New Beginning 1081

May 4, 1970. Her life changed.

Shilo lost her unarmed brother and her sweet room mate [roommate] Johanna. Now decades later, sick of swallowing the bile[,] she woke up angry in 2018, pissed to her limit and decided that will do. Time to find the shooters. Just enough. The two people she loved the most, ripped from life so young. For what?

As a mother, grandmother, soon to be great grand mother [grandmother,] Shiloh woke up very angry that anniversary day. She’d find the shooters and make them pay. After vomiting at dawn she rinsed her mouth and looked at her old sad face in the mirror.

“You sons of bitches. You are so done. You’ll know what it means to… die.”

Her chin lifted, she wiped her tears. Justice would be served. Her life was coming to a close. She had nothing to lose. But those bastards sure did.

“Just watch me,” she promised the two people who meant the world, the whole world to her. “I’m going to make it right.” Because no else has…or will.

She showered, went down stairs [downstairs] and had a great full fry breakfast – pork belly pea meal rolled bacon, eggs, fried green tomatoes and how she relished the sour taste of those ‘matoes.

“I’m coming for you. You had no right. If no one has or [else] will make it right, I’m gonna.”

Shilo sat on her computer for hours. Days. [Then decided it would be more productive to sit in front of it.] When she got the name of the man who authorized the shooting she got in her car, loaded for bear.

Payback is a bitch – and its [it's] named Shilo. With stage four whatever, she had one more thing to do before she died. And bloody hell, she was going to [do] it. She grinned as she hit the road.

This was going to feel real good.

Without taking her eyes off the road, she flipped open the picnic basket riding in the passenger seat and groped around for the ziplock full'a those 'matoes.

Gotta keep the bile pumping.


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: JCWrites


Notes

If Shilo were going to die alone in a few months, it might be plausible that she wants to go out with this kind of bang, but she's a mother, grandmother, soon to be great grandmother. I find it hard to believe she wouldn't rather spend her remaining time with some of her family than trying to kill some guy who's probably pushing eighty by now.

Neither of the women killed at Kent State was named Johanna. So you've either created a third (fictional) female victim or changed the name of a victim. Not that this isn't done. Saving Private Ryan was loosely based on a real person who wasn't named Ryan. Not sure why this feels different to me.

Shilo originally sets out to find the shooters. At least 29 guardsmen shot their weapons, so is she going after all 29, or does she somehow know which two shot the bullets that killed her brother and Johanna?

Later Shilo is just going after the man who authorized the massacre, which makes more sense, although killing a guy who has maybe one more decade to live isn't much payback for the six decades taken from the victims, plus how does she know that anyone authorized it?

If you're sending a few pages or chapters to an agent or editor, a bunch of minor errors on page 1 is likely to doom you.

I recommend writing a novel in which a team of people with stage 4 whatever parachute into some danger zone on a mission to kill the head of a terrorist group or the American president. It would be like The Dirty Dozen, but instead of convicted killers it's terminal patients.

New Beginning 1080

I was in a taxi  in Asia and my foot hit a bag on the floor. I opened it after pulling it up on my lap. OMG. Money, money and more money. Stunned, I shut it quickly. I did NOT want the driver to see/notice this frigging huge windfall and get killed for it. I live in a third word (emerging?) country.  Emerging from what? Wish I knew.

I left the taxi after fighting over the over charge these countries pull. 50 HK dollars for each bag in HK taxis. Taxi drivers in China taking off with your bags still in the trunk. Laos (pronounced Low as in allowed) enough.

I had a huge bundle of free money. A fortune.  Enough for a year or more in the shit hole I was in. Five years in Nepal, oh God can I really get to Katmandu? Landing there is pretty tricky by plane. Too old to walk to first base camp, but with dough I could hire a Sherpa team of men to haul my stuff and afford to buy or rent a yak I could ride to my one bucket dream. With all this cash, should I live out that part of my bucket list or try and find the person whose money it was and give it back.

So I prayed a lot and…

For once, God answered me, saying, "That's My money. I left it in the cab while I ran into Starbucks for a decaf latte, and the frigging driver took off with My luggage in the trunk. Damn Asian taxi drivers, they'll all burn in hell if I have My way. And I do have My way. Anyway, do Me a solid and drop it off at the nearest SPCA chapter. 

Oh, and forget your bucket list. If you can't get to the first base camp without a yak, you won't make it fifty meters up Everest, you moron.

Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuatioin: EE



Notes

P1: Sounds like you're saying you don't want the driver to get killed for the money.

Third world

P2: Last sentence doesn't make sense. No need for pronunciation lesson.

P3: Kathmandu. Question mark after last sentence.

