Cartoon 552

Caption: Angie

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New Beginning 718

Charlie Crampon walked out of the snack shop with a giant slushie in each hand. It was too early for caffeine, too late for food but just right for two double slushies -- giant-size, sugar-filled, brain-freezing buckets of ice shavings. The best companions for nighttime driving his Dad used to say. Two-thirty in the morning and insomniac crickets drowned out the lack of traffic on the highway. Fog chased the mosquitoes, blurred the face in the moon, turned the fireflies into smudges and made the rows of self-service gasoline pumps glow. At the far end of the grassy expanse, a pair of big black dogs, Russian wolfhounds thought Charlie, lumbered out of the woods, howling and baying as they ran across the lawn between the shop and the highway.

An ear-splitting shriek of feedback from the PA system broke the night. The clerk burst out the doors with a shotgun. Charlie ducked behind his car.

"Damn you, you bastards, I told ya not to pull this shit anymore," the clerk screamed in a high-pitched, twangy voice. He tracked the dogs and fired both barrels.

Both shots went wide and the dogs yelped off into the trees. The crickets waited for the last echo of the shotgun blast before resuming their symphony.

With shaking hands spilling brightly colored syrup over his fingers, Charlie drank from each cup, a big gulp of cold raspberry followed by two freezing mouthfuls of Hawaiian Punch. Then he stepped out from behind his car. "Geez, mister," he said, "you really hate dogs, doncha?"

"Hate those two," the clerk replied. "They keep sneakin in my back door and pissing in the Slushie machine."


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: jrmosher/anon.

Cartoon 551

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 716

Guess the Plot

A Storm Hits Valparaiso

1. It wasn't a meteorological storm, it was Aunt Agatha, who was driven there by James in the Bentley, on a mission to save the chicken franchise management career of Cousin Nigel, who was ready to toss it all to get lucky with Roxanne -- not realizing that Roxanne was a secret agent named Charles Johnson, or that the lowly driver, James, was his true father and the genius behind the family fortune, or that the chicken franchise was a front for an industrial spy syndicate run by former members of the KGB.

2. 1822. Simón Bolívar and José de San Martín have liberated South America, from Venezuela to Chile. They decide to meet over coffee in a sleepy town to share war stories and to argue over which one of them will get a country named after him. Bolívar wins after what may have been history's most significant game of rock, paper, scissors.

3. There's something odd about the Valpo basketball team, but transfer student Jack West doesn't ask questions. He just wants to play point guard and date his study partner, Annabel. Sure the team's opponents have met with a string of bizarre accidents. Yes he saw the assistant coach with a van full of live chickens. No Jack doesn't know why there is a mysterious symbol sewn into the back of his uniform. When Annabel starts investigating, Jack must decide whether to keep his eyes closed, or help the woman he loves.

4. Juan, a Chilean boy, earns a scholarship to study meteorology at a college in the US. Radioactive lightning from a freak storm during his Christmas holiday makes him grow seven feet tall. Back at school, he faces a moral dilemma: Figure out what's causing the devastating storms back home, or take Valpo to its first Final Four ever. He lets his cheerleader girlfriend decide for him.

5. Just as vampires overrun Valparaiso, a massive storm cuts it off from the outside world. Wolfsbane Joe, stuck in town after his werecheetah wife ran off with a waiter, is Valparaiso's only hope. But can one drunken ex-prizefighter werewolf take on a vampire army?

6. During one eventful week, college student Jessica has come to Chile for spring break. Swiss engineer Hans has come to study the unique funicular elevators while his brother Father Peter has come for more private studies. Ralph and Milly have returned to repair their ruined marriage, even as General Mosquite ignites plans of his own. Their stories all intersect when.... A Storm Hits Valparaiso.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to send you my novel A STORM HITS VALPARAISO for your consideration. It’s approximately 99,000 words in length and is set in the early 1800s during South America’s struggle for independence from Spain.

In 1822, after twelve years of a dirty war, Spain was on the verge of losing her Empire. José de San Martín had liberated Argentina, Chile and Peru, while Simón Bolívar had freed Venezuela, Colombia and Ecuador. The two greatest figures in South American history met for the first and last time in Guayaquil to discuss the conclusion of the war, as neither man had sufficient troops to finish the Spaniards off. They met alone, and no historical record was made of their meeting.

