Face-Lift 862

Guess the Plot

Sins of the Past

1. If having Vlad Tepes as a distant ancestor is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

2. An overzealous pastor stumbles across a time machine and sets out to convert every accursed heathen through history.

3. When a retired teacher of special needs students is murdered, police immediately suspect her former students were seeking revenge for all the past times she made them confess to being naughty, even when they weren't.

4. When the director of the Natural History Museum turns up half submerged in the La Brea Tar Pits, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: anthropology is a dirty business, and he'd better pick up a stuffed woolly mammoth from the gift shop for the kids.

5. In 2045 the Earth’s climate is wildly unpredictable because of decades of CO2 emissions. Ussiah, a Mennonite priest, can forecast the weather with meticulous accuracy. When a massive hurricane heads toward the US coast, the government asks Ussiah to predict its path, but he refuses to cooperate unless the country repents.

6. During a psychic reading, fashionista Tiffany learns the reason she can’t get a date; she was a heartless supermodel in her past life. To satisfy karma, Tiffany must transform Melvin, the nerdiest boy in high school, into a hunk. But can she do it before prom?

7. Devout youth turn to Father Kevin for confession. He understands their world and knows exactly what penance to prescribe for cyber-bullying or pirate downloads. But he's stymied when a mysterious stranger shows up to confess ox-coveting, regicide, obscene semaphores, and other . . . sins of the past.

8. Millie's mother was hung as a witch. Her aunt has been sheltering her ever since, trying to keep her from the prying eyes of the local law. But Millie can't stop playing with bones, cats and candles. Is she just a curious girl, or is she really her mother's daughter?

9. Jeb congratulates himself on getting away with murder – literally. But when the corpses of his victims rise up and threaten humanity’s future, Jeb must find a way to atone for his . . . Sins of the Past.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Teachers are being killed; brutally, systematically. Each murder more horrifying than the last. [I blame video games, rap music and the Internet.]

Detective Harry MacCormick hated working Saturday nights. [I see we've switched from present tense to past already.] All the garbage happened on Saturday nights, from teenagers wrapping their cars around trees, to alcohol fueled couple disputes; at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him. [That last phrase would make sense if it came after Harry was called to a murder scene.] When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, he hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones, chips and beer. [Change that last comma to a colon so it's clear that he has no actual loved ones, or at least none he wants to get back to.] But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning. [To me, this implies that he's unable to get back to his chips and beer because of additional murders. I doubt the additional murders occur that soon.] [I recommend dumping the first paragraph and the first two sentences of the second. Open with the phone call, and it might go like this:

When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, Detective Harry MacCormick hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones: chips and beer. But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning, as over the next eight hours three more retired teachers are brutally slain, one with safety scissors thrust into her eye, one with colored pencils shoved up her nostrils, another battered to death with a Garfield lunchbox. The media dubs it all the work of the Kindergarten Killer, the Moppet Murderer, the Elementary School Executioner.]

Who has motive for such crimes? Is it one of the former students of the first murdered teacher, who Harry soon discovers were being forced to confess by the teachers and principal to incidents that they didn't do? [People don't "do" incidents.] [I want an example of whatever these children were forced to confess. Timmy, either you confess that you spilled my coffee, or I call in Borgo the Disemboweler.] Or perhaps the janitor, with his checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals? [I told you we should have hired kindly old Mr. Goodfellow as school janitor instead of the guy with past involvement in sexual abuse scandals.] [How many sexual abuse scandals do you get before your past is no longer labeled "checkered"? This guy sounds more like he has a Sorry! past.]

Along with detectives John Defazio, his best friend on the force for ten years, who is about to be a father for the second time with his fiancee, and Jennifer Reed, a detective for only five years, but headstrong and determined to make a name for herself, Harry races against time to stop this madman before he kills again. [The brief tidbits of information about John and Jen are interfering with whatever tension has been built up.] [Also, as this is clearly the same book as our recent New Beginning, it becomes even stranger that Harry never seems to have any down time now that we know there are at least two other detectives in this small town.]

SINS OF THE PAST is a griping tale [The tale is gripping; griping is what Evil Editor has been doing.] of murder, revenge, and suspense that will keep you guessing about the identity of the killer to the end. [Not me; I've already deduced that the murderer is actor Paul Sorvino.] It is complete at 55,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Note to EE: The title comes from the first suspects the police have for the murders, the former students of the first murdered teacher, who was a special ed teacher.

[Who do you like for the murder, detective?

Former students is my guess.

But the former students are autistic.

Yeah but their teacher once got them to confess to writing on the walls, so I figure we can get them to confess to this and be done with it.]

She, along with the principal of the school, conspired to blame incidents on the students that they didn't do. And also of one of the other suspects in the murders, the janitor at the school, who was involved in sexual abuse scandals earlier in his life and may have abused some of the students.


Notes

I don't see why the police would suspect one of the students of the first murdered teacher, unless that person was also a student of the other murdered teachers. The motive for killing your teacher is not the same as the motive for killing random teachers.

Focus on the case. We don't need to know what happens on Saturday nights or that John's girlfriend is pregnant.

Cartoon 825

Caption: Lonie Polony

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Sunday Feature 23

Often books listed online have a colon in the title, separating the actual title from a description of the book that appears on the book's cover. I went to BN.com and searched for humorous books about fashion. Below you'll find a list of ten post-colon descriptions followed by a list of ten titles. Match them up.



1. Hope, Heartbreak, and the Search for the Perfect Pair
2. The Indignities of Coach Class, the Torments of Low Thread Count, the Never-Ending Quest for Artisanal Olive Oil, and Other First World Problems
3. A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, The Wonder Years before the Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase
4. An Illustrated Faux History Of Outrageous Trends And Their Untimely Demise
5. Nursery Rhymes for the Blahnik Brigade
6. Fashion Forecasts and Meaningless Misguidance
7. The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Preserving Your Assets
8. Your Personal Fashion Consultant
9. A Man's Guide to Style
10. A Guide to Good Manners and Social Survival in Alaska


a. Like I Give a Frock:
b. American Thighs:
c. Paisley Goes with Nothing:
d. Pretty in Plaid:
e. Don't Get Too Comfortable:
f. Fashion Means Your Fur Hat Is Dead:
g. Liberace:
h. This Little Piggy Went to Prada:
i. Forgotten Fashion:
j. It's All About the Shoes:


Scoring:

10 correct: Fashionista Extraordinaire
7 - 8 correct: Swanky Trendsetter
5 - 6 correct: Sloppy Sleaze
0 - 4 correct: Deviant Crudbag


Answers:


Don't Get Too Comfortable: The Indignities of Coach Class, the Torments of Low Thread Count, the Never-Ending Quest for Artisanal Olive Oil, and Other First World Problems

Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, The Wonder Years before the Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase

Forgotten Fashion: An Illustrated Faux History Of Outrageous Trends And Their Untimely Demise

This Little Piggy Went to Prada: Nursery Rhymes for the Blahnik Brigade

Like I Give a Frock: Fashion Forecasts and Meaningless Misguidance

American Thighs: The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide to Preserving Your Assets

Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant

Paisley Goes with Nothing: A Man's Guide to Style

It's All About the Shoes: Hope, Heartbreak, and the Search for the Perfect Pair

Fashion Means Your Fur Hat Is Dead: A Guide to Good Manners and Social Survival in Alaska

Saturday Film Series

New Beginning 826

The call came through at 5:50 pm., Detective Harold MacCormick had just settled into the leather chair in his den to watch the news and catch the football highlights. He lifted a large bag of chips off his lap and set them, along with the beer he was holding, on the small table next to the chair.