New Beginning 1079

I was man who has been on estro stuff. I had my apple (adam’s or Adam? I’m Russian so English isn’t well very much) removed, got new nose with a bridge (bridges for cars?), and chin something done to smooth and round out classic but related at Fabio salute to romance novel covers. I am in a strange country, staying with gay friend who took off leaving me alone after I screamed and yelled in the hall belonging to his apartment building and pounding my forehead on the tile floor. The other night.

It my 22nd birthday. I had face mask after new nose and chin, I didn’t know or care the neighbors opened their doors to see if I was being killed or killing. Gay friend, also Ruskie told them he told me he picked me up from the floor assured the neighbors I was coming out of aneasth - whatever they call it, a gas, and please, don’t call the police. I fought and kicked with my spikes. Drew blood. Laughed. Happy I hurt him. He’s stupid.

He wai’d, in Thailand saying mi pen lie or some words I couldn’t get to the opening door people. Then dragged me into his apartment and I sleep in the bathroom. On the floor. I explained him floor in bathroom better than couch. Now my back hurts. My spikes hurt back when I walk and hurts when I flip flop my beautiful long hair.

I don’t know but he never cares or gives care over my hormones or my birthday. But I make him take me for big dinner, on a boat on a river. With band. He must pay for me. I am guest. Is Russian way.

They made me trade places with man I did not meet. Now I live with crazy family. Many people take pictures of us. I have new name. I am called Caitlin.


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Khazarkhum

Notes

Deleting the words "a" and "the" everywhere, or using them everywhere you've left them out would make the Russian accent more consistent. Unless the person is learning proper English but only sometimes reverts to the broken English.

If the entire story is told in this POV, I hope it's a (very) short story. Readers won't want to work this hard for very long.

New Beginning 1078

I am sick. Sick from getting messages from the other side. I am not special but I see things and stuff. Dead people I’ve never met. Relatives of friends, I feel their joy, see the brightest colors and the cookies, so enticing and yummy. They smell of vanilla and ginger and nutmeg.

And my great great grandmamma. When I am still and quiet she kind of whispers to me. I made great fruit pies she says. And I loved my garden and chickens and that old goat who butted me when I was bent low weeding. Bloody Billy I called him. His ass butting when I bent down to weed the garden toppled me so much I told my husband he goes or I go. You pick.

So goat stew it was. Never enjoyed a meal so much in my life. No curry, just meat, earth root veg and Bloody Billy. Yum and my buttocks never felt his horns again. We cooked him fresh, hung and root cellared parts and hung his horns on our door, on the outside of the porch.

That son of a gun was better in a pot than on the hoof.

Although I guess you could say that goat did get in one last attack on my buttocks, since the aftermath of my Bloody Billy feast was like a three-day bender fueled with whiskey and Taco Bell.


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Khazar-khum


Notes

P1: Delete the first two sentences. You don't follow up the claim that you're sick. Get rid of things or stuff, no need for both.

P2: Change "And" to "I see." Delete "kind of." Quotation marks around what Grandmamma whispers, or italicizing it if it's not really happening would help. "I loved my garden and chickens and that old goat" followed by making goat stew seems contradictory. Why didn't she just tie the goat to a tree while weeding? She wouldn't give a goat access to the garden anyway, weeding or not.

P3: "meat, earth root veg and Bloody Billy." Aren't Bloody Billy and the meat the same thing? 

"hung his horns on our door, on the outside of the porch." = "hung his horns on the outside of the porch door."

Face-Lift 1373

Guess the Plot

To Chase a Sky

1. Earl Watley's mom and dad are so dirt poor Earl doesn't even have a sky over his head. No sun, no clouds, no birds, no nothing. The day he turns eighteen, man, he's heading for Montana.

2. Lani and her dragon love soaring into the air and touching the sky. They'd have a good chance of winning the upcoming dragon race, but unfortunately Lani's dragon is invisible and invisible dragons have been banned. 

3. Cryptozoologist Gary Mursted has heard that there are fairies out on Key West. And you can get your mind out of the gutter right now, thankyouverymuch.

4. Kailee Bountry needs a lot of miracles, including a lung, heart, kidney and pancreas transplant. Her only dream is to see the sky up close, even closer than an airplane. Can astronaut Barry Kender and NASA scientists make her dream come true?

5. Lenny has always dreamed of becoming a pilot, but with his paralysis he believes the dream to be out of reach. Can the mysterious  old man who just moved in next door teach Lenny that his dream is not so far out of reach? 

