Face-Lift 930

Guess the Plot

Bridge of Giants

1. Four retired giants meet for their weekly Bridge game and exchange tales of how many humans they terrified in their younger days.

2. Ivan Stansky longs to be part of the family tradition by working on the Golden Gate Bridge. Can he overcome the fact that he's blind, a quadriplegic and confined to house arrest? Also, a cute girl.

3. Near the entrance to forbidding Black Canyon is the Bridge of Giants, a vast natural bridge carved from sandstone. Can Rhatupet and his little band of adventurers battle wild desert elves and dune dwarves to prove how apt the name is?

4. When NASA decides to cut expenses for once and for all by building a bridge to the moon, soon-to-be-ex-astronaut Bud Narayana goes rogue and attempts to pilot an asteroid into the new structure. It's up to alcoholic environmentalist Rosie Grimaldi to save the day - and Bud's career.

5. Everyone who wants a job keeps leaving the tiny Irish village of Kerryboondoggle - until a prodigal son returns from America and builds a theme park on Giant's Island. Now even Granny O'Hare is raking in the cash in costume as a ticket-taking banshee, and won't listen when Padraig reminds her about the poltergeist.

6. Nathan discovers a cache of bizarre maps that can magically transport him across the world from his home in Wisconsin to exotic places like Mongolia. But which map will help him find his missing mother before Evil Santa gets her?


Original Version

I am seeking representation for Mapwalkers:Bridge of Giants, a 72,000 word middle grade fantasy, the first in the Mapwalkers series.

After the inexplicable disappearance of his mother, thirteen year old Nathan Hillbridge finds a collection of bizarre maps in her belongings. He follows one of these maps, [Follows the map? In which direction? Is it like a pirate map with a big X at the end of a dotted line?] and moments after walking out of his back door in small-town Wisconsin, finds himself pursued by armed horsemen across the wilds of Mongolia. [If he's fleeing through the wilds of Mongolia the minute he leaves his house, how can you claim that he followed the map at all? Wait, does the map look like this:


Narrowly escaping, [In Mongolia, on foot, he escapes armed horsemen? Are they blind armed horsemen?] he retraces his steps and somehow returns home. [That is, he wakes up.] He soon discovers that he and his mother are Mapwalkers—members of an ancient people with the ability to travel to distant lands as easily as most people walk down the street to visit a friend. [Is this like the transporter on the Enterprise? By which I mean, Does it malfunction most of the time?] Desperate to find his mother, he begins using her cache of mysterious maps [They're bizarre maps, not mysterious maps.] to scour the world for her.

As he searches, Nathan finds friends who aid him in his quest: Robert, an honors student who helps him decipher the bizarre clues [The maps are bizarre. Maybe the clues can be mysterious?] [Is one of the clues a mysterious bazaar?] [I think they should be Bizarro maps, made out of crystal.] that litter his mother's trail, and Kahn, a Mongolian girl eager to explore the world with him. But as he learns about his mysterious power [We just decided the clues are mysterious. Let's call his power "uncanny."] and the secret history of the Mapwalkers, he realizes that he [and Robert may soon be facing . . .the wrath of Kahn!] and his friends may be up against far more than they can handle: a sinister man in red who stalks their steps,


the uncanny in-between places infested by hideous creatures that may or may not have once been men, [Why does this keep happening? Okay, as Nathan's power is now uncanny, we'll call the in-between places infested by hideous creatures that may or may not have once been men "nightmarish."] and the long-lost hordes of Genghis Kahn. [Kaaaahhhhhnnnn!] [I don't mind if the Mongolian girl spells her name Kahn, but we spell Genghis's name "Khan."]

This novel would best be compared with “A wrinkle in time”, or the “His Dark Materials” trilogy. [That sounded familiar, so I searched this blog and found: "...can be compared to other fantasy works such as “Eragon” or the “His Dark Materials” trilogy. (Face-Lift 762); "...it has similarities to Philip Pullman’s ‘His Dark Materials Book One... (Face-Lift 547); "Similar in theme to the works of Madeleine L’Engle and Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy... (Face-Lift 124); "...their unique adventure combines the quirky humor of Maniac Magee and the heart-capturing adventure of A Wrinkle in Time. (Face-Lift 505). One possible problem with claiming your book is like some classic is that the agent may think, Christ, not another book that's like the His Dark Materials trilogy. Can't anyone write a book that's like something I've never heard of?]


Notes

He's walked out his back door a thousand times and ended up in Wisconsin, but if he walks out the same door because a map said to, he ends up in Mongolia? Have I got that straight?

Any creatures can accurately be described by saying they "may or may not have once been men."

Okay, he goes here, he goes there, and each place he goes he has another adventure. And eventually he ends up where his mother is. Is it just a series of trips? Or is the man in red a villain who appears on all of his mapwalks? Is the man in red trying to prevent Nathan from finding his mother? Why? Does he have to find his mother before the hordes of Genghis Khan do?

Cartoon 951

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

NV reports checking Across the Universe, by Beth Revis, out of the library and recognizing it as the book whose query appeared here in Face-Lift 637 (when it was titled A Long Way Home).

EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS

Guess the Plot

The Theft of the Dai- danna Dan- kenka Maru

1. By the time Tony "The Stutterer" Calabrese has finished explaining the intricate details of the heist to his street crew, the cops are on to his scheme and he's on the run. Next time, he'll just rob a bank and forget about the Daidanna Dankenka Maru.

2. Dundenna Kantawanna momo dinteka wantana. Maima ratwonu titi kenka ma kenku, danna mianta Maru. Also, a vampire.

3. Alex, a two-bit street thief, determines to join the ranks of the master thieves by stealing the Daidanna Dankenka Maru, the most often stolen artifact in the world. Now, he just has to figure out two things: where it is, and what it is.

4. An animal trainer, a schoolteacher and an astronaut steal Earth's first starship, the Daidanna Dankenka Maru, in order to escape the Earth's pollution and recreate Earth's biosphere on another planet. Also, a suicidal whale.

5. Police Chief Jake Martin is having no problem tracking the stolen masterpiece, the Daidanna Dankenka Maru. It's filling out the police report that's so difficult.

6. When a new Virginia class attack sub is christened USS Daidanna Dankenka Maru, some of the higher ups in the Pentagon have a conniption fit. Now it’s up to Black Ops Specialist Trick Lambert to do the one thing more difficult than pronouncing it: steal it, and send it to Davy Jones’ locker. Also, an autistic Chinese deli worker.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor;

Information on the Internet says you like smart, quirky science fiction, and literary writing on environmental issues. Please consider representing my 122,200-word hard/soft/ [Is this a book or a boiled egg?] literary sci-fi novel (think of Kim Stanley Robinson's work), [I tried. I spent ten minutes thinking of Kim Stanley Robinson's work, only to realize I was actually thinking of Spider Robinson; I blame it on you for calling it quirky.] The Theft of the Daidanna Dankenka Maru (DDM), in which learning to talk with orcas drives a scientist, an animal trainer, a schoolteacher and an astronaut to steal earth's first crude attempt at a starship.

