Face-Lift 1507

Guess the Plot

Within These Walls

1. A group of friends gather in a lake house for a reunion. The only access road gets washed out by a flood, leaving them stranded. Then the murders start.

2. A ‘yellow wallpaper’ inspired memoir about a woman’s first year working remotely.

3. Zillionaire Melaan built a 50 foot spite fence around poor farmer Yun-li's property: the only way in or out was now over. But Yun-li's the one laughing after a 30-foot flood wipes out every other building in the city while he stays dry. Also, hydroponics.

4. Two mice live peacefully in the walls of an exterminator's home. But what happens when one gets the other pregnant and they need to relocate?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am pleased to submit my complete novel, WITHIN THESE WALLS, a 90,000-word psychological suspense that blends the locked-room tension of Ruth Ware’s One by One with the dark secrets of Lucy Foley’s The Guest List, exploring how the past shapes the present — and the dangerous lengths [to which] we will go to hide from the truth. [While the term "a suspense" seems to be common in the romance field, it feels off to me, when mystery or thriller will do.]

After a year spent grieving her mother, 31 year old Emma Harris receives an invitation to a secluded lake house over Thanksgiving with her old university friends. It’s been years since they all got together, but maybe this is exactly what she needs—one weekend to laugh, reminisce, and reconnect. [Technically, she was grieving the loss of her mother.]

The first night, nostalgia flows as freely as the wine. Laughter fills the house, old wounds begin to heal, and the group starts [start?] to feel like their old selves again. It’s only on Friday that a brutal storm sweeps [through? in?], downing power lines and washing out the only accessible road to the outside world. As the claustrophobia grows, the atmosphere shifts inside the house. It starts small—a few missing phones, a few jokes taken too far. But then, the first envelope arrives. Inside is a videotape of the night before. Someone has been watching them. [Apparently the downed power lines didn't affect their ability to play a videotape, in which case I wouldn't mention them.]

The footage is damning—two of the guests sneaking out of a bedroom that doesn’t belong to them. Accusations fly like bullets. Paranoia takes hold. Old tensions resurface. Friendships that once felt unshakable begin to crack. And when one of them turns up dead, what started as a reunion turns into a fight for survival. [I assume they attempt to find where the camera is, or was, by watching the film?] [I don't think a video of two people coming out of a bedroom is enough to cause all this. Instead of listing various results, pick out the most damning and give us some details.

This weekend was never about reconnecting. The envelopes continue to arrive, and they aren’t exposing random mistakes—they’re unearthing the kind of lies that destroy lives. Long-buried grudges. Broken trust. Sins no one thought they’d have to answer for. And as the body count rises, the most terrifying realization of all sets in—whoever is sending the envelopes isn’t outside the house. They’re inside. [With the only road in washed out, that should have been obvious. I guess they all assumed the envelopes were being brought in by rowboat.] [Forget the envelopes. The realization that's terrifying should be that the killer is among them.] And they’re determined to make them pay.

By the time the weekend is over, the group is [are?] left to grapple with one crushing truth: these people aren’t who they thought they were at all.

WITHIN THESE WALLS is more than just a claustrophobic thriller. Each character brings their own complex, hungry ghosts to the lake house—feeding the paranoia that twists every glance, every whisper, every missing phone into something sinister. The novel explores how our past trauma doesn’t just haunt us—it warps our reality, twists the truth, making it impossible to know who to trust [anyone], even ourselves.

A bit about me. I've been intrigued by the darkness in the world since I can remember, filling my childhood journals with new worlds and outlandish stories. I took that enthusiasm and applied it to my studies, majoring in English Literature before spending a decade in the entertainment industry, honing my eye for storytelling and atmosphere. By day, I work in film production at Netflix, but my passion lies in crafting suspenseful, character-driven novels of my own. [With your connections, have you considered crafting suspenseful, character-driven films or screenplays of your own?]

WITHIN THESE WALLS is my debut novel, and I recently finished the first draft of my next psychological thriller, THE MIRAGE, which I've included a small blurb of below the first five pages. [Not clear whether you're talking about the first 5 pages of this book or of The Mirage. I hope you mean this book, though in your first sentence you seem to be saying you're submitting the complete novel. Maybe change "submit" to "offer"?]

Thank you for your time and consideration. May I send you the full manuscript?

Notes

The first plot paragraph suggests Emma is the main character, but she's never mentioned again. For all we know, hers was the first dead body. If she's gonna be instrumental in solving the crime, work her in.

