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Thursday, September 08, 2011
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Face-Lift 950
Guess the plot
Martin Mason and the Man in the Crystal Prison
1. Not at all based on Harry Potter. Not in the slightest. Honest.
2. J.K. Rowling's lovechild by Evil Editor pens a scathing tell-all in the tradition of Mommy Dearest.
3. In the prison is the iron-fisted tyrant Samuel Wade, who just happens to be Martin Mason's father. Martin has the ability to turn invisible, but should he use this power to break his father out, or should he hang out in the women's locker room at the local gym? Or should he just stare at a blank wall?
4. Martin Mason, middle aged Irishman, tumbles into a rabbit hole on his way home from a pub in Limerick and discovers he's actually a wizard with a very important mission in life: guard the wee evil elf in the crystal prison on Fiona's key ring and don't let him out until the ransom has been negotiated with Glimmerella. But Martin accidentally lets the elf go. Hilarity ensues.
5. Martin Mason, teen-aged musical prodigy, learns that his music teacher/mentor has been unjustly incarcerated in the Crystal Prison and sets out to free him by smuggling in a high-F# tuning fork with which to shatter the walls.
6. Mild-mannered accounting clerk Martin Mason is troubled by a recurring dream of a man confined in a prison with crystal windows and bars. He takes an hallucinogenic herb to deepen his dream state, and finds himself in a crystal prison where he dreams of a mild-mannered accounting clerk.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Thirteen-year-old Martin Mason spends his evenings staring at a blank wall in his school’s basement. [A fascinating character about whom I would like to read an entire novel.
Chapter 12
Man, I still can't get enough of staring at this blank wall. It's like a giant canvas for my imagination. Hey, I never noticed this, but the wall isn't quite white. More of an off-white. Egg shell, maybe.
I wonder if they'd mind if I brought in a poster to hang on the wall. Just to break up the monotony. Nothing gaudy, of course, maybe a photograph of Tolkien or a still life of a fruit bowl with no apples, just Kiwi fruit and limes and prunes. Not that the wall is that monotonous. It is slightly brighter in the middle and darker in the corners. Though that could be a trick of the lighting.
Someone should paint a mural on this wall. A mural of characters from Dr. Suess and Looney Toons. I wonder if the Cat in the Hat would have as much trouble catching the Roadrunner as Wile E. Coyote does. The Cat's pretty smart, and the Roadrunner isn't necessarily smart, he just survives because the coyote keeps buying his contraptions from Acme, which makes crap. How does that place stay in business?
Whoa, what's that spot? Was that little spot there yesterday? I couldn't have missed that, could I? It looks like someone came in and drew a little dot with a Sharpie. Someone . . . lefthanded. Who walks with a limp. But why? Wait . . . IT'S MOVING!!! What the-- Oh. It's a spider. Shit, I'm losing it. Hey, I never thought about it, but I wonder . . . what's behind this wall?] Behind this wall lies a device designed to free tyrant Samuel Wade from an impenetrable prison. [Whattaya mean, "tyrant"? Are we talking Stalin or the Vice Principal?] [Is this supposedly impenetrable prison the crystal prison of the title? Gimme a sledge hammer and stand back.] Though Martin doesn’t know about this device, he does know three teachers who used to work behind that wall have mysteriously disappeared. Well, that, and he’s the prime suspect. [Why?]
To solve these disappearances and clear his name, Martin must first master his mind’s rare ability to manipulate its surroundings. Turning invisible was great for playing pranks at his old school back home. But sneaking around unseen at night tends to arouse suspicion at a school where Martin’s talent isn’t so unique. [If he's unseen, and others have the same ability, why is he the one they suspect?]
Martin must then decide who deserves his trust in this secret, seemingly idyllic world of self-driving cars and death-defying medical technology. His best bet is the teacher who supposedly saved him from life as some government lab rat by dragging him to this school in the first place. But Martin suspects him in the disappearances. [If Martin suspects him, then why is he the best bet?] There’s also the school Director. But he suspects Martin. [Why?] As for the police, they weren’t much help during Samuel Wade’s iron-fisted rule five years ago. [Rule of the school? Usually impenetrable prisons are reserved for the worst criminals. What did Wade do?]