At the end of their talks, San Martín resigned as Protector of Peru and handed over control of the combined armies of Argentina and Chile to Bolívar. [I feel like I'm back in World History, sixth period, with Mr. Green droning on while I read the Batman comic I've concealed in my book.] San Martín retired to become an anonymous farmer, while Bolívar went on to immortalise himself in the final victory. San Martín’s reasons for stepping aside have always remained a mystery. [This is a history lesson, not the plot of a novel. Does your novel solve the mystery?]

The novel is aimed at the same market as Louis de Bernières, [Who? Ah, thank you, Wikipedia. Louis de Bernières, author of The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts, Señor Vivo and the Coca Lord and The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman. And three-time winner of the Philip K. Dick Wackiest Title of a Serious Novel Award.] (but should also be popular amongst fans of historical fiction, anyone with an interest in Napoleonic era history, or South America in general. The 200th anniversary of the beginning of the war is next May, and I believe there are huge opportunities for marketing tie-ins for the respective anniversaries of notable points in the conflict over the next few years, especially Chile’s 200th birthday in 2011. [Considering the speed with which the publishing industry works I suggest you forget Chile's birthday and aim for a marketing push that coincides with the 200th anniversary of the 1821 Battle of Carabobo.]

This is my first novel, which I completed this summer. It was written over a three year period while travelling around the world. I have begun work on a second novel. I have posted the first five pages of the manuscript below. If you would like to read the entire manuscript, or if you would like me to send on a synopsis and some sample chapters, please let me know the submission guidelines.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

Usually it's the end of a war we commemorate, rather than the beginning. Your novel seems to center around the 1822 meeting between San Martín and Bolívar, so it seems the book might make the Guayaquil, Equador El Telegrafo bestseller list in 2022, but I wouldn't expect big sales every time an anniversary of a conflict in the decade-long+ war comes up. In other words, if the book will appeal to fans of historical fiction, that's enough; no need to bring in Napoleon and marketing tie-ins with 200-year-old battles.

Is the whole novel set around the meeting in Guayaquil? If so, tell us what you envision happening at that meeting. Focus on your main characters. Does your novel present a fascinating theory on what led San Martín to fade out of the limelight? I don't have a clear picture of what's in your book.

Dump the marketing plan and the bio. Shorten the background to something like:

In 1822, after twelve years of war with Spain, José de San Martín and Simón Bolívar, the two greatest figures in South American history, met for the first and last time to discuss the conclusion of the war. They met alone, and no historical record was made of their meeting.

Then summarize the plot of your novel. Or, just use the first sentence, changing "met" to "meet," and launch into your plot. What happens?

The title seems to indicate the focus is on something that happens in Valparaiso. Is what happens there worth mentioning in the query?

Cartoon 550

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 717 (Chapter opening)

The downpour drenched Minjee from head to toe. The weight of her clothes pressed against her shoulders. Mud constantly enveloped her feet; forcing her to wrench them free with each step forward; her thighs burned from exertion. Flashes of lightning guided her through the darkness. A tall, ominous mountain loomed in the distance and she spotted several patches of trees where she could possibly take shelter, but every time she thought about stopping, she could feel Master Ahn’s stare on her backside.

The rains fell heavier. A crack of thunder pierced Minjee’s ears. Thick mud clutched her shoe and pulled it off; she stumbled and fell forward. As Minjee tasted soggy earth, she accepted that she had no choice but to find shelter. Besides, Ahn and her father couldn’t possibly be still looking for her in this storm--this darkness....

* * *

Ahn threw another chicken bone into the fire. "Do you think she'll be all right?"

"She'll not melt in a bit of rain." Minjee's father began to stuff tobacco into his pipe. "Besides, she can always bend over and take shelter under that arse of hers."

Ahn choked and spit ale across the table. "You're a bad father, Yim," he said, chuckling.

Yim struck a match. "If it gets real bad, she can make a tent out of her knickers..."