Is every phone missing? If not, is anyone able to alert the police that there's a murderer in the house, and the body count is rising? The cops must have a boat or a helicopter available to them.

The plot summary is way longer than what most agents consider ideal. Kind of like when Netflix puts out a ten-episode adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel that could have been a two-hour movie. Here's a pared down version:

After a year spent grieving the loss of her mother, 31-year-old Emma Harris receives an invitation to a secluded lake house over Thanksgiving with her old university friends. It’s been years since they all got together, but maybe this is exactly what she needs—one weekend to laugh, reminisce, and reconnect.

The first night, nostalgia flows as freely as the wine. Laughter fills the house, and to Emma it feels like old times. Then on Friday, a brutal storm sweeps through, washing out the only road to the outside world. As claustrophobia grows, the atmosphere shifts from camaraderie to paranoia. And then, the first envelope arrives. Inside is a videotape of the night before.

The footage is damning, unearthing long-buried grudges, broken trust, the kind of lies that destroy lives. Accusations fly like bullets. Friendships that once felt unshakable begin to crack. And when one of them turns up dead, what started as a reunion becomes a fight for survival.

The material after the plot summary can be shortened too. For instance:

A bit about me. By day, I work in film production at Netflix, but my passion lies in crafting suspenseful, character-driven novels of my own. WITHIN THESE WALLS is my debut novel, and I recently finished the first draft of a second psychological thriller.

Is the videotape necessary? I would think photographs and other evidence would be better, as the person doing this had no way of knowing anything incriminating or damning would happen that would be worth taping. For that matter, they had no way of knowing the road would be washed out, preventing the post office or UPS from delivering the envelopes, but they apparently foresaw the possibility.

Whether to treat a group of people as singular or plural is open to debate. Some say it depends on whether you're in America or Britain. The rule of thumb I made up is if you were changing "the group" to a pronoun, would you change it to "it" or "they"?

Face-Lift 1506

Guess the Plot

The Blood of the Blue Lion

1. A drunk witch-doctor mumbles an “ancient folktale”: deep in the jungle lives a blue lion with diamond claws and golden blood. A senile scientist, hoping for one last discovery, believes him and goes hunting. The lion is real. The scientist tries to take a blood sample and becomes lunch.

2. Bad enough that Miri's father got her best friend Ani pregnant, now he's planning to dump Miri's beloved  mother and replace her with Ani. Think Anne Boleyn in the Ottoman Empire.

3. A lion gets trapped in a chocolate factory and eats a candy he isn't supposed to, swelling up into a massive blueberry. Then, he must fight to defend his world behind a child's wardrobe.

4. Edina is the last princess of Kolanth with the curse that destroyed the kingdom (anthropomorph Filench) a millennium ago ready to descend upon her head as soon as it finds her, or rather figures out who she is. Will misdirecting it into the Sisis jungle keep her safe, or will the local tribesmen capture it and use it to take over the world?

5. A wealthy businessman entrenched in the aristocracy keeps a dark secret. He is a lion shifter. He solves crimes in the jungle while his drunken wife is asleep.

Original Version

Dear [Agent]:

[Why this agent, if there’s a really cool reason.]

Lady Miri didn’t know that the king, her adoptive father, was preparing her for the throne.

That’s fine. Neither did he.

Then the king’s only heir dies, and a foreign warlord makes a plausible claim to the throne. Because Miri is popular with the commoners and the powerful religious authorities, the desperate king makes her the first female crown prince in centuries. Miri enthusiastically seizes her new position. She doesn’t know the king never meant her to keep it. [I assume it's the king's throne that the warlord is claiming, which doesn't seem related to the king's heir dying.] [My research reveals that "crown princess" is a thing. Calling her a female crown prince is like calling the king a male queen. Hmm, bad example. It's like calling the queen the female king.] [Also, this seems to be set at a time when kings wouldn't care what commoners thought, and even if this king did care, he'd be a pretty bad king if the commoners would prefer a foreign warlord as their ruler.] [Having read ahead and seen that the warlord/king issue doesn't get mentioned again, I think we can do without it. Also, once we abridge this paragraph, it's kind of short, but we can just tack those first two paragraphs onto the front:

Lady Miri didn’t know that the king, her adoptive father, was preparing her for the throne . . . 

and neither did he. But when his only heir dies, the desperate king makes Miri the crown princess, a position she enthusiastically seizes, not realizing the king doesn't mean for her to keep it. 
 