6. Veronica Chase follows the clouds in Tornado Alley, posting close-ups of extreme storms on Youtube. When, she meets rival storm chaser Maximilian Sky, her posts start trending, but  not because of the twisters. Because of (hunky) Max. Caught in a compromising position with him in front of a record-breaking cyclone, will she choose to post and possibly lose him forever?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Magic-less in a world of magic, Lani is as invisible as her best friend and bonded dragon, Orys. Flying is the only thing they can do better than anyone else. The Ayrnec, a dragon race, is Lani’s chance to show the world her worth—and the winner’s prize is her only shot at reuniting with her long-lost father. However, Orys [has been] banned due to his invisibility. [Is Lani also banned due to her invisibility?]

Determined to find a way in, Lani and Orys search for the cause of his invisibility. They traverse alleys held up by more spellwork than stone, avenues gleaming with runework gears, night markets thick with spices and red with lanterns, and discover the truth in an ancient dragon’s cave:

Lani’s magic was stolen, [So she hasn't always been magic-less. If Orys lost his colors when she lost her magic, it's pretty obvious what caused Orys's invisibility. Now, what caused Lani's?] the effect leaking across their bond and taking Orys’ colors. [Tack this sentence onto the previous paragraph.]

In a city of enchanted machinery, [alleys held up by more spellwork than stone, and avenues gleaming with runework gears,] Lani unearths a blood magician who claims he can give Orys back his colors. Blood magic is illegal, but unless she tracks down the thief in possession of her magic in time for the race, this may be her only choice. [chance]

What she doesn’t realize is the blood magician intends to break her bond with her best friend, the dragon who sees her when no one else can. [What does he get out of breaking their bond?]

TO CHASE A SKY is a standalone YA fantasy with MG appeal, complete at 94,000 words. It is an #ownvoices, Taiwan-inspired novel. [It sounds more like an MG novel with YA appeal. How old is Lani?]

I am a Taiwanese bookstagrammer with 14.6k followers on Instagram.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,


Notes

Would a fresh coat of paint make Orys visible?

Restoring Lani's magic and Orys's colors might be a satisfying ending, but far more satisfying would be for them to use their invisibility to take revenge on the race's administrators by burning down the judges' platform, crashing into the other dragons during the race, and dive-bombing the spectators. It would be like the prom scene at the end of Carrie.

Even if Lani is YA-age, this query sounds more appealing if the book is MG. 

Feedback Request

The author of New Beginning 1072 has provided a new attempt, in which:


"I have moved the beginning of the narrative back a bit to hopefully clear a few things up:"



The salt that gave the Blood Flats their color made them near-impossible to farm. [I would just say "impossible," unless people are farming there, in which case I would say nothing.] They also flooded with seawater on occasion, and [forcing] the small collective of which I was a part [member?] would need to migrate to the forest. [Why are the people living where they can't grow food and their homes flood with sea water? Why not live in the forest?] However, the Blood Flats did have their uses; the barrenness of the land provided excellent visibility, the priests had to walk for several days to bring us supplies, [I take back my suggestion that they live in the forest. I now recommend that the collective move to wherever it is the priests go to get the supplies.] and there were a few caves and unpolluted springs. Best of all, some of the rock could be poisonous.  [It sounds like you think you've listed uses of the Blood Flats, but nothing you've listed tells me what the flats are used for. You've simply described the flats: barren, with a few caves and springs and rocks.] [Also, some of the rocks could be poisonous? Why not say some of the rocks were poisonous?] Unfortunately, we were having difficulty getting small enough pieces to make into weapons.

We had rope, of course, [Why "of course"? I wasn't wondering if you had rope, nor was I thinking rope would be great to have on the Blood Flats.] woven from the few tough grasses that grew in the less toxic parts of the Blood Flats. It was great for mundane use, [like making rope ladders for when we had to migrate to the forest and live in tree houses,] but would not stand up long to the Dragon Warlord. Wood had a similar problem. Our only hope of defeating the Dragon warlord lay in stone, and our combined talents. [So far the only talent you've mentioned is rope weaving.]

Soon, the Dragon Warlord would need to eat. [Wait, is the Dragon Warlord a dragon? Why do they call it a warlord?] We were running out of time. [To do what? Does the Dragon Warlord eat people, or does it/he force people to provide it/him with food? ] Han, trying to pick up a boulder, collapsed. [You're running out of time, and this guy's trying to pick up a boulder? For what?] He had been using Hope to work harder than anyone else, not quite believing that the innocent-looking blue leaves could be deadly. [What blue leaves? He collapsed while trying to pick up a boulder for some reason, not while doing something with blue leaves. Unless...Is "Hope" a typo, and he was using Rope? Or is Hope a plant with blue leaves?] [Why would a person try to pick up a boulder? According to Wikipedia, in common usage, a boulder is too big to be moved by a person. They provide this photograph and caption.) 