"Oh my, oh my..." Tears streamed down Ahn's cheeks. "What would your good lady say, to hear you talk like that?"

"Nella? Reckon we can ask her, once she's done fixing that leaky roof."

"I don't know, Master Yim, how ever did you tame those women of yours?"

"It was simple, Master Ahn, I told them otherwise I'd sell them both to you!"

It was in the ensuing silence that both men realized a line had been crossed and their friendship would never again be the same.


Opening: Matthew.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 549

Caption: Angie

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Face-Lift 715

Guess the Plot

Daughter of the Ocean

1. Moira's always wondered who her biological parents were. She finally meets her mom, but when she asks about meeting her father, Mom just says, "Head for the coast; you can't miss him."

2. She claims to be a mermaid and although most people would be skeptical because she uses a submarine instead of swimming, crewman Digby believes it and lets her aboard the Sea Guppy. Hilarity ensues.

3. Just as Octavius the shepherd perfects the art of walking on water, the damn Ocean starts parting whenever he comes near, so he decides to search the sea floor until he finds Venus -- and bring her back to Pompeii as his wife. Plus, seven spectacular obstacles and a monstrous fish.

4. The merpeople are almost ready to take over the world and wipe out humanity with their water sorcery. Meteorologist Fenwick Jones is the only one who can stop them. But will he do so when the merman king offers him his beautiful daughter if he stays mum until the merfolk institute a worldwide fishocracy?

5. Shi'inabi has always been different from the other villagers. She can get fish to jump into her net, seals play with her, and dolphins give her rides on their backs. Life is good, until her 16th birthday, when a green-skinned man comes to her door, claiming he must take her to her father, Poseidon.

6. Madison wakes up on the beach and discovers that her hair has lost its natural curl. Also, that she's become a mermaid. The bad news is, her boyfriend may not be able to handle it. The good news is, she has gained the power to command the ocean's waves, which is much cooler than having a boyfriend.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

What would happen if you woke up on a shore of an ocean’s beach [Not wordy enough; how about "coastal shore of an ocean’s seaside waterfront beach"?] not knowing who you are or how you got there, and you must go back to a life pretending not to be an emotional hollow shell that yearns for the ocean’s embrace. [I've got nothing against opening with a question, but this question can be worded more clearly as: Would you please read no further and just send me a rejection slip?]

Madison Harington went missing after her high school graduation only to be found wandering the redwood forests in Northern California near her home-town several months later. [I thought she was on the beach.] Her unusually ghostly pale skin [There are many shades of unusually ghostly pale skin. For instance, there's unusually ghostly cadaverous ashen pale skin and unusually ghostly anemic pasty pale skin. Paint us a picture.] along with her longer straighter hair has caught the suspicious eye of her childhood friend, [Peter] Parker, who [, thanks to his spider sense,] immediately knows this creature isn’t his old companion.

[Parker: You're not the Madison I once knew.

Madison: How so?

Parker: Your skin's pale.

Madison: I've been in this dark forest two months.

Parker: Your hair's longer and straighter.

Madison: Hello? Two months without a cut and perm?

Parker: I guess I was wron--wait, what about the fact that your legs have been replaced by a scaly fish tail?]

Madison now has to blend into a world that she has no emotional attachment to while resisting the constant luring of the ocean’s sweet lullaby calling her home. [Why must she resist? Why does she have no emotional attachment to the world she lived her whole life in?]

As mermaids, they aren’t supposed to feel any connections to land dwellers anymore, but when Parker becomes the key to unlocking all Madison’s hidden emotions and her one and only true love, she finds herself commanding the ocean’s waves and the skies in a battle against [Aquaman and] the woman with the emerald eyes who converted her, in order to save her two worlds.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my first novel. Daughter of the Ocean is a young adult, fantasy novel about a girl’s journey to self-discovery; along the way, she’ll stubble upon new abilities [like shaving her scales], new and old friends, enemies, and a few awkward, red-faced moments [like almost suffocating when her makeup clogs her gills]. It is completed at a 72,600 word count. The young adult readers of today have been invaded by vampires; the next invasion will come from beneath the ocean.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Too much time explaining Madison's situation, and not enough telling us what happens. She's become a mermaid. What does Emerald Eyes want from her? What does Madison want? What happens if she can't defeat her enemies? Dump the first paragraph and give us more story.

