Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
New Beginning 37
Taris knelt before the High Priest, bowing his head. “You sent for me?”
“Ah, the chosen one,” the priest murmured.
Taris rose, covering his left wrist as he noted the priest’s greedy glance. The priest smiled, and Taris flushed, knowing the man suspected how he felt. “What is it, Sir?” he asked, hoping to move things along.
But the priest reached out and took Taris’s arm, pushing the material away from the mark there. “It is time. The Temple of Bedaog is calling. But surely you know this?”
Taris sighed. Yes, he knew. But he kept his expression still. It wouldn’t do for the High Priest to suspect his doubts. “When?”
The priest shook his head, clearly unhappy with the lack of enthusiasm. “We have heard the Echo of our Future -- we know you will reach the Temple, the first person to do so." He tapped Taris's wrist.
Perkins threw the manuscript aside and picked up yet another. One day. . . one day he would find it: The Perfect Novel.
One day.
He gulped bitter black coffee from his Evil Editor mug. Ah, yes, Evil Editor. . . that bastard. All this was his fault. If it hadn't been for EE and his infernal blog, Perkins would long ago have given up the slush pile for a promising career in insurance.
He had to do it, had to prove to EE that good writing did exist, damn it.
And on to the next.
Continuation: anonymous
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16 comments:
“It is time. The Temple of Bedaog is calling. But surely you know this?”
Taris sighed. Yes, he knew. But he kept his expression still. It wouldn’t do for the High Priest to suspect his doubts. “When?”
The priest just said, "It is time." Meaning, I think, the time is now. Does it make sense for Taris to ask when? -JTC
Couple quick points that confuse me:
1. If the high priest says "It is time...", why does Taris respond with "When?"
2. Maybe this is just me, but if you're going to make up a place, make it so the pronunciation is intuitive. Bedaog is a name I don't want to read for an entire book because I'm never sure if I'm pronouncing it correctly. Maybe that's a strange complaint, but who makes stranger rejection decisions than agents? They're just looking for a reason to say No. Don't give it to them with the name of your made-up world.
I like how you jump into the story and how the premise is so quick. Great job there.
John
I'd keep reading, because of the interesting relationship between the two men. If Taris had been female, however, I would have stopped reading. But this feels like an interesting twist.
The writing is fine so I think perhaps you just need to add some punch to this opening scene, more jazz, more zest. Perhaps by letting more of Taris's personality shine through. Also, I would suggest "kept his face expressionless", "worked at making his expression as bland as possible" or some variation thereof. "Kept his expression stil" reads a bit awkwardly to me.
Bedaog. It's just a name I could keep saying over and over again. Bedaog. Bedaog. Bedaog.
I like this. Okay, the 'Chosen One' idea has been done before, but with good reason, IMO. The fact that Taris is reluctant to meet whatever fate is in store for him interests me.
I do think there are some redundant words in places, e.g.
Taris knelt before the High Priest, bowing his head.
If he's kneeling, I imagine he's bowing his head.
The priest smiled, and Taris flushed, knowing the man suspected how he felt.
IMO, that whole sentence could go. I got the same impression from the preceding line.
Taris sighed. Yes, he knew. But he kept his expression still. It wouldn’t do for the High Priest to suspect his doubts.
I would think sighing conveys his doubt; also, if Taris knows 'the man suspected how he felt', hiding his doubt now is going to be less helpful than it might otherwise be. I would shorten that entire paragraph to:
Taris kept his expression still. 'When?'
Regarding the point about saying "It is time" and then having Taris ask "When?", I would simply remove the "It is time" line from the priest's dialogue. Also, is it necessary to name the temple at this point? Would the High Priest name it? Unless there are multiple temples he and Taris might be talking about (which I'm guessing there aren't), I think he could just refer to 'the Temple'.
If you trimmed that exchange, there would be room to give a few more details about the relationship between the two men and/or about Taris.
I would read on.
the author says : thanks:) But now I'm confused -- keep Bedaog or not??? LOL...