2050: After ten years in captivity, Sam, a Sea-World show orca, [realizes he can no longer reach the splash zone. In a fit of depression, he] tries to suicide. His trainer, Zachary Qualar, saves him and takes him home, [Fortunately, Zack drives a 50-foot limo jacked up on earth-mover tires.] to Robson Bight on Vancouver Island. Zack and cetologist Joshua Mason rehabilitate Sam, and hire Native American schoolteacher Amy Blackstone, talented in linguistics, to help decipher his language. Amy has a secret: she's an empath, preternaturally sensitive to others' emotions. She connects, empathically then telepathically, with Sam and his father, A50, his tribe's historian, and together they write a computer program [Just to be sure I've got this straight, the orca's father is named A50, and he's a historian and he helps write a computer program?] that translates Orca to English. [At last they will know what Sam is trying to say. They jack him into the computer system and hear:

Fish again?! Can't you get me a nice tender elephant seal? Tandoori-style. No cilantro, it gives me hives. And would it kill you to spring for HBO so I could watch The Sopranos? Christ, I get sick of Animal Planet. Oh, and one more thing: there aren't any broads in this bight. I'm a mammal, not a fish. Get an orca babe in here fast, 'cause that empath chick is starting to look good to me. And what the hell's a bight, anyway?]

The "Robson Bight Crew" [Named after Kim Stanley Robson] sets up a hospital to treat sick and injured cetaceans. Treating an orca who has miscarried, they learn that the oceans are so polluted the whales can no longer reproduce. Global warming threatens a new ice age, another species goes extinct every hour, and ethnic cleansing in the Balkans threatens nuclear war. [They learn all this from treating a whale?] Learning of this, A50 demands their help. Using the translation program, he writes a book exposing the minds and souls of orcas and asking that humans recognize the orcas' right to a tolerable planet. [Unfortunately, he can't interest an agent, and is forced to go with PublishAmerica.] His book is derided as fiction. [Unbelievable. A whale manages to write a book, and the critics pan it.]

Joshua's friend, Jeddidiah Jay, was an astronaut until a jet crash ended his career; now his aerospace engineering firm builds space vehicles and mines the asteroid belt. A sociopathic assassin on call to the CIA [It's always good to have a few sociopathic assassins on call, just in case you need one.] sabotages and spies on his company, and corrupt politicians force him to license his spaceship designs to competitors. Then a drunk driver kills his young family. Embittered, Jay plots with his Robson Bight friends to steal the Daidanna Dankenka Maru, earth's first starship, which the government is forcing him to build. He recruits 100 people from among his asteroid miners, and twelve dolphins; [What's the process for recruiting dolphins?] they raid a "frozen zoo" for genetic material to recreate earth's biosphere on a new planet, steal the ship, and on Christmas Morning, 2060, leave earth forever. [Some people go into therapy when their lives are going bad; others recruit dolphins and steal a starship.]

I have a degree in Journalism; I've written for and edited magazines and NPR broadcast copy. I spent years researching whales and dolphins and the Kwakwaka' wakw [Anagram of Waka Waka Waka, the noise Pac-Man makes.] natives of British Columbia, because I believe that the best sci-fi does not stray far from reality. My protagonists' motivation is the mass extinction event we humans are currently causing. [Except for Jeddidiah, whose motivation is revenge on The Man.] I am a science junkie, and the chapter-opening newspaper articles with which I detail the destruction of the environment are frighteningly real. [End of query. If I'm still on the fence at this point, the rest isn't going to push me in any direction you're hoping for.] You will love the depth of my characterization, my evocation of setting and emotion. And DDM (my third unpublished book) tells the story of the main plot point of my second, completed and polished sci-fi novel, which [tells the story of the main plot point of my first completed and polished sci-fi novel, which tells the story of the main plot point of Star Trek IV: the Voyage Home.] I will tell you about when you're ready.

Thank you for your time and help, Mr. EE. I hope to hear from you soon.


Notes

What whale would name its kid A50?

I've heard of pods and schools. Do whales also come in tribes?

Wouldn't it be better if Sam wrote the book? Sam seems to drop out once they dump him in the bight.

It's too long. Does the query need Sam at all? It could begin with the crew setting up a facility to study whale communication at Robson Bight. We also don't need Jeddidiah's life story.

I don't care if Jay's company is building it; it can't be easy to steal Earth's first starship. Could the head of NASA make off with a space shuttle? Probably not. And a starship is much bigger; heck, the holodeck alone is bigger than a space shuttle.


Selected Comments:

BuffySquirrel said...It took a lot more people to steal the spaceship in Allen Steele's Coyote, and I still had trouble believing it.


The head of nasa said...You gotta believe how easy it would be. Y'know, they keep those things fueled up all the time, and the keys are behind the sun visor.


GutterBall said...I'm glad Mr. Evil mentioned Star Trek IV because I really didn't want to sound like a trekkie when I said the title sent my mind directly to Kobiyashi Maru. For those not in the know, that's the no-win situation training module for Federation cadets. I spent the entire query wondering when the ship (which, I'm guessing, is not named the Kobiyashi Maru) would blow up.


blogless_troll said...If I was a killer whale in 2050 and humans still thought getting splashed by marine life was neat, I'd commit suicide too. Better yet, I'd squeeze out one of those billowing gray bowel clouds, then splash 'em. Those splash zones would be empty if people had to pick undigested mullet spine out of their hair. Also, Sea World wouldn't name a killer whale Sam. It'd be more like Nanunanu or Ikea. Even in the future.


phoenix said...So a plea to humanity from a whale is best accomplished by writing a book? This from a journalist and a writer for radio? Wouldn't the media be the first step to building credibility? We have been convinced that KoKo the gorilla is not simply a well-trained ape because we see her problem-solving on video and passing tests that would baffle a 6-year-old human kid. And we've seen her teaching sign language to other gorillas. I unequivocably believe in the intelligence of cetaceans. But if someone today published the translated ramblings of a whale without a lot of media/documentary coverage and credibility-supporting and hoax-dispelling testing, I, too, would snicker and dismiss the writing (after I queried the whale's agent and publisher because if they would pub a whale's ramblings, why not mine?!).

Who are the protags trying to convince going with the book approach? The general public? The scientific community? The political wags?

Star Trek IV dealt with the issue of constructing a holding tank large enough to house a pair of whales. Somehow I doubt the first starship will have a convenient aquarium the size of a large pond and all the filtration and equipment needed to keep the salt content and dolphin waste in check for an extended voyage. Or do the 12 dolphins just help steal the ship and get left behind like Sam and A50? (Man, that's gotta hurt -- bet they BOTH suicide after being dumped like that!)

Now I love SF, I recycle and compost, and I vote Green when I can. I think the idea behind this query is good, but the execution sounds like it strays far beyond the bounds of reality. It could well be the fault of the query and not the book, of course.

As for the query: cut, cut, cut.