“Hello?” he said, trying hard to mask the frustration in his voice.

“Harry, it’s Joe. Sorry to cut in on your evening, but we have a stiff in an apartment on East 5th Street,” said Joe Devlin, Harry’s desk sergeant, with genuine regret in his voice. “You need to come in right away. We are pretty sure that it’s murder.”

“Okay, Joe, I’ll head on over to the scene now,” Harry said, with quiet resignation.

“Dammit.” Harry sighed as he placed the phone back on the table. One last chip and a quick swig of beer were poor consolation prizes. He sat back in his seat for a moment, gazing longingly at the blank television screen as he ran a hand through his short, brown hair. Apart from the occasional spree of break-ins or car thefts, nothing that exciting ever happened in Harton. There was a case a couple of years ago that had made all the local papers. A bunch of teenagers had beaten a Mexican immigrant to death. But aside from that, small town boredom was the biggest risk to life here. That made it all the more frustrating that on the one evening in a long time that Harry had set aside some quiet time for himself, someone had to go and get themselves killed.

Harry brushed chip crumbs off his belly, leaving streaks of salsa across his sweat top, and pushed himself up out of the La-Z-Boy. The foot rest snapped back and he dumped beer in his lap. No time to shave or get into uniform.

Twenty minutes later, Harry's beat up Pontiac groaned to a stop outside the crime scene. He noticed the press photographers and brushed the Playboy magazine off the dash before hauling himself out of the car. His first step landed right in a moist dog turd. "Shit," Harry confirmed.

As he ambled to the building entrance, his foot scraping on the ground to try and remove the foul-smelling crap, he noticed Chet Kittern, the editor of the local rag, grinning at him. "Well, look who's here at last," Kittern mocked. "It's . . . "

Here we go, the detective thought, pulling his sweat pants up over his belly. Moved all the way from San Francisco to bumfuck nowhere for the quiet life, changed my surname, but for some reason still can't shake the handle Dirty Harry.


Opening Toneman.2.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 824

Caption: John

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Face-Lift 861

Guess the Plot

Spirits of the Unknown

1. Ludlow hears voices in the surf. Wally thinks he ate too many pufferfish, but Ludlow is pretty sure the Spirits are speaking to him. Who are they, and what do they want? If only they spoke English! It all sounds like some kind of repetitive alien hissing/roaring noise.

2. When nature enthusiast Melvin Wilcox inherits his father’s vineyard, he decides the produce will be used for a new eco-friendly wine beverage. Unfortunately the concoction has a slow-acting but devastating side effect: it wipes out the drinker’s long-term memory. Can Melvin remedy the formula before he forgets he owns a vineyard?

3. Balah is a psychic, able to peer into the world beyond the Veil. When strange, amorphous blobs called Riphons begin to call to her, she wonders: is she losing her mind, or reaching the lost souls of another world?

4. When hopeless alcoholic Johnny Beam drunkenly swore to sell his soul for a whiskey, he had no idea his offer would be accepted. Now he’s doomed to a fiery – and thirsty – afterlife, unless he can win an unholy contest of the palate, by correctly identifying the . . . Spirits of the Unknown.

5. Ghosts haunt a spaceship on its way to planet Earth. This has nothing to do with the plot, but everything to do with the title. The plot is set in another solar system, where a brutal civil war has devastated a planet and everyone is a suspect.

6. Sparkle Starshine's investigation shows the house is full of haunting spirits, but spirits of what??? Tiny feet seem to run up and down the walls and in the ceiling. By night they make crunchy chewing noises, gnaw holes in the upholstery, and leave toothmarks on the furniture. Could they be the spirits of wererodents? Is it time to call upon the Ghost Cat?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Tilvanau has survived a murder plot which has claimed the lives of every member in his family. [Not quite. The plot didn't claim Tilvanau's life.] He doesn't know who to trust and grief may be clouding his judgment.

In an attempt to escape, his brother has [Apparently the plot didn't claim Tilvanau's brother's life either.] taken his family, [Didn't claim the lives of Tilvanau's nieces, nephews, or sister-in-law. Who, exactly (if anyone), is dead?] setting a course for earth [If we're not on Earth, I wanna know that up front. A conversation like:

"There's a murderer on the loose! We gotta get outta here!"

"But where will we go?"

"How about Earth?"

. . . is a bit jarring if you weren't aware that the speakers were on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] with the murderer hidden inside the ship. The ghosts of his family now haunt the ship [The ghosts of the brother's family? Were they ghosts when they boarded the ship or did the murderer kill them on board?] trying to disclose the killer to earthlings that don't understand their language and Tilvanau who doesn't believe in ghosts. [Are these earthlings on the ship or has the ship already reached Earth?] [Is/was Tilvanau on the ship?]

Meanwhile Tilvanau must face a brutal civil war which devastates his planet, [Where the hell is Tilvanau?! If he's still on his planet, facing a brutal civil war, how are the ghosts on the ship trying to reveal the murderer's identity to him?] and although the woman he loves can help him, she is found to have the greatest motive and opportunity. [I assumed Tilvanau's wife was among the family members who were murdered. So who's this woman he loves?] [Also, motive and opportunity to do what?]

Tilvanau finds himself fighting a war he can't seem to win. [You're talking about the brutal civil war? A guy fighting in a brutal war doesn't think thoughts like, I can't seem to win this war. He thinks thoughts like I hope I don't die today.] He must find the murderer before the murderer finds him. [The murderer was hiding on the ship that Tilvanau's brother took to Earth (see paragraph 2). So how can Tilvanau find the murderer or vice versa?] Everyone is a suspect having motive and opportunity, [Everyone? How can everyone have the opportunity to do whatever you're talking about?] but they all fear he has betrayed them by killing his own family to gain control over the planet. [How would killing his family give him control over the planet?]