Ani, another young noblewoman, belongs to a despised magical race. Her dead brother was a traitor. [A character who does nothing in the query except be dead isn't needed.] at least she has [, though she does have] one thing going for her: she’s Miri’s best friend. Then [But when] her father is charged with treachery. When [and] Ani tries to defend her father [him] but ends up insulting the king, Miri’s friendship isn’t enough to save her. Exile and hard labor threaten to break her—until the king offers her an out. He’ll pardon her and her father; she just has to bear him a son. [What kind of leader sends an innocent person off to some . . . Salvadoran prison just for disagreeing with him about something?] [I may have made that paragraph confusing. I think this is sufficient:

Ani, a young noblewoman, belongs to a despised magical race, though she does have one thing going for her: she’s Miri’s best friend. But when Ani's father is charged with treachery, and she defends him by insulting the king, Miri’s friendship isn’t enough to save her. Exile and hard labor threaten to break her—until the king offers her an out. He’ll pardon her and her father . . . if she'll bear him a son.]

Miri soon discovers that Ani is pregnant with her father’s child. Worse yet, he’s ready to set aside Miri’s beloved mother and appoint Ani queen in her place. If Miri keeps silent, she will forfeit her title. If she fights to protect her mother and defeat her erstwhile friend, [Defeat Ani? Is Ani on board with becoming queen? Or just trying to stay out of the gulag?] she could lose her home, her freedom, and maybe even her life. [With her father and the best friend in charge, Miri is in danger of losing her life? Suddenly I'm rooting for the foreign warlord.] 

The heart-wrenching family dynamics of The Jasmine Throne meet the strong religious roots of The Adventures of Amina Al-Sarifi in THE BLOOD OF THE BLUE LION, an adult fantasy novel. The dual-POV novel, which loosely retells the stories of Mary Tudor and Anne Boleyn in a Classical Ottoman-inspired world, is complete at 109,000 words. It’s followed by a finished second novel of around 82,000 words. Further books in the series are possible.

I’m a cat-toting spec-fic author of mixed heritage (German, Persian, and hobbit). My short fiction has appeared in Cosmic Roots and Eldritch Shores, The Orange & Bee, New Myths Ezine, and a number of other venues. Meanwhile, my legal briefs and memoranda have appeared next to the coffee mugs of hapless appellate judges in MA and NC.

[Why this agent, if there’s no really cool reason.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 

Notes 

The only hint that this is a fantasy is the mention of a despised magical race. Apparently Ani's magical powers aren't enough to protect her father or turn the king into a toad. What can she do? A sentence like: Ani and her father could magically transport to the other side of the ocean, but Ani refuses to give up on her friendship with Miri. would give us an inkling.

My impression is that the king is a jerk, Ani's father is possibly a traitor, as was her brother, and Ani is now Miri's enemy. Does Miri want to run away with her mother, or does she have a plan for setting everything right? What would be a perfect ending, and what can she do to reach it?

 

Face-Lift 1505

Guess the Plot

The Maintenance Man

1. He can fix your washer, your dryer, your toilet, your fryer... but what about your marriage when he's the reason it's falling apart?

2. The presidential election is underway, and only maintenance man Cody Moore can prevent super-intelligent AI Albert from stealing the election and becoming president.

3. When your upstairs neighbor bleeds out after cutting her wrists in her bathtub, which overflows and crashes through your ceiling into your dining room during your dinner party, who ya gonna call? The Maintenance Man.

4. Being a maintenance man is boring, thankless, and lonely . . . unless, like Tom Parker, you're the maintenance man in an all-girls college dormitory, in which case you're in demand pretty much all the time.

5. Hired as maintenance man in a ritzy hotel, Chris fears that the management will one day find out she's a woman disguised as a man because the hotel pays men 40% more than women. But will her cover be blown when the hotel stages its annual "full monte" maintenance crew performance?

6. An unnamed narrator spends 500 pages figuring out how to unclog someone's plumbing a la Nicholson Baker's, "The Mezzanine".

Original Version

Dear AGENT,

THE MAINTENANCE MAN (75k words), is a near future adult scifi satire that combines the themes of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s Service Model and the dramedy of Only Murders in the Building.