This balancing boulder, "Balanced Rock" stands in Garden of the Gods park in Colorado Springs, Colorado. 

Notes

If you're worried about a dragon, and you haven't yet come up with a weapon that can defeat it, I would think you'd live in the forest, not a place with great visibility.

I'm sure all my questions are answered eventually in the book, but if we can avoid inspiring so many questions in the first few paragraphs it'll be a big improvement.

Face-Lift 1372

Guess the Plot 

Damnation

1. When King Lortar learns that his subjects want to remedy the famine with a pagan ritual--an obvious affront to mighty Vulfrum, creator of all things--he decides to kill them all. Better to rule over no one than to serve under Vulfrum, aka the Lord of Wrath. 

2. It was bad enough that Mary's husband accepted the bet in the first place, but now she'll have to raise their unborn child on her own, all because he lost a stupid fiddling competition and ended up in Hell.

3. A tour of various cultures' afterlives throughout the ages, and what principles to follow (or break) to get there. After all, one society's paradise is another's nightmare. And everyone's going to somebody's hell.

4. Reverend Franklin has an African ministry and a great idea to feed the poor, generate cheap power, and promote a vibrant economy. He borrows billions from Chinese banks and builds dams all over Botswana. One niggling problem: It never rains. Now the bankers want their investment back and because they are the Hong Kong Tong, they’ll take it in blood.

5. When charismatic minister Bobby Follet is shot dead at a BBQ for Jesus, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, the Hells Angels didn't do it, and two, those ribs are heavenly.

6. The Beavers have built an enormous dam surrounding their entire nation, to separate themselves from el Castor. They believe this will give them peace, prosperity, and safety. But now their lawns are out of control, their fruits unharvested, and no one can come up with any fresh new ideas for how to combine corn, beans, tomatoes, and ground beef. Have these silly rodents made a terrible mistake?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Within the marble citadel of the Eternal City, whence [where] the last Stolthelmite emperor took his dying breath, the Clan of Sodlur stands against foes on all sides. King Lortar the Just, High Priest of the Temple Imperial and head of the Sodlur family, governs the crown lands of the deceased emperor. As famine, poverty, and intrigue suffocate his nascent realm, he fights to keep it from falling to dust. [This is all pretty dry. A lot of words, but not telling us what happens. There's a realm, and within this realm are some crown lands, and inside them is the Eternal City, and inside the Eternal City is a marble citadel, and inside the citadel is the Temple Imperial. That's more geography than I want in the first three sentences. I want story. King Lortar is enough; we don't need High Priest of the Temple Imperial and head of the Sodlur family. We don't know what the Temple Imperial is, and kings do tend to be the head of their family.]

His heir, Crown Prince Asuf, courts the mad daughter of his most hated adversary. His bastard son, Vinrik, sequesters himself bitterly in the royal library’s darkest corners in search of forbidden knowledge. [I can't tell if Vinrik is the bastard son of Asuf or of Asuf's most hated adversary or of Lortar.] Both have their own ideas of what is best for the kingdom. [I can't tell if "both" refers to Asuf and Vinrik or Vinrik and the mad daughter.] They could not be more opposed—not to each other, nor to their sovereign. [Pronouns are great, but only if it's obvious which noun(s) they refer to.] [Also, if two people couldn't be more opposed to each other, at least one of them could be more opposed to their sovereign.]

Whilst [While] his sons pursue their separate goals, Lortar learns that his subjects seek to remedy the famine with a medicine most foul: pagan ritual. This affront to mighty Vulfrum cannot stand. The heathens must be purged, [The heathens, meaning Lortar's subjects? I suppose killing all your subjects is one way to reduce the effects of a famine, but perhaps it's not his subjects who favor the pagan ritual, but a small yet vocal faction who call themselves the Starving Skeptics?] for Vulfrum is the Lord of Wrath; the one true god and creator of all things. To permit the worship of eldritch idols is to invite the fires of hell, and the bloody ambitions of rival clans. 

The Warring States era is upon the Clan of Sodlur. They will either endure beneath the pressure, or be crushed, and swept away with their names and legacies buried and forgotten.

Damnation is a 151,000-word high fantasy with elements of political thriller and Lovecraftian horror. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

This is mostly setup. If the pagan ritual is the key plot point, open with that:

When famine strikes the Stolthelmite realm, King Lortar's subjects decide to remedy the situation with a pagan ritual. But Lortar knows this affront to mighty Vulfrum, the Lord of Wrath, invites the fires of hell--and the bloody ambitions of rival clans. The heathens must be purged.

