer" arrives,
From another time and place.
Lilly falls in love with him,
He takes her into space.
But then the ingrate ditches her!
The guy was just a bum.
All men are jerks no matter,
What planet they are from.
They're all wanderers. Yeah they're wanderers.

3. Harry roams New York’s sewers, battling twenty-foot alligators flushed decades earlier by irresponsible pet owners. Yeah, they call him the wanderer, the wanderer, he roams around around around around—but who the hell else is gonna clean up this mess?

4. Denny’s the type of guy who’ll never settle down.
His ex-lovers stalk him as he roams from town to town.
When they suddenly attack with cleavers in the night,
Janie takes his left arm, and Mary takes his right.
He nearly escapes from all the fuming rest,
But they reach inside his shirt and pull his heart out of his chest.
He's through wandering . . .

5. Larry's new gig as a Dion impersonator is taking over his life. When he gets slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit, can he blame the lyrics of "The Wanderer" for hugging and squeezing girls who don't even know his name? They call him The Wanderer. Yeah, he's a wanderer.

6. It's midnight in the Produce Section.
Got nowhere to go.
I push my empty shopping cart,
Around from row to row . . .
Didn't I see a commercial for microwave artichokes?

7. Wilbur went out shopping, got an early start,
Biggest box store ever, Super-Duper-Mart.
When he finished shopping, he wandered all about,
Couldn't for the life of him, find the way out.
Now he's a wanderer. He's still wandering. He roams around around around around . . .

8. Mary takes her husband,
On her business trip to Rome.
While Mary's at the conference,
Frank wanders 'round alone.
In the red light district,
Checking out the chicks,
He suddenly spots Mary
On the corner turning tricks.
She's the wanderer . . .

9. She knew it was the wrong time of day to go to the mall.
She drove around the lot, couldn't find any space at all.
Desperate for a ladies room, her tushie hurts like hell.
Stuck between two minivans, way out in section "L,"
She's the wanderer . . .

10. Tokyo, Sao Paulo,
New York, and Mexico,
Mumbai, Delhi, Shanghai,
Paris, Dhaka, Seoul,
Rio de Janeiro,
Miami, Moscow too,
Jakarta and Karachi,
London, Timbuktu,
She's the wanderer,
Yeah the wanderer,
Will Miss Snark ever find George Clooney?


Original Version

Dear Mr Evil,

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” they all said, over and over until she wanted to scream. But it wasn’t, was it? [She should have known better than to get a dye job at Supercuts.] The Elders had fasted and prayed for seven nights and days, and a fat lot of good that had done. Had the Change taken hold of her? No it had not. [It had, however, taken hold of the Elders, who each lost about fifteen pounds.] Had she suddenly found herself linked to the great web of Sense? No, she sodding well had not. And now it was the day of her sixteenth birthday. The last chance for her to prove herself to be normal. And she would bloody well have to try and fake it.

No-one’s ever failed to Change, and Lilly’s [We used to name girls after flowers. Now we name them after drug manufacturers.] damned if she’s going to be the first. But even indomitable Lilly finds it hard to stay upbeat when she ‘vanishes’ during her transformation ceremony. Sure, she’s still physically present, but in a world where every woman is mentally linked that’s no great comfort. She’s a freak – and she knows it.

Worse still, a stranger – a Wanderer – arrives from an outside world that Lilly’s been taught cannot possibly exist. He’s cute, no question about it, but the last thing Lilly needs are more of her convictions shattered. [Not clear what convictions you're talking about, or what will shatter them.] Surely she’s been through quite enough already? But when she discovers a plot to assassinate the charming stranger she finds herself entangled in his escape attempts and, even more terrifyingly, enjoying it.

Try as she might, Lilly can hardly deny the truth of an outside world whilst travelling in a spaceship that just happens to travel through time. And when a simple meal out turns into kidnap, imprisonment and a fight for survival, [She should have known better than to agree to go to dinner on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] Lilly discovers that while she may not have the right training or the right shoes to be a kick-ass heroine, she can certainly hold her own.

But then Wanderer abandons her back on her home planet. It’s inexplicable but that’s no help. Lilly saved his life and this is the thanks she gets? Lilly may be madly in love, but right now she’s just plain mad. And hurt feelings are the least of her troubles when she’s forced to face the people she left behind. It’s safe to say, they’re not happy…

THE WANDERER is YA fantasy novel, which is complete at 80,000 words. Whilst it stands alone, I have a trilogy planned. I thank you for your consideration of my submission, and I look forward to your response.

Yours sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Mr Evil,

A stranger – a Wanderer – has arrived from an outside world, a world Lilly’s been taught cannot possibly exist. He’s cute, no question about it, but does Lilly need a new boyfriend? No, she does not. Not on her sixteenth birthday, the day of her transformation ceremony, her last chance to link with the Web of Sense. She sodding well has enough on her mind, doesn't she? Did I mention that he was very cute?

Then Lilly discovers a plot to assassinate the charming stranger, and finds herself aiding in his escape . . . and loving it. Especially the part where she's riding in his spaceship that just happens to also travel through time. And when a simple meal out turns into kidnapping, imprisonment and a fight for survival, Lilly discovers that while she may not have the right training--or the right shoes--to be a kick-ass heroine, she can certainly hold her own.

But then Wanderer returns to Lilly's home planet . . . and abandons her! This is the thanks she gets for saving his life? She may be madly in love, but right now she’s just bloody mad. Did she desert her transformation ceremony for nothing? Will she ever see the Wanderer again?

THE WANDERER is YA fantasy novel, complete at 80,000 words. Whilst it stands alone, I have a trilogy planned. I thank you for your consideration of my submission.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

The query wasn't bad, but a little hard to follow in places; possibly a result of trying to cover more ground than necessary. The third paragraph was loose and losing the tone. Because it was a bit long, and seems to have two plot lines that aren't strongly connected to one another, I attempted a revised version concentrating on the story line involving the Wanderer. If the main plot is not the Wanderer's, but the linking with the Web of Sense, and the Wanderer is around for only two chapters, you may want to go the other way, but I assume if that were the case it wouldn't be titled The Wanderer.

The Web of Sense? Come up with a better name.

If you must feature both plots, some tightening is possible. For instance, the words in red can be removed without affecting this passage:

And now it was the day of her sixteenth birthday. The last chance for her to prove herself to be normal. And she would bloody well have to try and fake it.

Dion performing "The Wanderer"