All Cody Moore ever wants is a chance to work with Albert, a superintelligent AI that propelled the U.S. into its post-scarcity era and who is now a key government figure. But first, he’ll have to pass the biannual technical Assessment and this year is his fifth attempt. ["This year" could suggest it's annual, rather than twice annually. If you say "and he's already failed it four times" you avoid suggesting anything.]

So maybe that’s why Gramps willed to Cody his private investigation business. Maybe it’s time he finds a new life goal. But then in walks Dorothea, with her fiery hair and clever tongue that catches him off guard. Dorothea, with her kitchen lightbulb that doesn’t just flicker at odd hours but also spells out in Morse code: S.O.S. All signs point to a cyber attack. But that’s impossible because it’s 2240 and there are no security vulnerabilities left to exploit thanks to Albert. But what if Albert missed something, and this hacker found it? [This hacker? What hacker? Presumably a hypothetical hacker? How about "some" hacker, or "a" hacker?] Then perhaps they can teach Cody enough to finally pass the Assessment. [Who is "they"? Dorothea and this hacker? My original impression was that Dorothea's SOS was a warning about the hacker. Now I'm wondering if Dorothea and the hacker are a team. Except what would they need with a guy who can't even pass the Assessment?] [Also, I don't see why a hacker exploiting a security vulnerability that Albert missed would result in anyone teaching Cody enough to pass the Assessment. How are they even connected?] So happily Cody takes the case. [Not clear to me what "the case" is.]

And though he expects their investigation [By "their" do you mean the private investigation business? Cody and Dorothea? Cody, Dorothea and the hacker? How many experienced investigators are among them?] to shed light on Dorothea’s past, never does he imagine it will uncover truths that might undo Albert himself. All amidst a historic presidential election wherein Albert, a write-in candidate, is taking the lead in multiple states.

Notes

You've done a good job in this letter of showing the humorous tone I expect from the book, but maybe you can do this while providing a less confusing plot summary. Here are some minor things I'm not clear on:

Did Cody inherit a private investigation business with some number of employees who know how to investigate cases, or was Gramps the only investigator? Does Cody have any experience in that field?

Does passing the Assessment automatically get Cody a job working with Albert? Would he be a maintenance man? Does he have experience in that field? Is he currently a maintenance man? 

As Dorothea has a clever tongue, it seems odd that she communicates anything with a flashing light bulb.

More importantly, here are things we need to know so we'll be confident you have a story:

What is Cody's goal? To work with Albert? To prevent a cyber attack? A cyber attack on what?

Why does Dorothea come to Cody? To hire him to find or solve someone or something? To warn him of an imminent cyberattack . . . on his business? To suggest they collaborate in preventing a cyberattack? Why did she come to him over other investigators if it has nothing to do with him?

Raising the stakes by bringing in the election would be better if you've convinced us Cody is the man with the ability to save the world.

Feedback Request

 The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1500 would like feedback on the following version of the query letter.

Dear [Agent],

At twenty-four, Dal is slowly disappearing. Raised by devout Korean-American Christian parents, she was once full of ambition—but now she drifts through a dull office job, avoids her loud and eccentric neighbors, and spends her free time people-watching on the subway. Then she meets Callia, a charming artist who makes Dal feel seen for the first time in years. Their friendship becomes all-consuming, and soon Dal is obsessively molding her life—and herself—entirely around Callia.

When Dal helps direct a video project featuring Callia’s newest artwork, the final piece is stunning. But weeks later, she learns Callia has already exhibited it, claimed full credit, and erased any trace of her involvement. When Dal confronts her, Callia dismisses her feelings and ends their friendship with a devastating admission: she’s bored of Dal—and tired of pretending otherwise.

Mentally unstable and on the verge of moving back with her parents, Dal discovers a memoir written by her late grandfather. His words pull her into the turbulence of 20th-century Korea: Japanese occupation, civil war, exile. For the first time, Dal sees how inherited pain has shaped her—the silence, the need to serve, the fear of taking up space. Her grandfather’s words compel Dal to confront how she has been performing for Callia, how she has been living for others—and to ask what it might mean to finally live for herself.

My Soul a Stage is a 60,000-word upmarket novel that blends fiction and memoir to explore queer longing, emotional isolation, and generational trauma. It will resonate with fans of Min-Jin Lee’s multigenerational Pachinko, Michelle Zauner’s intimate Crying in H Mart, and James McBride’s community-driven Deacon King Kong.