I get the impression she was converted during the time she was missing, in which case the ocean's lullaby wouldn't be "calling her home," as her home would be where she spent most of her life. I think that "lullaby" is Aquaman's mating call, luring her into his underwater bachelor pad.

You'd think the woman with emerald eyes would send Madison to mermaid orientation after converting her, instead of ditching her on the beach or in the forest.

If you've just been converted to mermaidism, do you already have the power to command the ocean and skies? Enough to take on Emerald Eyes and Aquaman?

Thanks to the Blogger search function, I was able to determine that this is the 14th query we've done in which Aquaman showed up.

Here's Aquaman's problem: other superheroes have cool-sounding arch-enemies like Doctor Octopus, Lex Luthor, and The Joker. Aquaman has The Fisherman.

Cartoon 548

Caption: John

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Success Story

Dear Evil Editor,

I wanted to begin 2010 by offering my sincere thanks for your advice. I submitted my query letter to you in April of 2007 (Face-Lift 320). As a result of your suggestions (and those made by your minions) I received offers of representation from three agents. I have now sold four young adult novels! The first book, Tagged, will be published on March 1, 2010 by Harlequin Teen. The second, Past Midnight, will be published on September 1, 2010, and books three and four will be released in 2011.

When I began the writing process, I needed all the help I could get. Reading your blog was an invaluable tool for me. Thank you for your time, your advice and your wit.

Best,

Mara Purnhagen

Saturday Film Series

2009 Face-Lift Awards

The votes are in, and here are the results:

4th Place
Spats, Traps, and Possum Fur Hats

3rd Place
Resonance

2nd Place
Hybreed Rising

1st Place
Don't Forget the Death Ray


Click the label below to see the results from previous years.

2009 Cartoon Caption Awards

I gotta start doing cartoon awards quarterly. There were dozens of great ones. The field was narrowed, the minions voted, and here are the results:

5th Place

Caption: Mother (Re)produces

4th Place

Caption: Whirlochre

3rd Place

Caption: Anon.

2nd Place

Caption: Stacy/Anon.

1st Place

Caption: Anon.


Anonymice: If you want credit for your captions, let me know.

To view previous cartoon awards, click the label below.

2009 Guess the Plot Awards

It would be too much work to choose the best individual Guess the Plots, so we honor the best complete sets.


3rd Place

The Lesser Species

1. Cows have had enough. It's time to knock humans to the bottom of the food chain.

2. Aliens land on earth and refuse to communicate with humans. Strange gases start coming out of their ships, killing any human who comes near them. One scientist realizes the chemicals in the gas are pesticides, and the aliens are carrying tanks full of the stuff to rid the Earth of . . . The Lesser Species.

3. A man is abducted from Earth by the Galactic Council and put into a zoo with other lesser species. He escapes and rigs the next election so that he becomes Galactic President. But once in power he realizes he'd just as soon have a plate of nachos.

4. Dogs vs. Cats. The final war that will end the debate once and for all.

5. Christof flexed his legs. It was time for the revolution. His army's carapaces gleamed. He was proud of them. So began his war against the lesser species. One day the Earth would again belong to Christof, king of the cockroaches.

6. Biologist Harold Carter is obsessed with the reproduction of the monotremes. He's spent decades in Australia, studying. Meanwhile his wife and children grow increasingly distant. Will he return to soul-crushing suburbia, or stay in Australia with his beloved platypi?


2nd Place

N

1. One man's struggle with Narcolepsy, and the challenge of staying awake long enough to finish a book about it.

2. Tired of being called a heartless bastard, a teenager leaves the Earth and crosses the galaxy accompanied by her spineless navigator Nigel, A.K.A. . . . N.

3. The letter pinned to the starlet's bikini said only "N." For Zack Martinez, homicide detective, this meant one thing: those first thirteen murders were related.

4. With a brutal serial killer holding him hostage and his life depending on a game, it's not the best time for Mason to discover he lost some of the Scrabble tiles.