Lortar's sons both have their own ideas on how to keep the realm from falling to dust. Vinrik searches the darkest corners of the royal library for magic spells that could end the drought, while Asuf seeks an alliance through marriage with his clan's most hated adversary.

Of course it's possible the pagan ritual is a minor subplot. Choose a main character to star in the query, and tell us what he wants, what's stopping him from getting it, how he plans to get around that, and what will happen if he fails. 

I'm not crazy about the names Sodlur, Lortar, and Vulfrum. 

Face-Lift 1371

Guess the Plot

Relict

1. An illiterate Republican senator wins reelection.

2. 1878. When the lake that formed the natural boundary between the Cole ranch and the Parker ranch dries up, both families lay claim to the new land. Will this dispute make it all the way to the Supreme Court, or will it simply result in a range war? Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

3. The moon has been destroyed, but there's plenty of moon dust floating in rings around Earth, and moon dust is the world’s most precious energy resource, so of course war is inevitable.

4. A geologist and an archaeologist team up to salvage what artifacts remain after an earthquake destroys an Egyptian pyramid. But one American billionaire wants first crack at a priceless amulet, and will do whatever it takes to get it. Including . . . murder!

5. When an ancient reliquary disappears from the Louvre, it's up to ace detective Louis Charlemagne to recover it, along with its contents: the skull of Saint Augustine.

6. Lawyer Benident Screw has a new client who has been accused of murdering a stranger, stealing a priceless painting, and disturbing the peace. Can Mr. Screw defend his client when he knows it's all true?


  
Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Sylar spends his life [has been] researching the Earth’s rings in the fourteen years since the Moon was destroyed and Ring Sickness claimed four billion. The Silver Sifters don’t care if Sylar finds a more stable future for mankind. The slavers [They just] want his self-sustaining cache of Moon Dust, the world’s most precious energy resource. [I can't speak for how things will be done in the future, but currently we don't capitalize energy resources, the moon, or diseases that aren't named after people or places.] 

Rumors are widespread that Sifter leader, Grant Star, faces war. [I don't feel those commas are needed.] He needs resources before it breaks out. He needs Sylar’s Moon Dust. And he will paint his city with blood to get it. As the hunt begins, Sylar contacts the other Moon Dust syndicate vying for control of the Pacific Northwest. [Not sure if you mean control of the Moon Dust reserves or total governmental control of the geographical area. Also, calling something the "other" Moon Dust syndicate, suggests you've already mentioned one Moon Dust syndicate. Are the Silver Sifters a Moon Dust syndicate? Is Sylar the head of a syndicate? Is Star hunting for Sylar or for his Moon Dust? Does Sylar have his Moon Dust on his person, or is it hidden somewhere? Is it dangerous to have Moon Dust? I ask because I suspect Moon Dust can cause Ring Sickness.] 

Their captain gives him an option. [Offers him a deal? It's not really an option unless there's more than one.] Help take down Grant in return for protection along with anything he needs for his research. But there is a price for picking sides. [Give us your Moon Dust.] A gruesome one. By the end of the night Sylar will have to choose who dies. His friends, or Sifter slaves. [Now that's an option.] [Tough decision, with several factors to consider. How many friends are we talking about, and how many slaves? Would the slaves prefer death to slavery? Is it possible to spend fourteen years studying moon rings and still have friends?]

RELICT is a YA Sci Fi complete at 76000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. [If Sylar's been researching Earth's rings for 14 years, I'm guessing he's way too old to be the main character of a YA book. He must be at least 30.] 



[Author's note: RELICT (the title) comes from the fact that the Moon is gone and the Earth is drastically changed.]  



Notes

Silver Sifter sounds too much like Silver Surfer. It's like calling your villains the Black Pinchers. Are they called that because they sift through Moon Dust searching for silver?

What destroyed the moon?

I don't get how Sylar's friends got involved. Is Grant holding Sylar's friends hostage? Is it like this?

Other Syndicate: Will you help us take down Grant Star?
Sylar: Yes.
O.S.: Great. Now, decide who you want to die, your friends or the Sifters' slaves.

Who would win a battle between the Silver Sifters and the Silver Surfer?

Opportunity

It's that magical time of year again, when the Fark Fiction Anthology looks for contributors. All the gory details are here:

http://farkfiction.net/ffa2018/TermsAndConditions.html 

All proceeds go to St Jude's for Children.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1370 requests feedback on the following version of the query:



Ilana will never forgive herself for what she did to Lucrezia. Though they were raised as sisters, they share no blood or last name - one is Pond, the other Skye. What they do share is a desire for family, and that’s what Pond and Skye were - until Ilana’s Celestian tore Lucrezia’s face apart and a monster was born. [What did Ilana do to Lucrezia?] [Usually when one character tears another character's face apart, we consider the one who did the tearing a monster. Apparently Lucrezia became a monster, and not because of how her face now looks. Was Ilana's Celestian at least charged with assault?]