What’s really getting to Martin, though, is the discovery that Wade is his biological father. [Aha! It's Star Wars. Martin is Luke, Wade is Vader, and the blank wall is the Force.] Despite Martin’s affection for the adoptive parents who raised him, he feels drawn to his own flesh and blood. If Martin is to stop Wade’s return, [If he doesn't know about the device designed to free Wade, and Wade is in an impenetrable prison, why does he think he needs to stop Wade's return?] solving the mystery of the blank wall won’t be enough; he must also resist his father’s temptations. [Wouldn't it be more accurate to refer to the mystery of the missing teachers than the mystery of the blank wall?]
MARTIN MASON AND THE MAN IN THE CRYSTAL PRISON is an upper middle
grade fantasy, complete at 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
Martin is trying to stop Wade's return? Meaning if the device is used to free Wade, he will regain his power?
What is Martin trying to do, mentally create a door in the wall? There must be some way into that room besides manipulating matter.
Once you get to Martin must master his mind's ability etc. you lose the main plot thread. Dump the pranks and self-driving cars and focus on what Martin plans to do once he masters his ability. Instead of listing those who don't deserve his trust, tell us whom he does trust to help him, assuming there is someone. What, specifically, is the danger, and what can Martin do about it?
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Face-Lift 949
Guess the Plot
From the Diaries of Anna Butcher: Have a Great Summer
1. Mrs. Hoffman gives her first-year German students an assignment to be completed over summer vacation: translate into English the diaries kept by Holocaust victim Anna Butcher in Dachau.
2. When her best friend hooks up with her main crush, Anna is devastated. Life isn't worth living. Or at least it wouldn't be if it weren't almost time for . . . the annual summer mango festival!
3. A guide to making great sausage, scrapple, and mincemeat from roadkill you can pick up for nothing. Recipes presented in the form of humorous haiku.
4. On the eve of reconciling with her philandering husband, Anna Butcher sells his vintage guitar collection, quits her job, and hits the road in search of the perfect martini lounge.
5. A serial killer is hiding under the boardwalk, just up the beach, ten yards down from the ice cream stand. This is her story, in her own words. Don't order the Cherry Surprise.
6. After her junior year at Western High, Anna Butcher is ready for a summer of partying with her friends. Then her little brother Kirk scans all the pages of her diaries and posts them on the Internet. Maybe she can talk her parents into moving the family to Alaska.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Thirteen year old Anna Butcher leads a cursed life--- or, at least, that's what she believes. [Commas aren't needed around "at least." Actually, nothing after the dash would be needed if you inserted "believes she" after "Butcher."] Being a Butcher means relationships never work and [your clothes always smell like raw meat and] all the odds are stacked against you. [Leading a cursed life means the odds are stacked against you. So we already know the odds are stacked against her. Make that sentence more specific or dump it.] And just when things are looking up at the end of her eighth grade year and she begins to entertain the idea that maybe the curse doesn't exist, her best friend and life-long crush hook up at the Spring Fling. [Life-long crush? She's 13. Has she had this crush 13 years?]
Friendless [Her best friend was her only friend?] and heart-broken, Anna enters the summer before her ninth grade year anticipating nothing exciting except the annual Mango Festival and her dad's second wedding. But when her no-good cowboy boot wearing [boot-wearing] cousin from New Jersey, Rosalind, comes to town, Anna's summer goes from uneventful to frustratingly interesting. [In what way is Rosalind no-good?] Can all the chaos happening with Anna be mere coincidence, [I don't see this as chaos. Can you add a couple examples of frustratingly interesting chaotic incidents?] or is it the product of a curse put on her family long ago? [Was a curse put on her family? How was the curse worded?]
From the Diaries of Anna Butcher: Have a Great Summer is a contemporary middle grade story, complete at 42,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Notes
This is mostly setup. Once you set up the situation you need to tell us more about what happens than that Anna's cousin comes to town. And we need to know about the curse. Start with something like this:
According to Anna Butcher's grandmother, back in the 1600s a wronged Gypsy's dying words cursed the entire Butcher family and their descendants to never have a fulfilling relationship for eternity. So it comes as no surprise when Anna's best friend, Rosalita, hooks up with Anna's long-time crush. 8th grade can be such a drag.
