Friday, May 11, 2018

New Beginning 1079


I was man who has been on estro stuff. I had my apple (adam’s or Adam? I’m Russian so English isn’t well very much) removed, got new nose with a bridge (bridges for cars?), and chin something done to smooth and round out classic but related at Fabio salute to romance novel covers. I am in a strange country, staying with gay friend who took off leaving me alone after I screamed and yelled in the hall belonging to his apartment building and pounding my forehead on the tile floor. The other night.

It my 22nd birthday. I had face mask after new nose and chin, I didn’t know or care the neighbors opened their doors to see if I was being killed or killing. Gay friend, also Ruskie told them he told me he picked me up from the floor assured the neighbors I was coming out of aneasth - whatever they call it, a gas, and please, don’t call the police. I fought and kicked with my spikes. Drew blood. Laughed. Happy I hurt him. He’s stupid.

He wai’d, in Thailand saying mi pen lie or some words I couldn’t get to the opening door people. Then dragged me into his apartment and I sleep in the bathroom. On the floor. I explained him floor in bathroom better than couch. Now my back hurts. My spikes hurt back when I walk and hurts when I flip flop my beautiful long hair.

I don’t know but he never cares or gives care over my hormones or my birthday. But I make him take me for big dinner, on a boat on a river. With band. He must pay for me. I am guest. Is Russian way.

They made me trade places with man I did not meet. Now I live with crazy family. Many people take pictures of us. I have new name. I am called Caitlin.


Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Khazarkhum


Notes

Deleting the words "a" and "the" everywhere, or using them everywhere you've left them out would make the Russian accent more consistent. Unless the person is learning proper English but only sometimes reverts to the broken English.

If the entire story is told in this POV, I hope it's a (very) short story. Readers won't want to work this hard for very long.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This does not sound like a person who doesn't speak English as a first language. Grammatical concepts that are hard to learn are done correctly, and why on earth would someone who had been in the hospital know "gas" but not "anaesthesia"?

You've done the same thing with Thai; one would certainly learn the phrase mai pen rai before one would learn almost any other word, including wai.

St0n3henge said...

I agree, it isn't really convincing me. It's also harder to read than dialect really needs to be.
Let's take a look at both issues.
You don't learn "has been on" this early in the game. Even small children say "was." And "told them he told me" seems problematic.

He'd most likely simplify his speech so he wouldn't run into syntax he isn't familiar with. Also, it needs to be simplified so the "accent" we're expecting from a Russian comes through.

This would be more like:

"I am man who is on estro stuff. I had my apple removed (adam’s or Adam? I’m Russian so English isn’t well very much), got new nose, and chin something done to smooth and round out classic like Fabio salute to romance novel covers.

I am in strange country, stay with gay friend who leave me alone after I scream and yell in the hall belonging to his apartment and pound my forehead on the tile floor. The other night. My birthday. I had face mask after new nose and chin. The neighbors open their doors to see if I am being killed. Gay friend, also Ruskie, he pick me up from the floor, tell the neighbors I am coming out of aneasth - whatever they call it, a gas, and please, don’t call the police. I fight and kick with my spikes. Draw blood. Laugh. Happy I hurt him. He’s stupid.

In Thailand, he said mi pen lie or some words. I can’t get to the open door people. Then drag me into his apartment and I sleep in the bathroom. On the floor. Now my back hurts. My spikes hurt when I walk and hurts when I flip flop my beautiful long hair.

I don’t know but he never gives care over my hormones or my birthday. But I make him take me for big dinner, on boat on river. With band. He must pay. I am guest. Is Russian way."

I definitely would keep this up for brief periods of time only. Dialect can be fatiguing.