Anonymous said...I've heard of pods and schools. Do whales also come in tribes?
I believe they come in bucketfuls...


whitemouse said...I just want to address some of the issues in the final paragraph of the query letter. Sentence 1: Sounds good; these are relevant credentials. Sentence 2: Did you really research whales, dolphins and the natives of B.C. just so you could write a science fiction book? Or was the research related to graduate school or something? I'm assuming it's the latter, in which case you might want to rephrase things to imply that you had a good reason to do the studies. It sounds a bit creepy to say you did years of hard-core research just 'cause you felt like it. Every writer does some research (usually via Google-Fu, these days), but you're implying something well beyond that. Sentence 3: You should get your characters' motivation into the paragraphs that describe the storyline. Putting it here seems weird and inelegant, especially plunked down in a stand-alone sentence like this. Sentence 4: This makes the book sound preachy, which will likely make agents/editors automatically reject it. They want a book that tells a great story, not someone's ranting manifesto. You don't want to harp on the book's message, even if everything in the story hinges on it. Sentence 5: I read several agents' blogs regularly and they've all said at some point that they don't like to be told what their reaction to a book will be. Don't tell them they'll love it; make the story sound so awesome that they decide for themselves they might love it. They're not going to take your word for it. Sentence 6 and 7: This makes it seems like you're trying to pitch three books at once, which is also bad form. The agent/editor doesn't care if you have other books until they've seen whether or not this one is any good. Also, if you say this is the third unpublished book in a series, you're essentially admitting that the other two books have already been rejected by publishing professionals. That doesn't speak well of the quality of the books in the agent/editor's mind. I think you'd do well to not mention the other books in the series at all until after you have successfully bagged your agent/editor. At this point, the most you want to say is that the book has potential as a series.


Anonymous said...While I do see problems with this query, as others have pointed out, I also find the story interesting and would probably want to read it. If the author has figured out ways to solve some of the technical questions (like how dolphins help steal a space ship - and do dolphins speak the same language as whales?) I think it has potential.

Face-Lift 929

Guess the Plot

Gold Valley

1. On Ashley's eleventh birthday, Mum finally gives her her own key. The first time Ashley uses it, she lets herself in--not to their grotty flat, but to Gold Valley, where every day is a carnival and coins drop from Ashley's mouth every time she speaks. But a fairy steals the key and Ashley needs to get back--with some of the loot for Mum, of course.

2. When Casey gets a reception job at Gold Valley Chinese Takeaway she thinks she’s hit it lucky; she’s getting over £6 an hour. But when she hears rumours about the other receptionists, and finds bodies in the freezer, she can’t help but wonder if she should have applied at McDonald's.

3. The economy sucks. Greg is yet another victim of corporate downsizing. Desperate to fend off impending foreclosure, he heads to Gold Valley, hoping to eliminate his financial woes. Barely a day into the valley, Greg is lost and forced to endure violent storms, swarms of hungry mosquitoes, and the affections of a lonely sasquatch. Suddenly, bankruptcy doesn't seem like such a bad option.

4. Ava, Isaac and Adam, three survivors of a bus crash in the remote mountains, stumble upon Gold Valley, a small town that Ava thinks is Eden. But when the women in town start disappearing, Isaac and Adam suspect . . . the Hungry. Can they get Ava out of town before she, too, is eaten?

5. Author Buck McClain's life takes a turn toward terror when he discovers that Gold Valley, the serial killer bestseller he wrote plagiarized was actually written by a real serial killer--who’s not happy with Buck making bucks off his back!

6. When gold plummets from a record high to a more traditional $350 an ounce, Minuteman and survivalist Will Whitbread is convinced it's just a valley, and the price will climb again. But when he tries to buy up all the krugerrands in Arizona, investors from a rival militia take it personally. Hilarity and automatic weapons fire ensue.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ava Gunner just assumed the McCormick brothers were dead. She hadn’t seen or heard from them since the Hunger Sickness struck the population ten years ago. Since they abandoned her, and civilization crumbled. Since the dream of Eden came alive.

Now, on a bus promising to take its passengers to Eden, [This was a Star Trek episode.] [How about "destined for Eden"?] Ava finds herself once again face to face with Adam and Isaac McCormick. She got along fine without them, even learned how to shoot a gun. And judging from their scars, they managed to take care of themselves too. But despite her grudge she’s relieved that they’re together again.

After the bus crashes on a remote mountain pass in the Colorado Rockies, the survivors are forced to find a place to hide from the now nocturnal Hungry before the sun goes down. [Having read ahead and seen that you call this literary fiction, I can appreciate your desire to use the term "now-nocturnal Hungry" instead of "mutant Cannibals" or "ravenous Zombies." But if cannibals or zombies are roaming the country, maybe you should call this a thriller or a horror novel.] Waiting out the night in an abandoned cabin, it begins to dawn ["Begins to" is implied by "dawns."] on the group that they’ll be together for a while. Which means Ava, Adam, and Isaac need to resolve their issues if they want to focus on survival. [Their "issues" being that the brothers abandoned her to be eaten by the Hungry ten years ago. That's gonna be a tough one to resolve, what with the Hungry now lurking outside the cabin.]

But the three of them are stubborn.

[What you've provided so far is about the amount of plot summary a query should have. But all you've done is introduce the characters and their situation. Condense all of that into one three-sentence paragraph.] With no food or water in the cabin, it's obvious that they have to keep traveling. They stumble almost too late into Gold Valley, a well preserved town that has managed to thrive despite its isolation. They have food, whiskey, and Joshua, a leader who cares deeply for the well being of his town and shows the survivors hospitality. [Joshua is Captain Kirk. The survivors keep calling him Herbert.] As the days wear on, Ava begins to believe that Gold Valley just may be Eden.

But when female survivors start disappearing [They disappear. Or are they gradually fading away?] and Joshua sits idly by, it becomes clear to Adam and Isaac that Gold Valley and its leader are far more sinister than they appear. However, [I don't like starting consecutive sentences with "but" and "however." You could put "however" after "easy." Or start the previous sentence: After three female survivors disappear...] convincing Ava isn’t so easy, [How many women have disappeared? Does Ava have a theory as to where they've gone?] and the brothers know the survivors are running out of time to escape before Gold Valley makes her disappear too.

I am actively seeking representation [I've never understood what "actively" means when I see that. I know you've sent the query letter. Does "actively" imply you're doing other things besides sending query letters?] for my 60,000 word literary fiction novel titled GOLD VALLEY, a story of survival, sacrifice, and lost love. [Lost love? Was Ava in love with the McCormick brothers when they abandoned her to be eaten by the Hungry?] Chapters or a synopsis are available upon request.

Sincerely,


Notes

Isn't it possible the Hungry are slipping into town and taking the women, and that Gold Valley and Joshua aren't sinister?

In the Star Trek version, the people who make it to Eden get hungry and eat the fruit and die. So the difference is that in one version the people get hungry and in the other version the Hungry get the people. That probably wasn't worth the effort I put into it.

Hyphens often belong between words that, together, form what is really one word, as in well-preserved, now-nocturnal, well-being, 60,000-word.

Who or what are the Hungry? And if they're hungry, can't they find a way to seek food than hanging out in the remote Rocky Mountains hoping for a bus crash?

Cartoon 950

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 928

Guess the Plot

The Sin Eaters

1. Environmentalists consider it a sin that endangered species are so rare. Bubba Richards and his redneck friends agree: those critters should at least be medium rare to bring out all the juicy flavors.