With nothing to look forward to but her father's second wedding and the always-lame mango festival, could summer vacation be more horrible? Apparently so. Anna's cousin Elvira rolls into town and recruits Anna for an arson and murder spree.
Now you need to add a few sentences about how Anna deals with the chaos and how the curse is ultimately broken or disproved.
The title is unwieldy. Where do the diaries come in? Is it in diary form? Is Have a Great Summer supposed to be sarcasm? No will know that. They'll think it's about a great summer, and no one wants to read that. I recommend a simple title like My Shitty Summer, or Season of the Bitch.
Butcher is a lousy name. It makes people think of people getting butchered.
Friday, September 02, 2011
New Beginning 880 (Short Story)
As humans, we make promises to one another all the time. We make promises to be somewhere, then don’t show up, we make promises to call, then forget, we promise that “we will never do that again” only to repeat “that” over and over again; most of the time we make promises without considering that one day we may actually be called upon to uphold these promises. This is the story of one such promise.
I'd made the promise only a few years earlier, jokingly, now, I am standing here, my unfulfilled promise on the other side of this door, awaiting me.
I'm still finding it difficult to cope with. My mind keeps drifting back and forth between the present and the past making me feel very emotional and somewhat numb. I keep thinking that maybe this is really just some sick joke, maybe they've made a mistake, just some stupid mistake. People make mistakes all the time, right? I'm sure there's a room full of experts in white coats somewhere ready and waiting to tell me that I'm in the denial stage and give me a pamphlet on the subject, but what the hell do they know? Part of me knows that there's no use trying to make sense of it all, it will never make any sense, but trying to explain that to the other part of me is another matter entirely.
I find myself recalling a more innocent time, a sunshine-filled day when I had nothing to do but play with blocks and pull the dog's tail. But now the weight of my responsibilities presses upon me like a toppling marble statue of some Greek athlete--
"Oh for Pete's sake!" The door jerks open. My mother stands there in housecoat and curlers, cigarette dangling from her lips. "Are you gonna get started cleaning those gutters, Leroy, or are you just gonna lollygag on the porch all day?"
Opening: Brenda Delaney.....Continuation: Sarah Hawthorne
I'd made the promise only a few years earlier, jokingly, now, I am standing here, my unfulfilled promise on the other side of this door, awaiting me.
I'm still finding it difficult to cope with. My mind keeps drifting back and forth between the present and the past making me feel very emotional and somewhat numb. I keep thinking that maybe this is really just some sick joke, maybe they've made a mistake, just some stupid mistake. People make mistakes all the time, right? I'm sure there's a room full of experts in white coats somewhere ready and waiting to tell me that I'm in the denial stage and give me a pamphlet on the subject, but what the hell do they know? Part of me knows that there's no use trying to make sense of it all, it will never make any sense, but trying to explain that to the other part of me is another matter entirely.
I find myself recalling a more innocent time, a sunshine-filled day when I had nothing to do but play with blocks and pull the dog's tail. But now the weight of my responsibilities presses upon me like a toppling marble statue of some Greek athlete--
"Oh for Pete's sake!" The door jerks open. My mother stands there in housecoat and curlers, cigarette dangling from her lips. "Are you gonna get started cleaning those gutters, Leroy, or are you just gonna lollygag on the porch all day?"
Opening: Brenda Delaney.....Continuation: Sarah Hawthorne
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Success Story
Phoenix Sullivan reports that with the "Contagion" movie releasing next week, she decided to jump on the pandemic bandwagon and publish her novel SECTOR C as an ebook.
The query was Face-Lift 704.
The book's webpage is here: http://phoenixsullivan.blogspot.com/p/sector-c.html
It's available at Amazon, BN and Smashwords.
It's available at Amazon, BN and Smashwords.
Face-Lift 948
Guess the Plot
Planet Weird
1. It's a planet where the self-proclaimed most intelligent species passes down tall tales about super beings from generation to generation, until many of their descendants not only come to believe the stories . . . they will kill anyone who doesn't.
2. A purple alien from the planet Weird comes to Earth to study American politics and becomes the president of the United States. Also a hostile takeover.
3. When something dangerous starts possessing her fellow junior high students, Drazoral isn't affected because she's actually an Andromedan disguised as an 8th-grade Earthling. Should she go back to Andromeda or stay on "Planet Weird" and try to save her classmates?