The novel’s memoir sections are taken directly from my grandfather’s real, unpublished writings, which inspired me to tell this story.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

I can't imagine agents get many queries this well-written. I might change "mentally unstable" to "emotionally unsettled," to avoid conveying the impression that she's planning to shoot up an art gallery, but for all I know, she is. 

Some (but certainly not all) agents may balk at your slightly low word count. Maybe if grandfather wasn't very prolific, you could expand on his memoir with what you suspect he would have written if he hadn't been so busy trying to stay alive.

Face-Lift 1504

Guess the Plot

Take the Power Back

1. You, yes YOU, have given up enough freedom to THE MAN, corporate America, billionaires, trillionaires, earth and air and sea in global warming. It's time to acknowledge this is YOUR PLANET, clean it up, and TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

2. New superhero The Vakum has the ability to strip away superpowers. Of course he only uses it on villains. But now they've figured out a way to reverse the process. Chaos ensues as supervillains fight over acquiring each others abilities. Meanwhile, the superheroes make popcorn and watch.

3. The city-states of the world can only exist with the Palola power source. Recently someone stole the Palola of Tsiki, the home of Fini. Will Fini find the thieves or will he have to move?

4. Scammed by a billionaire genius, penniless Shelby decides to take him down by stealing his greatest invention and proving it's junk. Which she does, but he's still a billionaire, and she's still broke.

Original Version 

TAKE THE POWER BACK (93,000 words, speculative) is an adult speculative heist novel pitting a Lupin style thief against tech billionaires. I am a traditionally-published speculative [That's the third time you've used the word "speculative already.] fiction author with a Master’s degree in [Speculative] English  literature. I am querying you because this novel resonates with [YOUR MSWL]

Shelby is a security professional struggling with catastrophizing OCD. It is a gift in her line of work – helping her hyper-focus on flaws in security systems – but a torment to her mental health. When catastrophe hits close to home and her brother begins suffering an illness that conventional medicine can’t cure, Shelby falls down the rabbit hole and becomes convinced the only treatment for her brother is a drug invented by a genius billionaire named Leader Zenden – the creator of a hyper-capitalist island utopia. [A sentence with "hyper-focus" followed by a sentence with "hyper-capitalist."] [Sorry if it seems I'm being hyper-critical.]

Shelby spends all her money to journey to Zenden’s island to buy the drug – only to learn it is a scam. She swears to take revenge, and what better way to do so than by stealing Zenden’s greatest invention yet and prove [proving] to the world that it’s a fake. [You can prove that the side panels of a Tesla fall off when you slam the doors, but that doesn't make Elon Musk a pauper. Also, unless she already has proof that the invention is fake, wouldn't it be better to show the world that his drug is a scam?] Her revenge plot soon throws her into the middle of a power struggle for Zenden’s island. Shelby encounters a tantalizing thief, an old flame with ulterior motives, and Zenden’s most ardent zealot, while fighting the pull of Zenden’s cult upon her psyche. As her heist barrels toward its own catastrophe, ["Catastrophe" is your new favorite word.] Shelby must decide who she trusts – and maybe even learn whether her brother is truly beyond saving.

TAKE THE POWER BACK is a recipe for activism about how an everywoman can [shows how one determined woman] beats the 1%. It asks big questions about who we really can rely on in times of catastrophe, saving the biggest for its audacious finale. The novel blends the timely satire of Alderman’s The Future with the mysterious, utopia-hiding-dystopia of The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton (May 2024, Sourcebooks Landmark).

This is my second novel picking apart corporate power and oppressive tech through a speculative lens; my first [NOVEL] [was a speculative hyper-catastrophe.] I have spoken as an author panelist at [LITERARY CONFERENCES] and have forthcoming pieces in [LITERARY MAGAZINES].

 Sincerely,

Notes

Is his "greatest invention" already available? If not, it would be better if she stole his greatest invention, patented it, mass-marketed it, became a billionaire, bought up his company, and squeezed him out. Or you can explain how proving one of his inventions is fake leads to his ruin. Is she somehow going to end up with his island? 

If her brother isn't beyond saving, I would expect Shelby to be looking for a drug trial that might find a cure. She can seek her revenge and struggle for power after her brother's dead. In other words, what is her revenge plot, and how will it help her brother?

Face-Lift 1503

Guess the Plot

The Law of the Jungle

1. A biplane carrying lawyer Ed Ferris crash lands in the Congolian rainforest, in an area being land-grabbed by Nigerian investors grown wealthy off internet scams. Fortunately, Ed specializes in the relevant laws, as well as being descended from Tarzan and having the animals on his side.