SPIRITS OF THE UNKNOWN is a science fiction complete at 95,250 words

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Scrap the whole thing. Start by telling us who Tilvanau is. Like, is he the leader of the biggest country on the prison planet, Lycus IV? Then tell us what he wants, who's standing in his way, and what Tilvanau plans to do about it.

If you can't organize your information and express it clearly in the query, the reader will assume your book is also a mess. Let's hope it isn't.

If the spirits in the title are the ghosts of Tilvanau's or his brother's family, why are they "spirits of the unknown"? Aren't they spirits of the known?

Let's assume the motive/opportunity phrase applies to the murder of Tilvanau's family. If the woman Tilvanau loves was found (by whomever) to have the greatest motive and opportunity, why does everyone think Tilvanau did it?

Cartoon 823

Caption: anon.

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Channeling Poe

In retrospect, it was perhaps unduly harsh of me, some fifty years past, to brick Fortunato into the vaults beneath my Palazzo as punishment for a minor insult, the nature of which I have long since forgotten. But no.

You may well believe that having escaped punishment for my act, I would have taken satisfaction in my favorable outcome and would be loath to chance additional flirtations with the law. And such has indeed been the case for these five decades . . . until such time when I put to paper my confession, as it were, and brought it to the attention--not of the police, for I am no one's fool, but--of the gentleman who lives in the building directly opposite mine, who goes by the name Evil Editor. Confession, I hoped, would at last remove a great weight from my shoulders, and to present said confession in the guise of a work of fiction would save me from living out my waning days in a cell.

"Drivel." It was the word he used to describe my oeuvre, and no blade could have cut deeper. I thanked the boorish pig, never letting on that I had resolved to make him my second victim. But how was I to lure this gargantuan oaf into my crypt? The swill he had offered me in his home was evidence enough that he housed no pretensions in the field of oenology. Only during a casual consultation with Luchesi some weeks later which I cleverly steered toward the subject of my neighbor, did I discover the editor's solitary weakness: cheese danish.

When I "happened" to run into him months after, I subtly sprang my trap. "I have discovered the secret to the perfect cheese danish," I said. "Nitre. This is why I store my cheese danish in the dank vaults beneath my domicile. Perhaps you'd like to sample one? The gleam in his eye betrayed his eagerness.

In the cellar I pointed out the hole I had recently made in the wall behind which Fortunato's remains remained. "Step right through," I said. "The cheese danish is in there."

"What about coffee?" he asked.

"Coffee?"

"Can't eat cheese danish without coffee."

"There's coffee in there too."

"After you, my friend."

I had no choice but to precede him through the opening; to do otherwise would have looked suspicious. As I went through he shoved me with his boot, and my head collided with the far wall, not far from the hanging bones of Fortunato. By the time I regained consciousness, Evil Editor was working on the final row of bricks. "The good news," he said as he closed the last gap, "is that I've reconsidered. I'll be publishing your tale after all."

--Evil Editor

Cartoon 822

Caption: Evil Editor

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Survey Follow-up

If you are one of the people who declared they would want a copy of a book of writing exercises that appeared on this blog if you were among the contributors, send me a comment or email so I can look into whether you sent something that's right for my list (which won't be necessary if you're already on the list).

New Beginning 825

She wasn’t at school.

“She has to be. I saw her get on the bus this morning,” Katie said. She tried to keep her voice calm, reasonable, measured. But already the panic and guilt were setting in. She hadn’t actually seen her sister get on the bus. Sure she’d seen the bus pulling up. And yeah, she’d seen her sister walk out the door. But the truth was she hadn’t actually seen her sister get on the bus. Now it was five hours later and her mother was calling.

“I just turned my phone on and there’s a message from the school saying she isn’t there. You’re sure she’s not at home?”

Katie kept her breath steady. “I’ve been home for the last hour and I haven’t seen her. Maybe she went out somewhere?” That was silly. Her sister never went out anywhere. She barely got out of bed. That’s why she went to a special school and that’s why Katie was supposed to watch to make sure she got on the bus.

“I’m on my way home,” Katie’s mom said.

“Yeah, okay.” Katie ended the call on her phone. The school must have made a mistake. Her sister wasn’t home. Katie would know if she was home.

Katie walked through the house once more, shouting her sister's name, as though she might be hiding in a closet or something. She was definitely not in the house.

Ten minutes later she heard the front door and ran downstairs.

"She here?" Mom asked.

"Not a sign," Katie replied, grabbing Mom's coat.

"I'm guessing she might have locked herself in the neighbor's garage again. They won't be home from work for hours."

"What are we going to do?"

Mom closed the front door, looked at me, and took a deep breath. "I rented a couple of DVDs and ordered Vietnamese on the way home. After that . . . it's makeover time! God, when will people realize we have special needs too?"


Opening: Lauren Krystaf.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 821

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 860

Guess the Plot

Eyes of Stone

1. Anaiiya is the lone human living in a tribe of gargoyles. Or is she? Suddenly she's seeing visions no one else can see. There's a monster within her! A deranged queen attacks. Immortal magical beings go to war for control of Anaiiya's powers. Life's never easy when your name is almost all vowels.

2. Stone Keller, embalmer for the town's one funeral home, can see the eternal destiny of souls when he stares into the eyes of the dead. Working on Father Murphy’s corpse, Stone discovers he is agonizing in hell, but the town’s folk start praying to Father Murphy, believing he will be canonized. Can Stone enable the people to see through his eyes before all their souls are lost?

3. What is wrong with Jeff? Can he not see Tiffany's total awesomeness is exactly what he needs? Well, he's got three weeks to lose his eyes of stone. Because that's when Tiffany get's her sorcery license, and she will definitely get her man or her revenge. If Jeff flunks at love, he might as well be a cat.

4. Carrie's wealthy grandparents take her to Easter Island, where she's captivated by the moai, the giant stone heads. One comes to her in her dreams, telling her about the young warrior trapped within. Can she help him escape, or must he always use--Eyes of Stone?

5. The cavemen try mud balls, leaves, peach-pits, beeswax, feathers, chunks of old bones -- nothing brings the statue to life until Ursu finds a pair of mysterious stones in the space alien's camp and screws them into the eye sockets. But the statue turns out to be a wicked fire-breathing robot and everyone will perish unless Tudd and his dire wolf can put those eyes out.

6. Alice married in haste, and has discovered that Bob, who rules his corporation with an iron fist, has feet of clay, a lily-liver, and a heart of glass. When an optometrist reveals that Bob also has eyes of stone, will this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?