4. Twelve-year-old Megan Conaway often tells her little brother that he belongs on Planet Weird. Imagine her shock when the king of Planet Weird spirits them both away one night to their "true" home, which is in danger of being overrun by the Normal People.
5. Alien Probe, the new ride at theme park Planet Weird, isn't exactly what patrons expect. They come out with no memory of what happened, and inflamed anuses.
6. Jim and Terry's sixth grade class are excited when they find that their field trip is to Planet Weird . . . until they learn they'll be in a cryostasis chamber for the next 73 years.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
When Drazoral [That sounds like a sleeping pill] comes to Earth disguised as a thirteen year old human named Drew Vardaman, she only wants two things: a life free from the obligation of saving others,
[Drazoral: I'm sick of saving people. I wanna go where I can watch people die and laugh about it.
Draz's mom: Be careful what you wish for. We might send you to Earth.]
and to graduate the eighth grade so she can officially become an Earth-citizen. Being Drew isn’t so terrible, and although Earth is weird, Drazoral doesn’t plan on going back to Andromeda any time soon.
Since the halls of Planet Jr. High are filled with Wanderers and Earthlings, alike, [The first comma isn't needed. Neither is "alike."] Drew has to learn quickly how to become this new version of herself or risk exposure. But when something dangerous starts possessing the students, she finds herself standing at the same crossroads she tried to run away from: risking her life to save others or living life to save herself. [Not clear what "living life to save herself" means.] [In what way is her life at risk if she saves others? We need to know what's possessing the students. "Something dangerous" is vague to the extreme.]
PLANET WEIRD is middle grade fiction complete at 45,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Notes
Are Wanderers all from Andromeda or is that a term for any aliens?
So Earthlings have to complete the 8th grade to become citizens of their own planet? And Wanderers aren't allowed to become Earth citizens even if they live here and complete the eighth grade? Not very enlightened of future us.
This is all setup. We know Drixoral is an Andromedan disguised as an Earthling, and her fellow students are possessed. What does she do? What can she do? Is everyone on Earth threatened? Does the fact that Drowsoral isn't possessed mean she is immune to this possession? If she has the power to save the other students, does that mean the other Wanderers, the ones who aren't in disguise, also have this power?
If aliens can disguise themselves to look like Earthlings, wouldn't we have tests to make sure we aren't being fooled? Wouldn't we at least check to see if there's any record of Draz completing the 7th grade? If a Wanderer disguised as an Earthling completes 8th grade, wouldn't we demand to see her birth certificate, social security card, blood color before declaring her a citizen?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
New Beginning 879
I'm worried about my family picnic. Why?
My upstairs neighbor Ruth Cohen, widow on a pension, says, "such angst I've never seen" and my downstairs neighbor Patsy, a retired hit man, says, "drink a little wine, eat some linguini, take the cannoli." Cecily and Tina, the lesbian line chefs, offered to cook and pretend to be my girlfriends. That's why I’m worried.
I rented grove three in Mingo Park. Three's nice, away from the drunks at the ball fields, away from the covered bridge photographers traipsing through the poison ivy, away from the trout stream sans trout that now attracting children in leaky, poison-filled diapers. This might actually work, I think. But still, I worry Half the members of my family raise chickens and pigs and still got that big, old six-foot satellite dish rusting next to the coop, the other half are city folk, pretending they ain't related to the first half.
I might die before I stop worrying.
* * *
"That's it? That's all it says?"
"That's all it says, lieutenant. We found it next to the, ah, remains."
"Well, I guess we should be thankful we've got something to go on. Lucky the ants didn't eat that as well."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.
My upstairs neighbor Ruth Cohen, widow on a pension, says, "such angst I've never seen" and my downstairs neighbor Patsy, a retired hit man, says, "drink a little wine, eat some linguini, take the cannoli." Cecily and Tina, the lesbian line chefs, offered to cook and pretend to be my girlfriends. That's why I’m worried.
I rented grove three in Mingo Park. Three's nice, away from the drunks at the ball fields, away from the covered bridge photographers traipsing through the poison ivy, away from the trout stream sans trout that now attracting children in leaky, poison-filled diapers. This might actually work, I think. But still, I worry Half the members of my family raise chickens and pigs and still got that big, old six-foot satellite dish rusting next to the coop, the other half are city folk, pretending they ain't related to the first half.