2. A Civil War veteran with PTSD leads an expedition to a remote jungle island and finds an ancient civilization with a distinct dislike of outsiders. Also, pirates.

3. Archaeologist Jake Withers finds the remains of a city in the jungles of New Guinea. A city that was more advanced than the modern world, though it existed millennia ago. But is modern man ready for this? Or will Jake be hunted down and burned at the stake?

Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my debut novel THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE.

THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE is a historical thriller novel complete at 70,000 words. It appeals to fans of The Devil and the Dark Water by Stuart Turton as well as fans of Jacqueline Winspear’s The White Lady. [The titles of two books whose fans would like yours can be placed after the more important summary of your plot.]

When Civil War veteran William Lynch’s wife Eliza dies suddenly, he is forced to take up her life’s work or let her name fall forever into obscurity. Before her death William had not even been able to hold down a job as he tried to adapt to a post-war world, thanks to his trauma from the war. Now, he must take charge of the scholarly expedition Eliza had organized to a remote Caribbean island that once housed an ancient civilization. The only problem is that anyone who has tried to study this civilization in the past has not returned, and the pirates that frequent the area swear the island is cursed. [I would shorten that to: When Civil War veteran William Lynch’s wife Eliza dies suddenly, he takes charge of the scholarly expedition she had organized to a remote Caribbean island that once housed an ancient civilization. An island rumored to be . . . CURSED!!!] [Okay, skip the ellipsis, all-caps, italics exclamation points.]

William guides the expedition through pirate infested waters to reach the island, but along the way several of the crew are lost, some as a result of William’s apathy in the wake of his wife’s death. William is determined that the remainder of the expedition will go smoothly and that he will take back control of himself, after all, Eliza’s reputation is on the line. [I don't see any reason her reputation is on the line. He wasn't trying to salvage her reputation, just trying to keep her name from falling into obscurity. I would drop the second sentence.] 

As William explores the island, he discovers that the ancient civilization never died out after all and the occupants of the island are not fond of outsiders. William is put to the test when several other members of the expedition die and he begins to wonder if the rumors of the island being cursed may be true, or whether all of the deaths are just a result of his failings. [Does he consider that the deaths could be the result of tropical diseases or of being boiled by the natives in a giant cauldron of stew?] If William is going to ensure that his late wife’s works are completed he must not only unlock the secrets of the ancient civilization, but avoid being killed in the process. [What do his late wife's "works" consist of? She's never been to the island, and no one who has been there ever returned. To her, this island could be as real as Atlantis or Wonderland.]

Notes

How does anyone know anything about this civilization if no one who ever tried to study it returned?

Did Eliza posit that there was an ancient civilization on this island based on maps and artifacts found somewhere else? And her reputation is on the line because this expedition is costing a fortune, and some are saying it's a fool's errand and the money should be spent helping former slaves adapt to their new freedom?

If they get to the island, most of them die, and the natives drive the rest away because they're outsiders, I don't see how Eliza fails to fade into obscurity. She might get some credit for being right about the civilization existing, but only if someone from the expedition makes it back, which probably doesn't happen because of the Bermuda Triangle.

I think you need to use all the extra room I've provided you to tell us some interesting things that happen. Preferably things that make it obvious that the island really is cursed.

Face-Lift 1502

Guess the Plot

The Amulets of Caesar

1. When Los Angeles teenager Cal finds out he's the reincarnated grandson of Caesar, he time travels to ancient Rome where the gods trick him into causing the fall of Rome as punishment for the empire’s conversion to Christianity. Also, barbarian Goths.

2. After Julius Caesar is stabbed to death in Rome, his one-time lieutenant Marcus gathers bits of hair and blood to make protective amulets for the Roman soldiers Caesar once led. Unfortunately, they're stolen by time-traveling Huns who then use Caesar's ghost to build an empire.

3. While exploring a cave with his friends, teenager Brandon finds a strange amulet. After putting on the amulet, he finds that he has a sudden understanding of warfare and tactics. Armed with this freshly acquired knowledge, Brandon is driven to accomplish his newfound goal of rebuilding the Roman Empire.