2. Every millennium or so the “Sin Count” reaches its limit and God initiates the Apocalypse. The world has already ended and begun again 665 times. Each time the Sin Eaters have failed to defeat the Sin Army. Is the 666th time the charm?

3. A rash of missing person cases strikes Fluvanna County, Virginia at about the same time detective Anna Robertson's new boyfriend stocks his freezer--and hers--with ground beef. Would it be rude, while eating his tacos, to ask him where he shops ?

4. They're called "Devil's food cake" and "Deviled eggs" for a reason: the secret ingredient is the blood of innocent victims. A trail of bodies points Inspector Jarrett toward a secret society of chefs on a culinary journey to sample all foods so decadent they're sinful.

5. Amy Williams is the world's most unusual vampire, but can she get a date? The beauty gene never even sniffed in her direction. Maybe it's time to head to the gym and set sights on brooding rogue cop Drake Heattrew. If he ever finds out she sucks sin out of mortals, he'll book 'er - but by then, Amy might just have reformed this bad boy.

6. When Jason attempts an escape from prison, he is hit by a runaway golf cart. In limbo he meets Satan who offers him a deal; eat seven people who embody the seven deadly sins, or rot with him in hell. Jason’s a vegan. Will he accept the deal or barter for a vegetarian alternative?


Original Version

Dear Evilest of Editors,

When Archangel Michael drives the getaway-car after Dove accidentally kills her foster brother, Dove knows her life is about to change. [If the death was an accident, why is there a getaway car?] [Also, shouldn't an archangel be able to come up with a better escape plan than driving away in a car?] But how could she have expected she would soon be responsible for saving the world? [I don't see any need for that paragraph. The foster brother killing is never mentioned again, and the rest of it is general.]

Every millennium or so the “Sin Count” reaches its limit and God decides to initiate the Apocalypse. [I'm pretty sure this doesn't happen every thousand years on Earth. You might be able to sell every ten thousand years.] The world has already ended and begun again 665 times. [If we accept the first sentence, that means Apocalypses have been happening for 665,000 years. Which means the Sin Count was reaching its limit before man even existed.] Dove learns she is part of a legendary group called the Sin Eaters, who are reincarnated on the eve of every Armageddon to attempt to save the world from its violent end. They have never yet succeeded. [I have a non-violent solution. Every millennium or so, raise the Sin Count ceiling.]

Dove is brought to a secret encampment deep in the Rocky Mountains where she is reunited with a variety of battle-weary, but hopeful, allies she has known for eternity, as well as an eccentric army of “End-of-Worlders.” But they have a crisis to prepare for: the first stage of the Apocalypse is going to start soon, and when it does an army of sin incarnate is going to storm the earth. [That sentence shouldn't have a "but" at the beginning.] If they don’t defeat it before the seventh stage ends, God will destroy the world. [This "God" character is a real downer. Is this the same God so many people think is hot stuff?]

Not only are they fighting a Sin Army, they also have to deal with the numerous trials God sends their way (famine, earthquakes, rivers of blood, etc.), and an Antichrist. Is it any wonder they have never yet succeeded? [You'd think the Antichrist would send the famine and rivers of blood. Is the Antichrist the good guy?]

But Dove is determined to triumph, and throws herself into training and plotting. She would probably have more success if Michael, her soul-mate, wasn’t so hell-bent on staying away from her; [What is it she's not having success at?] he believes their relationship is one of the reasons the Sin Eaters have continuously failed. [If you've failed at something 665 times and you still don't know what you're doing wrong, blame it on your woman.] But just when the group’s chances are looking up, someone in their number finally gets fed up with God’s antics, and joins ranks with the Antichrist, deciding the world might be better off under different rule. [This person who gets fed up with God's antics should be the main character. Anyone with the guts to show God the error of His ways deserves star billing.]

Dove and the Sin Eaters continue to attempt to vanquish the world of evil, but is it finally time to take the world back from God as well? [It was time during the Roman Empire. What are we waiting for?]

The Sin Eaters is a YA urban fantasy, complete at 75,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time!


Notes

We don't need this much information. Dump the first paragraph and the fourth. Rewrite the fifth, getting rid of Michael and focusing on how things are going well, who betrays them to join the Antichrist, and what they plan to do about it.

Possibly I shouldn't bring up the math problems. Possibly readers should accept this as an alternate history of Earth, in which everyone was killed off a thousand years ago, and the population has reached seven billion since then. But it seems when a fantasy is set on Earth, and you ask the reader to accept the existence of Sin Eaters and a Sin Army, that you might want to ground the book in reality as much as possible. It might as well be another planet if nothing is recognizable other than the Rocky Mountains. I can accept that there's an Apocalypse every thousand years on the Gohr prison planet Lycus IV, because I don't know any better.

You'd think Hitler would have pushed the Sin Count to Apocalyptic levels all by himself, but we're still here. Maybe Rupert Murdoch will push it over the top.

Cartoon 949

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 927

Guess the Plot

Through a Glass Darkly

1. The school's science nerd hacks Kari's digital scale and livestreams the results on the Internet, launching Kari into a deadly struggle with anorexia, bulimia, cutting, and a mean stepmom.

2. Nerdy Aaron could not believe his luck! His cool new house-mates not only turned him on to the joys of substance abuse, but they actually trusted him to store the pillowcase full of weed in his room. Hilarity ensues when their house gets raided.

3. The light is out. The glass is broken. Preacher man Joss Simpson will either lose his soul or save it when he enters the mysterious mirrored portal to Dimension X. He has to build a city, an army, and save the world.

4. A gay Japanese man in his last year of law school in the US goes out for the football team and falls for the wide receiver. But will his conservative family in Japan approve? Also, other characters who see life . . . through a glass darkly.

5. At a wild party celebrating his divorce, Steve Betts falls through a second story picture window in the dark. He wakes up in the hospital to find that his wiseacre friends have left him a gift: copies of all 273 books listed on Amazon under the title "Through A Glass Darkly".

6. Kids holding a giant bar mirror across one lane of a dark mountain highway are causing causing a rash of fatal roll-over accidents by drivers trying to avoid head-on collisions (with themselves) -- until a suicidal divorcee sees her chance at escape and floors it dead ahead.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Stephen James has finally accepted himself as a gay man when he meets Grace and, one coffee later, is left torn between his undeniable attraction to men and the red-headed exception that proves the rule. [Does that mean I can't be sure I'm straight unless I find a guy who's the exception that proves the rule?] [How many coffees did it take for him to accept himself as gay?] He and Grace marry, but his confusion continues, and the marriage fails. [Too bad. But how could anyone have foreseen that?] Another year, another coffee shop, and this time it is Gabriel who has Stephen brushing up on his flirting skills. Will it be different with Gabriel, [Count on it.] or will Stephen push him away as he did Grace? [Don't take this the wrong way, but who cares?]