I might die before I stop worrying.
* * *
"That's it? That's all it says?"
"That's all it says, lieutenant. We found it next to the, ah, remains."
"Well, I guess we should be thankful we've got something to go on. Lucky the ants didn't eat that as well."
Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New Beginning 878
The broken glass of the windshield spiraled out like a web. The girl’s skull had shattered it on impact. Now her body slumped against the door of the vehicle, eyes staring out.
Even in the dim light, I knew she was dead.
Not so for the man in the driver’s seat. His breath came out in little rasps. I reached in through the window and touched his head. Just a little jolt, to blur his memories. When he came to, the scene would tell a story his mind could not place. He’d see the front of the vehicle smashed in, and the body of a buck sprawled out before it.
And he would know what had happened.
As for the girl, the one who’d climbed into his car a few miles back, well . . . He wouldn’t even remember her.
I dragged her body into the woods. Even in the darkness, she was a wonder to behold. Once a living organism, filled with possibility. Now a bag of skin containing sharp secrets.
Her blood stained my gloves.
I stripped off her clothes with less care than I’d like to admit. Underneath, she was as pale as I am. Her hair was a duller shade of red, but that was no surprise. What human would have hair like mine? If I wanted to pass as one of them, everything about me would have to be dimmed.
My wings rustled at the thought of it.
Her clothes were bigger than I anticipated and hung loosely from my body. But still it felt good, to be a little more like them. But smarter. Thanks to their genetic meddling, I was so much smarter, now.
I remembered the look on his face, as I had crossed the road in front of them. His wide eyes. The silent "Why?!" that his mouth screamed as the car swerved toward the tree.
Why? Because it's time for the oppressed to become free. Steel yourself, mankind, steel yourself for the rise of the planet of the chickens.
Opening: Chelsea P......Continuation: Anon.
Even in the dim light, I knew she was dead.
Not so for the man in the driver’s seat. His breath came out in little rasps. I reached in through the window and touched his head. Just a little jolt, to blur his memories. When he came to, the scene would tell a story his mind could not place. He’d see the front of the vehicle smashed in, and the body of a buck sprawled out before it.
And he would know what had happened.
As for the girl, the one who’d climbed into his car a few miles back, well . . . He wouldn’t even remember her.
I dragged her body into the woods. Even in the darkness, she was a wonder to behold. Once a living organism, filled with possibility. Now a bag of skin containing sharp secrets.
Her blood stained my gloves.
I stripped off her clothes with less care than I’d like to admit. Underneath, she was as pale as I am. Her hair was a duller shade of red, but that was no surprise. What human would have hair like mine? If I wanted to pass as one of them, everything about me would have to be dimmed.
My wings rustled at the thought of it.
Her clothes were bigger than I anticipated and hung loosely from my body. But still it felt good, to be a little more like them. But smarter. Thanks to their genetic meddling, I was so much smarter, now.
I remembered the look on his face, as I had crossed the road in front of them. His wide eyes. The silent "Why?!" that his mouth screamed as the car swerved toward the tree.
Why? Because it's time for the oppressed to become free. Steel yourself, mankind, steel yourself for the rise of the planet of the chickens.
Opening: Chelsea P......Continuation: Anon.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Face-Lift 947
Guess the Plot
Artificial Friendship
1. When you're an editor, is there really any other kind?
2. Charlie, the lonely school geek, builds a beautiful robot companion to hang out with. When she develops an independent streak that he never programmed, he's not sure whether to press her off-switch or try to win her silicon heart.
3. Shy, geeky nerd Grover Washington hides in class, gets straight As and is routinely given wedgies by classmates. If only he were like Stormward, the Blood elf he plays in World of Warcraft where he's in a guild with Horace the Dwarf and Meg the Gnome. When he learns that they're in his math class, will hilarity ensue?
4. Cassia's father gives her the best birthday present ever: Annie, an android friend. When Annie protects Cassia from a bird attack, instead of fleeing as it was programmed to do, the android's inventor wants to dismantle it. Ha! Over Cassia's dead body!
5. It's the answer to the prayers of sad and lonely people everywhere: robots programmed to become their best friends! Roy's Robotics thinks they have a surefire winner on their hands. Then someone turns on the robots in the factory. And they all befriend each other.