Original Version

Anaiiya's always known she's human. Even living among the last of the gargoyles, the certain knowledge of who and what she is has always been with her. But when a deranged queen who sees only traitors in every non-human species launches an attack on the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya discovers a dark truth: There's a monster inside her waiting for the right trigger to free itself. Seeing her family assaulted, she blacks out—and awakens covered in the blood of thirty men, with no memory of how it happened. [I know guys in the movies will mindlessly continue attacking an invincible enemy until they're all wiped out, but it seems to me that in real life, once ten or fifteen of you have been slaughtered by one individual, the rest would retreat and regroup and consider whether Plan B (whether it be call in air support or hide in the nearest cave), might be a better strategy. Someone should do a study to determine if I'm right.]

Now the river boils when she sings and [the fishermen are threatening to attack her if she doesn't quit singing and] drops of blood show her visions only she can see. [Visions of what?] The monster within, the thing she’s becoming, fills her with a bloodthirsty darkness that demands to be sated. She struggles against it and turns her newfound powers to defending her beloved tribe. [Do you mean her water-boiling and vision-having powers, or does she have other powers?]

But Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures than a mad queen and her militant army. [When you have to take on an entire army, it's much better if it's a laid-back pacifist army than a militant one.] Using the gargoyles as pawns, immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers. [We may be immortal beings of dark magic, but we simply must know how you do that river-boiling trick.] Because of Anaiiya, the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever and only she can save them —- if the darkness growing like a cancer within her soul doesn't destroy them first.

EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 [-word] fantasy.


Notes

A lot of words are devoted to describing what's happening to Anaiiya, but they're mostly general: the darkness growing like a cancer within her soul; a monster inside her; the thing she’s becoming; a bloodthirsty darkness. How about some specifics? What does she see in her visions? Apparently she's not just morphing into a gargoyle.

The ability to win a battle against thirty soldiers is impressive, but not to immortal beings of dark magic, who could probably defeat forty guys, so we want to know what powers Anaiiya has that are coveted by these immortal beings.

You claim "the certain knowledge of who and what she is has always been with her." I don't think so. Even by the end of the query she doesn't seem to know who or what she is.

Cartoon 820

Caption: Lonie Polony

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Sunday Feature 22

1. You never know when the Blogger people are gonna say, "Screw this, we've been hosting blogs for a decade and we haven't made a dime; let's shut it down and open a restaurant." That's one reason I've collected the funniest stuff on this blog into five books and a DVD.

2. Last year in the Brenda Novak auction I won, for a paltry seven dollars, the right to use my choice of dozens of paintings by a certain artist on a book cover. Turned out none of her paintings included Evil Editor, but this one looks kind of like Evil Editor holding court before his minions . . . err, minnows.

3. Like most of you, my favorite author to read when I need a pick-me-up is Evil Editor. Turns out the majority of my writing in recent years has been the writing exercises on this blog, but trying to read my writing exercises is a pain, as they're scattered throughout four+ years of blog posts. The solution, I decided, is to put together a book containing my favorites. But after gathering them together I discovered I had only about 60 I wanted to use, and I'd rather have a nice round 100. So I'll be adding some of your exercises. But it turns out reading all of your exercises in search of those worthy of being included is an even bigger pain.

4. On the other hand, writing exercises are a good topic to go with a painting of a school of fish. Get it? School of fish?

5. Another pain is deciding whether to produce a few copies of the book for myself (and to give to Evilette and Evil Jr. as birthday presents instead of cars and Xboxes), which would be expensive per-copy-wise, or whether this is a product that a school of you would want, in which case it would cost the same as the other Evil Editor books.

6. So, if you are someone who submitted writing exercises, and you are also someone who would want a copy of this book only if one of your writing exercises were in it because you suspect it will be the most impressive item on your resume, let me know. I'm perfectly willing to bloggoogle your name and find your best work and include it just to make an extra sale, even if I have to edit your piece to the point where it becomes unrecognizable as your work. And if I can't salvage any of your exercises, I'll let you know so you can spend your $10 on something else, perhaps a copy of Why You Don't Get Published.

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 859

Guess the Plot

The Land of Endless Night

1. Frustrated bowler and evil-warlock-in-training, Hackasack, has fumbled a spell on the black light lamps at Bowling Land, causing a town-wide eclipse of the sun. Only a perfect game can break the spell. Can bowling wonder Rory save the town?

2. Fifty years ago, the town of Elklarshire reneged on a deal the citizens made with a warlock to save their children from a plague. Now, the children are about to see light for the very first time. Ironically, the light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

3. In a land where volcanic ash has blocked out the sun, an evil overlord with the ability to turn rabbits into bloodthirsty weredingos attempts to gain dominion over the puny people. Can 16-year-old Dara and her ragtag companions thwart Gurodun before he destroys the vessels containing the essences of their abilities? Or is everyone doomed?

4. Doctor Lye tried to convince humanity that the upcoming solar eclipse was a plot by vampires to blot out the sun. He failed and eternal night engulfed the Earth. Now his son leads the underground resistance in adapting an amusement park attraction into a moon-destroying missile.

5. Everyone except Sunny is excited about moving to the planet Nero, which is devoid of shopping malls and eligible boys, and gets no sunlight. Sunny’s wardrobe, love life and sexy tan are doomed. How can Sunny shine in . . . The Land of Endless Night?

6. That opaque dome over Las Vegas was supposed to boost the economy ten-fold by creating an endless night: more night means more drinking, more gambling, more commercial sex. But some fiend blew up the power supply. Now the oxygen is dwindling, the lights are out, and the survival of Lotty Cha-cha and her dancing chorus depends on groping their way to an exit before they suffocate.



Original Version

Dear Evil One,

Dara is not a typical sixteen-year-old. Sure, she never met a chore she didn’t hate, and seeing a cute boy makes her heart beat faster. But she also spends hours a day learning to use lethal weapons, including some she wields with her mind.

She’ll need that training after a power-hungry overseer [Not bad, but I'm not sure "power-hungry overseer" has enough cachet to capture the minions' hearts like such villains as ruthless vigilante sorcerers and brutal eunuchs once did.] named Gurodun attempts to destroy the Light Gems--vessels containing the essence of the unique abilities of all the people of Dara’s world. With powerful dark gems in his possession, Gurodun feels he no longer needs the paltry gift the Light Gems give him. [Do dark gems contain the essence of the unique abilities of the power-hungry overseers of Dara's world? Because if they aren't pretty similar to Light Gems, maybe they should have a name that's not so similar.] Once the Gems are gone, and everyone’s gifts fade, he’ll be well on his way to attaining dominion over them all. [But will he be happy? Wouldn't it be like having dominion over sheep?] [If the dark gems are so powerful, and the Light Gems provide paltry gifts, why can't Gurodun attain dominion now? More importantly, if the dark gems are more powerful, how come only the Light Gems rate capital letters?] Dara’s grandfather thwarts Gurodun’s plans by using telekinesis to scatter the Gems to the far reaches of their world. The effort takes his life.

