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Guess the Plot

The Amulets of Caesar

1. When Los Angeles teenager Cal finds out he's the reincarnated grandson of Caesar, he time travels to ancient Rome where the gods trick him into causing the fall of Rome as punishment for the empire’s conversion to Christianity. Also, barbarian Goths.

2. After Julius Caesar is stabbed to death in Rome, his one-time lieutenant Marcus gathers bits of hair and blood to make protective amulets for the Roman soldiers Caesar once led. Unfortunately, they're stolen by time-traveling Huns who then use Caesar's ghost to build an empire.

3. While exploring a cave with his friends, teenager Brandon finds a strange amulet. After putting on the amulet, he finds that he has a sudden understanding of warfare and tactics. Armed with this freshly acquired knowledge, Brandon is driven to accomplish his newfound goal of rebuilding the Roman Empire.

Original Version

Dear Agent, 

Cal Anderson is like any other 17-year-old in Los Angeles, [I hate him already.] except he can rewind time five seconds. The Roman gods gave him this power because they have a destiny for Cal, one written in an ancient book of Roman prophecies. When Cal figures out the prophecy, he learns he’s the reincarnated grandson of Caesar, descended from Venus, and that he really wasn’t responsible for the accident that killed his mom. [If I had the ability to rewind time five seconds, I'd use it to go back to before I started reading that sentence, and then skip over it.]

Haunted by her death, Cal finds a new prophecy in the book [Ah, so he has the ancient book. Has it been passed down in his family for 2000 years, or did he steal it from a museum?] that alludes to her resurrection—one he must go back to ancient Rome to fulfill. [Does he get to ancient Rome by rewinding time five seconds over and over and over? Because that would take centuries.] Desperate, he uses the prophecy to send himself back in time, unaware that the gods who killed his mom have tricked him onto a path to cause the fall of Rome as punishment for the empire’s conversion to Christianity. [As I understand it, the Roman Empire fell about a hundred years after the conversion to Christianity. You'd think that would have satisfied the gods. Wouldn't it have been easier for the gods to go back 300+ years and kill baby Jesus than to go forward 1600+ years and kill Cal's mother to trick Cal into time traveling to ancient Rome, hoping he would find a way to end the Roman Empire?]

In 408 AD, barbarian Goths lay siege to Rome, threatening to burn the city and the temple Cal needs to save his mom. Fighting and tricking his way through the ancient world to fulfill his prophecy before the Goths succeed, he falls in love with Amalia, a half-Goth fated to die in his prophecy. [This prophecy seems a lot more involved and specific than most of the ones I've encountered.] As the temptation to stay with Amalia begins to replace his desire to save his mom, [No way would a 17-year-old be tempted to stay in 408 A.D., where there's no cell phone service.] Cal faces an impossible choice—one the gods have planned all along. For Cal’s destiny will demand the ultimate price—his loved ones, the city of Rome, or both. [Or both? Are you saying he has the impossible choice of saving his loved ones or saving Rome, or saving both? Easy choice. Does saving his mother and Amalia result in the destruction of Rome? What does the prophecy he's been fighting to fulfill say will happen?]

THE AMULETS OF CAESAR is a 92,000-word, YA historical fantasy that blends the fatalistic themes of Kika Hatzopoulou’s Threads That Bind with the mythological stakes of Lore by Alexandra Bracken and the trickery and heists of Among Thieves by M.J. Kuhn. It is a standalone with series potential.

I’m querying you because I read on your MSWL that you’re interested in XYZ or saw that your favorite book is ABC which is why I’m hopeful you’ll like my book.

My passion for history has led to a feverish addiction to biographies, and strange looks from my coworkers when I can’t stop talking about them. Trips to Rome and Istanbul inspired the settings in my book. 

Below are the first 50 pages, per your submission requirements. 

Thank you for your time and consideration, 

Notes

I'm not crazy about the prophesy. Cal "figures out" the prophesy. He "uses" the prophesy to travel back in time to 408 A.D. He fights his way across the ancient world to fulfill the prophesy, even though the prophesy says his girlfriend will die. Has everything in the prophesy come to pass so far? Does it say he will succeed in causing the fall of Rome or in saving his mom and Amalia? Or both?

I don't see the advantage of rewinding time five seconds. Say you want to prevent Lincoln's assassination. First you have to get to Lincoln's time and place, which would be difficult, and then you have to get really close to John Wilkes Booth so that after he pulls the trigger, you can rewind time five seconds and shove Booth's arm so he misses and kills someone else. The hardest part is convincing them to even let you in the theater, as you have no ticket. I'm sure this power comes in handy at some point, but if you don't say how, no need to mention it in the query.

There is a science fiction book called The Man Who Saw Seconds in which a man can see five seconds into the future. So you might want to give your guy a different amount of time, just to avoid a lawsuit. But don't give him 57 seconds, as there's an apparently bad movie called 57 Seconds, in which a guy can rewind time 57 seconds. He uses a ring to rewind time. There were Twilight Zone episodes in which a woman could stop time with a pendant and a man could do it with a stopwatch. Does your guy rewind time with an amulet? (Just a wild guess.)

According to AI, Julius Caesar had no biological children who survived into adulthood. But AI doesn't seem to know about Caesarion, thought to be the son of Caesar and Cleopatra. But there's no evidence Caesarion had any biological children. Both men had adopted heirs, but those wouldn't be descendants of Venus. Presumably your book has this covered, claiming Caesar had an illegitimate son who had a son of his own, all of which was hushed up by historians.

I have too many questions. You don't want the person reading the query to have too many questions. You can leave out the parts that inspire questions, or you can answer them.