Higen Nishida attends law school in the United States, planning to return to Japan, the family law firm, and an arranged marriage upon graduation. [Apparently you've overreacted to my last comment by switching the query to a different book.] [Is the legal system in Japan so similar to America's that going to law school in the US prepares you to practice law in Japan? A lot of law school involves studying cases that can be cited as precedents, but not in any country.] When Gabriel encourages him to try out for the football team, [In his last year of law school? Can you make that the badminton team?] Higen finds himself more interested in scoring points with the wide receiver than in scoring points on the field. [Some gay guys do like a wide receiver. Others prefer a tight end! Ba dum ching.] Their relationship [Higen and the wide receiver?] develops over wine, poetry, and summers spent together on the Johnson family ranch, but as Higen’s time in law school nears its end, he must choose whether to meet the expectations of his family and culture or pursue his relationship with Gabriel. [Something tells me Higen isn't going to meet his family's expectations no matter what he does.] [Is Gabriel and Stephen over?]

Raven Madison and Jack Johnson slip away from a party and make love on the beach. [Third time's the charm?] [Is this Jack Johnson of the Johnson family farm?] As Jack rejoins the crowd, Raven is raped, [You'd think he'd stick around until she was ready to go back. What did he say? "This was nice, but it sounds like they're doing the limbo."?] and her injuries leave her blind. [Those are some pretty serious injuries not to have been mentioned at the same time you said she was raped, i.e. Raven is attacked, beaten and raped.] Jack stays by her side as she heals and adjusts to life as a blind woman, ["I'll hang around until you stop bumping into things. Should be good for a few laughs."] but the terrifying flashbacks brought on by his touch leave Raven wondering if her sight is the only thing she lost that night.

Complete at 117,000 words, Through a Glass Darkly is a work of literary fiction that follows the overlapping lives of Stephen, Higen, and Raven [The only names that appear in more than one of the mini-plots are Johnson and Gabriel. Yet Stephen, Higen and Raven are the ones whose lives overlap?] as they struggle to define themselves while relating to others. [Vagueness is always boring. Note how much more interesting the book sounds with a more specific wrap-up: . . . follows the overlapping lives of Stephen, Higen, and Raven as they lead an army of zombies in an invasion of the Johnson family farm.] Thank you for your time and for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

There's no evidence that any one of the three main characters even knows the other two.

Is it possible to focus on one character and how that character's life overlaps with the other two, instead of doing these separate paragraphs for each character? It's hard to form an attachment for a character who merits mention in only a third of the plot summary.

Cartoon 948

Caption: Evil Editor

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New Beginning 868

Prentice Carnahan stopped his bike at the pedestrian crossing for three women with a baker's gang of children to pass; little girls in pink and purple swimsuits, scrawny boys in hip-hugging shorts chattered as they balanced and dragged beach chairs, umbrellas, towels and watery floats across the bikeway. A trio of ghosts, the tattooed older siblings not too many years older than the boys, floated alongside like angels guarding their charges. Would that the dead could talk to the living. Would that the living listened.

"You're the Poe-Lease Man who came around when the gang bangers shot my poor Billy. They done set me and my chillun up in the group home over here. We're doing better now, thanks to you," the woman said in her own slightly fragmented English that Prentice remembered. Details like that never left his head, gift of an eidetic memory.

"Yes Ma'am, I'm glad to hear you're doing better."

The bike path paralleled the automobile traffic for several miles next to the park and created a sweaty paradise for Prentice until the jitney appeared.

The jitney was packed by a driver and a butcher’s gang of teenagers; three vampire-wanna-be girls in dark makeup and bikinis, a fat sweaty swearing boy . . . A screaming unisex mob stood on toes, slapped rear ends and threw dry sand across the jitney’s interior. A phalanx of ghosts—a pair of Chinese coolies with conical hats, who were much older than the teenagers, but not that much older—floated alongside the jitney, like diaphanous people with halos.

Prentice recalled one of the coolies saying; “Ah-so, you da porrice-a-maan who herp when my fair-haired lovely little numba’ one daughter Lisa get chop-chop by biker gang. Biker gang make up fo’ dat by providing new chicken coop for white rollers, which we sell for a substantial mark-up resulting in marginally increased profitability at our new ethnic market. Thanks to you, sexy man!”

Sometimes an eidetic memory is an odd thing, Prentice thought. He waited for the jitney to park, then wobbled his bike into the parking lot of the Dunkin Donuts. Because you can never have too many stereotypes.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Dixon/anon.

Cartoon 947

Caption: Roger Eschbacher

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Face-Lift 926

Guess the Plot

Swindle Witch

1. Potions don't come cheap. Meg has stayed young and beautiful for centuries by cheating mortals out of their hard earned cash. But when her used car business goes under, Meg is forced to take swindling to an even higher level: Infomercials.

2. In the sleepy English town of Swindle Witch, Postmistress Wendelin May sells eye of newt along with stamps and sweets. But when Sir Edward Fezziwig chokes to death on a newt eyeball, Wendelin must turn amateur sleuth to clear her name.

3. Octavia Bly, the last witch in Massachusetts, used to intoxicate people with love potions, poison their soup, fly around at night . . . old-fashioned stuff like that. She loves the 21st century. She's in overpriced real estate, tech companies that make only virtual products, and Internet dating sites. Which brings her to the attention of the Chinese Dragon Society -- a group of witches who want her dead.

4. When a creature kidnaps her parents and sister, Patricia's magic isn't strong enough to get them back. So she accepts an offer of help from a witch named Lillian. But this witch is also a liar and a murderer and a thief, so Patricia isn't sure she can trust her.

5. Investigative journalist Martha Jameson poses as a witch to infiltrate the local Wiccan group, whom she believes are manufacturing amphetamines. Imagine her surprise when they actually turn out to be vampires!

6. The village of Swindle, Massachusetts is known for never letting a wayfarer escape with his shillings. But when the problem comes to the attention of the Bay Colony authorities, the villagers all blame Strange Maggie. Can amateur sleuth Patience Goodbody keep them from stringing Maggie up?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

At age thirteen, Patricia’s not stupid. She’s known not to follow strangers for years, [Following strangers isn't nearly as dangerous as being followed by strangers. If a 13-year-old followed me around, the only danger would be dying of boredom.] especially ones who admit they’re dangerous. But when an empty-eyed creature steals Patricia’s parents and younger sister on the morning of her birthday, it’s Lillian—a liar, a murderer, a witch and a thief [Aren't those the members of that singing group--The Village of the Damned People.] —who helps her escape. [Why did that sentence begin with "But"? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the previous sentence. A logical sentence that does start with "But" might be: But one morning a complete stranger tells Patricia that he's dangerous, and . . . she follows him!] [Also, it sounds like Patricia's parents and sister are the ones Lillian should help escape, as they are the ones who were taken.] Patricia runs, and discovers a newly-awakened green magic that glows in her veins, allowing her to see mythical beasts ordinary people ignore [I'm not sure it counts as ignoring them if we can't see them. And I resent being called "ordinary."] —including beings who want her childhood laughter, her taste for chocolate, or her soul.