Her grandfather’s sacrifice is only a temporary fix, however. It’s only a matter of time before Gurodun hunts down the Gems. Dara sets her grief aside and joins forces with a small group bent on stopping him at all costs.

It may cost them everything given that Gurodun’s newfound talents include a potent knack for controlling others with his speech, the ability to mutate innocuous animals into bloodthirsty predators, and the power to revive a long-extinct race of shape-shifters. [This query seems a bit long, and this is the paragraph it can do without.]

A gifted seer provides clues [It's gifted seer vs. power-hungry overseer in Extreme Sage Fighting.] that lead Dara and her companions to a land covered in dormant volcanoes with more than just rock formations hidden in their shadows. The group must put aside their differences, and attractions, as they struggle across perilous terrain to reach the first Gem before Gurodun gets it--or gets them. [The first Gem? Does Gurodun have to find the Gems in a specific order? Couldn't he be going after any of the scattered Gems?]

THE LAND OF ENDLESS NIGHT is a YA fantasy complete at 76,000 words. It can stand alone, but has series potential.


[Note to EE-- the title comes from the name the land (where the first Gem is found) used to be called in ancient times because ash was constantly blocking the sun there.]


Notes

If scattering the Gems to the far reaches of the land is gonna be fatal, grandpa should have just put the whole batch at the bottom of the ocean.

How many Light Gems are there? Five? One for every person?

Why was Dara spending hours a day training with lethal weapons even before the Gurodun threat came along?

How is it that grandpa has access to all of the Light Gems in the first place? I mean, if the essence of my unique abilities were in a gem/vessel, I'd want that gem/vessel in Fort Knox or at least somewhere requiring the power-hungry overseer to perform a cavity search to get it. I wouldn't entrust it to Dara's grandfather. Yet apparently gramps has all of the Gems.

How many people live in this world? I mean, if some evil overlord were trying to gain dominion over humans on Earth, there'd be more than a 16-year-old and her band of companions trying to stop him. Where are the armies?

It would be nice if the query didn't prompt so many questions, or if it answered a few of them.

Cartoon 819

Caption: Anonymous

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New Beginning 824

Lizzie wasn’t the first person to kill herself this year. Five weeks prior to her final ascension Gordy “Queerbait” Wilson hung himself in his basement. Rumor has it he used the belt his father beat him with. For two days he hung there, feet pooling with blood, before daddy came down the stairs in search of a cold one.

I guess that’s the difference between Gordy and Lizzie.

Lizzie didn’t go quietly.

I’m Angelina Lakesly. I was Lizzie’s best friend. We met in kindergarten – did the whole blood-sisters-death-do-us-part thing with a couple of Home Ec sewing needles. Lizzie cried when the needle pierced her skin, but not me. Back then nothing could scare me.

I got breasts before she did, started dating before she did. My parents divorced first. (Lucky me!) We used to joke that I’d get knocked up first but it was one of those jokes based completely in reality. Lizzie never touched anybody. She was Prude Queen.

Then everything changed. I’m sure you’ve heard about it. Every blogger within a ten mile radius had a fucking field day with the story: Little Miss Perfect Seduces Prom King While Girlfriend Primps Down the Hall.

Unless you use Twitter. The whole sordid tale was too many characters for a Tweet, so went unnoticed on Twitter. Just emo kids doing what they do, anyway. Bored by it now. Need to log on to FB and friend some new kids.


Opening: Chelsea P......Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 818

Caption: Khazar-khum

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Face-Lift 858

Guess the Plot

A Girl and Her Octopus

1. Come on. Do I HAVE to explain what this book is about?

2. Tiffany spent her entire summer vacation coaxing the octopus to emerge from that tide pool. But now Dad won't let her bring him home. If she pretends to obediently flush the gastropod, can she sneak her new pet back to Kansas in her suitcase?

3. Every time Nemo Jones tries to complete his speech for the documentary about his undersea miracle of post-modern living, that damn girl swims to the window and makes silly faces at the camera while her octopus sullies the glass with its arm-slime. Where does this pesky wench come from, and how can he be rid of her?

4. In 2487, Earth depends on the asteroid miners for raw minerals. Miner Jax Subit is one of the youngest, driving her eight-armed mining droid in the outer belt to support her family Earthside. When war leaves half of Earth a smoking hulk, Jax realizes that she can finally afford those implants, since she doesn't have to send money home anymore.

5. Sheila's cool with the prune look, the suction cup hickies and scarecrow hair from all the salt. Octi makes it all worthwhile, bringing her pretty shells and bits of coral from the deep. But when Octi brings her a doubloon, greedy eyes take interest and the hunt is on.

6. Ever since an octopus saved Octavia from drowning, the two have been inseparable friends. But when she falls in love with Otto, who is allergic to gastropods, Octavia must decide if she can give her octopus up, and be content with a man with only two tentacles…er, arms.

7. After the hurricane, Tina does her best to hide her new pet, but at story time three suckered tentacles grab Mom by the ankle and pull her under the bed, where she is summarily devoured by a monster that will quickly grow to enormous proportions and devour everything that moves in Orlando.

8. Michelle is the richest girl in the universe, but she won't be happy unless she and her octopus guardian Soangdu can break her Aunt Lisa out of the mental institution. Fortunately they have help from a doctor, if they can just get him to focus on the mission instead of his quest for the Twinkies recipe.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A generation after spaceflight begins, humans have spread to hundreds of planets and haven’t found other sentient life forms; right? [Wrong. Space flight began a couple generations ago, and humans haven't reached any planets.] For ten years after her mother’s kidnapping and murder, twelve-year-old Michelle Gulden, the richest girl in the universe, has lived in her father’s lab on a small planet. Now she must get her aunt, Lisa, from a mental hospital before her father dies, an adventure she’s always wanted. [This is the plot of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, except set on Pluto.]

She has the help of her two guardians, Chirpizadon and Soangdu, but her guardians must be passed off as pets. Chirpizadon, who was bred in her father’s lab and has a genius I.Q., as a furball. [Was that a sentence?] Soangdu, is an octopus that hates people and hates being thought a pet. [No comma needed in that sentence.] When they discover that her mother’s murder was only part of a conspiracy trying to take over; [Take over what? Whatever. Change semicolon to comma.] they must try to destroy the whole conspiracy with the help of a pet-shop owner who seems to know too much and is close to the leader [Leader of what?] and a doctor on a quest for [a] mythical recipe for Twinkies.

My 60,000 word young adult book, “A Girl and Her Octopus: It’s a Beautiful Thing”, is a science-fiction story that plays with ideas about what is “human”.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's safe to assume that if this were a real query for a real book it wouldn't have "It's a Beautiful Thing" tacked onto the title. Even A Girl and Her Octopus is a title so ridiculous it could be applied only to bad fan fiction about Spiderman's nemesis, Dr. Octopus.