Original Version

Dear Agent, 

Cal Anderson is like any other 17-year-old in Los Angeles, [I hate him already.] except he can rewind time five seconds. The Roman gods gave him this power because they have a destiny for Cal, one written in an ancient book of Roman prophecies. When Cal figures out the prophecy, he learns he’s the reincarnated grandson of Caesar, descended from Venus, and that he really wasn’t responsible for the accident that killed his mom. [If I had the ability to rewind time five seconds, I'd use it to go back to before I started reading that sentence, and then skip over it.]

Haunted by her death, Cal finds a new prophecy in the book [Ah, so he has the ancient book. Has it been passed down in his family for 2000 years, or did he steal it from a museum?] that alludes to her resurrection—one he must go back to ancient Rome to fulfill. [Does he get to ancient Rome by rewinding time five seconds over and over and over? Because that would take centuries.] Desperate, he uses the prophecy to send himself back in time, unaware that the gods who killed his mom have tricked him onto a path to cause the fall of Rome as punishment for the empire’s conversion to Christianity. [As I understand it, the Roman Empire fell about a hundred years after the conversion to Christianity. You'd think that would have satisfied the gods. Wouldn't it have been easier for the gods to go back 300+ years and kill baby Jesus than to go forward 1600+ years and kill Cal's mother to trick Cal into time traveling to ancient Rome, hoping he would find a way to end the Roman Empire?]

In 408 AD, barbarian Goths lay siege to Rome, threatening to burn the city and the temple Cal needs to save his mom. Fighting and tricking his way through the ancient world to fulfill his prophecy before the Goths succeed, he falls in love with Amalia, a half-Goth fated to die in his prophecy. [This prophecy seems a lot more involved and specific than most of the ones I've encountered.] As the temptation to stay with Amalia begins to replace his desire to save his mom, [No way would a 17-year-old be tempted to stay in 408 A.D., where there's no cell phone service.] Cal faces an impossible choice—one the gods have planned all along. For Cal’s destiny will demand the ultimate price—his loved ones, the city of Rome, or both. [Or both? Are you saying he has the impossible choice of saving his loved ones or saving Rome, or saving both? Easy choice. Does saving his mother and Amalia result in the destruction of Rome? What does the prophecy he's been fighting to fulfill say will happen?]

THE AMULETS OF CAESAR is a 92,000-word, YA historical fantasy that blends the fatalistic themes of Kika Hatzopoulou’s Threads That Bind with the mythological stakes of Lore by Alexandra Bracken and the trickery and heists of Among Thieves by M.J. Kuhn. It is a standalone with series potential.

I’m querying you because I read on your MSWL that you’re interested in XYZ or saw that your favorite book is ABC which is why I’m hopeful you’ll like my book.

My passion for history has led to a feverish addiction to biographies, and strange looks from my coworkers when I can’t stop talking about them. Trips to Rome and Istanbul inspired the settings in my book. 

Below are the first 50 pages, per your submission requirements. 

Thank you for your time and consideration, 

Notes

I'm not crazy about the prophesy. Cal "figures out" the prophesy. He "uses" the prophesy to travel back in time to 408 A.D. He fights his way across the ancient world to fulfill the prophesy, even though the prophesy says his girlfriend will die. Has everything in the prophesy come to pass so far? Does it say he will succeed in causing the fall of Rome or in saving his mom and Amalia? Or both?

I don't see the advantage of rewinding time five seconds. Say you want to prevent Lincoln's assassination. First you have to get to Lincoln's time and place, which would be difficult, and then you have to get really close to John Wilkes Booth so that after he pulls the trigger, you can rewind time five seconds and shove Booth's arm so he misses and kills someone else. The hardest part is convincing them to even let you in the theater, as you have no ticket. I'm sure this power comes in handy at some point, but if you don't say how, no need to mention it in the query.

There is a science fiction book called The Man Who Saw Seconds in which a man can see five seconds into the future. So you might want to give your guy a different amount of time, just to avoid a lawsuit. But don't give him 57 seconds, as there's an apparently bad movie called 57 Seconds, in which a guy can rewind time 57 seconds. He uses a ring to rewind time. There were Twilight Zone episodes in which a woman could stop time with a pendant and a man could do it with a stopwatch. Does your guy rewind time with an amulet? (Just a wild guess.)

According to AI, Julius Caesar had no biological children who survived into adulthood. But AI doesn't seem to know about Caesarion, thought to be the son of Caesar and Cleopatra. But there's no evidence Caesarion had any biological children. Both men had adopted heirs, but those wouldn't be descendants of Venus. Presumably your book has this covered, claiming Caesar had an illegitimate son who had a son of his own, all of which was hushed up by historians.