Lillian’s one of the most feared people in the Otherworld. She can sway emotions with a thought, and Patricia’s felt first-hand how her skin blistered when Lillian grabbed her wrist. But those scalded fingerprints [If anything was scalded it was Patricia's wrist; I'd call the evidence blisters or burns or scars.] prove Lillian’s strong, and all Patricia knows for sure is that allies willing to fight the creature who captured her family are nearly impossible to find. Patricia’s learning about her own magic, but she doesn’t have time to master her illusory and empathy-based powers—she needs to rescue her parents and sister, [Before the creature eats them? Does she know why the creature wanted them?] and only Lillian has the knowledge, power, and vengeful drive to help Patricia save the people she loves most.

I love the way you encourage new writers to continue writing—and keep that ever-essential sense of humor. [Buttering up the recipient of your query letter doesn't help your cause. Unless you're a famous movie star.] Please consider Swindle Witch, an 86,000-word YA contemporary fantasy set in Auburn, Washington. [I got the impression this was set mainly in the Otherworld.]

I have a Master’s degree in English from the University of Utah, and I’m the recipient of several writing awards, including a 1999 Scholastic Art and Writing Gold Award in the fantasy category.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This is all set-up. You've used your entire query to say: When her parents and sister are kidnapped by an empty-eyed creature, 13-year-old Patricia knows her empathy-based magic isn't developed enough to rescue them, so she accepts an offer of help from Lillian, a powerful--but untrustworthy--witch.

Your plot is what happens next. What's their plan? What's stopping them from carrying it out? What are Lillian's ulterior motives? Is the main plot the rescue or a confrontation between Lillian and Patricia?

I'm told kids like to read about kids who are a little older than they are. So if your main character is 13, your readers might be in the 10 to 12 range, which is not YA. I would call a book in which a 13-year-old must contend with a "creature" and a witch middle grade.

Cartoon 946

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 867

Once upon a time bodies lay thick on the ground. Most were dead but there were a few who were soon to be made so. Postules filled with blood and pus, then burst. The mixture burned the skin of the living and dead alike.

I am Death. I have sinned. This is my confession.

"Death, you say?" I tugged on my collar and swallowed. "Well, let's see . . . This is most unusual, and I'm a bit new at this, but . . . you're going to need to say twelve million Hail Marys and thirty-five thousand Our Fathers. Yes, I think that should be about right.

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Eric

Cartoon 945

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 925

Guess the Plot

Marielle's Wish

1. That John would stop screwing his secretary and pay more attention to her. That her mother in law would drop dead. That she was born rich instead of beautiful. That she hadn't just wrecked the car in the middle of some kind of horrible haunted forest in the middle of the night. That her cell phone was working. That she could actually walk in these shoes.

2. Marielle's grandfather bequeaths to her his genie in a bottle, along with the usual three wishes. When she sees the handsome, hunky genie, she knows what her first wish will be. Can she resist wishing for the same thing two more times?

3. Jake Barker races against time to find the secret lair of master criminal Marielle, before the eccentric ex-chemist can celebrate her fiftieth birthday by wishing the world's oceans into sulphuric acid.

4. On her 26th birthday, Marielle looks upon her lonely best friend, Kattrin, and makes a wish that Kattrin will find someone who makes her happy. The next day, Marielle's fiance leaves her for Kattrin. Can Marielle delay Kattrin's wedding for a year so she can undo the wish on her 27th birthday?

5. Marielle discovers that the old incense burner she bought at a yard sale is actually a magic lamp. The genie promises her three wishes, but Marielle only needs one. She asks for the man of her dreams--and ends up with Mr. Barkley, her third grade teacher. Well, she did just dream of him last night.

6. In the utopian future, there is no hunger, no war, no pedophiles, and no boy bands. Just pure, unadulterated boredom. When Marielle finds a wish, she decides to wish for some strife just to liven things up. Alas, The Church, to whom they've all been paying 'Happy Money,' doesn't like the idea...



Original Version

Dear Agent:

Jinnī or Genie have always inspired our imaginations. From Alladin [That's spelled Aladdin] to I Love Jeanie [The show was called I Dream of Jeannie. You have it confused with I Love Lucy.] children and adults find the idea of ‘making a wish’ [Do we need those quotation marks?] terribly appealing. The heroin of MARIELLE'S WISH [Heroin is a drug. You're thinking of "heroine." We're off to a rousing start. Theoretically, you're sending Evil Editor the query you were planning to send to an agent. Let's hope you didn't get tired of waiting and send it already. The agent is going to think the book is as carelessly written as the query letter. That's what I'm thinking. Are we right?] is the exception to this rule. She’s tired of hearing about Jinnī. Here is why:

When Marielle Iris was five, she thought her grandfather was the most awesome storyteller ever. At seventeen, she thinks he’s full of bull. But what does he expect? What with the loss of her parents and the awful way in which she lost her innocence (her ex slipped her a roofie at a party), life hasn’t been exactly kind to her. If she doesn’t believe that her inheritance is a Jinn in a bottle, can Grandpa really blame her? She’s a skeptic and her trust in all matters is, at best, scant. [That sentence says the same thing twice. As most people would scoff at the idea of an actual Jinn in a bottle, you don't need either half of the sentence. And the sentence about the parents and the roofie has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. These are the main ideas you need: When Marielle Iris was five, she thought her grandfather was the most awesome storyteller ever. At seventeen, she thinks he’s full of bull. But then, could anyone blame her for not believing Grandpa when he said he was bequeathing to her an actual Jinn in a bottle?]

Besides it’s morbid! What sensible girl wants to think that her grandfather has to die in other [order] to get three wishes? [That reads like the grandfather gets three wishes when he dies. You want something like: She doesn't want three wishes if it means her grandfather must die.] It’s not worth it, not when grandpa’s all she’s got. [It's worth it if she's willing to squander the first wish on bringing Grandpa back to life.] But whether she wants to think about her unusual inheritance or not, life forces her.

Grandpa dies unexpectedly. With him gone, [and] she gets her three wishes. Oh, and, by the way, a handsome jinn with a curse that only true love can break. [Instead of "Oh, and, by the way," just say "--also" or "--along with." If nothing else it eliminates comma overload.] [Also, why not be specific about the curse . . . a handsome jinn cursed to wear satin pants until he finds true love.] This should take care of Little Miss Jaded.

MARIELLE'S WISH is my third novel, and I hope it’s ‘a charm.’ [Agents don't care how many novels you've written unless they've sold.] It should appeal to a young adult audience and it is complete at 78,000 words.

This novel has been plotted with passion and [unlike this query letter,] edited with care. Still, I hope to find an agent who can help me improve it further. [After an agent takes you on, she may well offer suggestions. Getting her to take you on by sending her a book that needs improvement is the tricky part.] I hope you might consider me for your list. Thank you for your time.


Notes

Instead of fixing the mistakes in paragraph 1, just dump it. Get to your book.

The whole query is set-up. Once you set up the premise, we want to know what happens. The setup is this: Marielle's grandfather often told her she would inherit his jinn in a bottle, along with the standard three wishes, but she always thought that was just one of his stories. Now Grandpa is dead, Marielle is alone, and there's a handsome jinn standing before her, asking for her first wish.