Cartoon 817

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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New Beginning 823

Adam checked his watch, only to remember that the face was smashed in, and the arms were twisted at odd angles. Ultimately, it was in bad condition. It didn't even tell the date anymore, but from looking at calendars, He thought it to be about September, maybe early October.

It was hot out, his hair sticking to his forehead, and the back of his neck. Adam wrinkled his nose and coughed into his arm. The entire city smelled like the damn Reekers.

He felt rats scamper over his scuffed shoes, but he was so used to it that he hardly flinched anymore. Hardly.

"Hey, Adam," Raine caught his attention, and pointed it into the direction of a rundown Gas Station, "I bet we could find a map in there."

"Good idea. Gio and Lacy go around the back to check for some Reekers, and Raine and I will go around the front and check out the inside first. Todd, you can stay back and look outside." Adam seemed to like calling the shots, going back into his head to get information from the countless facts about surviving he had memorized.

Adam went to the very front with Raine, and scoped it all out, eyes scanning, brains worrying. Nothing seemed to be wrong, except for a rotting hand by the handicap symbol that was painted and faded into a parking spot that had been vacant for some time now.

But he didn't let his guard down, and they ventured inside the seemingly abandoned gas station, their foot-steps careful and calculated.

Inside, the gas station was as devastated as the world outside. Most everything of value had been taken, and what was left was strewn broken or rotting across the floor.

Adam noticed the map stand wedged behind the empty drinks cooler. It had taken some strength to move that; whoever did it, he didn't want to meet. "Raine!" he shouted. "Give me a hand."

Silence. Then a sickening scraping shuffle. Then something clammy against his neck. Adam felt his bowels loosen as he turned to face... Raine. "This one do?" Raine asked. "I found it outside."

Thus came to pass the demise of the last member of the human race.


Opening: Lindsey.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 816

Caption: Anon.

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Success Story

My fantasy story "The Things That Remain," which came into existence as a Bad Backstory exercise and came up for another round as New Beginning 666 has actually gotten published (first time any of mine have done that anywhere) in Mindflights Magazine.

Thank you for the bad back-story prompt! And thanks to you and all the minions for suggesting that there was a real story there, for insisting that the heroine of a real story could not be named Slubka, &c.

Joanna

New Beginning 822

It was one of those nights of the dreadful winter, after the celebrations of Christmas, after the singular toasts of New Years, about halfway through the month of January. A winter's night that no longer delighted with brisk cold and playful flurries but rather filled the chilled the heart and ached the body tired from shoveling. It was, coincidentally, my eighteenth birthday and my 15-year-old brother Dick stood in the great room at the foot of the stairs, singing at the top of his lungs.

"Oh come all ye faithful. Sing of Chad's ex-paul-shin from hi-is, Mo-ther's womb, womb, womb, womb..."

"Stop that caterwauling. I’m trying to write my column and I'm on deadline," our father yelled from his computer. Now normally, an order like that might have been accepted with dutiful silence. Not this day in frigid, disgusting January history. My other younger brother Steven, lacking the brains God gave a turnip, joined in, clanging an old school bell.

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! Thomas Pynchon wears pantyhose..."

"That's it!" Our father said. "I warned you." With a flick of Father's wrist, Steven popped and fizzled out, like the bottles of champagne opened for New Year's only a couple weeks ago.

A moment later, Dick was likewise extinguished.

"Are you in the mood for caterwauling too?" Father asked me.

"No I'm fine," I squeaked from my computer.

Web conference birthdays. Not as good as the real thing.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Naomio

Cartoon 815

Caption: Whirlochre

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Sunday Feature 21

Face-Lift 857

Guess the Plot

A Sweet Disorder

1. After years of testing various formulas, Milla and Luke finally perfect their Candy Bar NummyBites and are set to make millions . . . if they can just figure out how to keep the secret ingredient from causing cannibalistic tendencies.

2. You know how a small flaw in an article of clothing can make it seem more beautiful than if it were perfect? Jack's flaw is that he thinks he can solve crimes better than the Cretins on the police force. He stumbles on a murder, investigates, calls the principles together, announces whodunnit . . . and gets it all wrong, eliminating any chance of this detective novel becoming a series.

3. Amy almost abandons her dream of becoming a pastry chef when a rare disorder leaves her unable to taste sweetness. Her best friend volunteers his tongue for an experimental transplant, and she realizes she loves him. But really, is there an upside to marrying a man with no tongue?

4. After Professor Sager genetically engineers sugar so that it fights cavities, the Anerican Dental Association kidnaps the professor and destroys the formula. Sager decides to drop his project and work on a cancer-curing cigarette.

5. When he discovers that someone is lacing the Bon Ton Bonbon Company's chocolate truffles with salmonella, Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: that disgruntled rival chocolatier Fifi LaRue is behind the sabotage, and that he'd better pick up a Whitman sampler for his wife on the way home from work.

6. Rhonda has a medical condition. It's called a sweet tooth, and if she can't get rid of it, she fears she won't fit into her wedding gown. Little does she know, Paul has the same affliction, and already can't button the pants of his tux. Will they spend the next two months dieting, and blame each other for their misery? Or will they fess up and elope to a hotel next to a bakery?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jack and Zoe have a special relationship. He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he should have been a mummy. [This makes sense only to those who know that mummies are notoriously strait-laced, a group which may include only yourself.] [Now, it might be an amusing joke if mummies were wrapped in lace or if the strips of linen they were wrapped in were tied like shoe laces. As that isn't the case, I recommend one of the following jokes as a replacement: He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he should have been a shoe salesman; He’s the young American doctor, so strait-laced he moonlights as a doily.] She’s the wild, spontaneous one, who chucked her nursing post in London to trek round the world. [It seems that they would have met because of their doctor/nurse professions, but if she chucked her post to trek around the world, how did they become a couple?] Things happen around Zoe, and Jack had better get used to it.

Their honeymoon in Crete has hardly begun when they come across a handsome young corpse by the swimming pool. [If he's a zombie, call him a zombie. I'm not sure it's a good idea for a zombie to be by the pool. Sunlight and chlorine are bad enough for your skin when you're alive.] Zoe hardly blinks. Like the police inspector says, sometimes even healthy young men die unexpectedly. That’s good enough for Zoe.

What she can’t fathom is what gets into Jack. Suddenly her quiet, socially inept bumbler is sniffing about for clues and generally sticking his nose everywhere it doesn’t belong. Zoe can tell him exactly what he’ll find: a web of petty village jealousies, a coven of crooked British ex-pats, and a charming little fishing port where smuggling is the real catch of the day. It’s all a bit unsettling—what happened to the comfortably boring stick-in-the-mud she married?