Ilana and Lucrezia live in a world shared by two races: Humans, and Celestians - intelligent beings whose animal-like bodies [When you say "animal-like," I'm not sure whether to picture an elephant or a mouse. Is there a specific animal they most resemble?] are made of earth, air, water, and fire.  Once they lived in harmony, [I wouldn't call it living in harmony when members of one race periodically tear apart the faces of members of the other race.] but now war is brewing, and Ilana and Lucrezia fight for opposing sides. Ilana - a fierce and loyal warrior - stands with Humans who see Celestians as equals, worthy of respect. [While Lucrezia sees Celestians as creatures who will tear your face apart on a whim.] But many live in constant fear of Celestians, and Lucrezia, forever scarred by her experience, has stoked that fear into hate. [Do you mean her own fear has grown into hatred, or that she stokes others' fear into hatred, like if she had a Fox News show where she spewed out lies about Celestians? In any case, I feel some of the credit for stoking the fear into hate lies with Ilana's Celestian.]

When Lucrezia murders [assassinates] the ruler of their world, [Why?] it’s the final straw for Ilana. [I let it go when you moved out of our house, and even when you joined the Anti-Celestian party, but I simply cannot turn a blind eye to your murdering the ruler of our world.] She sets out with her Celestian (a quick-witted gryphon) to kill her sister...but and when they come face-to-face, Pond and Skye find they cannot hate each other. [Wait, is this Celestian Ilana has with her the same one that tore Lucrezia's face apart? Because if my Celestian tore my sister's face apart, I'd have it put down and look for a more docile one.] [Also, if I'm Lucrezia and my sister approaches, accompanied by the Celestian that tore my face apart, I'm shooting first and asking questions later.] Everything Ilana values is about to be tested, for to defend Celestians is to destroy the only family she’s ever known.

Pond and Skye is a fantasy story of loyalty, family, and discrimination. [The] Hunger Games meets His Dark Materials, it is complete at 70,000 words. [You don't mention the ages of your characters, but the books you're comparing the book to feature teens and children. If your book isn't YA, maybe find an adult fantasy it's similar to. If it is YA, say so. Also, it's not necessary to make comparisons unless requested, but if you do, you don't need to choose two of the bestselling books of all time.] It features LGBTQ+ characters and a protagonist of color in a world where skin color isn’t what sparks hatred - either you’re Human, or you aren’t.


Notes

Twice you refer to "Ilana's" Celestian. As if Celestians are pets or slaves or property. What makes this gryphon Ilana's? Is Ilana also considered the gryphon's human?

Are their last names significant in some way? I think the query would be better with just their first names. The problem with that being that you've used their last names as the title. Of course the title could be Ilana and Lucrezia. Or Skyler and Lucy.

I'm not sure we need the face-tearing. It seems to lead to a lot of questions you don't answer. It does give Lucrezia a motive for hating Celestians, but I got the impression you wanted to show that Celestians were hated by some Humans unjustly because they look different. Of course someone whose had her face torn apart by a Celestian is going to be somewhat biased.

That they find they cannot hate each other isn't much of a wrap-up. Do they have a shared goal they can work together to accomplish? What do they want to do, and what's standing in their way? For instance, now that Lucrezia's killed the ruler, it seems like their shared desire for family is out of the question, as Lucy will be dead, imprisoned, or on the run, but maybe they can steal other people's identities and open a mead shop.

 Irrelevant science: 99% of the Human body is made up of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. If we consider the oxygen and hydrogen water (55 -60% of the body) and the nitrogen (plus more oxygen) to be air, and the minerals to be earth, Humans are the same as Celestians, except we aren't on fire. How do they know Celestians are part fire? Is the fire visible?

Face-Lift 1370

Guess the Plot

Pond and Skye

1. Mr. Pond and Miss Skye are typical neighbors during the week. However, every weekend they team up as a top spy team. When software known by the acronym T.E.R.R.A. threatens the world's supply of data, can this amazing duo save us all? 

2. In a world shared by two intelligent races, Humans and Celestians, Lucrezia Skye is set on wiping out the Celestians, while Ilana Pond wants to protect them. Not only do these young women hold the planet's future in their hands, but since they're sisters, those family dinners can get awkward.

3. Geoff Pond is involved in the archaeological dig in a medieval ruins in Scotland when his daughter Skye says her brother and Geoff's son have been in a terrible accident. Rob 'Frog' Pond, comatose, starts giving clues to priceless relics in Geoff's dreams, but is Rob leading Geoff astray?