Once we have that, we want to know whether the remainder of the book is devoted to what Marielle wishes for, with no conflict, or whether the wishes all backfire, whether she tells anyone about her wishes, whether someone tries to influence her wishes. I assume she and the Jinn fall in love; what obstacles must they overcome? Is there a downside to their true love? Does the Jinn keep granting wishes after he finds true love?

With a one-paragraph set-up, there's plenty of room to make us care what happens. We aren't gonna read the book just to find out what Marielle wishes for.

When you're telling us what happens, include whatever makes this more appropriate for the young adult crowd than middle grade kids.

Cartoon 944

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 924

Guess the Plot

Legacy

1. Patricia Spintz lost a limb in a sailing accident, her leg to be exact. When she died her prosthetic, a solid gold and ruby studded affair, was left in a will to her daughter. But the false leg went missing. Will Lucy be able to track down her mother’s...Leg-acy?

2. When rich old Uncle Joe died, all Nancy got was Tupperware. It's ugly, messed up with scribbled letters that don't even spell anything and is so NOT her style! She just wants to recycle it -- until a treasure map comes in the mail and she realizes she'll only find that spot marked X if she cracks the code of the Tupperware.

3. Twelve cousins head to a deserted island to compete in a reality-TV style competition to determine which of them will inherit their grandfather's entire billion-dollar fortune. Also, a haunted grotto.

4. Danielle was expecting to inherit magical powers on her 18th birthday. She didn't, so it's on to Plan B: enrolling in college. Then her brother gets stabbed, her magic finally kicks in, and she gets trapped in a labyrinth full of sorcerers and mythical creatures. Can she escape in time to make it to the prom?

5. Harry and his wife Ilene have built their Caribbean cocoa plantation up from nothing. Now they practically own the island. But twin daughters Beatrice and Barbara are tired of waiting for their inheritance. Little do they know Harry and Ilene have secret insurance policies on them. Who will die first in this balmy epic of mayhem and palm leaves?

6. On her 16th birthday, Ka-ra'ne learns that she is fated to bear the magical Ruby Phoenix to the oracle for the Telling that occurs every hundred years. What no one mentions is that the Phoenix is actually her heart, and the oracle will tear it out to "read" it.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Danielle Angeletti isn’t a straight A student. She doesn’t play an instrument or paint or sing or play chess. [Fortunately, my book isn't about this boring loser.] But if there’s one thing she knows she’ll be good at, it’s magic. [With magic she can get straight A's and instantly become the world's greatest musician, singer, artist and chess master.] So when her 18th birthday comes and goes, and her magic remains dormant, she’s crushed. Still, Danielle stubbornly buries her disappointment, replaces [replacing] healing runes with prom dresses, levitation spells with college applications.

After a sorcerer ambushes her and her brother Jamie, [High school's bad enough when you only have to worry about bullies ambushing you.] Danielle is torn between elation and a panic attack when her magic finally awakens and saves her life. But she’s ready to [would] give it all up again if it meant the knife buried in her brother’s gut would disappear too. Removing the blade does nothing but aggravate Jamie’s condition, [When his remaining blood comes gushing out of the now-gaping wound.] and a misguided attempt at a healing rune triggers a curse that turns his own magic against him.

With her hold on her new powers strenuous [tenuous] at best, Danielle must ask Chris, Jamie’s best friend and her best enemy, [Is "best enemy" a synonym or an antonym for "worst enemy"?] for help in destroying the curse. [Wouldn't it be better to stitch up Jamie's gut and get him a blood transfusion and then worry about the curse?] After they get trapped in a deadly labyrinth that’d put the Minotaur’s to shame, Danielle, Chris and a dying Jamie must battle mythical creatures, [Minotaurs?] sorcerers, unwanted attraction and the biggest enemy of all: time. [Apparently having magic doesn't allow you to go through or over the walls of a labyrinth or to heal a wound or to destroy a curse. What does it allow you to do?]

LEGACY is a 70,000 word YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Given the choice, I think I'd rather fight it out with a guy whose head had been replaced with the head of a bull than with the original guy. If the minotaur leaned forward to try to gore me with his horns, the sheer weight of his bull head would cause him to collapse forward, and the strain on his neck of trying to stand back up would be unbearable. The key to fighting a minotaur is to remain calm and not get freaked out by the fact that his head is the size of a compact car. Just tell yourself it would be even freakier if he were a bull with a man's head, and wait for him to tip over.

If you want to Guess the Plot right, start by looking for a plot that seems to have nothing to do with the title.

When Danielle gets her magic, does that make her a sorcerer, or are sorcerers different from people with magic?

When you say contemporary YA fantasy I expect high school but with something different, like magic. When you toss in Centaurs and Krakens and Cyclopses, I start to wonder if there's an explanation for everything, or if this is contemporary times on some other planet.

If we knew why the sorcerer ambushed them, what he wants from them, what he gains by trapping them in a deadly labyrinth with mythological creatures (assuming he's responsible for that), the query would be more cohesive. Right now it sounds like someone is out to get these kids for no reason, and would rather get rid of them by creating an elaborate labyrinth and stocking it with fantastical monsters than just blow them up.

Cartoon 943

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 923

Guess
the
Plot


Kaleidoscope

1. Bob's trip to the toy store to get little Timmy something for Christmas turns into an epic battle of good vs evil when the evil elf running the cash register slips him the magic kaleidoscope he stole from Wizard Ferkle, who is desperate to retrieve it before the Dark Threesome can get their grubby hands on it.

2. Follow the adventures of Kally as she changes grass to red, the sky to green and all people to the same color – purple.

3. Lucy can mesmerize with her kaleidoscope eyes. They spin around and flash all sorts of colors until her victim is under her control. Can Eric gather enough diamonds to fulfill the prophesy to banish her into the sky before she takes over?

4. Alia's life is good, but maybe she's just looking at the world through kaleidoscopic glasses. Her stepfather makes a deal with the devil: In return for movie stardom, he sticks Alia with a constant companion--the soul of a beggar boy named Raju. Which would be unbearable enough even if Raju didn't keep committing murder just to get her attention.

5. A short story collection with a cast of weirdos you'd run away from if you saw them coming down the street, especially if you were looking at them through a kaleidoscope. Funny, touching, and above all literary.

6. Betty and her brother Clyde discover a kaleidoscope in an old trunk at their grandfather’s house. Clyde looks through the eyepiece and sees their grandma who went missing twenty-five years ago. But when Betty takes her turn, the fireworks really begin.



Original Version

Alia is seventeen and just went from boarding school orphan to unlucky contestant no 1 in a house of terror. [She's not really a contestant, you're speaking metaphorically. To be consistent, she should be a resident in a house of terror or a contestant on House of Terror (which readers will assume to be a metaphorical game show or maybe a reality show).] Her stepfather Khanna may appear to be an invincible Bollywood superstar but the thing about messing with the dark side is it messes right back with you. Which may explain why mother is in a perpetual fugue and why Alia is in the grip of a haunting so bizarre, she hardly knows what to believe any more. [It's too vague to explain any of that. And "that" is pretty vague itself.] [According to sentence 2, if Khanna messed with the dark side, the dark side should be messing with Khanna, not Alia and her mother.]