6. Lonely programmer Wesley Walters invents the Friend3000, a robot with artificial intelligence that is a boon to the detached and disaffected. All is well-- until the Friend3000 wins the Republican nomination for president.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
When Cassia first meets ANNIE, her initial reaction is delight – not only did her absentminded father finally remember her birthday, he has given her a wonderful present. ANNIE is the latest prototype of the android FRIENDs, whose friendship "lasts forever", the perfect gift for a girl with few friends.
However, a freak accident at the park soon changes Cassia's joy to concern, not for herself but for ANNIE. As a prototype, ANNIE's primary programming should have sent the android away from danger, [;] instead she protected the girl from an attack of genetically altered birds. [Even if Cassia somehow knows the birds have been genetically altered, it's not clear in what way. Maybe they should be described as vicious or savage or monstrous or malevolent. Or birds that make Hitchcock's look like lovebirds.] The daughter of a scientist who works on androids, Cassia knows such programming cannot malfunction without shutting down the android itself.
What allowed ANNIE to override that programming? Cassia is not the only one who wants the answer to this question. Branston, the mysterious inventor of FRIENDs, [Mysterious in that he has only one name.] [Instead of Branston call him Brainstorm. Sounds more like a supervillain.] plans to investigate the matter thoroughly, even if it means dismantling the android. However, Cassia won't let someone [anyone] destroy ANNIE, not after what happened, and certainly not without a fight.
At 58,000 words, Artificial Friendship is a science fiction novel for teens. The completed manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Notes
A nice query. To me it sounds like middle grade, even if Cassia's older, but of course I don't have the whole plot.
Perhaps the bird attack could be called an incident or an occurrence rather than an accident. And how much danger are these birds to an android?
If I invented an android friend, and I had to choose between programming it to handle danger by protecting its owner or by fleeing, I'm not sure how I'd justify choosing flight. Does this so-called "friend" also bully Cassia and steal her boyfriend?
I realize Annie's a prototype, but it's being given to a kid. It should be programmed to act like a friend forever, not a self-absorbed coward. What is Brainstorm's sales pitch when he sells Annie to Cassia's father? "It's just like the version that'll be in Best Buy, except I've programmed it to run away anytime your daughter is in danger."?
Now, if the android were programmed not to hurt humans, but shoved down a kid who was bullying Cassia, that would be a more controversial flaw. True, any flaw could mean there are others, but dismantling the kid's friend because it saved her from being pecked to death by ferocious finches? Not good.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Face-Lift 946
Guess the Plot
Lost in Atlanta
1. After an appearance at a science fiction convention in Atlanta, the cast of the TV show Lost can't find their way out of the city, leading many to speculate that their inability to get off the island was a result of stupidity.
2. 1862. Mary Jacobs runs away from her abusive master, heading for the North and freedom. When she follows a strange purple light in the woods, she ends up in modern Atlanta. With just the clothes on her back and the two silver coins in her kerchief, can she survive MARTA, hip-hop and Waffle House?
3. Birdie runs away from home to live in the streets of Atlanta. All she ever wanted was a normal life, so when a stranger offers her a fortune to go back in time and free the souls of hundreds of Viking warriors, she jumps at the opportunity.
4. With endless instructions to "turn left on Peachtree", and over 20 streets in the city by that name, Reginald Wasserhaus gets more and more lost. Finally he takes the subway to Lenox Square and sits down and has a Chick-Fil-A and a good cry.
5. A purple alligator-skin wallet, a single hiking boot, and a pair of pink satin boxer shorts-- it's just another day in the Lost and Found office at the Hartsfield Atlanta International Airport. Except that there's a little red suitcase on shelf 14B, and the sounds of tiny voices in heated conversation are issuing from inside it. In ancient Sanskrit.
6. When three pre-schoolers disappear from a daycare center in Atlanta, their parents are frantic and furious. Until the daycare manager points out that there are worse fates than being . . . lost in Atlanta.
Original Version
Seventeen-year-old runaway, [Comma not needed.] Birdie Orin will [would] attempt [do] almost anything to gain [have] the normal life that’s eluded her until now. [Sorry, I'll stop nitpicking.] After eight foster homes, her life isn’t improving any. [Do we need that sentence? We already know she's a runaway who's miserable. And it's not like foster parents are all serial torturers.] Atlanta’s city streets make a hostile home until she meets two men that change her life.