The second body to turn up is so battered and bloody, even the police can’t look the other way. By now Jack’s way ahead of them. And way cleverer, too—if he got through med school, he smirks, then solving the odd murder or two will be easy. It’s one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent education. The solution he presents to the assembled local noteworthies is pure brilliance.

Too bad he gets it all wrong. And in front of all those people, too.

In A Sweet Disorder, a marriage divided by a common language gets a good dose of murder. Noir it’s not—a lot more ouzo’s spilled here than blood. Aimed at readers who look down their noses at whodunnits, [If you've written a whodunnit, your best bet is to aim it at people who don't look down their noses at whodunnits. I base this on the likelihood that the book will be shelved with the whodunnits, and the people who look down their noses at whodunnits won't even know where the whodunnit section is.] this cozy mystery has enough literary pretensions to appeal to fans of Guillermo Martinez, Donna Tart, Josef Sforecky or Arturo Pérez-Reverte, without turning off those whose tastes run more towards Marian Keyes. [I'm starting to think it's the query that has literary pretensions. Which is not a good thing, even if you spell Donna Tartt's and Josef Skvorecky's names right.]

Now the personal bits. After sixteen years in a transatlantic marriage, I know exactly what Mr Churchill was on about. [No idea what that means, but here are some amusing Churchill quotes: "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I shall not put." "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."] For ten years I practiced medicine in the US, but [eventually they discovered I'd never been to med school, so] eight years ago I moved to the UK to write reports for a Major Pharmaceutical Company. The stuff I churn out is meant to convince government agencies our products are safe, effective and absolutely crucial for the public health. No author could ask for a better way to exercise his imagination and creativity. [I applaud the way you cleverly cloak in humor the claim that writing pharmaceutical reports is relevant to writing a mystery. However, as the query is already too long, I would limit the "personal bits" to your medical practice, assuming your doctor and nurse make use of medical training in solving the case.] [Also, it's probably not a good idea to refer to your one example of getting published as "the stuff I churn out."]

A Sweet Disorder, complete at 150,000 words, is my first novel. I’ve enclosed the first three chapters and would very much like to send you the rest of the manuscript.

Yours sincerely,


[explanatory note for 'Guess the Plot' purposes: A Sweet Disorder is a Herrick poem about untied shoes.]


Notes

I like paragraphs 2, 3, and 4. Good voice, just enough plot to draw me in. That plus an opening and a closing would be a fine query. Get rid of the personal bits and the name-dropping, which will cut about a third of the query, and then do the same to the book, because it's a rare first novel that sells at 150,000 words.

We're pretty accustomed to our fictional detectives getting it right. A detective who gets it all wrong may seem like a refreshing change, but an agent may want to infer that Jack or Zoe eventually solves the case, so it wouldn't hurt to so imply.

Cartoon 814

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 821

I remember the last day of hunting season in 2015, the cold wind blowing the clouds from the valley, the deep green line of pine trees on the hills above and the browns, yellows and oranges of fallen leaves in the valleys. After a disappointing week of no bucks just does and yearlings, this was a hunter's nightmare that kept us awake in our tent during the long nights. Our once in a lifetime trip to the Appalachian Game Preserve ending in a bust. No trophy. No ten point, 36 inch masterpiece of manliness to hang on our wall.

Skeeter and I trudged back to camp and collapsed the tents, rolling up the sleeping bags and scattering the last, stale remains of jerky and biscuits for the birds and varmints. That's when Skeeter grimaced in pain and held his hands to his ears. I heard and felt it a moment later -- an alien, nerve shattering whine that ripped the world to whiteness, pain and unconsciousness.

I collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. Skeeter was lying on the ground next to me. He opened his mouth and made the sound again, this time louder, and I screamed in a similar fashion as my innards began to twist inside me. That's when I noticed that Skeeter had removed what used to be his hands from his growing ears. He stared back at me with sad Bambi eyes, and I realized the horrible truth. That yearling that attacked us the night before was no ordinary yearling, and we were becoming our own worst nightmare--Weredeer.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Janae

Cartoon 813

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 820

"Ho, ho, fukkin' ho."

"I'll take that as a compliment," she said.

Santa looked her up and down. Long shapely legs below and hourglass figure all topped by bright brown eyes in a sophisticated face. Just the sort to make the naughty and nice list at the same time.

"So what can I do for you?" asked Santa.

"Aren't you going to warn me it's a hundred dollars a day, plus expenses?"

She walked through his office like it was a model's runway, walking through a pool of light from the hooded bulb in the ceiling. She glided into the chair in front of his desk and pulled out a cigarette.

"Got a light?"

"What for? You don't smoke. He watched the expression on her face. "Your skin is too clear, there are no stains on your fingers, and you've got the filter tip pointing away from you. Now, what do you want from me?"

She looked down. She'd had a plan, he'd just crushed it. She had no plan B and so, slowly, the truth would start coming out. Santa gave her time. He didn't have to press her.

Outside, the city was having ans uneasy sleep. They all thought Christmas was a long way away and by then the old man would forget. Santa never forgot, though most times he could forgive. When he couldn't, well, that's what the detective agency was for.

"I need you to find someone," she said at last.

Santa sighed. Down to business. "Okay," he said, dropping himself into an oversized office chair that echoed his sigh as his weight hit it.

"My ex-husband," the woman said.

Santa picked up a pencil, looked at her and raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, right. Six-two, black hair, balding--"

"His name?"

"Oh, uh, Peter Patrick Marley... You're not writing."

"Just give me a second." Santa cleared his throat. "Here." He stabbed a map with his pencil. "He lives here. 1204 Regents."

"That's it?"

"I'm Santa. I know where everyone lives. That's a hundred bucks."

Santa took the money and watched the woman sway out of his office. This was sure easier, and more profitable, than his previous gig.


Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 812

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 856

Guess the Plot

The Lifewishers of Dragonfly Valley

1. The kids at Dragonfly Valley High have nothing to do but wish for a real life, away from this boring suburb with the queerest name imaginable. Then Mandy wakes up to find she's got a new life all right, complete with dragonfly wings. And her crush Mike is a hungry sparrow.

2. When Burt discovers that he can wish into existence new forms of life that are not easy to domesticate, his creations cause havoc and destruction in Dragonfly Valley. Banished, Burt must decide whether to help the very people who ostracized him.

3. For fifteen years Emily and Bob have struggled to bring their animated fantasy to the big screen. But when distributors turn them down, they're at wit's end, until a mysterious phone call has them plotting ways to make money. But is robbing banks, extortion and murder-for-hire really the best way to finance a kids' morality tale?