What she would like very much to believe is that she has a shot at a normal life. Particularly when she’s playing anonymous new girl at Mumbai’s most elite institution St Xavier’s. Soon, part-time model and full-time decent guy Sid arrives to join her literature class and Alia can ask for no more.

But karma can be so unreasonable. Missing objects, Post-its in childlike handwriting, jealous apparitions and repressed memories pull Alia back from college to what she’s doing her best to ignore. Khanna may have been unclear about payback when he asked a streetside tantric, a ‘magic man’, to give him super-stardom. [Maybe it was the tantric who was unclear. That's usually the way these deals work. The tantric says "But wait, there's more: Your stepdaughter shall find a lifetime of companionship," not specifying that it's with a murderous stalker.] As a result, a little shaitan, the soul of beggar boy Raju, walks among them and will stop at nothing to get Alia’s attention – not even murder. [I think "including murder" would be clearer.]

With Raju in charge now Alia must assume responsibility for her stepfather’s actions fully aware that the consequences will be unpitying. [How did Raju get to be in charge, why does that make Alia responsible for Khanna's actions, and what actions and consequences are we talking about?]

At 90,000 words, Kaleidoscope is fast-paced and funny, a novel of supernatural suspense and growing-up. It is a dark [and yet funny?] look at how sometimes, what can’t be beaten must be joined.


Notes

I think a reorganization of the information might help. Something like:

Seventeen-year-old Alia would like to believe she has a shot at a normal life. She’s through with boarding school and is playing anonymous new girl at Mumbai’s most elite institution, St Xavier’s. And when part-time model and full-time decent guy Sid joins her literature class, Alia can ask for no more. [Is it okay to say Alia thinks she's found Nirvana? I don't want to suggest something that will cause Hindu fundamentalists to slap a death sentence on you.]

But karma can be so unreasonable. Alia's stepfather has made a deal with a tantric--a "magic man." In return for Bollywood superstardom, he has inadvertently placed Alia in the grip of a bizarre haunting. Seems a little shaitan--the soul of beggar boy Raju--is obsessed with Alia, and will stop at nothing to get her attention. Including murder.


Now dump that last plot paragraph and tell us what's at stake and what Alia plans to do about her situation.

Cartoon 942

Caption: arhooley

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Cartoon 941

Caption: Voter

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Face-Lift 922

Guess the Plot

The One at the Helm

1. The one at the helm could be the self. Or it could be madness (think Mr. Hyde). Or it could be God. You, the reader, decide in this story of a woman struggling with the darkness within, who visits a psychiatrist who goads her into physical combat during the session. Also, a terrifying angel.

2. The ship is full of wheel-shaped handles: steam valves, fuel cutoffs, the ones that shut the watertight doors. So as the ship plows towards the rocks and the injured captain yells, "Turn the wheel hard to starboard!," Festus has to think for a minute.

3. It's 1793, and Captain Andrew MacDougall of HMS Relentless navigates dangerous seas as his crew dies off man by man of a mysterious illness. Then they all rise as mer-zombies and force his ship to sail to various hellholes that zombies like.

4. In a world ruled by superstition and euphemisms, seaman Treller panics on his first voyage and calls the one at the helm 'Captain.' Penalty: the plank. Picked up by a ship full of people for whom a spade is a spade, can he stop talking around the subject before they toss him back into the sea?

5. The Helm is a biker bar on the outskirts of town. Jo is a waitress there. When blue-eyed Fritz starts hanging out, Jo is smitten. She never thought she'd fall for a white supremacist, but those eyes! Could Fritz be The One?

6. Leona will need that sharp eye and rough tongue of hers to pilot her hotel franchise business through the floating minefield of corporate takeovers and executive machinations. But if stepping all over the little guy brings success, the world will be singing the praises of Leona’s hotel empire long after she's gone.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I read on your website that you are looking for strong writing and voice in the area of literary fiction and I think you will enjoy my interpretation of magical realism.

In a story that could be described as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde meets The Alchemist, a young woman finds herself grappling with an unruly mind. Dissociating from the darker parts of self has strengthened them against her so that we open on an island with a madman in control. He is an external counterpart of the developments within. [Within what?] [It's not clear what you're talking about. What is the madman controlling? The island? Is there a real island?] When she tries to destroy him, she ends up on a locked ward with a savior of her own design, an angel (yes, an angel—a terrifying one) who is also deviant for he comes from the same deranged mind. [As the madman? As the girl?] Whatever you focus on becomes your fate, he warns, [So she immediately focuses on being a billionaire with a freezer full of Ben & Jerry's and no annoying angels hanging around.] knowing himself the embodiment [I don't know what "knowing himself the embodiment" means.] and fearing his darkening moods. But her obsessions are drawing her deeper within. [Within what?] [What are her obsessions?]

Enter Sage, the voice of wisdom who surfaces in the form of an unorthodox therapist. [In the form of? So Sage is some magical being who she thinks is a therapist?] Goading Aurora [Finally we find out the main character's name.] by poisoning a child in her office [If this doesn't send up a red flag, nothing will. Did she research the therapist's credentials?] and resurrecting a rapist from her past, the doctor draws her into physical combat with the parts she has repressed. [Physical combat, like with weapons? Fists? In the therapist's office? You decide to see a therapist, and s/he goads you into physical combat? At your first session? Is it the same session she poisoned the child at? And you're still there?] But violence begets violence and instead of defeating anything Aurora finds herself in yet another hold, another pattern, [another holding pattern,] another Catch-22. Before Sage can guide her into awareness and lead her on the path to mastering her mind, modern medicine intervenes with its bandages and drugs. Aurora resists its diagnosis and cure. Caught up in her own experiment and quest for meaning, she finds she needs the darkness. But is it as valid as light? And with the angel’s devotions becoming punishing, [I don't know what that means. You're probably starting to think I'm a moron.] is it worth her life?

A novel of antitheses, THE ONE AT THE HELM explores what it is to be human from the inside out. At 65,000 words, it is a psychological journey into madness and health, control and relinquishment; a novel that asks what brings the darkness? And must we know it to know light?

[insert bio here]

Per your guidelines the first five pages follow. I am happy to send the complete novel at your request. In the meantime, I appreciate your attention.

Sincerely,



PS In case it isn't clear where I get my title, The One at the Helm could be god, the self, one of the personae that take control when we lose it (i.e., madness), all those things that we default to when we choose to give our power away. Oh yeah, and there is that ship into which the dominant persona shoves the repressed parts in the opening.


Notes

This is a bit better than the original version, which the author replaced at the last minute, having anticipated my complaint that there was no plot. Unfortunately, there's still no plot. I can't tell if there's an island or a locked ward or an angel or a madman, or a psychiatrist's office, or actual physical combat . . . or if it's all in Aurora's mind.

Start over. Does Aurora believe she's losing her mind? Why, what events/symptoms gave her a clue? Does the therapist she goes to have a name, or just go by Sage? Is most of the book set in the therapist's office? Where else is it set?

Try telling us what happens without mentioning one single thing that isn't real. Tell it as if the reader is nine years old. I'm confident that if you do those two things, you'll have a much better query, and then we can let Phoenix refine it into a winner.

Cartoon 940

Caption: Evil Editor

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