Monday, January 04, 2010
Guess the Plot
Daughter of the Ocean
1. Moira's always wondered who her biological parents were. She finally meets her mom, but when she asks about meeting her father, Mom just says, "Head for the coast; you can't miss him."
2. She claims to be a mermaid and although most people would be skeptical because she uses a submarine instead of swimming, crewman Digby believes it and lets her aboard the Sea Guppy. Hilarity ensues.
3. Just as Octavius the shepherd perfects the art of walking on water, the damn Ocean starts parting whenever he comes near, so he decides to search the sea floor until he finds Venus -- and bring her back to Pompeii as his wife. Plus, seven spectacular obstacles and a monstrous fish.
4. The merpeople are almost ready to take over the world and wipe out humanity with their water sorcery. Meteorologist Fenwick Jones is the only one who can stop them. But will he do so when the merman king offers him his beautiful daughter if he stays mum until the merfolk institute a worldwide fishocracy?
5. Shi'inabi has always been different from the other villagers. She can get fish to jump into her net, seals play with her, and dolphins give her rides on their backs. Life is good, until her 16th birthday, when a green-skinned man comes to her door, claiming he must take her to her father, Poseidon.
6. Madison wakes up on the beach and discovers that her hair has lost its natural curl. Also, that she's become a mermaid. The bad news is, her boyfriend may not be able to handle it. The good news is, she has gained the power to command the ocean's waves, which is much cooler than having a boyfriend.
Dear Evil Editor:
What would happen if you woke up on a shore of an ocean’s beach [Not wordy enough; how about "coastal shore of an ocean’s seaside waterfront beach"?] not knowing who you are or how you got there, and you must go back to a life pretending not to be an emotional hollow shell that yearns for the ocean’s embrace. [I've got nothing against opening with a question, but this question can be worded more clearly as: Would you please read no further and just send me a rejection slip?]
Madison Harington went missing after her high school graduation only to be found wandering the redwood forests in Northern California near her home-town several months later. [I thought she was on the beach.] Her unusually ghostly pale skin [There are many shades of unusually ghostly pale skin. For instance, there's unusually ghostly cadaverous ashen pale skin and unusually ghostly anemic pasty pale skin. Paint us a picture.] along with her longer straighter hair has caught the suspicious eye of her childhood friend, [Peter] Parker, who [, thanks to his spider sense,] immediately knows this creature isn’t his old companion.
[Parker: You're not the Madison I once knew.
Madison: How so?
Parker: Your skin's pale.
Madison: I've been in this dark forest two months.
Parker: Your hair's longer and straighter.
Madison: Hello? Two months without a cut and perm?
Parker: I guess I was wron--wait, what about the fact that your legs have been replaced by a scaly fish tail?]
Madison now has to blend into a world that she has no emotional attachment to while resisting the constant luring of the ocean’s sweet lullaby calling her home. [Why must she resist? Why does she have no emotional attachment to the world she lived her whole life in?]
As mermaids, they aren’t supposed to feel any connections to land dwellers anymore, but when Parker becomes the key to unlocking all Madison’s hidden emotions and her one and only true love, she finds herself commanding the ocean’s waves and the skies in a battle against [Aquaman and] the woman with the emerald eyes who converted her, in order to save her two worlds.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my first novel. Daughter of the Ocean is a young adult, fantasy novel about a girl’s journey to self-discovery; along the way, she’ll stubble upon new abilities [like shaving her scales], new and old friends, enemies, and a few awkward, red-faced moments [like almost suffocating when her makeup clogs her gills]. It is completed at a 72,600 word count. The young adult readers of today have been invaded by vampires; the next invasion will come from beneath the ocean.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Too much time explaining Madison's situation, and not enough telling us what happens. She's become a mermaid. What does Emerald Eyes want from her? What does Madison want? What happens if she can't defeat her enemies? Dump the first paragraph and give us more story.
I get the impression she was converted during the time she was missing, in which case the ocean's lullaby wouldn't be "calling her home," as her home would be where she spent most of her life. I think that "lullaby" is Aquaman's mating call, luring her into his underwater bachelor pad.
You'd think the woman with emerald eyes would send Madison to mermaid orientation after converting her, instead of ditching her on the beach or in the forest.
If you've just been converted to mermaidism, do you already have the power to command the ocean and skies? Enough to take on Emerald Eyes and Aquaman?
Thanks to the Blogger search function, I was able to determine that this is the 14th query we've done in which Aquaman showed up.
Here's Aquaman's problem: other superheroes have cool-sounding arch-enemies like Doctor Octopus, Lex Luthor, and The Joker. Aquaman has The Fisherman.