4. Pond, a Poodle puppy, and Skye, a Siamese kitten, must join forces to find their way home after being inadvertently left at a Minnesota truck stop. Will they make it home in time for little Lindsey's birthday?

5. Pond and Skye are fated to be mortal enemies, like Romeo and Juliet if Romeo were an albino plant monster named Skye that came from the sky, and Juliet were the creature from the black lagoon, except Pond is more of a mutant triffid from a toxic dumping ground puddle. Also, a wallaby poacher. 

6. In this inspirational picture book, faeries Pond and Skye teach small children important lessons about the dangers of untied shoelaces, failing to hold the hand-rail when going up or down stairs, riding on the side of the kart in the supermarket and spiking the day care staffs’ coffee with rat poison.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Novel Title: Pond and Skye

When Ilana and Lucrezia were allowed to choose new last names, Lucrezia chose Skye - vast and powerful, like herself. “Can I be the Sea?” Ilana asked. “No,” Lucrezia explained, “you’re more of a pond.” [You said they were allowed to choose their last names, but the book's title suggests Ilana got stuck with Pond instead of Sea. Did she?]

Years later, Ilana has yet to escape her foster sister’s shadow. Pond and Skye live in a world shared by two races: Humans, and Celestians - intelligent beings whose bodies are made of earth, air, water, and fire. Fierce and loyal, Ilana fights alongside a wisecracking gryphon [Are gryphons Humans or Celestians or neither? If neither, isn't the world shared by three races?] to protect the world’s balance, while Lucrezia, vindictive and cunning, seeks to tear it apart. If Lucrezia gets her way Celestians will be wiped out, leaving the world to be ruled by Humans [and gryphons].

Ilana knows what needs to be done. [Meaning Lucrezia must be killed? I find it hard to believe all the Humans on Lucrezia's side will abandon their cause because their leader has been eliminated. More likely the rift between the sides will be widened.] The war on Celestians begins and ends with Lucrezia. But Ilana is small as a pond, and Lucrezia is the only family she’s ever known. An entire race hangs in the balance...does Ilana have what it takes to save it? [Seems highly unlikely.]

Pond and Skye is a New Adult Fantasy story of loyalty, family, and discrimination. It features LGBTQ+ characters and a protagonist of color in a world where skin color isn’t what sparks hatred - either you’re human, or you aren’t. [Is Ilana a Human?] It is complete at 70,000 words and will appeal to the same people who devoured The Hunger Games and His Dark Materials.

Sincerely,


Notes

Why does the war on Celestians begin and end with Lucrezia? Why is either of these women so important? Do they have super powers? Is Lucrezia the queen of the world? Is the planet's population less than 50? I think you need to tell us who's in charge on this world. If it's Pond and Skye, you wouldn't think they'd need someone's permission to choose their last names. If it's someone else, why are these two the focus of the book? Who are they?

Face-Lift 1369

Guess the Plot

The Art of the Steal

1. Theodore Gobblin, although blind and missing both arms, crafts exquisitely intricate installation pieces from steel. You will laugh, you will cry as you follow his remarkable journey as he overcomes adversity and... What? Steal? Never mind. 

2. When a bunch of kids break into a house during a power outage, they are delighted to find more cash and jewelry than they dreamed of. Stealing it was easy. Fencing and laundering is a little harder. So they turn to a mobster for help. Turns out it was the mobster's boss's home they broke into in the first place. Oops.

3. Art gallery manager Lucy Highgrove’s just signed a 2-year lease on a snazzy apartment when the gallery owner dies suddenly. Lucy’s sure to lose her job. Unless . . . Setting fire to the gallery means insurance might keep it open. But the night she chooses, someone more dangerous than Lucy has the same idea.

4. When one of her paintings is stolen, an art student is secretly thrilled that someone likes her work enough to steal it--until she learns the thief only wants it to cover up the masterpiece he's planning to smuggle out of the museum.

5. That total hellbitch from Johnson High, Kaycie Matterson, has written a how-to manual for taking guys away from 'undeserving' girls. Everything's just peachy until Lora Roberts decides to apply Kaycie's foolproof method against her, winning over hunky Chad Arnold in the process.

6. Mayfaire Woddy liked to consider himself a gentleman burglar, until the lithograph (Dante's Hells, 13/666) he stole turned out to be demonically possessed. Now he must find and steal the other 665 prints and the original lithographic plate used to print them or end up a red streak of ink in the picture.

7. Rody is a modern day pirate. Music, art, dance moves; they've all fallen sway to his wiles. Yet when someone plagiarizes his stolen work, he discovers that sometimes it takes a thief to catch a thief. 