The first: a bearded stranger in a trench coat who informs her she’s the last descendant of an ancient Nordic tribe, and gives her an amulet which grants supernatural abilities to its wearer. He promises fortune and power [Power? What kind of power?] if she accepts a quest to free the souls of hundreds of Viking warriors. [I'm imagining how I would react if a bearded stranger in a trench coat told me all of this. I think I'd slowly back away from him and then start sprinting.] Traveling back in time, her task is to release her brethren trapped in a spell cast by one of two rival kings. [You've described Birdie as someone whose sole wish is to have a normal life. Is that type of person likely to care so much about fortune and power that she buys into this Viking story?]
The second: Grey Matthews, the boy who just bought her breakfast. Wary of dependence on anyone, Grey becomes her unlikely guardian and as they work together to master the magic of the amulet Grey works to break down the walls Birdies [Birdie's] built around her heart.
They have only months to master their new skills before she and Grey must travel through time to find the means of destroying the amulet, before those who would use its power for evil find them. [Those who would use its power for evil are looking for them? Who are they? Do they know Birdie has the amulet? If so, why will it take months for them to get to her? If not, how are they going to find out?] [I assumed the task was to go back in time and free the Vikings' souls, and the amulet was needed to accomplish this. Now you're saying the task is to go back in time and destroy the amulet.] [Is the amulet needed for time travel? If so, and they destroy the amulet in the past, how do they get home?]
Kind Regards,
Notes
The query is clearly written (I assume you'll put in word count, book title, etc.), but as you see, it inspires many questions. Decide whether you can efficiently answer some of them in the query. Here are a few more:
Was the amulet used by the king to cast the spell?
If so . . .
If Birdie goes back in time with the amulet, will the king who had the amulet back then still have it? Will Birdie still have it? Will there be two amulets?
If not . . .
Why can't she just destroy the amulet in present time?
Can she just throw the amulet to the bottom of the ocean instead of finding the means to destroy it?
Why does this bearded stranger care about these Vikings if he's not one of their descendants?
I assume there's a good reason Birdie's parents and grandparents and great grandparents etc. weren't approached about performing this task?
I'm not clear on what the amulet does. Birdie needs it to break the spell and someone else wants it to do evil. Does it just allow its owner to do anything they want?
How are Birdie and Grey supposed to figure out how it works?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
New Beginning 877
"Bless me Father, you you have sinned, and we both know what you did. You have never confessed because you thought you were safe..."
"This is the confessional of the Holy Church. A sacrament..."
"Yes it is, Father. And this is a gun. It's pointed at you. All you have to do is yell out and I'll be caught. You'll be dead but I'll be caught."
There was a long pause. The barrel of the automatic pressed against the grill of the confession booth.
"You are sick, my son, and in the name of the Lord I am willing to hear your confession."
"You are afraid, Father. Now, follow me out of the church. There's a small crowd, they won't miss you stirring sermon. Walk with me, Father."
Father Constant rose slowly, left the confessional, and walked out of the Church of St Aloysius.
Three blocks on, down a dim alley, the gunman turned to confront the priest. "Right. Now we-- What the...? Shit! Where'd he go?"
Even so devout a priest as Father Constant could see what the gunman did not: Sometimes, faith alone is not sufficient.
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anon.
"This is the confessional of the Holy Church. A sacrament..."
"Yes it is, Father. And this is a gun. It's pointed at you. All you have to do is yell out and I'll be caught. You'll be dead but I'll be caught."
There was a long pause. The barrel of the automatic pressed against the grill of the confession booth.
"You are sick, my son, and in the name of the Lord I am willing to hear your confession."
"You are afraid, Father. Now, follow me out of the church. There's a small crowd, they won't miss you stirring sermon. Walk with me, Father."
Father Constant rose slowly, left the confessional, and walked out of the Church of St Aloysius.
Three blocks on, down a dim alley, the gunman turned to confront the priest. "Right. Now we-- What the...? Shit! Where'd he go?"
Even so devout a priest as Father Constant could see what the gunman did not: Sometimes, faith alone is not sufficient.
Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anon.
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