Look at your dialogue alone:
-You sent for me?
-Ah, the chosen one.
-What is it sir?
-It is time, The Temple of Bedaog is calling. But surely you know this?
-When?
-We have heard the echo of the future, we know ou will reach the Temple, the first person to do so."
Cool. Can I bring a friend?
Your dialogue falls flat . One is treading water, the other is floating with a rubber ring around his waist but he's not going anywhere. Read up on dialogue. Remember that dialogue in fiction is different from true speech, and also unique from dialogue you'd find in films or plays.
Thanks for tossing this out there. Good luck with the rewrite.
"Chosen Ones" are always nice.
Can you cut the "ings"?
Short, sharp sentences might convey much of the tension which the "ings" dissolve.
Convey his doubt/uncertainty once. Don't belabour it.
I think you're going for portentious, but it's verging on pretentious instead.
Maybe you should make me care a bit more about the MC first -- have him running to meet the high priest, or get called to the meeting or something before the emotion-laden dialogue begins.
Last anonymous:
Portentous?
Author: I agree with most of the previous comments about dialogue, shorter sentences, generic fantasy, etc - also with some of the positives, eg the relationship between the two men, power and sex, I like it a lot.
I find the Temple calling boring - especially since I don't give a damn about Taris at this point - don't care whether he's killed or not - there's no drama, nothing at stake for me.
It's far too generic - there's no sense of place, world, originality or grittiness - there's nothing vivid here.
Too much of the actual writing is redundant, for example, the ...he asked, hoping to move things along... after "What is it, Sir?"
Advice: Get hold of Guy Gavriel Kay's Fionavar Tapestry series - The Summer Tree, The Wandering Fire, The Darkest Road. Pay particular attention to the opening paragraph of The Summer Tree.
Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest...
Then get hold of thirty recently published fantasy novels.
Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest...
Read every myth and legend you can get your hands on and every classic poem you can find, starting with Idylls of the King by Tennyson.
Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest...
And don't forget children's fantasy or science fiction or fantasy classics not recently published. Or historical fiction.
Or just plain history.
Then write your novel. Then put it out for critique.
Nikki, when is the poor author supposed to get any writing done with that huge reading assignment you've prescribed?
Author, if someone says your prose sounds stodgy or your dialogue stiff, get a different someone to read it aloud to you. You can't read it aloud to yourself, you'll start acting out all the parts. Hearing it read will make all the dull parts plain.
Especially if the reader can't stop yawning.
You all have some wonderful advice...and varied. This has been requested by an editor (to my shock), which is why I'm looking at it again after many months...the brief section I posted is from the prologue (I know, prologues are unnecessary)...fortunately, I have done a great deal of reading and ingesting -- and as so many experts say, I probably should simply cut the prologue. :)
The beauty of your dialogue is that is could easily be Wooster and Jeeves.
Jeeves!
-You sent for me?
Yes,yes, , the chosen one.
-What is it sir?
Answer the phone. The Temple of Bedaog is calling. But surely you know why?
-Refresh my memory, sir.
Plastics, Jeeves! The echo of the future. First one there gets the bakelite bangles.
Sorry... could not resist.
Hey, if an editor wants it, then give it to them. Move onto writing something else, and let them handle it. If they want changes, they'll let you know .
Not the dreaded prologue...
Look it's your novel. Agents often skip prologues in partials and it's true the information they contain could be worked intot he backstory. But it's your baby: you want a prologue you keep a prologue.
As for the piece I think the other comments here cover all of the aspects to discuss. For me it came over a little generic, but to be fair, 150 words is too small a sample to really judge a work by. My only suggestion is that you need to rework this and make the scene darker, more sinister. Show us Taris's fear and doubt.
It does work, just needs to be more of a grabber.
RobR
There's no point writing in a vacuum. That kind of detailed reading is necessary work.
Anyway why would someone who wanted to write fantasy not want to read every aspect of it that they could?
Although given that this was a prologue I think I might have been a bit harsh.
I'd like to see the first real chapter.
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