5. Zorro II sets off on an epic journey to find an optometrist who's not afraid of a man with a sword. Turns out she's hot, too.

6. Q has gone missing and N is running the show with agents Orange and 013. Can they foil a plot to assassinate the PM?



1st Place

Don't Forget the Death Ray

1. A team of astronauts arrive in a new world, only to discover the atmosphere is full of poppy-gas that adversely affects their cognition and makes them vulnerable to kidnap by flying monkeys, green women, and singing midgets.

2. The ultimate reference work on how to write comic books. Includes invaluable advice like: Don't put an alien's third eye on the back of his head; Never make a spandex costume pink; and of course . . . Don't Forget the Death Ray.

3. All mad scientist Lysander Schultz wants to do is take over one, maybe two continents so his mother will finally stop complaining he's never accomplished anything. But then Mama Schultz gets wind of the plot and decides her baby boy can't possibly do it without her assistance.

4. What happens to megalomaniacal arch-villains whose powers fade as they enter their golden years and find they can no longer remember exactly what they were going to do with the world once they dominated it? This is the story of a most unusual assisted-care facility where, more often than not, weapons of mass destruction are found in the refrigerator rather than in that tray on the dresser where they belong.

5. Ironic hipster Lance McAllister's blog, "Don't Forget The Death-Ray," is a send-up of science fiction cliches and alien abductions. It's all fun and games--until the Reticulons show up and the anal probes start.

6. Zorpha Qv'naul has had to deal with one too many creeps who think, just because they paid for immersion in the nutrient vats, she should drop her carapace and become brood-host to their natal swarm. So she's written a handbook of practical advice for the single female tentaculoid playing the dating game on Eta Horologii IV.


Past winners may be viewed by clicking the label below.

And for those who wondered, the real plots were
Lesser Species: 3, N: 2, Death Ray: 2

2009 New Beginning Awards

Each year we honor the best work of our continuation writers. The minions voted, and here are the results:

5th Place
Lord Verenth

4th Place
Slubka

3rd Place
Train Wreck

2nd Place
As You Know, Bob

1st Place
Job Chart


Click the label at the bottom of the post to see the results from previous years.

Cartoon 547

Caption: Steve Wright

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Face-Lift 714

Guess the Plot

The Fray

1. Initially it was Bob versus Tim. Then they enlisted reinforcements and it became the Blues versus the Reds. Then the conflict widened into North versus South. Then it went digital. Now, it's global.

2. When the scarves Aya is knitting for Christmas presents start to fray, so does her mind - convincing her doctor that knitting and mental illness are linked. Can he prove it in time to save his wife, a knittaholic?

3. Tessa knew that her posh new neighborhood had a reputation for cliques and high status power struggles. But when she is nearly run over by a Quinny Buzz Stroller, and then brained by a sterling silver baby rattle, Tessa has to find the strength to survive... The Fray. Also, organic hoodie smugglers.

4. When the pollution of the ether by cellphone signals causes their world to unravel, two faerie bands fail to do anything more productive than start a civil war. Can Brigidrhiannan repair the fray and save the fay?

5. Twin brothers Jeff & Jason have created The Fray, the ultimate war RPG. Too bad those cool pictures of weapons they found in the office next to Dad's and used in the game are of real guns. Can they survive with the FBI and the Army after them?

6. James finds a flag in the attic of his grandfather's house. When he tries to repair the unraveling edge he travels back to the Revolutionary War. To return to the present day, James must create a time rift by ensuring George Washington loses the war. Is it worth it?

7. Seraphian Quilph is a Weaver, sworn to protect the fabric of the space-time continuum with her supernatural gifts. When chaos demons emerge to wreak havoc on history, she has to track them to their source; the entropic force known only as... the Fray.

8. Faded and tattered clothes are the style, and Mari is always in style. Then she discovers talking moths are eating at the straps of all her tank tops. Will she realize the consequences in time? And what's this about a moth queen?