I have too many questions. You don't want the person reading the query to have too many questions. You can leave out the parts that inspire questions, or you can answer them.

Face-Lift 1501

Guess the Plot

Rabbitheart

1. Superheroes have been the thing for over a century and all the good names are either in use or under various restrictions. Floyd has tried everything from bribes to generators to, well it wasn't really theft. Maybe the media coverage on his small animal rescue operation will generate something good. Also Pogo.

2. When innovative heart transplant surgeon Gregory Lassiter realizes his patient will die before a suitable donor heart can be located, he is forced to an unusual extreme: using the heart of a rabbit. But with no recently deceased rabbits available, can he acquire a heart without incurring the wrath of his wife, president of the local PETA chapter?

3. When Bob calls on the empire's armies to follow him into battle, they ask him who the hell he is, and he knows "Bob" isn't going to cut it. But in retrospect, he should have come up with something better than . . . Rabbitheart.

 

4. Raised by humans, he leaves his homeland and joins the army of a nearby kingdom, keeping his identity secret. When the enemy approaches, and his comrades are outnumbered, will he have to reveal his powers to save them? And if so, will the name Rabbitheart live forever in history?

5. Alice has always been shy and easily frightened, but when the love of her life is kidnapped, she feels she must do something about it. Filled with a newfound but as of yet frail bravery, Alice pursues the men who abducted her husband with the help of a retired detective.

Original Version

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent Last Name,

I hope you will consider my debut novel, RABBITHEART (89,800), an adult fantasy set in a world watched over by cruel gods.

Elias is afraid. If anyone realized he wasn’t human — a secret known only by the humans who raised him and the spirits begging for his attention — it would cost his family their lives. To protect them, he leaves his homeland for the first and final time. After entering a kingdom embroiled in civil war, Elias is rescued by a prince who is challenging his brother for the throne. Amongst the prince’s soldiers Elias finds a community where he can belong, so long as his disguise remains intact. [I assume that eventually you'll tell us what he is so we can . . . wait, I just remembered the title. Is he a rabbit? A rabbit wearing a disguise so realistic everyone thinks he's human?] [When the humans who raised him first got him, did they think they were adopting a child, only to discover he was a rabbit in disguise? Or did they know they were adopting a rabbit, and provided him with a human disguise so they could bring him places where pets weren't allowed?] [I just have one question. Actually I have several, but here's the first one. Why will Elias's family all lose their lives if anyone finds out Elias is a rabbit?

However, he soon learns the ruthless churn of war waits for no one and that it threatens to rip away everything and everyone he’s gained. Desperate to save his newfound family, Elias faces enemy soldiers, gods, and nightmares of his own creation. [Nice try, putting "gods" in the middle of your list where I might miss it. Elias takes on gods? Are these the cruel gods mentioned in the first sentence? Does Elias have super powers? My research reveals that there was once a rabbit with super powers who had his own comic book but my guess is that his enemies were farmers and foxes, not Thor and Ares. Whoa! I stand corrected. Here he is on the cover of issue 12, out-strengthening Atlas:

Of course, it's possible Elias is not a rabbit, but an alien from another planet, possibly Krypton, and that he has numerous powers, and looks human even when not wearing his disguise, which is a pair of glasses, and that he has the heart of a rabbit, though not literally.]

RABBITHEART combines the theme of found family amongst the horrors of war in Adrian Tchaikovsky’s House of Open Wounds with the fraught dynamic between the privileged and the oppressed in M.L. Wang’s Blood Over Bright Haven. [I wonder what the agent would think if you included issue 12 of Super Rabbit among your comp titles.]

While writing Elias’s story, I drew on the lived experience of never quite fitting in anywhere. I’ve yet to run into a war zone to escape this reality, but, I’m experienced with masking to avoid discovery and the toll it takes. I live in Michigan[, where I don't fit in] with my husband and our dog and cat.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours,

Notes

Fortunately, your plot summary is only six sentences, which means you have room to add some badly needed details like what Elias is, and what he can do. Other possible additions: an example of the gods' cruelty; why spirits are begging for Elias's attention; whether the nightmares he creates are real; why, when he is one in a community of soldiers, and presumably the least experienced, it's up to him to save them. This information may make it clear that the fantastical elements are vital to the story.

You could carry the plot further by going into Elias's plan to save the world, rather than just telling us what he faces.