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Four years ago, free-spirited artist Emily Sanger turned her back on her family, their fortune, and their overbearing expectations in order to pursue an art degree. With only one semester to go, she becomes the victim of a robbery and a suspect in a murder investigation.

By launching an investigation to clear her name, Emily learns that what looks like a drug smuggling operation is actually an art heist. [Art students don't launch investigations. Just say "While trying to clear her name..."] [Also, once you say Emily is a suspect in a murder investigation, I expect to hear who got murdered and why the authorities suspect Emily. Not that drugs are being smuggled from somewhere to somewhere, except they're not really being smuggled, someone is cleverly hoping to avoid getting arrested for stealing art by making it look like he's merely smuggling drugs.] A disgruntled museum curator has kept a masterpiece painting hidden within the museum for decades. [Brilliantly, he's hidden it in plain sight--it's hanging on the wall.] [Has he been disgruntled for decades? Usually when you're disgruntled, you're looking for more immediate relief than you'll get from a plot that takes thirty years to unfold.] He’s used her painting to smuggle it out of the museum and finance his multi-million dollar retirement.

Emily is determined to stop him but he’s been planning this heist for years and she only has days to thwart it. When all the evidence suggests Emily is guilty, [Of murder?] friendships begin to fracture. [We've been best friends a long time, but that was when I didn't know you were a murderer.] And time is running out. A shipment of artwork is headed for Barcelona in just a few days – a legitimate shipment that includes the smuggled masterpiece.

About to be arrested for a crime [Murder?] she didn’t commit, Emily calls her aunt for help. Running home might keep her out of jail, [If they're after you for murder, running home isn't gonna keep you out of jail. It's the first place they'll look. Unless they assume that you're not stupid enough to hide out at your aunt's home, in which case it'll still be the third or fourth place they look.] but it will mean giving up everything else. In jail, at least she could paint license plates. [That sounds like a clever wrap-up, though research shows that only North Carolina's plates are made by women, and the painting is done by a machine. Plus, a "free-spirited artist" would consider license plate painting torture. That Emily turned her back on her family to pursue an art degree doesn't suggest that if she returned to them she would have to give up everything. Wouldn't she be able to paint something more creative than license plates at home? Did her family disown her for going off to college?] 

I am a full-time aspiring author and former sales manager. I have a B.A. in Art, which was the inspiration for this book.

The Art of the Steal is a not-quite-cozy mystery complete at 90,000 words and will appeal to readers of K.J. Larson’s “Pants on Fire Detective Agency” novels. [If you must compare your book to someone else's, it would be a good idea to spell the author's last name correctly.] May I send you the finished manuscript? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,


Notes

You've got a mystery in which there's been a murder. You need to tell us who got murdered and name a couple other people who had a motive to commit the murder. Whether a disgruntled museum curator gets away with smuggling a painting to Barcelona seems secondary when your main character is a murder suspect. If, in the book, the art theft has precedence over the murder "subplot" that's most likely a problem. 

New Beginning 1077

As an art student and painter, I’ve seen my fair share of bodies. Quick sketches of the human form are a basic step in developing the artistic skills of drawing, painting, and sculpting. However, no amount of figure studies prepared me for the sight of the lifeless body that lay next to me.

The dead man lay on his back, one arm stretched towards me along the grass. His hand lay open as if he meant to grasp my wrist, his forefinger curled in an abandoned attempt to touch me.

My gazed traveled over the white cuff of his shirt and beyond until I found his shoulder and, above it, his face. One sightless eye stared back at me. The other half of his face was smashed and bloodied. A cracked, wooden frame covered in blood lay between us.

I turned my head and heaved.

“Miss? Miss? Can you hear me?” A man’s voice asked.

The touch of a warm hand on my shoulder nearly brought me out of my skin. Another man, this one alive and wearing dark clothing, knelt beside me. I looked up into a pair of honey-gold eyes set amid beautiful caramel skin. He had short hair, close-cropped, military style. And shoulders that made me drool just a little.

“Who? You?” I dredged the words up from the thick gray matter that served as my brain.

“I’m Mr. Hottie,” he replied, or something similar.

The name fit. I was swept away to an island. With a white beach. Water clear as glass. And a warm Latino lover holding me in his arms, setting my heart aflutter.

“Can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are?” he asked.

“Emily,” I said and closed my eyes for a kiss.

No kiss. Instead, he said, "Emily, let me remind you where you are. This is the Pontypridd College of fine Arts -- the best art school in this town. All Professor Randall said to you was, 'You need to work on your brushstrokes and your use of color is a little pedestrian.' Oh, and you're going to have to pay for that frame."


Opening: Pam LaFollette.....Continuation: ril