9. Life was boring for Zara, and it didn't get any better when Damion showed up. But she stops rebuffing him when she learns that they're both descended from Lilith, the original Vampire. Can the two of them defeat a coven of witches?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I have completed a 63,460 word YA paranormal romance manuscript titled “The Fray”, the first in the proposed "The Carians Series" for which I'm seeking representation. [I'd call it "planned" rather than proposed.] [Also, if your series has a really cool name, I don't mind knowing it, but there's no need to tell us it's The Carians Series, as that means nothing to us. The first book of a planned series is fine.]
[A cool series would be the Carry-on Series, in which each novel involves someone bring something strange onto an airplane in their carry-on luggage. In one novel it could be an inflatable raft, and in another it could be a live bat. Those would be funny, but there'd also be sad ones, like when someone brings her mother's ashes onto the plane and a tiny breach in the hull leads to the ashes being dispersed into the cabin and then sucked out through the opening.] [Admit it. The Carry-on Series sounds better than the Carian Series.]

Lilith, a sorceress, was the Creator Vampyr, the first one. Her lineage, called the Carians, still exists.

Zara Cowen is a British-American living in Ireland with her Aunt and Uncle, recovering from the loss of her parents while playing the part of a responsible elder sister to Linea. She leads a comfortable, yet slightly poignant and monotonous life. ["Poignant" doesn't thrill me as an adjective describing someone's life.]

The monotony is broken with the advent ["Arrival." Toss your thesaurus immediately.] of Damion Romano. He gets along with everyone and is a charming fellow. However, Zara sees his attempts at befriending and helping her like an effort to sabotage her strong image by extending sympathy at her situation. She rebuffs him raising barriers around herself. [I don't see why it would bother her so much for him to be friendly, helpful and sympathetic. "Sabotage her strong image" is too vague to explain that reaction.]

Soon enough, the revelation that Zara's maternal family is descendent of the Creator Vampyr Lilith sends everything in disarray, especially when she finds Damion is a descendent from the same clan as well, which also makes them closer. They find out that a coven of Dark Witches, Seven Elders, is after them as they are Carian Companions, a rare situation when two Eldest Children descending from the same Carian Witch (not blood relatives, though) come together and can perform magic. [How does that being descended from the same person but not being blood relatives work? You mean they were both created by the same vampire?] [If anyone can be called blood relatives, it's vampires made by the same creator.]

The story moves on [No need to say that; just tell us where it's going.] as Zara struggles with the empty feeling that still lingers in her heart, her concerns for her sister, her developing feelings for Damion and this new dimension of her magical life as the divide between the Carians and her normal life is breached and, together, Damion and Zara must face the Seven Elders. [Too much information for one sentence--if that is a sentence.]

Sincerely,


Notes

Blogger doesn't like the way you spell "descendant."

There's a revelation that Zara's a Carian, then she finds Damion's also a Carian, then they find out the Elders are after them . . . where's all this information coming from?

Is there an ending, or is everything resolved later in the series?

Are any of these characters vampires? You call Lilith the original vampyr, but you also call her a sorceress. You claim Damion and Zara together can do magic. Are Lilith's descendants vampires? If there aren't any vampires, using the word "vampyr" in the query is going to lead to a misunderstanding.

Cartoon 546

Caption: Steve Wright

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New Beginning 716

I am going. I have borne this bitterness too many years. The children are with their grandmother. I will come back to them in six days as though I had only gone to the moondark house. I cannot leave them to her. Look what she did to me.

There is starlight enough to see by. The long grass reflects it, the trees by the river swallow it. I walk in the light. No one can stop me.

No one will see me here, in the dark of the moon, in the dark under the trees.

All my life I have gone stumbling in the dark, surrounded by their eyes. Even my daughter, my star, looks on me with my sister’s cold eyes, with Uyali’s eyes.

Not even the stars will see me going from the moondark house. Not even Uyali will see me. The sound of the river will cover the sound of my steps, the shape of the land will guide my feet, and I will go free.

Sunrise. Birds crying. My legs are tired. My feet hurt. I keep going.


"How much did that one cost you?"

Mark stopped reading aloud and looked up from his Sony Reader, "Forty-nine cents."

"Huh. Well, for once, I'd say you got your money's worth."



Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Anon.