4. Pinkawink is happy in the saccharine-sweet magical realm of Dragonfly Valley. As chief of the Lifewishers – a caste of pixies who wish life into every creature – her life is idyllic. But when evil billionaire Gil Bates plunders the valley for his unicorn ranch, Pinkawink must lead the dangerous rescue and revenge mission. Can the Lifewishers cut the sweetness with a dash of…deathwish?

5. When Polly is diagnosed with a terminal illness, her mother seeks the only ones who can cure her, the legendary Lifewishers. But are these faeries as benign as they appear, or does the deal come with a hidden cost?

6. The Lisellan queen's life-wishing power lets her cause death as well as life, with a single word. Fearing this power, Princess Dalia and her fiance, a dragonfly rider, ride a millipede into exile to await the queen's death. But they encounter an army of lizard riders preparing to invade. Should they ride back on dung beetles to warn the queen?



Original Version

Ash is a dragonfly-rider knight, tasked with protecting both the Lisellan people and those they enslaved in the last war, the Bedun.

When a Bedun war criminal escapes from the Lisellan underground prison and disappears into Bedun territory, rumors spread that the Bedun are preparing for war, led by this unknown stranger. [If the Bedun are enslaved, aren't they being monitored by the Lisellans? Why would the Lisellans need to get their information from rumors? Shouldn't they have first-hand knowledge of war preparations?]

Because Ash's father was Bedun, and his mother was a Lisellan noble, and he's accepted by both cultures, the Lisellan queen decides to use him to make a gesture of goodwill by marrying Ash to her daughter, princess Dalia, along with a public promise of eventual freedom for the Bedun and unification of the two peoples. Dalia shares Ash's desire to unify the two peoples and end the conflict.

But this announcement doesn't pacify the Bedun. Conflict breaks out, and Ash volunteers to lead the effort to end the violence and forge peace, for he wants to keep his engagement with Dalia intact, prove his loyalty to the Lisellan, and protect the Bedun from the bloodbath and sorrow the last war created. [If the Bedun were subjected to a bloodbath in the last war, and they're now enslaved, what makes them think they can win this time? Do they have any weapons? Do they vastly outnumber the Lisellans?]

As conflict swells into war, and the fighting begins to go badly for the Lisellan, Ash is accused of treason. He's jailed, interrogated, tortured, and sentenced to be executed.

Dalia knows he's innocent and breaks him out of prison. [Apparently breaking out of Lisellan prisons is a piece of cake.] They decide to escape into exile until the queen should die, at which point they can return as rulers to bring peace to all. [I'm not sure you've made the queen look bad enough to justify this. She just offered freedom and unification, so Ash and Dalia flee to await her death?] But Dalia has another reason to leave--she's come to fear the queen's secretive power of "life-wishing" that the queen uses to manipulate everyone around her, even to kill with just a word.

They sneak out of the city with the traders, riding on the back of a millipede. [It's slower than a horse, but you don't have to put a millipede down if it breaks a leg.] When they pass the forest border they observe the ruthless Northern Lizard-rider army quietly massing for an invasion. [It takes a lot of discipline for an army to mass quietly.]

Ash realizes that with the Bedun and Lisellan armies at each other's throats, the only way to repel the invaders is for both armies to unite and work together, else everyone he knows will be killed or enslaved.

Lisellan general: Look, I know there's still some hard feelings from the bloodbath and the whole enslavement thing, but we need you to fight alongside us in repelling the lizard riders.

Bedun general: Alongside you?

Lisellan general: Well, not alongside, exactly. You guys charge ahead and we'll bring up the rear.]

But if he returns with this news, he may not be believed by either side. If they go to the Queen he may be executed, and Dalia fears what the queen may do to her too. But if they go to the Bedun--no one knows anything about the identity or character of the escaped prisoner that leads them, except that he hates the Lisellan enough to start a war.

But they have to try.

THE LIFEWISHERS OF DRAGONFLY VALLEY is a 100k word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

Possibly it should be made clear whether the dragonflies, millipedes and lizards are huge, or the "people" are tiny.

This is way too much information for a query. Limit yourself to ten sentences in which you introduce your world, introduce your main character(s), describe their problem, and tell us how they plan to deal with it. This is a synopsis, and synopses are boring. You don't want to send something boring until it's actually requested.

Based on the title, the queen isn't the only one with life-wishing power. Is it hereditary, in which case Dalia should have it? Who has it?

If the queen's power allows her to manipulate and kill people with a word, winning a war should be easy. Send her to the front lines and let her work her magic.

Cartoon 811

Caption: anon.

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New Beginning 819

The music was too loud, the other women were too rowdy, and the young men waiting tables were not wearing enough clothes. Actually, other than a flimsy little pouch held on with elastic strings, they weren’t wearing any clothes. The bulging maleness those skimpy holsters contained bobbed along while the men who sported them navigated serving trays and pitchers of sloshing beer through an obstacle course of tables and butt‑pinching women.

I can’t believe I let Midge talk me into coming here, Catlin chided herself.

She didn’t want to seem an absolute prude to her bolder but younger sister, but everywhere Catlin looked, another overstuffed male crotch would come waggling into view. So, finding few havens for modest eyes, she decided to focus her attention on the room itself, which would have been a curiosity even without the nearly naked men.

Although faded and out-dated, the spacious room almost certainly had once been the lobby of quite a luxurious old hotel. Tall walls reached to a lofty ceiling on three sides, but high on the back wall there was a balconied hallway that once accessed the hotel’s finest suites. Its ornate banisters looked elegant even in their dull disrepair.

Built in 1922, the Grand Merlaine was planned to be the most lavish hotel in the city. Brainchild of business partners Henri Merlain and Cecil Buxworth, no expense was spared. The famed architect Gustav Szarboczy was commissioned to give the hotel a traditional European feel, and the granite was imported from Norway. On the day of it's opening, the Grand Merlaine was declared to be the most impressive erection ever--

"And something for you, Ma'am?"

Catlin was dragged from her historical reverie by a scrotum. Actually, the crotch, uncomfortably at eye level, wasn't talking; the voice came from the too-boyish face floating somewhere above it.

"Wha- Uh?" Catlin stumbled.

"Something to drink, Ma'am?"

"Oh." Catlin flushed and tried to avoid looking at the waiter's pouch. The last thing she needed was to get herself drunk in this place. "Tea," she said. "Just a cup of tea."

"Tea," the waiter repeated. "Sure, we can do that."

Catlin smiled in the general direction of his face.

"We only have bags, though."

"Y'know, forget it. I have to leave, anyway."


Opening: James.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 810

Caption: anon.

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Sunday Feature 20

EVIL EDITOR:
MOVIE STAR

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Whirlochre

Caption: John

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Lonie Polony

Saturday Film Series

Cartoon 809

Caption: Anon.

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